FabSwingers.com forum: Funniest thing your kids have said to you

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My 3yr old daughter told me that I needed to get out of her bedroom before with the line 'go away daddy your boring me and I think you need to get me some sweets' all with a straight face. I couldn't stop laughing, after I'd left the bedroom as requested of course.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wa at a school disco with my kids and the ex and as I was leaving they knew I was going on a date and my youngest shouts across the room as everybody was getting ready to leave "dad have a good date but remember no sex tonight" to say the ground could have opened up was an understatement

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I wa at a school disco with my kids and the ex and as I was leaving they knew I was going on a date and my youngest shouts across the room as everybody was getting ready to leave "dad have a good date but remember no sex tonight" to say the ground could have opened up was an understatement"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My son told his nursery school that I never drank tea or coffee - I only drink brandy and Coke. All the time!

Sara

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My son told his nursery school that I never drank tea or coffee - I only drink brandy and Coke. All the time!

Sara"

Hahaha

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

"My son told his nursery school that I never drank tea or coffee - I only drink brandy and Coke. All the time!

Sara

Hahaha

Coke is bad for you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Middle of Stratford upon Avon on a busy bank holiday right by the packed river .... my little boy proclaimed at the top of his voice that the little people couldn't be dwarfs as Snow White wasn't with them

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Middle of Stratford upon Avon on a busy bank holiday right by the packed river .... my little boy proclaimed at the top of his voice that the little people couldn't be dwarfs as Snow White wasn't with them

Hahahaha that's genius

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My youngest son (back when he was about 4/5) randomly declaring rather loudly in the middle a busy Mcdonalds "I shot out of my Mammys bum" to be met by a number of chuckles and sniggers from surrounding people. Fucking shamed but was buckled laughing also

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My son told his nursery school that I never drank tea or coffee - I only drink brandy and Coke. All the time!

Sara"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hahahaha that's genius "

Everyone just stopped and looked ... then there were roars of laughter. He has had a thing about dwarfs ever since !!

I purchased a suit of armour a couple of years ago from a lovely shop in Devon. Whilst waiting for my mum to fetch the car there was a whole family of dwarfs by us. My son was eyeing up the dwarf to fit in to armour ... on the way back my kids were discussing how they drive a car to which my daughter simply said " one sits on the floor doing the pedals whilst another drives"

My mum nearly crashed the car

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Was in a queue in Argos a few years back. My daughter who was 3 at the time loudly told me to look at that woman's fatty bum bum. In fairness, it was a big bum.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My 6 year old boy

I said to him - ' you know I don't like silly billies ' as he was putting on his socks weird

His reply - ' is that why you don't like yourself!' Shock

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Hahahaha that's genius

Everyone just stopped and looked ... then there were roars of laughter. He has had a thing about dwarfs ever since !!

My mum nearly crashed the car

Hahahaha........ Well I to ok my nephew to his parents evening a few weeks ago. And his teacher is gorgeous. Anyway while she was telling me how well he was doing as school etc he proceeded to interrupt and tell her that I wanted to make a baby her and had wore my best pink knickers for the event. I was mortified and very red

When I took him home and mentioned it to my brother and his Mrs they said oh yea we said you fancied the teacher in convo to friends and he's obviously heard it and made a story up. Hmmmmmmmmmmm they still deny knowing where the rest came from

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Was in a queue in Argos a few years back. My daughter who was 3 at the time loudly told me to look at that woman's fatty bum bum. In fairness, it was a big bum.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My 6 year old boy

I said to him - ' you know I don't like silly billies ' as he was putting on his socks weird

His reply - ' is that why you don't like yourself!' Shock

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By *ittlemisssassypantsCouple
over a year ago

South East Wales

My daughter, every time we go to Tesco, a conversation like this always happens...

Her- Mummy!! You forgot to buy wine!!

Me- We only came in for some milk.

Her- But mummy, you always buy wine.

Me- No I don't and we only need milk today.

Her- Is there wine at home then?

Me- No.

Her- Then you have to get some, because you need it.

And the days I do pick up some wine she says, extremely loudly,

'Yaaaaaay! Mummy's buying wine! That's because it makes you happy doesn't it mummy?'

Fml. Kids.

Where's the wine???

Sassy

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My daughter, every time we go to Tesco, a conversation like this always happens...

Her- Mummy!! You forgot to buy wine!!

Me- We only came in for some milk.

Her- But mummy, you always buy wine.

Me- No I don't and we only need milk today.

Her- Is there wine at home then?

Me- No.

Her- Then you have to get some, because you need it.

And the days I do pick up some wine she says, extremely loudly,

'Yaaaaaay! Mummy's buying wine! That's because it makes you happy doesn't it mummy?'

Fml. Kids.

Where's the wine???

Sassy"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I need new kids - I've been telling my eldest her teacher is very pretty for two terms in the hope she'd drop what she thought was an embarrassing comment but no luck as yet....

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I need new kids - I've been telling my eldest her teacher is very pretty for two terms in the hope she'd drop what she thought was an embarrassing comment but no luck as yet...."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My Son's school football team meeting. where my then 8 yr old son said out proud. " My Dad said if you keep keeping me on the subs bench he's going to pull your balls off"

Obviously caught a conversation me and Ali had had the night before

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My kids have said so many funny things as I'm sure everyone's has!

Most recently my 3 year old has said "mummy your annoying me"

"Your a big silly little monkey"

And "the bloody electrics gone again!"

A while back we were in the shop and being served by my crush when she decided to shout "mummy did a fart"!! And I hadn't

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My daughter, every time we go to Tesco, a conversation like this always happens...

Her- Mummy!! You forgot to buy wine!!

Me- We only came in for some milk.

Her- But mummy, you always buy wine.

Me- No I don't and we only need milk today.

Her- Is there wine at home then?

Me- No.

Her- Then you have to get some, because you need it.

And the days I do pick up some wine she says, extremely loudly,

'Yaaaaaay! Mummy's buying wine! That's because it makes you happy doesn't it mummy?'

Fml. Kids.

Where's the wine???

Sassy"

Brilliant!

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Good thread

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

For my part, was on holiday a couple of years back with our daughter. Stayed in a hotel o/night that had a wet room, rather than a bathroom.

My daughter takes one look at it and squeals:

"Let's all three of us have a CRAZY shower!!"

Which uttered to anyone else, in any other context, would have deeply inappropriate.

So we had a crazy shower

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My eldest son was 4 when I had his sister. When he came to the hospital to see her I was changing her... A look of horror came over his face and he says mummy she has 2 bums..... I couldn't stop laughing and I've never let him forget... he's 27 now with 2 daughters of his own lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A while back, one of mine had been watching some sheep lambing. Said I'm off Mum as can't watch any more. I asked why. Because that Sheep's bottom is right in my face!

Sarah

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My daughter, every time we go to Tesco, a conversation like this always happens...

Her- Mummy!! You forgot to buy wine!!

Me- We only came in for some milk.

Her- But mummy, you always buy wine.

Me- No I don't and we only need milk today.

Her- Is there wine at home then?

Me- No.

Her- Then you have to get some, because you need it.

And the days I do pick up some wine she says, extremely loudly,

'Yaaaaaay! Mummy's buying wine! That's because it makes you happy doesn't it mummy?'

Fml. Kids.

Where's the wine???

Sassy"

Both me and the missus have had this off our four year old

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By *r n mrs swingCouple
over a year ago

pontefract

"My daughter, every time we go to Tesco, a conversation like this always happens...

Her- Mummy!! You forgot to buy wine!!

Me- We only came in for some milk.

Her- But mummy, you always buy wine.

Me- No I don't and we only need milk today.

Her- Is there wine at home then?

Me- No.

Her- Then you have to get some, because you need it.

And the days I do pick up some wine she says, extremely loudly,

'Yaaaaaay! Mummy's buying wine! That's because it makes you happy doesn't it mummy?'

Fml. Kids.

Where's the wine???

Sassy

Brilliant! "

Ha my daughter 6 and she always says is it your wine oclock yet mummy lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My son was 5. I was trying to get his school uniform on as running late. I said I hope I'm not getting you dressed at 15. He said no I'll be having sex with my girlfriend!! I said no you won't you will wait til your 16!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One my mum does not let me forget, I was six at the time with my great grandmother

Granny - why are you crying

Me - worse day ever at school, a boy put chalk on my back, I cried all day, granny, did you ever have a worse day at school

Granny - sort off, the Germans came to our school, shot all the teachers in the head and I hid under the dead bodies for 12 hours

I did not complain to granny again

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By *ittlemisssassypantsCouple
over a year ago

South East Wales

"My daughter, every time we go to Tesco, a conversation like this always happens...

Her- Mummy!! You forgot to buy wine!!

Me- We only came in for some milk.

Her- But mummy, you always buy wine.

Me- No I don't and we only need milk today.

Her- Is there wine at home then?

Me- No.

Her- Then you have to get some, because you need it.

And the days I do pick up some wine she says, extremely loudly,

'Yaaaaaay! Mummy's buying wine! That's because it makes you happy doesn't it mummy?'

Fml. Kids.

Where's the wine???

Sassy

Brilliant!

Ha my daughter 6 and she always says is it your wine oclock yet mummy lol"

The kids chose my Mother's Day/birthday/Xmas presents now and it's always a bottle of wine and/or a wine glass

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By *r n mrs swingCouple
over a year ago

pontefract

"My daughter, every time we go to Tesco, a conversation like this always happens...

Her- Mummy!! You forgot to buy wine!!

Me- We only came in for some milk.

Her- But mummy, you always buy wine.

Me- No I don't and we only need milk today.

Her- Is there wine at home then?

Me- No.

Her- Then you have to get some, because you need it.

And the days I do pick up some wine she says, extremely loudly,

'Yaaaaaay! Mummy's buying wine! That's because it makes you happy doesn't it mummy?'

Fml. Kids.

Where's the wine???

Sassy

Brilliant!

Ha my daughter 6 and she always says is it your wine oclock yet mummy lol

The kids chose my Mother's Day/birthday/Xmas presents now and it's always a bottle of wine and/or a wine glass

Snap always a bottle of red birthday Monday too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wee cousin is learning about space at nusery, I asked him what his favourite planet was and he replied "well I've only been to earth?", while giving me a look as if that was the most ridiculous question ever

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Some top quality stories on here today. Thanks all for the laughs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I also once foolishly asked another cousin (aged 8) why I didn't have a boyfriend. His guesses were: my tattoos, my makeup, and because I'm "too skinny", what a charmer.

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By *izzy.Woman
over a year ago

Stoke area

when my son was about 8, he saw me handing over a cheque to the plumber who had just installed my central heating. After the plumber left the conversation went.....

Son.....was it a lot of money ?

Me......Yes, it was a lot.

Son......Well he must have brought you a lot of plums !!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dont worry mum you can look after yourself, im going out....from the youngest she had just turned 3

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"when my son was about 8, he saw me handing over a cheque to the plumber who had just installed my central heating. After the plumber left the conversation went.....

Son.....was it a lot of money ?

Me......Yes, it was a lot.

Son......Well he must have brought you a lot of plums !!!!"

amazing

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

As per healthy eating guidelines, my daughter's primary school bans drinks from home unless they are water. Many kids don;t drink enough.

On the way to school I pointed out that my daughter is on the school council and maybe she could bring up the matter there.

She curtly informed me that that was *not* what the school council is for.

I said, you know your problem? You need a revolution!

She stopped her scooter, looked at me and sighed, "*Don't* start that again."

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By *ust_for_laughsCouple
over a year ago

Hinckley

Not kids but grandkids earlier this week in a giftshop in Padstow...

Kids: Grandad, come and look, we've found a mug for you...

Me: Does it say 'Grumpy Old Man' or something like that?

Kids: You've got to come and look!

The mug, in large letters: TWAT

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"Not kids but grandkids earlier this week in a giftshop in Padstow...

Kids: Grandad, come and look, we've found a mug for you...

Me: Does it say 'Grumpy Old Man' or something like that?

Kids: You've got to come and look!

The mug, in large letters: TWAT

My daughter gave me this awful, oversize tea mug for father's day. The saving grace? It's got:

FAB DAD

Emblazoned on the side.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My little one just informed me when she came in from school there that "she thinks she has broke her back and needs to take some times off school, as when she was jumping up and down on the bouncy castle it hurt a little bit".

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Dont worry mum you can look after yourself, im going out....from the youngest she had just turned 3

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"Not kids but grandkids earlier this week in a giftshop in Padstow...

Kids: Grandad, come and look, we've found a mug for you...

Me: Does it say 'Grumpy Old Man' or something like that?

Kids: You've got to come and look!

The mug, in large letters: TWAT"

And more muggery.

The other half got me a mug that's covered in castles, rainbows, clouds with a unicorn on it and the words: I Want A Fucking Unicorn.

Delightful.

We're sat down at dinner and I'm drinking tea from said mug and my daughter leans over and reads:

"I want... a... fucking... unicorn?"

Sharp intakes of breath around the room. Explain that's a very rude word, an adult word and not to use it in school and definitely not around granny & granddad.

"What," she asks, "like twat?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Abbey aged 5 "Dad can I have the car keys, ive left teddy at Nanna's

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to comic con last week with my teenage daughter, we bought our tickets and went through to the gate to be let in, the guy took our tickets all in all a process of about 3 minutes, I made the throw away moment of "that just cost me £15, and I only had it for 3 minutes, she didn't even miss a beat when she turned to me and said "yeah but you say that about a large pizza"

My son was three, and he fell asleep in the car with his legs over each side if the car seat, when I woke him up he immediately started crying, I asked him what was wring and he said "my feet have gone fizzy"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i remember when my youngest daughter was about 6 walking home from school and her telling me she had fallen out with her friend over a boy

I said so her oh that's a bit silly i thought you where good friends

she looked at me and said well we used to be friends but now she's my nemesis

i mean what kind of a 6 year old uses the word nemesis and even uses it in the right context ffs

i had to laugh

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By *cduck and Blue eyesCouple
over a year ago

nr chester

My little lady said yesterday that she would like to live in America, so middle son says 'but what about the deadly spiders' so little lady says 'I'm not bothered ' middle son replys 'well you'll find yourself in gods waiting room sooner thank you think' pleaseeee I was crying, bless him, old before his time that one

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By *isaB45Woman
over a year ago

Fabville

My 11 year old son and I were having a tickling match recently. He said...'Ooh Mum...you're fiesty!'.

By the way, Wardy, am totally with you on the whole slugs and snails thing. Totally pointless.

Lisa x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Our eldest was 4, playing in his toy cupboard. Someone on TV said something about wanking and without batting an eyelid he pipes up 'I know what wanking is.' Easy and I looked at each other and shrugged, 'go on then, what is it?'

'It's when you le your beadle!' Came the confident reply.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My 11 year old son and I were having a tickling match recently. He said...'Ooh Mum...you're fiesty!'.

By the way, Wardy, am totally with you on the whole slugs and snails thing. Totally pointless.

Lisa x"

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By *isaB45Woman
over a year ago

Fabville

"My 11 year old son and I were having a tickling match recently. He said...'Ooh Mum...you're fiesty!'.

By the way, Wardy, am totally with you on the whole slugs and snails thing. Totally pointless.

Lisa x

Mwah xx

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By *atEvolutionCouple
over a year ago

atlantisEVOLUTION. Stoke.

Not my kid but . . . anecdotal for another mum . . .

Her 5 year old kept running into the kitchen where her mum was chatting to her (she'd had her while mum had a days shopping with hubby) . . . shouting we are getting a rabbit we are getting a rabbit . . . they ignored her . . . then again we are getting a rabbit . . . then suddenly she remembered that she had left her new Rampant Rabbit purchase on the coffee table . . .

!!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Our son asked his dad

Hey dad as you been to hospital for the snip (vasectomy) did they take you balls out and give them a clean ,not what needed to hear as was sat holding Crown Jewels laughing so much lol

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

My son aged three, mummy are you better, me ive not been poorly , son but youve got a poorly bottom, me i dont have a poorly bottom. Son,but i saw daddy kissing it better when i looked through your keyhole

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My little girl shouted across a busy service station at a poor amputee "look his leg must have been eaten by a shark, he's like captain jack" I could have died!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Not kids but grandkids earlier this week in a giftshop in Padstow...

Kids: Grandad, come and look, we've found a mug for you...

Me: Does it say 'Grumpy Old Man' or something like that?

Kids: You've got to come and look!

The mug, in large letters: TWAT

And more muggery.

The other half got me a mug that's covered in castles, rainbows, clouds with a unicorn on it and the words: I Want A Fucking Unicorn.

Delightful.

We're sat down at dinner and I'm drinking tea from said mug and my daughter leans over and reads:

"I want... a... fucking... unicorn?"

Sharp intakes of breath around the room. Explain that's a very rude word, an adult word and not to use it in school and definitely not around granny & granddad.

"What," she asks, "like twat?"

Hahahahaha I've literally just spat my tea (from my stewie griffin mug) all over the place

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I was younger my mum had a friend who had his leg amputated from the thigh down. I asked him one day how it happened ( I was about 6) he replied he went to the dentist to have a tooth out an as the dentist pulled his leg shot up inside his body! I was so scared of the dentist for years after that incase it happened to me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

While walking daughter home from school was sayinghow she has to pay more attention to cars and what would happen to her. She replies ill be flat but it's ok you can connect a pump to my belly button and pump me back up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My brothers were arguing a few days ago, and the youngest one, who is 8 said "You're never gonna get married. What girl will look at your face and think I want to marry him". I couldn't stop laughing, it was fucking savage

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By *isaB45Woman
over a year ago

Fabville

Thank you, Wardy, for a lovely post. Yes, we're here to have a fab time, but we all have lives outside of here. It's nice to remember that. Makes us all human.

I have to get up at 05.00 for work, so night night all...

Lisa xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Thank you, Wardy, for a lovely post. Yes, we're here to have a fab time, but we all have lives outside of here. It's nice to remember that. Makes us all human.

I have to get up at 05.00 for work, so night night all...

Lisa xx"

Thank Lisa that's nice of you to say. Sweet dreams xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have no kiddliwinks of my own. But when I was little (centuries ago) it was around the time of the AIDS crisis and those god awful falling tomb stones adverts. My sister (aged about three) asked over Sunday lunch "What's a homosexual?" I (aged about five) without pausing for thought responded "It's a man who tries to make another man pregnant". Goodness knows where I'd got my slightly misaligned knowledge from. But it satisfied little sis's curiosity and saved my parents an uncomfortable chat over the roast chicken!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I have no kiddliwinks of my own. But when I was little (centuries ago) it was around the time of the AIDS crisis and those god awful falling tomb stones adverts. My sister (aged about three) asked over Sunday lunch "What's a homosexual?" I (aged about five) without pausing for thought responded "It's a man who tries to make another man pregnant". Goodness knows where I'd got my slightly misaligned knowledge from. But it satisfied little sis's curiosity and saved my parents an uncomfortable chat over the roast chicken!! "

Hahahaha that's hilarious..... Got to say your stunning xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My kids say some funny stuff but the best one was last night, I was sat with their them, dad and one of the kids friends, my eldest pipes up (he's 15 and has aspergers) says to the friend 'my dads snogged your mum', the ex sat there shifting in his seat and my son also says 'and other stuff' I'm sitting there, sniggering into my phone...the friend then says 'yeah I kinda guessed that' more shifting from him, I am now laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face....inappropriate yes but funny as fook!!

G xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Travelling back in car with kids I said to them.

'When we get home, it'll be pajama time'

My son said to me

'Did you just say vagina time'

Pmsl

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By *nigmatic1Woman
over a year ago

A seaside town near you!

Best thread I've read in ages!!! Howling laughing here and I needed it so a big thank you from me!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Travelling back in car with kids I said to them.

'When we get home, it'll be pajama time'

My son said to me

'Did you just say vagina time'

Pmsl "

*looks at wrist watch* oh would you look at the time...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Best thread I've read in ages!!! Howling laughing here and I needed it so a big thank you from me!!!

Glad you like it.

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By *nigmatic1Woman
over a year ago

A seaside town near you!

"Best thread I've read in ages!!! Howling laughing here and I needed it so a big thank you from me!!!

Glad you like it. "

I do! Still laughing...if I carry on I might get locked up lol !!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Best thread I've read in ages!!! Howling laughing here and I needed it so a big thank you from me!!!

Glad you like it.

I do! Still laughing...if I carry on I might get locked up lol !!"

Not for laughing, I know blackpools a bit fucked UK but not that much surely lol x

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By *nigmatic1Woman
over a year ago

A seaside town near you!

"Best thread I've read in ages!!! Howling laughing here and I needed it so a big thank you from me!!!

Glad you like it.

I do! Still laughing...if I carry on I might get locked up lol !!

Not for laughing, I know blackpools a bit fucked UK but not that much surely lol x"

Sat laughing on your own incurs men in white coats lol !!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Best thread I've read in ages!!! Howling laughing here and I needed it so a big thank you from me!!!

Glad you like it.

I do! Still laughing...if I carry on I might get locked up lol !!

Not for laughing, I know blackpools a bit fucked UK but not that much surely lol x

Sat laughing on your own incurs men in white coats lol !!"

Depends where your doing it lol

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By *aucy tiggerWoman
over a year ago

Back where I belong

For me it was when my son was 10 and came from school after his first sex educating lesson and asked, "why do people have sex if they don't want babies?".

It still makes me laugh xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"For me it was when my son was 10 and came from school after his first sex educating lesson and asked, "why do people have sex if they don't want babies?".

It still makes me laugh xx"

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By *ust RachelTV/TS
over a year ago

Horsham

I was with my niece one Christmas doing the present shopping, she had been playing up and pushing her luck (she was about 4). I turned round to her and told her that she was close to going home due to her playing up, with a straight face she says how close is that. I had to turn away as she floored me I was laughing, several people around were laughing as well.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I was with my niece one Christmas doing the present shopping, she had been playing up and pushing her luck (she was about 4). I turned round to her and told her that she was close to going home due to her playing up, with a straight face she says how close is that. I had to turn away as she floored me I was laughing, several people around were laughing as well. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My son, in his early years at school wrote:

"My mum had to get new tits as her old ones got raped by the cat"

Substitute tights and ripped!

Loved THAT parents night!

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By *atEvolutionCouple
over a year ago

atlantisEVOLUTION. Stoke.

"My daughter, every time we go to Tesco, a conversation like this always happens...

Her- Mummy!! You forgot to buy wine!!

Me- We only came in for some milk.

Her- But mummy, you always buy wine.

Me- No I don't and we only need milk today.

Her- Is there wine at home then?

Me- No.

Her- Then you have to get some, because you need it.

And the days I do pick up some wine she says, extremely loudly,

'Yaaaaaay! Mummy's buying wine! That's because it makes you happy doesn't it mummy?'

Best in the thread.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

my kids make me howl. one 6, one 3. memorable ones of late:

DD (6)

( on ex's driveway, in front of neighbours, at full volume) " Dad.. mummy's not poorly, she's got a very sore arse"...

straight face for all of 2 seconds before cracking up, as my ex went crimson and the neighbours stared. I couldn't help but say"i suggest lube next time"..)

" nanny, we're ready to go. Make sure you go to the loo before you come downstairs, you're old and it's a long trip. "

" dad, I love you. But you're an arse. "

" this car in front is a cockwomble.. can we overtake it?" ( almost lost control laughing, where did she get " cockwomble" from? ?)

"dad, you know you said I get my long legs from mummy? ".."mmhmm".." will I have big boobs like her too? ".."er...um...well..er..maybe..."..."I hope I don't have a hairy bum".."ah-ha."..

DS (3)

"I want a bath of wine. ".." don't be daft lad, who has a bath in wine? "..." mummy!".."ah."

* riding bike, falls off* " Oh, bugger"

" I'm NOT a girl. Look, I have a penis! ", Old woman, out shopping.

" mummy, you're a buffoon! "

He went to climb out of my car yesterday, and accidentally half somersaulted, half fell out onto the lawn...I couldn't help but laugh, especially when he's there, hands on hips;, scowl on face shouting " STOP LAUGHING! IT'S. NOT. FUNNY! AAAAAARGGGHH!"

out walking with a single female friend of mine..." you've got HUGE boobies!".."I LOVE huge boobies, mummy days I'm like my dad..."..

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By *els01Woman
over a year ago

Glasgow

Loving this thread, reading it in bed, giggling away, oddly with hard nipples

xxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My daughter came from her first sex education class.

"Mummy, I now know ladies have boobies to feed babies".

"What did you think they were for? "

"I don't know - for decoration?"

Son, then 3, plays on the floor. The TV is on, and he hears the world "sex".

"Mummy, what is sex?"

"Ask Daddy".

"Daddy doesn't know!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Daughter was having show n tell at school. She wanted to bring her ipad in. I had told her NO!! Mentioned bringing in a photo of our dog. (Spkn of which he was due to be neutered cuz only one testical came dwn when he was born). Wee lady said 'seriously u want me to talk about Maxie 1 ball? Wee lady went in & told all her friends he omly had 1 ball, who then in turn told their mums. Thankfully her friends mums are friends of mine & saw the funny side of it.

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

Not mine but a story someone told me - the woman and her young daughter got on the bus and the conductor said to the little girl "How old are you?"

And she replied "When I'm on the us I'm 3 and when I'm not on the bus I'm 4".

Three and under was free

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is an honest quote from my son and ex husband;

Thomas: What's your dream?

Ex: I have lots of dreams.

Thomas: Not anymore. You have kids and we suck out all of your dreams.

That's right Thomas. That's right.

G x

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By *eMontresMan
over a year ago

Halesowen

Ok, slightly off piste.

When my youngest was 15, and already a seasoned gigging guitarist having played in my band and a number of others of my generation, his Music tech. teacher asked the class, "What typifies Jazz".

He replied, "Poly-rhythms, modal and chromatic scales, and frequent use of accidentals".

The teacher said "No, I was looking for - Saxophone"

We almost wet ourselves

(it's a muso thing)

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By *eanut Butter CupWoman
over a year ago

B & M Bargains

"Not mine but a story someone told me - the woman and her young daughter got on the bus and the conductor said to the little girl "How old are you?"

And she replied "When I'm on the us I'm 3 and when I'm not on the bus I'm 4".

Three and under was free

I did that swimming! To be fair my mum hadn't told me to lie so when they asked how old I was (to see if I could go in without a parent) and she said 8, I was like err durr no I'm 7 mum

Not exactly a child but a couple of Christmases back we were playing Cards Against Humanity and one of the cards said "pixelated bukkake".

I snigger, obviously knowing what it meant. Everyone else doesn't have a clue except my shy 14 yr old cousin who, forgetting who he's with, pipes up "I know what it means" then immediately goes bright red when his mum asks him to explain what it is

I helped him out and explained to them instead

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I asked my daughter what she wanted for her 4th birthday, she replied "a baby sister called sparkle charm or a unicorn" I don't suppose any of you know where I might find a unicorn?

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By *obwithkiltMan
over a year ago

Belton

One father's day a couple of years ago my daughters were staying the night in my cottage, having given me my card and present my youngest aaid she would make me coffee for breakfast. ..as I various machines I was asked how I would like it...I said just instant. ..the eldest looked up from her laptop and seriously exclaimed "you have a kettle? " only having visited regularly over last 3 years

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Brilliant thread. In tears laughing here

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By *aidForSharingWoman
over a year ago

Walsall

[Removed by poster at 31/03/16 01:27:11]

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By *aidForSharingWoman
over a year ago

Walsall

Me to son then aged 6: So what is sex?

Son: Oh Mummy. You don't want to know...

Nursery to me: We don't like children swearing.

Me: My son doesn't swear.

Nursery: He said, "It doesn't work. It's a fuck it"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

With my 4 year old at his swimming lesson and we were in the pool before it started and he said something to me, I didn't hear him so asked him what he had said. He looks at me and says (a lot louder) "that's a fat lady, isn't it" while pointing at the lady. I was mortified wanted the water to swallow me up! But then she was a bigger lady, so couldn't tell him off for it.

Last week I asked him what he wanted to be when he got bigger, he replied "I want to be 7" fair enough

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