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D/s relationships

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Dominance and submission

TOP 10 SIGNS HE'S AN ASSHOLE, NOT A DOMINANT

For all the single submissives out there looking for love, I get it. No really, I do. You yearn to submit to a Dominant, and it seems like finding the right one is nearly impossible. Many of you will take what you can get because you don’t think you deserve better. Others don’t seem to know the difference between genuine affection or interest and the assholes who are waiting in wings for you.

I often go on lengthy diatribes about what’s okay and what isn’t between a Dominant and a submissive. I also frequently go on rants because people are made to feel that normal, healthy desires or sexual activities can’t have a place in BDSM. For anyone who doesn’t have the time for all that, here’s a handy-dandy list of what separates the Dominants from the assholes so you’ll know one when you find them.

Note: This is directed at male Dominants for two reasons. One, that’s my main experience, and two, I’ve never heard of Dommes pulling this kind of crap. If they do, share with me in the comments below so everyone can be aware.

1. He demands you call him Sir or Master from the moment you meet. You’re a submissive, not his submissive. I advocate being respectful until he gives you a reason not to be, but anyone who demands a title before it’s earned needs to be ignored.

2. He starts out an introduction with a dick pic. No Dominant is going to send you this without some sort of agreement between the two of you. It’s just not going to happen.

3. He sends you unsolicited instructions of how to please him or orders to obey. Did you talk about this list? Was there communication and consent? If not, this is just another poser.

4. He ignores your hard limits. Don’t just walk away from this loser, fucking run. Ignoring your clearly identified and communicated limits is the sign of an asshole and an abuser. A Dominant will push your limits, sure, but not without first talking to you – a lot.

5. He disregards your safe word.Yes, some Dominants out there claim not to play with a safe word. I find that dicey but won’t pass too much judgment. If you use a safe word, though, it should be respected. Ignoring this is just more abuse.

6. He lies. I know some people will say that everyone lies. White lies to save face or feelings. Most Dominants I know are honest to a fault. Think about it. How can you communicate openly and honestly if you’ll lie about things – big or small? John Brownstone doesn’t lie; he simply refrains from speaking until the time is right to tell the truth. I can respect that.

7. He thinks more about his pleasure than your own. Caveat: if you’ve negotiated a relationship where this is acceptable to both of you (yes, that’s possible), that’s okay. Not my kink, but okay. I’m referring to the jerk who gets off and then ignores you or doesn’t listen when you tell him your preferences.

8. He makes you feel bad about yourself. I’m not talking about a humiliation fetish in the middle of a scene or even as part of an on-going relationship. I’m talking about the soul-sucking, self-esteem shattering bullshit that makes you feel less than human and unworthy of love and affection. D/s should build both people up, not tear you down.

9. He separates you from family and friends. Okay, let’s be honest here. Some people are just bad for us. They make us feel bad and doubt our self worth. I don’t mean those people. I’m talking about loving relationships with friends and family. A good Dominant wants a happy, healthy submissive – and isolating you from people who care about you won’t achieve that. Frankly, it will simply show that he’s selfish and, most likely, insecure.

10. He tells you that you’re not a “real” submissive because you have your own opinions. In a D/s relationship, how you express those opinions will vary based on your consensual, negotiated agreement but you should always have your own opinions. The other flavor that goes with this one is that you’re not a real submissive because you’re too independent, aggressive, or (best of all) not willing to do what you’re told by someone you just met who claims to be a Dominant. (Insert big, fat eyeroll.)

Assuming you’re online when these things occur (and it usually does), I also think you can be proactive in dealing with these men. First of all, you are under no obligation to reply to a message that includes anything you find offensive. If you tell them to stop or to leave you alone, you can and should ignore them. You don’t have to continue following or being “friends” with these people online. The unfollow, unfriend, and block features are all there for a reason. Use them. If it crosses over to harassment, you should report them to whichever site you’re on.

Once you’re in a relationship, you must remember that you’re free to end it. You are allowed to withdraw your consent. If he doesn’t listen, he’s no longer acting as a Dominant. Now he’s an abuser. And he should be treated as such – even if that means getting the law involved. Your physical, emotional, and mental well-being truly are that important.

If someone does a couple of the things on this list, they might (but I doubt it) simply be too new to understand how D/s really works. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt, but I’d also move on and not engage with them. Let them learn the hard way – or end up alone, either way works for me. When you come across the guy who does most of these things, he’s not a Dominant. He’s an asshole. Don’t waste your time or breath on him.

and you need to remember it and believe it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fair enough.

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By *helbeeCouple
over a year ago

Nuneaton

I agree with no 2 an 3 on the list

Also another red flag is a guy who try to control you on a first meet..ie specific rules

Ie if he buys you a dress you wear it for him only an no other guy .ie putting conditions on things he buys for you..A red flag girls

Not allowed to talk about other guys in front of him

An concentrate only on him when your in his company another red flag

Like trying to posses you an own you

There is no way a guy will ever control me this way

An agree to those sort of rules an constraints

I'm single an don't want a relationship I do nsa hence im on fabs as i don't want a relationship

If a guy on a first meet imposes these sort of rules bail out Girls an always trust your instincts

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

11. Won't admit their own lack of knowledge in a given area. Clearly lies about the depth of understanding they have. Often covered with 'it's my job to ask the questions not yours'

Good list, maybe not definitive but definitely a helpful guide. Makes sense and would save a lot of people hurt going into the future I think.

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By *urvymamaWoman
over a year ago

Doncaster

Thanks for the tips but its just common sense to me

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By *oc-robMan
over a year ago

Sunderland

Totally agree

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Good list

I also find those who shout about how Dom they are to be a bit on the dull side. If you come across someone who has a clue about the whole dynamic, they don't need to shout about it.

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

Another good tip.

Figure out the difference between Dominant and Domineering...

One is really easy to find, the other is a Dominant.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks for the tips but its just common sense to me "

I was gonna say...it reads like "if someone is an arsehole...this means they are an arsehole"

Still, I guess some people need the obvious pointing out so there's no harm in the thread I suppose

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Good list

I also find those who shout about how Dom they are to be a bit on the dull side. If you come across someone who has a clue about the whole dynamic, they don't need to shout about it. "

This!

Sarah

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The guys who proclaim to be a Dom in chat rooms, and try and act the big I am to all the guys as well in the room ......now that's damn funny

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By *helbeeCouple
over a year ago

Nuneaton

One guy try to domineer me on a first meet ...an failed lol

The trouble is some people don't know the difference in it they think they can rule an dominant outside of sex an it never works

An i think they try an test boundaries if your weak an do what they say

I never do as as I'm told lol

An a guy finds out very quickly I don't tolerate being controlled told what to do

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Rushing into things as well.

I never feel comfortable with anyone who says they want to do D/s stuff and wants to rush into everything. Like give me a chance to get to know you properly so i don't fuck up and feel bad about anything that happens.

I'm not submissive but plenty of sub guys tend to be pushy, manipulative, and try to rush things. I don't feel like they've submitted to me at all and am pretty sure they aren't actually submissive.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Alternatively, just have a balanced relationship without sub/dom extreames.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Rushing into things as well.

I never feel comfortable with anyone who says they want to do D/s stuff and wants to rush into everything. Like give me a chance to get to know you properly so i don't fuck up and feel bad about anything that happens.

I'm not submissive but plenty of sub guys tend to be pushy, manipulative, and try to rush things. I don't feel like they've submitted to me at all and am pretty sure they aren't actually submissive."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And there's ways of getting to know people other than sex chat that give me an idea about a person and how submissive they are as well. Before people start messaging me great big lists of sexual likes and dislikes they wanna try out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Good list

I also find those who shout about how Dom they are to be a bit on the dull side. If you come across someone who has a clue about the whole dynamic, they don't need to shout about it. "

I can see your point, but some people are really proud of it, like myself, it took a lot if soul searching, and questioning myself, to get to be the person I am now, and it was hard, in the beginning, I felt like there was something wrong with me, like I was an abuser or something, but lots of reading and talking to people more experienced than me rounded and grounded me, I'm now 80% happy with the skills and knowledge that I have, but I still have things I want and need to learn.

But I'm very proud to be a dom, proud to be a part of something that some people don't understand, but is more freeing, and nurturing for people on both ends if the whip, than some peoples (not all) fake and unhealthy possessive vanilla relationships.

SSC is at the core of D/s relationships, and I can't imagine being in any other kind if relationship, simply because only someone into bdsm will understand and get the best out if me.

So yeah, when people say that someone who is a dom, doesn't mention it, I would disagree, because, I mention it, I'm proud of it, and its been a long road to get to where I am mentally, that I feel relaxed enough to be me.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

You already posted this yesterday on one of the other Boards although it wasn't that well received

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"You already posted this yesterday on one of the other Boards although it wasn't that well received"

I'll have a look at the replies.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

These kinds of relationships are personal to each couple and differ massively. I've had someone I just met exclaim that I was submissive (as he was fucking me) and crack me around the face with his hand. He looked shocked when I protested. Some confuse abuse with dominance.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Unsolicited instructions, lists, like the irony after reading your post.

To me it's a dance, it doesn't take much to know if you are out of step.

Plus, every submissive i've met has had the intelligence to know what they want, I suspect intelligence is a prerequisite to this type of play and as such they have the ability to recognise what the others traits are.

Just thoughts, not thoughts not set in concrete though, as Korzybski said, "the part with the most flexibility controls the system'.

Have a good one.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

Love this as some sadly DO need the obvious pointing out to them.

When you are in a mess it's easy to drown in it and not even know you are doing - been there

But not anymore

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By *ecretlyASoftieWoman
over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly


"You already posted this yesterday on one of the other Boards although it wasn't that well received

I'll have a look at the replies. "

It's also not your writing - copy and pasted from a woman's website without accreditation or reference

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Speaking as a person with over 20 years experience in D/s & Bdsm, I have to agree with the sentiment of the op, but it did come across as a little agressive. Just my view.

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By *aeBabeWoman
over a year ago

London


"You already posted this yesterday on one of the other Boards although it wasn't that well received

I'll have a look at the replies.

It's also not your writing - copy and pasted from a woman's website without accreditation or reference "

Yup. Stuck on repeat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Love this as some sadly DO need the obvious pointing out to them.

When you are in a mess it's easy to drown in it and not even know you are doing - been there

But not anymore "

and sometimes when it is written in black and white - whether it is copied from somewhere - it might help some one realise what a prat they have been, that they have been bullied not cared for! Make a lightbulb switch on - just did for me!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This couldn't have come at a better time ... Thank you x

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By *urvymamaWoman
over a year ago

Doncaster


"Love this as some sadly DO need the obvious pointing out to them.

When you are in a mess it's easy to drown in it and not even know you are doing - been there

But not anymore "

In most abusive relationships people don't see it until they are ready to regardless of who tells them what to the contrary

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By *cd and scruffCouple
over a year ago

Rochester


"You already posted this yesterday on one of the other Boards although it wasn't that well received

I'll have a look at the replies.

It's also not your writing - copy and pasted from a woman's website without accreditation or reference "

I thought i had read that before.

But still, i think it is good.

My belief is that the sub has all the control.

They allow you to use them and they can stop you too.

And surely if you love someone, whether d/s or not then you build them up anyway. You want them to feel as special as you see them. Just a thought.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

My belief is that the sub has all the control.

They allow you to use them and they can stop you too.

And surely if you love someone, whether d/s or not then you build them up anyway. You want them to feel as special as you see them. Just a thought."

I think it's not a good idea to generalise in such ways.

The subs don't hold the control in all d/s relationships. Not everyone loves their partner. And not everyone builds up slowly to make people feel special.

That doesn't make those relationships less good or less ideal, just different.

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire


"You already posted this yesterday on one of the other Boards although it wasn't that well received

I'll have a look at the replies.

It's also not your writing - copy and pasted from a woman's website without accreditation or reference

I thought i had read that before.

But still, i think it is good.

My belief is that the sub has all the control.

They allow you to use them and they can stop you too.

And surely if you love someone, whether d/s or not then you build them up anyway. You want them to feel as special as you see them. Just a thought."

Problem is it doesn't have to involve love though. Certainly initially anyway

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 19/02/16 13:43:30]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My opinion is that subs hold all the control in a D/s relationship. S/m relationships are a whole different ball game. As far as love is concerned it can be part of the relationship be it D/s, S/m or a combination of the two. But it's not a requirement of either.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 19/02/16 13:47:29]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well said.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My opinion is that subs hold all the control in a D/s relationship. S/m relationships are a whole different ball game. "

Yours might work that way, but not everybody's does. That's all I'm saying.

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

All the control?

Doesn't that depend on the relationship?

At the risk of being controversial, I think subs like to tell other subs they hold all the control particularly.

Really doesn't it come down to when a D/s relationship starts or the option to walk away. Or agreeing to partake in a scene or not. And hard limits/crossing to far into soft limits.

Wouldn't it be pretty pointless if a sub held 'all the control' surely that's more like role reversal.

A sub has choice sure. But is that control?

You may now all jump all over what I have said lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My opinion is that subs hold all the control in a D/s relationship. S/m relationships are a whole different ball game.

Yours might work that way, but not everybody's does. That's all I'm saying."

I agree with you every situation is different and Bdsm is a highly complex thing. That being said any senario where a safe word is in place gives control to the person who has the option to use it. Therefore they have overall control of the senario. I'm my mind that can only apply to D/s. S/m can't have the same applied to it as control is firmly with the Sadist and in turn is removed from the m. Love can be applied to either relationships but is mot a requirement of either.

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire


"My opinion is that subs hold all the control in a D/s relationship. S/m relationships are a whole different ball game.

Yours might work that way, but not everybody's does. That's all I'm saying.

I agree with you every situation is different and Bdsm is a highly complex thing. That being said any senario where a safe word is in place gives control to the person who has the option to use it. Therefore they have overall control of the senario. I'm my mind that can only apply to D/s. S/m can't have the same applied to it as control is firmly with the Sadist and in turn is removed from the m. Love can be applied to either relationships but is mot a requirement of either. "

As masochist can't safe word out?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I agree with you every situation is different and Bdsm is a highly complex thing. That being said any senario where a safe word is in place gives control to the person who has the option to use it. Therefore they have overall control of the senario. I'm my mind that can only apply to D/s."

Plenty of people, like myself, play without safe words with certain people.

My sub really has one point of control - to leave the relationship. If he leaves the relationship then we don't have a relationship anymore. It's not really control.

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

I think every D/s relationship is different and it's very much decided between the people involved.

However, as is very clear from this thread is that some people have no idea what it's all about and that's okay. I think you are one or the other or you switch in between but if you don't understand it then the chances are you never will. On the other hand, basic advice such as in the OP, regardless of who wrote it, is welcome by at least one person and I think that's a really good thing.

As a community, it would be nice to see us sharing the different angles without arguing over who is right and who is wrong. The bottom line is that it's very different in each relationship so rather than confirming its odd to those with no understanding, wouldn't it be better to educate?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think every D/s relationship is different and it's very much decided between the people involved.

However, as is very clear from this thread is that some people have no idea what it's all about and that's okay. I think you are one or the other or you switch in between but if you don't understand it then the chances are you never will. On the other hand, basic advice such as in the OP, regardless of who wrote it, is welcome by at least one person and I think that's a really good thing.

As a community, it would be nice to see us sharing the different angles without arguing over who is right and who is wrong. The bottom line is that it's very different in each relationship so rather than confirming its odd to those with no understanding, wouldn't it be better to educate? "

I think most importantly people should remember that you can be dominant AND an asshole. It's perfectly possible to be both.

Being a dominant doesn't mean you can't be an asshole. Being a dominant doesn't always make you a good person. Being a dominant doesn't always make you compatible with submissives just because you follow a checklist that one person wrote.

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh


"I think every D/s relationship is different and it's very much decided between the people involved.

However, as is very clear from this thread is that some people have no idea what it's all about and that's okay. I think you are one or the other or you switch in between but if you don't understand it then the chances are you never will. On the other hand, basic advice such as in the OP, regardless of who wrote it, is welcome by at least one person and I think that's a really good thing.

As a community, it would be nice to see us sharing the different angles without arguing over who is right and who is wrong. The bottom line is that it's very different in each relationship so rather than confirming its odd to those with no understanding, wouldn't it be better to educate?

I think most importantly people should remember that you can be dominant AND an asshole. It's perfectly possible to be both.

Being a dominant doesn't mean you can't be an asshole. Being a dominant doesn't always make you a good person. Being a dominant doesn't always make you compatible with submissives just because you follow a checklist that one person wrote."

Much like every area in life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I fully understand that everyone's view is different and in turn accept that. My point was that my opinion is that there is an inherent difference between Dom/sub & Sadist/machoist.

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh


"I fully understand that everyone's view is different and in turn accept that. My point was that my opinion is that there is an inherent difference between Dom/sub & Sadist/machoist. "

In my opinion the two can also be integrated so I think generally it's such a big tin of worms so I'm not sure that there are hard and fast rules for it. Each relationship is totally different depending on the people involved.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I think every D/s relationship is different and it's very much decided between the people involved.

However, as is very clear from this thread is that some people have no idea what it's all about and that's okay. I think you are one or the other or you switch in between but if you don't understand it then the chances are you never will. On the other hand, basic advice such as in the OP, regardless of who wrote it, is welcome by at least one person and I think that's a really good thing.

As a community, it would be nice to see us sharing the different angles without arguing over who is right and who is wrong. The bottom line is that it's very different in each relationship so rather than confirming its odd to those with no understanding, wouldn't it be better to educate? "

Dirty girl at her best

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I fully understand that everyone's view is different and in turn accept that. My point was that my opinion is that there is an inherent difference between Dom/sub & Sadist/masochist. "

Yes, it's usually that the masochists have much more control over the situation. Submissives usually have less control than masochists.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I fully understand that everyone's view is different and in turn accept that. My point was that my opinion is that there is an inherent difference between Dom/sub & Sadist/machoist.

In my opinion the two can also be integrated so I think generally it's such a big tin of worms so I'm not sure that there are hard and fast rules for it. Each relationship is totally different depending on the people involved. "

I totally agree with you. It's the most complex thing I've ever come across.

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh


"I fully understand that everyone's view is different and in turn accept that. My point was that my opinion is that there is an inherent difference between Dom/sub & Sadist/machoist.

In my opinion the two can also be integrated so I think generally it's such a big tin of worms so I'm not sure that there are hard and fast rules for it. Each relationship is totally different depending on the people involved.

I totally agree with you. It's the most complex thing I've ever come across."

Yup... complicated doesn't really cover it but once you get the dynamic right it's the most fabulous experience.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This was copied from D/s dungeon on faceyB, was it not

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This was copied from D/s dungeon on faceyB, was it not "

It's a great thing to follow - if BDSM is of interest x

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

Who the Fuff is John Brownstone ?

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

The John Brownstone who doesn't lie in number 6.

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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville


"Love this as some sadly DO need the obvious pointing out to them.

When you are in a mess it's easy to drown in it and not even know you are doing - been there

But not anymore

In most abusive relationships people don't see it until they are ready to regardless of who tells them what to the contrary "

A lot have no idea they're even being abused. Oddly my profile is about similar.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I agree with you every situation is different and Bdsm is a highly complex thing. That being said any senario where a safe word is in place gives control to the person who has the option to use it. Therefore they have overall control of the senario. I'm my mind that can only apply to D/s.

Plenty of people, like myself, play without safe words with certain people.

My sub really has one point of control - to leave the relationship. If he leaves the relationship then we don't have a relationship anymore. It's not really control."

But you would never say that someone's dynamic is wrong, or say they wernt a real dom/sub would you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I agree with you every situation is different and Bdsm is a highly complex thing. That being said any senario where a safe word is in place gives control to the person who has the option to use it. Therefore they have overall control of the senario. I'm my mind that can only apply to D/s.

Plenty of people, like myself, play without safe words with certain people.

My sub really has one point of control - to leave the relationship. If he leaves the relationship then we don't have a relationship anymore. It's not really control.

But you would never say that someone's dynamic is wrong, or say they wernt a real dom/sub would you"

No, absolutely. Because I get really cheesed off when people tell me I'm not a real dom / sub / etc. People love oneupmanship. People love to think that their relationship is superior. Unfortunately it just comes across as judgey and unpleasant.

As long as everyone is having fun, enjoying themselves, and consenting (or consensually non-consenting) then as far as I'm concerned that's fucking awesome.

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