FabSwingers.com forum: Silly gag topic

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Come on..lets hear your best gags. I love the silly Tommy Cooper type jokes

I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what do you call a fly with no wings?

a walk!

did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

he sold his soul to santa!

he also became a pimp and bought a warehouse

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

ha ha

Never trust an undertaker..they will always let you down

I said to the doctor, 'Can you give me something for my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions.

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By *hoenixmanMan
over a year ago

Where men are men, and sheep are nervous...!

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I've got Alzheimers

Sausage

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By *ire_bladeMan
over a year ago

Manchester

"what do you call a fly with no wings?

a walk!

did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

he sold his soul to santa!

he also became a pimp and bought a warehouse

I'm stealing them

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By *hoenixmanMan
over a year ago

Where men are men, and sheep are nervous...!

"Doctor! Doctor! I'm suffering from 'acne!"

"Then move to Walthamstow..."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My all time fave

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off

haha

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By *oward1978Man
over a year ago

Rotherham

Two termites go to a bar. One asks the other, "Where's the bar tender?".

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By *enard ArgenteMan
over a year ago

London and France

Tommy Cooper at the recycling bins:

" Glass, Bottle, Bottle, Glass"

Phoned up about starting advanced yoga classes, they said " how flexible are you?"

" Well I can't do Wednesdays"

I said to the doctor;

" Can you give me something for the wind"

He gave me a kite.

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By *ty31Man
over a year ago

NW London

I took my cross eyed dog to the Vet. He picked him up and said "sir I'm going to have to put this dog down"

"You can't put a dog down just cos he's cross eyed"

The vet replied "no cos he's bloody heavy"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick

Why don't ducks fly upside down?

If they did they'd quack up

Doctor doctor I think I'm a kleptomaniac.....

Have you taken anything for it?

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By *oward1978Man
over a year ago

Rotherham

Two flies are sat on a dog poo...

Fly 1: I've not seen you in work for ages. Where have you been?

Fly 2: I've been on the sick.

What did the Mexican Fireman call his two sons?

Jose and Hose B.

A man walks into the doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove.", says the man.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ask me if im a lorry driver

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

haha..class

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By *hoenixmanMan
over a year ago

Where men are men, and sheep are nervous...!

Two Nuns sitting in a bath...

Nun 1. "Where's the soap?"

Nun 2. "Yes it does rather, doesn't it.."

And back home with Mum and Jimmy...

Jimmy. "Mum, I hate my Dad's guts!"

Mum. "Then leave them on the side of the plate, dear...."

Jimmy "Mum, why is Daddy staggering down the garden..?"

Mum "Shut up and reload......"

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By *verysmileMan
over a year ago

Canterbury

Angela Merkel is visiting Greece and reaches Customs.

"Occupation? "

"No, just visiting".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"what do you call a fly with no wings?

a walk!

did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

he sold his soul to santa!

he also became a pimp and bought a warehouse

I'm stealing them

feel free!! I stole them in the first place

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Angela Merkel is visiting Greece and reaches Customs.

"Occupation? "

"No, just visiting".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"what do you call a fly with no wings?

a walk!

did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

he sold his soul to santa!

he also became a pimp and bought a warehouse

I'm stealing them

feel free!! I stole them in the first place

You forgot about the blokes that stole a calendar they got 6 months each

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Venison's deer isn't it

You know who gives kids a bad name, the Beckham's.

Two veterans walking towards each other both drawing their right leg one said to the other "land mine back in 69"

The other replies "dog shit back in the parking lot"

I phoned my boss to say I wasn't coming in because I'm sick, he said how sick are you, I said I'm in bed with my sister.

What do you call a black man in a suit? By his name. You racist

I've been finding lego all over the house all day, I don't know what to.make of it.

I was lay in bed with my girlfriend and she started stroking my cock, I said "hmmm feeling randy are we" no she said, sometimes I just miss mine

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one to one time.

I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

open mike in the fab forums

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you marry a light house keeper is your marriage on the rocks

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By *oward1978Man
over a year ago

Rotherham

Why did the lifeguard not save the hippie ?

Because he was too far out man .

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says 'Why the long face?'

The horse says 'My alcoholism is destroying my family.'

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."

The horse says "Sure."

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By *verysmileMan
over a year ago

Canterbury

Victoria Beckham is looking for a novel gift for David's birthday. She goes to Harrods and says that it has to be something that David doesn't own already. The assistant suggests a Thermos Flask...

" What's that fing do then?" she asks.

"Madam, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold", the assistant replies.

"Perfectamundo....I will take it" says the posh one.

When she gets home, Booklyn sees the new gift and says "What is it mum?"

"Its a fermos flask. It keeps hot fings hot and cold fings cold" she replies.

Come the happy day, she presents David with the gift. "What is it?" He asks.

"This is a fermos flask. It will keep hot fings hot and cold fings cold. It's a bleeding miracle and I am testing it as we speak!" she proudly exclaims.

Amazed, David asks "What do you have in it?"

"Two cups of tea and a choc ice......."

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By *ty31Man
over a year ago

NW London

Two blondes walk into a bar.

You'd have thought one would have noticed it...

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By *onnie55Man
over a year ago

Port Talbot

This guy got sacked from the Helium Factory..

His boss didn't like his tone of voice..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just ordered a Buddhist pizza, its one with everything

Two wolves fans sitting drinking in a bar, each drink they raised their glasses and said "to twelve months" after a while the barman asked what they were celebrating, "we just finished a jigsaw and it only took 12 months" the bar man said "that's a long time to finish a puzzle" "yes" said the second "but it said 2-3 years on the box

I've got alcoholic constipation, I can't pass a pub

My girlfriend said I'm immature, I said "i know you are but what am i"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw a guy going mental in an aisle at the super market, throwing cheese at the milk, yoghurt and butter while shouting and swearing! "How dairy" i thought to myself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What is made of concrete and sits on hilltops howling at the moon?

A coyote.... What about the concrete? I just threw that in to make it hard

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Little old lady to butcher..."Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"

Butcher..."No,I'm just warming my hands"

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By *hoenixmanMan
over a year ago

Where men are men, and sheep are nervous...!

"Little old lady to butcher..."Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"

Butcher..."No,I'm just warming my hands"

PMSL!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Blizzard kills 19 in USA

Ices claim responsibility

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I once saw a Welshman struggling with a ewe "are you shearing that sheep?" I asked, he replied " no you can bloody get your own!"

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By *ty31Man
over a year ago

NW London

Two Irish men in the Australian outback see a man being eaten by a crocodile. One turns to the other and remarks "look at that flash fucker there with his Lacoste Sleeping bag"

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By *otty69Couple
over a year ago

bedford

Love the thread some well.funny ones

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By *adystephanieTV/TS
over a year ago

glos

"Angela Merkel is visiting Greece and reaches Customs.

"Occupation? "

"No, just visiting".

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By *adystephanieTV/TS
over a year ago

glos

What do you call an alien with 3 balls

An extratertesticle....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom ?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's white and wears tartan trousers. Rupert the fridge.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man walks into a chip shop

Frier says 'The opticians is next door'

Man says 'how do you know I want the opticians ?'

Frier says 'I could tell the minute you walked thru the window'

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? Edward

What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head? Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with 4 planks of wood on his head? I don't know either but Edward Woodward would

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

"what do you call a fly with no wings?

a walk!

did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

he sold his soul to santa!

he also became a pimp and bought a warehouse

I'm stealing them

What about the dyslexic insomniac who was also an agnostic? - Lay awake at night wondering if there was a Dog

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's brown six foot high and runs around your garden?

Your fence!

What do you call a cherry on the floor!

Off its cake!

Whiteboards are remarkable!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for condoms. Receptionist asks "Shall I put them on your bill?" He replies, "Dont be thuckin stupid I'll thuffocate!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mammy Mammy the kids at school keep calling me a Werewolf!

Shut up and comb your face !

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By *eliciousladyWoman
over a year ago

Sometimes U.K

Stop...I can't take any more

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"what do you call a fly with no wings?

a walk!

did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

he sold his soul to santa!

he also became a pimp and bought a warehouse

Love em!

I obviously have a filthy mind!

Thought it was a thread about gagging on cocks!

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By *owboy BebopMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

"Venison's deer isn't it

You know who gives kids a bad name, the Beckham's.

Two veterans walking towards each other both drawing their right leg one said to the other "land mine back in 69"

The other replies "dog shit back in the parking lot"

I phoned my boss to say I wasn't coming in because I'm sick, he said how sick are you, I said I'm in bed with my sister.

What do you call a black man in a suit? By his name. You racist

I've been finding lego all over the house all day, I don't know what to.make of it.

I was lay in bed with my girlfriend and she started stroking my cock, I said "hmmm feeling randy are we" no she said, sometimes I just miss mine

Spluttered my coffee at cock joke ! Brilliant

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for condoms. Receptionist asks "Shall I put them on your bill?" He replies, "Dont be thuckin stupid I'll thuffocate!""

HA HA not heard that one before and it did literally just make me LOL

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By *ukepastMan
over a year ago

Newport

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they Aaaarrrrrr!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Son walks in on Dad screwing Mum. Dad just laughs & shuts the door. Later on, Dad walks in on Son screwing Grandma. Son says, "Not so funny when it's YOUR Mum huh!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Lad sees his dad in the shower and points between his legs and says "dad what's that?"...the father a bit embarrassed says "erm...that's my axe"..."oh" says the son.

Few days later the lad see's his mum in the shower and points between her legs and says "Mum what's that?"..again the woman is embarrassed, tries to cover herself and replies "erm...that's where dad hit me with his axe"..."oh" replies the son again...."fucking good shot right in the cunt"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Blizzard kills 19 in USA

Ices claim responsibility "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"what do you call a fly with no wings?

a walk!

did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

he sold his soul to santa!

he also became a pimp and bought a warehouse

Love em!

I obviously have a filthy mind!

Thought it was a thread about gagging on cocks!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

two nuns taking a stroll down a country lane and a vampire jumps out on them one nun says to the other show him your cross the second nuns say hey fuck off twat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what do you a fish with no eyes ? fsh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a man with a piece of ham on his head ? Ham head.

What do you call a man with 2 pieces of ham on his head ? More ham head.

What do you call a man with 2 pieces of ham on his head and in between 2 houses ? More ham head Ali!

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By *eliciousladyWoman
over a year ago

Sometimes U.K

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking...

... and then I saw her face

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call a man with a piece of ham on his head ? Ham head.

What do you call a man with 2 pieces of ham on his head ? More ham head.

What do you call a man with 2 pieces of ham on his head and in between 2 houses ? More ham head Ali!"
thought the answer would have been a west ham supporter

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking...

... and then I saw her face"
then you were a believer

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By *eliciousladyWoman
over a year ago

Sometimes U.K

"When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking...

... and then I saw her facethen you were a believer

Now I can't stop singing it..

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

"two nuns taking a stroll down a country lane and a vampire jumps out on them one nun says to the other show him your cross the second nuns say hey fuck off twat "

Same 2 nuns are riding a tandem bicycle on a cobbled street. The first nun says to the other:"...I've never come this way before"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Teacher says to paddy what was Robin hoods girlfriend called he replies trudy Glen the teacher says no its maid marrion,he said no miss they name hame her in the song

Robin hood Robin hood riding trudy Glenn !

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By *ancscleanguyMan
over a year ago

Preston

Knock Knock

Who's there ?

Terence Trent D'arby.

Terence Trent D'arby who?

That's show business.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what's the definition of cheek ? Throwing a brick through someone's window and asking for it back

what's the definition of pain ? spending 30 minutes with a mistress in a dungeon

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A wonky.

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By *VineMan
over a year ago

The right place

Seven dwarfs were in the bath and they all felt Happy. So Happy got out and the all felt Grumpy.

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By *verysmileMan
over a year ago

Canterbury

Doctor Doctor, I cannot help singing"Delilah" and ""The green green grass of home"

Ah. That sounds like a case of Tom Jones syndrome.

Tom Jones syndrome. ...is it common?

Well......it's not unusual ...

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