FabSwingers.com forum: partners who have aspergers

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I had an ex who I adored who has aspergers. It was a very difficult relationship and I had to end it because I found it incredibly difficult to cope with his quirks and control issues.

Does anyone here have a partner with aspergers. Or does anyone here have aspergers?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh I love it in soup

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have some personal experience....

most people assume that's they are nuts and should be medicated, there are many different levels to it, some you would hardly recognise, anything to do with the mind is complex.

not really helpful, but whatever.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've worked with one or two in the past. Sometimes they can just be rude/nasty and it's their personality, as opposed to a trait of the Asperger's.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Oh I love it in soup"

Did you find that funny?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My ex is a very successful business man. His issues are ocd and emotionally unaware. He would frequently upset me and have no ability to see why such behaviour would lead to such a normal and obvious reaction.

The ocd I can cope with. But the lack of emotional intelligence was hard.

He has come back into my life and I do genuinely adore him but I don't know if u can do it again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Oh I love it in soup

Did you find that funny?"
.

Err yeah,I always laugh at my own jokes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Oh I love it in soup

Did you find that funny?.

Err yeah,I always laugh at my own jokes

You are hilarious

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Oh I love it in soup

Did you find that funny?.

Err yeah,I always laugh at my own jokes

Just wrong.

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By *lwaysup4it69Couple
over a year ago

Kirkby in Ashfield

"My ex is a very successful business man. His issues are ocd and emotionally unaware. He would frequently upset me and have no ability to see why such behaviour would lead to such a normal and obvious reaction.

The ocd I can cope with. But the lack of emotional intelligence was hard.

He has come back into my life and I do genuinely adore him but I don't know if u can do it again."

I (Sean) have a son with it. I think your emotional intelligence comment is a bit harsh. You do not sound like you understood his issues fully first time so may be best for both of you to not to re Kindle things

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By *olyCheshireCatMan
over a year ago

Cheshire

Woah there pickle, she just said it was hard. She's just being honest I don't think it was harsh at all. Play nice x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Oh I love it in soup"

Youve obviously not got a loved one who suffers with the above. If you had i doubt you would make a joke out of it. Shame on you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The ocd I can cope with. But the lack of emotional intelligence was hard.

He has come back into my life and I do genuinely adore him but I don't know if u can do it again."

Emotional intelligence. You mean showing feelings etc because ppl on the spectrum are very intelligent indeed

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By *ub_liminalTVTV/TS
over a year ago

Belfast

Have a friend on the spectrum, he's fine in most situations and as emotional and caring as anyone else, so it's definitely inaccurate to tar all who happen to be on the spectrum as unemotional. It's a challenge that affects everyone living with it in different ways (based upon what I've observed and know of it)

That aside..

Sounds like Mr Darcy syndrome?

Trying to tame and mould an emotionally remote and blunt guy?

You may be fond of him but irrespective of his challenges in life , if he makes you feel like traah ,or asthough youre forever whirling around in a tornado of insecurity and low self esteem, it's not a healthy relationship.

Would you stay with this guy if he didn't have a labal to fall back upon to excuse the invalidating behaviour towards you?

His condition doesn't enter into it .

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

There have been a few threads where people have discussed their own experiences, I think the last was just within a week.

I think it's partly misunderstood by some because it's hard to describe what you don't have or experience. This then leads others to describe what it is for someone instead.

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By *olyCheshireCatMan
over a year ago

Cheshire

Bingo.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To the OP, although not officially diagnosed I'm almost certainly on the spectrum.

Will post more in depth when not pn my phone but very wary of relationships as I think my lack of ability to recognise situations meant it wasn't good for either of us.

I find people are so difficult to understand

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My daughter has aspergers and she really struggles with emotions I also dated a guy with aspergers and found that it was either all or.nothing! He would be too much either way if that makes sense! He was either over the top and quite possessive or very dismissive and blunt it was hard work and I ended it the end as he was so anxious at times it would ruin our time together. As for my daughter she is very much the same but she isn't being rude and its not about personality it is a constant struggle everyday for her and I'm sure it was the same for my ex. So working with someone you cant judge what they are like I live with it and it's not easy for her or for me! But I definitely understand where the OP is coming.from! X.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My son has childhood autism and aspergers, as well as ADHD...

He has a hard time reading people and cannot pick up on social cues ... He doesn't get why people get upset and you can't say anything to him in jest as he believes every word you say..

He's hard work but he's very loving and that makes it all worthwhile

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks for all your input. And re emotional intelligence. He has little or no awareness of why people feel the way they feel. That's one of the reasons he is very successful in work. He is uber logical and emotions don't come into it. He is exceptionally intelligent and kind but thoughtless and careless because of his condition.

I can't say I have a massive knowledge of the condition or the spectrum but emotions and social situations are challenging for a lot of people on the spectrum. I'm not dismissing or belittling anyone who has this condition. I'm more interested in those who love and live with family members who have it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Very good thread.... Was married to a guy for over 20 years who has all the symptoms... Due to my profession, I am knowledgeable about Aspergers. My ex is at an age where he'll never be diagnosed. He also is highly intelligent, caring, but he literally lives on an island emotionally He has no empathy, cannot read or hear people. When you confront him with this, he starts shouting at you...and make YOU feel bad..He was very controlling, rude and dominant as well but his intelligence and charisma overruled all that for a long time .I cannot and will not ever go back there as living with him has sucked the life out of me...Took me a long time to get back to normal but I'm getting there. And people please note that there is a spectrum...all.different levels...also everybody is different.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not a partner, but my brother does and it sometimes made things very difficult growing up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Me op

Feel free to inbox me as I'm on the spectrum and have studied autism and its effects on relationships.

I was diagnosed very late in life but the diagnosis was a huge relief as to why I couldn't see and feel stuff like others do.

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By *iss pickleWoman
over a year ago

luton

"I had an ex who I adored who has aspergers. It was a very difficult relationship and I had to end it because I found it incredibly difficult to cope with his quirks and control issues.

Does anyone here have a partner with aspergers. Or does anyone here have aspergers?"

My partner although he has never been diagnosed, believes he is on the spectrum. He eventually confided in me when I would get really upset that he would avoid social situations. It used to really upset me as I would think he just didn't want to be seen with me etc. He will attend social gatherings now but not all the time and he copes by playing on his phone. People think he is being rude but it is a coping mechanism. I am really struggling at the moment as if he gets into a mood it lasts for days and he just withdraws from me! I hate it. when things are good it's amazing, he is so good to me and my kids. But his moods when he is trying to deal with something really effect me. And trying to get him to open up and talk and I mean properly talk is like trying to get blood from a stone. I really love him, but I am now questioning if I can keep dealing with this or if it would be easier on my own! I am not in a great place right now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I had an ex who I adored who has aspergers. It was a very difficult relationship and I had to end it because I found it incredibly difficult to cope with his quirks and control issues.

Does anyone here have a partner with aspergers. Or does anyone here have aspergers?

Huge sympathies.

Is there anywhere in the house that he can call his own?

Sometimes even a shed to retreat to with his stuff in it is enough.

My coping mechanism is to be alone and self absorbed.

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By *iss pickleWoman
over a year ago

luton

"I had an ex who I adored who has aspergers. It was a very difficult relationship and I had to end it because I found it incredibly difficult to cope with his quirks and control issues.

Does anyone here have a partner with aspergers. Or does anyone here have aspergers?

Huge sympathies.

Is there anywhere in the house that he can call his own?

Sometimes even a shed to retreat to with his stuff in it is enough.

My coping mechanism is to be alone and self absorbed."

Yes the garage is his domain, he spends a lot of time in there, we have heating out there too and music etc!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I had an ex who I adored who has aspergers. It was a very difficult relationship and I had to end it because I found it incredibly difficult to cope with his quirks and control issues.

Does anyone here have a partner with aspergers. Or does anyone here have aspergers?

Huge sympathies.

Is there anywhere in the house that he can call his own?

Sometimes even a shed to retreat to with his stuff in it is enough.

My coping mechanism is to be alone and self absorbed.

Yes the garage is his domain, he spends a lot of time in there, we have heating out there too and music etc! "

That's good as it gives you both space.

I know we can be a nightmare to live with

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By *iss pickleWoman
over a year ago

luton

"I had an ex who I adored who has aspergers. It was a very difficult relationship and I had to end it because I found it incredibly difficult to cope with his quirks and control issues.

Does anyone here have a partner with aspergers. Or does anyone here have aspergers?

Huge sympathies.

Is there anywhere in the house that he can call his own?

Sometimes even a shed to retreat to with his stuff in it is enough.

My coping mechanism is to be alone and self absorbed.

Yes the garage is his domain, he spends a lot of time in there, we have heating out there too and music etc!

That's good as it gives you both space.

I know we can be a nightmare to live with

You can say that again lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Could I say don't try to get them to open up. It's like a total mental block that is very uncomfortable- let them do it in their own time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Oh I love it in soup

Did you find that funny?.

Err yeah,I always laugh at my own jokes

Just wrong.

Its an old gag but i still found it slightly amusing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have a nephew who was diagnosed with it and can see where the emotional un-intelligence comment comes from

He is like an encyclopedia on most subjects but has no empathy at all which can cause issues around new people as they think he is being rude.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have a nephew who was diagnosed with it and can see where the emotional un-intelligence comment comes from

He is like an encyclopedia on most subjects but has no empathy at all which can cause issues around new people as they think he is being rude. "

Same here. I have 'learned' the correct responses to emotions in order to fit in, but I don't feel them or understand them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've decided bollocks to new people and be myself again. Comes across as quirky but much less stress from me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm aspie and I don't struggle particularly with relationships or empathy. I do struggle with smalltalk and I can be guilty of taking things a bit too literally, but there are plenty of neurotypical people out there who are similar so I'm not too unusual in that respect.

With regards to autism and empathy, there is a theory that suggests people on the spectrum have too much, not too little. As children the influx of information is overwhelming so they shut out whatever causes them to overload ie they stop engaging with other people. As a result they don't learn the social cues and appropriate responses that neurotypical children learn, which results in socially disengaged or awkward adults. Google 'Intense World Theory', it makes much more sense than anything Baron-Cohen has come up with.

Nell

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Zero Degrees of Empathy by Simon Baron-Cohen

Brilliant book, gives an insight.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Overwhelming is a very accurate phrase - my sense levels where i become uncomfortable change at times. Smells and sounds especially.

Not anymore but can induce a sort of paralysis where you just get toomuch

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I notice this with ex. Esp the tv which is difficult as I am deaf. So he can become stressed in loud environments.

We went out last night for dinner and had a lovely time. I think that whatever happens here it will be a very casual affair.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I notice this with ex. Esp the tv which is difficult as I am deaf. So he can become stressed in loud environments.

We went out last night for dinner and had a lovely time. I think that whatever happens here it will be a very casual affair."

good luck with however it goes

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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago

Paisley

I have a friend on here and he has Aspergers. He struggles with reading people and friendships. His words not mine.

At the moment he is quite down. Any advice on how to support him? I am quite clued up on the spectrum and autism but mainly with children.

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By *oderndaylivesCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

The ocd I can cope with. But the lack of emotional intelligence was hard.

He has come back into my life and I do genuinely adore him but I don't know if u can do it again.

Emotional intelligence. You mean showing feelings etc because ppl on the spectrum are very intelligent indeed

Emotional intelligence, showing feelings (empathy), and intelligence are three very different things.

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"I have a nephew who was diagnosed with it and can see where the emotional un-intelligence comment comes from

He is like an encyclopedia on most subjects but has no empathy at all which can cause issues around new people as they think he is being rude.

Same here. I have 'learned' the correct responses to emotions in order to fit in, but I don't feel them or understand them"

What a fascinating statement, I would love to know more about how that works for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have a nephew who was diagnosed with it and can see where the emotional un-intelligence comment comes from

He is like an encyclopedia on most subjects but has no empathy at all which can cause issues around new people as they think he is being rude.

Same here. I have 'learned' the correct responses to emotions in order to fit in, but I don't feel them or understand them

What a fascinating statement, I would love to know more about how that works for you."

Well, few people realise Im autistic unless they know me well, so I presume I'm doing ok at pretending.

Is that what you meant?

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By *uby0000Woman
over a year ago

hertfordshire

[Removed by poster at 24/08/16 00:08:07]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm an Aspey and so is my son.

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"I have a nephew who was diagnosed with it and can see where the emotional un-intelligence comment comes from

He is like an encyclopedia on most subjects but has no empathy at all which can cause issues around new people as they think he is being rude.

Same here. I have 'learned' the correct responses to emotions in order to fit in, but I don't feel them or understand them

What a fascinating statement, I would love to know more about how that works for you.

Well, few people realise Im autistic unless they know me well, so I presume I'm doing ok at pretending.

Is that what you meant?"

Yes, I was hoping to get some insight in to what it feels like to imitate that which you do not feel - I will reply to your PM, thanks x

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