FabSwingers.com forum: Jokes

By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.” So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay”. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, “Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand.” Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks “Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?” Sean replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet.

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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

woman walks into a chemist’s and asks if they sell extra-large condoms. ‘Yes, we do,’ says the sales assistant. ‘Would you like to buy some?’ ‘No thanks,’ replies the woman. ‘But if you don’t mind, I’ll wait here for someone who does.’

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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

Mary to Jill: ‘My last boyfriend said he fantasised about having two girls at once. Jill: ‘Most men do. What did you tell him?’ Mary: ‘I said, “If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?”’

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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

Unexpected sex - is the best thing to wake upto, unless you're in prison...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.

The barman says 'is this some sort of joke?'

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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.’

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

One from an up and coming comedian - Phil Pagett:

If I want financial advice, I'll ask the Queen. She's always on the money.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

With sufficient thrust...pigs fly very well.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?...Fish!

Okay, I'll fetch my coat.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've just ordered bonnie Tylers goalkeeping blunders volume 2.

It's just totally clips of Joe Hart.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man comes home from a hard day of work only to find his wife laying infront of the fire place with her legs wide open. He asked, "Honey what are you doing?" She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A man comes home from a hard day of work only to find his wife laying infront of the fire place with her legs wide open. He asked, "Honey what are you doing?" She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner.""

Hahaha love it !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A dyslexic man walks into a bra"
haha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the chicken cross the road....

It had no feckin choice, it was in Missobsessions handbag

See stolen chicken thread

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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet £50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.

Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back in a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you fooling around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"

The octopus says "Play it? If I can figure out how to get its pyjamas off I'm gonna fuck it"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his sole to Santa

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was out with a mate last night. It was my round and I bought him a pint of strongbow. He said "did you know that strongbow is great if you get accidentally put your your hand on a sewing needle and pierce the skin?" I replied that I didn't know that and asked how he knew. He said. "An ex girlfriend told me that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she always puts it in cider!"

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By *ottsguy44 OP Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

Three fathers are talking about their sons. The first father says, "my sons a successful doctor. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a Lamborghini". The second father said, "my sons a successful hedge fund manager. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht". The third father says, "my sons the CEO of a big company. He's so rich he just bought his best friend a castle". Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they're talking about. The other three fathers say, "we're talking about our successful sons, what does yours do?" The fouth father says, "well my sons a gay stripper." The other three fathers say, "oh wow, you must be really disappointed." The fourth father replies with, "well not really, he's doing really well. His three boyfriends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a castle."

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?...Fish!

Okay, I'll fetch my coat.

Q:How many Social Workers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. But you can form a working group of 15 to create a booklet entitled "How to cope with darkness"

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By *endrix30Man
over a year ago

dudley

2 women talking. First woman says "Do you look at your husbands face when you make love?" Second woman says "I did once and saw anger in his face." First woman says "Why anger?" Second woman says "Because he was watching from the window."

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By *night690Man
over a year ago

notts

What’s worse than waking up with an empty wallet and a sore head?

Waking up with a full wallet and a sore ass.

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By *endrix30Man
over a year ago

dudley

What do you call a snake on viagra? A walking stick.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What made the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing (ba dum tish!)

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

"One from an up and coming comedian - Phil Pagett:

If I want financial advice, I'll ask the Queen. She's always on the money.

Love it

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

I went into Waitrose recently and managed to swap 15,000 raisins for 15,000 sultanas. I could't believe the currant exchange rate

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A dyslexic man went to rob a bank and he passed the cashier a note STICK THE BAG IN THE MONEY THIS IS A FUCK UP

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By *echnosonic_BrummieMan
over a year ago

Willenhall

What's blue and smells like yellow paint?

Blue paint...

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By *night690Man
over a year ago

notts

Apparently 1in 3 Britons are conceived in IKEA beds! Which is mad because those places are really well lit

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

One from a genius called Masai Graham:

Me and my mates were playing 'guess the actor from the film 'Alien'. It was all fun and games until somebody got 'Hurt'.

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By *night690Man
over a year ago

notts

My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently "heating your Dinner up was the wrong answer

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a chicken with a lettuce on its beak?

Chicken sees a salad.....sorry

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 13/11/16 15:19:16]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why don't clairvoyants need condoms? Because they have crystal balls and can see themselves coming.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

Merry fucking Christmas,I know It's early but i suffer from premature congratulations

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said, “Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man. Let’s go back to my place.” So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand.” Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay”. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, “Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand.” Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks “Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?” Sean replies, “No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."

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By *iccii69Man
over a year ago

Surrey

A blind man walks into a shop and immediately starts to swing his guide dog round and round above his head....

Looking perplexed from behind the counter, the shopkeeper asks, 'can I help you sir?', to which the blind man immediately replies, 'it's ok, i'm just having a look around'

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By *night690Man
over a year ago

notts

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About £20

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays £100 The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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By *night690Man
over a year ago

notts

Wife tells husband she's bought a toilet brush and tells him to use it.. A week later she asks if he's used it as the toilet is dirty, "yes i used it every time" he said" , "but it's too rough.. i've gone back to using the toilet paper "

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By *night690Man
over a year ago

notts

I went to B&Q last week,, as I walked in the door one of the assistants approached and asked me if I wanted decking. So I got the first punch in....

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Donald Trump....

How we laughed...

Oh, wait a mo'...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's 1916 and Tom arrives at the front line in the trenches.He asks the officer "where do i go for a shit"

"Well son over in that farm house there is a loo.We'll lay down covering fire while you zig zag over to the house.When your done wave at the window and then we'll lay down more fire as you run back.

So the time comes when Tom can't hold it in and he tells the officer and zig zags over to the farmhouse.

The other soldiers wait for the wave but after an hour there's no sign of him. 2 Hours go by and Tom signals.

When he gets back they ask what took so long.

"I went for a wander and found a French peasant girl in the basement and I fucked her in every position for hours even had anal sex."

"Did she suck your dick aswell" asked one of the soldiers.

"No " said Tom "I couldn't find her head"

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By *xx1Man
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 26/11/16 11:08:53]

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By *xx1Man
over a year ago

Oxygen and magnesium went on a date... OMg

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the definition of confidence??

When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, Your next.

What's the definition of a Yankee??

Same thing as a quickie, only do it yourself.

What do Kodak and condoms have in common??

They both capture the moment.

Why don't blind people sky dive??

It scares the Shit out of the dog.

How does every ethnic joke start??

By looking over your shoulder.

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By *2000ManMan
over a year ago

Worthing

Where's an elephants sex organs? In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked.

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By *rozacMan
over a year ago

london

"Why don't clairvoyants need condoms? Because they have crystal balls and can see themselves coming. "

If you're ever buying clothes for a clairvoyant, remember, they're a medium.

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By *aster C the kinksterMan
over a year ago

Darlington

"A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet £50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.

Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.

The octopus says "Play it? If I can figure out how to get its pyjamas off I'm gonna fuck it""

Haha..I love this!

S..xx

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

I remember the worst letter I wrote as a child...

"Dear Jim, please can you fix it for me to meet Rolf Harris?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

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By *ny1localMan
over a year ago

READING

if someone takes a shot at Donald Trump,do the burley security men shout 'Donald Duck'?

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By *ild-1Woman
over a year ago

york

"It's 1916 and Tom arrives at the front line in the trenches.He asks the officer "where do i go for a shit"

"Well son over in that farm house there is a loo.We'll lay down covering fire while you zig zag over to the house.When your done wave at the window and then we'll lay down more fire as you run back.

So the time comes when Tom can't hold it in and he tells the officer and zig zags over to the farmhouse.

The other soldiers wait for the wave but after an hour there's no sign of him. 2 Hours go by and Tom signals.

When he gets back they ask what took so long.

"I went for a wander and found a French peasant girl in the basement and I fucked her in every position for hours even had anal sex."

"Did she suck your dick aswell" asked one of the soldiers.

"No " said Tom "I couldn't find her head"

I just spat my rice out laughing

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By *ympho7Couple
over a year ago

swansea

Whats yellow and lives off dead beatles?

Yoko ono

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By *ex-a-frolicsCouple
over a year ago

Brizzle

What's the definition of frustration? Two blind lesbians in a fish market.

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?

The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says ”Five beers, please."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Whats yellow and lives off dead beatles?

Yoko ono"

Haha love it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

two fly's on a pussy, which one is on drugs? the one sniffing up the crack !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to a seafood disco the other day...

Pulled a mussel!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two men are stood in greggs the bakery, one turns to other and opens his pocket.

"Two steak bakes in there, I stole them. Bet you can't beat that!"

So the other man walks up to the counter and asks the young lady working,

"Excuse me miss, I'll have two steak bakes and would you like to see some magic?"

She serves the gentleman his steak bakes and says "go on then!"

With that he eats both steak bakes right in front of her.

"But sir, where was the magic in that?"

"Have a look in his pockets!"

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By *ex-a-frolicsCouple
over a year ago

Brizzle

A man is at the top of the piste is shaking, a man alongside him says why are you nervous? He replies this is my first time here & cus I'm Dyslexic I can't remember what my instructor told me to do. Did he tell me to Zig Zag or Zag Zig down the slope? The chap said no good asking me I'm a Tobogganist, oh great came the reply can I have 20 B&H to calm my nerves please!!

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By *aris69Couple
over a year ago

Cambridgeshire

What does a woman look like having sex?

Amazing

What does a lie look like having sex?

Grateful that's what

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By *iffraffMan
over a year ago

Gloucester

"It's 1916 and Tom arrives at the front line in the trenches.He asks the officer "where do i go for a shit"

"Well son over in that farm house there is a loo.We'll lay down covering fire while you zig zag over to the house.When your done wave at the window and then we'll lay down more fire as you run back.

So the time comes when Tom can't hold it in and he tells the officer and zig zags over to the farmhouse.

The other soldiers wait for the wave but after an hour there's no sign of him. 2 Hours go by and Tom signals.

When he gets back they ask what took so long.

"I went for a wander and found a French peasant girl in the basement and I fucked her in every position for hours even had anal sex."

"Did she suck your dick aswell" asked one of the soldiers.

"No " said Tom "I couldn't find her head"

I just spat my rice out laughing

Ooooh

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

"Don't open that wardrobe!" shouted my wife as I was just about to, "Your Christmas present is in there!"

"Too late," I said, pulling open the door.

"You get me the shittiest presents!" I said, looking in. "Why the fuck would I want a half naked milkman?

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