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funniest abuse

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

after spending some time in the army....many years ago, we used to get shouted at lot and some of the abuse was funny.

my fave was..... i ll rip your head off poo down your neck and wipe my bum on your tongue....

i have cleaned this up so not to upset the ladies....

so whats the funniest abuse you have heard or been given???

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"after spending some time in the army....many years ago, we used to get shouted at lot and some of the abuse was funny.

my fave was..... i ll rip your head off poo down your neck and wipe my bum on your tongue....

i have cleaned this up so not to upset the ladies....

so whats the funniest abuse you have heard or been given???"

good job I get the jist

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rhats the cleaned up version?!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If I wanted any shit out of you I'd have squeezed your head

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

I had a friend who lost it at a beggar in Camberwell and ended up shouting at him:

"You can take that walking stick, shove it up your arse and fuck off while you're doing it!"

He was very angry.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

we got more but a 16stone sgt major is terrifying enough......used to sy in one ear out the other as nothing in head to stop it.....also got told in training, never physically abuse you but will mentally as we need to toughen you up....now when people lose tempr with me i just sit there with silly grin as i know i have had worse.....managers at work make me laugh a they think they are tough....

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 04/05/16 17:02:30]

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"If I wanted any shit out of you I'd have squeezed your head"

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

I used to work in a car park and got reasonably pally with one of the council inspectors, Martin.

One afternoon Martin was busy ticketing when an old gent came back, found a ticket on his windscreen and started up:

"We didn't fight the war so that Nazis like you could take over!"

To which Martin replied:

"Sir, I find that remark *highly* offensive - my grandfather died at Auschwitz!"

Humbled, the OAP got back in his car and drove off. As he did, Martin shouted after him:

"YEAH... HE FELL OFF A WATCH TOWER!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

'You look like you have strong opinions on the competitive starcraft scene'

To a young Asian man. To be fair he did ask for it, he posted a picture and asked people to roast him

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

From my gay best friend to me as a (very) fat woman walked past:

"You know, honey, glands be damned - there were no fat people in the concentration camps."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rock Ape regiment commander - "I'm beginning to wonder why your mother wiped you off the curtains and put you back!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I used to work in a car park and got reasonably pally with one of the council inspectors, Martin.

One afternoon Martin was busy ticketing when an old gent came back, found a ticket on his windscreen and started up:

"We didn't fight the war so that Nazis like you could take over!"

To which Martin replied:

"Sir, I find that remark *highly* offensive - my grandfather died at Auschwitz!"

Humbled, the OAP got back in his car and drove off. As he did, Martin shouted after him:

"YEAH... HE FELL OFF A WATCH TOWER!"

"

Very funny

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"From my gay best friend to me as a (very) fat woman walked past:

"You know, honey, glands be damned - there were no fat people in the concentration camps."

"

It's GLANDULAR!!!!!!!

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Last year the other half & I were sorting out our wills and got down to death and funerals and them some rather weird nitty-gritty.

She said that she would leave her organs to people who needed them. I said they could have whatever was left of me that was still working except for the corneas - have a bit of a thing about my eyes.

She shot back:

"Is that so you can see hell?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Last year the other half & I were sorting out our wills and got down to death and funerals and them some rather weird nitty-gritty.

She said that she would leave her organs to people who needed them. I said they could have whatever was left of me that was still working except for the corneas - have a bit of a thing about my eyes.

She shot back:

"Is that so you can see hell?"

"

There's nothing for you to see down here....

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By *piritsonfabCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham

I have to be a killjoy and admit I don't find that abuse funny

I don't insult people and i sure don't expect to be insulted.

It doesn't bother me, I just find it intensely childish.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Entire episodes of bad lads army!

When we calls him sarge

There's only one sarge in this mans army and that's a bloody sausage!

And if you massage the sausage you are calling me a wanker!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just had to watch it again one YouTube

I got the quote wrong but it's hilarious nonetheless.

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Brass Eye - Cocoa Shunter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWecQNH8puE

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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge


"after spending some time in the army....many years ago, we used to get shouted at lot and some of the abuse was funny.

my fave was..... i ll rip your head off poo down your neck and wipe my bum on your tongue....

i have cleaned this up so not to upset the ladies....

so whats the funniest abuse you have heard or been given???"

Fuck me! Ladies? You think we're all delicate little pixies? Lol

I like 'go take your face for a shit, cuntybollocks '.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

one guy, who i had blocked because he pestered me for meets but then he came off my blocklist when that broke and was able to message again, messaged me to ask why i never replied to him and he didn't want to meet now as i was a little bit too overweight for his liking.

another said i should call myself ignorant bitch (instead off affectionate bitch) i did actually consider that request. the fact that he was over my age ranges did not phase him at all.

yeah they made me laugh when i got those messages, can't remember the other insults i've had so they were probably shit anyway.

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

The most geeky bloke I have ever seen complained about the real ale being off in a pub one night. When the guv'nor told him to leave he screamed out at the top of his voice "I no longer respect your further existence on this planet!"

We were all gobsmacked.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"after spending some time in the army....many years ago, we used to get shouted at lot and some of the abuse was funny.

my fave was..... i ll rip your head off poo down your neck and wipe my bum on your tongue....

i have cleaned this up so not to upset the ladies....

so whats the funniest abuse you have heard or been given???

Fuck me! Ladies? You think we're all delicate little

pixies? Lol

Ooooh. You is so brash lol

I like 'go take your face for a shit, cuntybollocks '.

"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was commissioned, so the insults were tamer, or maybe it was just a Senior Service thing. Fond memories of "I am going to leave you in that stress position until your eyes bleed"

Also, to a somewhat fresh faced officer cadet "Does your mother know you're here?" Responded to, in all innocence and a voice Billy Bunter would have been proud of "Golly Staff, I think so. Why? Has she called?" Makes one proud to have been a Rupert!

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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge


"after spending some time in the army....many years ago, we used to get shouted at lot and some of the abuse was funny.

my fave was..... i ll rip your head off poo down your neck and wipe my bum on your tongue....

i have cleaned this up so not to upset the ladies....

so whats the funniest abuse you have heard or been given???

Fuck me! Ladies? You think we're all delicate little

pixies? Lol

Ooooh. You is so brash lol

I like 'go take your face for a shit, cuntybollocks '.

"

If you're gonna be abusive - go for the kill.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Ooooooh my ears hurt lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to work in police custody & once had a dirty sanitary item thrown at me ...with the lines of...."taste my blood bitch" nice! ...needless to say the shirt got ripped off & the entire custody office got a flash of my tits!

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"He looks as if someone sexually assaulted Yoda's corpse."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Look at me like that boy and I will massage your passage with my sausage!"

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By *he Original TTMan
over a year ago

Brackley, Northants

One that I used to someone that I didn't particularly get along with was "As an outsider, what *do* you think of the human race...?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She's got a face like a busted welly and teeth like a burnt fence.

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Posh and Becks, or Thick and Thin, as I like to refer to them

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By *ust RachelTV/TS
over a year ago

Horsham

I like

'I can't talk to you, you are a Neanderthal. Now go and get me some one who is at least homo sapien'

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By *errygTV/TS
over a year ago

denton

my mate was in a arguement, and the man said do you know who i am, reply why have you forgot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"my mate was in a arguement, and the man said do you know who i am, reply why have you forgot"

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