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"Christ... I don't envy that situation. I'd kick his ass on the way to the GUM clinic. And all the way back for telling me. "Why do you assume it was the male who cheated..?? There was no mention of which one it was in the OP.. | |||
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"No easy answers to this one, depends on relationships between all individuals involved " +1  | |||
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"Christ... I don't envy that situation. I'd kick his ass on the way to the GUM clinic. And all the way back for telling me.
Why do you assume it was the male who cheated..?? There was no mention of which one it was in the OP.."Dawt there's many women need to pay for it so I presumed male to | |||
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"Christ... I don't envy that situation. I'd kick his ass on the way to the GUM clinic. And all the way back for telling me.
Why do you assume it was the male who cheated..?? There was no mention of which one it was in the OP.."That was very deliberate as it happens. | |||
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"Christ... I don't envy that situation. I'd kick his ass on the way to the GUM clinic. And all the way back for telling me.
Why do you assume it was the male who cheated..?? There was no mention of which one it was in the OP..
That was very deliberate as it happens."Indeed.. and that's how I split from my ex-missus.. but she had rather more than a one-off.... | |||
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"How long ago was the indescretion?" Now it was several years ago. The person kept it to themselves but it still bothers them to be keeping something so big from a parent. We discussed it recently. There's no point in doing anything about it now, but it still plays on their mind. The recent chat is what made me think to pose the question here. Incidentally, it was the wife that cheated. On holiday in Greece. A masseur at the hotel offered "extras" and she went for it. | |||
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"I'd probably tell my other parent. -Courtney " I definitely wouldn't! If my parent was blaze about it and I thought the transgression would be repeated then I might - but the 'guilt and worry' suggests that it wouldn't! Why destroy a long-term relationship for onI qqe stupid mistake? What good would it do? Would it make then happier? Op - tell him (if it's your dad) not to have sex until he gets the all clear! If he does want a more 'open relationship ' with your mum - THEN he needs to discuss it with her - but not unless in my opinion! Human beings make mistakes! Try not to let it affect your relationship with him in the long term Hun! Xx | |||
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"How long ago was the indescretion? Now it was several years ago. The person kept it to themselves but it still bothers them to be keeping something so big from a parent. We discussed it recently. There's no point in doing anything about it now, but it still plays on their mind. The recent chat is what made me think to pose the question here. Incidentally, it was the wife that cheated. On holiday in Greece. A masseur at the hotel offered "extras" and she went for it." Sonunds like she has been keeping very strong feelings of guilt under wraps ever since.. Any chance you can persuade her to find a counsellor who might be able to help her..? | |||
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"How long ago was the indescretion? Now it was several years ago. The person kept it to themselves but it still bothers them to be keeping something so big from a parent. We discussed it recently. There's no point in doing anything about it now, but it still plays on their mind. The recent chat is what made me think to pose the question here. Incidentally, it was the wife that cheated. On holiday in Greece. A masseur at the hotel offered "extras" and she went for it. Sonunds like she has been keeping very strong feelings of guilt under wraps ever since.. Any chance you can persuade her to find a counsellor who might be able to help her..? " I should have explained. The mother confessed as soon as she got back, not years later. It happened years ago now so is pretty much done and dusted. The person kept the secret but is still bothered by doing so. The mother has never mentioned it again. | |||
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"How long ago was the indescretion? Now it was several years ago. The person kept it to themselves but it still bothers them to be keeping something so big from a parent. We discussed it recently. There's no point in doing anything about it now, but it still plays on their mind. The recent chat is what made me think to pose the question here. Incidentally, it was the wife that cheated. On holiday in Greece. A masseur at the hotel offered "extras" and she went for it. Sonunds like she has been keeping very strong feelings of guilt under wraps ever since.. Any chance you can persuade her to find a counsellor who might be able to help her..? I should have explained. The mother confessed as soon as she got back, not years later. It happened years ago now so is pretty much done and dusted. The person kept the secret but is still bothered by doing so. The mother has never mentioned it again." So... the person who is NOW keeping the secret has actually had her Mother's guilt dumped on (or transferred to, to be precise) her...? Nice Mother! Same again then - this sounds like it's troubling this person. If she can't tell anyone else, she/he needs to tell someone to let it go, so a Counsellor might be the way to free them from the burden... | |||
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"I'd probably tell my other parent. -Courtney I definitely wouldn't! If my parent was blaze about it and I thought the transgression would be repeated then I might - but the 'guilt and worry' suggests that it wouldn't! Why destroy a long-term relationship for onI qqe stupid mistake? What good would it do? Would it make then happier? Op - tell him (if it's your dad) not to have sex until he gets the all clear! If he does want a more 'open relationship ' with your mum - THEN he needs to discuss it with her - but not unless in my opinion! Human beings make mistakes! Try not to let it affect your relationship with him in the long term Hun! Xx" In my circumstances, with my parents, I would tell the other one. There are a lot of unknown factors in this scenario, but as I saw it the OP posed a hypothetical question. If it were my parents I would say something. You would do differently. But you can't assume that just because a relationship is long-term that it is a good relationship for either party. -Courtney | |||
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" Why destroy a long-term relationship for onI qqe stupid mistake? What good would it do? Would it make then happier? " Well, IMO, if someone is fucking around then they're not exactly happy. So yes, it might make them happier to split up, because then they could find people and a lifestyle that does make them happy. Just because a relationship is long term, doesn't mean it should be held sacred. My parents split up after 28 years and it was the best thing they ever did for themselves. And they split up after my mother shagged a guy on holiday. | |||
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" Why destroy a long-term relationship for onI qqe stupid mistake? What good would it do? Would it make then happier? Well, IMO, if someone is fucking around then they're not exactly happy. So yes, it might make them happier to split up, because then they could find people and a lifestyle that does make them happy. Just because a relationship is long term, doesn't mean it should be held sacred. My parents split up after 28 years and it was the best thing they ever did for themselves. And they split up after my mother shagged a guy on holiday." My parents were together for over 30 years when my dad died. They should have gotten a divorce 20 years ago but didn't "because of the children." -Courtney | |||
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" Why destroy a long-term relationship for onI qqe stupid mistake? What good would it do? Would it make then happier? Well, IMO, if someone is fucking around then they're not exactly happy. So yes, it might make them happier to split up, because then they could find people and a lifestyle that does make them happy. Just because a relationship is long term, doesn't mean it should be held sacred. My parents split up after 28 years and it was the best thing they ever did for themselves. And they split up after my mother shagged a guy on holiday. My parents were together for over 30 years when my dad died. They should have gotten a divorce 20 years ago but didn't "because of the children." -Courtney " "Because of the children" was the thing that most screwed me up as a young teenager. I was really glad when they got divorced. It was deeply unpleasant growing up in a house where my parents quite obviously didn't like each other that much anymore. | |||
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"Christ... I don't envy that situation. I'd kick his ass on the way to the GUM clinic. And all the way back for telling me.
Why do you assume it was the male who cheated..?? There was no mention of which one it was in the OP.."
Because (a) it's unlikely a woman would pay for it (b) if she did, she'd put a hat on it and (c) she wouldn't put her child in that position.
Tell me I'm wrong...  | |||
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"Christ... I don't envy that situation. I'd kick his ass on the way to the GUM clinic. And all the way back for telling me.
Why do you assume it was the male who cheated..?? There was no mention of which one it was in the OP..
Because (a) it's unlikely a woman would pay for it (b) if she did, she'd put a hat on it and (c) she wouldn't put her child in that position.
Tell me I'm wrong... "Well I take that back!!  | |||
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"Christ... I don't envy that situation. I'd kick his ass on the way to the GUM clinic. And all the way back for telling me. "It could the mother
I really don't know what I would do, thats such a hard dilemma. | |||
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"Christ... I don't envy that situation. I'd kick his ass on the way to the GUM clinic. And all the way back for telling me.
Why do you assume it was the male who cheated..?? There was no mention of which one it was in the OP..
Because (a) it's unlikely a woman would pay for it (b) if she did, she'd put a hat on it and (c) she wouldn't put her child in that position.
Tell me I'm wrong... "Ahem.... I have known... 1. At least one woman who has paid for it... and she loved every minute.. apparently. (Old school friend) 2. I have met women who state 'safe sex' on their profiles and, when it gets down to it, only want it bareback... 3. I have known parents of both sexes who put their children in FAR worse predicaments than this particular Mother.... Are you wrong...? No. Jumping to conclusions, I'd say.... Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I'm backing mine up with what I have personally experienced.. | |||
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"You're wrong. I enjoyed saying that."
I'm happy to admit when I'm wrong.
I'd kick my Mum's ass harder! | |||
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"Christ... I don't envy that situation. I'd kick his ass on the way to the GUM clinic. And all the way back for telling me.
Why do you assume it was the male who cheated..?? There was no mention of which one it was in the OP..
Because (a) it's unlikely a woman would pay for it (b) if she did, she'd put a hat on it and (c) she wouldn't put her child in that position.
Tell me I'm wrong...
Ahem.... I have known...
1. At least one woman who has paid for it... and she loved every minute.. apparently. (Old school friend)
2. I have met women who state 'safe sex' on their profiles and, when it gets down to it, only want it bareback...
3. I have known parents of both sexes who put their children in FAR worse predicaments than this particular Mother....
Are you wrong...? No. Jumping to conclusions, I'd say.... Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I'm backing mine up with what I have personally experienced.."I'm lucky that my parents have only ever been with each other. It's easy to jump to conclusions when you have such a fabulous example to go on. It doesn't really matter which parent it was though... whilst I understand that it's nice they can discuss such things, I wouldn't appreciate being burdened with that sort of secret. It would split my loyalty and cause awful damage. I'm almost certain that neither of my parents would do that to me. | |||
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"So she confessed and it is the ungloved bit that the husband didnt know about? If it was years ago then I dont see the issue now as if he had caught something he would have known well before now" I will come back to this after my second cuppa as I am confused as to who confessed to who | |||
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"I'm lucky that my parents have only ever been with each other. It's easy to jump to conclusions when you have such a fabulous example to go on. It doesn't really matter which parent it was though... whilst I understand that it's nice they can discuss such things, I wouldn't appreciate being burdened with that sort of secret. It would split my loyalty and cause awful damage. I'm almost certain that neither of my parents would do that to me. " Then you are very lucky. Not all Parents stop to think of the consequences when they include their children in matters/issues which really ought to stay between the parents, family finances being possibly the most common... That, as I see it, is the real issue at the centre of the OP. | |||
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"I'd probably tell my other parent. -Courtney I definitely wouldn't! If my parent was blaze about it and I thought the transgression would be repeated then I might - but the 'guilt and worry' suggests that it wouldn't! Why destroy a long-term relationship for onI qqe stupid mistake? What good would it do? Would it make then happier? Op - tell him (if it's your dad) not to have sex until he gets the all clear! If he does want a more 'open relationship ' with your mum - THEN he needs to discuss it with her - but not unless in my opinion! Human beings make mistakes! Try not to let it affect your relationship with him in the long term Hun! Xx In my circumstances, with my parents, I would tell the other one. There are a lot of unknown factors in this scenario, but as I saw it the OP posed a hypothetical question. If it were my parents I would say something. You would do differently. But you can't assume that just because a relationship is long-term that it is a good relationship for either party. -Courtney " Yes, it's hypothetical. The situation is real but it's in past history now. I was curious how others would handle it. | |||
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"I'd probably tell my other parent. -Courtney I definitely wouldn't! If my parent was blaze about it and I thought the transgression would be repeated then I might - but the 'guilt and worry' suggests that it wouldn't! Why destroy a long-term relationship for onI qqe stupid mistake? What good would it do? Would it make then happier? Op - tell him (if it's your dad) not to have sex until he gets the all clear! If he does want a more 'open relationship ' with your mum - THEN he needs to discuss it with her - but not unless in my opinion! Human beings make mistakes! Try not to let it affect your relationship with him in the long term Hun! Xx" Such a wise head on such pretty young shoulders. | |||
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"So she confessed and it is the ungloved bit that the husband didnt know about? If it was years ago then I dont see the issue now as if he had caught something he would have known well before now" No. The wife went away on holiday without hubby. She had a massage at the hotel. The masseur offered "extras", for a fee, and on the spur of the moment, the wife accepted. They didn't use protection. On returning home, she felt guilty and told one of her adult kids about it, expecting them to keep her secret. It was years ago now so effectively over and done with. The person kept the secret, uncomfortably, and the husband still doesn't know. | |||
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"No point in raking it up now. What's done is done and it would serve no good saying anything now, all it would do is cause everyone unnecessary hurt over something which is now past history. a very different scenario if we were talking about right after it happened. " I'm wondering what you lot would do right after it happened. The actual situation is well past now and the person isn't going to say anything now. I'm not asking what they should do. I'm asking what you would do if put in the position they were, at the time it happened. It's hypothetical, not asking for advice. | |||
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"I'm lucky that my parents have only ever been with each other. It's easy to jump to conclusions when you have such a fabulous example to go on. It doesn't really matter which parent it was though... whilst I understand that it's nice they can discuss such things, I wouldn't appreciate being burdened with that sort of secret. It would split my loyalty and cause awful damage. I'm almost certain that neither of my parents would do that to me. Then you are very lucky. Not all Parents stop to think of the consequences when they include their children in matters/issues which really ought to stay between the parents, family finances being possibly the most common... That, as I see it, is the real issue at the centre of the OP." Yup... I am uber lucky. I've watched other families over the years and how they behave and it's made me appreciate my folks even more. I realise that not everyone is quite as fortunate and really it makes me sad that not everyone has the same morals and values as I've been brought up with. I hope that doesn't sound terribly conceited but I wish everyone did have some of what my folks have. By the same token though, when there's a problem that they should be sharing they tend not to. I know they're just trying to protect us but at the same time we're grown ups (mostly!) now and there are some things that they shouldn't carry the burden alone with. It's a fine line really. | |||
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"No point in raking it up now. What's done is done and it would serve no good saying anything now, all it would do is cause everyone unnecessary hurt over something which is now past history. a very different scenario if we were talking about right after it happened. I'm wondering what you lot would do right after it happened. The actual situation is well past now and the person isn't going to say anything now. I'm not asking what they should do. I'm asking what you would do if put in the position they were, at the time it happened. It's hypothetical, not asking for advice." Sorry... I didn't even answer the question!
After I'd kicked their arse... I think I'd probably have kept the secret. It would very much depend on the level of remorse and their reasons for telling me. I suspect if it was genuine upset then I'd have kept my mouth shut to save further upset. Sometimes it's better for the other person not to know. | |||
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"No point in raking it up now. What's done is done and it would serve no good saying anything now, all it would do is cause everyone unnecessary hurt over something which is now past history. a very different scenario if we were talking about right after it happened. I'm wondering what you lot would do right after it happened. The actual situation is well past now and the person isn't going to say anything now. I'm not asking what they should do. I'm asking what you would do if put in the position they were, at the time it happened. It's hypothetical, not asking for advice." I wouldn't say anything but I would be extremely upset and resentful toward the parent who told me. I doubt I'd see them in the same light again because often children are quite old before they see their parents as fallible beings. | |||
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"Christ... I don't envy that situation. I'd kick his ass on the way to the GUM clinic. And all the way back for telling me.
Why do you assume it was the male who cheated..?? There was no mention of which one it was in the OP..
Because (a) it's unlikely a woman would pay for it (b) if she did, she'd put a hat on it and (c) she wouldn't put her child in that position.
Tell me I'm wrong... "Actually, currently I'd be quite happy to pay for it if I could find someone who suited my needs. Unfortunately decent male escorts are thin on the ground up here. But that's another discussion entirely.  | |||
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"I'd also downgrade their Christmas present. "
The true test!
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"Christ... I don't envy that situation. I'd kick his ass on the way to the GUM clinic. And all the way back for telling me.
Why do you assume it was the male who cheated..?? There was no mention of which one it was in the OP..
Because (a) it's unlikely a woman would pay for it (b) if she did, she'd put a hat on it and (c) she wouldn't put her child in that position.
Tell me I'm wrong...
Actually, currently I'd be quite happy to pay for it if I could find someone who suited my needs. Unfortunately decent male escorts are thin on the ground up here. But that's another discussion entirely. "I've paid men for sex a few times now. I have always enjoyed myself. Hard to find really good ones, but once you find them they're great. :D | |||
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"So she confessed and it is the ungloved bit that the husband didnt know about? If it was years ago then I dont see the issue now as if he had caught something he would have known well before now No. The wife went away on holiday without hubby. She had a massage at the hotel. The masseur offered "extras", for a fee, and on the spur of the moment, the wife accepted. They didn't use protection. On returning home, she felt guilty and told one of her adult kids about it, expecting them to keep her secret. It was years ago now so effectively over and done with. The person kept the secret, uncomfortably, and the husband still doesn't know." In which case I wouldnt say anything as it is in the past. I know it is a guilty secret to keep and why she probably told one of her children, but I think that is the worst thing she could have done and I think I would have hated to be in the dilemma of whether to keep the secret or not. there are some things you just dont discuss with your kids and I think this is one of them | |||
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"Christ... I don't envy that situation. I'd kick his ass on the way to the GUM clinic. And all the way back for telling me.
Why do you assume it was the male who cheated..?? There was no mention of which one it was in the OP..
Because (a) it's unlikely a woman would pay for it (b) if she did, she'd put a hat on it and (c) she wouldn't put her child in that position.
Tell me I'm wrong...
Actually, currently I'd be quite happy to pay for it if I could find someone who suited my needs. Unfortunately decent male escorts are thin on the ground up here. But that's another discussion entirely.
I've paid men for sex a few times now. I have always enjoyed myself.
Hard to find really good ones, but once you find them they're great. :D"Norfolk is the back of beyond. I'll keep looking. I could do a trip to London but with the fee, accommodation, travel and all, it would work out really expensive. | |||
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"First the woman is question cheats then involves one of her adult offspring in the deception, sounds like a lovely lady. Yes we all make mistakes but all this honesty is the best policy bollox doesn't work all the time, depends on the situation. I would've told her to tell her hubby and don't transfer the guilt to me basically that's all she was doing, cunning but wouldn't work with me. The fact that the offspring kept it a secret obviously wasn't enough so at least the woman is question has morals and is still racked with guilt." The offspring is the one that feels bad, for keeping the secret. | |||
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"First the woman is question cheats then involves one of her adult offspring in the deception, sounds like a lovely lady. Yes we all make mistakes but all this honesty is the best policy bollox doesn't work all the time, depends on the situation. I would've told her to tell her hubby and don't transfer the guilt to me basically that's all she was doing, cunning but wouldn't work with me. The fact that the offspring kept it a secret obviously wasn't enough so at least the woman is question has morals and is still racked with guilt. The offspring is the one that feels bad, for keeping the secret." The offspring should not feel bad... it's a tough situation but it's done now and can't really be changed... personally I'd bury it. | |||
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"Christ... I don't envy that situation. I'd kick his ass on the way to the GUM clinic. And all the way back for telling me.
Why do you assume it was the male who cheated..?? There was no mention of which one it was in the OP..
Because (a) it's unlikely a woman would pay for it (b) if she did, she'd put a hat on it and (c) she wouldn't put her child in that position.
Tell me I'm wrong...
Well I take that back!! "Ha Ha,quality | |||
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" Why destroy a long-term relationship for onI qqe stupid mistake? What good would it do? Would it make then happier? Well, IMO, if someone is fucking around then they're not exactly happy. So yes, it might make them happier to split up, because then they could find people and a lifestyle that does make them happy. Just because a relationship is long term, doesn't mean it should be held sacred. My parents split up after 28 years and it was the best thing they ever did for themselves. And they split up after my mother shagged a guy on holiday. My parents were together for over 30 years when my dad died. They should have gotten a divorce 20 years ago but didn't "because of the children." -Courtney " That's so sad! My mum and dad were very lucky! Madly in love for 45 until dad died and mum doesn't want anyone else! Dad did have a short affair though - when I was 20! Mum forgave him. Think that may be why I'm single! I'd rather be single than settle for second best again! I want what mum and dad had - despite his transgression! Xx | |||
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"I'd blackmail for money. You're joking right?? "Of course she isn't. It's the only sensible course of action. | |||
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"I'd blackmail for money. You're joking right?? "No I'm not. I wouldn't tell the other parent and if I've been burdened with this massive secret I feel I should get something out of it. | |||
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"I'd blackmail for money. You're joking right??
No I'm not. I wouldn't tell the other parent and if I've been burdened with this massive secret I feel I should get something out of it. "Oh! I thought you were joking.  | |||
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"I'd blackmail for money. You're joking right??
No I'm not. I wouldn't tell the other parent and if I've been burdened with this massive secret I feel I should get something out of it. "
That's cold... so cold!!
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"I'd blackmail for money. You're joking right??
No I'm not. I wouldn't tell the other parent and if I've been burdened with this massive secret I feel I should get something out of it.
That's cold... so cold!!
"I know | |||
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"How terribly selfish of the parent to burden their offspring with such a confession. I think that would be my main bugbear. I wouldn't say anything but i would make it clear it was unfair of them to put me in that position. " It's the typical problem with the truth... Very often it's simply used to make the "teller" feel better. Some people can live with their guilt/conflict and deal with the problem. Mentally strong individuals do this for us all the time. Difficult dilemma though! | |||
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"I'd blackmail for money. You're joking right??
No I'm not. I wouldn't tell the other parent and if I've been burdened with this massive secret I feel I should get something out of it. "Wow!! Glad I don't know you! | |||
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"Think I'd treat it like it was anyone else and keep stumb but it's a tough 1" This! | |||
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"How terribly selfish of the parent to burden their offspring with such a confession. I think that would be my main bugbear. I wouldn't say anything but i would make it clear it was unfair of them to put me in that position. It's the typical problem with the truth... Very often it's simply used to make the "teller" feel better. Some people can live with their guilt/conflict and deal with the problem. Mentally strong individuals do this for us all the time. Difficult dilemma though!" Telling all is almost never for the benefit of the person being told, it's for the benefit of the teller. Sometimes a problem shared is a problem multiplied. Suck it up and deal with your emotions yourself without offloading them onto other people and creating an almighty mess. | |||
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"How terribly selfish of the parent to burden their offspring with such a confession. I think that would be my main bugbear. I wouldn't say anything but i would make it clear it was unfair of them to put me in that position. It's the typical problem with the truth... Very often it's simply used to make the "teller" feel better. Some people can live with their guilt/conflict and deal with the problem. Mentally strong individuals do this for us all the time. Difficult dilemma though! Telling all is almost never for the benefit of the person being told, it's for the benefit of the teller. Sometimes a problem shared is a problem multiplied. Suck it up and deal with your emotions yourself without offloading them onto other people and creating an almighty mess. " grrrr i was about to post similar!! I agree entirely. | |||
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"I'd blackmail for money. You're joking right??
No I'm not. I wouldn't tell the other parent and if I've been burdened with this massive secret I feel I should get something out of it.
Wow!! Glad I don't know you! "Thanks | |||
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"How terribly selfish of the parent to burden their offspring with such a confession. I think that would be my main bugbear. I wouldn't say anything but i would make it clear it was unfair of them to put me in that position. It's the typical problem with the truth... Very often it's simply used to make the "teller" feel better. Some people can live with their guilt/conflict and deal with the problem. Mentally strong individuals do this for us all the time. Difficult dilemma though! Telling all is almost never for the benefit of the person being told, it's for the benefit of the teller. Sometimes a problem shared is a problem multiplied. Suck it up and deal with your emotions yourself without offloading them onto other people and creating an almighty mess. " I disagree with you. If my mother had cheated on my father I know him well enough to know that he would rather be told. It would be doing a disservice to him for me to keep it from him. If I were to keep it a secret it would benefit my mother, the secret holder, not my father. Things like this are very situation and person dependant. But to say that telling a secret it almost never of the benefit of the person told is to oversimplify matters. -Courtney | |||
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"How terribly selfish of the parent to burden their offspring with such a confession. I think that would be my main bugbear. I wouldn't say anything but i would make it clear it was unfair of them to put me in that position. It's the typical problem with the truth... Very often it's simply used to make the "teller" feel better. Some people can live with their guilt/conflict and deal with the problem. Mentally strong individuals do this for us all the time. Difficult dilemma though! Telling all is almost never for the benefit of the person being told, it's for the benefit of the teller. Sometimes a problem shared is a problem multiplied. Suck it up and deal with your emotions yourself without offloading them onto other people and creating an almighty mess. I disagree with you. If my mother had cheated on my father I know him well enough to know that he would rather be told. It would be doing a disservice to him for me to keep it from him. If I were to keep it a secret it would benefit my mother, the secret holder, not my father. Things like this are very situation and person dependant. But to say that telling a secret it almost never of the benefit of the person told is to oversimplify matters. -Courtney " But it isn't your secret to tell. It isn't your guilt. | |||
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"I would ask them to tell the other person. But most of my friends/family would expect that from me anyway, because I don't lie. To anyone." You said you loved me though  | |||
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"How terribly selfish of the parent to burden their offspring with such a confession. I think that would be my main bugbear. I wouldn't say anything but i would make it clear it was unfair of them to put me in that position. It's the typical problem with the truth... Very often it's simply used to make the "teller" feel better. Some people can live with their guilt/conflict and deal with the problem. Mentally strong individuals do this for us all the time. Difficult dilemma though! Telling all is almost never for the benefit of the person being told, it's for the benefit of the teller. Sometimes a problem shared is a problem multiplied. Suck it up and deal with your emotions yourself without offloading them onto other people and creating an almighty mess. I disagree with you. If my mother had cheated on my father I know him well enough to know that he would rather be told. It would be doing a disservice to him for me to keep it from him. If I were to keep it a secret it would benefit my mother, the secret holder, not my father. Things like this are very situation and person dependant. But to say that telling a secret it almost never of the benefit of the person told is to oversimplify matters. -Courtney But it isn't your secret to tell. It isn't your guilt." Right. But I didn't talk about guilt. I'm talking about the right of my father to know. I know him. He would rather I tell him. He was that kind of person. Not everyone is like that, granted, but that's why it is situation and person dependent. | |||
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"How terribly selfish of the parent to burden their offspring with such a confession. I think that would be my main bugbear. I wouldn't say anything but i would make it clear it was unfair of them to put me in that position. It's the typical problem with the truth... Very often it's simply used to make the "teller" feel better. Some people can live with their guilt/conflict and deal with the problem. Mentally strong individuals do this for us all the time. Difficult dilemma though! Telling all is almost never for the benefit of the person being told, it's for the benefit of the teller. Sometimes a problem shared is a problem multiplied. Suck it up and deal with your emotions yourself without offloading them onto other people and creating an almighty mess. I disagree with you. If my mother had cheated on my father I know him well enough to know that he would rather be told. It would be doing a disservice to him for me to keep it from him. If I were to keep it a secret it would benefit my mother, the secret holder, not my father. Things like this are very situation and person dependant. But to say that telling a secret it almost never of the benefit of the person told is to oversimplify matters. -Courtney " A simplification yes - but I really think in the overwhelming majority of cases it's correct. In my opinion. Also the point I was making is not that you shouldn't tell your father (although I don't think you should) but that your mother shouldn't have told you in the first place. | |||
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"How terribly selfish of the parent to burden their offspring with such a confession. I think that would be my main bugbear. I wouldn't say anything but i would make it clear it was unfair of them to put me in that position. It's the typical problem with the truth... Very often it's simply used to make the "teller" feel better. Some people can live with their guilt/conflict and deal with the problem. Mentally strong individuals do this for us all the time. Difficult dilemma though! Telling all is almost never for the benefit of the person being told, it's for the benefit of the teller. Sometimes a problem shared is a problem multiplied. Suck it up and deal with your emotions yourself without offloading them onto other people and creating an almighty mess. I disagree with you. If my mother had cheated on my father I know him well enough to know that he would rather be told. It would be doing a disservice to him for me to keep it from him. If I were to keep it a secret it would benefit my mother, the secret holder, not my father. Things like this are very situation and person dependant. But to say that telling a secret it almost never of the benefit of the person told is to oversimplify matters. -Courtney A simplification yes - but I really think in the overwhelming majority of cases it's correct. In my opinion. Also the point I was making is not that you shouldn't tell your father (although I don't think you should) but that your mother shouldn't have told you in the first place. " I agree about the mother not telling. I still disagree about the rest. It protects the wrongdoer almost categorically. Again, I'm not saying we should tell in all cases. | |||
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"How terribly selfish of the parent to burden their offspring with such a confession. I think that would be my main bugbear. I wouldn't say anything but i would make it clear it was unfair of them to put me in that position. It's the typical problem with the truth... Very often it's simply used to make the "teller" feel better. Some people can live with their guilt/conflict and deal with the problem. Mentally strong individuals do this for us all the time. Difficult dilemma though! Telling all is almost never for the benefit of the person being told, it's for the benefit of the teller. Sometimes a problem shared is a problem multiplied. Suck it up and deal with your emotions yourself without offloading them onto other people and creating an almighty mess. I disagree with you. If my mother had cheated on my father I know him well enough to know that he would rather be told. It would be doing a disservice to him for me to keep it from him. If I were to keep it a secret it would benefit my mother, the secret holder, not my father. Things like this are very situation and person dependant. But to say that telling a secret it almost never of the benefit of the person told is to oversimplify matters. -Courtney A simplification yes - but I really think in the overwhelming majority of cases it's correct. In my opinion. Also the point I was making is not that you shouldn't tell your father (although I don't think you should) but that your mother shouldn't have told you in the first place. I agree about the mother not telling. I still disagree about the rest. It protects the wrongdoer almost categorically. Again, I'm not saying we should tell in all cases. " See I fundamentally disagree - in this instance the father is not going to experience any hurt unless the daughter or the mother tell him. He is protected from having to deal with it, and the fallout that entails, by not having knowledge of the act forced upon him. | |||
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"I'd probably tell my other parent. -Courtney I definitely wouldn't! If my parent was blaze about it and I thought the transgression would be repeated then I might - but the 'guilt and worry' suggests that it wouldn't! Why destroy a long-term relationship for onI qqe stupid mistake? What good would it do? Would it make then happier? Op - tell him (if it's your dad) not to have sex until he gets the all clear! If he does want a more 'open relationship ' with your mum - THEN he needs to discuss it with her - but not unless in my opinion! Human beings make mistakes! Try not to let it affect your relationship with him in the long term Hun! Xx" good advice | |||
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" See I fundamentally disagree - in this instance the father is not going to experience any hurt unless the daughter or the mother tell him. He is protected from having to deal with it, and the fallout that entails, by not having knowledge of the act forced upon him. " I think our disagreement comes from what we consider to be the hurt. I agree that the father would no know of it unless told, but hurt can be more than conscious knowledge. It's like people talking about you and making fun of you behind your back. The act is hurtful empirically, even if you don't know that it is happening. Some people would rather be told and some wouldn't. That is what would make my decision for me. I don't get to decide what that person gets to know. That's is what I mean by person-specific. -Courtney | |||
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"I wonder if peoples own relationship status influences their answer more than their relationship with their parents? Intriguing." It's quite obvious what you're alluding to; but for me it's more the way I know I respond to things myself. As in, if something has happened that I have no knowledge of, it doesn't affect me. If someone takes it upon themselves to presume to involve me in it by telling me, as a way of assuaging their own guilt or for some misplaced "honesty at all costs" approach, I would be fucking furious with them for that. But people I know and care about already know that about me. | |||
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"I wonder if peoples own relationship status influences their answer more than their relationship with their parents? Intriguing. It's quite obvious what you're alluding to; but for me it's more the way I know I respond to things myself. As in, if something has happened that I have no knowledge of, it doesn't affect me. If someone takes it upon themselves to presume to involve me in it by telling me, as a way of assuaging their own guilt or for some misplaced "honesty at all costs" approach, I would be fucking furious with them for that. But people I know and care about already know that about me. " But that's my point Ruby. If I knew you personally and something like his happened, I wouldn't tell you because you are clearly the type of person who would rather not know. Not everyone is like that. And it isn't always about honesty at any cost. I would rather be told. So would my father. I know others who wouldn't. I think that person's opinions have to be taken into account when deciding what course to take. | |||
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" It's quite obvious what you're alluding to; but for me it's more the way I know I respond to things myself. As in, if something has happened that I have no knowledge of, it doesn't affect me. If someone takes it upon themselves to presume to involve me in it by telling me, as a way of assuaging their own guilt or for some misplaced "honesty at all costs" approach, I would be fucking furious with them for that. But people I know and care about already know that about me. " I was more trying to be tactful than hide it (yeah, I'm rubbish). | |||
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"I wonder if peoples own relationship status influences their answer more than their relationship with their parents? Intriguing." Mine's more from a selfish _iewpoint. I hate conflict and like a drama free quiet life. I can't be doing with being forced in the middle of other people's problems even if they are my parents. | |||
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"I wonder if peoples own relationship status influences their answer more than their relationship with their parents? Intriguing. It's quite obvious what you're alluding to; but for me it's more the way I know I respond to things myself. As in, if something has happened that I have no knowledge of, it doesn't affect me. If someone takes it upon themselves to presume to involve me in it by telling me, as a way of assuaging their own guilt or for some misplaced "honesty at all costs" approach, I would be fucking furious with them for that. But people I know and care about already know that about me. But that's my point Ruby. If I knew you personally and something like his happened, I wouldn't tell you because you are clearly the type of person who would rather not know. Not everyone is like that. And it isn't always about honesty at any cost. I would rather be told. So would my father. I know others who wouldn't. I think that person's opinions have to be taken into account when deciding what course to take. " And I don't disagree with you - but I think it's naive to assume that people are acting purely in what they think are the best interests of the other person. I think that's incredibly rare. You see it all the time on here "I couldn't live with myself if I didn't tell them, what kind of friend would I be if..., etc." That's not about the allegedly wronged third party, that's about them. I struggle to believe there are many people who are telling entirely for the benefit of the other person, as opposed to themselves. Of course there are some, but they are some. And it's still getting away from my original point too, which is that the mother is the one who shouldn't have told. If you're not strong enough to deal with your own emotional response to an action then don't fucking do it. | |||
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" Why destroy a long-term relationship for onI qqe stupid mistake? What good would it do? Would it make then happier? Well, IMO, if someone is fucking around then they're not exactly happy. So yes, it might make them happier to split up, because then they could find people and a lifestyle that does make them happy. Just because a relationship is long term, doesn't mean it should be held sacred. My parents split up after 28 years and it was the best thing they ever did for themselves. And they split up after my mother shagged a guy on holiday. My parents were together for over 30 years when my dad died. They should have gotten a divorce 20 years ago but didn't "because of the children." -Courtney "Because of the children" was the thing that most screwed me up as a young teenager. I was really glad when they got divorced. It was deeply unpleasant growing up in a house where my parents quite obviously didn't like each other that much anymore." Snap. I would never advocate staying together for the kids to anyone | |||
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"I wonder if peoples own relationship status influences their answer more than their relationship with their parents? Intriguing. It's quite obvious what you're alluding to; but for me it's more the way I know I respond to things myself. As in, if something has happened that I have no knowledge of, it doesn't affect me. If someone takes it upon themselves to presume to involve me in it by telling me, as a way of assuaging their own guilt or for some misplaced "honesty at all costs" approach, I would be fucking furious with them for that. But people I know and care about already know that about me. But that's my point Ruby. If I knew you personally and something like his happened, I wouldn't tell you because you are clearly the type of person who would rather not know. Not everyone is like that. And it isn't always about honesty at any cost. I would rather be told. So would my father. I know others who wouldn't. I think that person's opinions have to be taken into account when deciding what course to take. And I don't disagree with you - but I think it's naive to assume that people are acting purely in what they think are the best interests of the other person. I think that's incredibly rare. You see it all the time on here "I couldn't live with myself if I didn't tell them, what kind of friend would I be if..., etc." That's not about the allegedly wronged third party, that's about them. I struggle to believe there are many people who are telling entirely for the benefit of the other person, as opposed to themselves. Of course there are some, but they are some. And it's still getting away from my original point too, which is that the mother is the one who shouldn't have told. If you're not strong enough to deal with your own emotional response to an action then don't fucking do it. " I agree. With both points. | |||
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"I'm amazed at those on threads like this who say tell. They seem to have no understanding of the damage they will let lose. " If people do not want 'damage' to be let loose, then they shouldn't do things that their partner wouldn't be happy with them doing. | |||
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" It's quite obvious what you're alluding to; but for me it's more the way I know I respond to things myself. As in, if something has happened that I have no knowledge of, it doesn't affect me. If someone takes it upon themselves to presume to involve me in it by telling me, as a way of assuaging their own guilt or for some misplaced "honesty at all costs" approach, I would be fucking furious with them for that. But people I know and care about already know that about me. I was more trying to be tactful than hide it (yeah, I'm rubbish)." Aye. Subtle. I don't see that my opinion has to be tainted by my own actions/situation. I would have given the same response to the question 10 years ago too. | |||
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"I'm amazed at those on threads like this who say tell. They seem to have no understanding of the damage they will let lose. They remind me of this story I was asked at an inter_iew what my greatest weakness was. I said I always tell the truth. The inter_iewer replied I don't see that as a weakness to which I replied. I don't give a flying fuck what you think. " | |||
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"I'm amazed at those on threads like this who say tell. They seem to have no understanding of the damage they will let lose. If people do not want 'damage' to be let loose, then they shouldn't do things that their partner wouldn't be happy with them doing." | |||
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"Aye. Subtle. I don't see that my opinion has to be tainted by my own actions/situation. I would have given the same response to the question 10 years ago too. " Not to you no, but maybe to others (until you pointed it out that is  ). Sorry anyway. | |||
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"How long ago was the indescretion? Now it was several years ago. The person kept it to themselves but it still bothers them to be keeping something so big from a parent. We discussed it recently. There's no point in doing anything about it now, but it still plays on their mind. The recent chat is what made me think to pose the question here. Incidentally, it was the wife that cheated. On holiday in Greece. A masseur at the hotel offered "extras" and she went for it." If it is still bothering your friend, they should have a private chat with their mother and explain how it made them feel to have to keep this secret for all these years. There should not be any suggestion or threat of any secrets being told to anyone. The conversation should be about the offspring's feelings only, not their parents relationship. This may help them feel better and gives more chance of repairing their relationship with their mother than simply trying to ignore it. | |||
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