FabSwingers.com mobile

Join us FREE, we're FREE to use

Web's largest swingers site since 2006.

Already registered?
Login here

Back to forum list
Back to The Lounge

I salute you

Jump to newest
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I noted a thread earlier this evening and the subject has impacted my life for several years.

Domestic Abuse

I thankfully have never personally experienced domestic abuse.

However in the UK and Wales over 300 women and 30 men are killed each year.

I actually volunteer with a charity that helps both women and men escaping from domestic abuse.

In the years Ive been doing it I have heard and seen things that have literally broken my heart.

The one thing I will say is that I am amazed everyday by the strenght of character, courage and determination that I see.

What some people can endure and move on from is literally inspiring.

So I want to say to all of you women and men who have survived I salute you.

To anyone reading this who is still suffering at the hands of an abuser when your ready help is waiting.  You are stronger than you can possibly imagine.  I've seen it.

Knitter

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I noted a thread earlier this evening and the subject has impacted my life for several years.

Domestic Abuse

I thankfully have never personally experienced domestic abuse.

However in the UK and Wales over 300 women and 30 men are killed each year.

I actually volunteer with a charity that helps both women and men escaping from domestic abuse.

In the years Ive been doing it I have heard and seen things that have literally broken my heart.

The one thing I will say is that I am amazed everyday by the strenght of character, courage and determination that I see.

What some people can endure and move on from is literally inspiring.

So I want to say to all of you women and men who have survived I salute you.

To anyone reading this who is still suffering at the hands of an abuser when your ready help is waiting.  You are stronger than you can possibly imagine.  I've seen it.

Knitter"

As always, a very thoughtful post.

I would also say that *some* abusers can also be victims who, with treatment, can forge a better life for themselves and those around them

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 09/06/16 23:38:46]

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

nicked this but i do believe in it:

The thing is: We are our own Angels. We’re made of everything we need to survive and thrive.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There is no justified reason for violence in any form.

I have friends both male and female who have suffered domestic abuse. They have been so very courageous to seek help . Its an amazingly brave step to face up to the abusers. The abusers undermine confidence and mental health of their victims.

Knitter, you are a very compassionate and wonderful friend . My I complement you on your words and actions

To those still living under the tyranny of abuse I hope that one day you may feel empowered to seek help

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

I would also say that *some* abusers can also be victims who, with treatment, can forge a better life for themselves and those around them "

I believe this is true too.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"nicked this but i do believe in it:

The thing is: We are our own Angels. We’re made of everything we need to survive and thrive."

I think that is very fitting I may have to nick it too

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I totally agree OP.

Been there,but I've now been 'free' for a number of years.

I didn't think I would ever have the strength to leave. It took me a number of years to be brave enough to get myself out of an abusive marriage. But i did and I've never looked back.

I'm stronger now than I've ever been. I would advise people to get out,sooner rather than later. I know it's scary,but make use of the help that's out there and you'll wish you'd made a bid for freedom sooner.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *requent_FerryersCouple
over a year ago

Norwich to Great Yarmouth


"I totally agree OP.

Been there,but I've now been 'free' for a number of years.

I didn't think I would ever have the strength to leave. It took me a number of years to be brave enough to get myself out of an abusive marriage. But i did and I've never looked back.

I'm stronger now than I've ever been. I would advise people to get out,sooner rather than later. I know it's scary,but make use of the help that's out there and you'll wish you'd made a bid for freedom sooner."

I am actually crying now! I am in a loving relationship, but I know close friends who are not. How do I help them is a constant question... xx

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I totally agree OP.

Been there,but I've now been 'free' for a number of years.

I didn't think I would ever have the strength to leave. It took me a number of years to be brave enough to get myself out of an abusive marriage. But i did and I've never looked back.

I'm stronger now than I've ever been. I would advise people to get out,sooner rather than later. I know it's scary,but make use of the help that's out there and you'll wish you'd made a bid for freedom sooner."

I hope very much that you have a happy life now.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"nicked this but i do believe in it:

The thing is: We are our own Angels. We’re made of everything we need to survive and thrive.

I think that is very fitting I may have to nick it too "

yeah do nick it.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I totally agree OP.

Been there,but I've now been 'free' for a number of years.

I didn't think I would ever have the strength to leave. It took me a number of years to be brave enough to get myself out of an abusive marriage. But i did and I've never looked back.

I'm stronger now than I've ever been. I would advise people to get out,sooner rather than later. I know it's scary,but make use of the help that's out there and you'll wish you'd made a bid for freedom sooner.

I am actually crying now! I am in a loving relationship, but I know close friends who are not. How do I help them is a constant question... xx"

Its so hard. All I can tell you is don't turn away and don't judge them. Sometimes the stigma can be overwhelming.

Be there and let them know that you love and support them.

Good luck.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire

Well said OP..

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *eccymanMan
over a year ago

Gateshead

Great post OP. {CLAPPING SMILEY IF THERE WAS ONE}

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

Lovely knitter you've just made me cry xx

I've experienced this in various forms over the years and mostly beaten it in unconventional ways.

I salute anyone in the same boat.

To those still suffering - help is out there - please take it

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville


"Lovely knitter you've just made me cry xx

I've experienced this in various forms over the years and mostly beaten it in unconventional ways.

I salute anyone in the same boat.

To those still suffering - help is out there - please take it "

Can't believe I've just admitted any of that on here!!

I'm gonna bugger off to bed on that note x. Night all xx

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Lovely knitter you've just made me cry xx

I've experienced this in various forms over the years and mostly beaten it in unconventional ways.

I salute anyone in the same boat.

To those still suffering - help is out there - please take it "

As I said in my original post Hanky the strength of character and courage to move forward is inspirational.

Keep going lovely lady almost there I promise.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Great post and credit to you knitter for your work.

As a kid i witnessed this sadly. Utterly powerless to help. Haunts me still now.

Karma will avenge the person,

Love to anyone who has dealt with this at first person X

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Lovely knitter you've just made me cry xx

I've experienced this in various forms over the years and mostly beaten it in unconventional ways.

I salute anyone in the same boat.

To those still suffering - help is out there - please take it

Can't believe I've just admitted any of that on here!!

I'm gonna bugger off to bed on that note x. Night all xx"

There is no shame in what you said

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Lovely knitter you've just made me cry xx

I've experienced this in various forms over the years and mostly beaten it in unconventional ways.

I salute anyone in the same boat.

To those still suffering - help is out there - please take it

Can't believe I've just admitted any of that on here!!

I'm gonna bugger off to bed on that note x. Night all xx"

No need to feel bad about it. The abuser is in the wrong. I never feel ashamed of myself, wish i'd had a sense of self worth sooner that's all but i've got one now and that's all that matters.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Great post and credit to you knitter for your work.

As a kid i witnessed this sadly. Utterly powerless to help. Haunts me still now.

Karma will avenge the person,

Love to anyone who has dealt with this at first person X "

I think thats the thing that kills me is how the children are affected. Knowing that their scars will stay with them mentally and on my worst days physically.

knitter

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago

Hull

I went through this about 20 years ago at the hands of a lady who put me on hospital not once, but twice.

It took a very forward thinking police officer from a Domestic Violence team, plus help from my brother to make me realise how futile my relationship was going to be of I stayed with her, even getting married.

We split up and went out separate ways; it broke my heart, and oddly enough, I still think about her daily.

But back then men were men and sorted out their own problems. I can also see how women got caught up in the never ending belief that "he'll change, he won't hit me again, he's promised!"

I went through that too. Different times.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I totally agree OP.

Been there,but I've now been 'free' for a number of years.

I didn't think I would ever have the strength to leave. It took me a number of years to be brave enough to get myself out of an abusive marriage. But i did and I've never looked back.

I'm stronger now than I've ever been. I would advise people to get out,sooner rather than later. I know it's scary,but make use of the help that's out there and you'll wish you'd made a bid for freedom sooner.

I hope very much that you have a happy life now."

.

.

I am indeed enjoying a happy life now OP.

Though it took me seven years to fully realise that I wasn't to blame for the abuse. No one 'deserves' to be treated appallingly (the physical wounds heal, but years of mental abuse take years to heal)

Meeting a special man has helped me realise I am a person of worth. That was a massive turning point. He'll remain a dear friend for the rest of my life.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mum suffered domestic violence at the hands of my dad. He pushed her down the stairs when she was pregnant with me and slashed her neck and hands, hospitalising her.

In the end, after my uncle stepped in, she got a restraining order against my dad but it was hard work getting that back then and also the Police were less likely to want to get involved.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone, and it pisses me off no end when you hear folk say "just leave". It's never that easy, and it takes great courage and strength to do so!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ony HardcockMan
over a year ago

Shepperton

It's an awesome quality to have OP thank you for your time helping others.

I see it a lot in my job not just adults children too.

You do feel helpless to help sometimes. And why do people go back? Love? Scared to be alone? Financial? Who knows?

Keep up the good work OP

And be brave the people who are suffering and find help X

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I went through this about 20 years ago at the hands of a lady who put me on hospital not once, but twice.

It took a very forward thinking police officer from a Domestic Violence team, plus help from my brother to make me realise how futile my relationship was going to be of I stayed with her, even getting married.

We split up and went out separate ways; it broke my heart, and oddly enough, I still think about her daily.

But back then men were men and sorted out their own problems. I can also see how women got caught up in the never ending belief that "he'll change, he won't hit me again, he's promised!"

I went through that too. Different times."

I work with both men and women.

Its really important to remember that whilst the % is much lower its a real problem.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I totally agree OP.

Been there,but I've now been 'free' for a number of years.

I didn't think I would ever have the strength to leave. It took me a number of years to be brave enough to get myself out of an abusive marriage. But i did and I've never looked back.

I'm stronger now than I've ever been. I would advise people to get out,sooner rather than later. I know it's scary,but make use of the help that's out there and you'll wish you'd made a bid for freedom sooner.

I hope very much that you have a happy life now.

.

.

I am indeed enjoying a happy life now OP.

Though it took me seven years to fully realise that I wasn't to blame for the abuse. No one 'deserves' to be treated appallingly (the physical wounds heal, but years of mental abuse take years to heal)

Meeting a special man has helped me realise I am a person of worth. That was a massive turning point. He'll remain a dear friend for the rest of my life. "

Like I said.you.are.awersome

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"My mum suffered domestic violence at the hands of my dad. He pushed her down the stairs when she was pregnant with me and slashed her neck and hands, hospitalising her.

In the end, after my uncle stepped in, she got a restraining order against my dad but it was hard work getting that back then and also the Police were less likely to want to get involved.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone, and it pisses me off no end when you hear folk say "just leave". It's never that easy, and it takes great courage and strength to do so!

"
well said and thank you.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

And be brave the people who are suffering and find help X "

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"nicked this but i do believe in it:

The thing is: We are our own Angels. We’re made of everything we need to survive and thrive."

Unless you've got cancer then you're made of what will kill you.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"nicked this but i do believe in it:

The thing is: We are our own Angels. We’re made of everything we need to survive and thrive.

Unless you've got cancer then you're made of what will kill you.

"

I actually am at a complete loss for words.

Feel better now?

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"nicked this but i do believe in it:

The thing is: We are our own Angels. We’re made of everything we need to survive and thrive.

Unless you've got cancer then you're made of what will kill you.

"

You get cancer every day, you're made of something that kills it off.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"nicked this but i do believe in it:

The thing is: We are our own Angels. We’re made of everything we need to survive and thrive.

Unless you've got cancer then you're made of what will kill you.

"

Whilst I acknowlege that Cancer is an awful beast it doesn't define the person and how they choose to be.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes it is amazing what people will put up with and accept as their life on a daily basis and come out the other side wiser..stronger and happier x

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ackett1962Man
over a year ago

harrow

Very thoughtful thread op. Let's hope people who are suffering any sort of abuse can take some comfort from yours and the other comments on this thread. No one should have to put up with physical or mental abuse .xxx

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I noted a thread earlier this evening and the subject has impacted my life for several years.

Domestic Abuse

I thankfully have never personally experienced domestic abuse.

However in the UK and Wales over 300 women and 30 men are killed each year.

I actually volunteer with a charity that helps both women and men escaping from domestic abuse.

In the years Ive been doing it I have heard and seen things that have literally broken my heart.

The one thing I will say is that I am amazed everyday by the strenght of character, courage and determination that I see.

What some people can endure and move on from is literally inspiring.

So I want to say to all of you women and men who have survived I salute you.

To anyone reading this who is still suffering at the hands of an abuser when your ready help is waiting.  You are stronger than you can possibly imagine.  I've seen it.

Knitter"
a truly amazing thread, you are a fantastic person and I am glad to have encountered you on here. Thankfully things are easier through the cjs for abusers to receive the help they need and require, but more can and needs to be done. I too salute those who have the courage to face their abusers and walk away, but I also salute the people like you knitter, who volunteer your time to help those in desperate need of some sort of help. X

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"nicked this but i do believe in it:

The thing is: We are our own Angels. We’re made of everything we need to survive and thrive.

Unless you've got cancer then you're made of what will kill you.

Whilst I acknowlege that Cancer is an awful beast it doesn't define the person and how they choose to be."

No but cancer is "you" it's your own cells.

Hence they're mads of what will kill them not what will make them thrive.

I was thinking of going with autoimmune disease but it's a bit long winded

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

A friend was a lunch bag, broken nose several times. She bit by bit removed all of her important stuff, had interviews and got a job and somewhere to live in another town. Walked away from her job and the bastard. He caused trouble at her old workplace but no-one knew where she'd gone.

She was free and became happy for the first time in years. It's a nightmare for such people until they get out. Thanks knitter.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

That should have said punch bag - not lunch. A Freudian slip as I've not eaten since breakfast.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *isaB45Woman
over a year ago

Fabville

Thank you, Knitter.

What people don't always realise, is that domestic abuse is not just about physical violence.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"A friend was a lunch bag, broken nose several times. She bit by bit removed all of her important stuff, had interviews and got a job and somewhere to live in another town. Walked away from her job and the bastard. He caused trouble at her old workplace but no-one knew where she'd gone.

She was free and became happy for the first time in years. It's a nightmare for such people until they get out. Thanks knitter. "

It really is very hard Ive seen the fear become too overwhelming for people.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You know the sad thing. I know someone who has had a breakdown and severe sczhophrenia (no im not looking up the spelling). As a result of years of domestic abuse.

We got her safe eventually and she broke. But now cause hes not there they wont help her with her mental health.

They have to see her try harm herself first before they can step in.

Sad thats theres so many people in this world who arent getting the help they need because of stupid outdated rules xx

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i suffered many years of mental abuse and it will always affect me - but it was one episode of violence that woke me up - not sure you ever totally get over stuff like this but sure makes you a fighter for what you care about

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville


"nicked this but i do believe in it:

The thing is: We are our own Angels. We’re made of everything we need to survive and thrive.

Unless you've got cancer then you're made of what will kill you.

Whilst I acknowlege that Cancer is an awful beast it doesn't define the person and how they choose to be.

No but cancer is "you" it's your own cells.

Hence they're mads of what will kill them not what will make them thrive.

I was thinking of going with autoimmune disease but it's a bit long winded "

This is a pretty sensitive subject for many. I'm not sure which bit of your pedantic mindset thought you were being witty, but I assure you that you failed on this occasion.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *iss AdventureWoman
over a year ago

Wonderland

I have no doubt that most people can give their own experiences of what is still a fairly taboo subject but I'm glad there are people out there that are able to help and offer guidance and support.

For some it can be very long, hard cycle to break and takes so much courage.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"nicked this but i do believe in it:

The thing is: We are our own Angels. We’re made of everything we need to survive and thrive.

Unless you've got cancer then you're made of what will kill you.

Whilst I acknowlege that Cancer is an awful beast it doesn't define the person and how they choose to be.

No but cancer is "you" it's your own cells.

Hence they're mads of what will kill them not what will make them thrive.

I was thinking of going with autoimmune disease but it's a bit long winded

This is a pretty sensitive subject for many. I'm not sure which bit of your pedantic mindset thought you were being witty, but I assure you that you failed on this occasion.

"

It's not pedantic, what's pedantic is pointing out that your sense of humour is not the same as everyone's.

Wait or is that just condescending?

Ah lets split the differnce and call it patronising

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville


"nicked this but i do believe in it:

The thing is: We are our own Angels. We’re made of everything we need to survive and thrive.

Unless you've got cancer then you're made of what will kill you.

Whilst I acknowlege that Cancer is an awful beast it doesn't define the person and how they choose to be.

No but cancer is "you" it's your own cells.

Hence they're mads of what will kill them not what will make them thrive.

I was thinking of going with autoimmune disease but it's a bit long winded

This is a pretty sensitive subject for many. I'm not sure which bit of your pedantic mindset thought you were being witty, but I assure you that you failed on this occasion.

It's not pedantic, what's pedantic is pointing out that your sense of humour is not the same as everyone's.

Wait or is that just condescending?

Ah lets split the differnce and call it patronising "

You've done it all over the forum this morning - not just here.

I'll end this here as I am not looking to argue and I'm not going to spoil Knitters thread further. Just have a think about it though - I know it took a lot for me to open up on here.

If you had posted that before I did then I would never have done so.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Guys I realise that this is an open forum and everyone is entitled within the rules to voice their opinion or offer comments.

The thread yesterday got really contensious and that wasnt my intention with this thread.

It was simply a show of support on my part.

Please please don't let it become an agruement. Please be respectful.

Knitter **sprinkling fairy dust**

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A friend was a lunch bag, broken nose several times. She bit by bit removed all of her important stuff, had interviews and got a job and somewhere to live in another town. Walked away from her job and the bastard. He caused trouble at her old workplace but no-one knew where she'd gone.

She was free and became happy for the first time in years. It's a nightmare for such people until they get out. Thanks knitter.

It really is very hard Ive seen the fear become too overwhelming for people."

The time when the victim tries to leave is the most dangerous time of all. The abuser knows s/he is losing their victim and their sick way of getting attention for themselves.

Ridiculous as it sounds, it can be safer to stay and not make any waves.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


" ...

If you had posted that before I did then I would never have done so."

I'm glad you did post. For people in this situation they can feel very very alone. Knowing that someone else has gone through the same thing can help. x

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thank you. I made the move after 15 years of it. This last year has been the best for me

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville


" ...

If you had posted that before I did then I would never have done so.

I'm glad you did post. For people in this situation they can feel very very alone. Knowing that someone else has gone through the same thing can help. x"

Thank you Scarlet xx

I still go through it, just with nothing like the intensity it used to be. What's left is only mental and compared to years gone by its a walk in the park, but I'll never forget what I have endured, what has gone and empathise with anyone in that situation.

Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.

My husbands nickname is Ned Flanders - the okily-dokily neighbour from the Simpsons.

Says it all.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *opsy RogersWoman
over a year ago

London

My older sister suffered years of mental and physical torture in the 70's and part of the reason that stopped her from escaping was my mothers refusal to keep her safe. She turned up one day, freezing cold, barefoot, bruised and broken with her 4 month old son in her arms and my mother asked her when she was leaving.

She eventually did it but only when her life was in immediate danger.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"My older sister suffered years of mental and physical torture in the 70's and part of the reason that stopped her from escaping was my mothers refusal to keep her safe. She turned up one day, freezing cold, barefoot, bruised and broken with her 4 month old son in her arms and my mother asked her when she was leaving.

She eventually did it but only when her life was in immediate danger.

"

Its so hard to reach out for help and its heartbreaking when people do and they dont get it from those that should love and protect them.

I hope your sister has a happy life now.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *opsy RogersWoman
over a year ago

London


"My older sister suffered years of mental and physical torture in the 70's and part of the reason that stopped her from escaping was my mothers refusal to keep her safe. She turned up one day, freezing cold, barefoot, bruised and broken with her 4 month old son in her arms and my mother asked her when she was leaving.

She eventually did it but only when her life was in immediate danger.

Its so hard to reach out for help and its heartbreaking when people do and they dont get it from those that should love and protect them.

I hope your sister has a happy life now."

Thank you. She will always be affected by it but she's ok. Her grown son is severely affected by what he saw, he's a compassionate human but the internal pain and turmoil is always there.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *isaB45Woman
over a year ago

Fabville

When does an unhappy or failing relationship become an emotionally abusive one?

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"When does an unhappy or failing relationship become an emotionally abusive one?"

when your partner hurts you. either on purpose or sometimes not. on purpose though means they enjoy abusing you.

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.

Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.

Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.

Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.

Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Abusers are able to control their behavior—they do it all the time

Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.

Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.

Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).

Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.

got that off a domestic violence website, you can google "signs of emotional abuse" if you want to.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sorry, copy and pasted the wrong thing because i ended up reading the whole page. this is what it says about emotional abuse:

Understanding emotional abuse

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. The scars of emotional abuse are very real, though, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.

Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse

Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:

Rigidly controlling your finances

Withholding money or credit cards

Making you account for every penny you spend

Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter)

Restricting you to an allowance

Preventing you from working or choosing your own career

Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)

Stealing from you or taking your money

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *isaB45Woman
over a year ago

Fabville

Thank you.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury


"nicked this but i do believe in it:

The thing is: We are our own Angels. We’re made of everything we need to survive and thrive.

Unless you've got cancer then you're made of what will kill you.

"

Well I didn't expect that from you. I guess technically that is true but no all of us who have had cancer die and not al of us who have suffered D V get out!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thank you."

it's ok. i think it's better to google for what you don't understand really, that's what i did with my ex. i couldn't understand half the stuff that went on with us because he was lying and manipulating the truth as well as me. so i googled some stuff and kept coming across certain things.

terms that came up were sociopath, and NPD. and when i looked more into these things then i knew what was really going on.

abusers don't think like us so it's hard to know the truth without help.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

It's also worth googling the term 'Gas-lighting' as that's another form of abuse. Where someone twists truth and lies to make you believe theur version of everything.

I was a victim of that for ten years and it's only when I was well shot of it I even realised properly!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

I will just add by the way, THANK YOU for all the gorgeous, lovely caring inbox messages I've had as a result of this thread.

Lots of you are softer than you make out

Huggles all

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It's also worth googling the term 'Gas-lighting' as that's another form of abuse. Where someone twists truth and lies to make you believe theur version of everything.

I was a victim of that for ten years and it's only when I was well shot of it I even realised properly! "

i get that totally - it was after the violence that i realised what an evil git he was - but i needed that much more to happen to push me over the edge as then i was on the outside looking in and i was like wtf am i doing here - 20 yrs i was with him and id say 15 of them were controlled and i never knew it until it went too far - but in hindsight it was the best thing in the end - i shudder to think what id be like now if i was still with him

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *isaB45Woman
over a year ago

Fabville


"Thank you.

it's ok. i think it's better to google for what you don't understand really, that's what i did with my ex. i couldn't understand half the stuff that went on with us because he was lying and manipulating the truth as well as me. so i googled some stuff and kept coming across certain things.

terms that came up were sociopath, and NPD. and when i looked more into these things then i knew what was really going on.

abusers don't think like us so it's hard to know the truth without help."

Thank you for your reply. I wasn't asking for the sake of learning. I was considering my own circumstances.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thank you.

it's ok. i think it's better to google for what you don't understand really, that's what i did with my ex. i couldn't understand half the stuff that went on with us because he was lying and manipulating the truth as well as me. so i googled some stuff and kept coming across certain things.

terms that came up were sociopath, and NPD. and when i looked more into these things then i knew what was really going on.

abusers don't think like us so it's hard to know the truth without help.

Thank you for your reply. I wasn't asking for the sake of learning. I was considering my own circumstances."

yeah i meant for that, sorry i'm crap at explaining things which is why i often copy and paste instead.

i didn't realise i was being abused, although i was unhappy with my ex and sometimes even felt suicidal but i didn't realise why, until i googled anything within our relationship that didn't make sense.

one thing the abused sometimes do is overlook red flags and warnings to put ourselves first, we're primed to ignore flags and act like this and make excuses for things because that makes things a lot easier for the abusers. when you google some stuff you can see things as they really are.

hope that even made snense, like i said - crappy at explaining but i know what i mean.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *isaB45Woman
over a year ago

Fabville

Thank you xx

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you're welcome. i'll shut up now and stop thinking about my douche ex.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One of the loveliest guys on fab, sweet and gentle man is a long term victim hence not naming him. Hes now been accused of criminal damage and assault by his gaslighting bitch of an ex partner. :'-( I cant do anything except encourage and support and recommend counselling but ooooh, its horrible to see what it does to him.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *an_WoodMan
over a year ago

Stafford

Anyone who has suffered this deserves compassion and understanding. Grateful for honesty shown here.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think men find it harder to seek help if they are victims of dv.

My hubby suffered for years at the hands of his ex and even now after 8 years of escaping it and living with me he still hasnt sought help and i feel he is still affected by it. I think its because he thinks he would be seen as weak if he got help. Plus he still lives in fear of her in some ways

I mean generally he is happy and we have a great life together but he is still affected by it in some ways.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think men find it harder to seek help if they are victims of dv.

My hubby suffered for years at the hands of his ex and even now after 8 years of escaping it and living with me he still hasnt sought help and i feel he is still affected by it. I think its because he thinks he would be seen as weak if he got help. Plus he still lives in fear of her in some ways

I mean generally he is happy and we have a great life together but he is still affected by it in some ways."

it will always be there somewhere - i think so anyway as the effects are so deep rooted - im just coming out of a dip after something at work took me back emotionally to when i was with him - i wrote about it on here -

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It made me who I am today. Happily single. Confident and happy

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My heart is literally breaking and bursting with adoration in equal measure.

Thank you so much to everyone who has contributed.

For those that have contributed with a ? mark if you have to ask then you are probably being abused to some extent.

Please feel free to message if you would like to talk.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
Post new Message to Thread
back to top