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A lion goes into a restaurant

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

The waiter asks what he would like for a starter.

He orders pan fried mushrooms and bread

The waiter then asks what he would like for his main?

A comb!

Any more cringe worthy and not too offensive jokes welcome

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Haha good one

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By *unandbuckCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

Then, in walks a horse , waiter says 'why the long face?'

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By *eccymanMan
over a year ago

Gateshead

Why do elephants wear sandals?

So they don't sink into the sand.

Why do ostriches bury their heads in the sand?

They're looking for elephants not wearing sandals.

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By *unandbuckCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

Then a skeleton walks in to the restaurant ' Can I have a pint of Guiness and a mop ' .

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

Did you hear about the incontinent lamppost?

It pissed on a dog

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i don't get it... what's a comb? or explain it to me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The barman gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it says, "You really look fantastic.... and that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realising he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice starts speaking to him, this time from the machine. "You're the stupidest, most idiotic man I've ever met. You stink too, and you're almost as ugly as your mother."

By now, the man is extremely confused. He turns to the barman for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Busy restaurant. Then a man walks in with a giraffe. The giraffe has a couple of drinks and passes out. The guy gets up to leave.

"You can't leave that lying hear" says the waiter

"It's not a lion it's a giraffe" replies the man and leaves

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By *unandbuckCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

Then in walks and Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman , barman says ' is this some kind of joke?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why is the longest nose in the guinness book of records 11 inches?

Because if it was 12 inches it would be a foot

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By *eccymanMan
over a year ago

Gateshead

A man in a pub shouts out that he'll wage £500 if anyone can drink ten pints of Guinness one after the other and Paddy stands up and says he'll take the bet. He then walks out of the pub and return half an hour later and drinks the ten pints.

After giving him his money the first guy asks him why he left and Paddy replies, "I went to the pub down the road to see if I could do it first."

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By *unandbuckCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

Man in a bar with his dog, the dog is licking its balls.

Another guy says ' I wish I could do that' - first man says 'give him a sausage and he'll let you'

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By *obwithkiltMan
over a year ago

Belton

A scotsman, englishman, welshman, irishman, frenchman, American, indian, dutchman and jamaican go in to a restaurant amd get tuned away...asking why they get told "no thai"

Thankyouverymuchimhereallweektrytheveal

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By *eccymanMan
over a year ago

Gateshead

After an intense fire in a Dublin pub the fire service ente_ed the building and we're shocked to find ten charcoaled bodies all standing at the bar with arms outstretched and on the counter. It was then that they spotted the fire exit sign that read "Push Bar to Open".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Polar bear walks into a bar

Excuse me Squire can I have a pint of Cider.

A Barcardi & Coke and.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

A vodka and Red Bull

Barman say's why the big pause.

Coz I'm a fucking polar bear

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

a motorway smashes it's way through a bar and orders a pint and some crisps and the barman serves him.

Then an A road causing lots of damage crashes beside it and orders a Tequila sunrise and the barman serves her.

Finally a small concrete side road goes in and orders a and some scratchings.

The barman refuses to serve it.

The road asks "why are you serving the other roads and not me, they've done far more damage!"

The barman replies "I'm not serving you ...

You're a boody cyclepath!"

Thanks for all the jokes - oh how my kids will suffer

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By *unandbuckCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield


"What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff "

What's brown and sticky? A stick

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By *eccymanMan
over a year ago

Gateshead


"i don't get it... what's a comb? or explain it to me."

Main course...mane.. comb.. geddit.

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By *parkly MittensWoman
over a year ago

My own little world

Two guys walk into a bar.

One goes up to the bar man and asked for "two beers, one for me and one for donkey boy over there".

He does this a couple more times and then heads to the toilet. The barman says, to he second man "I think it's crap the way he calls you donkey boy".

The second man replies "oh hee-haw hee-haw he always calls me that"

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By *eccymanMan
over a year ago

Gateshead


"Two guys walk into a bar.

One goes up to the bar man and asked for "two beers, one for me and one for donkey boy over there".

He does this a couple more times and then heads to the toilet. The barman says, to he second man "I think it's crap the way he calls you donkey boy".

The second man replies "oh hee-haw hee-haw he always calls me that" "

Ok, you've won. That was the corniest yet.

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By *parkly MittensWoman
over a year ago

My own little world


"Two guys walk into a bar.

One goes up to the bar man and asked for "two beers, one for me and one for donkey boy over there".

He does this a couple more times and then heads to the toilet. The barman says, to he second man "I think it's crap the way he calls you donkey boy".

The second man replies "oh hee-haw hee-haw he always calls me that"

Ok, you've won. That was the corniest yet. "

Well I do try

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"i don't get it... what's a comb? or explain it to me.

Main course...mane.. comb.. geddit. "

yes i do now. duh...

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By *eccymanMan
over a year ago

Gateshead


"Two guys walk into a bar.

One goes up to the bar man and asked for "two beers, one for me and one for donkey boy over there".

He does this a couple more times and then heads to the toilet. The barman says, to he second man "I think it's crap the way he calls you donkey boy".

The second man replies "oh hee-haw hee-haw he always calls me that"

Ok, you've won. That was the corniest yet.

Well I do try "

I bet you do.

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By *mokes n MirrorsCouple
over a year ago

Plymouth and Newcastle (sometimes)

A termite crawled into a pub and asked "Where's the bartender?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Terry walks into his best mate's barn to find him naked apart from a black lacy thong dancing and gyrating around. "Wtf you doing man". His mate says he had been having problems with his wife and they had been to marriage guidance and the lady who they saw said "he should do more things sexy to a tractor"

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By *unandbuckCouple
over a year ago

Sheffield

A lion, 2 Irishmen , an Englishman , a Scotsman, a skeleton, a giraffe, a frog , a termite, a farmer, some fluff, a stick, a Jamaican, a polar bear, a Frenchman, some peanuts and a motorway walk into a pub ,

hold on, I've not thought this through

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

What do you call a cow that sleeps.......a bull dozer

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By *eccymanMan
over a year ago

Gateshead


"A lion, 2 Irishmen , an Englishman , a Scotsman, a skeleton, a giraffe, a frog , a termite, a farmer, some fluff, a stick, a Jamaican, a polar bear, a Frenchman, some peanuts and a motorway walk into a pub ,

hold on, I've not thought this through "

Clearly. Someone would have had to carry the peanuts, the fluff and the stick as they don't have any blimmin legs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Courtesy of my darling daughters forays on YouTube...

What comes after 69?

.

.

.

Mouthwash

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar

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By *eccymanMan
over a year ago

Gateshead


"The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar "

Pmsl. Really

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By *illdeeCouple
over a year ago

nr Edinburgh

Bear walks into a pub, "pint of lager please". Barman pours and hands it to him, "that'll be 9 quid thank you. And, if l may say, we don't get many bears in here".

"l'm not surprised at 9 fuckin quid for a pint" said the bear.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What is yellow and smells like green paint?

Yellow paint.

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By *unglasgow69Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

What's a pilots favourite biscuit ................... A Wee plain one lol

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By *lumsy colinMan
over a year ago

basingstoke

BNAG

My god thats bang out of order

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I dont get the op. I never understand jokes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Three balloons. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.

Daddy balloon saids to baby balloon, look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in you're own bed. Baby balloon protests, I like sleeping with you and mummy. No you are not sleeping with us and thats final. Ok saids baby balloon sadly.

Two in the morning baby ballon wakes up and dicides to climb into beb with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dads knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummys knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. he still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again, he finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.

The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry. He said son, I am really disapointed with you, I said you can't sleep with us. you've let me down, you're mummy down, and you're self down to.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I dont get the op. I never understand jokes "

main = mane.

i'm liking the jokes in here.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I dont get the op. I never understand jokes

main = mane.

i'm liking the jokes in here. "

Hahaha thanks lovely

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an Italian with a rubber foot ?

Roberto

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do cows have bells ?

Because their horns don't work .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I dont get the op. I never understand jokes

main = mane.

i'm liking the jokes in here.

Hahaha thanks lovely "

no problem. i didn't get it at first either.

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By *unloversCouple
over a year ago

rotherham

A comb for its mane.......pmsl

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By *ornyspunkMan
over a year ago

trucking all over

A blind man walks into a bar

And says

Ouch

I will get my coat

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By *unloversCouple
over a year ago

rotherham

What kind of doughnuts does Bob Marley like??

Ones with jammin

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By *eliz NelsonMan
over a year ago

The Tantric Tea Shop


"The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar "

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By *eliz NelsonMan
over a year ago

The Tantric Tea Shop

A Higgs Bosun particle walks into a church!

The priest says 'sorry but I can't allow you in here!''

The Higgs Bosun says 'Well without me you can't have mass!'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

knock knock

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"knock knock"

kids... you go answer it, it's probably for you anyway.

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By *arksMan
over a year ago

in the centre


"knock knock"

big ish

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

your suppose to say whose there, shall we try again xx

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By *eccymanMan
over a year ago

Gateshead

What's white and swings through the jungle?

Tarzan the Fridge.

What's white and blue and swings through the jungle?

Tarzan the Fridge wearing a denim jacket.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Had a massive argument with B last night after which she stormed out of the house.

Half an hour later I get a text.

"Gotaproblemwithmyphone.Thespacekeyisntworking.AnywayImfedupofthesecontinuingarguments.YouregoingtohavetomoveoutotherwisewhenIgethomeyouregoingtohavetogivemeanalternative.

I've made my decision. I'm not moving out, but what does ternative mean?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what biscuits can fly ? a wee plane one

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By *eccymanMan
over a year ago

Gateshead

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By *arksMan
over a year ago

in the centre

4 men wondering round carrying a coffin , after seeing them pass the window 4 times in the space of 20 minutes it became obvious they had lost the plot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"a motorway smashes it's way through a bar and orders a pint and some crisps and the barman serves him.

Then an A road causing lots of damage crashes beside it and orders a Tequila sunrise and the barman serves her.

Finally a small concrete side road goes in and orders a and some scratchings.

The barman refuses to serve it.

The road asks "why are you serving the other roads and not me, they've done far more damage!"

The barman replies "I'm not serving you ...

You're a boody cyclepath!"

Thanks for all the jokes - oh how my kids will suffer "

I thought the punchline would be something about not serving a minor lol

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By *edMan
over a year ago

cambridgeshire


"The waiter asks what he would like for a starter.

He orders pan fried mushrooms and bread

The waiter then asks what he would like for his main?

A comb!

Any more cringe worthy and not too offensive jokes welcome

"

So... would it be a special comb.. adapted for a lions paw? Because he would struggle to pick it up otherwise?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The waiter asks what he would like for a starter.

He orders pan fried mushrooms and bread

The waiter then asks what he would like for his main?

A comb!

Any more cringe worthy and not too offensive jokes welcome

So... would it be a special comb.. adapted for a lions paw? Because he would struggle to pick it up otherwise?"

you must be a right laugh at partys

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By *eccymanMan
over a year ago

Gateshead

I think my OCD is getting worse. I keep opening the fridge door to see if the light has gone off and it fucking hasn't!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him..???

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife sent me a text last week:

'When you get home from work I'm going to strip naked and do a sexy dance for you'

So far I have accumulated 94 hours overtime..!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nine out of ten men keep their eyes closed while making love.. I have to keep mine open. I need to keep a lookout for the wife..!!

Last one I promise

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

guy walks into a bar same time every week and orders three whiskeys drinks them and walkes out barman asks why he says iv got a brother in canada and one in Australia so every week i have a drink for us next week he walks in and only asks for two barman says oh shit am sorry to hear have you lost a brother he says no its me ... am off the drink

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy takes a phone call at work and breaks down crying.

His boss asks. "What's wrong Paddy are you OK ?

No my dad has just died.

Boss says "oh no take the rest of the day off. Just has Paddy is walking out his boss shouts. Paddy you have another call

Paddy answers it and breaks down again.

Not more bad news says his boss.

Yeah said Paddy. That was my brother on the phone. His dad as just died too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Paddy takes a phone call at work and breaks down crying.

His boss asks. "What's wrong Paddy are you OK ?

No my dad has just died.

Boss says "oh no take the rest of the day off. Just has Paddy is walking out his boss shouts. Paddy you have another call

Paddy answers it and breaks down again.

Not more bad news says his boss.

Yeah said Paddy. That was my brother on the phone. His dad as just died too "

Balloon joke please

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"BNAG

My god thats bang out of order"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"The waiter asks what he would like for a starter.

He orders pan fried mushrooms and bread

The waiter then asks what he would like for his main?

A comb!

Any more cringe worthy and not too offensive jokes welcome

So... would it be a special comb.. adapted for a lions paw? Because he would struggle to pick it up otherwise?

you must be a right laugh at partys "

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By *laytimenowMan
over a year ago

Essex

Why has an Elephant got 4 feet ?

Hed looked daft with 6 inches

A White horse walks into a bar & asks for a drink the barman says

we've got a drink named after you.

What Trevor ?

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By *laytimenowMan
over a year ago

Essex

Paddy walks into a Pub & asks for 3 pints of guinness & takes a mouthful from each glass in turn .

a week passes & paddy comes back & repeats the process .

The barman enquires you drink your drinks in an unusual way .

Paddy informs the barman he has 2 brothers & every Friday at 6 pm wherever they are in the world

they all have a drink together .

6 months later & Paddy comes in & orders 2 pints of Guinness .

The barman pours the 2 pints & paddy slowly walks to the table .

the barman calls over

Paddy i am sorry to hear about the loss of 1 of uour brothers ,

paddy calls back ,

They are both fine i have just given up the drink

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

guy takes his gold fish to the vet and says i think its got epilepsy the vet says it looks ok to me he says yes but i havent took it out the bowl yet

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One Sunday morning a wife is preparing breakfast when her husband walks in.

He calmly places a duck on the breakfast table.

His wife is puzzled at that moment the husband announcers "I want you to see the pig I have been fucking"

The wife says "But darling that's a duck"

To which the husband replies

"I wasn't talking to you"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

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By *yesbeenopened2Couple
over a year ago

Rugby

Why does a squirrel swim on his back?

To keep his nuts dry.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

scotsman english and irishman walks into a bar and the barman says is this a fucking joke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says " you drive I'll man the gun"

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By *edMan
over a year ago

cambridgeshire


"The waiter asks what he would like for a starter.

He orders pan fried mushrooms and bread

The waiter then asks what he would like for his main?

A comb!

Any more cringe worthy and not too offensive jokes welcome

So... would it be a special comb.. adapted for a lions paw? Because he would struggle to pick it up otherwise?

you must be a right laugh at partys "

Only when I get my Willie out

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By *ingAlMan
over a year ago

hereford

cowboy walks into a bar, all his clothes made of paper, sheriff says '' you're under arrest'' he says '' whats the charge'' sheriff says '' rustling''

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By *ny1localMan
over a year ago

READING

Dublin Zoo have banned children from McDonalds...in case they fall near the griller.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Polar bear walks in to a bar.

say to the barman please may I have.................................................... a beer, yes says the bars man why the big pause?

Bear replies hey I was born with them!

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By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago

Hull

[Removed by poster at 10/06/16 00:57:15]

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By *onny MCMan
over a year ago

Crawley

A man walks into a bar and orders 4 large Scotches. After downing them he turns to the barman and says "I shouldn't have done that with what I've got". The barman asks "Why, what have you got?" The man replies "50 pence".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mate was into... necrophillia, flagellation and bestiality.... i told him he was flogging a dead horse...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A journalist goes to Iraq and is surprised to see that the local men allow their wives to walk in front of them. The journalist approaches a local and says, “I thought the custom in Islamic countries was for wives to walk ten paces behind their husbands?”

“It was,” replied the local, “But that all changed with the war.”

“How did the war change things?” The journalist enqui_ed.

The local replied, “Land mines.”

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By *hoco DMan
over a year ago

Clapham

[Removed by poster at 10/06/16 11:38:23]

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By *hoco DMan
over a year ago

Clapham

I had an accident few months ago and lot my big toe, ever since I've be moody,and snap all the time.

So thinking I had a touch of depression I went to see the doc, who told me that you not depressed you suffering from

"lack toe intolerance"

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