FabSwingers.com forum: Worrying over nothing?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'd be interested in people's thoughts on this. My sister has long been single and would often kindly have my children for sleepovers and day outs etc which everyone enjoyed. She now has a boyfriend whom I've met twice and seems very nice. More importantly she is really happy. She wants to have my oldest boy (5) over for a sleepover and I'm feeling reluctant as I don't really know her boyfriend and you hear so many horror stories....and he is more or less living with her now. Am I right to be worried? Am I being silly? I have no idea how to tactfully decline without causing massive offence....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd be concerned too. Only you can make the decision but I would talk to her about your concerns.

Most reasonable people would understand.

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By *etter the devil you knowWoman
over a year ago

Lyndhurst

I would feel worried too, just don't let him go.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Trust your instincts. If it makes you feel uneasy, then its a no-go.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't know how happy I'd be with that

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By *oncupiscentTonyMan
over a year ago

Kent

tell her nipper has got the shits, feed him some dodgy chicken to make it authentic

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Be honest with her. She's your sister and you sound close so i'm sure she'd appreciate you being honest.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'd be interested in people's thoughts on this. My sister has long been single and would often kindly have my children for sleepovers and day outs etc which everyone enjoyed. She now has a boyfriend whom I've met twice and seems very nice. More importantly she is really happy. She wants to have my oldest boy (5) over for a sleepover and I'm feeling reluctant as I don't really know her boyfriend and you hear so many horror stories....and he is more or less living with her now. Am I right to be worried? Am I being silly? I have no idea how to tactfully decline without causing massive offence.... "

do you not trust your sisters judgement ?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Be honest with her. She's your sister and you sound close so i'm sure she'd appreciate you being honest."

I don't know how to phrase it without saying I'm basically worried he's dodgy without any evidence! She's so smitten i don't want to spoil it. But can't help feeling uneasy & I want to say something before my hubby does as he is not one for tact

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By *lumsy colinMan
over a year ago

basingstoke

What are you actually worried about??

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

do you not trust your sisters judgement ?"

I do but have never had one of the kids around an adult we don't know very well for a sleepover before...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

do you not trust your sisters judgement ?

I do but have never had one of the kids around an adult we don't know very well for a sleepover before..."

I think you have read too many tabloid newspapers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How long have they been together for? It sounds pretty serious from what you've said. I'll be honest I think whatever spin you put in it telling your sister that you don't want her to babysit because you are worried her first serious boyfriend in a long time might be a paedophile is probably going to piss her off.

Your sister sounds nothing more than a proud aunt trying to integrate her boyfriend in to her family. You should trust her judgement unless you have a specific reason not to

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

do you not trust your sisters judgement ?

I do but have never had one of the kids around an adult we don't know very well for a sleepover before...

I think you have read too many tabloid newspapers. "

You could be right; hear so many awful stories... Hence my question if I'm worrying over nothing?

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By *rincesscaracoupleCouple
over a year ago

Saltburn

I agree with the other poster, be honest with your sis. Just tell her that until you get to know her new man better you would feel more comfortable if the child didn't stay over. Spend days out with her and her chap with the kids then you can see how he is around them. I totally understand your concerns as I had the same situation a few years ago.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Be honest with her. She's your sister and you sound close so i'm sure she'd appreciate you being honest.

I don't need tact for my sister luckily.

I get what you mean about the no evidence, and it does make you look over protective but all parents have the right to be that as it's better being safe than sorry.

I'd just tell my sister that i don't know her fella well enough to trust him around my child. I know she wouldn't be happy with this because she wouldn't offer to have my kids if she didn't get that i was uncomfortable about him being there. But she'd respect my decisions about my own child.

Not sure if any of that helps at all sorry...hopefully someone tactful has better advice. good luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I understand where your coming from but I do agree with trusting your sisters judgement . Also most sex offences against children are by direct family members X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i will add though that it's ok to trust your gut instincts even if it's based on horror stories.

it's better to trust yourself and how you feel than to go against them.

i like the idea of offering days out and including him in them to make him part of the family.

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By *lumsy colinMan
over a year ago

basingstoke

I feel sorry for this guy what has he done to deserve this

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Never ignore a gut instinct as far as your children are concerned.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Never ignore a gut instinct as far as your children are concerned."

I would agree with that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you probably are worrying over nothing if you have no evidence to back up your fears. But then i don't know you or your family.

If you will be worried the whole time then make an excuse for it not to happen. It isn't worth the worry.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your children are your most precious things in your life. Trust your instincts. Take your nipper out for a treat instead. I would never leave my nephew alone with my children. And eventually I was proven right with my thoughts on him. But can't discuss on here.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"tell her nipper has got the shits, feed him some dodgy chicken to make it authentic "

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

Sit down with your sister away from him and air your concerns and ask questions about him where did they meet etc...if you have self doubt you have to address that after all they are your kids but also put faith in your sister they she would safeguard your children as she has done previously when she has had them overnight.

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By *rincesscaracoupleCouple
over a year ago

Saltburn

"I feel sorry for this guy what has he done to deserve this

Nothing but a mother would not be a MUM if she wasn't wary of strangers.

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

"I feel sorry for this guy what has he done to deserve this

Ditto

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By *lumsy colinMan
over a year ago

basingstoke

If you look at this situation properly the only person i would worry about is the sister

And my reasons are simple Family members are most serious threat to young kids

And she is actively pursuing time with the child that seems more worrying than some random bloke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you are being over cautious.

I cannot imagine your sister wanting to put her own nephew in harms way.

The tabloid press has done a great job of degrading traditional family bonds and trust.

They have created a society filled with paranoia and fear.

That said, if you are uneasy, what about a compromise.

Ask your sister to bring her fella round for tea, spend the afternoon or evening bonding, allowing you to get your lad (and you) to get to know him and making it easier for all when he does stay over.

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

"If you look at this situation properly the only person i would worry about is the sister

And my reasons are simple Family members are most serious threat to young kids

And she is actively pursuing time with the child that seems more worrying than some random bloke "

Oh god I must be a sex offender as I'm constantly asking to see my niece and nephew

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your child your choice

If you don't feel your child is safe in the care of your sister don't let them go, I wouldn't

I stopped my daugher going to her dads because his new partners child was bullying her, I told him out right if he wanted to see her he had to come here she was not going to his house to be bullied by his girlfriend's kid

You do what you feel is safe for your child

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you look at this situation properly the only person i would worry about is the sister

And my reasons are simple Family members are most serious threat to young kids

And she is actively pursuing time with the child that seems more worrying than some random bloke "

he's a family member if OPs sister is serious about him.

but yes being trusted with a child is usually how come people abuse them and is why family are more likely to abuse kids because we tend to trust family.

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By *rincesscaracoupleCouple
over a year ago

Saltburn

"If you look at this situation properly the only person i would worry about is the sister

And my reasons are simple Family members are most serious threat to young kids

And she is actively pursuing time with the child that seems more worrying than some random bloke

Oh god I must be a sex offender as I'm constantly asking to see my niece and nephew

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you look at this situation properly the only person i would worry about is the sister

And my reasons are simple Family members are most serious threat to young kids

And she is actively pursuing time with the child that seems more worrying than some random bloke "

That's the most ridiculous post I have ever read

I'm not saying family member's are not a threat to kids in some situation but to suggest an auntie is a danger purely for asking to see their nieces, nephew's is ludicrous

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you look at this situation properly the only person i would worry about is the sister

And my reasons are simple Family members are most serious threat to young kids

And she is actively pursuing time with the child that seems more worrying than some random bloke "

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By *lumsy colinMan
over a year ago

basingstoke

"If you look at this situation properly the only person i would worry about is the sister

And my reasons are simple Family members are most serious threat to young kids

And she is actively pursuing time with the child that seems more worrying than some random bloke

That's the most ridiculous post I have ever read

I'm not saying family member's are not a threat to kids in some situation but to suggest an auntie is a danger purely for asking to see their nieces, nephew's is ludicrous "

Yes couldnt agree more but to suggest this guy is a threat is also ludicrous

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By *ENDAROOSCouple
over a year ago

South West London / Surrey

"If you look at this situation properly the only person i would worry about is the sister

And my reasons are simple Family members are most serious threat to young kids

And she is actively pursuing time with the child that seems more worrying than some random bloke "

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"If you look at this situation properly the only person i would worry about is the sister

And my reasons are simple Family members are most serious threat to young kids

And she is actively pursuing time with the child that seems more worrying than some random bloke "

Good Lord!

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

I've not read all the replies but firstly I'd be inclined to trust your gut instinct.

Love can be blind and your kids are your number one priority. Your sister will understand that.

Why don't you invite them both over for dinner and spend some time getting to know him and see how he interacts with your kids. Small steps until you feel happier is good. If that doesn't make you feel better then sit your sister down and explain it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All men are paedophiles until proven innocent..for God sake

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By *rincesscaracoupleCouple
over a year ago

Saltburn

Ok I wasn't going to go here but here goes. My sister got a new chap a few years ago, nice guy appeared to get on with everyone, they were together a few years. Then one night they had an argument (both d*unk) and he hit her. It wasn't long after the law was passed that allows people to check out new partners. She had him checked out and he had convictions for offences against women and children. Fortunately she doesn't have kids and he had never been alone with mine.

True story.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If you look at this situation properly the only person i would worry about is the sister

And my reasons are simple Family members are most serious threat to young kids

And she is actively pursuing time with the child that seems more worrying than some random bloke

That's the most ridiculous post I have ever read

I'm not saying family member's are not a threat to kids in some situation but to suggest an auntie is a danger purely for asking to see their nieces, nephew's is ludicrous

Yes couldnt agree more but to suggest this guy is a threat is also ludicrous "

I think it's perfectly reasonable to not want your child to spend the night in a house when a man you didn't know

She's not saying she thinks he will harm the child she's just saying because she don't know the man she's unsure

Personally I see nothing wrong with that

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By *ucyhenry69Couple
over a year ago

Hampton

"I've not read all the replies but firstly I'd be inclined to trust your gut instinct.

Love can be blind and your kids are your number one priority. Your sister will understand that.

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

[Removed by poster at 20/05/16 19:37:45]

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

"If you look at this situation properly the only person i would worry about is the sister

And my reasons are simple Family members are most serious threat to young kids

And she is actively pursuing time with the child that seems more worrying than some random bloke "

What

The

Fuck??

I think people in this country are slowly going nuts. The level of paranoia increases daily.

OP, arrange a family day out and meet the guy. If you still think there is a problem then leave it a while.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It shocked her that much she said it twice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you are uncomfortable in an anyway then say no.

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

"It shocked her that much she said it twice

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

Never in a month of Sundays would I allow my young child to sleep over in a house with a man I don't know.

I didn't let any man near my children when I left my husband and even felt "nervous" leaving my other half in the house with my daughter when I went on holiday and she was 22 at the time!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Does your son understand about the 'underwear' rules. Ie- that people shouldn't touch him in certain areas?. if he's old enough to know them id put some trust in your sister. Even if she had been with him for a year stuff can still happen!.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And that ladies and gentlemen is why there are so many single men in this world...

.. I would rather be alone than be thought of this way...

You know once, at Exeter St David's station, a little girl walked up to me crying and lost and I had to accost the nearest woman to help the poor child out; such is the fear I have of being thought of the way the OP thinks of "strange" men....

...this country is fucked up.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

do you not trust your sisters judgement ?"

Her sister hasn't known this bloke long either really does she, and in the first flush of a new romance. Would you trust your kid with someone you don't really know?

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By *rincesscaracoupleCouple
over a year ago

Saltburn

"And that ladies and gentlemen is why there are so many single men in this world...

.. I would rather be alone than be thought of this way...

...this country is fucked up."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And that ladies and gentlemen is why there are so many single men in this world...

.. I would rather be alone than be thought of this way...

...this country is fucked up."

And of course,women never harm children.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And that ladies and gentlemen is why there are so many single men in this world...

.. I would rather be alone than be thought of this way...

...this country is fucked up."
No its not you acted in a totally appropriate way and you actions shoe your honest intentions.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And that ladies and gentlemen is why there are so many single men in this world...

.. I would rather be alone than be thought of this way...

...this country is fucked up."

So you'd be happy with your young child spending the night in a house with somebody you didn't know?

I said somebody because women can be a danger to children too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And that ladies and gentlemen is why there are so many single men in this world...

.. I would rather be alone than be thought of this way...

...this country is fucked up.

And of course,women never harm children."

Of course they do but the OP is asking about her situation which is a man

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And that ladies and gentlemen is why there are so many single men in this world...

.. I would rather be alone than be thought of this way...

...this country is fucked up.

If you read her post again, she doesn't have any opinion of this man. Did she accuse him of anything?? She is a mother and a good one at that. Good mothers are wary of strangers. What the fuck is wrong with that?"
Well said that woman, women ( females of the spices) are designed to fuck off anyone who would endanger their children its the law of nature.

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By *awty MaxWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

"If you look at this situation properly the only person i would worry about is the sister

And my reasons are simple Family members are most serious threat to young kids

And she is actively pursuing time with the child that seems more worrying than some random bloke

What

The

Fuck??

I think people in this country are slowly going nuts. The level of paranoia increases daily.

OP, arrange a family day out and meet the guy. If you still think there is a problem then leave it a while."

I agree with Wyrdwoman.

Say to your sister it is a bit early for your son to stay overnight as you don't know her boyfriend that well. And organise a day out where you can gauge how he handles himself around the kids and get to know him.

Also after your son has met him, I would ask how your son feel about staying there now that the bf is there. Kids have good instincts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd say trust your gut. Spend time with him and see how he is with your kids, and then decide.

Also think about if you would let your son have a sleep over at one of his friend's houses. Would you trust your son's friend's parents? -If it was me I'd use that comparison to try and evaluate if I felt there was a risk in both situations, or just with one person. (Hope that makes sense.)

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By *oncupiscentTonyMan
over a year ago

Kent

I still think mine is the most constructive advise

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Never ignore a gut instinct as far as your children are concerned."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'd say trust your gut. Spend time with him and see how he is with your kids, and then decide.

exactly this...my kids have had sleepovers at virtual strangers houses...all i know is that their kids and ours are friends. I can't go suspecting everyone of being dodgy. Unless there is evidence to doubt him I'd trust the sister and her judgement. Simple.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And that ladies and gentlemen is why there are so many single men in this world...

.. I would rather be alone than be thought of this way...

...this country is fucked up.

And of course,women never harm children.

Of course they do but the OP is asking about her situation which is a man "

Would the same question be ask if it was a brother with a new girlfriend.

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By *piritsonfabCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

I wouldn't have, so early in a new relationship.

Give it time.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have two sisters, I trust them and their judgement, but you are all right, I don't have children how can I comment... I just don't believe there is a pedo around every corner and I trust my family to look after the things I care about.

You must do what feels right for you: I don't know your sister, maybe she is a good/poor judge of character, who knows?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'd say trust your gut. Spend time with him and see how he is with your kids, and then decide.

But then i have no reason not to trust my sister.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'd say trust your gut. Spend time with him and see how he is with your kids, and then decide.

But then i have no reason not to trust my sister."
With sincere and honest respect its not your sis that concerns you. If this guy is kosher and you, in the future, are happy with him then it may be a consideration. As of now keep your conscience and your kids close to your heart

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'd say trust your gut. Spend time with him and see how he is with your kids, and then decide.

But then i have no reason not to trust my sister.With sincere and honest respect its not your sis that concerns you. If this guy is kosher and you, in the future, are happy with him then it may be a consideration. As of now keep your conscience and your kids close to your heart"

But i trust my sister's judgement on her choice of companion and judgment as to whether they be safe around my kids as i know she cherishes my kids and wouldn't put them in jeopardy.

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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago

Paisley

Can't you use the new legislation to get him checked?

I'd feel the same way about leaving my kids with him especially if you don't really know him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'd say trust your gut. Spend time with him and see how he is with your kids, and then decide.

But i trust my sister's judgement on her choice of companion and judgment as to whether they be safe around my kids as i know she cherishes my kids and wouldn't put them in jeopardy."
You have concerns the err on the side of safety.

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By *awty MaxWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

"Can't you use the new legislation to get him checked?

I'd feel the same way about leaving my kids with him especially if you don't really know him. "

She wouldn't be leaving the child with him as such but with her sister!

I would be most upset if my sister was running some sort of check on my boyfriend when a simple day out can be organised to get to know the guy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'd say trust your gut. Spend time with him and see how he is with your kids, and then decide.

this.

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By *rincesscaracoupleCouple
over a year ago

Saltburn

"Can't you use the new legislation to get him checked?

I'd feel the same way about leaving my kids with him especially if you don't really know him.

She wouldn't be leaving the child with him as such but with her sister!

I would be most upset if my sister was running some sort of check on my boyfriend when a simple day out can be organised to get to know the guy "

I agree. It is up to the sister to have any checks done if she has concerns. My sister had checks done on a seemingly nice guy and found that the truth was anything but nice!

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By *ark074Man
over a year ago

nottingham

OP, as all the sensible advice above says, trust your instincts.

Or try this:

On a family day out take him to one side and say'You don't really want my kids staying over do you?'

He will either say

A. Fuck No!I want to bang your sister all night (while thinking of you?) and I don't want them walking in on us. In which case he's sound.

B. He will politely say 'of course. It would be lovely' in which case he is probably OK but your sister ain't having that much fun.

Or C. He will say he loves kids and start doing his Mr Tumble routine.

That's when you run.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"OP, as all the sensible advice above says, trust your instincts.

Or try this:

On a family day out take him to one side and say'You don't really want my kids staying over do you?'

He will either say

A. Fuck No!I want to bang your sister all night (while thinking of you?) and I don't want them walking in on us. In which case he's sound.

B. He will politely say 'of course. It would be lovely' in which case he is probably OK but your sister ain't having that much fun.

Or C. He will say he loves kids and start doing his Mr Tumble routine.

That's when you run. "
Moron

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By *ark074Man
over a year ago

nottingham

"OP, as all the sensible advice above says, trust your instincts.

Or try this:

On a family day out take him to one side and say'You don't really want my kids staying over do you?'

He will either say

A. Fuck No!I want to bang your sister all night (while thinking of you?) and I don't want them walking in on us. In which case he's sound.

B. He will politely say 'of course. It would be lovely' in which case he is probably OK but your sister ain't having that much fun.

Or C. He will say he loves kids and start doing his Mr Tumble routine.

That's when you run. Moron"

Thank you Officer. That really is probably the nicest thing anyone will say to me on here.

'Shoeing' my appreciation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Always always trust your own gut feeling.

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By *rincesscaracoupleCouple
over a year ago

Saltburn

" Moron

Thank you Officer. That really is probably the nicest thing anyone will say to me on here.

'Shoeing' my appreciation. "

Easy to see why!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 20/05/16 21:10:01]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Trust no one.

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By *ark074Man
over a year ago

nottingham

Forgive me. I'm in a silly mood and never normally venture into the more earnest debates on here. But as a separated father of two beautiful children I took an interest. Great access to them though. I am very lucky in that respect.

As Scarlett said above we entrust our loved ones to virtual strangers. Complete strangers in my case. I don't know their friends parents. I just have to trust in the good of humanity and my ex wife's sound judgement. Every good parent will worry about their children every minute of the day.

Off for a bath before I cause more trouble.

Sorry Officer.

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By *adyboy-DaddyCouple
over a year ago

Andover

Surprised at all the nonsense responses on here.

She is your sister for gods sake and your child is her niece.

Do you trust your sister so little?

You let her take your kid swimming (possibly) traveling in her car, walking in busy roads and all other manner of tho he where her poor judgement could leave your child dead.

But cos there's a guy involved suddenly you either think your sister is no longer capable of looking after your child or that she will be smitten by her new fella she will help him molest her own niece. (Good luck with that conversation)

Far too much Daily Mail reading if you ask me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I feel sorry for this guy what has he done to deserve this

Ditto"

She doesn't know him, its not personal, it's as simple as that.

Trust your parent instinct , all get to know him first and then when the sleep over does happen you can all enjoy your evening

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There are sites that for a fee you can get a rough resume if you have his full name etc look on the internet if he has a face book page that could be useful for getting hold of enough particulars to use on a search sorry if that seems low advice but it's an option

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By *rincesscaracoupleCouple
over a year ago

Saltburn

"Surprised at all the nonsense responses on here.

She is your sister for gods sake and your child is her niece.

Do you trust your sister so little?

You let her take your kid swimming (possibly) traveling in her car, walking in busy roads and all other manner of tho he where her poor judgement could leave your child dead.

Far too much Daily Mail reading if you ask me.

Obviously no children then or just a bloody minded attitude. Read your own post and then the op and ask yourself if any of yours is relevant, she never once said she didn't trust her sister.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Surprised at all the nonsense responses on here.

She is your sister for gods sake and your child is her niece.

Do you trust your sister so little?

You let her take your kid swimming (possibly) traveling in her car, walking in busy roads and all other manner of tho he where her poor judgement could leave your child dead.

Far too much Daily Mail reading if you ask me.

Obviously no children then or just a bloody minded attitude. Read your own post and then the op and ask yourself if any of yours is relevant, she never once said she didn't trust her sister."

But she has because she clearly doesn't trust her sister's judgement

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By *rincesscaracoupleCouple
over a year ago

Saltburn

"Surprised at all the nonsense responses on here.

She is your sister for gods sake and your child is her niece.

Do you trust your sister so little?

You let her take your kid swimming (possibly) traveling in her car, walking in busy roads and all other manner of tho he where her poor judgement could leave your child dead.

Far too much Daily Mail reading if you ask me.

Obviously no children then or just a bloody minded attitude. Read your own post and then the op and ask yourself if any of yours is relevant, she never once said she didn't trust her sister.

But she has because she clearly doesn't trust her sister's judgement"

Not clearly at all, she doesn't say that. What if her sister is called away urgently? Should she then trust the guy who she doesn't know? Can her sister go take a shower and leave the kids with this guy? That is her question, it is not about trusting her sister. Can anyone be sure that any new guy in our life is completely telling the truth. I refer to my earlier post regarding my sister.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Talk to her about it. Unless I'd met and known the bf for a long time then I'd maybe tell her because I don't really know her bf that I don't want the wee ones with him over night. My sister and her bf of 4years (lived together since january and I went to school with him) have our son on a regular basis of maybe once a month over night, after worrying with how our son would react he now calls her bf uncle and is a part of the family. Had they been together a short time I would have voiced my concerns to my sister as I would hope she would do with me if I was to have a bf she didn't trust/know.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"OP, as all the sensible advice above says, trust your instincts.

Or try this:

On a family day out take him to one side and say'You don't really want my kids staying over do you?'

He will either say

A. Fuck No!I want to bang your sister all night (while thinking of you?) and I don't want them walking in on us. In which case he's sound.

B. He will politely say 'of course. It would be lovely' in which case he is probably OK but your sister ain't having that much fun.

Or C. He will say he loves kids and start doing his Mr Tumble routine.

That's when you run. "

This made me laugh. Mr Tumble indeed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

honesty best policy you have a right to show concern for your childs wellbieng talk to her tactfully best way doesn't create

shit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you need to trust that your sister would look after your child regardless if she is with someone or not. You have trusted her in the past after all.

However, as a parent I would always say trust your instinct, if it doesn't feel right then don't do it & tell her your concerns ~ I feel you would owe her that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Surprised at all the nonsense responses on here.

She is your sister for gods sake and your child is her niece.

Do you trust your sister so little?

You let her take your kid swimming (possibly) traveling in her car, walking in busy roads and all other manner of tho he where her poor judgement could leave your child dead.

Far too much Daily Mail reading if you ask me.

Obviously no children then or just a bloody minded attitude. Read your own post and then the op and ask yourself if any of yours is relevant, she never once said she didn't trust her sister.

But she has because she clearly doesn't trust her sister's judgement"

Lots of people choose the wrong person

All because her sister is going out with him that does not make him safe

I love and trust my sister but that does not mean if she started dating a guy I would leave my child with him

I wouldn't leave my kids with a guy I was dating untill I knew him really well

That does not mean I don't trust my own judgement it just means untill I know somebody my kids come first

It's easy to put on a show and seem nice when you first meet somebody, but at the end of the day sometimes people do turn out to be different to what they first seems

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Surprised at all the nonsense responses on here.

She is your sister for gods sake and your child is her niece.

Do you trust your sister so little?

You let her take your kid swimming (possibly) traveling in her car, walking in busy roads and all other manner of tho he where her poor judgement could leave your child dead.

Far too much Daily Mail reading if you ask me.

Obviously no children then or just a bloody minded attitude. Read your own post and then the op and ask yourself if any of yours is relevant, she never once said she didn't trust her sister.

But she has because she clearly doesn't trust her sister's judgement

Surely her sister's judgement is that the guy is safe around kids...so If she doesn't trust the guy she doesn't trust her sister's judgement.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I think you are being over cautious.

I cannot imagine your sister wanting to put her own nephew in harms way.

The tabloid press has done a great job of degrading traditional family bonds and trust.

They have created a society filled with paranoia and fear.

That said, if you are uneasy, what about a compromise.

I agree with this. They are your children, you do what you think is right. I don't think the above posters suggestion is unreasonable and if your sister loves your kids as much as she seems to, then she'd understand.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Surprised at all the nonsense responses on here.

She is your sister for gods sake and your child is her niece.

Do you trust your sister so little?

You let her take your kid swimming (possibly) traveling in her car, walking in busy roads and all other manner of tho he where her poor judgement could leave your child dead.

Far too much Daily Mail reading if you ask me.

Obviously no children then or just a bloody minded attitude. Read your own post and then the op and ask yourself if any of yours is relevant, she never once said she didn't trust her sister.

But she has because she clearly doesn't trust her sister's judgement

Lots of people choose the wrong person

All because her sister is going out with him that does not make him safe

I love and trust my sister but that does not mean if she started dating a guy I would leave my child with him

I wouldn't leave my kids with a guy I was dating untill I knew him really well

That does not mean I don't trust my own judgement it just means untill I know somebody my kids come first

It's easy to put on a show and seem nice when you first meet somebody, but at the end of the day sometimes people do turn out to be different to what they first seems

But you say you trust your sister but you don't trust her judgement. So you don't trust your sister.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Surprised at all the nonsense responses on here.

She is your sister for gods sake and your child is her niece.

Do you trust your sister so little?

You let her take your kid swimming (possibly) traveling in her car, walking in busy roads and all other manner of tho he where her poor judgement could leave your child dead.

Far too much Daily Mail reading if you ask me.

Obviously no children then or just a bloody minded attitude. Read your own post and then the op and ask yourself if any of yours is relevant, she never once said she didn't trust her sister.

But she has because she clearly doesn't trust her sister's judgement

Lots of people choose the wrong person

All because her sister is going out with him that does not make him safe

I love and trust my sister but that does not mean if she started dating a guy I would leave my child with him

I wouldn't leave my kids with a guy I was dating untill I knew him really well

That does not mean I don't trust my own judgement it just means untill I know somebody my kids come first

It's easy to put on a show and seem nice when you first meet somebody, but at the end of the day sometimes people do turn out to be different to what they first seems

But you say you trust your sister but you don't trust her judgement. So you don't trust your sister."

If that's how you see it

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By *awty MaxWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

In my opinion it is not about the sisters judgement. The OP trusts her sister am sure but the OP also knows that her sister is not a mind reader and that people don't have 'nutter' written on their forehead.

She doesn't know the guy and its natural as a mother that she wonders what's the best course of action to a situation she's uneasy about

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Surprised at all the nonsense responses on here.

She is your sister for gods sake and your child is her niece.

Do you trust your sister so little?

You let her take your kid swimming (possibly) traveling in her car, walking in busy roads and all other manner of tho he where her poor judgement could leave your child dead.

Far too much Daily Mail reading if you ask me.

Obviously no children then or just a bloody minded attitude. Read your own post and then the op and ask yourself if any of yours is relevant, she never once said she didn't trust her sister.

But she has because she clearly doesn't trust her sister's judgement

Surely her sister's judgement is that the guy is safe around kids...so If she doesn't trust the guy she doesn't trust her sister's judgement."

quite.

too much tabloid thinking round here.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Surprised at all the nonsense responses on here.

She is your sister for gods sake and your child is her niece.

Do you trust your sister so little?

You let her take your kid swimming (possibly) traveling in her car, walking in busy roads and all other manner of tho he where her poor judgement could leave your child dead.

Far too much Daily Mail reading if you ask me.

Obviously no children then or just a bloody minded attitude. Read your own post and then the op and ask yourself if any of yours is relevant, she never once said she didn't trust her sister.

But she has because she clearly doesn't trust her sister's judgement

Lots of people choose the wrong person

All because her sister is going out with him that does not make him safe

I love and trust my sister but that does not mean if she started dating a guy I would leave my child with him

I wouldn't leave my kids with a guy I was dating untill I knew him really well

That does not mean I don't trust my own judgement it just means untill I know somebody my kids come first

It's easy to put on a show and seem nice when you first meet somebody, but at the end of the day sometimes people do turn out to be different to what they first seems

But you say you trust your sister but you don't trust her judgement. So you don't trust your sister."

She doesn't have to trust her sisters judgement. She has to trust her own, and right now she doesn't know the guy enough to do that.

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman
over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!

do you not trust your sisters judgement ?"

. I can understand where you're coming from,but I think you need to trust in your sister's choice of man.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Surprised at all the nonsense responses on here.

She is your sister for gods sake and your child is her niece.

Do you trust your sister so little?

You let her take your kid swimming (possibly) traveling in her car, walking in busy roads and all other manner of tho he where her poor judgement could leave your child dead.

Far too much Daily Mail reading if you ask me.

Obviously no children then or just a bloody minded attitude. Read your own post and then the op and ask yourself if any of yours is relevant, she never once said she didn't trust her sister.

But she has because she clearly doesn't trust her sister's judgement

Lots of people choose the wrong person

All because her sister is going out with him that does not make him safe

I love and trust my sister but that does not mean if she started dating a guy I would leave my child with him

I wouldn't leave my kids with a guy I was dating untill I knew him really well

That does not mean I don't trust my own judgement it just means untill I know somebody my kids come first

It's easy to put on a show and seem nice when you first meet somebody, but at the end of the day sometimes people do turn out to be different to what they first seems

But you say you trust your sister but you don't trust her judgement. So you don't trust your sister.

If that's how you see it"

Have you never let your kids go to another kids sleepover without doing full background checks on the parents?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Surprised at all the nonsense responses on here.

She is your sister for gods sake and your child is her niece.

Do you trust your sister so little?

You let her take your kid swimming (possibly) traveling in her car, walking in busy roads and all other manner of tho he where her poor judgement could leave your child dead.

Far too much Daily Mail reading if you ask me.

Obviously no children then or just a bloody minded attitude. Read your own post and then the op and ask yourself if any of yours is relevant, she never once said she didn't trust her sister.

But she has because she clearly doesn't trust her sister's judgement

Lots of people choose the wrong person

All because her sister is going out with him that does not make him safe

I love and trust my sister but that does not mean if she started dating a guy I would leave my child with him

I wouldn't leave my kids with a guy I was dating untill I knew him really well

That does not mean I don't trust my own judgement it just means untill I know somebody my kids come first

It's easy to put on a show and seem nice when you first meet somebody, but at the end of the day sometimes people do turn out to be different to what they first seems

But you say you trust your sister but you don't trust her judgement. So you don't trust your sister.

She doesn't have to trust her sisters judgement. She has to trust her own, and right now she doesn't know the guy enough to do that."

So she doesn't trust her sister then. Some families are like that i guess.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Surprised at all the nonsense responses on here.

She is your sister for gods sake and your child is her niece.

Do you trust your sister so little?

You let her take your kid swimming (possibly) traveling in her car, walking in busy roads and all other manner of tho he where her poor judgement could leave your child dead.

Far too much Daily Mail reading if you ask me.

Obviously no children then or just a bloody minded attitude. Read your own post and then the op and ask yourself if any of yours is relevant, she never once said she didn't trust her sister.

But she has because she clearly doesn't trust her sister's judgement

Lots of people choose the wrong person

All because her sister is going out with him that does not make him safe

I love and trust my sister but that does not mean if she started dating a guy I would leave my child with him

I wouldn't leave my kids with a guy I was dating untill I knew him really well

That does not mean I don't trust my own judgement it just means untill I know somebody my kids come first

It's easy to put on a show and seem nice when you first meet somebody, but at the end of the day sometimes people do turn out to be different to what they first seems

But you say you trust your sister but you don't trust her judgement. So you don't trust your sister.

If that's how you see it

Have you never let your kids go to another kids sleepover without doing full background checks on the parents?"

I guess some people have caught tabloid paranoia.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You never ever know who someone is or what their agenda is. I lived next door to a quiet unassuming old married couple for 6 years. One day their house got raided and he was carted off to prison for possession of indecent images of children. He served 3 years.

Yes, it's probably nothing for the OP to worry about, the chap could be lovely. But likewise, there is always a chance he might not be, and surely asking to meet him first to get to know him etc is not unreasonable.

I'm sure my neighbours wife thought her husband was the dogs bollocks, but clearly her judgement wasn't great.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I guess at the end of the day op, if you have to ask complete strangers then you clearly aren't happy so don't do it. It doesn't matter that anyone thinks you are overreacting. I can only go by own family. And i trust them implicitly. Some can't. And that is very sad. Go with your gut.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Surprised at all the nonsense responses on here.

She is your sister for gods sake and your child is her niece.

Do you trust your sister so little?

You let her take your kid swimming (possibly) traveling in her car, walking in busy roads and all other manner of tho he where her poor judgement could leave your child dead.

Far too much Daily Mail reading if you ask me.

Obviously no children then or just a bloody minded attitude. Read your own post and then the op and ask yourself if any of yours is relevant, she never once said she didn't trust her sister.

But she has because she clearly doesn't trust her sister's judgement

Lots of people choose the wrong person

All because her sister is going out with him that does not make him safe

I love and trust my sister but that does not mean if she started dating a guy I would leave my child with him

I wouldn't leave my kids with a guy I was dating untill I knew him really well

That does not mean I don't trust my own judgement it just means untill I know somebody my kids come first

It's easy to put on a show and seem nice when you first meet somebody, but at the end of the day sometimes people do turn out to be different to what they first seems

But you say you trust your sister but you don't trust her judgement. So you don't trust your sister.

If that's how you see it

Have you never let your kids go to another kids sleepover without doing full background checks on the parents?"

Honestly my kids have never slept over at a friend's house

I'm not saying I'm right I'm really not that arrogant to suggest all because I view something my way it's the right way but for me we are only human and sometimes we meet people only to find out they aren't what we thought, and I don't just mean partners it can happen in all walks of life, to me that does not mean we have bad judgement it just means some people are clever at manipulating their character to make you believe what they want you to and we can all fall for it

I also don't think everybody I meet is a 'bad 'un'

It just means they have to earn my trust and untill they have the i keep those dear to me close

Just as I wouldn't expect anybody I had just met to trust me with their kids

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Surprised at all the nonsense responses on here.

She is your sister for gods sake and your child is her niece.

Do you trust your sister so little?

You let her take your kid swimming (possibly) traveling in her car, walking in busy roads and all other manner of tho he where her poor judgement could leave your child dead.

Far too much Daily Mail reading if you ask me.

Obviously no children then or just a bloody minded attitude. Read your own post and then the op and ask yourself if any of yours is relevant, she never once said she didn't trust her sister.

But she has because she clearly doesn't trust her sister's judgement

Lots of people choose the wrong person

All because her sister is going out with him that does not make him safe

I love and trust my sister but that does not mean if she started dating a guy I would leave my child with him

I wouldn't leave my kids with a guy I was dating untill I knew him really well

That does not mean I don't trust my own judgement it just means untill I know somebody my kids come first

It's easy to put on a show and seem nice when you first meet somebody, but at the end of the day sometimes people do turn out to be different to what they first seems

But you say you trust your sister but you don't trust her judgement. So you don't trust your sister.

She doesn't have to trust her sisters judgement. She has to trust her own, and right now she doesn't know the guy enough to do that.

So she doesn't trust her sister then. Some families are like that i guess."

Well OP hasn't said that. But sometimes it's not about trusting other people, it's about trusting your own judgement. OP has said something has just made her not trusting strangers around her kids.

So now she has to trust her own judgement because she is taking her responsibility for her kids on herself, it's ok to do that. It's what she wanted to do, maybe she'll change her mind but you can't force that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have a colleague that checks up where her teenage daughters are having sleepovers.

She seems content to let them stay in bigger more expensive houses but stops her kids staying in places she regards as 'a bit rough'

As we all know paedophilia is purely the domain of the lower classes and if you have a 5 bed house and a BMW, you are way more capable of looking after a teen than someone in a 2 bed terrace who catches a bus to work.

Pure snobbery at work right there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You never ever know who someone is or what their agenda is. I lived next door to a quiet unassuming old married couple for 6 years. One day their house got raided and he was carted off to prison for possession of indecent images of children. He served 3 years.

I'm sure my neighbours wife thought her husband was the dogs bollocks, but clearly her judgement wasn't great.

but on that basis you would never let your children out of your sight as who knows what evil they might encounter. in fact you shouldn't even leave them with your partner as they might be hiding something from you.....

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By *ilthyjackcoupleCouple
over a year ago

Swansea

All those saying that there's a paedophile on every corner, let's put this into perspective.

One in six children with be sexually assaulted or abused in some way by the time they reach 16 years old.

40% of abusers are men.

30% of abusers are women

The remaining 30% of abusers are made up of other children.

Sources from the Stop It Now campaign run by the Lucy Faithful foundation.

So, that would make, in my children's school alone, 120 children that will be abused.

We know that abusers tend to have more than one victim.. so lets say there are 60 abusers. In one small geographical area. There's at leasta dozen schools in a five mile radius. .. how many more abusers?

So no. There isn't a paedophile on every corner. Oh no. They are in our homes, our immediate families. They are our fathers, our sisters, our uncles and aunts, our own children.

So yes OP, I'd be concerned.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm sure my neighbours wife thought her husband was the dogs bollocks, but clearly her judgement wasn't great.

I'm a single mum

, and as far as I reasonably can, I don't let them out of my sight. And I make no apologies about that.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thankyou everyone for the feedback. To answer a recurring question; I do trust my sisters judgement, she is very level headed. This is why I am in the dilemma of am I worrying over nothing? My main worry is that I don't really know her new man and it instinctively feels wrong to leave my son with a virtual stranger, even though I know his auntie will be there and will look after him. It's very much heart over head I think.

I think I will follow the advice often given above; a day out all together to allow us to get to know each other and see how him and the children get on. Thanks again everyone x

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By *adyboy-DaddyCouple
over a year ago

Andover

[Removed by poster at 20/05/16 22:16:37]

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By *rincesscaracoupleCouple
over a year ago

Saltburn

"Thankyou everyone for the feedback. To answer a recurring question; I do trust my sisters judgement, she is very level headed. This is why I am in the dilemma of am I worrying over nothing? My main worry is that I don't really know her new man and it instinctively feels wrong to leave my son with a virtual stranger, even though I know his auntie will be there and will look after him. It's very much heart over head I think.

I think I will follow the advice often given above; a day out all together to allow us to get to know each other and see how him and the children get on. Thanks again everyone x"

Well glad I was able to give you the advice you found to be sound early on. Good luck and i am sure it will all work out but nothing wrong with being protective.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you don't have to just worry about peadophiles either. maybe he's no experience of kids and doesn't know how to look after one?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes. Absolutely clearly OP does not trust her sisters judgement. This is not a new BF but someone the sisters knows well.

the sister is right there with them. The chances of the child coming to harm travelling in the sisters car is far greater than that of the BF molesting the child under the sister nose. "

Nobody suggested the sister would allow the child to come to any harm

I'm not suggesting for a second this guy can't be trusted but if he did molest the child (and this is only theoretical) its likely he would wait till the sisters asleep

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By *erbyDalesCplCouple
over a year ago

Derbyshire

"All those saying that there's a paedophile on every corner, let's put this into perspective.

One in six children with be sexually assaulted or abused in some way by the time they reach 16 years old.

40% of abusers are men.

30% of abusers are women

The remaining 30% of abusers are made up of other children.

Sources from the Stop It Now campaign run by the Lucy Faithful foundation.

So, that would make, in my children's school alone, 120 children that will be abused.

So no. There isn't a paedophile on every corner. Oh no. They are in our homes, our immediate families. They are our fathers, our sisters, our uncles and aunts, our own children.

So yes OP, I'd be concerned. "

I don't tend to trust statistics estimated by charities who have a vested interest in scaremongering. Even the NSPCC quote 1 in 10 before giving some very interesting definitions that appears to imply "abuse" includes bullying, eg name-calling.

Last year, out of 11 million children, there were 23,000 cases of sexual abuse: that's nowhere near 1 in 6.

And since 90% of cases involve people the child knows and trusts, that should only reasssure the OP, since she doesn't know this man from Adam.

But sometimes you women need to put away the cotton wool, step back and look at yourselves:

"My sister has a new boyfriend, I wonder if he's a paedophile"

Seriously?

Mr ddc

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By *rincesscaracoupleCouple
over a year ago

Saltburn

"you don't have to just worry about peadophiles either. maybe he's no experience of kids and doesn't know how to look after one? "

There are many variations here, for one we don't know the guys age, if he has been married or has kids of his own. There are a lot of unknowns and unless we have all the facts the best advice really is for the op to get to know him better.

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By *erbyDalesCplCouple
over a year ago

Derbyshire

". maybe he's no experience of kids and doesn't know how to look after one? "

Neither did we, but, unbelievably, the hospital let us home with a new-born baby. I never quite believed that.

A five year old isn't too hard to deal with.

Mr.ddc

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"All those saying that there's a paedophile on every corner, let's put this into perspective.

One in six children with be sexually assaulted or abused in some way by the time they reach 16 years old.

40% of abusers are men.

30% of abusers are women

The remaining 30% of abusers are made up of other children.

Sources from the Stop It Now campaign run by the Lucy Faithful foundation.

So, that would make, in my children's school alone, 120 children that will be abused.

So no. There isn't a paedophile on every corner. Oh no. They are in our homes, our immediate families. They are our fathers, our sisters, our uncles and aunts, our own children.

So yes OP, I'd be concerned.

Last year, out of 11 million children, there were 23,000 cases of sexual abuse: that's nowhere near 1 in 6.

And since 90% of cases involve people the child knows and trusts, that should only reasssure the OP, since she doesn't know this man from Adam.

But sometimes you women need to put away the cotton wool, step back and look at yourselves:

"My sister has a new boyfriend, I wonder if he's a paedophile"

Seriously?

Mr ddc"

Does not just have to be a paedophile, why does everybody assume it's got to be sexual abuse?

As I stated earlier I stopped my daugher going to her dads house because she was being bullied by his new family, I never thought for a second she would be sexually abused but abuse is abuse and I'm not sending my child anywhere to be hit and that includes her dads home

It does not have to be sexual

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By *rincesscaracoupleCouple
over a year ago

Saltburn

"And since 90% of cases involve people the child knows and trusts, that should only reasssure the OP, since she doesn't know this man from Adam."

And surely that is her concern, the child will come to know this man if he is allowed to sleep in the same house where the op will still not know him. Therefore my early advice stands, get to know him as a family before trusting him completely where your child is concerned.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Has the child been around him at all? I would be the same with mine if they didnt know him and would be sleeping in the same house. But thrn my kids arent comfortable with strangers.

Maybe they should go out for the day but say not a sleepover cause you have something planned the next morning.

Going forward make the effort to get to know him and put your mind at ease. Xx

Your not being crazy your kids are your kids and you protect them from everything even just a minor unsociable person.

It does sound strange that you dont know him if they are living together but your close?

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By *erbyDalesCplCouple
over a year ago

Derbyshire

"Mr ddc

Does not just have to be a paedophile, why does everybody assume it's got to be sexual abuse?

It does not have to be sexual "

Except most other cases won't leave life-long trauma. Your child was being hit, you dealt with it, in all probability there is no longterm issue for your child.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And since 90% of cases involve people the child knows and trusts, that should only reasssure the OP, since she doesn't know this man from Adam.

I'm no expert but I reckon that if this guy is the predatory paedophile some think he must be he'd have been looking for single mothers to prey on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And since 90% of cases involve people the child knows and trusts, that should only reasssure the OP, since she doesn't know this man from Adam.

That figure's high because we tend not to trust strangers with our kids. It's only when you trust people to go near your kids, especially if you're not with them, that any abuse is likely to happen. Abusers tend not to abuse openly.

I used to use that argument about kids being abused by those closest to them but that argument doesn't makes sense when you know why that happens.

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By *rincesscaracoupleCouple
over a year ago

Saltburn

"Has the child been around him at all? I would be the same with mine if they didnt know him and would be sleeping in the same house. But thrn my kids arent comfortable with strangers.

Maybe they should go out for the day but say not a sleepover cause you have something planned the next morning.

Going forward make the effort to get to know him and put your mind at ease. Xx

Your not being crazy your kids are your kids and you protect them from everything even just a minor unsociable person.

It does sound strange that you dont know him if they are living together but your close?"

In another life my husband met and married his ex wife after knowing each other 6 weeks so not so strange. They were married nearly 14 years too!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Mr ddc

Does not just have to be a paedophile, why does everybody assume it's got to be sexual abuse?

It does not have to be sexual

Except most other cases won't leave life-long trauma. Your child was being hit, you dealt with it, in all probability there is no longterm issue for your child."

I'm 42 and still got issues from being abused as a child. Only just understanding them fully now. You don't even have to be hit to be abused either and get issues although i was, but mental manipulation is the biggest headfuck i've ever had and seems worse than the actual physical abuse i endured. At least with physical abuse you know what's going on and that the person hates you and is wrong to hit you. Mental abuse you tend not to know what's going on and think something is wrong with you because you're trusting and they make you think there is something wrong with you to get away with what they're doing to you.

So, imo, any abuse where you are blamed for it is the one that causes the most damage.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How the hell did any of us actually have sex and produce children with all this fear and worry?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And my best mate has been sexually abused as a child by her carers. She is 37 and still has issues.

Abuse that comes from those who are supposed to care for you is also damaging.

It seems likely that all abuse is damaging and has long lasting effects and not everyone gets over it all.

Although some find ways to cope, like shutting down or using avoidance or therapy if you're lucky enough to get a decent therapist who gets you.

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By *erbyDalesCplCouple
over a year ago

Derbyshire

"Mr ddc

Does not just have to be a paedophile, why does everybody assume it's got to be sexual abuse?

It does not have to be sexual

Except most other cases won't leave life-long trauma. Your child was being hit, you dealt with it, in all probability there is no longterm issue for your child.

So, imo, any abuse where you are blamed for it is the one that causes the most damage."

Except we're talking about a sleepover here, not living with him. Any sensible parent would realise if something was up when, the next time a sleepover was suggested, the child declined. And that's assuming the parent didn't discover it as soon as the child came home:

"Did you have fun?" Either "Yay, when can I go again" or mumbled silence...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

At the end of the day

sorry I had to say it

We bring our kids up as we see fit, we are responsible for our children and ultimately we make dissision for them

All we can do is our best and we will all fuck up along the way, even those who would have us believe they are perfect parents, there is no such things most of us just make it up as we go along

If people feel comfortable having their kids round new people that's fine, if people don't that's also fine, you do what's best for you

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By *erbyDalesCplCouple
over a year ago

Derbyshire

"And my best mate has been sexually abused as a child by her carers. She is 37 and still has issues.

Abuse that comes from those who are supposed to care for you is also damaging.

It seems likely that all abuse is damaging and has long lasting effects and not everyone gets over it all.

Although some find ways to cope, like shutting down or using avoidance or therapy if you're lucky enough to get a decent therapist who gets you."

Many, probably the vast majority, just get on with their lives.

Kids are more resilient than you think.

(Although having my mum casually say a few years ago "I read an interview with John Hurt about your school, I wish we'd believed what you said at the time" was a bit of a dead-end conversation)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Mr ddc

Does not just have to be a paedophile, why does everybody assume it's got to be sexual abuse?

It does not have to be sexual

Except most other cases won't leave life-long trauma. Your child was being hit, you dealt with it, in all probability there is no longterm issue for your child.

So, imo, any abuse where you are blamed for it is the one that causes the most damage.

"Did you have fun?" Either "Yay, when can I go again" or mumbled silence..."

Abuse is not ok, end of.

Hurting or harming children is not ok.

If parents want to worry about their children then they can do that.

For some people it's not only a sleepover, it's worrying about their child for whatever reasons they want to do that. And that's ok. It's their kids and they can bring them up as they see fit so long as they care about them, and it's not abusive to not let your kids sleep in a house with a stranger.

It's not like the kid is being denied contact with the sister or anything extreme. This is a mum worrying about her child and trying something new. It's always worrying and people should be allowed to go at their own pace for these things.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"At the end of the day

sorry I had to say it

We bring our kids up as we see fit, we are responsible for our children and ultimately we make dissision for them

All we can do is our best and we will all fuck up along the way, even those who would have us believe they are perfect parents, there is no such things most of us just make it up as we go along

If people feel comfortable having their kids round new people that's fine, if people don't that's also fine, you do what's best for you "

ooh i read your mind.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 20/05/16 23:00:21]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And my best mate has been sexually abused as a child by her carers. She is 37 and still has issues.

Abuse that comes from those who are supposed to care for you is also damaging.

It seems likely that all abuse is damaging and has long lasting effects and not everyone gets over it all.

Although some find ways to cope, like shutting down or using avoidance or therapy if you're lucky enough to get a decent therapist who gets you.

Many, probably the vast majority, just get on with their lives.

Kids are more resilient than you think.

(Although having my mum casually say a few years ago "I read an interview with John Hurt about your school, I wish we'd believed what you said at the time" was a bit of a dead-end conversation)"

On the outside, to people who they don't know that well they are getting on with it yes. To those who care about them and they can confide in, no they're not always coping.

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By *erbyDalesCplCouple
over a year ago

Derbyshire

"Mr ddc

Does not just have to be a paedophile, why does everybody assume it's got to be sexual abuse?

It does not have to be sexual

Except most other cases won't leave life-long trauma. Your child was being hit, you dealt with it, in all probability there is no longterm issue for your child.

So, imo, any abuse where you are blamed for it is the one that causes the most damage.

"Did you have fun?" Either "Yay, when can I go again" or mumbled silence...

Abuse is not ok, end of.

Hurting or harming children is not ok.

If parents want to worry about their children then they can do that.

Ok.

I'll leave it there, since I clearly didn't say any of those things.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's your child use your own judgement and don't think you have to justify yourself to anyone x

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By *ark074Man
over a year ago

nottingham

"OP, as all the sensible advice above says, trust your instincts.

Or try this:

On a family day out take him to one side and say'You don't really want my kids staying over do you?'

He will either say

A. Fuck No!I want to bang your sister all night (while thinking of you?) and I don't want them walking in on us. In which case he's sound.

B. He will politely say 'of course. It would be lovely' in which case he is probably OK but your sister ain't having that much fun.

Or C. He will say he loves kids and start doing his Mr Tumble routine.

That's when you run.

This made me laugh. Mr Tumble indeed.

I was called a moron earlier for this.

Thank you Scarletstars for seeing the humour In what may have been a moronic post.

The only thing that matters is that the OP feels comfortable. I've been beaten round the head by my ex and all and sundry over such matters. In my opinion I'm a great dad and I hope, no I know my kids think the same, but I concede that only the mothers opinion is what matters. I wouldn't trust my kids alone with a 'children's entertainer', priest or scoutmaster.

Only a mother can decide what's right for her children. Assuming she's a good mother of course.

However if there's any doubt whatsoever my daughter can teach anyone young or old the ancient art of the 'willy punch'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"OP, as all the sensible advice above says, trust your instincts.

Or try this:

On a family day out take him to one side and say'You don't really want my kids staying over do you?'

He will either say

A. Fuck No!I want to bang your sister all night (while thinking of you?) and I don't want them walking in on us. In which case he's sound.

B. He will politely say 'of course. It would be lovely' in which case he is probably OK but your sister ain't having that much fun.

Or C. He will say he loves kids and start doing his Mr Tumble routine.

That's when you run.

This made me laugh. Mr Tumble indeed.

I was called a moron earlier for this.

Thank you Scarletstars for seeing the humour In what may have been a moronic post.

Only a mother can decide what's right for her children. Assuming she's a good mother of course.

However if there's any doubt whatsoever my daughter can teach anyone young or old the ancient art of the 'willy punch'. "

Mr Tumble is a Reading icon! I shouldn't say this but he was drinking alcohol in a hotel bar in Reading a few years ago after doing panto. We were there for a work Christmas party. Honestly, you'd have thought some of my friends had met Brad Pitt

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"OP, as all the sensible advice above says, trust your instincts.

Or try this:

On a family day out take him to one side and say'You don't really want my kids staying over do you?'

He will either say

A. Fuck No!I want to bang your sister all night (while thinking of you?) and I don't want them walking in on us. In which case he's sound.

B. He will politely say 'of course. It would be lovely' in which case he is probably OK but your sister ain't having that much fun.

Or C. He will say he loves kids and start doing his Mr Tumble routine.

That's when you run.

This made me laugh. Mr Tumble indeed.

I was called a moron earlier for this.

Thank you Scarletstars for seeing the humour In what may have been a moronic post.

Only a mother can decide what's right for her children. Assuming she's a good mother of course.

However if there's any doubt whatsoever my daughter can teach anyone young or old the ancient art of the 'willy punch'. "

I thought your comment earlier was funny

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Has the child been around him at all? I would be the same with mine if they didnt know him and would be sleeping in the same house. But thrn my kids arent comfortable with strangers.

Maybe they should go out for the day but say not a sleepover cause you have something planned the next morning.

Going forward make the effort to get to know him and put your mind at ease. Xx

Your not being crazy your kids are your kids and you protect them from everything even just a minor unsociable person.

It does sound strange that you dont know him if they are living together but your close?

In another life my husband met and married his ex wife after knowing each other 6 weeks so not so strange. They were married nearly 14 years too!!"

It happens but its not that common so to me yes its strange

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

It's most likely no issue but your emotions are important, so respect them. Work it through with her, so stuff happens when you're all good.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I always checked they had fire alarms when my children went on sleepovers X

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By *ouplefunukCouple
over a year ago

North Bristol

"Be honest with her. She's your sister and you sound close so i'm sure she'd appreciate you being honest.

If you don't know the guy, you're not questioning her judgement, it's not her judgement that you would use to keep your child safe, it's your own and you don't have enough knowledge to make that judgement right now.

Personally, I wouldn't send my young child anywhere without me, if I didn't know all parties concerned. If she gets offended, she owns and is responsible for those feelings, not you. Not your concern. Your child is.

*Her*

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By *amissCouple
over a year ago

chelmsford

No, would never leave my child in a house with someone I didn't personally know and trust, even with your sister there. Talk to your sister and be truthful, sounds like she would understand. If she is serious with him, then get to know him better, before you choose to leave your child with them. Good luck

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks everyone. It's been a bit of a whirlwind romance but I can see they are both in for the long haul. Busy lives has meant we haven't been free to see much of each other and this issue has highlighted that we should be making an effort to get to know the new man more.

Been really interesting to read all the different opinions expressed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There's some massively paranoid men around here.

I wouldn't leave my daughter overnight with a stranger in the house - male or female. It's simple common sense.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I always checked they had fire alarms when my children went on sleepovers X "

look up the stats for house fires and multiply that by the percentage of time your child wold spend in the house and the number you would get would be so close to zero as makes no difference.

did you also make sure they had co detectors a current gas safety certificate and all electrical equipment had been pat tested?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There's some massively paranoid men around here.

I wouldn't leave my daughter overnight with a stranger in the house - male or female. It's simple common sense."

Your first sentence I assume refers to yourself given your second sentence.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

[Removed by poster at 21/05/16 20:02:08]

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