FabSwingers.com forum: Loneliness of the thinker

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

People often comment on how deep many of my thought processes are, and how I tend to analyse (and in some peoples opinion - whatever they measure it against) over-analyse many topics. I believe its generally a positive to be a thinker, but often find myself isolated from those around me - they don't get me, and I'm not drawn to them.

This isn't so much about dating though, it's about swinging. There was a time when I seemed to find a good number of women I was both physically and mentally attracted to in the scene, but for reasons I don't know (perhaps I don't realise my own needs have changed, and am fallaciously comparing the mind I have now to the one I had 7-8 years ago - the kind I liked haven't gone, I just don't feel them any more, I don't know).

Yet it really does feel like the site has changed, sure, we have young intelligent swingers on here, but they're from a different generation, and the ones of my own have grown older, perhaps moved onto the next stages of their lives.

It just sort of feels like being left alone at what was once a packed party, now you're sat at an empty table, covered in empty Styrofoam cups of partly finished drinks, looking at an empty dance floor, the only sound that of the cleaner clattering about, putting folding tables up corners and occasionally coughing.

...doesn't sound like something a guy who's avatar is his erect penis with his username emblazoned upon it would think does it?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ok, was there a question in all that musing?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

There is a zeitgeist, all things go in phases and cycles I believe and we have to move with them. That party is no good to you now - you need to find a new and better place.

I like to think deeply - those who refuse to irritate me eventually, a mind is like a muscle, use it, or watch it atrophy.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

We all go through different phases and cycles in our life. Ive entered a new phase not long ago, it was out my comfort zone but now im using it to enhance my life.

If your not happy only you can change things

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"There is a zeitgeist, all things go in phases and cycles I believe and we have to move with them. That party is no good to you now - you need to find a new and better place.

I like to think deeply - those who refuse to irritate me eventually, a mind is like a muscle, use it, or watch it atrophy."

In a way I have Frisky, and it's giving me a sense of satisfaction and genuine personal worth (not the chest beating and egotistical kind) which I've rarely felt before, my only concern is whether or not I have the drive, intelligence and talent to succeed in this new chapter of my life, time will tell...

However, despite this, I still feel a gaping hole where my emotional and sexual needs are. I'm not one of these hopelessly shy guys (I can be rather awkward, which I attribute to my Autism, but time and experience has taught me that in several ways I can make up for this through using my strange sense of humour to fill in the gaps with little nuggets of charm), I just find it difficult to meet people who I can truly be myself with - sure, I've met a lot lately in the real world due to my new occupation, and inevitably get on like a house on fire with them, it's just not for sexual and romantic experiences - I need affection as well as friendship.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Friendship can sometimes become more. Can it not ?

Sometimes if you try to find something. You won't. Just let it happen naturally. Too much thinking can be detrimental. Switch it off sometimes and relax.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Friendship can sometimes become more. Can it not ?

Sometimes if you try to find something. You won't. Just let it happen naturally. Too much thinking can be detrimental. Switch it off sometimes and relax. "

You say it as though it's as simple as turning a light on or off, the human mind is a lot more complicated than that.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

The "party" has certainly changed for me over the last few years, I wanted to experience everything this life style had to offer and now that I have I am quite content with my lot right now. I don't try to analyse it too much, I just know that for now I am happy and content just looking through the widow and watching other people enjoy their "party"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I was in high school I had a period of time where I was feeling a bit negative and depressed because I was over analyzing everything. One of my best friends told me something I've never forgotten. He said that overthinking is bad for you - first it makes your head hurt, and second you make yourself believe bad things.

Now, I'm not saying that thinking is bad, I actually think his words had more to do with the fact that at the time I was depressed enough to think that Hobbesian and Machiavellian political philosophy were the way forward

But what I am saying is that sometimes even people who are prone to overthinking may have to learn to let that go a bit and just enjoy. Whether that be in love, friendship, or any other aspect of life.

Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that thought and intelligence should be something you compromise on, but sometimes really thinking about something can lead to the conclusion that too much thought makes you believe bad things.

I hope you understand what I'm saying, I'm not sure i've presented it as well as I could have.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you overthink anything you will eventually come up with the negatives. Yes sure the big things in life do need extra thought but sometimes just not thinking and just doing works fantastically well. I don't think true happiness will ever be found by thinking too deeply about everything.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For me, thinking leads to overthinking which in turn leads to anxiety and eventually sleepless nights... It's a vicious circle of wondering whether I will ever get back on track and the answer is almost always a resounding no!

My answer would be don't do it to yourself ... Take the road more travelled ... Join the ratrace and embrace the possibilities... What harm can it do?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"When I was in high school I had a period of time where I was feeling a bit negative and depressed because I was over analyzing everything. One of my best friends told me something I've never forgotten. He said that overthinking is bad for you - first it makes your head hurt, and second you make yourself believe bad things.

I hope you understand what I'm saying, I'm not sure i've presented it as well as I could have."

I once read an Ernest Hemmingway saying

'A happy intelligent man is the rarest thing I know'

Or words to such effect - mind though, you have to ask that if you're not happy, how intelligent are you really?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that thought and intelligence should be something you compromise on, but sometimes really thinking about som"ething can lead to the conclusion that too much thought makes you believe bad things.

I hope you understand what I'm saying, I'm not sure i've presented it as well as I could have.

I once read an Ernest Hemmingway saying

'A happy intelligent man is the rarest thing I know'

Or words to such effect - mind though, you have to ask that if you're not happy, how intelligent are you really?t"
why? I dont know anyone whose unhappy just because they are intelligent. I do find some intelligent people are a bit quirky

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy, you can be intelligent and happy, and just because Hemingway said it was rare that doesn't make it fact.

Search out people who are more intelligent than you, befriend them and see what happens.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok, was there a question in all that musing? "

Why does there have to be a question?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hope you understand what I'm saying, I'm not sure i've presented it as well as I could have.

I once read an Ernest Hemmingway saying

'A happy intelligent man is the rarest thing I know'

Or words to such effect - mind though, you have to ask that if you're not happy, how intelligent are you really?twhy? I dont know anyone whose unhappy just because they are intelligent. I do find some intelligent people are a bit quirky"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

I hope you understand what I'm saying, I'm not sure i've presented it as well as I could have.

I once read an Ernest Hemmingway saying

'A happy intelligent man is the rarest thing I know'

I can't speak for SB, but just to clarify my post, I think you can be intelligent and happy. It's more the over analyzing of everything that can lead to unhappiness. Over thinking can be good in some ways and awful in others. If it's leading to unhappiness then it might be good to chill out a bit."
and surely if they where that intelligent and unhappy because they overthink things they would have the ability to change things

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"and surely if they where that intelligent and unhappy because they overthink things they would have the ability to change things"

Yes. And perhaps we should also recognize that "over thinking" and "intelligence" aren't interchangeable. I certainly don't think my high school self was intelligent. I was an over-thinker, though.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I think it's probable that by many people's standards I'm an under thinker. I'm not sure what that makes me where intelligence is concerned but I certainly suffer far less angst than many people I know.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

"and surely if they where that intelligent and unhappy because they overthink things they would have the ability to change things

Yes. And perhaps we should also recognize that "over thinking" and "intelligence" aren't interchangeable. I certainly don't think my high school self was intelligent. I was an over-thinker, though."
ha! That was going to be my next thing. I spent most of my life overthinking, it made my mental health much worse until the day i decided to change things and its not to do with my intelligence

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

I also do not think thinking deeply and over-thinking should be confused. Yes, 'dwelling on something negative 'til you get miserable' is not a good idea, but sometimes knotty problems need a LOT of thinking about to sort them out.

When I had a sick horse that no-one could help I ended up giving up my career and going into veterinary research for about 5 years. I worked it all out, it paid off. Sometimes you need incredible tenacity of thought to achieve your aim.

The same applies to the deep questions of life - spirituality, psychology, philosophy, personal growth.....this is a very superficial place, and superficiality can be fun, but it ain't the be all and end all. I need depth too, life is not to be skimmed over in my book.

I have a quote from Meryl Streep on my fb at the moment 'If you have a brain, you are obliged to use it.'

I would agree.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Sometimes you need incredible tenacity of thought to achieve your aim."

Indeed, and effort too. If the path your taking through life is both a hard one, and one you're not enjoying, then ultimately it's going to be extremely hard for you to reach the end. However, if you enjoy what you do, because it's a task well suited to who you are, and it fits, then you're far more likely to succeed because the pegs you have to hammer are just the right fit for the holes.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *obbytupperMan
over a year ago

Menston near Ilkley

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. Mark Twain

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok, was there a question in all that musing?

Why does there have to be a question? "

There doesnt, and i wasn't trying to have a go, I just felt that there were 3 separate concepts pulling at brains musing.

The thread seems to have found its own direction any way.

I made the conscious decision to stop over thinking things in an effort to be happy, there is no greater inhibitor to our own peace and happiness than ourselves

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

Your generation? You're 33!

You make it sound like you're ready for sheltered housing

Perhaps the site has changed. A lot of people claim it has, though many also say otherwise. Maybe the women you would like didn't like the changes and left. I doubt they've all vanished unless your tastes have changed and become far more exclusive.

If fab isn't working for you, try something else.

A dating coach once told me the key to finding what you want is to work out where the sort of person you like might be and go there. So if you want an adventurous, outdoors type of person join a rock climbing group.

That advice might not translate quite so well when you're seeking NSA sex rather than a relationship but I think it's valuable nonetheless.

I know some deliriously happy intelligent people and some who aren't happy. I also know that most have been through phases of both in their life.

Being happy is a decision. You can make the most of what you have, which will hopefully attract more positive things to you, or you can mope, feel sorry for yourself and see the worst in everything. The latter will probably miss any opportunities that come their way.

I'm prone to the moping sort of behaviour so I have to keep reminding myself if the above. It's only me that can fix it. If I am not happy, nobody else can make me happy and really, they probably wouldn't feel like trying anyway. It's hard work changing one's thought process and it takes consistent effort.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Should I ummm be taking offence to any of this lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *imiUKMan
over a year ago

Hereford

Life is like a box of chocolates....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

"Your generation? You're 33!

You make it sound like you're ready for sheltered housing

If fab isn't working for you, try something else.

That advice might not translate quite so well when you're seeking NSA sex rather than a relationship but I think it's valuable nonetheless.

I know some deliriously happy intelligent people and some who aren't happy. I also know that most have been through phases of both in their life.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"People often comment on how deep many of my thought processes are, and how I tend to analyse (and in some peoples opinion - whatever they measure it against) over-analyse many topics. I believe its generally a positive to be a thinker, but often find myself isolated from those around me - they don't get me, and I'm not drawn to them.

...doesn't sound like something a guy who's avatar is his erect penis with his username emblazoned upon it would think does it?

im feeling you on this one brah

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I suppose I'm of the younger age bracket on this site, however I've had experiences which have led me to grow up very quickly in terms of the mentality needed at times when dealing in this subject.

I'm a very relentless, obsessive thinker at times, which had often led me to very dark places. However I feel that meeting people in varying situations- married, in relationships, single etc have taught me healthy boundaries and attitudes to have. Not just when it comes to sex and swinging but in life too.

I feel now that I have an attitude to dating and life, that far exceeds people of my own age and sometimes even older.

I often feel the same way as the OP, sat in a corner at a dwindling party fiddling with my beer bottle lable, in many aspects of life. It's healthy to analyse and dwell on things from time to time. I think the real challenge and the true indication of maturity and growth is how people move on in life.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"People often comment on how deep many of my thought processes are...

It just sort of feels like being left alone at what was once a packed party, now you're sat at an empty table, covered in empty Styrofoam cups of partly finished drinks."

If the drinks are partly finished then the cups are not empty. If the table is covered in cups, the table is not empty either.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"People often comment on how deep many of my thought processes are...

It just sort of feels like being left alone at what was once a packed party, now you're sat at an empty table, covered in empty Styrofoam cups of partly finished drinks.

If the drinks are partly finished then the cups are not empty. If the table is covered in cups, the table is not empty either."

Very Zen

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"People often comment on how deep many of my thought processes are...

It just sort of feels like being left alone at what was once a packed party, now you're sat at an empty table, covered in empty Styrofoam cups of partly finished drinks.

If the drinks are partly finished then the cups are not empty. If the table is covered in cups, the table is not empty either.

Very Zen

No, it wasn't. That was the point.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i had a friend in the past when i was at a low point who used to call this kind of thinking 'naval gazing' - when you look at yourself as just you and not with others

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"People often comment on how deep many of my thought processes are...

It just sort of feels like being left alone at what was once a packed party, now you're sat at an empty table, covered in empty Styrofoam cups of partly finished drinks.

If the drinks are partly finished then the cups are not empty. If the table is covered in cups, the table is not empty either.

Very Zen

No, it wasn't. That was the point."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

"People often comment on how deep many of my thought processes are...

It just sort of feels like beingt left alone at what was once a packed party, now you're sat at an empty table, covered in empty Styrofoam cups of partly finished drinks.

If the drinks are partly finished then the cups are not empty. If the table is covered in cups, the table is not empty either.

Very Zen

No, it wasn't. That was the point.

It depends upon what the table is empty of doesn't it? I the case of my analogy, it was referring to people - the emptiness of the cups refers to their ended identity of purpose, not the literal physical emptiness, even an 'empty' cup still has air in it."
but what if theyve just moved to the bigger better party and their glasses are overflowing but just elsewhere

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"People often comment on how deep many of my thought processes are...

It just sort of feels like being left alone at what was once a packed party, now you're sat at an empty table, covered in empty Styrofoam cups of partly finished drinks.

If the drinks are partly finished then the cups are not empty. If the table is covered in cups, the table is not empty either.

Very Zen

No, it wasn't. That was the point.

Ah, yes, their ended identity of purpose. It is a sad state when a cup no longer functions as a cup. Can I collect them up and take them to their spiritual home at Pseud's Corner?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"People often comment on how deep many of my thought processes are...

It just sort of feels like being left alone at what was once a packed party, now you're sat at an empty table, covered in empty Styrofoam cups of partly finished drinks.

If the drinks are partly finished then the cups are not empty. If the table is covered in cups, the table is not empty either.

Very Zen

No, it wasn't. That was the point.

Ah, yes, their ended identity of purpose. It is a sad state when a cup no longer functions as a cup. Can I collect them up and take them to their spiritual home at Pseud's Corner?

You can stick them to the sides of your head and make a Tellytubbies costume if you like?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Ok, where was I...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ok, where was I..."

I think the point that a lot of people were making was that this level of introspection is not always healthy. I think returning to it is unnecessary

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After scanning rather than reading:

Over-thinking is rarely a problem.

Overcomplicating is.

I would hardly call it over-thinking if someone can't organise, summarise and translate their own thoughts for the audience and context before they speak.

I would call that lack of thinking.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"and surely if they where that intelligent and unhappy because they overthink things they would have the ability to change things

Yes. And perhaps we should also recognize that "over thinking" and "intelligence" aren't interchangeable. I certainly don't think my high school self was intelligent. I was an over-thinker, though."

You recognised the brilliance of Hobbes and Machiavelli, sounds intelligent to me

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *sianmale89Man
over a year ago

Stockport

I tend to over think sometimes OP and yes it does lead to sleepless nights some times or anxiety about stuff in life in a sense which I feel I have no control over...

I've more or less kept to myself growing up, sure in places like school or secondary school I used to get involved etc with friends and all that but then more or less when I left I kept to myself for long periods off time over years and years..

even with like family etc I kept a distance in a sense didn't get involved as much and often got described as a hermit or recluse..as I get older though I try to make more of an effort and not over think things as much as I did..

still more or less keep to myself in the present day, However I do try to at times think less and do more or just go along with the flow and try to get more involved with stuff in life or get out more often and be there for those who it matters most for...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Haha, I did an inkblot test today and thought of you. My answer was:

Philosopher

Your ink blot associations infer that you are a deep, self-reflective and intellectual person. You are always analyzing yourself and the world around you and have a hunger for learning and experiencing new things. Your brain is like a sponge that soaks up new information and memories very easily and you are always challenging your mind............'

That's important to me, I love to challenge my mind, stretch it, and I enjoy people that do too.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"and surely if they where that intelligent and unhappy because they overthink things they would have the ability to change things

Yes. And perhaps we should also recognize that "over thinking" and "intelligence" aren't interchangeable. I certainly don't think my high school self was intelligent. I was an over-thinker, though.

You recognised the brilliance of Hobbes and Machiavelli, sounds intelligent to me

I worry about you sometimes

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

We have our own unique needs and momentum, which can get highlighted when with others, as soon as we're out of step.

I don't generally subscribe to an over-thinking paradigm, if all that you're doing is establishing what your needs are, when they've been changing. Some things about us are somewhat beyond words though and if we're not fully ready to grasp something, it might stare us in the face and it would be unattractive.

As a gardener since I was about 7 I've occasionally been frustrated with seeds I'd planted that hadn't fully germinated. Unearthing them didn't make them grow faster and possibly damaged their first tentative emergence from the seeds.

Perhaps there is some gestation of incredibly different desires or even just consolidation of what you've appreciated for some time. I'd just acknowledge that I'm aware of potential variation and take it easy, awaiting whatever is coming next. It may need some patience as well as experimentation later on.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ngel n tedCouple
over a year ago

maidstone

Put the music back on, minesweep the leftover drinks and have a dance with the cleaner

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread