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Jokes - Let's Have a Larf

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I was at the airport and a guy approached me and said "You look like you've lost something mate". I replied that actually I had lost my wife. He looked at me and said "Bloody 'ell so have I". So I asked him what she was wearing and what she looked like. He said "Blonde, long legs, wearing black lycra micro skirt, 6 inch heels, big boobs, no bra, see through top, no knickers, pink suitcase. What does your wife look like"

I said "Who gives a fook. Let's look for yours"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing…..

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and

a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go

faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Spent £50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger..............

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.!!.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...I thought to myself, these guys have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! That's no good, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a sh*t."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her some scales.

Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C,"he said. "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia."

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii Game Boy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife 'My Olympic condoms have arrived - I think I'll wear gold tonight'. Wife says, 'Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change'.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing…..

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and

a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go

faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.' "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a simple guy goes into a pet shop and buys a budgie and cage explaining he wants to teach it to talk....he goes back the next day again saying he's trying to teach it to talk and buys a toy. the next day he goes back and buys a bell. the next day he buys a ladder....the next day he buys a new perch etc etc..then one day he goes in broken hearted saying the budgie died..

oh dear says them man...did you get him to talk before he died...

yes he said doesn't that pet shop sell fucking bird seed !

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Some absolute classics in ther LMar

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no shagging!" They yell back, "We're not shagging!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no shagging!" Again they yell back, "We're not shagging!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no shagging!" They yell back, "We're not shagging!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Well I never. From up here it DOES look like they're shagging.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing…..

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and

a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go

faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.' "

pmsl

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Priest says to a hotel receptionist " I assume the room i have booked has sky television?". Receptionist says "of course Father". Priest says "I assume the pornography is Disabled?".Receptionist says "No it's just normal porn you sick bastard!".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Scouse burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Err .....Ey lar did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Oh I, warn me, huh? Who in the world are you, do you think your some sort of cop?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus', said the bird.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,

Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!

Tis me, .................. I've

Quit Drinking!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY An Aussie GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Australia . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see

a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

(Senior Texting Code).

Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can't get up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

PIMP: Pooped in my pants

ROFLACGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where Are The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

WHEN TO START CUSSING!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

THE correct insurance companies for sex ........

SEX with your wife - Legal & General

SEX with your future wife - Mutual Trust

SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability

SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union

SEX on the telephone - Direct line

SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy

SEX in a hurry - Insure & Go

SEX with your boyfriend - Standard Life

SEX with a transvestite - Confused.com

SEX with some one different - Go compare.com

SEX with an animal - Compare the meerkat.com

SEX with a fat bird - More Than

SEX on the back seat - Sheila's Wheels

SEX with an o.a.p - SAGA

SEX with a posh bird - Privilege.com

SEX with a sheep - Farmers Union

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all

been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for

their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came round, he and his pal Mick took a

boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy, who could not swim, stepped

out of the boat and nearly drowned ! Mick just barely managed to

pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he

asked, "It's me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like

me father, his father, and his father before him ?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,

"Because your father and your grandfather and your great grandfather

were all born in January when the lake was frozen and you were born in

August you feckin' Dickhead."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

************ ********* ********* *

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw..

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up..

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..

6. Attempt to insert card into machine...

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8.. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt..

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone..

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &

MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to

see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

the police called me yesterday to say i had been burgled, they said the bastards have d*unk all your beer and banged your wife.

i replied you gotta be joking i wouldnt shag her after only 5 cans of stella!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dear Sir/Madam, Your transgender operation was a partial success . . . . .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A teacher asks her class what their parents do for a living.

Mary says, "My dad's a doctor". Teacher says "That's great, can you spell doctor?". "Yes miss, it's D-O-C-T-O-R" replies Mary.

"Well done" says the teacher, "Who's next?"

Billy puts his hand up and says, "My dad is in the Police and he's a Constable".

"That's very good Billy, can you spell Constable?" says the teacher.

"Yes miss, it's C-U-N........." at which points the teach interupts and says "No, Billy, try again".

"Ok miss, it's C-U-N........" at which point the teacher jumps in again and says to Billy, "Not quite, why don't you practice in your spelling book and we'll come back to you in a minute. Right, who's next?".

"My dad works for Ladbrokes miss" says Little Johnny.

"Oh", replies the teacher "can you spell Ladbrokes?". To which Little Johnny replies, "No miss, but i'll give you 5/4 on that Billy writes cunt in that book".

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