FabSwingers.com forum: Am I doing the right thing

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My kids went to their dads this weekend for 2 nights. Got a call yesterday saying he was bringing one of the boys home as he was naughty.

Now he only sees them one weekend a month and surely he should be able to deal with a naughty 8 year old.

So my son arrive home so upset saying that his daddy doesn't want him.

He also tells me that his stepmum slapped him round the face making him hit his head on the bunk bed. He has told me before that she scares him.

I waited until my ex brought back the other 2 this evening and told him what my son has said and also that the kids will not be staying with him anymore when his wife is present.

I am more than happy if he comes to get them and takes them out for the day but that she is not to be there. She often goes to Ireland for the weekend and that they can stay with him when she is away. My son is saying he never want to stay there again at the moment.

I don't want the kids to miss out on seeing their dad but dont feel I can risk them staying with him while his wife is there?

Am I doing the right thing or can anyone suggest another solution?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Seek legal advice. Act on behalf of your son. IF IF she has hit him then your son needs to know that she will pay for it.

NO your husband should not bring them home for being naughty. That gives out the message that they have to earn his love. That's unconditional. He should punish them but with an acceptable punishment NOT banishment.

DONT let your children any where near a violent adult.

Is there an order in place which lays down rights ?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It may help your cause, if peeps knew your ex`s response to your decision, not to allow the kids to visit and the allegations of hitting etc ...

Best o luck....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

we both have parental responsibility but I have residency. He did have visitation every other weekend and 2 evenings a week but he gradually cut that down first dropping one evening then another and recently dropping to one weekend a month.

I have kept a diary over the last 3 years of every conversation every incident and lack of phone calls to the children.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You really ought to seek guidance for this.

it isn't good and the kids are not at an age where they will easy forget any of this.

this woman has physically abused your son and your ex ought to be putting his children ahead of his wife...he had the kids when they met and they are part of the package and more important than her.

it's possible she is causing strife and he's doing this for an easy life....which is so the wrong thing to do!

would talk to a mediator about controlled access where he spends time with the kids in a neutral environment so your boy works up trust in him again.

if he lets them down again, then he only has himself to blame if you stop him seeing them

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It may help your cause, if peeps knew your ex`s response to your decision, not to allow the kids to visit and the allegations of hitting etc ...

Best o luck...."

He didn't really say much to be honest. He just stood there shaking his head and saying she wouldn't have hit him.

I did say that this was only until we could find some sort of resolution to the situation but that I couldn't take the risk until we got to the bottom of it.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Seek legal advice. I'm the opposite of you I'm the step mom and we had his daughter this week. I'd never raise a hand to her it's not my place but I've told her off in the past but never over the top I leave her dad to do that x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It may help your cause, if peeps knew your ex`s response to your decision, not to allow the kids to visit and the allegations of hitting etc ...

Best o luck....

He didn't really say much to be honest. He just stood there shaking his head and saying she wouldn't have hit him.

I did say that this was only until we could find some sort of resolution to the situation but that I couldn't take the risk until we got to the bottom of it."

Your response sounds healthy to me ...your kids safety comes first ....

My suggestion, would be for you to seek a trained family mediator ....Citizens Advice would furnish you with contacts .....

And seek a way forward, so your kids might be able to have some safe contact with their father ....

They`ll thank you for trying in later life, even if it doesn`t work ....

Again the very best o luck....be cool x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ruitWoman
over a year ago

near kings lynn

I have come across similar to this myself.

I would speak with him or email him which i found better as could calmly compose the email and hopefully he could calmly compose an answer and hopefully wont get heated.

Your totally right that your ex should not bring him home early if badly behaved.

Only reason to bring him early is in an ermergency.

I would speak with your son and try get as full story as possible and then pass this onto you ex. Your child should not be frightened around this woman and if that is the case and he is then if your ex cares about your child then he Will ensure that when she isnt there your child can go for a weekend.

I did speak with solicitors about my ex and the responsibility he has to them and that continuity is important. No good if the rules all change when the child visits the dads. No child should be frightened.

I would also try and make sure he feels happy chatting with you about this.

Make sure your child knows you Will act on his concerns and not ignore them. Reassurance for him.

Keep any texts or emails you have from him. Have a verbal agreement formed and then if he breaks it then you withold visitation until a fresh agreement is in place. It is only there to protect your child so is a very important thing.

Mind you if he is like my ex it still seems to be his rules his house wether it helps or not.

Good luck x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Seeking advice is my next step. I have not intention of making it difficult for them to see their dad they love him and he loves them I know he would never physically hurt them. Have never used the kids against him ever. Infact I often nag at him cos he doesn't call them enough.

I just think he has blinkers on when it comes to his new wife.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think maybe some mediation, perhaps him, you and her sitting down somewhere neutral like a contact/mediation centre so you can discuss any issues, from both parties and also raise with her any fears you have either justified or unfounded. Then take it from there. This will have the effect of putting her on notice, and if she has struck your child, it will let her know exactly what you will do should there be a next time. If it is raised and she has hit your child then go to the police and do everything in your power!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

My ex and I previously discussed the discipline of the children and he was well aware that if I suspected at anytime that she raised a hand to any of the children I would put a stop to the children staying when she is present, to which he agreed at the time. I think that is why he did not say too much.

I was very proud of myself actually my blood was boiling but I kept very calm and talked in a reasonable tone. I felt like beating ten bells out of him for letting it happen.

I am under no illusions that kids can make up stories but he has never come home with anything like this before.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Seeking advice is my next step. I have not intention of making it difficult for them to see their dad they love him and he loves them I know he would never physically hurt them. Have never used the kids against him ever. Infact I often nag at him cos he doesn't call them enough.

I just think he has blinkers on when it comes to his new wife."

You never come across as bitter or a gameplayer. just someone struggling to find a way forward as I read it ...

Its about boundaries isn`t it , but as in alot of cases like this entangled with emotions and loyalties, pressures etc..

Someone trained would help steer a path through the situation .....it may get worse before it gets better ...who knows with people...stay cool...you sound like a great mum btw....xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I just think he has blinkers on when it comes to his new wife.

You never come across as bitter or a gameplayer. just someone struggling to find a way forward as I read it ...

Its about boundaries isn`t it , but as in alot of cases like this entangled with emotions and loyalties, pressures etc..

Someone trained would help steer a path through the situation .....it may get worse before it gets better ...who knows with people...stay cool...you sound like a great mum btw....xxx"

Thanks sometimes it's so hard to know what to do for the best. My heart is telling me to go and rip her arms and legs off and feed them the to foxes. Luckily my head is screwed on and knows that behaviour would not work.

I guess I just hope that I am doing the best for them. They need their dad and was so gutted for him yesterday when he asked my why his daddy didn't want him. I just didn't know what to say. Just gave him lots of hugs and cuddles and told him I'd always be there.

This is one of the reasons I'm single. They will always come first and I dont want the kids being torn at home as well as their dads

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is one of the reasons I'm single. They will always come first and I dont want the kids being torn at home as well as their dads

I can empathise with your feelings, and how powerful they are....and like situations I`ve known ,its like a pick n mix isn`t it .....anger, fear, confusion and the rest....

I`m lucky to have someone close to me. who helps me pick em apart .....and keep reminding me not to act on them .....and bring some clarity ...I`m lucky!

I can only imagine the distress, trying to confront and answer your boys pain..that must of been so tough....

You sound like you`ve done a wonderful job so far....seeking a balance and taking a step back......give yourself a hug xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

You sound like you`ve done a wonderful job so far....seeking a balance and taking a step back......give yourself a hug xxx"

Think I might just treat myself to a large whiskey instead. I save it for special treats. lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You sound like you`ve done a wonderful job so far....seeking a balance and taking a step back......give yourself a hug xxx

Think I might just treat myself to a large whiskey instead. I save it for special treats. lol"

haha why not with a giggle ...its the best medicine

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She should NEVER raise her hand to your boy and your ex should have had a word.

As for sending the kids home...kids are not always angels. He should love them no matter what. If the child feels daddy doesn't love him like mummmy then why are you bending over backwards to make sure they have a relationship? That's the Dad's responisibility.

Have a very serious word with your ex and if you don't see a change, seek legal advice.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people putting partners over their kids.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Seek legal advice and try to keep calm and try not to argue in front of the kids as young as they are they pick up on the atmosphere did she leave a mark if so get a photo for evidence. And your doing the right thing keeping a diary. And if the kids feel unwanted or in the way by their dad they will pick up on that too and wont want to go you have to do whats right for them and good luck.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Would like to add, to the op, when it comes to the welfare of your children, you can never be over-cautious.

you have to trust them until you can prove otherwise...ask yourself if it's like your child to say things like that without substance.

if you don't trust them and they are telling you the truth, you will have a child that feels like it doesn't have the support of either parent

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Would like to add, to the op, when it comes to the welfare of your children, you can never be over-cautious.

you have to trust them until you can prove otherwise...ask yourself if it's like your child to say things like that without substance.

if you don't trust them and they are telling you the truth, you will have a child that feels like it doesn't have the support of either parent"

He knows he can tell me anything and I will fight his corner. I believe him as he is not a child that can lie very well.

I've had a call from my ex since posting this. He has had a word with his wife who has admitted pushing my son but not slapping him. Either way she should not have put her hands on him like that.

And I have just been informed that his wife is Bi Polar a fact they have never told me before!!!!

Have agreed that he will just visit the kids and take them out until she goes back to therapy and I get some feedback that she is fit. Have told him I am contacting a solicitor and want this in writing.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What does having manic depression mean,it does not mean shes mad. If shes on the right meds and seeing a CPN etc then theres no need to bring here mental health issues in to it.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ruitWoman
over a year ago

near kings lynn

I Cant say i know anything about it but do think when your children are in the house with her present then you do need to know about any medical condition that could cause problems and effect her when your child is there. If it is manic depression as someone else mentioned then that can easily cause unpredictable actilns umleas medication is right.

I had depression caused from my ex leaving us in very difficult circumstances and knew some of the things i did were very strange until my medication was balanced.

Please you are going to a solicitor to get some agreed boundaries set

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is a very tricky one this, kids are very good at playing us parents against each other when we’re together so I’d imagine being apart would make it much worse. I’m in no way saying you’re child is lying, but what I have noticed is that this post started with a child being naughty and finished with an adult bearing the full blame.

If the child had stayed the full weekend and told you on return that your ex’s partner had hit him then that would make more sense, but the fact they brought you’re child home after it supposedly happened seems strange in itself, because if she did lose it as suggested you would think she would feel remorse and try to get him to forget it all happened rather than ship him home knowing full well he’ll tell you.

What have your other two children said? They could be an important factor in all of this, especially since he only brought one of the children home and not all three.

As for are you doing the right thing, of course you are, accusations of abuse should never be taken lightly, but try to keep an open mind, even though its made more difficult when it involves one of your own.

Hope it all works out for the best.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ruitWoman
over a year ago

near kings lynn

Dog, I dont think the post started with a child being naughty and then endeing up with an adult bearint the full blame.

The Op was mum saying one of the children was brought home after being naughty which is wrong top do that as dad should cope with the children wether being naughty or not. Then once she has got her child back he has said about being slapped and hitting hius head on the bed.

I dont think that every parent deals with a person slapping a child the same. As the dad has sent the child home it gioves a clear message to mum that he has been naughty and that is whay he has been sent home. Some people would also try to cover up the incident and do the lets keep a secret bit. Everyone deals with an incidewnt in a different way.

I am sure that the mum (OP) has already spoken with the other children to try to get a feeling what is happeneing.

It is so important that all the children that they have together 3 I believ it said that they all feel comfy and still wanted. Unfortunately through experience when dad gets a new partner then interest in the children can go a bit. Other dads I am sure would chop off their right arm for their children wether they are with the mum or not.

Unfortunately everyone can act differently.

I would see the main issue is about the slap from the wife and that the child doesnt want to see his dad and feels unwanted. This is a major feeling to a child and hard to understand but as the mum you naturally have to deal with it and take action to discuss what the problem is and find a way forward. Then it very much depends on if the dad sticks to any agreement.

Expect a long road ahead with this hunny ok as my situation has been going on for 5 years in relation to my 2 kids and their dad.

Good luck xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All kids play up they would'nt be normal if they did'nt you know your kids best and Like you say you know there tricks and how they behave and like you say you know when hes lying lol. Sending him home definately gives out the wrong message. If they play up at home whoopsie we have to deal with it and it does'nt get any easier as they get older I would trade a toddler with a teenager any day lol but you love them all the same no matter how they behave.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ruitWoman
over a year ago

near kings lynn

I also have an agreement with the ex(verbal for what it is worth) that if the children are ill here before they go to their dads,what would stop them from going basically.

I have said if they have sickness or dihorea(never can spell it it) then they are unfit to travel. Coughs and colds are part and package with young kids. If they have something that they medicine for say a chest infection then medicine goes with them and I always stress that calpol may need to be given too.

The only reason I am mentioning this is if your ex is going to bring the child(ren) back early if they are naughty then will he see it as a get out claus if one of the children has a cold or something like an infection and has medicine for.

I see him bringing your child back as an excuse as he is the dad wether the child is naoughty or not. Just be prepaired for other possibilities of getting out of doing his reponsible fatherly bit.

Ps. I hope your doing ok as it is very stressful when the relationship between child and dad is strained and it seems to fall to the mum to deal with it,find the solution, discuss the solution and sort it. Just hope your keeping yourself well too xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread