FabSwingers.com forum: Funniest TV quotes

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

WE'VEE'VEho remembers the funniest quotes you may have heard from your favourite TV programmes?

Here's a good one from The Young Ones.

"Have we got a video? "

"YES WE'VE GOT A VIDEO!!"

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Countdown CUNTFLAPS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PNSWm_CFYY

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By *eMontresMan
over a year ago

Halesowen

Countdown - akersnw - both players and myself got it

(re-jumbled, but may not be the same sequence that came out on the show)

Johnny and Fanny Craddock (you have to be a certain age), making doughnuts, closing comment from Johnny on live TV, "I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's"

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By *lik and PaulCouple
over a year ago

cahoots

Ted Lowe when commentating on a snooker match (a long time ago) ... "For those of you watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green".

Priceless

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By *eMontresMan
over a year ago

Halesowen

Another Ted Lowe, Cliif Thorburn I think, addressing a long reach shot requiring chest and leg on table to avoid using a rest - "Cliff not finding it so easy to get his leg over these days"

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By *eMontresMan
over a year ago

Halesowen

Slightly at a tangent, but a couple of my favourite John Arlott quotes.

"The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willy"

"it's risen sharply and caught Boycott in the groin and he's writhing around on the floor now, in some considerable pain. Oh, but he's back on his feet - with one ball left"

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By *uited staffs guyMan
over a year ago

staffordshire

From Flasheart in Blackadder:

All right men, let's do it. The first thing to remember is always treat your kite (a plane) like you treat your woman

George in reply: Do you mean take her home at weekends to meet your mother?

Flasheart: No, I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

Anything I've said on a particularly good day.

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By *imply_SensualMan
over a year ago

Widnes

You can't talk about favourite quotes without mentioning Murray Walker……

The lead car is unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.

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By *ibbyhunterCouple
over a year ago

keighley

Homer Simpson.. if something is hard to do ,then it's not worth doing.

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Bart:

How could you, Krusty? I never lend my name to an inferior product.

Krusty:

(gasps and sobs) They drove a dump truck full of money up to my house! I'm not made of stone!

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

"From Flasheart in Blackadder:

All right men, let's do it. The first thing to remember is always treat your kite (a plane) like you treat your woman

George in reply: Do you mean take her home at weekends to meet your mother?

Flasheart: No, I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!"

Flashy

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By *adyboy-DaddyCouple
over a year ago

Andover

Bradley Walsh character in Corrie says to unkempt son:

"You need to go and comb you hair boy"

"I already did!"

"What with, a toffee apple?"

Apparently an ad lib by Walsh that they kept in but had to re-film lots of times before they could do it straight.

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

Simon Groom on early 1980's Blue Peter describing two matching medieval door ornaments:

...What a fine pair of knockers,.. they really are...

Childrens' TV gold

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wash: "Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction."

Zoe: "We live in a spaceship, dear."

Cos you know, Firefly

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

“It takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen”

~ Homer Simpson

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless."

-Chief Wiggum

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

""This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless."

-Chief Wiggum"

LOL

Was that Who Shot Monty Burns?

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Marge: "Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?"

Homer: "Yeah, pretty much, except we drove round in a van solving mysteries"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

""This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless."

-Chief Wiggum

LOL

Was that Who Shot Monty Burns?"

Homer's Triple Bypass, one of the best episode in my opinion.

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By *t my DesiresWoman
over a year ago

Bitchville

Blackwater "No, this is a British trench" Flash "that's good, thought I'd landed sausage side!!"

Blackadder, Private Plane episode

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

""This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of... you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless."

-Chief Wiggum

LOL

Was that Who Shot Monty Burns?

Homer's Triple Bypass, one of the best episode in my opinion."

My favourite is the gay steel mill one.

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By *t my DesiresWoman
over a year ago

Bitchville

"Send the bitch with the wheels or I'll fly back to England and give your wife something to hang her towels on"!! Lord Flash from Blackadder goes Forth - Private Plane, best episode ever

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

"It's my first day!"

After Homer nearly starts world war 3 in a submarine

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By *artytwoCouple
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

Sex on television can't do you any harm.

Unless you fall off.

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By *omguyMan
over a year ago

Romford

From Porridge when there's a boxing contest. Fletcher is telling Macay about a guy who boxed in fairground twice a night 7 days a week.

Fletcher: The body can't take that kind of punishment, he ended up an incoherent gibbering wreck.

Makay: What happened to him?

Fletcher: He joined the prison service as a warden, he's doing very well.

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

Another Portidge one.

Fletcher "they've got him working in the kitchen, what's he in for? Poisoning that's what"

Godber " is that why the call him arsenic?"

"No that's cos he sat on a razor blade"

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By *omguyMan
over a year ago

Romford

From the Porridge movie.

New guy: Who's that?

Fletcher: That's the mad butcher of Slade prison.

New guy: What's he in for?

Fletcher: Fiddled the VAT on his sausages.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Family guy!

Meg - ' you're a smart feller dad'

Peter - ' and you're a fart smeller meg'

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By *eMontresMan
over a year ago

Halesowen

Gotta love Family Guy

During the sexual abstention/ear sex one.

Tom Tucker "...new sexual craze sweeping Quahog, ear sex. The word is, when you go black, you go deaf"

Bedroom scene - (something like) Peter "...people who have sex turn gay, and gay people become Mexicans. That's how it works Lois, everyone moves down a notch"

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

Mackay "what will you do when you leave here"

Fletcher " I'll be ok mr Mackay, I'm off to Scotland to do missionary work"

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Family Guy - Brian Farting Bubble Gum

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZRokTt7P5Y

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"From Flasheart in Blackadder:

All right men, let's do it. The first thing to remember is always treat your kite (a plane) like you treat your woman

George in reply: Do you mean take her home at weekends to meet your mother?

Flasheart: No, I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!"
yes one of my favourites

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By *ayd2pinkTV/TS
over a year ago

TENTERDEN

"no way pedro"

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By *ayd2pinkTV/TS
over a year ago

TENTERDEN

"borrocks"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Family guy is amazing haha

Peter- ' By gluing many razor blades to this ordinary desk fan, I'll save time in my morning routine'

Blood splatter

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A recent one from the latest episode of Family Guy cracked me up laughing. It was at a cutaway gag featuring characters from the nightmare before christmas celebrating the 4th of July.

Jack Skellington: Fat chicks with black hair get tattoos of me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Anything from Father Ted.

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

"Don't let me catch you fletcher"

"You won't Mr mackay"

"Won't what fletcher?"

"You won't catch me me mr Mackay"

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

Listen to me carefully, I weel say zis only once

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

10. Basil: "Good morning, good morning."

Guest: "Oh you're very cheerful this morning, Mr Fawlty."

Basil: "Yes, well one of the guests has just died."

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

Good moaning

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

On porridge when fletcher goes to the medic...and he mentions his bad feet a load of times

Dr: are you a practicing homosexual fletcher?

Fletcher: what with my feet?!

Does me in everytime

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

"On porridge when fletcher goes to the medic...and he mentions his bad feet a load of times

Dr: are you a practicing homosexual fletcher?

Fletcher: what with my feet?!

Does me in everytime

Fill that specimen bottle

What from here?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hope your doughnuts turn out like fannies

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By *exycouplemmmmCouple
over a year ago

Surrey

Only Fools and Horses

"Michael Jacksons got Bubbles (the chimp) I've got Rodney"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fletcher: I said to Isabelle the other day I said I'll never get over you... I'll have to get up and walk round

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

You stupid woman!

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By *eMontresMan
over a year ago

Halesowen

"Hope your doughnuts turn out like fannies"

Wish I'd said that..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Smell my cheese

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Godber: what's a practicing homosexual?

Fletcher: one that ain't got it right yet!

Class.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Irish commentator George Hammilton when commentating a football game between Republic of Ireland and Spain once said when the Spanish manager was about to substitute his captain who was playing well;

'I don't believe it, the manager is pulling off his captain '

Co commentator nearly pissed himself laughing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JrmQl3E9zk

"How far away are they?"

Pheonix nights

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ted Lowe when commentating on a snooker match (a long time ago) ... "For those of you watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green".

Priceless

Call me a snooker geek but that would've been helpful if the green was on it's spot.

Similarly, the famous John Motsom quote,"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are playing in yellow". Motty is such a nerd I think he assumed viewers would want to know this fact so they could go and write it in their notebooks!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Young Ones.

Neil's dad: "Felicity Kendall. Now there's a woman I'd really want to protect"

Vivian: "I've never heard it called that before."

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

The Young ones

Rik to Vivian "i didn't know your mum was a bartender lady"

"Neither did I, last time I saw her she was a shoplifter"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You drive very fast"

"I drive even faster when I'm on my own"

"I wouldn't like to be with you when you were on your own"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hello Sally, h-hey its Peter Griffen. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah it's been a while..so listen, um, I just found out that Im retarted and um, I'm just calling to let you know that uh, you might want to get yourself tested

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Smell my cheese "

You mother.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Anything gavin and Stacey for me

Nessa: How's it going, alright?

Smithy: OK, I'm glad you brought it up, cos I've got a girlfriend who a lot of people here know, so I'd appreciate it...

Nessa: Where to she now, then?

Smithy: What?

Nessa: Where to she now?

Smithy: Right, either speak English or learn Welsh, cos that, "where to she"... do you you mean where is she now?

Nessa: Yeah.

Smithy: Say that, then.

Nessa: Where is she now?

Smithy: Sixth-Formers netball tournament in Southend. She couldn't get out of it, she's wing attack.

G x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Stacey has found out that Nessa is pregnant]

Stacey: You've got to tell Smithy.

Nessa: I can't.

Stacey: You've got to.

Nessa: He's a twat!

Stacey: I know. But he's the father of your child.

Nessa: I just can't believe this, Stace. Of all the people I've slept with it's him gets me pregnant. Not Nigel Havers, not John Prescott, not any of Goldie Lookin Chain. No, some knobhead from Essex.

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By *udistnorthantsMan
over a year ago

Desborough

Family Guy, on finding a bound and gagged cheerleader on the floor in a toilet cubicle:

Quagmire, "Dear Diary..."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Better call Saul

'I've even got the car that's all one colour...nailed it!'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Albert - During the .......

Del - If you say during the war i'll pour this cup of tea over your head

Albert - I wasn't going to say during the war

Del - Alright then

Albert - Bloody know it all

Del - Sorry

Albert - That's alright, during the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany .......

Still makes me laugh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 07/04/16 20:27:39]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ness is in the bath, Stacey in the shower.

Stace, will you do my back for me...

(pause)

... my razor is on the shelf.

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