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Respect from a son(help needed)

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By *witch mix vanilla OP   Couple
over a year ago

Bolton

Please can some one give me idea's I'm getting desperate, coping with a stroppy kid who at 24 is more like a 16 year old teenager, yes he has difficulty understanding and grasping somethings because of his learning difficulties, but I have now been signed off for 2 weeks, from work, and his attitude is part of the reason, about a third. Any idea's how to communicate with him..

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By *rT30Man
over a year ago

Munster

At 24 and even with learning troubles he should be able to grasp the severity of the situation.

In my opinion (and i am open to correction) it is time to sit him down and have a serious no holes barred conversation. Tell him exactly how you feel and how it is affecting you personaly.

If that does'nt help at all you could tell him to close the front door on his way out!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"At 24 and even with learning troubles he should be able to grasp the severity of the situation.

In my opinion (and i am open to correction) it is time to sit him down and have a serious no holes barred conversation. Tell him exactly how you feel and how it is affecting you personaly.

If that does'nt help at all you could tell him to close the front door on his way out!"

it all depends on what is learning difficulties are

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By *witch mix vanilla OP   Couple
over a year ago

Bolton

Tried that, goes in one ear out the other, now driving me in sane, and it will mean that he has to cope on his own, i dont want to abandon him but he just cant see sense. xx

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By *witch mix vanilla OP   Couple
over a year ago

Bolton


"

In my opinion (and i am open to correction) it is time to sit him down

it all depends on what is learning difficulties are"

He cant reason very well, and cannot understand that mum is ill, as she looks normal and is not in hospital or in bed. He struggles to read and write, and does not understand responsibility.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

find this hard to get to grips with as of his age and he should have respect for his mum and not cause her any agony

i lived on my own since i was 15 and had to work to survive and its made me a stronger person

what he needs is a brush with reality to buck his ideas up he should be grateful your there for him as i had no one

But hun dont let it stress you out sometimes you got to be cruel to be kind xxxxxxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When my middle daughter went through a very brief phase of forgetting whose house she lived in, who paid all the bills and fed her, I made it quite plain that she was not being held hostage and she was free to leave at any time.

It worked for her, but you see, my house is not a democracy and I can run rough shod over their "human rights"!

Seriously, he's an adult, you can't let your adult child drive you insane. You end up giving yourself an ulcer he'll cope!

Not much help, sorry, but good luck x

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Firstly decide what rules need to be implemented - maybe some modifications to existing ones? It's important that he knows and respects your boundaries, some of which will concern/limit his behaviour.

Once you've got your rules/boundaries ready, then work out how best to educate him/enforce them.

There'll be a learning curve for new things, and he won't always appreciate the consequences of his actions upon other people, so this is why having consistent implementation of them is important, as well as for him to gain an understanding about what upsets you, or affects you in other ways. Some of this may appear to him as if you're speaking in Russian, or some other unintelligible foreign language, as his empathy skills are potentially diminished. You'll do your best to help him gain an understanding of how his actions affect you/others (and indirectly himself), but the key message is what is and what is not acceptable.

Whilst you're not feeling so great, it's going to be potentially harder for you to enforce your rules: but it will be worth if for your sanity and wellbeing.

These steps are needed because you're under the weather - so putting you first is important right now. I don't know what will help build you back up, and sustain you in the longer term, so clarify what will not only prevent you from being brought down further, but what will make you feel better, in all of the ways that you need and deserve to. This may include treating yourself, ensuring that you get some really positive, nourishing personal time: keep a plan and stick to it, so that you get what you need. If there is support that you can get from others, whether it's people backing you up, taking some of the load off your hands etc, then enlist this.

Good luck!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is there no professional help available ?

I feel for you I really do my cousin is autistic and although he's grown into a nice bloke with a degree and a good job his mother used ta be at her wits end sometimes

Good luck xx

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By *rT30Man
over a year ago

Munster

Agree with Charlie and Diesel

I was wild enough a few years back. In my midddle to late teens. However a few choice words from my old man and more importantly a heart to heart with my mother that all changed.

The worst thing a son can hear is he's mother say " I am dissapointed in you".

Don't give a fuck who you are those words are hard to take for any man!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is an easy one. Tell him that if he doesn't buckle up and make some changes in his life for the better of you both that every time he brings his mates round you'll embarrass him by walking around naked.

He'll either leave home, beat his mates up for leching over you and get nicked, or buckle up.

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By *witch mix vanilla OP   Couple
over a year ago

Bolton


"Agree with Charlie and Diesel

I was wild enough a few years back. In my midddle to late teens. However a few choice words from my old man and more importantly a heart to heart with my mother that all changed.

The worst thing a son can hear is he's mother say " I am dissapointed in you".

Don't give a fuck who you are those words are hard to take for any man!"

Slight problem with a word from the old man, his dad died when he was 16.

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By *rT30Man
over a year ago

Munster

Fair enough i did'nt realize that.

Then in my opinion he is pushing you to see how much he can get away with. He is trying to be the alpha in the house because of he's dad death maybe?

I am not a Doctor but i think you have to show a damn firm hand now. If it means showing him the door then so be it.

The hardest men in the world love their mothers enough to respect them and he should be no diffrent.

xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

In my opinion (and i am open to correction) it is time to sit him down

it all depends on what is learning difficulties are

He cant reason very well, and cannot understand that mum is ill, as she looks normal and is not in hospital or in bed. He struggles to read and write, and does not understand responsibility."

Depending on his condition can you not put him into respite for a couple of weeks? tell him it a holiday?

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By *herokee18Couple
over a year ago

Carlisle

Boundaries need to be set - today's society has eroded boundaries resulting in more PD behaviours.

utilise techniques used with Aspergers, short statement/ instructions precise and do not over load.

Take some time out for yourself and get some respite care / help.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't know the details but says your a couple couldn't your partner help you I know he's not the boys father but maybe that might help

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's no coincidence that he lost his dad at the age when he most needed him and his behavioural breakdown now.

Did he have a good relationship with his dad? Has he said much about him over the past 8 years? It could be an indicator.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He might need a male influence in his life

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When a relative was in a psychiatric unit I was at first horrified by the petty rules they seemed to impose. The the penny dropped, and it is just like the way you train a puppy! First you get the small things in order, "you must wash your cup after you have d*unk your tea - that sort of thing and once they are sticking to the rules on the little stuff you can start to impose the bigger more important ones.

With dog training, consistency is the rule - never ever make a rule and go back on it, as you will have a much bigger hill to climb.

Many sympathies on your plight, I hope you can get somewhere with him.

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By *witch mix vanilla OP   Couple
over a year ago

Bolton


"Don't know the details but says your a couple couldn't your partner help you I know he's not the boys father but maybe that might help"

My partner is trying to help as much as possible, and has spoken to him, but not working that well.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cher sent u a message about ur thread xxx

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By *ohnnyandfionaCouple
over a year ago

glasgow

maybe he has some issues you dont know about and needs help but dosent know how to ask

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By *ezebelWoman
over a year ago

North of The Wall - youll need your vest

Have you had a look at some of the websites like Mencap or Hft? Might be worth looking to see if they have any contact details for agencies or parent support groups or advice lines for people facing similar problems. There may be people who can have a quick 10 min chat on the phone and give you some pointers. Good luck.

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By *istress-MazikeenWoman
over a year ago

bolton

[Removed by poster at 01/03/11 19:40:14]

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By *witch mix vanilla OP   Couple
over a year ago

Bolton

Thank you to everyone who is helping me, and sent messages, its good to know that people are willing to help. x

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By *istress-MazikeenWoman
over a year ago

bolton

[Removed by poster at 01/03/11 19:39:53]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So sorry you are going through this.

Without knowing his condition, and I am no way medically trained, it's very difficult to advise you.

However, I will tell you what we did when one of our children (his naturally... I am the wicked stepmother lol!!) became unruley and downright disrespectful. We started to exercise 'tough love'.

It was a very hard thing to do, and it take some serious balls to do it! We stopped cooking/cleaning/washing clothes and tidying up after them. Some effect? Yes, but we were still getting grief. We upped the toughness by refusing to buy basic everyday things for them, all along reminding ourselves over and over again that they had a bed to sleep in at night and food in the cupboards if they were to feel the need to get off their arse and do something for themselves.

We finally got a result when we sat down and informed them calmly that they were about to lose the privilege of living under a rent free roof if at the age of 21 (5 years after leaving education) they couldn't get out of the house and earn a living. We so know that if threatening to chuck them out was our first conversation, we wouldn't have been taken seriously.... we had already built the path to them taking notice by being able to say "this ain't a threat, this is a promise... you've already noticed the changes in our attitude towards you".

That's our experience, maybe this is your answer, maybe it is far from it. Maybe someone else gives you the right advice in helping you. All I can say now is good luck, thinking of you xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Have you had a look at some of the websites like Mencap or Hft? Might be worth looking to see if they have any contact details for agencies or parent support groups or advice lines for people facing similar problems. There may be people who can have a quick 10 min chat on the phone and give you some pointers. Good luck.

"

I worked in this field for 8 years and know how difficult things can be.

Dependant on his "difficulties" ?

Mencap is ideally placed and he maybe can get a "befriender" ?

Or ....

Checking whats available in your own area for support.

He maybe needs to be assessed which social services can help with and point you in the right direction. regardless how old he is .

good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Besides seeking out professional help on how to deal with the situation emotionally, have them look at diet and sleep patterns too.

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By *heWolfMan
over a year ago

warwickshire

Sit him down and say "One of these days, I'll be dead. Gone. Finished. Worm-food. And you'll be on your own, sunshine, and you'll sit there alone, in the dark, and you'll regret being such a little shit, you'll think back to every time you were a pain in the arse, and you'll realise you've hastened me to the grave. Then you'll wish with all your heart that you could go back and change things, but that won't be possible.

You'll even pray to God to just be able to say once to your poor old Mum that you are sorry and you loved her, but again, you'll never be able to do it, the pain will gnaw away at your soul till the day you drop dead yourself. The nights are long and black when you are full of regret. Now, sit down and man the fuck up, make me proud of you, not wish that I'd scraped you out with a coat hanger 25 years ago, you obnoxious little smear of shit."

Then go to bed and let him think on that one.

Or beat him with a rubber hose until he learns the error of his ways.

Extracts from The Wolf's Guide to Successful Parenting, coming soon to a bargain bin (or possibly just a bin) near you.

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By *ngieandMrManCouple
over a year ago

hereford

I'm glad someone else mentioned puppy/dog training because as unlikely as it may seem the same principals can be applied which is quite simply, reward good behaviour and ignore bad behaviour. But the key to this is absolute consistency.

Out of my 4 children the two boys both hit the 'challenge dad' around their mid teens, perhaps your son is in this phase but at a later point in terms of years?

True respect is never given freely, it has to be earned even by parents of children. The idea that respect should just be given freely because its the parent, personally I think is just wishful thinking. I do not mean that as a derogative comment towards the OP but children will use their parents to test their own strength.

Often the problem is this... a puppy/dog/child that is behaving itself seems not to need attention and so it tends to be ignored. When it misbehaves it does get attention, so this is how dogs train their owners and children train their parents. It's all the wrong way around but so easily happens by default!

Another reason that you might adopt a dog training type approach is as you say 'he has difficulty reasoning'... dogs are incapable of 'reason', you cannot 'explain' anything to them and they have no morals!

Perhaps look at it this way... When you get what you want from your son 'pay' for it with some sort of reward, when you get what you don't want DON'T pay for it. No conversation is required, no reasoning is required, he just needs to learn the good behaviour is rewarding.

Best of luck to you

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By *he_original_poloWoman
over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

You may not like what I am about to type... but it is done in your best interest.

If these are his learning difficulties.... I assume they are as they were in reply to someone saying "it depends what his learning difficulties are" :


"

He cant reason very well, and cannot understand that mum is ill, as she looks normal and is not in hospital or in bed. He struggles to read and write, and does not understand responsibility."

Trying to reason with him to get him to take responsibility will drive you insane, what else did you expect it to do?... because you have already said those are part of his learning difficulties... asking him, pleading with him and expecting him to change is like telling someone with memory loss that you are tired of reminding them, so they had better just stop forgetting.

No single conversation will do it.

Get on google and start looking for organisations and charities which can help train you in techniques to help him change his behaviour and for you to change your expectations.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you tried your gp, councillors or restbite care depending on his learning difficulties. Ps its not a cop out to ask for help

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Please can some one give me idea's I'm getting desperate, coping with a stroppy kid who at 24 is more like a 16 year old teenager, yes he has difficulty understanding and grasping somethings because of his learning difficulties, but I have now been signed off for 2 weeks, from work, and his attitude is part of the reason, about a third. Any idea's how to communicate with him.."

if he has learning difficulties is there not qualified help out there for you?

i wouldnt even begin to give advice on a subject i have no understanding of

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