FabSwingers.com forum: Staying for the kids...

By *irtyGirl OP Woman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

I know this is likely to be a total divide on opinion and I've really enjoyed the discussion today about keeping a secret from a parent for a parent. A couple of comments there have made me wonder what the general _iews are on those who stay with a partner with whom they aren't in love... why would you stay? Don't you both deserve to be happy with other people?

It's tricky for me because I don't have children but I have friends who are staying married because of the kids. They don't love their husband/wife yet they think 'that children from broken homes are fucked up' by a split family.

My _iew is that you don't have to live with the mother/father of your kids to be a good parent. For the children to witness two people who aren't in love but simply stay together because they *think* that's the right thing to do, to me, is utterly bonkers. I feel that it can also be damaging for kids not to witness love between their parents.

If I found out that my parents had stayed together because of us, I'd be really, really cross.

What does everyone else think?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

"I know this is likely to be a total divide on opinion and I've really enjoyed the discussion today about keeping a secret from a parent for a parent. A couple of comments there have made me wonder what the general _iews are on those who stay with a partner with whom they aren't in love... why would you stay? Don't you both deserve to be happy with other people?

If I found out that my parents had stayed together because of us, I'd be really, really cross.

What does everyone else think? "
I agree, with you _irtygirl.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

The best thing you can do for your children is to love your partner

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I think that you can't predict fucked upness and the effect of a split vs parents staying together isnt quantifiable because you don't know the outcome if the opposite had happened.

The people I know from divorced families are all bitter, whether they would still be bitter if their parents had stayed together isnt possible to know.

I always think of Larkin and his poem the first lines of which are

They fuck you up your mum and dad

They might not mean to but they do.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

my mum and dad separated when I was 8, it was one of the best days of my life......

and they only got better as each day passed.

I can still remember them having issues

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was deeply unhappy for the several years that I knew my parents were staying together just for me. It was much better once they'd split up.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"The best thing you can do for your children is to love your partner "

Amen to that.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm staying with my partner for my lads even at the ages of 17/22 my partner is more like a sister now

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wish my parents had gotten a divorce. They stayed together because of us kids. They hadn't shared a bedroom since I was 10 years old. My dad did move out at one point but came back because he didn't want to leave us. They talked, but they fought more. It was a complete mess of a house.

My brother tried to commit suicide. It's why my dad eventually left. But it didn't last for long. I laugh when I here people talk about the damage of divorce because it's not the divorce doing damage, in my opinion. It's the broken relationship. My parents didn't divorce, but we were pretty fucked up when we were kids.

It's part of the reason I never believed in love or marriage when I was younger. I always dreamed of growing up and living alone and how wonderful it would be. I didn't tell Marc I loved him until months after he said it to me. He would say it in french because he couldn't bring himself to say it in English and not hear it back.

I'm glad I got past it all. But I wish they had just divorced and saved me and my brother the trouble we had.

-Courtney

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *L RogueMan
over a year ago

London

If the parents are miserable then the children will see it...and be miserable. I think we forget that children see and understand more than we think.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *irtyGirl OP Woman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

"I'm staying with my partner for my lads even at the ages of 17/22 my partner is more like a sister now "

Why though?

If it's not too personal to answer so publicly? I'd like to try and understand what the thought process is, especially with teenagers/older kids.

The whole 'kids are fucked up' chat for me is too much of a generalisation. I think if you're a decent person and a decent parent then anything is possible but I'm really interested in other _iews.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was with my wife for 22 years,3 beautiful boys,youngest is nine.we split last year,even now we are still divided.she would rather we got back,I think it's the opposite.I believe there is less tension we ,but she can't/ doesn't see it that way.

but....we do openly talk more now,for the sake of the boys.something we never done before.if we didn't split I believe the effects on our boys would have been horrible....the main thing ti Di is to be open with the kids as to what is going on,or about any future plans,to let them know they are loved no matter what problems mum and dad are having.staying together would be great but the reality is usually somewhat different.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

" my mum and dad separated when I was 8, it was one of the best days of my life......

and they only got better as each day passed.

I can still remember them having issues"

and my speech impediment that had blighted me, left within a year or so.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My parents stayed together for the kids. When my dad was home they weren't talking most of the time. Every family holiday started with an argument. Don't get me wrong they weren't arguing all the time and most of the time they were civil. But it was strained. Even as a younger child i could tell that. They eventually divorced when i was 16. I wish they did it years earlier.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *assie48Woman
over a year ago

Stoke-on-Trent

I don't think unhappy people should stay together

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Been in a relationship where there was no love and stayed for the children, I would have been prepared to have been unhappy until the kids grew up, I have seen how it's affected the kids but my ex was bought up without a father figure so it's not that important to her, I do try my hardest for my children but sometimes feels like a losing battle trying to explain a father is for life not just for Christmas and Birthdays.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ylonhunterMan
over a year ago

I knew a bloke that stayed with his wife till the kids hit 18 and then left her, I thought he was stupid to stay but I could see his reasoning behind his decision.

If it was me I would be off instantly why hang around if your unhappy I wouldn't waste my time nor my life for anything. Harsh but my _iew!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *L RogueMan
over a year ago

London

"I don't think unhappy people should stay together "

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *issusAndHubsterCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

An awful situation that no one chooses to be in. It is very hard to say what is the right thing to do as every situation is different. But the over riding thing for me would be, do I want my children to judge the relationship they see their parents having as the one they should accept for themselves?

I want my children to look at their parents and aspire to what they have, be it happily together or happily apart.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

An acquaintances husband left the family and one of the sons was so badly affected he went back.

It can't be as simple as should always split or should always stay together...can it?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd take it a step back and say there are a hell of a lot of people who just shouldn't have had kids with a person in the first place. The contempt and venom some people spit towards their exes with whom they have children does nothing but make me think they must be an absolutely appalling judge of character to have decided to create life with that person in the first place.

People shouldn't stay together purely for the sake of the children because it can (but doesn't always) do more harm than good. But they should also put a bit more thought into having children with a person in the first place.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"An acquaintances husband left the family and one of the sons was so badly affected he went back.

It can't be as simple as should always split or should always stay together...can it?"

No. It isn't that simple. Life isn't simple, huh?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

It can't be as simple as should always split or should always stay together...can it?"

Nope, each story will be different

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When you stay together for the kids, you just plant the seeds of resentment, its pointless, and you help no one .

A couple should be together because they want to be together, or you end up with the situation where you are only as happy as the least happy of the two if you.

My first wife and I are blissfully happy, we get on now better than we ever did while we were together, we tried the stay together for the children thing, and it was making her miserable as well as us, now I count her as one if my friends, because, I found out she's actually quite a nice person, her husband is a good bloke too, and the best part is the only complaint our daughter has about her parents relationship is that we will join forces to cause embarrasment and have communicated since the day we broke up, so she can't get away with any shenanigans LOL

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"An acquaintances husband left the family and one of the sons was so badly affected he went back.

It can't be as simple as should always split or should always stay together...can it?

No. It isn't that simple. Life isn't simple, huh?"

Sadly not, no.

I'm not really qualified to comment as I have no direct experience just how I've seen things in other families including one very close to me.

Maybe I should shut up now

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *utterflyandArtificeCouple
over a year ago

Trowbridge

Good parenting does not rely on both 'rents living in the same house. A house filled with hate, distrust etc, is toxic.

A toxic up bringing does not necessarily produce toxic adolescents, but removing the toxicity (i.e. divorce) will make life easier to deal with fro the kids.

You are on this planet a long time, but here only once and you can't comeback; this ain't no dress rehearsal. You owe it to yourself to be happy - along as your happiness is not dependent on stalking some Ex.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"An acquaintances husband left the family and one of the sons was so badly affected he went back.

It can't be as simple as should always split or should always stay together...can it?

No. It isn't that simple. Life isn't simple, huh?

Sadly not, no.

I'm not really qualified to comment as I have no direct experience just how I've seen things in other families including one very close to me.

Maybe I should shut up now

Why? All input is interesting even without direct experience.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I know people who only stayed together cause she got pregnant

I know people who are staying together cause of the kids. Tbh it sounds kinda depressing. One is quite unhappy. I dunno how the other person feels

You only live once. So try to be happy

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was trapped by my circumstances. When they changed I was out. My children,my inlaws and my mother in law all said I should have gone years before. It's not always an option.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When my parents split i was 16.. was hell.

i missed family life.

My mum fell out of love with my dad, who was still desperately in love with her. Was heartbreaking to watch his heart break.

My mother left for the Midlands for a life with a new man. I couldnt cope and moved to Devon with my grandparents. My brother majorly suffered who was younger than me

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *utterflyandArtificeCouple
over a year ago

Trowbridge

"I was trapped by my circumstances. When they changed I was out. My children,my inlaws and my mother in law all said I should have gone years before. It's not always an option. "

A here: I thought I would be letting the side down if I left and my occupation was not conducive to divorce, admins cases weren't highly regarded. I even had her back after she left me in the lurch to run off with another dude.

When I finally made like a swastika and ran away from it the pressure release was immense and I now have a non-toxic life.

Even the step kids didn't know how I lasted so long.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My parents split after 25 years of a violent marriage I was told by both parents they hadn't been happy for years. My childhood was shit being a receiver of the violence and a witness. I hated my parents for that. They weren't happy and stayed for us. Then split when we had grown up. Thanks for nothing. When my 1st marriage was over I called it a day as soon as I realised it was irreparable. We both worked on our mutual love for the children and it has worked. In my opinion and it is only mine staying for the children is counter productive as I blame myself for my parents unhappiness x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Id rather be unhappy and get no sex then be a part time dad. Its time you cant get back and when there adults id fuck off then. I brought my kids into the world so ill stick with them till they jump the nest. And for the record that dont make me unhappy.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't and I didn't stay because of my daughter ...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Id rather be unhappy and get no sex then be a part time dad. Its time you cant get back and when there adults id fuck off then. I brought my kids into the world so ill stick with them till they jump the nest. And for the record that dont make me unhappy.

FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left.

Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners.

That's all in your own head.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I stayed in an abusive marriage for 5 plus years because of the children. I finally got out in April and I've never been happier. The children are settled and see their dad 50% of the time

Life's too short to stay unhappy and in my experience the children are happy when they see their parents happier

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I left an unhappy marriage, as I wasn't me whilst I stayed. I would have continued to be unhappy as would my ex and our children would have picked up the vibes. I don't believe they're disfunctional because their parents split up. Yes - sometimes they wanted a mum and dad that lived together but that was generally a short lived wish.

I realise though it was often different for Dads - as generally , not always and I think it's changing nowadays . Children often lived mostly with their Mum. 50/50 arrangements seem more common now.

If parents get their shit together and put their children first - a split household can work very well.

Sarah

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left.

Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners.

That's all in your own head."

Kids and partner are not even on the same level to me. As for you mum does she feel the same. She didnt miss out on any part of your younger life

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I left an unhappy marriage, as I wasn't me whilst I stayed. I would have continued to be unhappy as would my ex and our children would have picked up the vibes. I don't believe they're disfunctional because their parents split up. Yes - sometimes they wanted a mum and dad that lived together but that was generally a short lived wish.

I realise though it was often different for Dads - as generally , not always and I think it's changing nowadays . Children often lived mostly with their Mum. 50/50 arrangements seem more common now.

If parents get their shit together and put their children first - a split household can work very well.

Sarah

Man, I would have really hated a 50/50 living arrangement. I always liked routine as a teenager. I liked to know where my stuff was. Have my own space. Not have to be worried about where I'm going, who I'm living with, and what I need for the next few days.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

The best thing my parents did was to get divorced. They've both been remarried for 29/30 years & I have fantastic step-parents & a half-brother.

There's no way I would have stayed with my ex for the boys - we are all happier with our current situation.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left.

Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners.

That's all in your own head.

Kids and partner are not even on the same level to me. As for you mum does she feel the same. She didnt miss out on any part of your younger life"

I can see where you're coming from. It is difficult to decide what is best in each scenario. If staying with your family is the right thing for you then power on.

I will say, though, that just because someone opts for divorce doesn't make them a part time parent. They made the decision that was best for their situation.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left.

Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners.

That's all in your own head.

Kids and partner are not even on the same level to me. As for you mum does she feel the same. She didnt miss out on any part of your younger life"

She didn't feel like a 'part time mum', no. Her and my Dad sisn't love each other anymore, and it was causing me distress for them to live together when they didn't like each other - so they had to move out. I was allowed to choose who I wanted to live with.

FWIW, Both my parents missed out on large parts of my life because they both chose to work. My Dad worked 9-5 and I saw him most evenings, but my Mum worked part time so I didn't see her much anyway. That's pretty usual tbh. I suspect if they'd split up earlier, I actually would have spent *more* time with her, because she would have made the time.

Ultimately, children don't need a mum and a dad to grow up with. They can do perfectly fine with one of those, with two mums, two dads, more than two parents, or with no parents at all. It's what you do with your time together that actually counts. Not what address you live at. You can live with someone and have very poor quality time together (that was me and Mum growing up - we didn't have a good relationship) and you can live apart from someone and have fantastic time together.

Believing that continuing to live with someone even though you've split up somehow automatically makes you a better parent is nothing short of selfish. Refusing to let your partner have a life of their own because you insist on living with them just to see your child is nothing short of selfish.

Children should grow up understanding that there is no shame in deciding that you don't want to be in a relationship anymore and that you don't want to live with them. Too many of my friends stay with their partners (even without kids involved) because they have been brought up to believe that they are a failure if they 'quit' long term relationships. Parents should lead by example - if the relationship has broken down, then they should (IMO and in my personal experience) live apart and learn to be civil. For the childs sake.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I grew up in a happy, affectionate household; one that set a great example to me of what love should look like. My parents are still mad about each other after 45 years together.

I can't help but wonder what kind of message the kids get when mummy and daddy don't appear to have any affection for each other and what that would mean for their future relationships.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

"The best thing my parents did was to get divorced. They've both been remarried for 29/30 years & I have fantastic step-parents & a half-brother.

There's no way I would have stayed with my ex for the boys - we are all happier with our current situation. "

I think we're getting on better now & manage the co-parenting thing quite well too. He worked away a lot but has since changed job & sees more of the boys. We back each other up where appropriate, go to parents evening together etc... Apart from him also being on here he's the perfect ex!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its not always that simple, in a lot of ways it could cause resentment.

I know someone close to me that stayed and fell in love.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We didn't really consider the children when we decided to split up, which sounds really bad but we both knew the marriage was over and we were better off as friends, apart from when I am at ads (every two weeks on a Friday and Saturday night) I still see them every night.

That be said, it's not easy at all. When we first split, of course we wanted to keep it 'the same' and 'normal' because my ex came from split parents and didn't see much of his father (despite him living next door!), I said at the start I will be here for dinner every night and still put my youngest to bed but in reality that just isn't going to work, before when I moved out last year (had to move back due to financial reasons until after Christmas) I didn't have anything in my life and I relied on my ex more and more for help with money and stuff until it resulted in us having a very unhealthy relationship both sexually and beyond friends, now I'm moving at the end of February, I think it's going to be very different, I will still be seeing my kids everyday, apart from the days I'm with ads, I'll still see them when he's down (he hasn't met my boys yet) and I still intend to have dinner with them in the week a couple of nights but my ex has different ideas but I think he is slowly coming round to things changing.

I've been shouted at for wanting to break away a bit more, been told I'm a bad mother by my ex, despite the fact I was the one asked to move out and we had some teething problems when I first started going over ads for the weekends (I don't always think about the impact on the kids not calling at a set time or saying when I would be home) but that's all been ironed out now (although being asked to answer my exes text a bit quicker while I'm gone had to be sorted, I never take that long to respond probably about half hour), he constantly uses the kids to try and make me feel bad but I know I am a good mum and my kids tell me every day they love me.

Sorry for the long post lol.

G x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Myself and my ex thought we were doing the right thing by staying together for the sake of our child but didn't realise how it was effecting her until her teacher got in touch with us about changes in her behaviour we eventually split up 2 years ago and the change within a month with our daughter was great .we were so consumed in trying to be and act normal round her that we didn't realise what effects it was having yes I understand why people do it but look at the bigger picture a child is strong and adapts easily as adults we learn to live with the unappiness and try to carry on as normal but it's not been normal if you have to pretend all the time .so my opinion is if your unhappy leave sometimes you have to be selfish and think of yourself it doesn't mean you are not going to love your kids any less in fact I give and receive more love and affection then I ever did when I was with her dad living a lie x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The best thing you can do for your children is to love your partner "

wise beyond the words

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I realise though it was often different for Dads - as generally , not always and I think it's changing nowadays . Children often lived mostly with their Mum. 50/50 arrangements seem more common now.

If parents get their shit together and put their children first - a split household can work very well.

Sarah

It wouldn't work for everyone , but it's an option that can and does for some. Children need routine - I agree, but also parents that can be flexible when it's best for the child at that time.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left.

Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners.

That's all in your own head.

Kids and partner are not even on the same level to me. As for you mum does she feel the same. She didnt miss out on any part of your younger life

Awesome reply.

For the record if my comment about being a part time parent offended anyone i didnt mean to. We all do our best in different ways

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's really hard to comment as I've not been in that position but reading these comments..seems the best thing to do is split up and be 2 happy people, which has got to be better for the kids in the long run

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

I wish that my parents had split up when they wanted to. Knowing that they stayed together for us put a huge load of guilt on us, and because my mother was angry with my father, she physically abused us.

I split up with my ex when my daughter was 11 and it was the best thing we both did, as we were much happier, and my daughter got to see her father a lot more than she did before.

Maybe some people are right to stay together for the kids, but they need to take everything into account, not just themselves.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if I'm repeating previous posters, but I don't think that staying in a loveless relationship sets a good model for the kids. Children learn about how to be in adult relationships from the people who set the example. I believe it's also important to teach children about self worth by showing that we value our own happiness as well as theirs. Those lessons will not be learned easily by seeing their parents miserable and unfulfilled with partners they have no affection for.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's really hard to comment as I've not been in that position but reading these comments..seems the best thing to do is split up and be 2 happy people, which has got to be better for the kids in the long run

Yes, for sure. Plus you get to introduce awesome new people and support networks into your childs life.

For instance, I have a great relationship with my stepdad. We hang out more regularly than I hang out with my Mum. And I love his mum too - my stepgran.

And on the other side of the family, I love my two new stepsisters from my Dads new relationship. I've never had siblings before and it's pretty cool to be honest.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would also like to say, despite my ex saying my boys would resent me for spending time with my boyfriend, in fact, I think it has got better, my 'difficult' middle son who is going through the 'I hate you' teenage years, has been giving me fist bumps (closes thing I get to a hug) and has been chatting more to me and my other two sons have grown close to me and I think I can say and I can admit this, I've become a better mother and more loving through all this and they all seem happier as a result, I know I'm living with them at present so I am aware this bond we have developed might change but I will cross that bridge if and when it happens, I'm only moving ten mintues down the road so it's not like they won't see me, say if I moved ten miles away

G x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Life is too short to spend it unhappy in the misguided belief that you are making someone else happy. No one wins in that situation.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think the crux is some people leave it too long. Some people leave for stupid reasons they later regret.

For me anyway its about knowing is it the right time. Is it for the right reasons or am i fooling myself for a grass is greener reason x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I do wonder how many people who stay for the kids ever get round to splitting up or always find an excuse to stay together?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If I found out that my parents had stayed together because of us, I'd be really, really cross.

What does everyone else think? "

I totally agree. My kids are raised by me alone and they are high achievers and passing every subject within higher levels. They aren't chavs who run amoke within society speaking lyk dis ya git me blud?? Alot of single parents do amazing jobs. My kids were constantly miserable looking when myself and their were together. Soon as he left and after the sadness of him leaving went, all of us were much happier within our home and lives. Kids aren't stupid and they can tell when something isn't right.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Life is too short to spend it unhappy in the misguided belief that you are making someone else happy. No one wins in that situation.

Well said

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *innamon!Woman
over a year ago

no matter

I think my kids would be upset if they thought we stayed together for them.. In fact things only changed for us after they were at Uni and had basically left home.

I guess we stayed because we care for each other broadly speaking.

It will never be like it was but I dont think we would be any happier apart.

Its company and support dont think there is a point in throwing it in now just to be alone.

We make an effort when kids are about Grandkids would have helped I think but that is never going to happen.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *igeiaWoman
over a year ago

Bristol

I grew up in a house where this happened. And I knew about it from an early age but knew they didn't want me knowing so did my best to make everything better or make them stop hating each other. Like staying up late so when I heard arguing I could get up for a glass of water and distract them before it got to the bad stage, covering for my dad when he was out screwing around, which I knew my mum already knew about, trying to protect my younger siblings from finding out how fucked up everything was. That kind of thing. Huge stress and it made me grow up far too soon. They eventually split when I was in my late teens and the relief was incredible. So staying together 'for the kids' might work if it's a tacit agreement and they can get on as friends. But not when the relationship is toxic; and never assume kids won't figure that out.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *erbyDalesCplCouple
over a year ago

Derbyshire

"The best thing you can do for your children is to love your partner "

People should try to set a good example to their kids, and surely that must include being an adult about relationships.

It's a hard one though, because while my early adulthood might have been easier, that period has undoubtedly helped shape who I am today, and I therefore probably wouldn't be with the best person any man could ever hope to love.

Mr ddc

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left.

Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners.

That's all in your own head.

Kids and partner are not even on the same level to me. As for you mum does she feel the same. She didnt miss out on any part of your younger life"

I stayed as I didn't want there dad to miss out. When I split from my first husband the kids stayed with him as I was the working half of the family ... And even though I visited most evenings to help put them to bed I missed out on loads of stuff.

So 2nd time around I didn't want him to miss anything. So I tried to keep it together. It is very hard not to see your child every night and be there for them x not comparable to a partner in anyway x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *irtyGirl OP Woman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Wow! Thank you! You're all amazing!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oobsandballsMan
over a year ago

st andrews

My parents finally split when I was 16. I'm the eldest of three. I remember all the times when mum had got ready to go out, spending ages pampering herself and getting dolled up, only for him to call and say he was staying in the pub with his mates. Football, mates and booze were more important to him.

Those times were usually followed by mum taking us to her parents, he would come round next day with flowers and apologies.

Then there were the arguments, and the atmospheres you could cut with a knife. There were some fun times but those were few and far between.

So when she finally kicked him out for good, I was relieved.

Anyone that thinks the kids don't pick up on what's going on are kidding themselves.

And that is part of the reason I don't want children.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left.

Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners.

That's all in your own head.

Kids and partner are not even on the same level to me. As for you mum does she feel the same. She didnt miss out on any part of your younger life

I was making the point about feeling 'part time'. Using a different example to make the comparison.

I don't feel part time just because I don't live with someone.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If I found out that my parents had stayed together because of us, I'd be really, really cross.

What does everyone else think? "

I don't want to be flippant but I think how people run their marriages and bring up their kids is personal and upto them

Nobody is a perfect parent and we all make mistakes, just what we see as a mistake others may not

I stayed with my ex for years because of my children, do I regret it now? Yes, did I feel I was doing the right thing at the time? Yes

That's my mistake

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Any answer on here will be unique to the person saying it.

I've experienced both sides with parents / partner, i have no idea if the other outcome had been played out instead what my life would be like now, might be better could be an awful lot worse.

What I will add is though, whilst staying together for the kids maybe not the best option for all it should be the biggest thing taken into consideration before leaving (excl domestic violence).

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *opinovMan
over a year ago

Point Nemo, Cumbria

A difficult subject close to my heart - yet, as a thread, fruitful and oddly uplifting... with much to think about.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

My kids asked me if I was staying with their dad because of them. When I said yes they said don't.

Best thing we did. My girls adore their dad but could see he was making me unhappy.

In the end we divorced but never missed an open evening, college/uni visit etc. We used to travel together to visit our daughters at uni.

It worked for us.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ancs MinxWoman
over a year ago

Burnley

Sure parents wouldn't have wanted their children to have had the feeling or feel like they were to blame for their parents staying together just for the sake of the kids, sure they would prefer happy parents who were not together and both having the chance to be happy and not cheat because things were lacking, sex, love or anything else.....so many cheats say they stay for the sake of the kids, what a big thing to put on kids shoulders.....i think their need to grow a backbone and leave, give the kids the love and support they need, and all would be happy!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mum stayed with my dad for 21 years... When I was 13 she finally left. He was abusive for the whole marriage.

When we asked why she stayed for so long she said because of you kids.

Made us feel guilty for her being so unhappy and on the end of an abusive husband.

My childhood is very grainy because I've blocked most of it out.. But I do remember listening to arguing on a nightly basis while in bed.

The only memories that stand out are bad ones.

I hated my childhood and wasn't particularly close with my mum and I always felt like it was because I was the youngest and she was staying for me.

I have children now and left there dad... They are happy, loving, very clever, well rounded social kids. And have an extended family.

I ran away from home on numerous occasions, dropped out of school and suffered depression in my teens. I also tried and succeeded to get pregnant at a young age as felt the need to have unconditional love from someone.

Everyone's circumstances are different. But and it's a big but.. Kids are like sponges.. They pick up on tension and upset, take things in when you don't think they're listening. In my opinion it does more harm than good to stay in an unhappy marriage.

Kids need to see there parents happy.. Even if you think you're hiding it well.. You're not

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

FWIW I never felt my mum was a 'part time mum' after she left.

Just as I don't feel like a 'part time girlfriend' because I don't live with one of my partners.

That's all in your own head.

Kids and partner are not even on the same level to me. As for you mum does she feel the same. She didnt miss out on any part of your younger life

I was making the point about feeling 'part time'. Using a different example to make the comparison.

I don't feel part time just because I don't live with someone."

I'd say for most parents it can make them feel that way. Not living with a partner doesn't make you part time but your individuals.... Not being there when your child may do a once in a lifetime thing.. or them experience something for the first time does make it feel like a part time thing .. or in the parents with separate living arrangements that I know x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I left my family last summer I tried to stay for the children but in the end it was just to differcult. Both my ex n i were terribly unhappy and we're being verbally abusive to each other.

Now all of us get on so much better and both our daughter's are so much happier.

If I'd known that the children would of coped as well as they have I prob would of left ealier.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If the parents are miserable then the children will see it...and be miserable. I think we forget that children see and understand more than we think."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ummersun99Woman
over a year ago

North Yorkshire by the Sea

"If the parents are miserable then the children will see it...and be miserable. I think we forget that children see and understand more than we think."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i stayed with him but it was more because he had me believe i was useless and wouldnt cope alone etc - he ground me down until one night he snapped and got quite violent with me infront of the kids - he only did it the once and within 3 months we had all moved out and left him - i always refer to it as a light being switched on and seeing things from the outside looking in for the first time and was the best thing for me and the kids for sure- just wish id done it earlier

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"i stayed with him but it was more because he had me believe i was useless and wouldnt cope alone etc - he ground me down until one night he snapped and got quite violent with me infront of the kids - he only did it the once and within 3 months we had all moved out and left him - i always refer to it as a light being switched on and seeing things from the outside looking in for the first time and was the best thing for me and the kids for sure- just wish id done it earlier "

Well done, that took a lot of courage

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *erbyDalesCplCouple
over a year ago

Derbyshire

"If the parents are miserable then the children will see it...and be miserable. I think we forget that children see and understand more than we think."

That isn't always the case though. If they keep sight of maintaining a steady, stable home for the children it is possible.

Our parents kept it hidden from the three of us for years, almost until we all had left home, right up until the letter that said "right, we thought we'd better tell you all, since it's going to be in the News of the World tomorrow..."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If the parents are miserable then the children will see it...and be miserable. I think we forget that children see and understand more than we think.

That isn't always the case though. If they keep sight of maintaining a steady, stable home for the children it is possible.

That happened to a uni friend of mine and she was absolutely devasted as she'd had literally no clue her parents had been unhappy. She felt enormous betrayal and was incredibly bitter about relationships for many years.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now.

My partner told me she no longer loved me nor fancied me sexually 7 years ago. I've had my own bedroom since then. We still get on, with plenty of laughter in the house, but that's mainly down to me because I'm soft.

I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much.

I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently.

Wish I could step back 20 years.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now.

I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much.

I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently.

Wish I could step back 20 years. "

Hi, just a question does your little one know you have your bedroom?

G x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ancs MinxWoman
over a year ago

Burnley

"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now.

I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much.

I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently.

Wish I could step back 20 years. "

but you think he would be happier knowing your on here, or happier that both of you are happy living your own lives and making sure he is loved and knowing ypu are both happy!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *erbyDalesCplCouple
over a year ago

Derbyshire

Although it certainly led to an 'interesting' couple of years, I was enormously lucky, and I guess that too makes me who I am today

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now.

I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much.

I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently.

Wish I could step back 20 years.

Hi, just a question does your little one know you have your bedroom?

G x"
Yes he does, he's grown up quite happy knowing that. X

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tried staying "for the kids" .Tghey ended up as unhappy as me, so I left, taking them with me .

My son told me as we moved out. "I don't like what's happening but I understand why you're doing it"

Pleased to say it didn't affect either of them and they still live with me now 6 1/2 years on. They have a great relationship with their dad and I actually get on better with him now than I did in the three years before our split.

For me, the best decision ever. X

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now.

I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much.

I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently.

Wish I could step back 20 years.

but you think he would be happier knowing your on here, or happier that both of you are happy living your own lives and making sure he is loved and knowing ypu are both happy!"
There would be no need for him to know im on here. This is for my own personal release only. He's a happy child. Btw, we mailed each other 3 months ago! Lol x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now.

I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much.

I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently.

Wish I could step back 20 years.

Hi, just a question does your little one know you have your bedroom?

G xYes he does, he's grown up quite happy knowing that. X"

Well that's good in a way, you may not be really happy but at least it seems to be working for you xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I stayed with my ex till all my kids left home. I seriously thought at the time I was doing the right thing.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now.

I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much.

I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently.

Wish I could step back 20 years.

Hi, just a question does your little one know you have your bedroom?

G xYes he does, he's grown up quite happy knowing that. X

Well that's good in a way, you may not be really happy but at least it seems to be working for you xx"
Yes it works, but I miss the intimacy sooo much.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ancs MinxWoman
over a year ago

Burnley

"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now.

I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much.

I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently.

Wish I could step back 20 years.

but you think he would be happier knowing your on here, or happier that both of you are happy living your own lives and making sure he is loved and knowing ypu are both happy!There would be no need for him to know im on here. This is for my own personal release only. He's a happy child. Btw, we mailed each other 3 months ago! Lol x"

what's that got to do with anything, i stayed with my ex for 12 years, and it was 12 years of abuse, in every sense of the word, no my children were young, 4 and 9 when finally one day i realised i couldn't take anymore, yes i wanted to stay for the kids and fir them to have two parents in a loving relationship, but it was not to be.. i left....three years later he committed suicide, do i regret leaving.....no i dont, did my boys blame me, no they didn't even though they new nothing about what he did to me...they don't even know now and they are 26 and 30, shit husband...fantastic father...but the realisation that if i had stayed, it would be me that would be dead......and nobody knows what goes on behind anybodys closed doors..but my sons are great boys...never been a days trouble to me, of course they suffered and gad to have counselling....shit happens in life, i never bad mouthed their father to them ever, no need to....but kids do cope...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Small children adapt to parents splitting up as long as they are told they are loved and see the split parent at regular times they will be fine ,teenagers it's that little bit harder ,they can get angry and hurt and feel rejected but In time should get over it ,why stay if your unhappy and not in love ,move out ...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Didn't read the other comments but I would never stay with a partner for the kids. I have 3 children and left as I was unhappy and the relationship wasn't working. It did take time to do, but not because of the kids.

I feel staying together for the sake of kids is more damaging. No matter what anyone thinks you can't play happy families, unless you're truly happy. If you're not happy and don't love on another then the children will see it, if there's hostility, lies, distance, etc then children aren't blind they will notice and may in turn end up having relationships just like it. Personally not something I want for my kids.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now.

I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much.

I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently.

Wish I could step back 20 years.

Hi, just a question does your little one know you have your bedroom?

G xYes he does, he's grown up quite happy knowing that. X

Well that's good in a way, you may not be really happy but at least it seems to be working for you xxYes it works, but I miss the intimacy sooo much.

xx"

At least you didn't fall into the same trap I did late last year, be split up, live together and still have sex but at the same time everything changed, horrible time really looking back and so unhealthy, I'm sure over time things will improve but for now your little one sounds happy and you still have here as a bit of a release xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mum and dad split up when I was about 6 and I hated it. I felt different to everyone else only seeing my dad once a week, not like everyone else's who lived at home with them and having to have stuff at different houses.

They actually got on quite well just fell out of love and neither has ended up in proper long term relationships since, although I suppose there's still time, they're only in their early 50s. Honestly, I wish they'd just stayed together, it's not like they hated each other, both just had some sort of unrealistic fairytale ideal about what else was out there and my mum has said as much to me recently.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well done, that took a lot of courage

not really - kids were terrified and it opened my eyes to what he was really like - i certainly saw him in a different light after that night - will never forgive him ever for so many things

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *aucy tiggerWoman
over a year ago

Back where I belong

There's arguments for and against, but isn't it better that children are brought up in a happy, loving environment - wether that be with biological parents, single parents, or any other combination?

I was the product of a broken home and 40 years later, I still have a very difficult relationship with my father and he was the one that stayed.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago

Shrewsbury

I did stay with my now ex for the kids until I realised this was not making me a good mum.

I never knew how much of the domestic violence the children had seen or now later on vitnessed and how it has affected them.

I may now be happy in my life unfortunately my ex does everything in his power to make it Unhappy.

All I know is when the children are with with me I try to make it time to be happy and have fun.R

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *XHNHWoman
over a year ago

Stokeish...

[Removed by poster at 26/01/16 21:27:41]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *irtyGirl OP Woman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Just to clarify, in no way do I think it's black and white or just simple to leave your family behind. I can only speak for how I *think* I'd feel because I have zero experience in this department.

I'm grateful to you all for sharing your stories because it does help me to understand a little more. Every situation is different and we all make choices that we think are best for everyone. I'd guess it takes a massive amount of courage to give up on a relationship with someone you have kids with, regardless of the circumstances.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"Never has a thread been more apt. This is happening to me. Now.

I want to leave and find love again (and sex!), but it would devastate my 10 year old who dotes on me. It would also hurt me sooo much.

I know this thread is full of 'leave and be happy' and 'kids are so resilient', but each situation is different and has to be looked at differently.

Wish I could step back 20 years. "

My children adored their dad: still do. They're 24, 28 and 33 with families of their own, yet he can "summons" them and they're there. Their partners treat them like princesses, just like their dad.

Our son died and we grieved separately. I was always the strong one but for once I needed him to be strong. He couldn't and my silent resentment and his "guilt" broke us. Whilst I internalised my bitterness he turned his on me.

I only moved four miles away and the kids bedrooms remained the same so they saw it as having two homes. Child care was shared, no playing one off against the other.

Even my mother in law asked if we were divorced as we got on so well. Still the only man I trust because I know he loved, still loves me.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I never knew my parents together and when I was about 17 my mum was going through her 2nd divorce. My dad told me he was trying to get back with my mum which to me was totally weird because I couldn't imagine them together!

I split with my ex when my kids were 1 & 3 and they understand that people deserve to be happy. She is s very clever girl and she knew I wasn't happy and used to get upset when I was single but she knew people can't stay together if they aren't happy because it's not fair!

-Ads

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I tried that staying with my ex fir sake of kids and waa deeply unhappy arguing all the time sex was dreadful he was like a puppy shagging a lampost for about five mins the chemistry had gone but we came to our senses and split. Xxxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *yldstyleWoman
over a year ago

A world of my own

I split from my husband because I couldn't stand feeling trapped in a loveless relationship. My son's were quite young at the time. I knew if we stayed together it would hurt them more.

We now get on far better and I believe my boys to be better off as a result of not living in a war zone.

My ex is now in amother very unhappy relationship. Unfortunately the woman in question has made it quite clear he will never see their daughter if he leaves. So he's staying and counting down the years til she's old enough to make her own choices.

I feel so sorry for him.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If I found out that my parents had stayed together because of us, I'd be really, really cross.

What does everyone else think? "

I agree!

It really gets my back up when people say/think that a child from a broken family will be "fucked up" my son is doing just fine THANKYOU very much it's been pretty much just me and him for 15 years. (Sees his dad most every other weekend)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I split from my husband because I couldn't stand feeling trapped in a loveless relationship. My son's were quite young at the time. I knew if we stayed together it would hurt them more.

We now get on far better and I believe my boys to be better off as a result of not living in a war zone.

I feel so sorry for him. "

Sometimes waiting for them to get to the age of making their own mind up does not work, esp if the mother has poisoned the child's mind against the other parent.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *andm288Couple
over a year ago

oxford

If I found out that my parents had stayed together because of us, I'd be really, really cross.

What does everyone else think? "

Everyone is entitled to happiness

I love my kids & always will

But yes separation / divorce is hard on all parties

And my eldest doesn't approve of the separation

Yes it probably has messed up their lives / emotions but as each year passes it gets easier

Would I do it again ?

In short probably not , but who knows what the future holds

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My parents were unhappy together and constantly arguing they still are now after 26 years together. They used to take it out on me and my younger brother and bitch about each other to us. They'd even drag us into the arguments. My brother self harmed and became suicidal with it all. For that reason I wish they'd have divorced years ago.

But I do understand that when younger children are involved it's more difficult to just leave for custody reasons and agreeing on arrangements that suit both parents. Plus there's always the worry that one parent could be denied access to see the child or children by the other parent tough one OP

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If I found out that my parents had stayed together because of us, I'd be really, really cross.

What does everyone else think?

I agree!

I was fucked up BECAUSE my mum and step dad stayed together! It was a seriously abusive relationship.

6 months ago my husband moved out after deciding it was the right thing to do last January. My eldest was very upset and scared at the time, but last night we were talking and I asked how he thought things were now. He said 'it's amazing!' The boys stay with their dad every Thursday, Friday and Saturday, and are with me the rest of the time. The fact that my ex and I get on really well (most of the time) helps foster a positive environment for them. Splitting up doesn't have to mean fucked up children.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *aeriequeenWoman
over a year ago

Manchester

I haven't caught all of the thread but my kids say it's much better since I split from their dad five years ago.

Life has been more routine and settled, we're not all walking on eggshells and the house is generally more relaxed.

They have excelled at school, behave and look to have bright futures. They also know how to have fun within reason.

They think it's had a much more positive effect on me too

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I haven't caught all of the thread but my kids say it's much better since I split from their dad five years ago.

Life has been more routine and settled, we're not all walking on eggshells and the house is generally more relaxed.

They have excelled at school, behave and look to have bright futures. They also know how to have fun within reason.

They think it's had a much more positive effect on me too

exactly this - we had a moment we often refer back to - it was a couple of weeks into our new home-was our first sunday roast etc - everybody helped cook and wash up - when it was over we all sat and looked and realised that this is what sundays should be like - (our sundays with him actually got a mention in the divorce gubbins)- my kids too have gone on to do well - university graduates now and both following their dream - no thanks to him

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *aeriequeenWoman
over a year ago

Manchester

"I haven't caught all of the thread but my kids say it's much better since I split from their dad five years ago.

Life has been more routine and settled, we're not all walking on eggshells and the house is generally more relaxed.

They have excelled at school, behave and look to have bright futures. They also know how to have fun within reason.

They think it's had a much more positive effect on me too

This sounds very similar to me. After the initial shock I was surprised how well we all adapted to a new calmer life. I was in charge but I let them help decide how we ALL wanted things to run in the house. It's really worked well and we feel much more like a team/family unit than we ever did before.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is a subject close to my heart.

I was one of those children.

Me and my sister knew my parents weren't happy, there was no affection between my parents. It was obvious they shouldn't have been together even though there was no blatant toxicity or arguing. They were civil, they were doing what a lot of parents who believe they're doing the right thing do.

My dad waited until I was old enough to stand on my own 2 feet (17) before he finally went. I'd say that was about 10 years too late. I carried an awful lot of guilt coz he stayed clearly unhappy, clearly there to be "provider" for what?

To show us it's better to be unhappy? To not show us what a healthy relationship looks like? To carry the burden of that?

I do understand the why behind it, I really do, but what I can say is that neither myself or my sister have had successful adult relationships. We have both been in abusive relationships (that could be pure coincidence I don't know) but I do think it played a part, and oddly enough was both our second serious relationship. The first ones we both ended, the second ones were highly toxic (me and her don't even talk so it isn't like either of us knew and copied the other in some kind of sibling rivalry - who would actively choose that?!)

Anyway, personally I think it *can* work, but only if you are honest and open with the children. Don't hide shit from them coz they'll know something is off even if they don't know exactly what.

I can totally understand the financial implications of divorce, or needing to sell the house etc. But you don't always have to! You can still live in the same house and all be happy.

If you choose to separate but stay for the kids or for financial reasons, do it with care and tell them the truth. That doesn't mean belittling or berating the other parent when I say that, it means telling the kids we aren't in love any longer, but we do love you so want to both be here for you. Sleep in separate rooms, but give them the chance to understand, you can still live together and form other relationships outside of that home, there's no shame in it at all. As long as the both of you talk, communicate, agree to do what you believe is best for the kids, and surely that means teaching them that they don't have to condemn themselves to an unhappy marriage. Teach them that they AND you deserve happiness. If mum has a new boyfriend so what? If dad has a new girlfriend so what? As long as you are respectful and considerate it can be done. Nobody is saying you have to move out to form other bonds, other relationships.

I mean, how cool would it be for the children to have 2 loving parents who also have other loving relationships? Talk about showing them if you want something you can do it your own way to make it work, that they don't have to conform to social norms, that it's okay to be different.

The thing that can't be unbroken is trust, so please, do things honestly, considerately, be true to yourselves.

If I found out my dad had given up the love of his life, the person who made him so so happy for me? I'd be scarred for life. Don't put that burden on your children, please.

Ask yourself this question.

You're staying in a situation FOR your children right? But... would you WANT that relationship for your children?

If they came to you, their mentor, their role model and told you they were unhappy in their marriage would you tell them to stay or would you tell them they deserve to be happy?

I think you know the answer.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ngel_vs_devil33Woman
over a year ago

i’ll let you know

I spent 9 years trying to make things work my partner now ex for the kids. The minute I left him I felt so much better, it took a while for the kids to comes to terms with it, but family life is so much better. Xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is a subject close to my heart.

I was one of those children.

To show us it's better to be unhappy? To not show us what a healthy relationship looks like? To carry the burden of that?

Anyway, personally I think it *can* work, but only if you are honest and open with the children. Don't hide shit from them coz they'll know something is off even if they don't know exactly what.

I can totally understand the financial implications of divorce, or needing to sell the house etc. But you don't always have to! You can still live in the same house and all be happy.

The thing that can't be unbroken is trust, so please, do things honestly, considerately, be true to yourselves.

If I found out my dad had given up the love of his life, the person who made him so so happy for me? I'd be scarred for life. Don't put that burden on your children, please.

Ask yourself this question.

You're staying in a situation FOR your children right? But... would you WANT that relationship for your children?

If they came to you, their mentor, their role model and told you they were unhappy in their marriage would you tell them to stay or would you tell them they deserve to be happy?

I think you know the answer.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Wakefield

From my experience. The older the children are the more problems it causes. If you are going to leave do it when the kids are young. When the get older the take sides. Vote with their feet re visiting. When they are young they just do what they are told.

I did it as long as I could. They were 16 and 12. I’m convinced that had they been just a couple of years younger there would have been less problems to overcome.

Have some self respect. If you are sure you will leave one day, do it sooner rather than later.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"From my experience. The older the children are the more problems it causes. If you are going to leave do it when the kids are young. When the get older the take sides. Vote with their feet re visiting. When they are young they just do what they are told.

I did it as long as I could. They were 16 and 12. I’m convinced that had they been just a couple of years younger there would have been less problems to overcome.

Have some self respect. If you are sure you will leave one day, do it sooner rather than later. "

I completely agree. My sister disowned my dad the day he went (she was 20) and her treatment of my dad is why me and her can't even look at each other.

I resented my mum for the way she treated my dad (among other things) but still speak to her on occasion.

The other thing that concerns me is if people wait until the kids move out then what? The kids who are now young adults will likely believe they were the glue that held their family together and feel guilty for moving out! Then if the parents do tell them the truth, that they waited... guess what? Another side order of guilt.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman
over a year ago

On a mooch

I have been one of those kids and also one of those parents.

There is no easy answer as every situation is different, each person will do what they think is right at the time.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If the parents are miserable then the children will see it...and be miserable. I think we forget that children see and understand more than we think."

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ark ph0enixWoman
over a year ago

Teesside

I did that. For 2 long years. In hindsight I now realise I shouldn't have. Kids see me as much happier now, and I honestly believe they are too.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *partharmonyCouple
over a year ago

Ruislip

I was married and we had problems after about four years by which time we had two children. Six years in and things were getting really bad and she became regularly abusive. I stayed for the children but I felt destroyed and hopeless.

In the end, after about 12 years together I left. I couldn't cope any more. I had no concentration, she isolated me and verbally abused me and my career was going down the toilet. I was a mess.

If I didn't leave, I probably wouldn't have been in a position to look after the children so they might have been worse off by me staying.

If I had know the what I know now then I would have left four or five years earlier. Better still I would never have married her.

Luke

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread