FabSwingers.com mobile

Join us FREE, we're FREE to use

Web's largest swingers site since 2006.

Already registered?
Login here

Back to forum list
Back to The Lounge

Crying with laughter! Can't breathe!! take 5 minutes and read this!!

Jump to newest
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Last night, my wife's boss from her brand new job invited us over for dinner. On the drive over, my wife reiterated many times to me just how important it was to make a good impression.

I scoffed and arrogantly informed my silly wife that I always make good impressions.

My wife's boss is a single lady in her fifties, so it was just the three of us. We chitchatted over drinks and salads and seemed to really be hitting it off. She laughed at my well-timed, perfectly-appropriate jokes and my wife seemed pleased.

Soon she brought out the main course, a nice big juicy steak for each of us. As I began to cut into my steak, I was discouraged to discover how under cooked this steak was.

Now, I've had my fair share of rare steak. I prefer medium, but I can handle rare. This was several-minutes-on-a-hot-grill short of rare. I probably could've resuscitated the cow had I tried. Instead, I sat there fidgeting with my knife and fork, worrying about how I was going to get away with not eating this steak.

Claim vegan-ism? No, I'd already feigned great enthusiasm upon seeing the steak.

Just then, our hostess excused herself to the kitchen to take care of some dessert preparations. As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open window of this 3rd story apartment... a cartoon light bulb appeared over my head.

I knew I had to be decisive, realizing that she could return at any moment. I committed. I grabbed the steak with my hand, gently shook off the juice and executed a perfect throw right through the center of the open window.

Here's the big time FU. The window wasn't open. It was the cleanest fricking window you've ever seen in your life. That is, until my mostly raw slab of steak slammed up against it and slowly slid down leaving a trail of bloody juice in its wake.

My wife - who's steak was a nice medium rare and was unaware of my predicament - turned, jaw dropped, and stared at me like I was an alien from another planet. This look then slowly morphed into more of a there-is-no-place-on-this-planet-you-can-ever-hide-from-me expression of demonic anger.

My wife's boss heard the thud of the steak-on-window impact and came quickly. She took in the scene, the steak sitting on the window sill, the blood trail, my empty plate, and then gave me an inquisitive, puzzled look.

I just didn't know what to say. It felt like a minute of silence, but was probably 3 or 4 seconds. Finally, the best I could manage was "I... I'm so sorry. I am such a clutz... I don't know... I was just cutting it.. and... it... ... it slipped... just ask my wife, I really am a clutz... right honey?... (no help coming from that direction) ... I will clean this up... I can't believe this... I am so sorry" etc... etc...

Both women continued to stare at me like I had escaped from the loony bin, as I smeared the blood around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the steak, and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation. I knew no one was buying the story.

I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my seat and proceeded to eat every bite of that disgusting, cold, chewy, bloody, raw steak.

I remained pretty quiet the rest of the evening. My wife's only two words to me since the incident are "I'm fine".

TL;DR: Tried to sneakily throw my under-cooked steak through an open window... only to find out it wasn't open.

Edit: Wow, thanks stranger!!

Update: Just got the first post-"I'm fine" communication from my wife, via text, who is at work...

"good news, [boss' name] and i just had a good laugh over how much of a fucking idiot u are. i hope u know u will never live this down. love u you moron"

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

What was wrong with asking the boss to whack it back on the grill for a few minutes and admit you are a heathen?

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Omg it proper got me on the funny side this! Love reddit!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Last night, my wife's boss from her brand new job invited us over for dinner. On the drive over, my wife reiterated many times to me just how important it was to make a good impression.

I scoffed and arrogantly informed my silly wife that I always make good impressions.

My wife's boss is a single lady in her fifties, so it was just the three of us. We chitchatted over drinks and salads and seemed to really be hitting it off. She laughed at my well-timed, perfectly-appropriate jokes and my wife seemed pleased.

Soon she brought out the main course, a nice big juicy steak for each of us. As I began to cut into my steak, I was discouraged to discover how under cooked this steak was.

Now, I've had my fair share of rare steak. I prefer medium, but I can handle rare. This was several-minutes-on-a-hot-grill short of rare. I probably could've resuscitated the cow had I tried. Instead, I sat there fidgeting with my knife and fork, worrying about how I was going to get away with not eating this steak.

Claim vegan-ism? No, I'd already feigned great enthusiasm upon seeing the steak.

Just then, our hostess excused herself to the kitchen to take care of some dessert preparations. As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open window of this 3rd story apartment... a cartoon light bulb appeared over my head.

I knew I had to be decisive, realizing that she could return at any moment. I committed. I grabbed the steak with my hand, gently shook off the juice and executed a perfect throw right through the center of the open window.

Here's the big time FU. The window wasn't open. It was the cleanest fricking window you've ever seen in your life. That is, until my mostly raw slab of steak slammed up against it and slowly slid down leaving a trail of bloody juice in its wake.

My wife - who's steak was a nice medium rare and was unaware of my predicament - turned, jaw dropped, and stared at me like I was an alien from another planet. This look then slowly morphed into more of a there-is-no-place-on-this-planet-you-can-ever-hide-from-me expression of demonic anger.

My wife's boss heard the thud of the steak-on-window impact and came quickly. She took in the scene, the steak sitting on the window sill, the blood trail, my empty plate, and then gave me an inquisitive, puzzled look.

I just didn't know what to say. It felt like a minute of silence, but was probably 3 or 4 seconds. Finally, the best I could manage was "I... I'm so sorry. I am such a clutz... I don't know... I was just cutting it.. and... it... ... it slipped... just ask my wife, I really am a clutz... right honey?... (no help coming from that direction) ... I will clean this up... I can't believe this... I am so sorry" etc... etc...

Both women continued to stare at me like I had escaped from the loony bin, as I smeared the blood around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the steak, and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation. I knew no one was buying the story.

I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my seat and proceeded to eat every bite of that disgusting, cold, chewy, bloody, raw steak.

I remained pretty quiet the rest of the evening. My wife's only two words to me since the incident are "I'm fine".

TL;DR: Tried to sneakily throw my under-cooked steak through an open window... only to find out it wasn't open.

Edit: Wow, thanks stranger!!

Update: Just got the first post-"I'm fine" communication from my wife, via text, who is at work...

"good news, [boss' name] and i just had a good laugh over how much of a fucking idiot u are. i hope u know u will never live this down. love u you moron"

"

LMFAO!! Brilliant!!!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Last night, my wife's boss from her brand new job invited us over for dinner. On the drive over, my wife reiterated many times to me just how important it was to make a good impression.

I scoffed and arrogantly informed my silly wife that I always make good impressions.

My wife's boss is a single lady in her fifties, so it was just the three of us. We chitchatted over drinks and salads and seemed to really be hitting it off. She laughed at my well-timed, perfectly-appropriate jokes and my wife seemed pleased.

Soon she brought out the main course, a nice big juicy steak for each of us. As I began to cut into my steak, I was discouraged to discover how under cooked this steak was.

Now, I've had my fair share of rare steak. I prefer medium, but I can handle rare. This was several-minutes-on-a-hot-grill short of rare. I probably could've resuscitated the cow had I tried. Instead, I sat there fidgeting with my knife and fork, worrying about how I was going to get away with not eating this steak.

Claim vegan-ism? No, I'd already feigned great enthusiasm upon seeing the steak.

Just then, our hostess excused herself to the kitchen to take care of some dessert preparations. As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open window of this 3rd story apartment... a cartoon light bulb appeared over my head.

I knew I had to be decisive, realizing that she could return at any moment. I committed. I grabbed the steak with my hand, gently shook off the juice and executed a perfect throw right through the center of the open window.

Here's the big time FU. The window wasn't open. It was the cleanest fricking window you've ever seen in your life. That is, until my mostly raw slab of steak slammed up against it and slowly slid down leaving a trail of bloody juice in its wake.

My wife - who's steak was a nice medium rare and was unaware of my predicament - turned, jaw dropped, and stared at me like I was an alien from another planet. This look then slowly morphed into more of a there-is-no-place-on-this-planet-you-can-ever-hide-from-me expression of demonic anger.

My wife's boss heard the thud of the steak-on-window impact and came quickly. She took in the scene, the steak sitting on the window sill, the blood trail, my empty plate, and then gave me an inquisitive, puzzled look.

I just didn't know what to say. It felt like a minute of silence, but was probably 3 or 4 seconds. Finally, the best I could manage was "I... I'm so sorry. I am such a clutz... I don't know... I was just cutting it.. and... it... ... it slipped... just ask my wife, I really am a clutz... right honey?... (no help coming from that direction) ... I will clean this up... I can't believe this... I am so sorry" etc... etc...

Both women continued to stare at me like I had escaped from the loony bin, as I smeared the blood around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the steak, and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation. I knew no one was buying the story.

I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my seat and proceeded to eat every bite of that disgusting, cold, chewy, bloody, raw steak.

I remained pretty quiet the rest of the evening. My wife's only two words to me since the incident are "I'm fine".

TL;DR: Tried to sneakily throw my under-cooked steak through an open window... only to find out it wasn't open.

Edit: Wow, thanks stranger!!

Update: Just got the first post-"I'm fine" communication from my wife, via text, who is at work...

"good news, [boss' name] and i just had a good laugh over how much of a fucking idiot u are. i hope u know u will never live this down. love u you moron"

LMFAO!! Brilliant!!! "

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why not just say ............. she would think more of you and think she was keeping you happy .

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lol - giggles lol

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Why not just say ............. she would think more of you and think she was keeping you happy ."

Didn't look that deep into it lol it was a off the moment story which really got me in fits!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *o30Woman
over a year ago

Lincoln

Absolutely brilliant, got tears streaming

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *reelove1969Couple
over a year ago

bristol

Seems odd to me ....in a restaurant do you fling food about the room or just ask the waiter if he can have a chat with the chef and put it back in the pan for a few more minutes ?

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Omfg love it

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why not just say ............. she would think more of you and think she was keeping you happy .

Didn't look that deep into it lol it was a off the moment story which really got me in fits!"
yes its a story and I was thinking I would be mad if I had made that dinner . lolol

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Oh I'm so glad it's had the same effect on others

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *essiCouple
over a year ago

suffolk

made us both chuckle til we wept lol

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Last night, my wife's boss from her brand new job invited us over for dinner. On the drive over, my wife reiterated many times to me just how important it was to make a good impression.

I scoffed and arrogantly informed my silly wife that I always make good impressions.

My wife's boss is a single lady in her fifties, so it was just the three of us. We chitchatted over drinks and salads and seemed to really be hitting it off. She laughed at my well-timed, perfectly-appropriate jokes and my wife seemed pleased.

Soon she brought out the main course, a nice big juicy steak for each of us. As I began to cut into my steak, I was discouraged to discover how under cooked this steak was.

Now, I've had my fair share of rare steak. I prefer medium, but I can handle rare. This was several-minutes-on-a-hot-grill short of rare. I probably could've resuscitated the cow had I tried. Instead, I sat there fidgeting with my knife and fork, worrying about how I was going to get away with not eating this steak.

Claim vegan-ism? No, I'd already feigned great enthusiasm upon seeing the steak.

Just then, our hostess excused herself to the kitchen to take care of some dessert preparations. As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open window of this 3rd story apartment... a cartoon light bulb appeared over my head.

I knew I had to be decisive, realizing that she could return at any moment. I committed. I grabbed the steak with my hand, gently shook off the juice and executed a perfect throw right through the center of the open window.

Here's the big time FU. The window wasn't open. It was the cleanest fricking window you've ever seen in your life. That is, until my mostly raw slab of steak slammed up against it and slowly slid down leaving a trail of bloody juice in its wake.

My wife - who's steak was a nice medium rare and was unaware of my predicament - turned, jaw dropped, and stared at me like I was an alien from another planet. This look then slowly morphed into more of a there-is-no-place-on-this-planet-you-can-ever-hide-from-me expression of demonic anger.

My wife's boss heard the thud of the steak-on-window impact and came quickly. She took in the scene, the steak sitting on the window sill, the blood trail, my empty plate, and then gave me an inquisitive, puzzled look.

I just didn't know what to say. It felt like a minute of silence, but was probably 3 or 4 seconds. Finally, the best I could manage was "I... I'm so sorry. I am such a clutz... I don't know... I was just cutting it.. and... it... ... it slipped... just ask my wife, I really am a clutz... right honey?... (no help coming from that direction) ... I will clean this up... I can't believe this... I am so sorry" etc... etc...

Both women continued to stare at me like I had escaped from the loony bin, as I smeared the blood around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the steak, and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation. I knew no one was buying the story.

I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my seat and proceeded to eat every bite of that disgusting, cold, chewy, bloody, raw steak.

I remained pretty quiet the rest of the evening. My wife's only two words to me since the incident are "I'm fine".

TL;DR: Tried to sneakily throw my under-cooked steak through an open window... only to find out it wasn't open.

Edit: Wow, thanks stranger!!

Update: Just got the first post-"I'm fine" communication from my wife, via text, who is at work...

"good news, [boss' name] and i just had a good laugh over how much of a fucking idiot u are. i hope u know u will never live this down. love u you moron"

"

You just cut and pasted that off rebrn.com

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Last night, my wife's boss from her brand new job invited us over for dinner. On the drive over, my wife reiterated many times to me just how important it was to make a good impression.

I scoffed and arrogantly informed my silly wife that I always make good impressions.

My wife's boss is a single lady in her fifties, so it was just the three of us. We chitchatted over drinks and salads and seemed to really be hitting it off. She laughed at my well-timed, perfectly-appropriate jokes and my wife seemed pleased.

Soon she brought out the main course, a nice big juicy steak for each of us. As I began to cut into my steak, I was discouraged to discover how under cooked this steak was.

Now, I've had my fair share of rare steak. I prefer medium, but I can handle rare. This was several-minutes-on-a-hot-grill short of rare. I probably could've resuscitated the cow had I tried. Instead, I sat there fidgeting with my knife and fork, worrying about how I was going to get away with not eating this steak.

Claim vegan-ism? No, I'd already feigned great enthusiasm upon seeing the steak.

Just then, our hostess excused herself to the kitchen to take care of some dessert preparations. As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open window of this 3rd story apartment... a cartoon light bulb appeared over my head.

I knew I had to be decisive, realizing that she could return at any moment. I committed. I grabbed the steak with my hand, gently shook off the juice and executed a perfect throw right through the center of the open window.

Here's the big time FU. The window wasn't open. It was the cleanest fricking window you've ever seen in your life. That is, until my mostly raw slab of steak slammed up against it and slowly slid down leaving a trail of bloody juice in its wake.

My wife - who's steak was a nice medium rare and was unaware of my predicament - turned, jaw dropped, and stared at me like I was an alien from another planet. This look then slowly morphed into more of a there-is-no-place-on-this-planet-you-can-ever-hide-from-me expression of demonic anger.

My wife's boss heard the thud of the steak-on-window impact and came quickly. She took in the scene, the steak sitting on the window sill, the blood trail, my empty plate, and then gave me an inquisitive, puzzled look.

I just didn't know what to say. It felt like a minute of silence, but was probably 3 or 4 seconds. Finally, the best I could manage was "I... I'm so sorry. I am such a clutz... I don't know... I was just cutting it.. and... it... ... it slipped... just ask my wife, I really am a clutz... right honey?... (no help coming from that direction) ... I will clean this up... I can't believe this... I am so sorry" etc... etc...

Both women continued to stare at me like I had escaped from the loony bin, as I smeared the blood around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the steak, and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation. I knew no one was buying the story.

I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my seat and proceeded to eat every bite of that disgusting, cold, chewy, bloody, raw steak.

I remained pretty quiet the rest of the evening. My wife's only two words to me since the incident are "I'm fine".

TL;DR: Tried to sneakily throw my under-cooked steak through an open window... only to find out it wasn't open.

Edit: Wow, thanks stranger!!

Update: Just got the first post-"I'm fine" communication from my wife, via text, who is at work...

"good news, [boss' name] and i just had a good laugh over how much of a fucking idiot u are. i hope u know u will never live this down. love u you moron"

You just cut and pasted that off rebrn.com

"

No I got it off reddit, is that the same thing?

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

Some great stories on reddit

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm not had to amuse but that was just dull.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

It's not everyone's cup of tea but it is mine

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Have to bump this feel under appreciated for this post of genius lol

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had tears I was laughing so much ... Thankyou

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

If you want a funny reddit story, find the one about the Rottweiler, the monkey and the baseball bat

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I had tears I was laughing so much ... Thankyou

"

Your welcome

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *iSTARessWoman
over a year ago

London

Was laughing out loud until I realised it isn't your story.

Somehow lost its vavavoom

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Absolutely hilarious!!!

Maybe she'll burn ur steak next time & leave the window open. X

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *eMontresMan
over a year ago

Halesowen

There's 5 mins of my life I won't get back - so you've learned how to use copy and paste - well done

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Although it's not your story it is funny...

I did a similar thing at my friends house after sat for a fair while, sipping very carefully on an awful glass of red wine my friend nipped out to the toilet. I couldn't face any more so I got up and poured it into a nearby plant pot. Little did I know that it was just going to run straight out of the bottom she came back into the room to find me frantically mopping it up before it dripped off the side onto her very clean, new cream carpet !! Luckily no damage was done , we had a good laugh about it and opened a bottle of white

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

Reddit thread: What is the most outlandish (hilarious, surprising) thing you have ever seen go down in public?

As a man that has reached the ripe old age of 48 I can promise you I have seen some shit go down. This one totally takes the cake for me though.

I was waiting out front of a truck stop back in the mid 80's. Sitting on a park bench with a guy that had a big Rottweiler kinda dog on a leash with him. I tried to make small talk but he was quite a sourpuss. So we sat in silence for a few minutes until the most unexpected thing I have ever seen, happened right before my very eyes.

While we were sitting there a big 18 wheeler pulls in without a trailer (bobtail) so he parks right up front like a normal car would. Inside the cab of the truck with the driver is a little monkey. The dance for the organ grinder kind. I think they are called Rhesus monkeys perhaps. Well the dog spots this lil monkey and proceeds to go apeshit over it. Lunging at the end of his leash and barking at the top of his lungs. Generally making a real spectacle of himself to say the least.

The driver is obviously upset, but not nearly as much as the monkey is. Actually upset may be the wrong adjective to use for the monkey though. In retrospect I think eagerly aggressive may be a more appropriate description for his disposition. He was pacing the dashboard back and forth. Never taking his eyes off of this very aggravating dog.

The driver opens his little triangle window that they don't make on cars anymore. The ones made for smokers back in the day. He yells out to this douche bag to call his dog off because it is upsetting his monkey. The guy laughs and says no way (I told you he was a jerk didn't I?). Says that his dog ain't bothering nobody. The dog hasn't shut up since he laid eyes on the monkey. I promise you he is bothering everybody for several blocks around.

Now here's where things start to get interesting. The driver says that if he doesn't call his dog off he's gonna let his monkey loose on that dog. Douche bag laughs and says that his dog would eat that monkey alive. Upon hearing this the driver leans over and reaches into his glove box I guess. Pulls out one of those tiny baseball bats like you used to get at Astroworld or carnivals, and places it in the monkeys hand.

The monkey obviously knows what's about to go down because he is now trying to squeeze out of that little triangular window I mentioned earlier. This monkey has murder in his eyes if I have ever seen it. Driver hollers "Last chance to save your dog's ass man." In response douche bag lets his dog off of the leash. Now we have a situation that has escalated to the point where we have a dog jumping up at the window and a monkey screaming profanities right back at him. Well, the driver finally rolls down the regular window and out leaps all kinds of miniature primate hell. The dog never knew what hit him. Quick as a flash this monkey is riding on the back of this dog's neck. His two back feet all wrapped up in his neck fur with one hand hanging onto an ear. The other hand as you may have guessed by now is steadily and mercilessly raining down blows about this dog's head and face. I mean hard blows. You can hear them whap whap whap.

Well it only took a moment for the dog to realize he was in way over his head. He bolts yelping bloody murder as he runs away at full speed. I mean this dog is running so fuckin hard he's throwing up tufts of grass and dirt as soon as he leaves pavement. The monkey still riding him and beating on him the whole time. Douche bag acts like he wants to fight now but several people including myself stepped in to stop that nonsense. In a couple of minutes or so the little monkey comes loping back with his little bat still in hand, and leaps up into the still open window of the truck to await his master who has gone on into the store.

That wanker ran off to try to go find his dog, but I don't know if he ever did. My ride showed up and I had to go. Never again in this lifetime will I see something so totally crazy and unexpected like that. I am both fortunate and humble to have been so privileged to be present for such an event.

So Reddit, please do tell. What's your craziest thing you have ever seen in public?

TL:DR Small monkey beats the shit out of large dog.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire

in what is now a 2 story race the monkey wins..

the steak one is more weird than 'funny'..

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This reminded me of a steak story (this one is all mine, no copy and pasting)

One Saturday evening many years ago me and my ex were having a child free evening so I decided to cook us a romantic meal.

Table set, candles and all, red wine, white wine. I'd really gone to town.

Our prawn cocktail starter went well, the wine flowed and we got into a conversation where we couldn't quite agree. Anyway, time for mainstream. Sirloin steak and all the trimmings.

The conversation was now getting a little heated and in my annoyance I picked up my plate and lobbed it at him. He ducked, the plate hit the wall behind him (which was newly painted) and I slowly watched the contents of my plate slither down the wall. I was livid. But hit the fecking roof when the ex walked over too the wall, fork in hand, picked my steak up and said ."dont you want this then .Oh by the way you need to clean that mess up!!!"

I've never liked steak since

.

Sorry, your story just reminded me of that day .

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Last night, my wife's boss from her brand new job invited us over for dinner. On the drive over, my wife reiterated many times to me just how important it was to make a good impression.

I scoffed and arrogantly informed my silly wife that I always make good impressions.

My wife's boss is a single lady in her fifties, so it was just the three of us. We chitchatted over drinks and salads and seemed to really be hitting it off. She laughed at my well-timed, perfectly-appropriate jokes and my wife seemed pleased.

Soon she brought out the main course, a nice big juicy steak for each of us. As I began to cut into my steak, I was discouraged to discover how under cooked this steak was.

Now, I've had my fair share of rare steak. I prefer medium, but I can handle rare. This was several-minutes-on-a-hot-grill short of rare. I probably could've resuscitated the cow had I tried. Instead, I sat there fidgeting with my knife and fork, worrying about how I was going to get away with not eating this steak.

Claim vegan-ism? No, I'd already feigned great enthusiasm upon seeing the steak.

Just then, our hostess excused herself to the kitchen to take care of some dessert preparations. As I looked across the fancy dining room table at the open window of this 3rd story apartment... a cartoon light bulb appeared over my head.

I knew I had to be decisive, realizing that she could return at any moment. I committed. I grabbed the steak with my hand, gently shook off the juice and executed a perfect throw right through the center of the open window.

Here's the big time FU. The window wasn't open. It was the cleanest fricking window you've ever seen in your life. That is, until my mostly raw slab of steak slammed up against it and slowly slid down leaving a trail of bloody juice in its wake.

My wife - who's steak was a nice medium rare and was unaware of my predicament - turned, jaw dropped, and stared at me like I was an alien from another planet. This look then slowly morphed into more of a there-is-no-place-on-this-planet-you-can-ever-hide-from-me expression of demonic anger.

My wife's boss heard the thud of the steak-on-window impact and came quickly. She took in the scene, the steak sitting on the window sill, the blood trail, my empty plate, and then gave me an inquisitive, puzzled look.

I just didn't know what to say. It felt like a minute of silence, but was probably 3 or 4 seconds. Finally, the best I could manage was "I... I'm so sorry. I am such a clutz... I don't know... I was just cutting it.. and... it... ... it slipped... just ask my wife, I really am a clutz... right honey?... (no help coming from that direction) ... I will clean this up... I can't believe this... I am so sorry" etc... etc...

Both women continued to stare at me like I had escaped from the loony bin, as I smeared the blood around the window with my cloth napkin, dusted off the steak, and continued to mutter my incoherent explanation. I knew no one was buying the story.

I knew what I had to do. I sheepishly returned to my seat and proceeded to eat every bite of that disgusting, cold, chewy, bloody, raw steak.

I remained pretty quiet the rest of the evening. My wife's only two words to me since the incident are "I'm fine".

TL;DR: Tried to sneakily throw my under-cooked steak through an open window... only to find out it wasn't open.

Edit: Wow, thanks stranger!!

Update: Just got the first post-"I'm fine" communication from my wife, via text, who is at work...

"good news, [boss' name] and i just had a good laugh over how much of a fucking idiot u are. i hope u know u will never live this down. love u you moron"

"

You've my friend are a fucking legend! You're both welcome round mine for dinner anytime!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Reddit thread: What is the most outlandish (hilarious, surprising) thing you have ever seen go down in public?

As a man that has reached the ripe old age of 48 I can promise you I have seen some shit go down. This one totally takes the cake for me though.

I was waiting out front of a truck stop back in the mid 80's. Sitting on a park bench with a guy that had a big Rottweiler kinda dog on a leash with him. I tried to make small talk but he was quite a sourpuss. So we sat in silence for a few minutes until the most unexpected thing I have ever seen, happened right before my very eyes.

While we were sitting there a big 18 wheeler pulls in without a trailer (bobtail) so he parks right up front like a normal car would. Inside the cab of the truck with the driver is a little monkey. The dance for the organ grinder kind. I think they are called Rhesus monkeys perhaps. Well the dog spots this lil monkey and proceeds to go apeshit over it. Lunging at the end of his leash and barking at the top of his lungs. Generally making a real spectacle of himself to say the least.

The driver is obviously upset, but not nearly as much as the monkey is. Actually upset may be the wrong adjective to use for the monkey though. In retrospect I think eagerly aggressive may be a more appropriate description for his disposition. He was pacing the dashboard back and forth. Never taking his eyes off of this very aggravating dog.

The driver opens his little triangle window that they don't make on cars anymore. The ones made for smokers back in the day. He yells out to this douche bag to call his dog off because it is upsetting his monkey. The guy laughs and says no way (I told you he was a jerk didn't I?). Says that his dog ain't bothering nobody. The dog hasn't shut up since he laid eyes on the monkey. I promise you he is bothering everybody for several blocks around.

Now here's where things start to get interesting. The driver says that if he doesn't call his dog off he's gonna let his monkey loose on that dog. Douche bag laughs and says that his dog would eat that monkey alive. Upon hearing this the driver leans over and reaches into his glove box I guess. Pulls out one of those tiny baseball bats like you used to get at Astroworld or carnivals, and places it in the monkeys hand.

The monkey obviously knows what's about to go down because he is now trying to squeeze out of that little triangular window I mentioned earlier. This monkey has murder in his eyes if I have ever seen it. Driver hollers "Last chance to save your dog's ass man." In response douche bag lets his dog off of the leash. Now we have a situation that has escalated to the point where we have a dog jumping up at the window and a monkey screaming profanities right back at him. Well, the driver finally rolls down the regular window and out leaps all kinds of miniature primate hell. The dog never knew what hit him. Quick as a flash this monkey is riding on the back of this dog's neck. His two back feet all wrapped up in his neck fur with one hand hanging onto an ear. The other hand as you may have guessed by now is steadily and mercilessly raining down blows about this dog's head and face. I mean hard blows. You can hear them whap whap whap.

Well it only took a moment for the dog to realize he was in way over his head. He bolts yelping bloody murder as he runs away at full speed. I mean this dog is running so fuckin hard he's throwing up tufts of grass and dirt as soon as he leaves pavement. The monkey still riding him and beating on him the whole time. Douche bag acts like he wants to fight now but several people including myself stepped in to stop that nonsense. In a couple of minutes or so the little monkey comes loping back with his little bat still in hand, and leaps up into the still open window of the truck to await his master who has gone on into the store.

That wanker ran off to try to go find his dog, but I don't know if he ever did. My ride showed up and I had to go. Never again in this lifetime will I see something so totally crazy and unexpected like that. I am both fortunate and humble to have been so privileged to be present for such an event.

So Reddit, please do tell. What's your craziest thing you have ever seen in public?

TL:DR Small monkey beats the shit out of large dog."

Collateral. You've won that one!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 
 

By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Tl;dr

:P

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
Post new Message to Thread
back to top