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What to do?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Sorry if this post drags on a bit and it isn't swinging related but need to know if anyone been through the same and what you did.

My situation is this I have three kids who live with my ex and I have contact every two weeks and 5 weeks holiday throughout year. My eldest two no longer come and stay and would rather smoke and hang round on the streets being little g's which I do not agree with and have had several arguments with them about this hence them not staying plus lies my ex has told them about me and also my middle one threatening to knife me they are 15 and 14 and I know teenagers are pains but I cannot stand the fact they have no respect. My youngest is 12 and has stated he wants to live with me and today I was on way to court to start proceedings to have him live with me (he has hinted at this for months when he messaged to say he was staying with his mom "to see how it goes". To be honest I am gutted and I am at a stage do I go ahead and proceed or just walk away the stress of it all is seriously affecting my health and I do not know what to do for the best has anyone been in this situation?

Sorry for such a long post

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

kids are tough work - not sure what to say as i dotn know what your relationship with your ex is like - could it be possible she slags you off to the kids ?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Yes she does but I'm not one to bad mouth her I know teenagers are not the easiest but her parenting skills leave a lot to be desired and I just feel my relationship with my kids is being lost up until 12 months ago we were getting along fine

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

in that case you just need them to decide themselves as they grow up - my kids did and saw through their dad and one of them has nothing to do with him at all - and i never slagged him off then - i do now but kid are 22 and 25 so minds are made up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

also was there any change of home circumstances 12 months ago ?

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By *ackett1962Man
over a year ago

harrow

I went through a messy divorce a few years back. I moved out of the house but kept contact with the kids. They did stop seeing me for a while (their choice ). But I kept the door open and wrote to them all the time. Eventually they came back to me and we are all good. Kids go through a lot and they will push their boundaries. Just don't give up on them and they will be back.

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

Kids are junior anarchists.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

She started allowing two friends to stay who in my opinion were a bad influence and got my kids onto smoking and she allowed my then 14 yr old to have his girlfriend stay over and allowed them to sleep in same bed that's when my eldest stopped coming which he has since admitted was the reason he stopped coming

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman
over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!

Teenagers can be a pain I know I have two,is there no way you can sit down with your eldest two and tell them how important it is that you still get to spend time with them,in fact insist on that. Yes of course spend time with their friend's,but it's still important to have family time together even if it's just a couple of hour's going out for a walk.

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By *GHertsCouple
over a year ago

North Herts

A tough one indeed, and one to which I am not sure there will ever be a right answer. Is difficult to comment without knowing details and all sides of the story too - not that I doubt your concerns or your perspective at all I hasten to add.

Was, and to an extent still am, in a similar situation with my eldest two who lived with my ex after we split 17 years ago. The difference being they moved over 100 miles away, so there were added complications around contact etc because of the distance (not that it stopped me trying to see them whenever possible) - the problem being having any kind of influence on them from that distance, and to a greater or lesser extent my "holding back" when it came to disciplining them for fear of the consequences.

I'll not go into greater detail about my case as it probably has no relevance, all I will say is you have to do what YOU think is right by your kids and continue to show them you love them and care about them, whilst trying to instill your values into them as much as you can - and not hold back for fear of repercussions (from either them or your ex). That was probably the biggest mistake I made, not necessarily doing what I thought was right, but to an extent doing what I thought would keep the kids onside, and I'm reaping what I've sown currently as a result of that.

My advice would be to talk to your kids and try and find out what they truly want without pressuring them, or slating your ex, and then make your decisions about how to act from there. One option as a first step with your youngest (if practical) could be shared care, where they stay with you for 3 nights one week, and four nights the next etc.

As I said there are no easy answers in this situation, and you have to keep in mind outting your kids welfare first.

However it pans out good luck with it.

Mr G

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"A tough one indeed, and one to which I am not sure there will ever be a right answer. Is difficult to comment without knowing details and all sides of the story too - not that I doubt your concerns or your perspective at all I hasten to add.

Was, and to an extent still am, in a similar situation with my eldest two who lived with my ex after we split 17 years ago. The difference being they moved over 100 miles away, so there were added complications around contact etc because of the distance (not that it stopped me trying to see them whenever possible) - the problem being having any kind of influence on them from that distance, and to a greater or lesser extent my "holding back" when it came to disciplining them for fear of the consequences.

I'll not go into greater detail about my case as it probably has no relevance, all I will say is you have to do what YOU think is right by your kids and continue to show them you love them and care about them, whilst trying to instill your values into them as much as you can - and not hold back for fear of repercussions (from either them or your ex). That was probably the biggest mistake I made, not necessarily doing what I thought was right, but to an extent doing what I thought would keep the kids onside, and I'm reaping what I've sown currently as a result of that.

My advice would be to talk to your kids and try and find out what they truly want without pressuring them, or slating your ex, and then make your decisions about how to act from there. One option as a first step with your youngest (if practical) could be shared care, where they stay with you for 3 nights one week, and four nights the next etc.

As I said there are no easy answers in this situation, and you have to keep in mind outting your kids welfare first.

However it pans out good luck with it.

Mr G"

Thanks much appreciate your comments and hope things pan out for u too

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I went through a messy divorce a few years back. I moved out of the house but kept contact with the kids. They did stop seeing me for a while (their choice ). But I kept the door open and wrote to them all the time. Eventually they came back to me and we are all good. Kids go through a lot and they will push their boundaries. Just don't give up on them and they will be back. "

So there is light at end of the tunnel thankyou good to know

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm lucky my split was very amicable

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tough love it may be harsh but you need to stand up to them and be a dad they need to learn bounderies if they are not getting it from the mother then they need it to come from you x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I went through a messy divorce a few years back. I moved out of the house but kept contact with the kids. They did stop seeing me for a while (their choice ). But I kept the door open and wrote to them all the time. Eventually they came back to me and we are all good. Kids go through a lot and they will push their boundaries. Just don't give up on them and they will be back.

So there is light at end of the tunnel thankyou good to know"

definately - both my kids want me to give them away - one boy and one girl -

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By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

My main concern is that your ex is allowing your 14 yr old & his gf to share a bed!!!

I know you're in a really difficult situation but I just wanted to say I went to live with my dad when I was 12/13 as my stepdad was posted abroad & I didn't want to go. It was the best thing for me. My dad never bad mouthed my mum & still won't now even though she said horrible things about him.

I have to try really hard to retain a decent parental relationship with the ex - I'm far from perfect though but we unite for the kids when needed especially with discipline. I know in that respect I am very lucky.

Are you able to talk to your ex at all? Maybe a round table meeting could help? Is there a Court Order in place for the contact or was it agreed between you?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I went through a messy divorce a few years back. I moved out of the house but kept contact with the kids. They did stop seeing me for a while (their choice ). But I kept the door open and wrote to them all the time. Eventually they came back to me and we are all good. Kids go through a lot and they will push their boundaries. Just don't give up on them and they will be back.

So there is light at end of the tunnel thankyou good to know

definately - both my kids want me to give them away - one boy and one girl - "

I will remain positive and thanks all for the support just feeling really shitty at moment but tomorrow's another day and glad it's worked out for you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you tried Family Mediation rather than using the courts?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Yes she refuses to go

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By *GHertsCouple
over a year ago

North Herts

All you can do is remain positive and keep doing what you think is right. I may have painted a fairly bleak picture above, but in my case my eldest came around just after their 18th birthday, and we've a better relationship than ever now - it's far from perfect, and has suffered as a result of some of the mistakes I've made along the way (to say nothing of the influence my ex has had on them) - but there is light at the end of the tunnel and part of that has been down to as he's got older he's started to see I'm not the ogre I have at times been made out to be.

My other child by my ex still doesn't want to know me and there's not much more I can do about that, that's not been done already but my door is always open in the hope she walks back through it one day.

Either way, chin up, tomorrow IS just another day and who knows what it will bring - I hope whatever it is it's good for you OP.

Mr G

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By *ackett1962Man
over a year ago

harrow


"I went through a messy divorce a few years back. I moved out of the house but kept contact with the kids. They did stop seeing me for a while (their choice ). But I kept the door open and wrote to them all the time. Eventually they came back to me and we are all good. Kids go through a lot and they will push their boundaries. Just don't give up on them and they will be back.

So there is light at end of the tunnel thankyou good to know"
Yes mate there is light. My 20 year old is at uni and had 2 x firsts and 2 x 2.1s. We are closer now than ever and have a ball of a time.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"My main concern is that your ex is allowing your 14 yr old & his gf to share a bed!!!

I know you're in a really difficult situation but I just wanted to say I went to live with my dad when I was 12/13 as my stepdad was posted abroad & I didn't want to go. It was the best thing for me. My dad never bad mouthed my mum & still won't now even though she said horrible things about him.

I have to try really hard to retain a decent parental relationship with the ex - I'm far from perfect though but we unite for the kids when needed especially with discipline. I know in that respect I am very lucky.

Are you able to talk to your ex at all? Maybe a round table meeting could help? Is there a Court Order in place for the contact or was it agreed between you? "

I contacted social services regrading it and they were a joke I think one of the main problems is I have rules and disciplines whereas she has none and she will not sit and talk at all tried family mediation and even the school to mediate a meeting she refuses it all like I say I don't want to slag her off and never do in front of the kids but to her the kids are pawns in a chess game and unfortunately no kids no csa for her so she villifies me but although I feel shit today I will bounce back and do as many have said be the best influence I can be and keep lines of communication open

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By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials


"My main concern is that your ex is allowing your 14 yr old & his gf to share a bed!!!

I know you're in a really difficult situation but I just wanted to say I went to live with my dad when I was 12/13 as my stepdad was posted abroad & I didn't want to go. It was the best thing for me. My dad never bad mouthed my mum & still won't now even though she said horrible things about him.

I have to try really hard to retain a decent parental relationship with the ex - I'm far from perfect though but we unite for the kids when needed especially with discipline. I know in that respect I am very lucky.

Are you able to talk to your ex at all? Maybe a round table meeting could help? Is there a Court Order in place for the contact or was it agreed between you?

I contacted social services regrading it and they were a joke I think one of the main problems is I have rules and disciplines whereas she has none and she will not sit and talk at all tried family mediation and even the school to mediate a meeting she refuses it all like I say I don't want to slag her off and never do in front of the kids but to her the kids are pawns in a chess game and unfortunately no kids no csa for her so she villifies me but although I feel shit today I will bounce back and do as many have said be the best influence I can be and keep lines of communication open"

I really hope you can sort something out x I'm a big believer of co-parenting where possible and think it's important for the children to see their parents working together.

Could you write the kids a letter or send a text/email that your ex can't get her hands & tell them just how you are feeling?

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