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family dilema

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Yesterday I was contacted my my exes aunt, concerning my exes estranged father, he wants to have contact with my son, and the whole idea fills me with dread.

He'd a pretty poor example of a human being. And its not just my opinion, he has called me and my son n*gger, he has made threats to kill me, told people I owe him money, he is a fantasist and a lair, and I don't really want my some to be subjected to that and see him as any kind of role model.

But I'm worried that cutting my son off from that side if his family is going to bad for him in the long run, I don't want my son left alone in that house, because thus guy is a bully and a know it all, and swans around.d with his un-earned sense if entitlement, and measures love by how much money you spend on someone.

my gut reaction. is telling me to tell him to fuck off, but I've git to work out if that would be in my sons best interest, or not, and if I do allow him contact, can I stop myself from kicking 7 shades if shit out if him.

any ideas

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By *otblondewife hornyMrCouple
over a year ago

Cambuslang

Not much of a dilemma for me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If he's that much of a douche then surely job one would be making sure he never sees your son!

As a father I'm always trying to make sure my kids have the right influences, have a safe environment. Why would you put him in a situation that is neither?

Just because someone is a blood relation doesn't mean they're family

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not going in to details but I'm in a similar situation with my father in law, he hasn't seen his grandson for over 4 years, my son is 16 now and I recently asked him if not seeing his grandad was bothering him, he told me cause of his actions he'd rather not see him again, how old is your son? My son feels that having his grandad in his life won't inprove his quality of life, so, it's being left as it is. As the old saying goes, you can't choose family.

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman
over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!

If he's not a good influence then no definitely not.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

this man would be no great loss to your son

keep him well away

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I just don't want him to be kept away from his Jewish heritage, but I don't know if that's enough to warrant him having contact with him, I just want what's TRULY best for him, and not clouded by my hate for his grandfather

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I just don't want him to be kept away from his Jewish heritage, but I don't know if that's enough to warrant him having contact with him, I just want what's TRULY best for him, and not clouded by my hate for his grandfather"

There are lots of ways of keeping up with heritage like that, it doesn't have to come from him. If he's such a horrible person then dont let your son anywhere near him

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By *ivemeyoursoulWoman
over a year ago

Easter just around the corner!


"I just don't want him to be kept away from his Jewish heritage, but I don't know if that's enough to warrant him having contact with him, I just want what's TRULY best for him, and not clouded by my hate for his grandfather"

Well if you hate him,why would it be any different for your son. Do you think he'll act differently infront of him?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sounds like a no brainer to me - to put son at risk is a no no

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Yesterday I was contacted my my exes aunt, concerning my exes estranged father, he wants to have contact with my son, and the whole idea fills me with dread.

He'd a pretty poor example of a human being. And its not just my opinion, he has called me and my son n*gger, he has made threats to kill me, told people I owe him money, he is a fantasist and a lair, and I don't really want my some to be subjected to that and see him as any kind of role model.

But I'm worried that cutting my son off from that side if his family is going to bad for him in the long run, I don't want my son left alone in that house, because thus guy is a bully and a know it all, and swans around.d with his un-earned sense if entitlement, and measures love by how much money you spend on someone.

my gut reaction. is telling me to tell him to fuck off, but I've git to work out if that would be in my sons best interest, or not, and if I do allow him contact, can I stop myself from kicking 7 shades if shit out if him.

any ideas"
not a dilemma for me either keep son away from him

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How old is your son?

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By *enny79TV/TS
over a year ago

chesterfield

Tell him you will let ur son decided when he's old enough then when that time comes exsplaine to ur son what he's like and let him decide hope it works out for u and ur son u obviously v devoted and want the best for him x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The two things that jump out at me are....

1) you said you wouldn't want your son alone in the house with him!

In my book that's reason enough to not let him have any contact with his grandson!

2) the Jewish heritage thing. Would this man actually be a good representation of the religion anyway? A vile Jewish man would make me think all Jewish people were vile (when I was a child)

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By *enard ArgenteMan
over a year ago

London and France

It's difficult to give advice to someone you don't know; and it depends on the age of your son;

I would keep him away from him, until he is old enough to have it explained to him, and then at a later time, when he is old enough, he can make his own decisions ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

V here. Offering a slightly different perspective. I would want to try.

Firstly the man didn't contact you directly. If I'm talking about contact with my daughter I'd be expecting to talk directly. If you feel like contact would be a good thing in terms of keeping some links to heritage then there are other ways of doing it, so it stays in your control. It means you have to put your anger aside temporarily and perhaps allow him into your home (or even somewhere neutral). If he fucks it up and breaks your rules well then he's history but it allows you to try without putting your child into a bad situation.

That way you do not need to leave your child in his care and you can be very clear on the rules of engagement.

xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If he's that much of a douche then surely job one would be making sure he never sees your son!

As a father I'm always trying to make sure my kids have the right influences, have a safe environment. Why would you put him in a situation that is neither?

Just because someone is a blood relation doesn't mean they're family"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's difficult without knowing the guy, but - if you are worried about your son being in the house alone - it's a no brainer for me.

The only way I would do it , is if it was somewhere neutral and I was there too. A big cafe or play area - I don't know how old your son is. So he can meet him but you are nearby. Could the ex's aunt be there too as she sounds neutral. If none of that Sounds feasible then let your son decide when he is old enough.

Could the aunt not explain about his Jewish heritage too or another family member? Or he can learn himself when older too?

Sarah

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By *uckandbunnyCouple
over a year ago

In your bed

Very hard to tell because you mention your ex. Does she have contact. Because if she does then she can make this decision and the call is just a gesture to inform you.

If she has no relationship then it's entirely within your gift.

If the ex grandad has lost trust then he needs to rebuild it in a way that meets your requirements.

As for the Jewish traditions, take him to temple, speak to a rabbi there will be other ways.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Tell him you will let ur son decided when he's old enough then when that time comes exsplaine to ur son what he's like and let him decide hope it works out for u and ur son u obviously v devoted and want the best for him x"
This and also set an example to your son by not using phrases like kicking the sh#t out of people as though that's some perfectly acceptable option. Good luck

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By *yldstyleWoman
over a year ago

A world of my own

My son's have nothing to do with my ex husbands family and it was the easiest choice I ever made. Some people are poison.

This man sounds pretty horrid. For me it wouldn't even come in to question.

It's difficult if your ex wants the contact but I'd stick to my guns

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By *aucy tiggerWoman
over a year ago

Back where I belong

Because of my feelings for my father my two sons, now aged 28 and 32, have only met their grandfather approx three times over the years. Once when they were toddlers and more recently at my eldest son's wedding and after my granddaughter was born.

Neither have suffered or missed out - and I have never explained why I have very little contact as I didn't want to influence them in anyway. I wanted them to make their own minds up. I have made it clear to them that if they wish to see him I have no objections, but not to include me. My father isn't violent or even unpleasant - just thoughtless and inconsiderate with no understanding of others feelings.

Good luck with what ever you decide xx

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By *irty Girty From No 30Woman
over a year ago

Burbage


"Yesterday I was contacted my my exes aunt, concerning my exes estranged father, he wants to have contact with my son, and the whole idea fills me with dread.

He'd a pretty poor example of a human being. And its not just my opinion, he has called me and my son n*gger, he has made threats to kill me, told people I owe him money, he is a fantasist and a lair, and I don't really want my some to be subjected to that and see him as any kind of role model.

But I'm worried that cutting my son off from that side if his family is going to bad for him in the long run, I don't want my son left alone in that house, because thus guy is a bully and a know it all, and swans around.d with his un-earned sense if entitlement, and measures love by how much money you spend on someone.

my gut reaction. is telling me to tell him to fuck off, but I've git to work out if that would be in my sons best interest, or not, and if I do allow him contact, can I stop myself from kicking 7 shades if shit out if him.

any ideas"

Hes a grand father and has no rights

If hes a vile person theres nothing to consider

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By *uckandbunnyCouple
over a year ago

In your bed

[Removed by poster at 06/02/16 09:00:14]

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Tell him you will let ur son decided when he's old enough then when that time comes exsplaine to ur son what he's like and let him decide hope it works out for u and ur son u obviously v devoted and want the best for him x This and also set an example to your son by not using phrases like kicking the sh#t out of people as though that's some perfectly acceptable option. Good luck "

Thus above everything has made my choice easier, I rairly feel that I want to kick the shit out of someone, I'm quite calm, but he has made threats to kill me, and now I have to be the bigger person and not react to his threats, just so my son never has to see me in that light, I'm walking away, and I'm taking my son, because I can't trust him to not try to get a reaction out if me, and if he persists with his threats I know ill snap at him, I've had 6 years if his crap, and I'm unwilling to deal with it any more, thanks all

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

He's your son. You do what you think is best. I know what I'd do. My son would come first ahead of other relatives considerations.

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo


"I just don't want him to be kept away from his Jewish heritage, but I don't know if that's enough to warrant him having contact with him, I just want what's TRULY best for him, and not clouded by my hate for his grandfather"

I was going to say that is how your post came across, it was your hate for the man ( which is understandable )...but what does your son think? Is his Grandad ok with him when he is with him? Does he keep his issues away from your Son and act like a Grandad would when a grandchild is visiting ?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I just don't want him to be kept away from his Jewish heritage, but I don't know if that's enough to warrant him having contact with him, I just want what's TRULY best for him, and not clouded by my hate for his grandfather

I was going to say that is how your post came across, it was your hate for the man ( which is understandable )...but what does your son think? Is his Grandad ok with him when he is with him? Does he keep his issues away from your Son and act like a Grandad would when a grandchild is visiting ? "

He's not bothered about his grandad, he talks about my dad mire and he never met him, (he died before he was born) he has an attitude where he thinks he can say what he likes to who he likes, and thinks I'm bringing him up the wrong way, and he don't care if he swears or smokes around him, I'm getting more and more against the idea of contact as I'm thinking about it

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

I'd say no for the time being ..n h

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo

I think it is a tough one but I can understand your reasonings.

It would depend for me on what relationship he had with his Grandad before, if it was a good one then I would say you have to keep your feelings out of the way and ask your son what he wants. If he wants to see his Grandad it could always be supervised by someone else and on your terms, if he says no to seeing him then problem solved

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By *oobsandballsMan
over a year ago

st andrews

I agree with many of the points above. Supervised visits to see how it goes is a good idea rather than letting them be alone.

However, if you're concerned about leaving your son alone with this man, then that is your priority. If you believe your child would not be safe, then don't let this man anywhere near him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As a father myself I see one of my responsibilities is to protect my children from such people.

If you took the family tie out of the equation would you allow him within a mile of your son?

The heritage side is something you can explore together.

Religion is always subject to personal interpretation - just look at the atrocities committed in the name of religion.

If you explore his Jewish heritage together you can influence his reactions and be more empowered to answer questions he is going to have

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