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Don't shout at me but...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Ok..from threads I've read I gather there is some disdain for the whole 'Fifty shades' phenomenon yes??

However, I loved the books and they made me think,for the first time, about being dominated completely.

I like the idea..But fear I have an unrealistic view of what it exactly entails as my only frame of reference is fifty shades!

Can anyone enlighten me or tell me why Christian grey isn't what I should look for?!!

CC

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By *awandOrderCouple
over a year ago

SW London

Very mundane boring and written like a mills and boon in poor and stereotypical literacy style. Its not risky in any sense of the word and perpetuates lots of stereotypes, in a word, yawn ....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I like 50 shades! I thought it was bad writing but to me it was a love story

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I like 50 shades! I thought it was bad writing but to me it was a love story "

This. I would say that it's not a bad thing if it's made you curious just explore with caution as I don't think the book is really reflective of the scene. Nobody will shout your just asking a question out of curiosity

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I like 50 shades! I thought it was bad writing but to me it was a love story "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I suppose you'll have to explore other more noted novels..fifty shades fair enough introduced many to the world of sub-dom relationships...but it was really just clever marketing and essentially plagiarism.

none of it interests me anyway, but I knew/know several long time established sub-dom's who'd all agree it has brought their scene down with so many wanna be doms.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 31/01/16 10:28:10]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I suppose you'll have to explore other more noted novels..fifty shades fair enough introduced many to the world of sub-dom relationships...but it was really just clever marketing and essentially plagiarism.

none of it interests me anyway, but I knew/know several long time established sub-dom's who'd all agree it has brought their scene down with so many wanna be doms."

I've never read the book or seen the film but that final sentence almost sounds like snobbery (and not aimed specifically at the poster who said it) - a bit like those fanboys who get upset when a niche rock band become popular "but I liked them before everyone else, it's not fair!"

Surely opening up the scene to a wider audience is a good thing, keeping it exclusively within a small niche scene is quite selfish isn't it?

Just my 2p worth ...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its not fashionable to like it on here. In fact it's usually frowned upon to declare an interest in any sex at all!

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By *r H and Good PetCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham


"I've never read the book or seen the film but that final sentence almost sounds like snobbery (and not aimed specifically at the poster who said it) - a bit like those fanboys who get upset when a niche rock band become popular "but I liked them before everyone else, it's not fair!"

Surely opening up the scene to a wider audience is a good thing, keeping it exclusively within a small niche scene is quite selfish isn't it?

Just my 2p worth ... "

But the difference is that - if fanboy culture gets flooded with people, there are no negative effects, really...more people are enjoying a genre.

But if people get into BDSM without true understanding (which is what is happening here), there is real potential of people actually getting hurt, and that's not cool.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ok..from threads I've read I gather there is some disdain for the whole 'Fifty shades' phenomenon yes??

However, I loved the books and they made me think,for the first time, about being dominated completely.

I like the idea..But fear I have an unrealistic view of what it exactly entails as my only frame of reference is fifty shades!

Can anyone enlighten me or tell me why Christian

grey isn't what I should look for

CC "

Oh I'm interested to see the responses as I've started chatting to a Dom... And I'm thinking mmmm perhaps ..

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

The reality of how it plays out in real life is for all partners to explore and decide upon. You may be influenced by some good or bad fiction, and also let your time together develop organically. As long as you pick partners where you've got similarly matched interests and have ground rules, boundaries and trust then I'd say go and explore.

Some may want formulaic encounters but I generally prefer people who are creative and responsive on the fly. This is similar to how we all vary with sex generally.

As others say there are more specialist resources out there. Let a novel be a motivational influence and not a guide book.

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By *odramafunCouple
over a year ago

Derbyshire/staffordshire

I think it is tame but surely a great thing for people who have now been enlightened to a lifestyle they may desire?

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"I suppose you'll have to explore other more noted novels..fifty shades fair enough introduced many to the world of sub-dom relationships...but it was really just clever marketing and essentially plagiarism.

none of it interests me anyway, but I knew/know several long time established sub-dom's who'd all agree it has brought their scene down with so many wanna be doms.

I've never read the book or seen the film but that final sentence almost sounds like snobbery (and not aimed specifically at the poster who said it) - a bit like those fanboys who get upset when a niche rock band become popular "but I liked them before everyone else, it's not fair!"

Surely opening up the scene to a wider audience is a good thing, keeping it exclusively within a small niche scene is quite selfish isn't it?

Just my 2p worth ... "

It's brought a lot of people with the wrong idea in, that's the problem.

A lot of guys want to use and control women like in the book without understanding that the acts in the book are assault and abuse, not BDSM.

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By *r H and Good PetCouple
over a year ago

Nottingham


"I think it is tame but surely a great thing for people who have now been enlightened to a lifestyle they may desire? "

Oh, I definitely agree with this!

But one thing can be good for enlightening people to a lifestyle they desire, and at the same time be problematic. They're not mutually exclusive. Hee hee.

x

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"I've never read the book or seen the film but that final sentence almost sounds like snobbery (and not aimed specifically at the poster who said it) - a bit like those fanboys who get upset when a niche rock band become popular "but I liked them before everyone else, it's not fair!"

Surely opening up the scene to a wider audience is a good thing, keeping it exclusively within a small niche scene is quite selfish isn't it?

Just my 2p worth ...

But the difference is that - if fanboy culture gets flooded with people, there are no negative effects, really...more people are enjoying a genre.

But if people get into BDSM without true understanding (which is what is happening here), there is real potential of people actually getting hurt, and that's not cool. "

^this

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"Its not fashionable to like it on here. In fact it's usually frowned upon to declare an interest in any sex at all!"

Sex?! Wash your mouth out! We're British you know*

*most of us

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I didn't really like the books, but you know what, if you liked them and it makes you feel more confident about tying new things then sod what anyone else thinks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I suppose you'll have to explore other more noted novels..fifty shades fair enough introduced many to the world of sub-dom relationships...but it was really just clever marketing and essentially plagiarism.

none of it interests me anyway, but I knew/know several long time established sub-dom's who'd all agree it has brought their scene down with so many wanna be doms.

I've never read the book or seen the film but that final sentence almost sounds like snobbery (and not aimed specifically at the poster who said it) - a bit like those fanboys who get upset when a niche rock band become popular "but I liked them before everyone else, it's not fair!"

Surely opening up the scene to a wider audience is a good thing, keeping it exclusively within a small niche scene is quite selfish isn't it?

Just my 2p worth ... "

I suppose it is snobbery in certain aspects...but I think the problem lies with the serious aspects of that manner oif life..as I'm led to believe these are relationships that need LOTS of trust.

Personally I dont really like the scene, particularly my view on some of the 'masters'...and in some cases the subs.

but then thats me heading into my psychiatric assessments...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've never read the book or seen the film but that final sentence almost sounds like snobbery (and not aimed specifically at the poster who said it) - a bit like those fanboys who get upset when a niche rock band become popular "but I liked them before everyone else, it's not fair!"

Surely opening up the scene to a wider audience is a good thing, keeping it exclusively within a small niche scene is quite selfish isn't it?

Just my 2p worth ...

But the difference is that - if fanboy culture gets flooded with people, there are no negative effects, really...more people are enjoying a genre.

But if people get into BDSM without true understanding (which is what is happening here), there is real potential of people actually getting hurt, and that's not cool. "

Exactly this. I know of a couple of people who have been hurt by guys thinking they can dom but actually just ended up sexually abusing them

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

There's always going to be the bdsm people that are against it.

But you know what, its got a lot of housewives talking to their husbands about things they wouldn't have talked about before, lots of fluffy handcuffs having been bought and plenty of people having a bit of fun.

Lots of people want titillation without wanting to get into the full on bdsm scene.

It got 70 year old conservative women reading it and a lot of husbands with smiles on their faces.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The whole bdsm thing,not really my cup of tea.I'm partial to a bit of light spanking(giving and receiving),some light biting n scratching but nothing really extreme.

I went to a 'party' a couple of years ago where there was one lass who was into being shouted at,slapped and spat on!

It was after I nearly strangled her with a choke chain when she goadingly shouted...."FFS YE CAN DAE IT HARDER THAN THAT!!!"that I thought this isn't for me!

Well I'm not into hurting anyone so I got a wee fright when I saw her whole head turned purple in half a second....eyes bulging out the sockets!....left some nasty looking welts around her neck where the chain dug in as well!

So it was after that 'experience' that I thought the more extreme side of bdsm wasn't for me n I'd be better sticking with the standard spanking,biting n scratching which is very vanilla compared to what I witnessed that night!

N I ain't n have never been a 'Mr Grey' wannabe before anyone starts!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm not sure it's just 50 Shades that's treated with disdain, I see a lot of things and questions scorned by "serious" BDSM-ers on here. Anyone who asks for advice (mainly if they're a man) gets shot down as someone playing at being a Dom, a plastic Dom, a Christian Grey wannabe, as though all "proper" Doms sprang forth from the womb fully formed and knowing all the answers immediately.

But plenty of people do play at it, maybe as part of role play, for fun, without being into the whole lifestyle. That can be sneered at by a lot of people, but if means people experimenting and enjoying their sex lives I think it's a positive thing. I don't see anything wrong in that so long as people always consider their own safety first when meeting - which I hope they'd do with any meet anyway.

Someone who is going to allow themselves to be in a position to be abused by someone they've met for sex from the internet would most probably be someone who may have been vulnerable to that long before the 50 Shades phenomenon. And someone who is going to physically or mentally hurt someone hasn't suddenly had that switch flicked by 50 Shades either.

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By *annooWoman
over a year ago

Hastings


"I like 50 shades! I thought it was bad writing but to me it was a love story "

I thought it was a love story too with a slight kink that normal love stories won't tell

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thanks for your responses.

I'm submissive in and out of the bedroom and I guess I like the idea of being controlled a bit more. I don't want to be hurt but I'm curious about pain being pleasurable! And I do like a hand around the throat but more of a kink than a desire to be asphyxiated I think!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks for your responses.

I'm submissive in and out of the bedroom and I guess I like the idea of being controlled a bit more. I don't want to be hurt but I'm curious about pain being pleasurable! And I do like a hand around the throat but more of a kink than a desire to be asphyxiated I think! "

I love to have my hand firmly yet gently placed around a lasses throat/neck while kissing n gently biting as I fuck her with us both lying on our sides n her facing away from me.

The hand around the throat requires a fair bit of trust!......It's a big turn on for me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've never read the book or seen the film but that final sentence almost sounds like snobbery (and not aimed specifically at the poster who said it) - a bit like those fanboys who get upset when a niche rock band become popular "but I liked them before everyone else, it's not fair!"

Surely opening up the scene to a wider audience is a good thing, keeping it exclusively within a small niche scene is quite selfish isn't it?

Just my 2p worth ...

But the difference is that - if fanboy culture gets flooded with people, there are no negative effects, really...more people are enjoying a genre.

But if people get into BDSM without true understanding (which is what is happening here), there is real potential of people actually getting hurt, and that's not cool. "

100% accept that, but who's to say all those practising being a Dom BEFORE 50 Shades were doing it right?

Surely the percentages won't necessarily be any different, just the volume. Similarly I expect there's been an equivalent increase in the number of women willing to be 'sub' - isn't it just a numbers game?

(*caveat: I know NOTHING of the scene as you can tell! )

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By *xpanding our horizonsCouple
over a year ago

East Anglia


"Thanks for your responses.

I'm submissive in and out of the bedroom and I guess I like the idea of being controlled a bit more. I don't want to be hurt but I'm curious about pain being pleasurable! And I do like a hand around the throat but more of a kink than a desire to be asphyxiated I think!

I love to have my hand firmly yet gently placed around a lasses throat/neck while kissing n gently biting as I fuck her with us both lying on our sides n her facing away from me.

The hand around the throat requires a fair bit of trust!......It's a big turn on for me "

YUM!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks for your responses.

I'm submissive in and out of the bedroom and I guess I like the idea of being controlled a bit more. I don't want to be hurt but I'm curious about pain being pleasurable! And I do like a hand around the throat but more of a kink than a desire to be asphyxiated I think!

I love to have my hand firmly yet gently placed around a lasses throat/neck while kissing n gently biting as I fuck her with us both lying on our sides n her facing away from me.

The hand around the throat requires a fair bit of trust!......It's a big turn on for me

YUM!!!! "

Yum!!! Indeed! Gotta love the taste of a nice clean makeup n perfume free neck... with a slight salty taste (My meets are very physical!)as we're usually all hot n sweaty after a few min!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Thanks for your responses.

I'm submissive in and out of the bedroom and I guess I like the idea of being controlled a bit more. I don't want to be hurt but I'm curious about pain being pleasurable! And I do like a hand around the throat but more of a kink than a desire to be asphyxiated I think!

I love to have my hand firmly yet gently placed around a lasses throat/neck while kissing n gently biting as I fuck her with us both lying on our sides n her facing away from me.

The hand around the throat requires a fair bit of trust!......It's a big turn on for me

YUM!!!!

Yum!!! Indeed! Gotta love the taste of a nice clean makeup n perfume free neck... with a slight salty taste (My meets are very physical!)as we're usually all hot n sweaty after a few min! "

How dare u live sofar away

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"I suppose you'll have to explore other more noted novels..fifty shades fair enough introduced many to the world of sub-dom relationships...but it was really just clever marketing and essentially plagiarism.

none of it interests me anyway, but I knew/know several long time established sub-dom's who'd all agree it has brought their scene down with so many wanna be doms.

I've never read the book or seen the film but that final sentence almost sounds like snobbery (and not aimed specifically at the poster who said it) - a bit like those fanboys who get upset when a niche rock band become popular "but I liked them before everyone else, it's not fair!"

Surely opening up the scene to a wider audience is a good thing, keeping it exclusively within a small niche scene is quite selfish isn't it?

Just my 2p worth ...

It's brought a lot of people with the wrong idea in, that's the problem.

A lot of guys want to use and control women like in the book without understanding that the acts in the book are assault and abuse, not BDSM."
but is it because of the book? Or do they just want to do it. If so some wants to use and control someone it must be in them you don't just switch something like that on because you've read a book.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wow, I'm not into BDSM, not read the book, and definitely not a Dom, but what an interesting thread!

I've learnt a lot reading it!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good or bad it got people talking and opened up that scene . Right or wrong it's good to talk about and let's face it any type of discussion is good X

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By *xpanding our horizonsCouple
over a year ago

East Anglia

Is there a handbook on how to do it properly, or do you have to find someone in the scene and be taught?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Is there a handbook on how to do it properly, or do you have to find someone in the scene and be taught?"

If you're interested in the lifestyle, it might be worth reading the whole thread. Look for the comment about a certain site x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'm not sure it's just 50 Shades that's treated with disdain, I see a lot of things and questions scorned by "serious" BDSM-ers on here. Anyone who asks for advice (mainly if they're a man) gets shot down as someone playing at being a Dom, a plastic Dom, a Christian Grey wannabe, as though all "proper" Doms sprang forth from the womb fully formed and knowing all the answers immediately.

But plenty of people do play at it, maybe as part of role play, for fun, without being into the whole lifestyle. That can be sneered at by a lot of people, but if means people experimenting and enjoying their sex lives I think it's a positive thing. I don't see anything wrong in that so long as people always consider their own safety first when meeting - which I hope they'd do with any meet anyway.

Someone who is going to allow themselves to be in a position to be abused by someone they've met for sex from the internet would most probably be someone who may have been vulnerable to that long before the 50 Shades phenomenon. And someone who is going to physically or mentally hurt someone hasn't suddenly had that switch flicked by 50 Shades either. "

Nail, head, BANG

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe


"Ok..from threads I've read I gather there is some disdain for the whole 'Fifty shades' phenomenon yes??

However, I loved the books and they made me think,for the first time, about being dominated completely.

I like the idea..But fear I have an unrealistic view of what it exactly entails as my only frame of reference is fifty shades!

Can anyone enlighten me or tell me why Christian grey isn't what I should look for?!!

CC "

Personally I hated the book (I could only just bring myself to finish the first one) but that's my literary preference.

On a positive note, I expect it has opened a whole new world and enlivened many peoples sex lives. Very few will want to live the BDSM lifestyle simply to try new things.

We're not into the lifestyle so I can only advise based on my own experience.

I would say the first step is to have a relationship whereby you trust him implicitly. Then take things slowing finding out what you enjoy and what you don't, pushing your boundaries as your relationship developes further.

I do things with Cal that I wouldn't be comfortable doing with anyone else.

Nita

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I like to dom....I use a whip and horse crop,but I don't consider mmyself a Christian grey,....never read it or seen it.there's different forms of domination. Im into choking,spanking,whipping but wouldn't consider using ropes.

I guess if u come across your dom you need to discuss your needs and wants.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She said no to all the good stuff

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Thanks for your responses.

I'm submissive in and out of the bedroom and I guess I like the idea of being controlled a bit more. I don't want to be hurt but I'm curious about pain being pleasurable! And I do like a hand around the throat but more of a kink than a desire to be asphyxiated I think!

I love to have my hand firmly yet gently placed around a lasses throat/neck while kissing n gently biting as I fuck her with us both lying on our sides n her facing away from me.

The hand around the throat requires a fair bit of trust!......It's a big turn on for me

YUM!!!!

Yum!!! Indeed! Gotta love the taste of a nice clean makeup n perfume free neck... with a slight salty taste (My meets are very physical!)as we're usually all hot n sweaty after a few min!

How dare u live sofar away "

Sorry,my bad lol

My sofas very comfy too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you are thinking of doing something like this, do your research, speak to other subs or doms (if that's your interest), gain knowledge that it's for you first and for most.

before I became a 'swinger' I was introduced to that world, not because I went looking for it, I got chatting to a guy on a dating app and slowly he introduced the idea to me, looking back he clearly had no idea about the scene but I was swept up in the whole 50 shades stuff, he made me join a site which I won't name but for me it was very hardcore and subsequently the guy was all talk, it was very much an 'online' thing, he would attempt to make me do things and address him in a certain way but yet he would never commit to meeting me (we met once for about 45 mins, that's all I needed to get 'hooked') the final straw came when he wanted me to join him in a 'family' whereby we would be the pets. The most ironic thing that came out of it, I stopped talking to him when I had been chatting to the two doms (male and female couple) and we soon pieced together information and realised he was a flake and I subquently entered into a 'light' d/s relationship with the man, nothing heavy but that soon ended up with us realising there was more to our relationship than a d/s one but I took a step back as it wasn't for me and he loved his girlfriend.

I also had a bad experience in the process of being 'with' the first guy and we had short period of us not speaking, I wanted to find an actual Dom that would actually do what the other guy was 'feeding me' information on, so I met with this man, much older than myself, on that first meeting he beat me with his belt, slapped me round the face and made me bleed internally. A good Dom wouldn't have done this, you would develop some kind of 'relationship' first and aftercare is so important, all he did was leave me in a mess and I lost confidence for a while until the other guy came creeping back, promising me loads of things.

Thankfully I found fab and found what I was actually looking for, straight forward sex, no controlling behaviour etc.

It's not for everyone but certainly look into it but it isn't like it is in the film or the books.

Sorry to ramble on

G x

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Thanks for your responses.

I'm submissive in and out of the bedroom and I guess I like the idea of being controlled a bit more. I don't want to be hurt but I'm curious about pain being pleasurable! And I do like a hand around the throat but more of a kink than a desire to be asphyxiated I think!

I love to have my hand firmly yet gently placed around a lasses throat/neck while kissing n gently biting as I fuck her with us both lying on our sides n her facing away from me.

The hand around the throat requires a fair bit of trust!......It's a big turn on for me

YUM!!!!

Yum!!! Indeed! Gotta love the taste of a nice clean makeup n perfume free neck... with a slight salty taste (My meets are very physical!)as we're usually all hot n sweaty after a few min!

How dare u live sofar away

Sorry,my bad lol

My sofas very comfy too "

Haha oops missed a space there didnt I! !

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"If you are thinking of doing something like this, do your research, speak to other subs or doms (if that's your interest), gain knowledge that it's for you first and for most.

before I became a 'swinger' I was introduced to that world, not because I went looking for it, I got chatting to a guy on a dating app and slowly he introduced the idea to me, looking back he clearly had no idea about the scene but I was swept up in the whole 50 shades stuff, he made me join a site which I won't name but for me it was very hardcore and subsequently the guy was all talk, it was very much an 'online' thing, he would attempt to make me do things and address him in a certain way but yet he would never commit to meeting me (we met once for about 45 mins, that's all I needed to get 'hooked') the final straw came when he wanted me to join him in a 'family' whereby we would be the pets. The most ironic thing that came out of it, I stopped talking to him when I had been chatting to the two doms (male and female couple) and we soon pieced together information and realised he was a flake and I subquently entered into a 'light' d/s relationship with the man, nothing heavy but that soon ended up with us realising there was more to our relationship than a d/s one but I took a step back as it wasn't for me and he loved his girlfriend.

I also had a bad experience in the process of being 'with' the first guy and we had short period of us not speaking, I wanted to find an actual Dom that would actually do what the other guy was 'feeding me' information on, so I met with this man, much older than myself, on that first meeting he beat me with his belt, slapped me round the face and made me bleed internally. A good Dom wouldn't have done this, you would develop some kind of 'relationship' first and aftercare is so important, all he did was leave me in a mess and I lost confidence for a while until the other guy came creeping back, promising me loads of things.

Thankfully I found fab and found what I was actually looking for, straight forward sex, no controlling behaviour etc.

It's not for everyone but certainly look into it but it isn't like it is in the film or the books.

Sorry to ramble on

G x"

Sorry to hear you had such an awful experience...that's enough to frighten me off!

I think you are definitely right about gaining the trust of someone before exploring these things...fab has brought out a whole other side of me as I'm sure it has for others! !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My oh got into swinging partly because of 50 shades. She likes a spanking and other bits to do with bdsm. However it's not my thing which makes me pretty shit at it. I worry that I'll hurt her by accident.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ok..from threads I've read I gather there is some disdain for the whole 'Fifty shades' phenomenon yes??

However, I loved the books and they made me think,for the first time, about being dominated completely.

I like the idea..But fear I have an unrealistic view of what it exactly entails as my only frame of reference is fifty shades!

Can anyone enlighten me or tell me why Christian grey isn't what I should look for?!!

CC "

In my experience "doms" fall into 3 categories

1. Guys that think they are dominant and they are actually just a male

2. The man/woman that are into the bdsm side. Ties blindfolds (what is pictured in 50 shades). Not my thing I often giggle at the whole thing when I see it in clubs. And the subs must have the patience of a saint as some things take forever to set up (id have got bored and wandered off)

3. My favourite. The man/woman who get into your head. You can sometimes find yourself doing things and wondering how he got you to do that. When he's sat 50 miles away. The se. Is then based on the memory and mind control.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ok..from threads I've read I gather there is some disdain for the whole 'Fifty shades' phenomenon yes??

However, I loved the books and they made me think,for the first time, about being dominated completely.

I like the idea..But fear I have an unrealistic view of what it exactly entails as my only frame of reference is fifty shades!

Can anyone enlighten me or tell me why Christian grey isn't what I should look for?!!

CC "

I like the books too, and I've been into BDSM for about 15 years.

However the books are problematic because Grey doesn't really take the idea of consent seriously. In one part of the story arguably he rapes someone who doesn't want to have sex with him. In other parts he knowingly pushes past boundaries.

If you're negotiated consensual non-consent then that's different, but I wouldn't expect beginners to dabble with that kind of edgeplay.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ok..from threads I've read I gather there is some disdain for the whole 'Fifty shades' phenomenon yes??

However, I loved the books and they made me think,for the first time, about being dominated completely.

I like the idea..But fear I have an unrealistic view of what it exactly entails as my only frame of reference is fifty shades!

Can anyone enlighten me or tell me why Christian grey isn't what I should look for?!!

CC

In my experience "doms" fall into 3 categories

1. Guys that think they are dominant and they are actually just a male

2. The man/woman that are into the bdsm side. Ties blindfolds (what is pictured in 50 shades). Not my thing I often giggle at the whole thing when I see it in clubs. And the subs must have the patience of a saint as some things take forever to set up (id have got bored and wandered off)

3. My favourite. The man/woman who get into your head. You can sometimes find yourself doing things and wondering how he got you to do that. When he's sat 50 miles away. The se. Is then based on the memory and mind control. "
nimber 3 is by far my favourite it's a huge turn on and very exciting. The sound of your phone going of and reading then once u have replied oh the tension mmmmmmm

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"none of it interests me anyway, but I knew/know several long time established sub-dom's who'd all agree it has brought their scene down with so many wanna be doms."

I know lots of people in my area who have complained of exactly that thing, but I am an active clubber (and have been for over a decade) and have not seen this happening.

After the books were released we saw a few 'tourists' at events - good luck to them. But the scene is as healthy as it has ever been.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Is there a handbook on how to do it properly, or do you have to find someone in the scene and be taught?"

There's not really any such thing as 'doing it properly'. There's 'common sense' on not doing things that people don't want you to do, and some things might have safety aspects to them. But basically BDSM is about doing what feels good, doing what you enjoy, and exploring your sexuality.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"none of it interests me anyway, but I knew/know several long time established sub-dom's who'd all agree it has brought their scene down with so many wanna be doms.

I know lots of people in my area who have complained of exactly that thing, but I am an active clubber (and have been for over a decade) and have not seen this happening.

After the books were released we saw a few 'tourists' at events - good luck to them. But the scene is as healthy as it has ever been."

I think it's more prevalent on the Internet, on sites like this. Just look at how many profiles are a variation on Christian Grey or Mr Grey.

People can pretend to be whatever they want on here. They're easy to spot by anyone with any experience but they can be dangerous for anyone who doesn't know much about BDSM.

At actual events it's not so easy to pretend, and cluelessness and inexperience show.

Anyone acting in an unsafe way will usually be stopped at reputable venues, (and even many less reputable ones), and anyone talking about wanting to behave that way will probably be told that's really not what it's about. Likewise, anyone who goes along with the intention of learning and gaining experience, will soon find out 50 Shades isn't a good representation of BDSM and why.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I think it's more prevalent on the Internet, on sites like this. Just look at how many profiles are a variation on Christian Grey or Mr Grey.

"

About as many that used to make references to 'the story of O'...

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"My oh got into swinging partly because of 50 shades. She likes a spanking and other bits to do with bdsm. However it's not my thing which makes me pretty shit at it. I worry that I'll hurt her by accident. "

If it's something you honestly want to do for her, even though it does nothing for you, carry on and take it steady. The key is communication and getting to know the other person.

You are right to be cautious about harming her, because when hyped up on endorphins, some subs aren't aware of their own limits. It's up to the Dom to ensure they don't go too far.

Take it gradually and communicate, communicate, communicate, both before, during and after the session.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"

I think it's more prevalent on the Internet, on sites like this. Just look at how many profiles are a variation on Christian Grey or Mr Grey.

About as many that used to make references to 'the story of O'..."

Indeed.

I don't things that capture the imagination are bad but they do put some at risk of harm from inexperience or nefarious intent.

That said, there have always been idiots and abusers in the Scene. There may be a few more now, perhaps, but they're not anything new by a long shot.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That's not .......! I enjoy ..... and only people who enjoy ..... my way are true representations of the ...... scene!

Please fee free to copy, paste and fill in the blanks as appropriate

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I think it's more prevalent on the Internet, on sites like this. Just look at how many profiles are a variation on Christian Grey or Mr Grey.

About as many that used to make references to 'the story of O'...

Indeed.

I don't things that capture the imagination are bad but they do put some at risk of harm from inexperience or nefarious intent.

That said, there have always been idiots and abusers in the Scene. There may be a few more now, perhaps, but they're not anything new by a long shot."

There are idiots and abusers in all lifestyles, hobbies, and walks of life. The kink scene is not special in that regard.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"

I think it's more prevalent on the Internet, on sites like this. Just look at how many profiles are a variation on Christian Grey or Mr Grey.

About as many that used to make references to 'the story of O'...

Indeed.

I don't things that capture the imagination are bad but they do put some at risk of harm from inexperience or nefarious intent.

That said, there have always been idiots and abusers in the Scene. There may be a few more now, perhaps, but they're not anything new by a long shot."

I don't think things that*...

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"

I think it's more prevalent on the Internet, on sites like this. Just look at how many profiles are a variation on Christian Grey or Mr Grey.

About as many that used to make references to 'the story of O'...

Indeed.

I don't things that capture the imagination are bad but they do put some at risk of harm from inexperience or nefarious intent.

That said, there have always been idiots and abusers in the Scene. There may be a few more now, perhaps, but they're not anything new by a long shot.

There are idiots and abusers in all lifestyles, hobbies, and walks of life. The kink scene is not special in that regard."

Absolutely. You'll never hear me claim differently.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My oh got into swinging partly because of 50 shades. She likes a spanking and other bits to do with bdsm. However it's not my thing which makes me pretty shit at it. I worry that I'll hurt her by accident.

If it's something you honestly want to do for her, even though it does nothing for you, carry on and take it steady. The key is communication and getting to know the other person.

You are right to be cautious about harming her, because when hyped up on endorphins, some subs aren't aware of their own limits. It's up to the Dom to ensure they don't go too far.

Take it gradually and communicate, communicate, communicate, both before, during and after the session. "

After I think is extremely important especially if you've tried something new or pushed a previous limit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I put the book down when they referred to a fanny as a sex. He touched my sex!? Wtf. Actually I read a bit more cos I was reading it on a train someone had left it on the seat that's how shit it was, too many inconsistencies for my liking. The bird had never had had before or done anything sexual yet the first time she does she can deep throat like a pro and is some sexual demon. No sir I didn't like it.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"My oh got into swinging partly because of 50 shades. She likes a spanking and other bits to do with bdsm. However it's not my thing which makes me pretty shit at it. I worry that I'll hurt her by accident.

If it's something you honestly want to do for her, even though it does nothing for you, carry on and take it steady. The key is communication and getting to know the other person.

You are right to be cautious about harming her, because when hyped up on endorphins, some subs aren't aware of their own limits. It's up to the Dom to ensure they don't go too far.

Take it gradually and communicate, communicate, communicate, both before, during and after the session.

After I think is extremely important especially if you've tried something new or pushed a previous limit "

Yup. Once they've come down.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I haven't read it but from what I've heard it's 'crack' literature. You know it's bad but you can't put it down down. Similar to Dan browns da vinci code. Theres always a place for these types of books, usually when you're too preoccupied to put all your attention into a good and challenging book. Each to their own tho.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I haven't read it but from what I've heard it's 'crack' literature. You know it's bad but you can't put it down down. Similar to Dan browns da vinci code. Theres always a place for these types of books, usually when you're too preoccupied to put all your attention into a good and challenging book. Each to their own tho. "

I enjoy pulp novels and rarely read 'challenging' books. I read for both my career and my studies, and I don't want me fun time to be also full of challenging reading.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If you are thinking of doing something like this, do your research, speak to other subs or doms (if that's your interest), gain knowledge that it's for you first and for most.

before I became a 'swinger' I was introduced to that world, not because I went looking for it, I got chatting to a guy on a dating app and slowly he introduced the idea to me, looking back he clearly had no idea about the scene but I was swept up in the whole 50 shades stuff, he made me join a site which I won't name but for me it was very hardcore and subsequently the guy was all talk, it was very much an 'online' thing, he would attempt to make me do things and address him in a certain way but yet he would never commit to meeting me (we met once for about 45 mins, that's all I needed to get 'hooked') the final straw came when he wanted me to join him in a 'family' whereby we would be the pets. The most ironic thing that came out of it, I stopped talking to him when I had been chatting to the two doms (male and female couple) and we soon pieced together information and realised he was a flake and I subquently entered into a 'light' d/s relationship with the man, nothing heavy but that soon ended up with us realising there was more to our relationship than a d/s one but I took a step back as it wasn't for me and he loved his girlfriend.

I also had a bad experience in the process of being 'with' the first guy and we had short period of us not speaking, I wanted to find an actual Dom that would actually do what the other guy was 'feeding me' information on, so I met with this man, much older than myself, on that first meeting he beat me with his belt, slapped me round the face and made me bleed internally. A good Dom wouldn't have done this, you would develop some kind of 'relationship' first and aftercare is so important, all he did was leave me in a mess and I lost confidence for a while until the other guy came creeping back, promising me loads of things.

Thankfully I found fab and found what I was actually looking for, straight forward sex, no controlling behaviour etc.

It's not for everyone but certainly look into it but it isn't like it is in the film or the books.

Sorry to ramble on

G x"

Its not rambling I think its a very pertinent point. Those who get sexually assaulted weren't to blame nor did they make themselves available for the attacks. Victim shaming in any sexual practise is a horrible thing.

The simple thing I that 50 shades has opened up the whole BDSM thing to more people, some good things some bad. Anybody thinking they can just fuck someone roughly and abuse them under a new name was probably dangerous anyway but there are more of them now and more people where calling yourself an 'experienced dom' will get you in the door

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

I'd like someone to explain the definition of bdsm to me?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'd like someone to explain the definition of bdsm to me?"

Well it's a simple Google, but it's commonly understood to be an acronym for

Bondage-Discipline

Dominance-Submission

Sadism-Mashochism

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"I'd like someone to explain the definition of bdsm to me?

Well it's a simple Google, but it's commonly understood to be an acronym for

Bondage-Discipline

Dominance-Submission

Sadism-Mashochism"
I know what it means, but I ment to what degree, if someone just likes to be tied up does that mean they are into bdsm or spanking?

If someone is into being spanked with in an inch of their life?

When you see someone say they are into bdsm it can be extremes and from what I can see unless your on a fetish site there is no way of telling the difference.

Are a couple that like thing up and spanking revered to as being in the bdsm lifestyle?

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By *accaandpearce99Couple
over a year ago

northampton


"I didn't really like the books, but you know what, if you liked them and it makes you feel more confident about tying new things then sod what anyone else thinks "

As above. And we'll said. Do what you like

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I didn't really like the books, but you know what, if you liked them and it makes you feel more confident about tying new things then sod what anyone else thinks

As above. And we'll said. Do what you like "

I agree, the knock on effect is on the whole good, the books however were awful awful dross

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I enjoyed the books as a yarn to read while sunbathing on holiday. I don't see them as educational at all and Grey's 'flaws' made him more accessible. I liked being able to talk to others who had read them as it opened up previously uncharted topics of conversation with them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'd like someone to explain the definition of bdsm to me?

Well it's a simple Google, but it's commonly understood to be an acronym for

Bondage-Discipline

Dominance-Submission

Sadism-MashochismI know what it means, but I ment to what degree, if someone just likes to be tied up does that mean they are into bdsm or spanking?

If someone is into being spanked with in an inch of their life?

When you see someone say they are into bdsm it can be extremes and from what I can see unless your on a fetish site there is no way of telling the difference.

Are a couple that like thing up and spanking revered to as being in the bdsm lifestyle?"

I think the answer is 'yes, no, maybe'.

Your question is basically like someone saying 'if a husband and wife just swing once a year with someone they know, does that mean they're into swinging? What about if someone likes doing a gangbang five times a week, are they also into swinging?'

When you see someone say they are into swinging, it can be extremes. And from what I can see, unless you're on a swinging site there is no way of telling the difference.

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By *educedWoman
over a year ago

Birmingham

They started life as Adult Fan Fiction and are based on Twilight. You're reading a story about Edward and Bella.

I remember reading them years ago when I dabbled in Fan Fiction before she found a publisher.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I enjoyed watching the film too, but wish I hadn't read the book in some ways as the casting of Grey wasn't close enough to how I imagined him to work as well as a compliment. Again a light bit of Saturday evening entertainment on DVD rather than anything else.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"There's always going to be the bdsm people that are against it.

But you know what, its got a lot of housewives talking to their husbands about things they wouldn't have talked about before, lots of fluffy handcuffs having been bought and plenty of people having a bit of fun.

Lots of people want titillation without wanting to get into the full on bdsm scene.

It got 70 year old conservative women reading it and a lot of husbands with smiles on their faces.

"

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"I'd like someone to explain the definition of bdsm to me?

Well it's a simple Google, but it's commonly understood to be an acronym for

Bondage-Discipline

Dominance-Submission

Sadism-MashochismI know what it means, but I ment to what degree, if someone just likes to be tied up does that mean they are into bdsm or spanking?

If someone is into being spanked with in an inch of their life?

When you see someone say they are into bdsm it can be extremes and from what I can see unless your on a fetish site there is no way of telling the difference.

Are a couple that like thing up and spanking revered to as being in the bdsm lifestyle?

I think the answer is 'yes, no, maybe'.

Your question is basically like someone saying 'if a husband and wife just swing once a year with someone they know, does that mean they're into swinging? What about if someone likes doing a gangbang five times a week, are they also into swinging?'

When you see someone say they are into swinging, it can be extremes. And from what I can see, unless you're on a swinging site there is no way of telling the difference."
right, so you need to go on a fetish/bdsm site. It's just when people are on here and say they are into bdsm it seems it can go from one extreme to another. Some things you don't need all the trust and to find someone that knows what they are doing its just about two compatable people having fun . other things I see it would have to be complete trust and something built up over a period of time.

I've never been on a bdsm site but do they have a list of catogaries of things to tick that you are into? Is it more for people that are into!the extreme side of things or are there generally people that are just naturally submissive or dominant that just like to take the lead sexually

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Never read them hold no interest to me just find it is some middle aged womans perception and fantasy and inulgence fair play tho she's made a fortune...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"right, so you need to go on a fetish/bdsm site. It's just when people are on here and say they are into bdsm it seems it can go from one extreme to another. Some things you don't need all the trust and to find someone that knows what they are doing its just about two compatable people having fun . other things I see it would have to be complete trust and something built up over a period of time.

I've never been on a bdsm site but do they have a list of catogaries of things to tick that you are into? Is it more for people that are into!the extreme side of things or are there generally people that are just naturally submissive or dominant that just like to take the lead sexually"

It's like swinging, there are a million different varieties.

There don't tend to be checklists, no. Usually you can add interests to your profile, and write descriptions about yourself. Then find people in groups and on forums that have similar interests to yourself.

I've met people who are on BDSM sites who just like rope bondage. I've met others who like permanent disfigurement.

I've met some people who profess to be 'natural' dominant and submissives (whatever that means' and others who just play together with no dominance or submission at all.

It really is like swinging - there are all different people into all different things.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"They started life as Adult Fan Fiction and are based on Twilight. You're reading a story about Edward and Bella.

I remember reading them years ago when I dabbled in Fan Fiction before she found a publisher.

"

You had the power to kill it then! You're like the person who missed the chance to kill hitler

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"right, so you need to go on a fetish/bdsm site. It's just when people are on here and say they are into bdsm it seems it can go from one extreme to another. Some things you don't need all the trust and to find someone that knows what they are doing its just about two compatable people having fun . other things I see it would have to be complete trust and something built up over a period of time.

I've never been on a bdsm site but do they have a list of catogaries of things to tick that you are into? Is it more for people that are into!the extreme side of things or are there generally people that are just naturally submissive or dominant that just like to take the lead sexually

It's like swinging, there are a million different varieties.

There don't tend to be checklists, no. Usually you can add interests to your profile, and write descriptions about yourself. Then find people in groups and on forums that have similar interests to yourself.

I've met people who are on BDSM sites who just like rope bondage. I've met others who like permanent disfigurement.

I've met some people who profess to be 'natural' dominant and submissives (whatever that means' and others who just play together with no dominance or submission at all.

It really is like swinging - there are all different people into all different things."
right, I didn't know if you had to be into a certain type of play to go on these sites, I just see some people poo poo people and go on about having to know what your doing and taking it all so seriously.

Some people (not you) give the impression on here that it's some superior lifestyle. I think that could put a lot of people off joining the sites

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"right, I didn't know if you had to be into a certain type of play to go on these sites, I just see some people poo poo people and go on about having to know what your doing and taking it all so seriously.

Some people (not you) give the impression on here that it's some superior lifestyle. I think that could put a lot of people off joining the sites"

I think that happens in all specialist hobbies.

Like swinging. I was a swinger for a long time before I joined these sites (actually I primarily used to use fetish websites to find people for swinging) because I found the attitude of some swingers to be snobby and elitist. I didn't think that I was a swinger because of what they said.

It's really no different.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"right, I didn't know if you had to be into a certain type of play to go on these sites, I just see some people poo poo people and go on about having to know what your doing and taking it all so seriously.

Some people (not you) give the impression on here that it's some superior lifestyle. I think that could put a lot of people off joining the sites

I think that happens in all specialist hobbies.

Like swinging. I was a swinger for a long time before I joined these sites (actually I primarily used to use fetish websites to find people for swinging) because I found the attitude of some swingers to be snobby and elitist. I didn't think that I was a swinger because of what they said.

It's really no different."
thankyou

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"right, so you need to go on a fetish/bdsm site. It's just when people are on here and say they are into bdsm it seems it can go from one extreme to another. Some things you don't need all the trust and to find someone that knows what they are doing its just about two compatable people having fun . other things I see it would have to be complete trust and something built up over a period of time.

I've never been on a bdsm site but do they have a list of catogaries of things to tick that you are into? Is it more for people that are into!the extreme side of things or are there generally people that are just naturally submissive or dominant that just like to take the lead sexually

It's like swinging, there are a million different varieties.

There don't tend to be checklists, no. Usually you can add interests to your profile, and write descriptions about yourself. Then find people in groups and on forums that have similar interests to yourself.

I've met people who are on BDSM sites who just like rope bondage. I've met others who like permanent disfigurement.

I've met some people who profess to be 'natural' dominant and submissives (whatever that means' and others who just play together with no dominance or submission at all.

It really is like swinging - there are all different people into all different things.right, I didn't know if you had to be into a certain type of play to go on these sites, I just see some people poo poo people and go on about having to know what your doing and taking it all so seriously.

Some people (not you) give the impression on here that it's some superior lifestyle. I think that could put a lot of people off joining the sites"

From what I understand its just another form of play, the harder forms though can require trust and aftercare as they can be quite emotional. There shouldn't be any elitism though, its sexual play, if you enjoy it do it, the only requirement for membership is the desire to join!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I like the thought of someone knowing what they're doing in terms of limit pushing and control

However,I don't really think the pain side is for me!

There are tonnes of other booms similar to 50,shades which I've also enjoyed..Some more graphic and more hardcore

I read so many books of all different genres and feel more knowledgeable for doing so..don't think enjoying the 50 shades makes me less intelligent!

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