FabSwingers.com forum: Dilemma

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I am probably going to get ripped apart but I am desperate for some advice so here goes.

I was living with a partner up until 4 months ago. He is from NZ and has gone back for 6 months. Before he left the relationship was from my point of _iew on its last legs for a variety of reasons which are too personal to go into. However, the main problem and it is a long standing one is that there are problems in the bedroom department hence I have been meeting guys on FS to reaffirm that I am a sexually attractive woman and no he doesn't know that.

Unfortunately he prefers to stick his head in the sand and pretend all is/was ok and he is still doing that even though he is thousands of miles away.

He has now confirmed that he is coming back in mid-May BUT nothing has changed as far as our relationship goes and I am sure that we will just go back to fighting and arguing and just generally making each other miserable.

There is a huge part of me that thinks I should call it quits but there is another part of me that thinks I should give it another go.

The whole situation is making me depressed because it is really coming up to crunch time now and I don't know what to do. I am stressed, depressed and sleeping badly and have taken the last 3 days off work with a "virus" because I HAVE to make a decision about this relationship.

I thought other people's _iewpoints/experiences might help to clarify things for me as all I can see is an almighty mess.

Any thoughts?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My opinion is end it, life is too short to worry about it. Your clearly unhappy in the relationship if you feel the need to cheat and take days off from work just to think things over. Its not worth stressing out and making yourself ill over it. Either you want to be with him or not,, and to be honest your OP was written negatively towards him so think you answered that yourself :D He clearly wont be 'THE ONE' as you see faults with him and will be on the look out for something better.. dont settle for anyone.

Good luck with whatever you decide though. xx

*signed you, naive and knows nothing about love & relationships*

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

[Removed by poster at 23/03/11 08:20:09]

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

I would sit down and speak to him and be honest...

Seek professional help together, if appropriate...

Stop meeting on here until you have had the conversation with him, if he finds out, that is NOT going to help resolve any sexual issues he may have..

good luck

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I would sit down and speak to him and be honest...

Seek professional help together if appropriate...

Stop meeting on here until you have had the conversation with him as if he finds out, that is NOT going to help resolve any sexual issues he may have..

good luck"

The point is I have sat down and been honest with him time and time again and I have suggested seeing a doctor and/or a sexual therapist more times than I can count. He just gets defensive and says there is nothing wrong

For the avoidance of doubt he can get endless erections but cannot sustain them and that is frustrating as hell I think most people would agree? The thing is I DO love him to bits and he adores me BUT this unresolved issue is destroying our relationship. There have been other major issues we have had to summount such as us having to care for my mum for 6 months and living in a shithole bedsit for 6 months in London because we were so skint BUT we overcame those. I have put a lot of time and energy into this relationship which has gone on for 4 1/2 years but the sexual issue is the real deal breaker for me as I had started to believe it was ME that had a problem rather than him!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You will get differing points of _iew, but the bottom line is only you know if:

(a) being unhappy, miserable, and seeking the attention of casual strangers is enough to sustain you;

(b) the need to hold on to a "relationship" that's heading no where is better than being alone.

I walked away from my husband of 24 years, the father of my children, having lost 80% of my sight, unsure whether it would return and I'd be able to work, taking nothing from my marital home, not even a teaspoon because I wasn't happy and we weren't making each other happy.

You can guess what my answer to you would be!

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

oops... sorry, you asked for advice, I gave some.

I will leave the post without the need for the eye rolling icon.

as mentioned, good luck and hope you BOTH get it resolved and find happiness either together or seperately.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"oops... sorry, you asked for advice, I gave some.

I will leave the post without the need for the eye rolling icon.

as mentioned, good luck and hope you BOTH get it resolved and find happiness either together or seperately."

I was rolling my eyes at the situation not at you love your advice is welcome and very much appreciated.

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By *umpkinMan
over a year ago

near the sounds of the wimborne quarter jack!

I`m friends with a woman who plays with her husband`s full knowledge. In fact I`ve met him on many occasions and we get on like a house on fire! I`m not the only bloke my friend sees regularly either. So, yes you can keep up the seeing or other guys as long as your guy is happy with what you`re doing.

However, the difference with my friend is that she is in a settled family with the mortage taken care of and two sons who accepted the situation. My friend did leave home for a while, initially moving right away then buying herself a property closer to home in the same town.

I cannot advise you what you should do, only you can decide what that is. Sometimes you have to be brave and let your head make you the right thing.

Really hope it all works out for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd go by my instinct and gut-feel. If something does not feel right, then I need to do something about it.

IMHO, I would rather be on my own than to be unhappy in a dead-end relationship.

Easy for me to say, as I have always been very independent.

Good luck, whatever you have decided.

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

You say he sticks his head in the sand rather than accept something is wrong... yet he doesn't know all the facts. Try being honest with him instead of being selective with your disclosures.... if you can manage that

As for needing to sleep with other men to prove you are sexually attractive.... did you need to do that for several months before he left as well as for 4 months after he went away.... you seem to need a lot of proof.... are you really sure it is his head which is in the sand

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So a guy has erectile disfunction and you rub salt into the wound by telling him the problem lies squarely with him and that it's a deal breaker for you.

Whilst all the time playing away to satisfy your own selfish needs.

I'd say HE should be walking away from this relationship, not you.

(if it was a guy on here saying, "My wife doesn't want sex so I'm playing away," he'd be publicly castrated for it).

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"You say he sticks his head in the sand rather than accept something is wrong... yet he doesn't know all the facts. Try being honest with him instead of being selective with your disclosures.... if you can manage that

Gee thanks for the rolling eyes and the judgement. It must be great to be so perfect that you can criticise everyone else.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"So a guy has erectile disfunction and you rub salt into the wound by telling him the problem lies squarely with him and that it's a deal breaker for you.

Whilst all the time playing away to satisfy your own selfish needs.

I'd say HE should be walking away from this relationship, not you.

(if it was a guy on here saying, "My wife doesn't want sex so I'm playing away," he'd be publicly castrated for it)."

The problem does lie squarely with him he eventually admitted that he had ALWAYS had the problem but lied about it to me for a long time.

Again thanks for being so judgemental it really helps as you can imagine.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ah, so you only wanted replies that sympathised with your _iews. Well, why didn't ya say so.

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Gee thanks for the rolling eyes and the judgement. It must be great to be so perfect that you can criticise everyone else."

You asked (I repeat 'YOU ASKED') for people's _iewpoints and 'any thoughts'.... they are mine.... or at least a couple of them.

You don't seem to have a problem with people judging you ... as long as they judge you the way you want them to. But why would this be any different to the (imo) selfish way you have and are currently treating your partner.

Do him a favour and let him know the real you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Ah, so you only wanted replies that sympathised with your _iews. Well, why didn't ya say so.

What I wanted was constructive comments and suggestions like some people have been kind enough to give.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

I am sure you can get help for erectile disfunction?

Only you can decide wether your relationship is worth saving, as only you know the full facts.

If you think he will get help for his problem and then it will make you happy enough to stay, then ask him to get help.

If he won't/ doesn't want to, and you are not happy as you are not getting enough sex, then leave.

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By *atisfy janeWoman
over a year ago

Torquay

Can I ask how long he has been your partner?....

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Gee thanks for the rolling eyes and the judgement. It must be great to be so perfect that you can criticise everyone else.

You asked (I repeat 'YOU ASKED') for people's _iewpoints and 'any thoughts'.... they are mine.... or at least a couple of them.

Do him a favour and let him know the real you.

Again constructive comments as given by others are appreciated.

Judgemental comments are not.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Can I ask how long he has been your partner?...."

We have been together 4 1/2 years. For the record he only admitted that erectile disfunction had been a problem ever since he first had sex about 2 years ago.

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By *atisfy janeWoman
over a year ago

Torquay

My next question if you don't mind is does he know you had been meeting others before he went away?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I am sure you can get help for erectile disfunction?

Only you can decide wether your relationship is worth saving, as only you know the full facts.

If you think he will get help for his problem and then it will make you happy enough to stay, then ask him to get help.

If he won't/ doesn't want to, and you are not happy as you are not getting enough sex, then leave."

I have repeatedly asked him to get help and offered to do whatever I can to resolve the problem. He refuses to face up to it and I am at a loss as to what to do.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"Can I ask how long he has been your partner?....

We have been together 4 1/2 years. For the record he only admitted that erectile disfunction had been a problem ever since he first had sex about 2 years ago."

Has he tried getting help for it?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My next question if you don't mind is does he know you had been meeting others before he went away?"

I wasn't meeting others before he went away I joined FS after he went away.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Can I ask how long he has been your partner?....

We have been together 4 1/2 years. For the record he only admitted that erectile disfunction had been a problem ever since he first had sex about 2 years ago.

Has he tried getting help for it?"

He refuses to face up to the fact he has a problem as I say above I have tried and tried to get him to seek medical/psychological help to no avail.

By the way he is 31 years old so it is not an age thing.

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By *atisfy janeWoman
over a year ago

Torquay

Ahhhhh.....because according to your profile you had been a member for Three months before he went away, that is why I am a little confused

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Ahhhhh.....because according to your profile you had been a member for Three months before he went away, that is why I am a little confused"

Really? I didn't even have internet access until he went away.

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Ohhhhh having the opinion someone should actually be 'honest' with their partner isn't constructive.

This relationship you have isn't just yours it is his too and he has as much right to make informed choices about it as you do.... or don't you want him to have a choice?

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

"Ahhhhh.....because according to your profile you had been a member for Three months before he went away, that is why I am a little confused"

That was my maths too.... 7 - 4 = 3

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

pesonally if ur not happy and its affecting ur health then end it,it may give him a wake up call

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Ohhhhh having the opinion someone should actually be 'honest' with their partner isn't constructive.

This relationship you have isn't just yours it is his too and he has as much right to make informed choices about it as you do.... or don't you want him to have a choice? "

What do you mean by an informed choice. Although he prefers to ignore it he knows what the problem is therefore he is informed and can make a choice to seek medical/psychological help. He won't so it is stalemate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You've been together for 4 1/2 years but he only had sex for the first time 2 years ago?

What did you do for sex those first 2 1/2 years? It doesn't strike me that you have any qualms satisfying your needs elsewhere so I'm wondering if this poor guy's performance problem has it's roots in insecurity that you may have had a hand in generating.

Not being judgemental like, just trying to get to the bottom of why this guy feels the way he does.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"Can I ask how long he has been your partner?....

We have been together 4 1/2 years. For the record he only admitted that erectile disfunction had been a problem ever since he first had sex about 2 years ago.

Has he tried getting help for it?

He refuses to face up to the fact he has a problem as I say above I have tried and tried to get him to seek medical/psychological help to no avail.

By the way he is 31 years old so it is not an age thing."

Then I am assuming you have told him how unhappy you are? He knows all of what you have told us and obviously more? Have you told him you are thinking of leaving?

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"You've been together for 4 1/2 years but he only had sex for the first time 2 years ago?

Not being judgemental like, just trying to get to the bottom of why this guy feels the way he does."

He told her he had a problem two years ago but it had been there since he first started having sex Wishy x

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

"Ohhhhh having the opinion someone should actually be 'honest' with their partner isn't constructive.

This relationship you have isn't just yours it is his too and he has as much right to make informed choices about it as you do.... or don't you want him to have a choice?

He doesn't know you have been on here for 7 months though does he?

You keep pointing the finger at his problem and his way of dealing with it.... what about yours? Or are they to be kept even deeper in the sand?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"You've been together for 4 1/2 years but he only had sex for the first time 2 years ago?

Not being judgemental like, just trying to get to the bottom of why this guy feels the way he does."

Wrong end of stick love.

Start again.

He always had an issue with maintaining an erection it was copeable with for a long time because the problem was not too bad. As time went on it became worse and effected our sex life because he could never bring me to orgasm through penetration or cum inside me at all. I have always tried to be sensitive about it and have offered to do whatever I can to help in regard to medical/psychological help.

Also I didn't generate the problem because he eventually confessed it had been an issue ever since he first had sex which was a good 10 years before we even met!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He told her he had a problem two years ago but it had been there since he first started having sex Wishy x"

Ah, tks for the clarification Ruggers. I read it completely different as to what it meant.

But surely, if he's had this problem since he first had sex, it would have been apparent long before 2 1/2 years ago?

And if it wasn't, they must have been having good sex. No?

Confused? You will be, I already am!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Ohhhhh having the opinion someone should actually be 'honest' with their partner isn't constructive.

This relationship you have isn't just yours it is his too and he has as much right to make informed choices about it as you do.... or don't you want him to have a choice?

He doesn't know you have been on here for 7 months though does he?

You keep pointing the finger at his problem and his way of dealing with it.... what about yours? Or are they to be kept even deeper in the sand?"

I have been on here since October last year and of course he doesn't know. So what? Would it be better if I told him I don't think so!

The point is he doesn't deal with it you cannot help someone if they refuse to recognise there is a problem.

My problem is I love someone who cannot satisfy me sexually and I don't want to live the rest of my life like that.

My dilemma is whether to stick with him and put up with it or move on.

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

I think you probably already know what to do. The fact that you're asking strangers on a forum for advice about your life says it all. While I understand it's nice to get impartial opinions from somewhere outwith the relationship, does the fact that it's making you ill within yourself not tell you enough?

Life is too short. Tell him how you feel, tell him it's not working for you, tell him why and if you both want to try then you try to make it work together. If you don't then move on and find your happiness elsewhere. Just don't do that behind his back cause ultimately it won't do you any favours and it certainly isn't fair to him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"he could never bring me to orgasm through penetration or cum inside me at all."

Siren never cums through penetrative sex, and it's a lot more common than you'd realise. We've learned to work around it and I don't see it as a slight on my manliness that I don't make her cum through penetrative sex, but then she's never made me feel less of a man for not doing so. She knows her own body and how best to make herself cum, sometimes I assist in that process when she's feels things a lot more intensely, but the norm is that she will bring herself off after we've made love.

And she's been like that ever since she first had sex. It isn't a problem though, because we love each other.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think you probably already know what to do. The fact that you're asking strangers on a forum for advice about your life says it all. While I understand it's nice to get impartial opinions from somewhere outwith the relationship, does the fact that it's making you ill within yourself not tell you enough?

I hear what you are saying. I have to ask here because (like many others I expect) no-one knows about me being on FS. Also I have generally found that swingers have the life experience to give good advice without judging people too harshly.

Thank you for your advice it is extremely helpful.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

Start again.

Also I didn't generate the problem because he eventually confessed it had been an issue ever since he first had sex which was a good 10 years before we even met!"

I am not trivilising his problem or how it affects you both, but I am thinking if you loved him enough you would get around it, Penetration isn't the only way to have fun sexually.

Maybe you have to ask yourself a simple question....do you love him enough to get around any problems you both have? If not, then leave.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"he could never bring me to orgasm through penetration or cum inside me at all.

And she's been like that ever since she first had sex. It isn't a problem though, because we love each other."

He cannot make me cum through penetration because he cannot sustain a hard on for long enough. I cum loads through penetrative sex and for me it is important. I know some women don't and that it doesn't bother them but it does bother me a great deal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

From what you said i think you already know the path to take

Good luck with whatever you decide xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My problem is I love someone who cannot satisfy me sexually and I don't want to live the rest of my life like that.

My dilemma is whether to stick with him and put up with it or move on."

Think you answered that yourself then, you don't want to live the rest of your life like that..

Its never easy to end something and to walk away, but sometimes number one has to come first or you will be on the search until something better comes along. Dont just settle for anyone. Everyone deserves to be happy. Who knows, leaving him could be the kick up the ass that he needs to make his denial of the ED a real issue

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"He cannot make me cum through penetration because he cannot sustain a hard on for long enough. I cum loads through penetrative sex and for me it is important. I know some women don't and that it doesn't bother them but it does bother me a great deal."

As a man, all I can offer you in terms of advice is, if you do feel that the relationship can't survive, then whatever you do, don't tell him it's because you can cum with other guys but not with him. You'll crucify the poor bloke.

Far easier to tell him that during your time apart you've come to realise that you don't feel the way you used to, and leave it at that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I really believe you already know what to do and sometimes we try to kid ourselves in trying to hold on to something we thought would last forever. Trust me I know I have been through the same dilemma and it is painful and it does hurt even now, but we have to do what is right for ourselves as well as the others that we care about.

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

I never cum through penetration either. I do if I have my bullet on my clit but sadly some poor sod is going to find my bullet hidden in some corner of the bed in a very posh hotel in Windsor!!

*makes note to go to Ann Summers at lunchtime*

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Far easier to tell him that during your time apart you've come to realise that you don't feel the way you used to, and leave it at that."

I would never ever tell him that. What frustrates me is that I am certain that the problem is resolvable through intervention by a professional. I also find it incredibly sad that due to embarrassment he seems to be prepared to live with this problem all his life. He is only 31 years old right now so he has years of sexual frustration ahead of him.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I really believe you already know what to do and sometimes we try to kid ourselves in trying to hold on to something we thought would last forever. Trust me I know I have been through the same dilemma and it is painful and it does hurt even now, but we have to do what is right for ourselves as well as the others that we care about."

The same dilemma? Would you be prepared to tell me more here or if that is too public perhaps send me a private message?

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By *ustyWoman
over a year ago

inverclyde

end it if making you miserable.

i am ow happily divorced from my husband of over 20 yrs, in the end he was dictating to me and was making me ill as well, i was always feeling not to good taking colds very frequent and since i have left him have never felt better had two colds in three years and enjoying life again, good luck

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Well at least now you've had 7 months of ego boosting, you'll have the confidence to move on without having to worry about not being sexually attractive.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Well at least now you've had 7 months of ego boosting, you'll have the confidence to move on without having to worry about not being sexually attractive."

If ego boosting was what it was about I wouldn't have a dilemma.

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By *uby In StockingsTV/TS
over a year ago

Cheadle

Well darling, this is the first time in your thread you admit to loving him, that can makes things difficult for you to reach a decision that would ultimately be best for both of you, from what you said I think you risk the possibility of wasting another 4 1/2 years of both of your lives and all of a sudden, you think you have to stay together because nobody else can possibly love you......or can they?????

(I wasted so many years of my life by denying the truth about myself), please end it for both your sakes, I think it's clear to me that you really don't actually love him as you say becauase if you did, you would stick by him and resovle all and any problems together, your sexual frustration can be resolved by many other means than just having sex with other men, I assume your boyfriends tongue still works??? and I guess his fingers and hands can operate toys effectively???, try tantric sex methods, hours of close contact, touching, kissing, heightening your sexual desires, and then stopping, each day your desires will be stronger, it helps sufferers of erectile dysfunction, good luck, xxx

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"Well at least now you've had 7 months of ego boosting, you'll have the confidence to move on without having to worry about not being sexually attractive."

When a partner has a sexual problem, it might make the other think it is her fault...so maybe she did need a confidence boost....rightly or wrongly in peoples eyes.

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

"Well at least now you've had 7 months of ego boosting, you'll have the confidence to move on without having to worry about not being sexually attractive.

If ego boosting was what it was about I wouldn't have a dilemma."

Sorry I took that from your opening post..... "hence I have been meeting guys on FS to reaffirm that I am a sexually attractive woman".... silly me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My _iew, if your in any doubt that something aint right, either with you or with your other half, then sit down and talk about it, talk is under estimated, but if you can go to a pub and have a chat, the less likely it will kick off, not that it will, but just in case, but honesty is the best policy............ talk............. get it out in the open......... if your loosing work time, then you need to sort it out, and the only way........well you know,..... talk it through.

My pennes worth, if indeed its worth it at all

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Well at least now you've had 7 months of ego boosting, you'll have the confidence to move on without having to worry about not being sexually attractive.

When a partner has a sexual problem, it might make the other think it is her fault...so maybe she did need a confidence boost....rightly or wrongly in peoples eyes."

It does make you think that thanks for understanding that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

your not happy right?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you don't think you can make it right, end it - but end it before he comes back.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"your not happy right?"

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy either.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"your not happy right?

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy either.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If you don't think you can make it right, end it - but end it before he comes back."

That's what I intend to do make a decision and stick to it. Time is running out so I have to decide one way or another pretty quickly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

if you love him, it is difficult to tear yourself away. But YOU are the most important person in your world and ultimately if you are not happy you need to get a suitable resolve to it. If he is not prepared/willing to go seek help about any issues you have you need to set an ultimatum. Get him a docs appt, if he refuses to go, pack your bags (or his) and get out. If he wont do this for you then he doesnt love you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

make that decsion, as i said, sit and talk, there maybe other ways arount it, but if at the end of your chat, you see no change or way forward, then you have only one choice to make, sorry, its hard but thats the way it goes

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

"Well at least now you've had 7 months of ego boosting, you'll have the confidence to move on without having to worry about not being sexually attractive.

When a partner has a sexual problem, it might make the other think it is her fault...so maybe she did need a confidence boost....rightly or wrongly in peoples eyes."

It's also easy to blame someone else for our own choices.... when reality is more often the person making the choice had free will in doing so.

There's more than one way to skin a cat and there's more than one way to boost your ego without actually having to lie and cheat.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If someone i loved was at the other end of the world and was due home then i would be jumping for joy. having not seen them for 6 months i would be busy planning a fantastic way of welcoming them back home and acting like a love struck teenager.

that doesnt strike me as being the case in this situation.......which kinda tells me....and perhaps yourself something?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My eyes see a relationship ..where two people aren`t compatible ....theres a subtext of dependency ...the signs of lack of intimacy suggest that to me ...true intimacy requires trust and openess..leading to support of problems with love and care ...

Theres dfferent types of love ..sometimes it can be an unhealthy love...sometimes its not love but two people with low self worth depending on each other for validation and security ...from my experience it only leads to a chasm of unspoken feelings..denial..

It doesn`t seem your able to discuss and communicate meaningfully..if theres a refusal to address the fundamentals ..widening the gulf between you ..in terms of intimacy ..

Your behaviour suggests you`re looking for something different ...

Best of luck ..its life ..complex and confusing ....ultimately you have a responsibility to be true ..to yourself and by association him ...lies lead to hurt ...again best of luck ..

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

"Well at least now you've had 7 months of ego boosting, you'll have the confidence to move on without having to worry about not being sexually attractive.

When a partner has a sexual problem, it might make the other think it is her fault...so maybe she did need a confidence boost....rightly or wrongly in peoples eyes.

It's also easy to blame someone else for our own choices.... when reality is more often the person making the choice had free will in doing so.

There's more than one way to skin a cat and there's more than one way to boost your ego without actually having to lie and cheat. "

I did put rightly or wrongly on my post.

I wasn't talking about the choices this woman has made...I was talking in general about people who have sexual problems and their partners.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks all (except the original polo who seemed to have her own agenda) for taking the time to respond. Also, thanks to the people who sent me private messages to share their experiences.

I have a lot of food for thought and it has helped to get it off my chest.

Thanks again.

Scarlett

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Just in case anyone missed my agenda.... I don't wish to support people who cheat on a partner, no matter how much they try and say it isn't their fault.... when it clearly is their choice whether they lie, drop their knickers and cheat.

It is a simple as that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can get help from Relate ..you dont need to go as a couple ....an experienced counsellor could help with disentangling the situation and feelings ...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Just in case anyone missed my agenda.... I don't wish to support people who cheat on a partner, no matter how much they try and say it isn't their fault.... when it clearly is their choice whether they lie, drop their knickers and cheat.

It is a simple as that."

The simple thing would be to have refrained from commenting as you had nothing constructive to suggest.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

It is a simple as that."

We guessed

To be fair though, people were giving advice on her dilemma, and not supporting her with her playing away.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It is a simple as that."

I`d agree Polo ...but life doesn`t always go in straight lines ...and the responsibility to make the right moral choices get blurred with feelings and introspection ..we all have the capacity to get lost and make mistakes ...its often easier to make judgements from the outside,forgetting our own examples of confusion and walking into moral ambiguity...

Your truth is valid as its yer own ...bit hard to swallow ...but then again ...sometimes medicine is I guess ...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sigh...it never seizes to amaze me. People post for comments/opinions and when it's not what they want to hear they get all arsey.

Oh well!

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

It is a simple as that.

The simple thing would be to have refrained from commenting as you had nothing constructive to suggest.

Just because it's not what you wanted to hear it doesn't make it any less valid.

Facts:

You placed your need to test if you were sexually attractive higher than the relationship need to maintain trust.

You made that choice 3 months before he left.

You point out the problems he brings to the relationship and hide your own from him.

Seven months ago up to this very day, the thought of him agreeing to take steps to resolve his issues, with the possibility of him then discovering your infidelity didn't stop you.

I can see why you wouldn't find my opinion constructive.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Facts:

You placed your need to test if you were sexually attractive higher than the relationship need to maintain trust.

No he placed his need to not deal with erectile dysfunction before my needs FACT.

You made that choice 3 months before he left.

No I did not I did not have an internet connection in the house until after he left in October 2010 FACT.

You point out the problems he brings to the relationship and hide your own from him.

I have never hidden the ONE problem I have with him namely that he does not satisfy me sexually FACT.

Seven months ago up to this very day, the thought of him agreeing to take steps to resolve his issues, with the possibility of him then discovering your infidelity didn't stop you.

I have AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN begged him to seek medical help and have offered AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN to seek that help WITH him. FACT.

There is no possiblity of him discovering that I have had sex with other men FACT.

I can see why you wouldn't find my opinion constructive.

Your opinion is not constructive because you are not addressing the issue namely that I am unsure whether to stay with someone who is not prepared to work on a major issue FACT.

Whether or not you agree or disagree with me having sex with other men is of no interest to anyone but YOU. FACT.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

It is a simple as that.

We guessed

To be fair though, people were giving advice on her dilemma, and not supporting her with her playing away."

Thanks that is exactly right.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

Ok, I think this has run it's course now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Having read all the advice from others, I probably dont have anything new to add.

But I wanted to give my two peneth as I have been in a similar situation.

Unlike others on here who just want to judge u, I won't make a comment about u being on here without ur fellas knowledge .

My situation had to end because not only was I desperately unhappy, but also the other person didn't care about me enough to want to either seek help, or find ways of changing/improving our sexlife.(in my opinion)

I guess I was the most upset and unhappy while trying to work out if I still wanted to stay with him or not.

And although ur facing walking away from a 4 and a half yr relationship I don't see how things can improve if he can't even face up to it, and at least make some sort of attempt to help himself.

Love doesn't fix everything, this is real life.

And if a fullfilling sex life matters to u, then perhaps being with someone who can give u that is something u should look elswhere for?

It is always a painful thing to leave someone when u still love them.

I wish u all the best, and hope u find the strength to make the right decision for u

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