FabSwingers.com forum: Elderly relatives

By *odareyou OP Man
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

Advice sought..

I've an elderly relative (my mum) who has health problems, so being a little

I cook and do some cleaning for her most days.. thanks to a good neighbour (and obviously my cooking

) she's managed to maintain an assemblance of independence,.I'm pretty certain the condition she suffers from hasn't accelerated (this is a physical ailment not a dementia) I do think it's at a point where the normal things are now more than a struggle and are becoming very verydifficult for her to manage.

I called yesterday to cook , wash up etc as usual and as she made her way into the kitchen to take her tablets I heard a struggling noise.. I asked what do you need doing ..her response was "I think it might be time for me to start looking for a home, what do you think ?"

My question / any advice welcome ...how do you know it's time ?

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

When she can't cook, get dressed and look after herself properly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Advice sought..

I've an elderly relative (my mum) who has health problems, so being a little

I cook and do some cleaning for her most days.. thanks to a good neighbour (and obviously my cooking

My question / any advice welcome ...how do you know it's time ?"

As you said they are of sound mind. It's not really you to you when to decide. If she wishes to move to a home then she should make the decision herself. My grandfather struggled with my grandmother for 3 years with Alzheimer's. Eventually he broke and she had to go in to a home. Those situations are horrible. This one seems easier. It's never nice to see a relative move in to a home but when they are of sound mind to make the decision themselves it is so much easier. By the time my grandmother went in to a home she was so confused and didn't have a clue what was happening. Also she didn't really get to choose in the way this lady would. She struggled to remember our names never mind make an informed decision.

It's tough OP but this lady seems to know when it's time to take the pressure off her family and find a nice comfortable place to have her worries lifted

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

hi hun

i think the fact mum has broached the subject first shows she has realized she isnt coping so well on her own even with your support and she has asked what you think possibly because she dosent want to become a burden or because she knows she needs extra help

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"hi hun

Consider what you would do, if you were her, in her situation.

and remember there are some really good homes which provide security, well being and "companionship"

also, you never said if your mother was in "sheltered housing" does she have a emergency call chord round her neck for when she is on her own?

Go visit some of the homes, some good ones may surprise you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Advice sought..

I've an elderly relative (my mum) who has health problems, so being a little

I cook and do some cleaning for her most days.. thanks to a good neighbour (and obviously my cooking

My question / any advice welcome ...how do you know it's time ?"

If she's asked the question then you probably need to respect wishes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mum lives alone and Is registered Disabled and lives with a lung condition has to use oxygen. She brought the subject up and as a family we would be there to support her. But she decided that at the moment she didn't want to leave the friends and neighbours she had made. We spoke to the social services

Mums only on a state pension but we managed to get help with an allowance called assisted living allowance.

With that mum can have a cleaner. Pay for a Gardener etc and still live at home

But we have all come to terms that she will need more help in the future

As a family it's about talking and allowing your mum to have a say ....

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By *odareyou OP Man
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

"hi hun

Consider what you would do, if you were her, in her situation.

and remember there are some really good homes which provide security, well being and "companionship"

also, you never said if your mother was in "sheltered housing" does she have a emergency call chord round her neck for when she is on her own?

Go visit some of the homes, some good ones may surprise you."

Nope not sheltered ... She has a monitored alarm in the house.,I'm often getting calls from them , the cleaner unplugs the machine and forgets to plug it back in

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like your mum is very sensible and realistic about the future.

I have had a couple of elderly relatives move into sheltered housing and it gave them a better quality of life.

MIL decided that when it got that she could manage to cook and clean but have no energy left for her hobbies then it was time to move into residential care. Whilst not as nice as living in her own home it gave her a few years of still enjoying life rather than enduring it.

Don't push her but do support her choice although I am sure you would do that anyway.

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By *edRidingWolfCouple
over a year ago

Lydney

Your mum is sound of mind and so this is her decision.

My grandma refused to come and live with us, instead choosing a residential home in her village, the one she has lived in for 68 years (she's 92). She lives with people she has known a lifetime, old neighbors, friends in the village (and some of their children too). This was by far the best move for her. Much more company, great staff and she gets to play poker with all her old mates every day

Red x

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By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

Have a think about homecare 1st - carers can go & assist her with her medication. I deal with home & residential care & I'd say keep her in her own home for as long as possible. Alternatively sheltered accommodation which will give her company whilst keeping her independence - residential care should always be a last resort xx

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By *empting Devil.Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

When it's a struggle but before she can't actually manage - there are two types of people, those who find everything too hard and want help even when they could manage and those who will struggle on independently way past the time they should ask for help.

None of us likes to admit our frailties but knowing when it is too much and accepting it is a big step.

You're mum has said she needs help, in my experience this means she has been quietly struggling with more things than you know for a while. Now is the time to look into extra help, it doesn't always mean a home, it may mean carers coming in to help with certain things. As your mum (ie opposite sex) she may be struggling with bathing but not want to ask you, someone popping in regularly to assist would make a big difference. As would someone doing some basic housework and shopping - I know you care about your mum but if help is offered then you two will have more time to spend simply in each others company. That in itself will improve her standard of life.

Approach your local social services and even charities for the elderly, look into what is available. Get a professional assessment - they may spot things that you and your mum haven't considered which could make a huge difference. Keep communication open and try to keep emotions out, if they suggest a home then they are not just jumping to the easiest answer.

Good luck, it's hard when we can't do it all ourselves, especially for people who we would walk across coals for.

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By *odareyou OP Man
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

"My mum lives alone and Is registered Disabled and lives with a lung condition has to use oxygen. She brought the subject up and as a family we would be there to support her. But she decided that at the moment she didn't want to leave the friends and neighbours she had made. We spoke to the social services

Mums only on a state pension but we managed to get help with an allowance called assisted living allowance.

With that mum can have a cleaner. Pay for a Gardener etc and still live at home

But we have all come to terms that she will need more help in the future

As a family it's about talking and allowing your mum to have a say ....

We managed to finally get the assisted allowance, there's only me really , when mum asked what do you think I w didn't know what to say... it's the first she's mentioned so I didn't want to affirm or confirm without seeking more advice ...it's not easy

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By *odareyou OP Man
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

"When it's a struggle but before she can't actually manage - there are two types of people, those who find everything too hard and want help even when they could manage and those who will struggle on independently way past the time they should ask for help.

None of us likes to admit our frailties but knowing when it is too much and accepting it is a big step.

Good luck, it's hard when we can't do it all ourselves, especially for people who we would walk across coals for."

Thanks for the post, we are or have done most of the things you've mentioned, it's a situation that's been on going for several years, mum is definitely one of the folk who didn't ask ... A few weeks ago when I'd say I'll do that.. she'd argue and say I need to keep doing these things, now there's little or no argument

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"hi hun

exactly that - so chat with her - i work in a home but its more emi/dementia - she might be ok in a warden controlled placement as opposed to a home - lots of options out there

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Start putting things in motion now, this will take longer than you think and you and she will receive less than either of you need in the way of help unless you insist and keep on doing so while ensuring that she doesn't tell people she can manage because she's too proud to say she cant. It's very hard to see one of the people that you once depended on and was so vital and active become less and less able, keep up the good work.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I don't want to hijack your post but we're in a situation where we have waited a week to get my mum assessed, she fractured a vertebra last Wednesday, was sent home from hospital on Thursday morning (don't get me started) and has been left in the care of my partially sighted 89 year old father. I've tried everything I know to get them some help but so far nothing. So please don't hesitate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't want to hijack your post but we're in a situation where we have waited a week to get my mum assessed, she fractured a vertebra last Wednesday, was sent home from hospital on Thursday morning (don't get me started) and has been left in the care of my partially sighted 89 year old father. I've tried everything I know to get them some help but so far nothing. So please don't hesitate."

Yes it's very hard to get help quickly, the system is so slow and so little help available. I hope it doesn't take too long for your parents to get some help. One thing I have learned through experience is you have to ask them specifically for what you want or they just assume you are managing. XXX

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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

Have you considered just adapting her home? And look in to getting carers in.

My mum had MS which was quite aggressive and progressive. We had her bathroom adapted, a special bed, ramp put in for the wheelchair, stair lift and hoists. She also got a mobility van so we could take her out.

She stayed in her own home to the end despite being utterly alone and being so severely disabled that she couldn't even sit herself up.

I lived round the corner and went in every day. She had a cleaner and gardener. And carers three times a day.

She was happy and I think she had a much better quality of life than she would have had in a nursing home.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Thank you. My mum and dad underplay everything and "don't like to make a fuss" I know I shouldn't but I'm starting to get angry with them because they are just so passive and now my mum has stopped taking her morphine.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh bless her heart, she obviously feels it's the right time now for her.

Have you thought about assisted housing? It might work better for her than going right into the home

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By *odareyou OP Man
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

"Have you considered just adapting her home? And look in to getting carers in.

She stayed in her own home to the end despite being utterly alone and being so severely disabled that she couldn't even sit herself up.

I lived round the corner and went in every day. She had a cleaner and gardener. And carers three times a day.

She was happy and I think she had a much better quality of life than she would have had in a nursing home. "

We've done the home , mum lives downstairs now hospital bed in the living room, bathroom downstairs, ramps for wheelchairs, I bought a housee four houses away otherwise I wouldn't be able to help , I'm not sure there's sheltered / warden housing nearby, it's all a bit sudden her mentioning it... and I've not quite got my head around it,

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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

"Have you considered just adapting her home? And look in to getting carers in.

She stayed in her own home to the end despite being utterly alone and being so severely disabled that she couldn't even sit herself up.

I lived round the corner and went in every day. She had a cleaner and gardener. And carers three times a day.

She was happy and I think she had a much better quality of life than she would have had in a nursing home.

Does she have carers? That can make a huge difference.

If she does but still wants to move into something more secure then you will have to respect her wishes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She could get in a domiciliary care company who could help, depending on financials she may get help from Social Services. I'd say going into a home should be the last resort.

It's ok if it's s good home, but there are a lot of lame ones out there.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mams nearly 81 and reasonably pretty fit

its hard what to do for the best but like us all you want the best for your mam and its obvious that your mam knows that she carnt cope

your a good son and its got to be tough watching your mam ailing

Bless you both

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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

"She could get in a domiciliary care company who could help, depending on financials she may get help from Social Services. I'd say going into a home should be the last resort.

It's ok if it's s good home, but there are a lot of lame ones out there."

Yup. My mum had respite care once for two weeks in what was considered a good home. She had deteriorated so much it was shocking. We never let her go in a home after that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Advice sought..

I've an elderly relative (my mum) who has health problems, so being a little

I cook and do some cleaning for her most days.. thanks to a good neighbour (and obviously my cooking

My question / any advice welcome ...how do you know it's time ?"

Have you considered home care?

I'm a district nurse, lot of people I go into are elderly or disabled pretty much all of them use home care

It suits most people better as they can stay in their own home, you can get upto four calls a day, somebody will come in the morning and help her get dressed, showered etc and at night to help her get ready and into bed, they will give medication so you don't have to worry about if she has taken them, also lunch and tea calls are available so you know she's eating regular, the amount of calls etc with be assessed and catered to her needs

It maybe worth thinking about

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By *odareyou OP Man
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

Mums had a fall at home, My heads hurting with this... on my way to hospital..

Thanks for the info and suggestions folks .. I've a lot to think about

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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

"Mums had a fall at home, My heads hurting with this... on my way to hospital..

Thanks for the info and suggestions folks .. I've a lot to think about

I hope she's ok.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Mums had a fall at home, My heads hurting with this... on my way to hospital..

Thanks for the info and suggestions folks .. I've a lot to think about

Hope your mum is ok x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Mums had a fall at home, My heads hurting with this... on my way to hospital..

Thanks for the info and suggestions folks .. I've a lot to think about

I hope your Mum is ok.

Sarah

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By *empting Devil.Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

"Mums had a fall at home, My heads hurting with this... on my way to hospital..

Thanks for the info and suggestions folks .. I've a lot to think about

Hugs honey, hope she's ok.

Ask the hospital staff about getting her further help including an assessment about what she really needs. Most big hospitals have someone who does this and who will be able to point you in the right directions. If she's admitted into a geriatric ward ask the nurses what their opinions are of local assisted living and care homes (bribe them with cake or boxes of ice lollies and ask when none of the senior doctors are around

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By *amissCouple
over a year ago

chelmsford

John, sorry about your mum and hope she's ok. Sounds like she would be safer in a home, if she doesn't have 24 hour care. Just lost my mum, but she was very adamant about her care and what she wanted and we respected that. Sounds like your mum may have lost her confidence living on her own. Good luck with everything

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Mums had a fall at home, My heads hurting with this... on my way to hospital..

Thanks for the info and suggestions folks .. I've a lot to think about

When you speak to the doctor ask for respite care initially, insist that they make the referral there and then not her gp, don't allow them to discharge her until you and she are happy that she can cope at home or there is somewhere she can go. We spent 12 hours in the shittiest a and e in the country with my mum on a body board with her head in those block things and a neck brace you have to shout and shout loud or you will be over looked.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for the best.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mum decided last year at 82 that she wanted to move to a retirement flat where there is a warden living on site. She absolutely loves it. She has made lots of friends and I have the comfort of knowing that if she had a fall or fell ill someone is there 24 hours a day. She has pull cords in every room and every morning the warden buzzes her intercom to make sure she is ok. Some of the other residents have help of some sort or another who pop in daily, this might suit your mum

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i think youre actually lucky your mum has said this herself...its s struggle sometimes to get people to accept change. i work in home care,with some elderly people. and sometimes a residential home is better than home care. ive seen people who have had carers etc at home, and are very low and alone, their families thinking theyre doing the best by helping them stay at home, and then for whatever reason, they have gone into a residentail home and completely blossomed,purely because of the social aspect.. there are a lot of options out there...a good first point of call is the local councils elderly care services,who should be able to guide you through what can look like a bit of a maze...good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Mums had a fall at home, My heads hurting with this... on my way to hospital..

Thanks for the info and suggestions folks .. I've a lot to think about

im wondering if when she mentioned this to you she wasnt feeling well - and thoughts play around in your mind when you feel vulnerable but dont want to put onto anybody -

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"She could get in a domiciliary care company who could help, depending on financials she may get help from Social Services. I'd say going into a home should be the last resort.

It's ok if it's s good home, but there are a lot of lame ones out there.

Yup. My mum had respite care once for two weeks in what was considered a good home. She had deteriorated so much it was shocking. We never let her go in a home after that. "

Yes i'm aware of this happening on so many occasions (in addition to other things) and hell will freeze over before we would consider placing mum in a home - Daryl have you considered she may (or may not) be waiting to see what you suggest?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is my worst nightmare, I do not ever want to be dependent and go into a home. But I am saying that now with most of my marbles and fairly active life. I suspect that if and when I get to that point, I will tell someone, and hope that they listen to me and find me somewhere decent. If things get too much, I have a plan, but that is my plan and not for anyone else. I hope things work out for you both.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"She could get in a domiciliary care company who could help, depending on financials she may get help from Social Services. I'd say going into a home should be the last resort.

It's ok if it's s good home, but there are a lot of lame ones out there.

Yup. My mum had respite care once for two weeks in what was considered a good home. She had deteriorated so much it was shocking. We never let her go in a home after that.

I hope hell never freezes over. I would have said that too at one time but there are sometimes circumstances that make it unavoidable.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like she's suggesting it.. so now. It's up to her, if she feels she needs to move then help her.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Sounds like she's suggesting it.. so now. It's up to her, if she feels she needs to move then help her.

I agree.

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