FabSwingers.com forum: Am I a bad Sub? Or have I been Duped?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I had been chatting to a very articulate, charming professional guy for sometime and I was very specific that I wanted a 'Dom' and that I had explored what that entailed. I wrote that I needed discipline (not necessarily pain related, although willing), and that I needed to be taken 'in hand' and that I would be a challenge. He was happy to proceed, he wanted me wholly (meaning unprotected sex) and he wanted me to give myself to him, I agreed but was only prepared to do so if he was open and honest (especially re sexual history) and I wanted trust and I didn't want someone who was promiscuous, he assured me he wasn't (this is the shortcut version, there was a lot of discussion) So, we finally met and I did what he asked.. It was a pretty amazing night, it felt right and I 'Trusted' him completely and I was optimistic that I had found my 'Dom'. However, on hearing about my 'unprotected' incident a friend was concerned and wanted to check him out (unbeknownst to me), so she 'winked' at him, he messaged her back a hello and polite message including face pics!! I was upset as I felt this wasn't 'honest' and against what I had asked for - so I told him! He says he was just saying 'Hello' and wouldn't take it any further! I am cross with my friend, but she's worried about his motives, she thinks he's a 'player' and not what he led me to believe! He had been very distant prior to the 'wink' and after our meet he told me I wasn't allowed to 'touch' myself without permission, so I asked, and was ignored, asked again - nothing, took another 2 days for a "Bloody emails at work" excuse!!! ...this was before my friend 'winked' at him!!!! He claimed he was busy working, but he was on here and on WhatsApp!!! He is now ignoring me completely and won't even read my messages... Am I being a bad 'Sub'? I kinda feel duped.. If I am acting out and being bad, surely he should tell me and tell me he's punishing me by ignoring me? I wanted someone to control me and all its done is make me sad, upset and scared, I'm going to get myself 'checked out' and I have said goodbye to him - not that he's read my messages!!! I'm so upset and confused!!! Is this what being a 'Sub' is about???

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You've been extremely naive.

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

Looks like you have learned the hard way. Why on earth would you have unprotected sex with a stranger?

In your situation I would block and move on. There are plenty of people out there that will give you what you are looking for. Have fun searching for them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't really know much about the whole dom/sub scene. But the guy sounds like an ass. So just sending you some *cuddles* and hope you find a better dom who respects that you have feelings.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Yes I guess, but given his job and position of trust he upholds, I kinda believed him to be true!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like you may have fallen for a player. Move on, possibly via the GUM clinic just in case he wasn't as truthful as you hoped. Of course, we could all be a miserable bunch of cynics and all will be rosie, hope so.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you.. I hate to think of him that way as I did really like him and would never have done that if I didn't believe in him! But yes, you are right - I feel so stupid now!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I was talking to him for nearly 3 mo ths, so he didn't feel like a stranger.. And at the time it felt right, like I was giving myself to him!!

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

It's the sub that's in charge of a sub/Dom relationship. Just block him and bear in mind that some men will tell you anything to get a shag. *gallops away on his white steed*

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Sounds like you may have fallen for a player. Move on, possibly via the GUM clinic just in case he wasn't as truthful as you hoped. Of course, we could all be a miserable bunch of cynics and all will be rosie, hope so. "

Thank you 'HighHeels' ..It's very interesting that you commented as I recognise your profile, he sent me it as I do believe he was once a 'friend' of yours!

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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

I've little knowledge of the Dom sub dynamic.. however the foundation of any relationship is honesty and trust, I'd say put it down to experience and move on a little wiser..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What you have described is not a way I would expect any Dom to act, especially when it is not a long term agreement.

Brightonsteve is right when he says the Sub is actually the one in charge, and can say stop or no at any time.

I'd go with the advice above block and get yourself checked out, don't feel stupid, unfortunately some people (of all genders) are very good at getting what they want.

Next time, talk a lot, I know you have said you did over a period of time, but meet them socially so you can actually see what they are like in person, as words on a page are just that. I think this is oarticualrly important in a sub/dom relationship because of the extra security you need to have, and enhanced levels of trust.

Good luck and hope you find what your looking for in the future

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Get some salt and take what you read with a pinch of it.

You met him online and although it is nice to give people the benefit of the doubt, you do not know this man and have been naive yes. To me it sounds as though he just wants a bit of D/s fun in the bedroom and is not prepared for what it would truly entail.

If this is what you truly want try finding your local munch or fetish event and go along and meet people face to face.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

oh dear - seems you expected it all at once - i think these things have to be worked at and not 'just be' after one meet - at minimum im guessing a fella has got his bareback sex he craved

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thank you 'HighHeels' ..It's very interesting that you commented as I recognise your profile, he sent me it as I do believe he was once a 'friend' of yours!

I've PMd you. I don't think I know anyone in your area.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Something doesn't sit right about the whole thing to me.

There's a big difference between dom and emotional bully. Sounds a little more like the latter to me. Bit then i'm not privvy to all the details.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Get some salt and take what you read with a pinch of it.

Thank you, yes - for me it was a 'lifestyle' choice to be owned, not a 'when we can be bothered' I do suspect he didn't realise what it entails, whereas I read so much around it and knew for me, it was more about the mental connection, the mental stimulation as well as sexual! X

If this is what you truly want try finding your local munch or fetish event and go along and meet people face to face. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The key words here are honesty, trust and transparency, if a Dom asks you for the sex to be unprotected, ask to see a full report of his last sti test, and ask to hold off on the unprotected srx until you are comfortable, if he refuses on any one of those counts, make it clear its share limit, if he still refuses, and tries to tell youheisthe Dom yadda yadda yaddsa, tell him in no uncertain terms to fuck off, there's no room for dishonesty in a dynamic such as you have described

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By *at-cWoman
over a year ago

Ballyshannon

After your first time together your aftercare should should have been better. He has failed you, he is not what he advertises himself as, you should avoid any further contact with him.

Without sounding cynical, don't volunteer too quickly during a conversation you are looking for a Dom, someone in tune will spot it eventually anyway but when you freely give information like this you are giving a manipulator the information they need. I haven't read your profile, I'm not sure if you say it openly.

Make sure you're healthy and mind yourself well x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"After your first time together your aftercare should should have been better. He has failed you, he is not what he advertises himself as, you should avoid any further contact with him.

Make sure you're healthy and mind yourself well x "

Thank you, I have learnt from this and although presently I don't want to put myself through this again, if I do decide too I will definitely be far more cautious- we all have busy lives, jobs etc., but a 10secc message even if it is 'I'm busy' is suffice! He really doesn't understand the lifestyle or what I was wanting - I guess that was my fault!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was talking to a guy last year and he wanted me to be his sub, I didn't know much about it so I researched it and decided that it was something I was keen to do.

I chatted to him for a very long time, in insisted on a telephone call before I met with him and he was duly polite and did so, he said he was American and worked American hours so meeting during the evening would be an issue, I met with him for all of 45 mins at a service station after talking for ages and that's all I needed, I was hooked and over the time I 'knew' him I did everything he asked.

However there were alarm bells ringing for me, there are things he wanted to do with me and When I enquired about what kind of 'equipment he had' he said he didn't have any and I think I caught him off guard, then one evening he sent me a picture of himself as I had been a 'good girl' and on his table planner when I zoomed in I felt sure there was a list of about 3 women, one was my name with dates on but I put it down to me being paranoid.

I finally got the hump with him when he wouldn't commit to seeing me, he would 'make arrangements' I would get all dressed up and then I'll get there and left waiting, no message or anything and like an idiot I would still be infatuated with him.

Then after a while, I decided to end it, not as though there was anything to end, he was constantly on the dating site we met on and other places and was playing even more women. He got back in contact and wanted me to be part of a 'family' and the long and short of that is, th woman that was one of the doms was also duped by him and in the end, we got together and put all the pieces together and it resulted in me having an obscure relationship for a brief period with her partner (the other Dom) with her complete blessing.

But in that time we didn't talk (the American) I decided to do something silly to prove I was a good sub, I met a man, miles from my home, he wanted to be my master but all he did was abuse me the one time I saw him, he hit me with his belt and not in a 'dom' way and made me bleed and stuff, he wasn't a Dom he was just a bully.

Please stay safe, don't do anything silly to try and prove you are a good sub. Sometimes being a sub isn't what you think it is and personally speaking I think being a sub would come naturally to people and not something that someone mentions and thinks 'yeah I'll do that' but that's just my own thoughts.

If you want a chat pm me xx

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire

"You've been extremely naive."

You're not being a bad sub. And no, this isn't what being a sub is about. You're not a doormat or to be used or treated like crap. Make your voice heard about whatever is important to you and work out your hard limits.

I have a list of expectations to give a Dom. It's a two way thing. If they don't meet my expectations then I'm out of there. Protecting my sexual health is very high up that list.

I've had a lot of experience of talking to potential Doms and they do seem to say upfront that they expect unprotected sex. I laugh and say not a chance. I say it's a hard limit and that's that.

The whole thing about your friend checking up (even if it was concern) is a bit uncomfortable.

If you are concerned already about him being online but ignoring you for days, then I'd just walk away.

It sounds like the man doesn't class himself as a dom or has no experience of being a dom but has tried to fit in to what you've asked of him. You've told him to control you, so he's done classic orgasm control and then instructed you about bareback. Maybe if he's trying to fit into a role he knows nothing about, then he could be being aloof purposely.

If he's genuine, you need to be having this forum conversation with him. I find it best at the start, even straight after a session, to talk about what worked and what didn't. He needs to know you're feeling like you are and make it right.

Although you can find decent Doms on this site, even if they aren't experienced, you need to remember there are lots of different types of Dom and it might be easier for you to find one on a fetish site.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I was talking to a guy last year and he wanted me to be his sub, I didn't know much about it so I researched it and decided that it was something I was keen to do.

If you want a chat pm me xx"

Thank you for that, for me I was attracted to his intellect, his charm and the things he would say too me.. We were both more into the connection of minds, but, it's not a 'on and off' thing, it has to be all or nothing and being busy and being obtuse isn't good enough, he just had to tell me - ignoring someone just makes them feel worthless! I don't think he understood that and maybe I wasn't clear enough! ...I am very hurt! x

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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago

yumsville

Anybody can be anybody on the internet. Whilst other events may have occurred after, on meeting it sounds like he was your fantasy but maybe you weren't his. The reality is we only know one side here and taking 3 months to meet someone over the internet is a very long time. You are not going to meet the love of your life (or the Dom of your life) on a sex site or on a first meet.

It sounds like you slept with him as a first meet instead of sitting down, chatting and coming back to things. You could have cut out the 3 months of mails (and probably flirts), and just met him straight away; interviewed him about his experience, needs and wants.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hi Jasmine75! Really sorry to hear about your disappointing introduction to the D/s side of things. You always hear the words safe, sane and consensual bandied about with regards to this kind of relationship, but also (and perhaps even more importantly) are trust and communication!! Communication is absolutely key. Ignoring you after meeting/a scene is NOT an acceptable punishment....EVER!!! Especially after a first experience. A true/natural/knowledgeable Dom would have provided aftercare, even if this was purely checking in with you a few times to check how you feel, if you're ok etc. The only way you would "need dicipline" in the circumstances described above is if he expressly asked you not to contact him....even then a genuine Dom would not mind you sending a simple message saying you were feeling wobbly/wanted to talk. Furthermore, if punnishment/correction is/was required, he should always tell you first that this is what he's doing, why he's doing it and how he feels it will benefit your dynamic to administer it. Ignoring you without warning doesn't teach you ANYTHING, it just makes you feel insecure and confused...which is a horrible thing to do to you and will never improve/change anything about the relationship for the better.

In summary, this guy doesn't sound like a Dom, (at least not a Dom you want/need /deserve) he just sounds like a dick who got his own way and now can't be bothered. This DOES NOT make you a bad submissive at all, just human and confused/upset. Please block this guy, else you'll likely find he try again when he's next horny and I'd hate for this to happen to you twice. My personal advice would be to make sure you have a few social meets first, (no Dom should mind this) try your local munches/fetish events, perhaps ask for a reference from a previous sub of his and always discuss fully your wants and needs (and limits) prior to any play.

I hope you feel better soon Jasmine, and also hope you find the Dom you're looking for! Happy to chat with you on pm anytime too hun.

R (fem) xx

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

may i ask the op a question was the gentleman concerned with this from the north west of england ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you are looking for a Dom I think there are far better sites which would be better for you to look into, you may already be on them but if you are interested pm me.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Anybody can be anybody on the internet. Whilst other events may have occurred after, on meeting it sounds like he was your fantasy but maybe you weren't his. The reality is we only know one side here and taking 3 months to meet someone over the internet is a very long time. You are not going to meet the love of your life (or the Dom of your life) on a sex site or on a first meet.

I was in a pretty gruelling musical show (on skates) so said from the off that I couldn't meet until afterwards as my schedule was crazy - it wasn't me being coy! I really didn't expect him to wait, but we clicked via chats and phone calls and the night we had together was pretty awesome, he didn't feel like a stranger and we both expected IT to be a ongoing thing, I just don't think he understood the 'Dom/Sub' role what I wanted, you're right, we were probably after different things, but it was a very shit way to express it - especially wjen we're meant to be honest with each other! I have since learnt that he is actually a player an am now really even more stupid!!! A Hard Day!

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Learning/experience does not equate to stupid. There is some good advice (especially from the ladies), do not let others "stupidity" effect who you are, I've never met a weak sub yet.

Be good...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You told him your needs, ignoring you is not punishing you, it's just rude. If he made out to you, he was your Dom and you agreed that you were exclusively D/s to each other, then he doesn't seem to be meeting your needs. It's difficult to comment fully as not party to all the chat you had. But he needs to participate in it as much as you for it to work. If he's just dabbling and dipping in and out when he feels like it, I don't think that will meet what you seem to be seeking. It can take a while to find the right fit but when you do it'll be worth it. Subs generally, are the strong one, so don't doubt yourself. Happy to chat anytime if you want some advice or just to chat generally.

Sarah X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I was talking to a guy last year and he wanted me to be his sub, I didn't know much about it so I researched it and decided that it was something I was keen to do.

If you want a chat pm me xx

I know how you felt, this guy wouldn't speak to me for days on end and I felt 'worthless' he really knocked my confidence but when I told my friend the things he wanted to do and the videos he sent me, things became better because he was clearly just a control freak who got off on this kind of behaviour. You will bounce back from this xx

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

You've been had by the sounds of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes I guess, but given his job and position of trust he upholds, I kinda believed him to be true!!!

Hey Jasmine, it does sound like you've been niave on this one. A person's job or position is very rarely any indication of what they are like relationally. Some of the best manipulators gone high positions and generally speaking women more so than men regard this as a safer bet.

You always have to get to know someone in person and aim to understand them. As a guy who's got a background in cooperate sales, I have a dangerous tongue online or on the phone but the dynamics in person are difficult - it's harder to not be sincere.

I have to intentionally becareful with my words, as a guy pursues what he wants, it's a temptation to make sure you don't lose your character in the process. However for some men this isn't a concern as long as they get what they want.

Sorry to hear your story that sucks. Definitely learn from this experience though! Take all the lessons you can and move on stronger and wiser!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You need to research the true meaning of a sub/dom relationship.

I hope you are okay and tests all clear for you.

You are a human being and deserve respect at all times.

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

hi sweet.

just wanted to offer moral support x

great advice from above posters.. i will add that an online D/s isnt the same as a real life relationship, no matter what they say and do. i have no idea what your arrangements/ protocol or contract/ agreements were..but aftercare was not delivered and you are in crash mode..something i have also experienced and its not pleasant..

a few things to help yourself get through it though.

acknowledge you becoming a sub is a learning curve, however sub you are you are always learning and that isnt stupidity. its a pathway on which you find out about who you are , what you need and how you are going to get there.

so, from this experience draw up a list of your new hard limits, based on your experiences and mark down what is important to you right this minute and what you would accept next...this changes rapidly as you interact with more people and have more experiences, both good and bad...this can be included in any letter of agreement with someone new and you should be able to tick off your needs by the agreements you discuss.

educate yourself as much as you can. read, ask questions and mix in the scene socially...everyone is there to help you to learn about yourself, just dont let too many wannabes damage you you know you are in essence. hone in on that pathway..the one in your heart, trust yourself, be gentle with you and take baby steps forward... hugs and much love x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am so sorry to hear this, it sounds very much to me like this man has taken advantage of your good nature and nativity on this subject

A relationship between a Dom and sub is a very complex thing, most won't take it to a sexual level for quite some time, boundaries need to be firmly established, trust built and a relationship grown.

But everyone works differently, I suggest if you want this kind of relationship you spend more time with the person before any kind of sexual interaction especially unprotected occurs! Oh and please make sure you get tested who knows how many others he has done this with.

I could be wrong but it just comes across that way to me, have been in similar situations (not unprotected sex but other things), if you ever wanna chat feel free to drop me a pm

P x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"may i ask the op a question was the gentleman concerned with this from the north west of england ?"

No he wasn't! x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"hi sweet.

just wanted to offer moral support x

a few things to help yourself get through it though.

Thank you for this.. I guess I knew what I wanted, I had done as much research as I could - I'm not so sure he understands the culture the same way I do - maybe we have different perspectives and he had certainly adapted his militant everyday stance with me - and that wasn't conducive, it just doesn't work - communication and trust is everything!!!! It's a lesson learned and I will take your advice - again thank you!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ditch him, he's a 'player'.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

You need to research the true meaning of a sub/dom relationship.

I hope you are okay and tests all clear for you.

You are a human being and deserve respect at all times."

I think I had read up and expected that... But he hadn't!!! There in lies the problem!! My stupidity I guess for expecting/assuming he knew! x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yes I guess, but given his job and position of trust he upholds, I kinda believed him to be true!!!

Sorry to hear your story that sucks. Definitely learn from this experience though! Take all the lessons you can and move on stronger and wiser!!

Thank you - it's intetesting to hear from a guys perspective x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think the guy is a complete ass. The OP clearly states on her profile what she is looking for, and this man made a connection knowing this too. He shouldn't have been entertaining the notion of others if he'd agreed to be exclusive with the OP.

Unfortunately to me it seems as though he got what he went from the lovely gorgeous OP and then went off in search of a new conquest.

He's a fool for ditching the OP though, as simply put, you look stunning

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thank you for all your advice and comments, you have been very accommodating to a silly little novice like me.. Yes I have been incredibly stupid, yes naive, I guess I've been off the scene for such a long time I am far too trusting!! Sadly, I have been informed on good authority that despite being a really nice guy - he is a player, and somewhat of a trophy collector, he has done this a lot - I am such a bad judge of character, thank goodness for my caring friend who had every right to be concerned (I'm so ashamed that I was cross with her) - you're friends know you well - she knew it wasn't like me to have had unprotected sex and she was concerned - thank you C! I'm not so bothered that he wants to meet other women and fuck them, that was never a concern, I'd have been happy to have been involved - after all I'm not his wife and I am looking for new sexual experiences, he knew that, I just said I didn't want promiscuity that I wasn't unaware of and I wanted to be safe, so I am bothered by the lies that I was told and the false reassurances which led to us 'having unprotected sex', I guess I was vulnerable and weak and wanting to believe in him - he manipulated that!!! So many of you have told me that aftercare is paramount, that silence should never be used as a punishment and I agree, he has failed me in so many ways and has no understanding of the Dom/Sub culture that I sought.. That said, I cannot be angry with him, he made me feel incredible that night we spent together, I have great memories and I really liked him - I think actually he was the weak one because he's lost someone who was very committed and I know I really would have served him exceptionally well and given him all he needed and more!!! He has given me a valuable lesson in 'how not to do this', I will never be so trusting again and will ensure that any future potential 'Dom' knows exactly what that means - both in and out of the bedroom and that clear ground rules are established!!! I am miffed that out of all the messages I received I chose him to get involved with, I'm such a idiot!!! And, if I have any 'positive' results from my check up - he will see how much he underestimated my weakness and I WILL unleash my 'Inner Bitch' and all her fury!!!

...I will not give up my quest for sexual fulfilment but I walk with much more caution and will be asking for more help and advice on a regular basis from you guys - thank you all - Jas xxxx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think the guy is a complete ass. The OP clearly states on her profile what she is looking for, and this man made a connection knowing this too. He shouldn't have been entertaining the notion of others if he'd agreed to be exclusive with the OP.

Unfortunately to me it seems as though he got what he went from the lovely gorgeous OP and then went off in search of a new conquest.

He's a fool for ditching the OP though, as simply put, you look stunning

Thank you.. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Our of curiosity did your husbands permision include you going Bareback with what is lets face it a total stranger?

Cause thats his health at risk there too.

You got played like a cheap fiddle be more sensible in future stop aggreing to put yourself in stupid positions before you even know a person.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 16/06/16 13:45:27]

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Our of curiosity did your husbands permision include you going Bareback with what is lets face it a total stranger?

Cause thats his health at risk there too.

You got played like a cheap fiddle be more sensible in future stop aggreing to put yourself in stupid positions before you even know a person.

Yes he knew everything and allowed it because he wanted me to be happy and explore desires in a world that he doesn't want to participate in ..That's what upsets me the most, I feel I've let him down too!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Our of curiosity did your husbands permision include you going Bareback with what is lets face it a total stranger?

Cause thats his health at risk there too.

You got played like a cheap fiddle be more sensible in future stop aggreing to put yourself in stupid positions before you even know a person.

OP you're and adult as is you husband and the other party. You havent let yourself or anyone else down. Yes you have perhaps been naive or too trusting but this is very new for you and it takes time.

There are alot of men who claim to be Doms and whilst they maybe dominant in character its not the same thing.

Finding a friend that you can submit to in a respectul and mutually enjoyable way takes time, trust and honest dialog.

I hope you find a special friend.

Knitter.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Really hope all the positive, genuine replies to your OP put a smile back on your face. Lesson learned and move on x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't know anything really about Dom/sub relationships but I just wanted to add, don't believe anything that happens online. Only count face to face meetings as the start of anything. And I've met a lot of guys online, for the last 20 years on and off.

Chat as much as you like online but never ever assume you know anything about someone until you meet them. Reset your clock to zero from the point of a face to face meeting. What happens online doesn't count.

You don't get body language, you don't really know what's going on online, you need a lot of face to face with anyone before you can start to build up trust.

Every guy I've ever met (and some I've chatted to loads before meeting) have always been slightly different in reality. And it's that aspect you have to suss out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I had been chatting to a very articulate, charming professional guy for sometime and I was very specific that I wanted a 'Dom' and that I had explored what that entailed. I wrote that I needed discipline (not necessarily pain related, although willing), and that I needed to be taken 'in hand' and that I would be a challenge. He was happy to proceed, he wanted me wholly (meaning unprotected sex) and he wanted me to give myself to him, I agreed but was only prepared to do so if he was open and honest (especially re sexual history) and I wanted trust and I didn't want someone who was promiscuous, he assured me he wasn't (this is the shortcut version, there was a lot of discussion) So, we finally met and I did what he asked.. It was a pretty amazing night, it felt right and I 'Trusted' him completely and I was optimistic that I had found my 'Dom'. However, on hearing about my 'unprotected' incident a friend was concerned and wanted to check him out (unbeknownst to me), so she 'winked' at him, he messaged her back a hello and polite message including face pics!! I was upset as I felt this wasn't 'honest' and against what I had asked for - so I told him! He says he was just saying 'Hello' and wouldn't take it any further! I am cross with my friend, but she's worried about his motives, she thinks he's a 'player' and not what he led me to believe! He had been very distant prior to the 'wink' and after our meet he told me I wasn't allowed to 'touch' myself without permission, so I asked, and was ignored, asked again - nothing, took another 2 days for a "Bloody emails at work" excuse!!! ...this was before my friend 'winked' at him!!!! He claimed he was busy working, but he was on here and on WhatsApp!!! He is now ignoring me completely and won't even read my messages... Am I being a bad 'Sub'? I kinda feel duped.. If I am acting out and being bad, surely he should tell me and tell me he's punishing me by ignoring me? I wanted someone to control me and all its done is make me sad, upset and scared, I'm going to get myself 'checked out' and I have said goodbye to him - not that he's read my messages!!! I'm so upset and confused!!! Is this what being a 'Sub' is about???

no your not a bad sub its that he was not a dom he was and is a user that's all you have to put it down to experience

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By *asokittyWoman
over a year ago

Nr Worksop

That is so not what being a sub is about. This man is not a dom. He's an arsehole!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"That is so not what being a sub is about. This man is not a dom. He's an arsehole! "

an arsehole has its uses I don't this bloke has a single uses

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By *asokittyWoman
over a year ago

Nr Worksop

Also to add I've noticed a few people have mentioned other sites. You are just as likely to be duped there as you are here. There are a LOT of sleezeballs on there who will sniff around you. Go in with your eyes wide open and get what you want. Don't compromise initially. A'good' dom will allow you to go at your pace and not pressure you into anything. And certainly will not ignore you!

Good luck

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By *asokittyWoman
over a year ago

Nr Worksop

"That is so not what being a sub is about. This man is not a dom. He's an arsehole!

an arsehole has its uses I don't this bloke has a single uses"

There is that!

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By *ilacWoman
over a year ago

Cheshire

"Also to add I've noticed a few people have mentioned other sites. You are just as likely to be duped there as you are here. There are a LOT of sleezeballs on there who will sniff around you. Go in with your eyes wide open and get what you want. Don't compromise initially. A'good' dom will allow you to go at your pace and not pressure you into anything. And certainly will not ignore you!

Good luck "

Good point. The fet sites are just like this site and you have to root through and find the genuine folk.

It's always good to talk to other experienced female submissives on these sites and ask for points in the right direction. They will probably know who has a good reputation in your area and who doesn't.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Really hope all the positive, genuine replies to your OP put a smile back on your face. Lesson learned and move on x"

Yes most definitely.. Thank you all x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like you have been duped. My advice like others is to get down to the local GUM then move on. He sounds more of a bully than a Dom. I'm sure you are worth more.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Amazing the lengths a man will go to for bareback sex!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Sounds like you have been duped. My advice like others is to get down to the local GUM then move on. He sounds more of a bully than a Dom. I'm sure you are worth more."

Appointment already made and email sent to him - all over!!! I would have liked him to at least told me his perspective of events, I may have stayed if he had been reasonable and open to discussion!!! But hey ho.. His lost, he won't ever find anyone else so devoted and I'm not sure I could be again - not like that!!! x

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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

"Yes I guess, but given his job and position of trust he upholds, I kinda believed him to be true!!!

Are you sure that what he claims about his job is true?

Sounds like he doesn't understand the dom/sub dynamic.

Kick his fucking arse into touch.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Amazing the lengths a man will go to for bareback sex!

Let's hope he doesn't di that too often because if he's given me and infections he will deeply regret it, I may appear a bit weak but if he has jeopardised my health - heaven help him....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sounds like you have been duped. My advice like others is to get down to the local GUM then move on. He sounds more of a bully than a Dom. I'm sure you are worth more.

you will find someone that you can be devoted to and have him be devoted to you it just takes time and a lot of luck

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Yes I guess, but given his job and position of trust he upholds, I kinda believed him to be true!!!

Are you sure that what he claims about his job is true?

Sounds like he doesn't understand the dom/sub dynamic.

Kick his fucking arse into touch."

I'm begining to doubt all he told me... Although he claimed to be very important - he's still behaved like a complete arse!! That's not very professional at all!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Sounds like you have been duped. My advice like others is to get down to the local GUM then move on. He sounds more of a bully than a Dom. I'm sure you are worth more.

you will find someone that you can be devoted to and have him be devoted to you it just takes time and a lot of luck "

I'm not sure I want to go through this again.. I feel so stupid right now, especially given what I have since been told!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He's conned you, pure and simple. This is not how a proper Dom behaves, just a wannabee. Please get checked out and then research how to be a sub and how to spot a Dom and how to spot a fake. This is not the site to find a D/s relationship on. Try other sites that cater specifically for this relationship and get someone to take you under their wing and explain things to you and explain where you went wrong.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Big hugs to you OP.

One of the main things with a D/S relationship between two adults is trust.

Sorry this happened to you x

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By *arksidesubCouple
over a year ago

not far from you..

"The key words here are honesty, trust and transparency, if a Dom asks you for the sex to be unprotected, ask to see a full report of his last sti test, and ask to hold off on the unprotected srx until you are comfortable, if he refuses on any one of those counts, make it clear its share limit, if he still refuses, and tries to tell youheisthe Dom yadda yadda yaddsa, tell him in no uncertain terms to fuck off, there's no room for dishonesty in a dynamic such as you have described"

I absolutely agree with your comment!

As a True Dom he should have the upper most respect for his submissive from the start.

Run a Mile hun,he's a fake.

It can take years to develop & Master the art of a True Master/Dom.I'm lucky I have mine.In the beginning I was Nieve admittedly, but my Dom taught me well and iam blessed.As he is also.

I wish you luck in your search.

Bambi x

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By *ottie_84Woman
over a year ago

Nottingham

Huge hugs lovely you do get a lot of wannabe doms I'm afraid

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A bdsm relationship should be based on mutual respect, equality and honesty.

The reality of "dom" and "sub" is generally an illusion to engender and indulge erotic fantasies... in effect the sub gives "control" to the dom and can take it back at any time (through the use of a safe word); this is empowering for the sub and thus the illusion is maintained for the enjoyment of both, whilst the dom is in "control" they can test the boundaries of the sub; within agreed limits (hard and soft boundaries).

To me, what you have described 8s not a sub/dom relationship as you haven't agreed the boundaries of the "rules of engagement" (some use "collaring" to indicate "play" has started. When the collar comes off; the scenario is ended (this may need a period of "togetherness" to reassure the sub and stop them "crashing")

It sounds like you are crashing; a good dom wouldn't let that happen...

Just my thoughts

Paul x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A bdsm relationship should be based on mutual respect, equality and honesty.

It sounds like you are crashing; a good dom wouldn't let that happen...

Just my thoughts

Paul x"

Thank you for your thoughts, I agree and I can definitely relate to the 'crashing' analysis! I am usually such a strong person, I fear, maybe going through such a tough gruelling few months being in a very hard intense musical show, having serious situation at work occur and other general day-to-day commitments, he was there for me as an escapism and fantasy and maybe I became a bit too reliant and the reality was far removed - I believe my exhaustion both physically and emotional left me a bit vulnerable and thus I me made very unwise decisions, that was my friends concerns too - luckily I have people in my life who look out for me, maybe a little too late in this scenario but in future I will consult people with more experience if I'm unsure of anything!!! Thank you x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like you've been had. I'm sorry this happened to you xx

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

If the people at the National Lottery said........ Granny do you promise not to spend much of it ...... I'd say yes I promise.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Big hugs to you OP.

One of the main things with a D/S relationship between two adults is trust.

Sorry this happened to you x "

Thank you x

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Put your energies into rebuilding your strength and do not put yourself down in any way.

If you can see that this was not right for you then cease all contacts and block him.

When you're stronger see what you can learn from this, so that you can move on. Beware of returning, as there's something unfinished - it's just that you need to learn and decide some rules for future.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A bdsm relationship should be based on mutual respect, equality and honesty.

It sounds like you are crashing; a good dom wouldn't let that happen...

Just my thoughts

Paul x

It's like any relationship. Trust is built over time. Enjoy the person you are with, without committing first. Asking for exclusivity on a first meeting would ring alarm bells for me....

Good luck and I hope you can soon make light of this experience. Paul x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A bdsm relationship should be based on mutual respect, equality and honesty.

It sounds like you are crashing; a good dom wouldn't let that happen...

Just my thoughts

Paul x

It's like any relationship. Trust is built over time. Enjoy the person you are with, without committing first. Asking for exclusivity on a first meeting would ring alarm bells for me....

Good luck and I hope you can soon make light of this experience. Paul x"

I'm sure I'll be okay.. I'm not heart broken, I'm just feeling very foolish and Yep - 'Duped'!!! I'll get over it, was just such a waste of my time and I am kind of annoyed that I won't get to do all those deliciously naughty things we had planned! I won't give up my quest completely, will just rethink the approach

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Put your energies into rebuilding your strength and do not put yourself down in any way.

If you can see that this was not right for you then cease all contacts and block him.

I will try... Thank you x

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Good hunting ... remember that you have the ultimate power .. giving yourself totally to one guy requires trust ... truthfulness and respect on both sides ... if he doesn't fulfil his side of the bargain .. dump and move on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes you have been duped, conbed and taken for a ride.... but you aren't alone as this happens alot. Any "Dom" worth there salt would know they have to earn your trust and can't expect to just take it. Taking you to bed is not earning your trust, learning who you are is... good luck to you... us x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A bdsm relationship should be based on mutual respect, equality and honesty.

It sounds like you are crashing; a good dom wouldn't let that happen...

Just my thoughts

Paul x

It's like any relationship. Trust is built over time. Enjoy the person you are with, without committing first. Asking for exclusivity on a first meeting would ring alarm bells for me....

Good luck and I hope you can soon make light of this experience. Paul x"

Just been reading about the 'Sub Crash/Sub Drop' and Wow, explains a lot! The build up, the endorphins used during a session, whether physically or mentally intense, if the 'sub' doesn't not receive positive reinforcement and good aftercare they can experience a 'Sub Drop'.. As I said earlier I was already exhausted physically and mentally so this on top would have been enough to cause an huge hormonal drop and the added 'distant behaviour and being ignored' from the 'Dom' has resulted in exactly how I feel.. Knowing this actually helps - and will assist me in any future sessions, thank you, I didn't even know it existed... x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Our of curiosity did your husbands permision include you going Bareback with what is lets face it a total stranger?

Cause thats his health at risk there too.

You got played like a cheap fiddle be more sensible in future stop aggreing to put yourself in stupid positions before you even know a person.

Well makes sure he gets tested too now.

This fuy will ahve been doing thid with numerous people most likley

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Amazing the lengths a man will go to for bareback sex!

Doesnt sound like he went to any great lengths.

Just said it was the only way he'd play and she agreed.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Amazing the lengths a man will go to for bareback sex!

Doesnt sound like he went to any great lengths.

Just said it was the only way he'd play and she agreed."

You make it sound very flippant! We were talking for 3 months before we met, I don't think we missed a day without a lengthy chat!! Yes, I did agree and yes I do feel very foolish, but it was only after what I felt was a firm friendship had been formed, and as naive and stupid as that sounds, I actually trusted him and we both (or so I thought) revealed a lot to each other in those chats over the months!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Amazing the lengths a man will go to for bareback sex!

Doesnt sound like he went to any great lengths.

Just said it was the only way he'd play and she agreed."

Yeah I was gonna say 3 months is quite a length.

A lot of people can't return more than a couple of messages before they get bored/distracted/their partner finds out. Some - not even that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Amazing the lengths a man will go to for bareback sex!

Doesnt sound like he went to any great lengths.

Just said it was the only way he'd play and she agreed.

Yeah I was gonna say 3 months is quite a length.

A lot of people can't return more than a couple of messages before they get bored/distracted/their partner finds out. Some - not even that.

There's a few people I've met who've taken well over a year to pin me down to a meet lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hate to say this OP but no true Dom would treet/use you this way sounds like you have new shades of gray dom there block and move on do not be so eager for a Dom try a few munches in your area and see what happens

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My partner commented earlier. So this is just a small addition.

Sarah and I spoke for a year on and off before we physically met!

We have now been together for a little over a year !

These things do work. And OP don't worry. Put it down to experience and move on....

Best wishes Mr...

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