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Sensual, primal D/s

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Well, well, I've been off on a little cyber field trip and found out all about sensual and primal D/s, with non-subby women sometimes, and without anything painful or demeaning involved, and been very impressed with the amount of openness, depth, trust and responsibility that seems to be de rigeur for these relationships. I love intensity, and whilst that can be found on here, intensity without accountability is unwise I think.

I seem to have been stumbled across by a fellow into sensual d/s on POF, haha, and I'm having a fascinating conversation with him and another guy off a fetish site about it all.....

So for those that are into all that rather than bdsm (which holds no interest for me) - do you find the trust and responsibility side is taken seriously by those involved? The thread on here recently shows that some people 'in the scene' (or pretending to be?) are total players. Is that often the case, or is there truly a cultural difference? I'd like to hear of any experiences.

And I would be grateful if those into the scene could PM me about how they got together with like minded souls.

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire


"Well, well, I've been off on a little cyber field trip and found out all about sensual and primal D/s, with non-subby women sometimes, and without anything painful or demeaning involved, and been very impressed with the amount of openness, depth, trust and responsibility that seems to be de rigeur for these relationships. I love intensity, and whilst that can be found on here, intensity without accountability is unwise I think.

I seem to have been stumbled across by a fellow into sensual d/s on POF, haha, and I'm having a fascinating conversation with him and another guy off a fetish site about it all.....

So for those that are into all that rather than bdsm (which holds no interest for me) - do you find the trust and responsibility side is taken seriously by those involved? The thread on here recently shows that some people 'in the scene' (or pretending to be?) are total players. Is that often the case, or is there truly a cultural difference? I'd like to hear of any experiences.

And I would be grateful if those into the scene could PM me about how they got together with like minded souls. "

Primal play and roles still fall under the BDSM umbrella. It's not all about pain, discipline, protocol, humiliation etc. It's whatever you want it to be. Lots of fetishes can be practised sensually without any control being handed over.

Primal play for me, is more of a power challenge. Resisting submission, giving power then taking it back constantly during the scene. For me it's a fight, with hard, raw, very physical and sometimes violent play.

On that we'll know fetish site, I've noticed more and more than people aren't selecting their roles as submissive or dominant, but opting for hedonist, kinkster, primal. Lots of people prefer sensual or physical play that isn't your stereotypical D/s. You might lots of information on there and others that practise it.

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Thanks yes, I did the quiz and came out:

96% Vanilla

90% Submissive

71% Primal (Prey)

60% Girl

.......so that caused me to look up some definitions, and this was the kind of description I liked:

Primal

Primal play in the kink context as getting to a place where the masks civilization can fall away and to allow acting on urges and impulses more directly.

These can be raw, rough sexual feelings, but they could also be joy, silliness, deep feelings of love and intimacy, feelings of deep tenderness, even sadness and grief.

“Primal” doesn’t necessarily have to mean “rough” (though it often may); it’s more a matter of being raw and unfiltered, whatever the feelings present are.

The term Primal may refer to a type of play, an identity, or a style of relationships and further primal play is often synonymous with pet play.

Primal tendencies often do not often conform to rigorous structures involved with protocol but often do have a d/s element which is often established through some for of dominance display.

Primal play is sometimes subdivided into preferred roles:

Primal Predator: A primal who seeks to hunt and attempt to capture prey.

Primal Prey: A primal who seeks to be hunted by a predator.

End

So what about the responsibility side - have you found that rings true??

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire


"Thanks yes, I did the quiz and came out:

96% Vanilla

90% Submissive

71% Primal (Prey)

60% Girl

.......so that caused me to look up some definitions, and this was the kind of description I liked:

Primal

Primal play in the kink context as getting to a place where the masks civilization can fall away and to allow acting on urges and impulses more directly.

These can be raw, rough sexual feelings, but they could also be joy, silliness, deep feelings of love and intimacy, feelings of deep tenderness, even sadness and grief.

“Primal” doesn’t necessarily have to mean “rough” (though it often may); it’s more a matter of being raw and unfiltered, whatever the feelings present are.

The term Primal may refer to a type of play, an identity, or a style of relationships and further primal play is often synonymous with pet play.

Primal tendencies often do not often conform to rigorous structures involved with protocol but often do have a d/s element which is often established through some for of dominance display.

Primal play is sometimes subdivided into preferred roles:

Primal Predator: A primal who seeks to hunt and attempt to capture prey.

Primal Prey: A primal who seeks to be hunted by a predator.

End

So what about the responsibility side - have you found that rings true??"

Primal for me leans towards ravishment and power struggle. And those types of play I only do within my D/s. I suppose it's when my normal D/s structure stays out of the scene and I get to challenge and literally fight to try and switch the power, usually failing

It's different for everyone I suppose. Reading is good.

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By *my-blackTV/TS
over a year ago

Poole

Like any relationship there are a million variations, nuances, differences.

I have found a lot of people talk the talk but I have found especially on here its rare to find someone who really understands sensual D/s play, building up trust, respect etc.

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"Like any relationship there are a million variations, nuances, differences.

I have found a lot of people talk the talk but I have found especially on here its rare to find someone who really understands sensual D/s play, building up trust, respect etc.

"

Yes I have been very impressed by the descriptions of the framework that should be in place, and that's what I will be looking for.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

And semantics cause a lot of misunderstanding

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"And semantics cause a lot of misunderstanding "

Care to expand??

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills


"And semantics cause a lot of misunderstanding

Care to expand??"

It does. a lot...

However Koryzbitski (damned if I can spell the damned name right) said if a lumberjack walked into a wood he would see things different to a bird watcher, and the bird watcher would not see the wood in the same way. as two lovers.

The map is not the territory, just different perception

Damn i need to drink more....

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"And semantics cause a lot of misunderstanding

Care to expand??

It does. a lot...

However Koryzbitski (damned if I can spell the damned name right) said if a lumberjack walked into a wood he would see things different to a bird watcher, and the bird watcher would not see the wood in the same way. as two lovers.

The map is not the territory, just different perception

Damn i need to drink more.... "

Lol, tell me in the morning

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By *iSTARessWoman
over a year ago

London

Kink scene is full of primals.

Played with a girl recently who is the toughest brat I've come across. Intend to break her though. I like a challenge

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"Kink scene is full of primals.

Played with a girl recently who is the toughest brat I've come across. Intend to break her though. I like a challenge "

My new friend says:

If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing.

If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up you're not worthy..........

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire


"Kink scene is full of primals.

Played with a girl recently who is the toughest brat I've come across. Intend to break her though. I like a challenge

My new friend says:

If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing.

If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up you're not worthy.......... "

Sounds like a Facebook meme.

It's exciting for you to find something new to explore. Have fun and stay safe.

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"Kink scene is full of primals.

Played with a girl recently who is the toughest brat I've come across. Intend to break her though. I like a challenge

My new friend says:

If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing.

If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up you're not worthy..........

Sounds like a Facebook meme.

It's exciting for you to find something new to explore. Have fun and stay safe. "

Thanks - there do seem to be some very interesting people who appreciate me in a different way, no sign of any instashags at all so far

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds akin to a horse whisperer. Seriously. Not meant in jest. I can see parallels. I am looking forward to finding out more about this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks yes, I did the quiz and came out:

96% Vanilla

90% Submissive

71% Primal (Prey)

60% Girl

.......so that caused me to look up some definitions, and this was the kind of description I liked:

Primal

Primal play in the kink context as getting to a place where the masks civilization can fall away and to allow acting on urges and impulses more directly.

These can be raw, rough sexual feelings, but they could also be joy, silliness, deep feelings of love and intimacy, feelings of deep tenderness, even sadness and grief.

“Primal” doesn’t necessarily have to mean “rough” (though it often may); it’s more a matter of being raw and unfiltered, whatever the feelings present are.

The term Primal may refer to a type of play, an identity, or a style of relationships and further primal play is often synonymous with pet play.

Primal tendencies often do not often conform to rigorous structures involved with protocol but often do have a d/s element which is often established through some for of dominance display.

Primal play is sometimes subdivided into preferred roles:

Primal Predator: A primal who seeks to hunt and attempt to capture prey.

Primal Prey: A primal who seeks to be hunted by a predator.

End

So what about the responsibility side - have you found that rings true??"

We did that test and we got,

Go away you are just fucked up! lol

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"Sounds akin to a horse whisperer. Seriously. Not meant in jest. I can see parallels. I am looking forward to finding out more about this."

Ooh exactly, me too!! I have often made the point that when I get a horse's willing submission the last thing I do is demean or abuse it, on the contrary, I have a duty of care I take very seriously, and the dance of total unity can finally begin!!

I want a Frisky Whisperer!!

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"Thanks yes, I did the quiz and came out:

96% Vanilla

90% Submissive

71% Primal (Prey)

60% Girl

.......so that caused me to look up some definitions, and this was the kind of description I liked:

Primal

Primal play in the kink context as getting to a place where the masks civilization can fall away and to allow acting on urges and impulses more directly.

These can be raw, rough sexual feelings, but they could also be joy, silliness, deep feelings of love and intimacy, feelings of deep tenderness, even sadness and grief.

“Primal” doesn’t necessarily have to mean “rough” (though it often may); it’s more a matter of being raw and unfiltered, whatever the feelings present are.

The term Primal may refer to a type of play, an identity, or a style of relationships and further primal play is often synonymous with pet play.

Primal tendencies often do not often conform to rigorous structures involved with protocol but often do have a d/s element which is often established through some for of dominance display.

Primal play is sometimes subdivided into preferred roles:

Primal Predator: A primal who seeks to hunt and attempt to capture prey.

Primal Prey: A primal who seeks to be hunted by a predator.

End

So what about the responsibility side - have you found that rings true??

We did that test and we got,

Go away you are just fucked up! lol"

Ooops!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wanna do this test. Where can I find it op?

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"Wanna do this test. Where can I find it op?"

If you google 'bdsm test' you should find it

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills


"Sounds akin to a horse whisperer. Seriously. Not meant in jest. I can see parallels. I am looking forward to finding out more about this.

Ooh exactly, me too!! I have often made the point that when I get a horse's willing submission the last thing I do is demean or abuse it, on the contrary, I have a duty of care I take very seriously, and the dance of total unity can finally begin!!

I want a Frisky Whisperer!! "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Done.

82% Dom

66% Primal Hunter

Surprisingly on 23% masochist.

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"Done.

82% Dom

66% Primal Hunter

"

Well hello lol!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Done.

82% Dom

66% Primal Hunter

Well hello lol! "

Hello to you too!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My last relationship had a sensual D/s element to it.

I'm not the most physically dominant person, and I'm not hugely into rough sex, though at times it just feels right. This was kind of perfect for me as it appeals more to my gentle nature.

The emotional and mental part was amazing. The elements of control and trust we had gave us the ability to explore and reach new heights. Combined with the sensuality and teasing, the passion and intensity, it was something else.

I'm still a newbie to all of this but just thought I'd throw in my two peneth worth.

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"My last relationship had a sensual D/s element to it.

I'm not the most physically dominant person, and I'm not hugely into rough sex, though at times it just feels right. This was kind of perfect for me as it appeals more to my gentle nature.

The emotional and mental part was amazing. The elements of control and trust we had gave us the ability to explore and reach new heights. Combined with the sensuality and teasing, the passion and intensity, it was something else.

I'm still a newbie to all of this but just thought I'd throw in my two peneth worth. "

I always knew you were more than just a pretty face and a pony tail.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My last relationship had a sensual D/s element to it.

I'm not the most physically dominant person, and I'm not hugely into rough sex, though at times it just feels right. This was kind of perfect for me as it appeals more to my gentle nature.

The emotional and mental part was amazing. The elements of control and trust we had gave us the ability to explore and reach new heights. Combined with the sensuality and teasing, the passion and intensity, it was something else.

I'm still a newbie to all of this but just thought I'd throw in my two peneth worth.

I always knew you were more than just a pretty face and a pony tail..... "

Pony tail? I never wear my hair up.

But yes, there is much more.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

90% switch

87% non monogamist

78% exhibitionist

74% primal (prey)

Very interesting!

Mrs x

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"My last relationship had a sensual D/s element to it.

I'm not the most physically dominant person, and I'm not hugely into rough sex, though at times it just feels right. This was kind of perfect for me as it appeals more to my gentle nature.

The emotional and mental part was amazing. The elements of control and trust we had gave us the ability to explore and reach new heights. Combined with the sensuality and teasing, the passion and intensity, it was something else.

I'm still a newbie to all of this but just thought I'd throw in my two peneth worth.

I always knew you were more than just a pretty face and a pony tail.....

Pony tail? I never wear my hair up.

But yes, there is much more. "

Yes, I'm finding it all quite exciting to talk about.....especially this morning with a 6'3" gym bunny who has a huge puppy haha!!

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"90% switch

87% non monogamist

78% exhibitionist

74% primal (prey)

Very interesting!

Mrs x"

Isn't it fascinating - after my first four the rest came virtually nowhere, though I've seen a lot of people who scored highly all the way down, kinky bastards lol!

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire


"90% switch

87% non monogamist

78% exhibitionist

74% primal (prey)

Very interesting!

Mrs x

Isn't it fascinating - after my first four the rest came virtually nowhere, though I've seen a lot of people who scored highly all the way down, kinky bastards lol!"

You'll do the test in 12 months time and score totally differently. What interested me about the scene at the start, now does nothing for me. And things that really didn't appeal at all, have now become staple kinks. It's fun to see how your perception changes over time.

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"90% switch

87% non monogamist

78% exhibitionist

74% primal (prey)

Very interesting!

Mrs x

Isn't it fascinating - after my first four the rest came virtually nowhere, though I've seen a lot of people who scored highly all the way down, kinky bastards lol!

You'll do the test in 12 months time and score totally differently. What interested me about the scene at the start, now does nothing for me. And things that really didn't appeal at all, have now become staple kinks. It's fun to see how your perception changes over time. "

I'll be interested to see if they do - I feel not but you never know!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i think people will generally be trustworthy or not, invest time into people to build up trust or not, and whatever scene they are a part of won't have much to do with it...not sure if certain things attract users more than others (they always go for the easy option so anything they perceive as easy is what they seek).

i do think there people are rare but that might just be my perception of people and they type of people i attract.

interesting conclusion that some experts have come to is that ASPD personalities tend to be more likely to be involved in fetishism.

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"i think people will generally be trustworthy or not, invest time into people to build up trust or not, and whatever scene they are a part of won't have much to do with it...not sure if certain things attract users more than others (they always go for the easy option so anything they perceive as easy is what they seek).

i do think there people are rare but that might just be my perception of people and they type of people i attract.

interesting conclusion that some experts have come to is that ASPD personalities tend to be more likely to be involved in fetishism."

That may be so, but as I am only interested in the more sensual side I am hoping to avoid them lol!! I have been very impressed so far with the depth and the respect which I have been shown by people in the scene, not a single 'fancy a fuck' message has been received lol! Seriously though, eloquent people are engaging me in interesting conversation which makes a nice change.

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire


"i think people will generally be trustworthy or not, invest time into people to build up trust or not, and whatever scene they are a part of won't have much to do with it...not sure if certain things attract users more than others (they always go for the easy option so anything they perceive as easy is what they seek).

i do think there people are rare but that might just be my perception of people and they type of people i attract.

interesting conclusion that some experts have come to is that ASPD personalities tend to be more likely to be involved in fetishism.

That may be so, but as I am only interested in the more sensual side I am hoping to avoid them lol!! I have been very impressed so far with the depth and the respect which I have been shown by people in the scene, not a single 'fancy a fuck' message has been received lol! Seriously though, eloquent people are engaging me in interesting conversation which makes a nice change. "

I'd say the scene does attract ASPD types as well as many other types. There is a broad spectrum and it's a place where social outsiders seem to fit. It's about sorting through and finding the like minded.

My advice would be, just be wary of how manipulative some can be on the scene. Especially those seducing with poetic and empowering quoted about the spirit of a sub

Some on the fetish scene can really talk the talk. Especially some of the predatory types.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"i think people will generally be trustworthy or not, invest time into people to build up trust or not, and whatever scene they are a part of won't have much to do with it...not sure if certain things attract users more than others (they always go for the easy option so anything they perceive as easy is what they seek).

i do think there people are rare but that might just be my perception of people and they type of people i attract.

interesting conclusion that some experts have come to is that ASPD personalities tend to be more likely to be involved in fetishism.

That may be so, but as I am only interested in the more sensual side I am hoping to avoid them lol!! I have been very impressed so far with the depth and the respect which I have been shown by people in the scene, not a single 'fancy a fuck' message has been received lol! Seriously though, eloquent people are engaging me in interesting conversation which makes a nice change. "

i don't really get fancy a fuck or anything like that, but i do get a lot of guys think i'm after some kind of relationship online or providing a paid service (which i do now).

saying that though i do only use fetlife and that's just how that site seems to be.

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"i think people will generally be trustworthy or not, invest time into people to build up trust or not, and whatever scene they are a part of won't have much to do with it...not sure if certain things attract users more than others (they always go for the easy option so anything they perceive as easy is what they seek).

i do think there people are rare but that might just be my perception of people and they type of people i attract.

interesting conclusion that some experts have come to is that ASPD personalities tend to be more likely to be involved in fetishism.

That may be so, but as I am only interested in the more sensual side I am hoping to avoid them lol!! I have been very impressed so far with the depth and the respect which I have been shown by people in the scene, not a single 'fancy a fuck' message has been received lol! Seriously though, eloquent people are engaging me in interesting conversation which makes a nice change.

I'd say the scene does attract ASPD types as well as many other types. There is a broad spectrum and it's a place where social outsiders seem to fit. It's about sorting through and finding the like minded.

My advice would be, just be wary of how manipulative some can be on the scene. Especially those seducing with poetic and empowering quoted about the spirit of a sub

Some on the fetish scene can really talk the talk. Especially some of the predatory types. "

Yes, I bet!! I haven't had any of that yet, and if I don't fancy them I am not even talking to them anyway. The guy I am talking to most is a bit of an adonis, so I am deeply suspicious haha, but so far seems to be very, very normal in discussion.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I read this last night when I was half asleep and I still don't really understand what you mean... I want to though.

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"I read this last night when I was half asleep and I still don't really understand what you mean... I want to though."

PM me with questions if you like lol - I don't understand much yet either!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I like sensual every now and then. Sensation and slow play can be really really hot. But I like bitey and scratchy and hitty and tying up and things. Grrrrrr!!!! Whilst everyone is showing their survey things here's mine.

95% Dominant

91% Rigger

90% Primal (Hunter)

90% Master/Mistress

87% Degrader

86% Experimentalist

84% Owner

84% Sadist

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"I like sensual every now and then. Sensation and slow play can be really really hot. But I like bitey and scratchy and hitty and tying up and things. Grrrrrr!!!! Whilst everyone is showing their survey things here's mine.

95% Dominant

91% Rigger

90% Primal (Hunter)

90% Master/Mistress

87% Degrader

86% Experimentalist

84% Owner

84% Sadist"

Haha, no I'm a furry purry, not a fighty bitey!!

It's funny how really kinky people have so many characteristics in the upper 80's and 90's lol!! After my first four I am 37% brat ( which could cause a fight) and 20% switch and then it's almost totally down to single figures after that! Seems pretty accurate to me, I love the primal label!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I like sensual every now and then. Sensation and slow play can be really really hot. But I like bitey and scratchy and hitty and tying up and things. Grrrrrr!!!! Whilst everyone is showing their survey things here's mine.

95% Dominant

91% Rigger

90% Primal (Hunter)

90% Master/Mistress

87% Degrader

86% Experimentalist

84% Owner

84% Sadist

Haha, no I'm a furry purry, not a fighty bitey!!

It's funny how really kinky people have so many characteristics in the upper 80's and 90's lol!! After my first four I am 37% brat ( which could cause a fight) and 20% switch and then it's almost totally down to single figures after that! Seems pretty accurate to me, I love the primal label!! "

Aaaah but I bet I could make your purr into a growl and a hiss. He he. X

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"I like sensual every now and then. Sensation and slow play can be really really hot. But I like bitey and scratchy and hitty and tying up and things. Grrrrrr!!!! Whilst everyone is showing their survey things here's mine.

95% Dominant

91% Rigger

90% Primal (Hunter)

90% Master/Mistress

87% Degrader

86% Experimentalist

84% Owner

84% Sadist

Haha, no I'm a furry purry, not a fighty bitey!!

It's funny how really kinky people have so many characteristics in the upper 80's and 90's lol!! After my first four I am 37% brat ( which could cause a fight) and 20% switch and then it's almost totally down to single figures after that! Seems pretty accurate to me, I love the primal label!!

Aaaah but I bet I could make your purr into a growl and a hiss. He he. X "

Hahaha, oh I am sure you could, my 37% brat will look after me!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Kink scene is full of primals.

Played with a girl recently who is the toughest brat I've come across. Intend to break her though. I like a challenge "

The challenge is where it is at

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"And semantics cause a lot of misunderstanding

Care to expand??

It does. a lot...

However Koryzbitski (damned if I can spell the damned name right) said if a lumberjack walked into a wood he would see things different to a bird watcher, and the bird watcher would not see the wood in the same way. as two lovers.

The map is not the territory, just different perception

Damn i need to drink more.... "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Well, well, I've been off on a little cyber field trip and found out all about sensual and primal D/s, with non-subby women sometimes, and without anything painful or demeaning involved, and been very impressed with the amount of openness, depth, trust and responsibility that seems to be de rigeur for these relationships. I love intensity, and whilst that can be found on here, intensity without accountability is unwise I think.

I seem to have been stumbled across by a fellow into sensual d/s on POF, haha, and I'm having a fascinating conversation with him and another guy off a fetish site about it all.....

So for those that are into all that rather than bdsm (which holds no interest for me) - do you find the trust and responsibility side is taken seriously by those involved? The thread on here recently shows that some people 'in the scene' (or pretending to be?) are total players. Is that often the case, or is there truly a cultural difference? I'd like to hear of any experiences.

And I would be grateful if those into the scene could PM me about how they got together with like minded souls. "

As a point of devil's advocacy l find it troubling in relation to consensual adult activities people use words such as 'player' and 'instashag'.

The reduction of adult sexual and kink relationships to behaving like the perfect boyfriend for a schoolgirl or soft focus romantic novella bdsm just makes it another vanilla activity.

I take for granted trust is key, but as an example if a woman enjoys gang bangs it is different kind of trust. Players and instashags are needed to fulfill that fantasy.

I am just wary of people who either way try to dictate for other people what is, or is not fetish. Or how to do or not to do fetish, we can only say what is or is not acceptable to us individually and expect the people we play with or contact to respect that.

Intellectually l am still trying to work out domination. There seems to be a trend to paint dominants as a (pre Injustice) superman/ wonder woman figure but if you dealing with alphas will they not be more batman /Joker?

I have no answer and throw it in the ring in response to OP's opening comments.

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"

As a point of devil's advocacy l find it troubling in relation to consensual adult activities people use words such as 'player' and 'instashag'."

When I say a 'player' I mean a manipulative deceiver so in that sense there is nothing consensual about it - I was referring to another thread where a lady had (apparently, allegedly) been the victim of some very poor treatment from someone purporting to be an experienced dom, so I make no apology for the use of the word.

And 'instashag' is a derogatory term which is used on here solely to apply to a fictitious sense of ignorance and entitlement, and as far as I know has no bona fide use anyway, so no-one to defend.

By the same token I am, I am told by the bdsm test, 96% vanilla so who are you to use the word against me in a derogatory sense?? I will let the schoolgirl quip pass, as at my age, if I am ever mistaken for a schoolgirl I would be deeply amused for days.

You berate me over dictating what is or is not a fetish when I did nothing of the kind - perhaps you just need to reread my original post?

The question I was asking was simply 'do people involved in D/s find that the trust that everyone agrees is required is actually given in reality'

- particularly as someone had just described their trust being totally abused by a 'so-called dom'. I fail to see any valid reason for you to have a go at me!

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire

There are players on the fet scene. Just as there are on the swinging scene. The problem with players on the fet scene is you've usually let them so deep into your head that you become incredibly vulnerable to manipulation and hurt. The is a huge amount of trust you place in someone in a Fetish relationship. Even if it's a casual one. You usually spend hours and hours opening up to someone before you even meet. It's so different from arranging a swinging meet. It's like you have to lay your hopes, expectations, fears, desires etc all on the table before you've even played. It's much easier for someone to take advantage of that.

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"There are players on the fet scene. Just as there are on the swinging scene. The problem with players on the fet scene is you've usually let them so deep into your head that you become incredibly vulnerable to manipulation and hurt. The is a huge amount of trust you place in someone in a Fetish relationship. Even if it's a casual one. You usually spend hours and hours opening up to someone before you even meet. It's so different from arranging a swinging meet. It's like you have to lay your hopes, expectations, fears, desires etc all on the table before you've even played. It's much easier for someone to take advantage of that. "

Yes, I can imagine it would be particularly if you have to talk long enough to be comfortable in some of the more dangerous types of play - I am hoping that as I am not interested in those it might be a little easier for me. At any rate, I am being very wary.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ooh that was an eye opener.

I am

93% primal (hunter)

91% voyeur

88% dominant

84% non monogamous

78% mistress

70% vanilla

Im scaring myself now

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"Ooh that was an eye opener.

I am

93% primal (hunter)

91% voyeur

88% dominant

84% non monogamous

78% mistress

70% vanilla

Im scaring myself now "

Haha, I'm keeping away from you!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ooh that was an eye opener.

I am

93% primal (hunter)

91% voyeur

88% dominant

84% non monogamous

78% mistress

70% vanilla

Im scaring myself now

Haha, I'm keeping away from you!!"

Its ok.. Im 70% vanilla a pussycat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"There are players on the fet scene. Just as there are on the swinging scene. The problem with players on the fet scene is you've usually let them so deep into your head that you become incredibly vulnerable to manipulation and hurt. The is a huge amount of trust you place in someone in a Fetish relationship. Even if it's a casual one. You usually spend hours and hours opening up to someone before you even meet. It's so different from arranging a swinging meet. It's like you have to lay your hopes, expectations, fears, desires etc all on the table before you've even played. It's much easier for someone to take advantage of that. "

Totally agree with you. I was almost destroyed by a women who got right into my head and twisted things around so much. However i think i can see the signs now.

Would you agree that subs can be quite manipulating too ?

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire


"There are players on the fet scene. Just as there are on the swinging scene. The problem with players on the fet scene is you've usually let them so deep into your head that you become incredibly vulnerable to manipulation and hurt. The is a huge amount of trust you place in someone in a Fetish relationship. Even if it's a casual one. You usually spend hours and hours opening up to someone before you even meet. It's so different from arranging a swinging meet. It's like you have to lay your hopes, expectations, fears, desires etc all on the table before you've even played. It's much easier for someone to take advantage of that.

Totally agree with you. I was almost destroyed by a women who got right into my head and twisted things around so much. However i think i can see the signs now.

Would you agree that subs can be quite manipulating too ?"

Yeah of course.

As a sub, I'm basically asking any potential dom to head fuck me. You've just got to hope and try and ensure that they do it in a positive way.

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By *my-blackTV/TS
over a year ago

Poole


"There are players on the fet scene. Just as there are on the swinging scene. The problem with players on the fet scene is you've usually let them so deep into your head that you become incredibly vulnerable to manipulation and hurt. The is a huge amount of trust you place in someone in a Fetish relationship. Even if it's a casual one. You usually spend hours and hours opening up to someone before you even meet. It's so different from arranging a swinging meet. It's like you have to lay your hopes, expectations, fears, desires etc all on the table before you've even played. It's much easier for someone to take advantage of that.

Totally agree with you. I was almost destroyed by a women who got right into my head and twisted things around so much. However i think i can see the signs now.

Would you agree that subs can be quite manipulating too ?"

lol, subs can be extremely manipulating

One of the terms is leading from the bottom. At the end of the day a sub is looking for sexual activity that they crave and they will always aim for the particular fetish that they crave whether it be bondage or impact play and so on.

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By *my-blackTV/TS
over a year ago

Poole


"There are players on the fet scene. Just as there are on the swinging scene. The problem with players on the fet scene is you've usually let them so deep into your head that you become incredibly vulnerable to manipulation and hurt. The is a huge amount of trust you place in someone in a Fetish relationship. Even if it's a casual one. You usually spend hours and hours opening up to someone before you even meet. It's so different from arranging a swinging meet. It's like you have to lay your hopes, expectations, fears, desires etc all on the table before you've even played. It's much easier for someone to take advantage of that. "

This soooo much

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"There are players on the fet scene. Just as there are on the swinging scene. The problem with players on the fet scene is you've usually let them so deep into your head that you become incredibly vulnerable to manipulation and hurt. The is a huge amount of trust you place in someone in a Fetish relationship. Even if it's a casual one. You usually spend hours and hours opening up to someone before you even meet. It's so different from arranging a swinging meet. It's like you have to lay your hopes, expectations, fears, desires etc all on the table before you've even played. It's much easier for someone to take advantage of that.

Totally agree with you. I was almost destroyed by a women who got right into my head and twisted things around so much. However i think i can see the signs now.

Would you agree that subs can be quite manipulating too ?

lol, subs can be extremely manipulating

One of the terms is leading from the bottom. At the end of the day a sub is looking for sexual activity that they crave and they will always aim for the particular fetish that they crave whether it be bondage or impact play and so on.

"

Lol i knew someone who was just like that she enjoyed impact play and would be very naughty on purpose the response was to take the impact away

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just don't overthink it, and do what you enjoy. Communication is king too, both ways. If you're not sure what you enjoy, then be ready to say no, or yes

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire


"There are players on the fet scene. Just as there are on the swinging scene. The problem with players on the fet scene is you've usually let them so deep into your head that you become incredibly vulnerable to manipulation and hurt. The is a huge amount of trust you place in someone in a Fetish relationship. Even if it's a casual one. You usually spend hours and hours opening up to someone before you even meet. It's so different from arranging a swinging meet. It's like you have to lay your hopes, expectations, fears, desires etc all on the table before you've even played. It's much easier for someone to take advantage of that.

Totally agree with you. I was almost destroyed by a women who got right into my head and twisted things around so much. However i think i can see the signs now.

Would you agree that subs can be quite manipulating too ?

lol, subs can be extremely manipulating

One of the terms is leading from the bottom. At the end of the day a sub is looking for sexual activity that they crave and they will always aim for the particular fetish that they crave whether it be bondage or impact play and so on.

"

Topping from the bottom. I do it all the time if I can get away with it. And yes, it allows me to get casual play that I want. So if I fancy impact, I can get an impact scene at an event and I can pretty much top the whole thing from the bottom. I can say I want this and this, within these limits. And usually get it without giving much back. For me, Topping from the bottom is a way of me pushing someone to see what I can get away with. If I can, then I lose interest. It's a test.

But it's not something I do within my Ds.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

As a point of devil's advocacy l find it troubling in relation to consensual adult activities people use words such as 'player' and 'instashag'.

When I say a 'player' I mean a manipulative deceiver so in that sense there is nothing consensual about it - I was referring to another thread where a lady had (apparently, allegedly) been the victim of some very poor treatment from someone purporting to be an experienced dom, so I make no apology for the use of the word.

And 'instashag' is a derogatory term which is used on here solely to apply to a fictitious sense of ignorance and entitlement, and as far as I know has no bona fide use anyway, so no-one to defend.

By the same token I am, I am told by the bdsm test, 96% vanilla so who are you to use the word against me in a derogatory sense?? I will let the schoolgirl quip pass, as at my age, if I am ever mistaken for a schoolgirl I would be deeply amused for days.

You berate me over dictating what is or is not a fetish when I did nothing of the kind - perhaps you just need to reread my original post?

The question I was asking was simply 'do people involved in D/s find that the trust that everyone agrees is required is actually given in reality'

- particularly as someone had just described their trust being totally abused by a 'so-called dom'. I fail to see any valid reason for you to have a go at me!

Hi Frisky Mare firstly l was not having a go at you, l don't believe in personalising debates. If l have insulted you l apologise, although l did not intend to insult you nor do l believe that l did. But if you feel l was personising the debate l apologise.

What l felt l was doing was putting a contrary position to that emerging from the thread. To use an example l used to play rugby union. It has become an impact sport. I agree that in principle it should be a safe game as possible. But if you remove the impact and the scrum it is not rugby union. If you remove the pain, the degradation, and those items that do not make it a vanilla relationship it becomes a vanilla relationship. I am not and l did not say one type of relationship is better than another, l was trying to say each to their own and apart from abuse their is room for all sorts.

"

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"

As a point of devil's advocacy l find it troubling in relation to consensual adult activities people use words such as 'player' and 'instashag'.

When I say a 'player' I mean a manipulative deceiver so in that sense there is nothing consensual about it - I was referring to another thread where a lady had (apparently, allegedly) been the victim of some very poor treatment from someone purporting to be an experienced dom, so I make no apology for the use of the word.

And 'instashag' is a derogatory term which is used on here solely to apply to a fictitious sense of ignorance and entitlement, and as far as I know has no bona fide use anyway, so no-one to defend.

By the same token I am, I am told by the bdsm test, 96% vanilla so who are you to use the word against me in a derogatory sense?? I will let the schoolgirl quip pass, as at my age, if I am ever mistaken for a schoolgirl I would be deeply amused for days.

You berate me over dictating what is or is not a fetish when I did nothing of the kind - perhaps you just need to reread my original post?

The question I was asking was simply 'do people involved in D/s find that the trust that everyone agrees is required is actually given in reality'

- particularly as someone had just described their trust being totally abused by a 'so-called dom'. I fail to see any valid reason for you to have a go at me!

Hi Frisky Mare firstly l was not having a go at you, l don't believe in personalising debates. If l have insulted you l apologise, although l did not intend to insult you nor do l believe that l did. But if you feel l was personising the debate l apologise.

What l felt l was doing was putting a contrary position to that emerging from the thread. To use an example l used to play rugby union. It has become an impact sport. I agree that in principle it should be a safe game as possible. But if you remove the impact and the scrum it is not rugby union. If you remove the pain, the degradation, and those items that do not make it a vanilla relationship it becomes a vanilla relationship. I am not and l did not say one type of relationship is better than another, l was trying to say each to their own and apart from abuse their is room for all sorts.

"

It's Ok, I did not mean I took it personally, just that you were taking issue with points i did not make in the first place while quoting my post!

But according to those into bdsm (not me) it is indeed possible to have something without any pain and degradation that comes under that umbrella because it is about the power dynamic at root, NOT the pain and degredation - don't shoot the messenger!

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By *ubbykittenWoman
over a year ago

Kent

Oh now I love this!!!! Primal play! That is me!!!!! Mmmmmm

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

99% Submissive

94% Rope bunny

83% Exhibitionist

83% Experimentalist

79% Slave

73% Brat

67% Degradee

61% Girl/Boy

61% Non-monogamist

58% Masochist

53% Primal (Prey)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

As a point of devil's advocacy l find it troubling in relation to consensual adult activities people use words such as 'player' and 'instashag'.

When I say a 'player' I mean a manipulative deceiver so in that sense there is nothing consensual about it - I was referring to another thread where a lady had (apparently, allegedly) been the victim of some very poor treatment from someone purporting to be an experienced dom, so I make no apology for the use of the word.

And 'instashag' is a derogatory term which is used on here solely to apply to a fictitious sense of ignorance and entitlement, and as far as I know has no bona fide use anyway, so no-one to defend.

By the same token I am, I am told by the bdsm test, 96% vanilla so who are you to use the word against me in a derogatory sense?? I will let the schoolgirl quip pass, as at my age, if I am ever mistaken for a schoolgirl I would be deeply amused for days.

You berate me over dictating what is or is not a fetish when I did nothing of the kind - perhaps you just need to reread my original post?

The question I was asking was simply 'do people involved in D/s find that the trust that everyone agrees is required is actually given in reality'

- particularly as someone had just described their trust being totally abused by a 'so-called dom'. I fail to see any valid reason for you to have a go at me!

Hi Frisky Mare firstly l was not having a go at you, l don't believe in personalising debates. If l have insulted you l apologise, although l did not intend to insult you nor do l believe that l did. But if you feel l was personising the debate l apologise.

What l felt l was doing was putting a contrary position to that emerging from the thread. To use an example l used to play rugby union. It has become an impact sport. I agree that in principle it should be a safe game as possible. But if you remove the impact and the scrum it is not rugby union. If you remove the pain, the degradation, and those items that do not make it a vanilla relationship it becomes a vanilla relationship. I am not and l did not say one type of relationship is better than another, l was trying to say each to their own and apart from abuse their is room for all sorts.

It's Ok, I did not mean I took it personally, just that you were taking issue with points i did not make in the first place while quoting my post!

But according to those into bdsm (not me) it is indeed possible to have something without any pain and degradation that comes under that umbrella because it is about the power dynamic at root, NOT the pain and degredation - don't shoot the messenger!"

I was not shooting the messenger, l was merely putting an alternative view. That is why l said ' As a point of devil's advocacy...'

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"

As a point of devil's advocacy l find it troubling in relation to consensual adult activities people use words such as 'player' and 'instashag'.

When I say a 'player' I mean a manipulative deceiver so in that sense there is nothing consensual about it - I was referring to another thread where a lady had (apparently, allegedly) been the victim of some very poor treatment from someone purporting to be an experienced dom, so I make no apology for the use of the word.

And 'instashag' is a derogatory term which is used on here solely to apply to a fictitious sense of ignorance and entitlement, and as far as I know has no bona fide use anyway, so no-one to defend.

By the same token I am, I am told by the bdsm test, 96% vanilla so who are you to use the word against me in a derogatory sense?? I will let the schoolgirl quip pass, as at my age, if I am ever mistaken for a schoolgirl I would be deeply amused for days.

You berate me over dictating what is or is not a fetish when I did nothing of the kind - perhaps you just need to reread my original post?

The question I was asking was simply 'do people involved in D/s find that the trust that everyone agrees is required is actually given in reality'

- particularly as someone had just described their trust being totally abused by a 'so-called dom'. I fail to see any valid reason for you to have a go at me!

Hi Frisky Mare firstly l was not having a go at you, l don't believe in personalising debates. If l have insulted you l apologise, although l did not intend to insult you nor do l believe that l did. But if you feel l was personising the debate l apologise.

What l felt l was doing was putting a contrary position to that emerging from the thread. To use an example l used to play rugby union. It has become an impact sport. I agree that in principle it should be a safe game as possible. But if you remove the impact and the scrum it is not rugby union. If you remove the pain, the degradation, and those items that do not make it a vanilla relationship it becomes a vanilla relationship. I am not and l did not say one type of relationship is better than another, l was trying to say each to their own and apart from abuse their is room for all sorts.

It's Ok, I did not mean I took it personally, just that you were taking issue with points i did not make in the first place while quoting my post!

But according to those into bdsm (not me) it is indeed possible to have something without any pain and degradation that comes under that umbrella because it is about the power dynamic at root, NOT the pain and degredation - don't shoot the messenger!

I was not shooting the messenger, l was merely putting an alternative view. That is why l said ' As a point of devil's advocacy...'

"

No, that was a different point - about my use of the terms instashag and player.

You said: "The reduction of adult sexual and kink relationships to behaving like the perfect boyfriend for a schoolgirl or soft focus romantic novella bdsm just makes it another vanilla activity."

Not so. You are either insulting my description or the notion of a non-pain, non-demeaning, trusting, responsible relationship - but this whole thread came about simply because I have just discovered they do indeed exist under the umbrella of bdsm. It is you that needs to adjust your sites, not me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So be it, if you wish to find insults where there are none l cannot stop you. If you cannot accept an alternative view it is up to you. I have no animosity l wish you luck on your journey.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville


"Kink scene is full of primals.

Played with a girl recently who is the toughest brat I've come across. Intend to break her though. I like a challenge

My new friend says:

If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing.

If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up you're not worthy.......... "

I liketthat phrase

I practise this with my husband as he has a twisted mind that it took me a long time to learn my way around and twist in tune with.....

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills


"99% Submissive

94% Rope bunny

83% Exhibitionist

83% Experimentalist

79% Slave

73% Brat

67% Degradee

61% Girl/Boy

61% Non-monogamist

58% Masochist

53% Primal (Prey)

"
z

Flipping 'eck done nothing for my testosterone levels...

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"99% Submissive

94% Rope bunny

83% Exhibitionist

83% Experimentalist

79% Slave

73% Brat

67% Degradee

61% Girl/Boy

61% Non-monogamist

58% Masochist

53% Primal (Prey)

z

Flipping 'eck done nothing for my testosterone levels..."

Aww, why??

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By *enard ArgenteMan
over a year ago

London and France


"

.....,," If you remove the pain, the degradation, and those items that do not make it a vanilla relationship it becomes a vanilla relationship....."

.....,,"But according to those into bdsm (not me) it is indeed possible to have something without any pain and degradation that comes under that umbrella because it is about the power dynamic at root,NOT the pain and degredation "...,,

"

Frisky; you understand it correctly;

Whilst for many, pain and degradation forms an essential part of BDSM;

The essence of any of this is the power play; the dynamic, the " mind games ", the exchange of , and surrender of control. The exchange of control, where the "sub" controls, by surrendering control. Which manifests itself in many ways, but is essentially a dynamic if the mind.

To theorise that lack of physical pain, or degradation or lack of physical restraint makes it vanilla, is to completely miss the entire point.

Especially in primal "D/S".

It may need no more than a look to exchange and exert that control.

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"

.....,," If you remove the pain, the degradation, and those items that do not make it a vanilla relationship it becomes a vanilla relationship....."

.....,,"But according to those into bdsm (not me) it is indeed possible to have something without any pain and degradation that comes under that umbrella because it is about the power dynamic at root,NOT the pain and degredation "...,,

Frisky; you understand it correctly;

Whilst for many, pain and degradation forms an essential part of BDSM;

The essence of any of this is the power play; the dynamic, the " mind games ", the exchange of , and surrender of control. The exchange of control, where the "sub" controls, by surrendering control. Which manifests itself in many ways, but is essentially a dynamic if the mind.

To theorise that lack of physical pain, or degradation or lack of physical restraint makes it vanilla, is to completely miss the entire point.

"

Exactly, and the horse whispering analogy is a perfect example. People misunderstand the meaning of dominance in the broader sense - it's just "to have power or influence over others".

How you got that power, and what you do with it, are entirely different questions.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've recently dabbled in D/s and took my responsibility as the Domme seriously; I took time to chat a lot with my sub before meeting to learn what he wanted from the experience, what his limits were etc and I found that this made for a very satisfying experience for both of us.

I found it wasn't about me having power at all; he has the power as its all about his limits. I actually found the role quite nurturing (underneath the spanking and dominance); giving the sub the pleasure and release they seek.

Obviously I'm new to this so others may disagree but that is what I've found so far...

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"I've recently dabbled in D/s and took my responsibility as the Domme seriously; I took time to chat a lot with my sub before meeting to learn what he wanted from the experience, what his limits were etc and I found that this made for a very satisfying experience for both of us.

I found it wasn't about me having power at all; he has the power as its all about his limits. I actually found the role quite nurturing (underneath the spanking and dominance); giving the sub the pleasure and release they seek.

Obviously I'm new to this so others may disagree but that is what I've found so far... "

Interesting, good word nurturing - that is the kind of word I would use with regard to my horse analogy, the joy of having such a precious gift as their submission that enabled a very special dance to begin.......

It's funny actually, I felt a strange sensation of power last night because the guys I was talking to wanted to know where I was going and when I would be back, one even suggested I put skype on my phone so they didn't have to wait 'til I got home......

I've always been entirely at home jealous and possessive men anyway, but the knowledge that they actually NEEDED to control me, and the fact that that gave me control, was very novel and interesting lol!!

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire


"I've recently dabbled in D/s and took my responsibility as the Domme seriously; I took time to chat a lot with my sub before meeting to learn what he wanted from the experience, what his limits were etc and I found that this made for a very satisfying experience for both of us.

I found it wasn't about me having power at all; he has the power as its all about his limits. I actually found the role quite nurturing (underneath the spanking and dominance); giving the sub the pleasure and release they seek.

Obviously I'm new to this so others may disagree but that is what I've found so far...

Interesting, good word nurturing - that is the kind of word I would use with regard to my horse analogy, the joy of having such a precious gift as their submission that enabled a very special dance to begin.......

It's funny actually, I felt a strange sensation of power last night because the guys I was talking to wanted to know where I was going and when I would be back, one even suggested I put skype on my phone so they didn't have to wait 'til I got home......

I've always been entirely at home jealous and possessive men anyway, but the knowledge that they actually NEEDED to control me, and the fact that that gave me control, was very novel and interesting lol!! "

I'm very anti this idea of submission being a gift. It's my main bugbear of Ds. That subs need to feel that what they are doing is precious and special. Dom's don't refer to their domination as a gift to the sub! A sub by submitting is asking a dominant to give her what she needs. That isn't a gift.

It'e a two way exchange. A negotiation, a unison, no matter how casual.

Some of the stuff I've seen on this thread would ring an alarm bell for me to avoid.

This is why subs get hurt, by romantising things.

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"I've recently dabbled in D/s and took my responsibility as the Domme seriously; I took time to chat a lot with my sub before meeting to learn what he wanted from the experience, what his limits were etc and I found that this made for a very satisfying experience for both of us.

I found it wasn't about me having power at all; he has the power as its all about his limits. I actually found the role quite nurturing (underneath the spanking and dominance); giving the sub the pleasure and release they seek.

Obviously I'm new to this so others may disagree but that is what I've found so far...

Interesting, good word nurturing - that is the kind of word I would use with regard to my horse analogy, the joy of having such a precious gift as their submission that enabled a very special dance to begin.......

It's funny actually, I felt a strange sensation of power last night because the guys I was talking to wanted to know where I was going and when I would be back, one even suggested I put skype on my phone so they didn't have to wait 'til I got home......

I've always been entirely at home jealous and possessive men anyway, but the knowledge that they actually NEEDED to control me, and the fact that that gave me control, was very novel and interesting lol!!

I'm very anti this idea of submission being a gift. It's my main bugbear of Ds. That subs need to feel that what they are doing is precious and special. Dom's don't refer to their domination as a gift to the sub! A sub by submitting is asking a dominant to give her what she needs. That isn't a gift.

It'e a two way exchange. A negotiation, a unison, no matter how casual.

Some of the stuff I've seen on this thread would ring an alarm bell for me to avoid.

This is why subs get hurt, by romantising things. "

Yes, I can imagine, I see your point. From my perspective though my horse analogy is not 'romantic'- willing submission is something I see as truly valuable, especially when the norm is to take it by force.

But if your sub is asking the dom to 'give' her what she needs, why can it not be viewed as a 'gift' when he does, and vice versa, without it being a romantic notion?

I hope this never becomes a need for me anyway, just a desire and a pleasure. Maybe it's just a matter of perspective or semantics?

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire


"I've recently dabbled in D/s and took my responsibility as the Domme seriously; I took time to chat a lot with my sub before meeting to learn what he wanted from the experience, what his limits were etc and I found that this made for a very satisfying experience for both of us.

I found it wasn't about me having power at all; he has the power as its all about his limits. I actually found the role quite nurturing (underneath the spanking and dominance); giving the sub the pleasure and release they seek.

Obviously I'm new to this so others may disagree but that is what I've found so far...

Interesting, good word nurturing - that is the kind of word I would use with regard to my horse analogy, the joy of having such a precious gift as their submission that enabled a very special dance to begin.......

It's funny actually, I felt a strange sensation of power last night because the guys I was talking to wanted to know where I was going and when I would be back, one even suggested I put skype on my phone so they didn't have to wait 'til I got home......

I've always been entirely at home jealous and possessive men anyway, but the knowledge that they actually NEEDED to control me, and the fact that that gave me control, was very novel and interesting lol!!

I'm very anti this idea of submission being a gift. It's my main bugbear of Ds. That subs need to feel that what they are doing is precious and special. Dom's don't refer to their domination as a gift to the sub! A sub by submitting is asking a dominant to give her what she needs. That isn't a gift.

It'e a two way exchange. A negotiation, a unison, no matter how casual.

Some of the stuff I've seen on this thread would ring an alarm bell for me to avoid.

This is why subs get hurt, by romantising things.

Yes, I can imagine, I see your point. From my perspective though my horse analogy is not 'romantic'- willing submission is something I see as truly valuable, especially when the norm is to take it by force.

But if your sub is asking the dom to 'give' her what she needs, why can it not be viewed as a 'gift' when he does, and vice versa, without it being a romantic notion?

I hope this never becomes a need for me anyway, just a desire and a pleasure. Maybe it's just a matter of perspective or semantics?"

Well, it would be, that's my point. Yet you don't see the gifting subs saying it.

All I'm saying, as an experienced submissive, is if a potential dom needs to flower things up with enticing and motivating quotes about a woman's worth, then I'd avoid for a few reasons.

And it baffles me why a sub needs to feel that in order to put her mind and body through challenging stimulation and pleasure, that she needs to deem it a present to someone else.

It's all so pretentious and I think puts a lot of people off trying BDSM, in particularly Ds.

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"

All I'm saying, as an experienced submissive, is if a potential dom needs to flower things up with enticing and motivating quotes about a woman's worth, then I'd avoid for a few reasons.

And it baffles me why a sub needs to feel that in order to put her mind and body through challenging stimulation and pleasure, that she needs to deem it a present to someone else.

It's all so pretentious and I think puts a lot of people off trying BDSM, in particularly Ds. "

Oh I think it's a broad enough church to be able to handle a gentle dom or two - I like the quotes, but they are just that - a coupe of quotes, not an indication of a florid over-romantic approach.

And it doesn't matter to me what 'most subs' say anyway, most subs seem to be into pain and degradation and all kinds of shit I would not tolerate, and I'd rather follow a trail less travelled. I don't 'need' to feel anything, but I want to know the person I am considering meeting is not just some misogynist grunt, sure.

I would avoid any profile that references most of the things you crave no doubt, I am sure there is room for free choice for us both!

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire


"

All I'm saying, as an experienced submissive, is if a potential dom needs to flower things up with enticing and motivating quotes about a woman's worth, then I'd avoid for a few reasons.

And it baffles me why a sub needs to feel that in order to put her mind and body through challenging stimulation and pleasure, that she needs to deem it a present to someone else.

It's all so pretentious and I think puts a lot of people off trying BDSM, in particularly Ds.

Oh I think it's a broad enough church to be able to handle a gentle dom or two - I like the quotes, but they are just that - a coupe of quotes, not an indication of a florid over-romantic approach.

And it doesn't matter to me what 'most subs' say anyway, most subs seem to be into pain and degradation and all kinds of shit I would not tolerate, and I'd rather follow a trail less travelled. I don't 'need' to feel anything, but I want to know the person I am considering meeting is not just some misogynist grunt, sure.

I would avoid any profile that references most of the things you crave no doubt, I am sure there is room for free choice for us both! "

My comments aren't specifically aimed at you. You see people chatting about wanting to dabble in kink and others advising them in a way that just feeds to this romanticism. I'm not sure I've seen a Ds thread without 'gift' being thrown around. You then have subs setting their expectations so high and getting swept up and they almost neglect the practical side of protecting themselves mentally and physically. To balance it, I inform that I don't feel that way, and neither do a lot of my sub friends. I've had so many private messages of late from female subs that have dabbled, got burnt and wonder what happened.

It's disappointing that some on the forums think that it's all about pain and degradation. That's a very small part of a massive BDSM scene. My profile on here indicates a teeny amount of my play and it's only there to deter the NSA folks really because they understand those terms rather than some of the other play I do.

I actually crave and enjoy lot of primal play, so we are not so different.

If quotes float your boat, awesome.

Have fun exploring

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By *risky_Mare OP   Woman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"

All I'm saying, as an experienced submissive, is if a potential dom needs to flower things up with enticing and motivating quotes about a woman's worth, then I'd avoid for a few reasons.

And it baffles me why a sub needs to feel that in order to put her mind and body through challenging stimulation and pleasure, that she needs to deem it a present to someone else.

It's all so pretentious and I think puts a lot of people off trying BDSM, in particularly Ds.

Oh I think it's a broad enough church to be able to handle a gentle dom or two - I like the quotes, but they are just that - a coupe of quotes, not an indication of a florid over-romantic approach.

And it doesn't matter to me what 'most subs' say anyway, most subs seem to be into pain and degradation and all kinds of shit I would not tolerate, and I'd rather follow a trail less travelled. I don't 'need' to feel anything, but I want to know the person I am considering meeting is not just some misogynist grunt, sure.

I would avoid any profile that references most of the things you crave no doubt, I am sure there is room for free choice for us both!

My comments aren't specifically aimed at you. You see people chatting about wanting to dabble in kink and others advising them in a way that just feeds to this romanticism. I'm not sure I've seen a Ds thread without 'gift' being thrown around. You then have subs setting their expectations so high and getting swept up and they almost neglect the practical side of protecting themselves mentally and physically. To balance it, I inform that I don't feel that way, and neither do a lot of my sub friends. I've had so many private messages of late from female subs that have dabbled, got burnt and wonder what happened.

It's disappointing that some on the forums think that it's all about pain and degradation. That's a very small part of a massive BDSM scene. My profile on here indicates a teeny amount of my play and it's only there to deter the NSA folks really because they understand those terms rather than some of the other play I do.

I actually crave and enjoy lot of primal play, so we are not so different.

If quotes float your boat, awesome.

Have fun exploring "

Thanks for the clarification, I understand where you are coming from more fully now.

Eyes wide open here!!

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