FabSwingers.com forum: Not sure what to do?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A friend passed away today

he was just 40.

I met him on a dating site about 4 years ago we went on a few dates but it was clear it was going to be more of a friendship.

We stayed in contact over the book of face and spoke via there most weeks.

He said last year he had cancer. He was treated chemo and radiotherapy after surgery and the prognosis was ok for him.

Everyone seems to be in shock as it wasn't expected or it was and he didn't tell any of his friends. His parents both passed away in recent years so he only had a sister.

People are now mentioning his funeral the type of send off etc I'm stuck knowing weather it's appropriate for me to go or not? We had 4 dates and I often had a laugh with his friends over passing comments on fb. Well I'm kinda asking is it intrusive if I was to go? I really don't know what to do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ask the family if friends are invited? Or it may be that there's a posting informing people of arrangements?

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By *aucy tiggerWoman
over a year ago

Back where I belong

I think it's your decision, I can't see how anyone could object to you paying your respects. Funerals are generally open to anyone who wishes to attend, unlike weddings where invitations are sent out.

I'd check on if flowers are wanted or if it's family flowers only and then donations to a specific charity for everyone else,.

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By *izzy.Woman
over a year ago

Stoke area

It is entirely your decision. But your post starts a friend past away. If he was someone you thought of as a friend then I think it would be appropriate to go. For relatives, having lots of people at the funeral shows them how many people were part of the deceased persons life. How well liked they were.

Check with family or the Funeral Directors if you are not sure.

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By *izzyRascalWoman
over a year ago

North Hants

I would say go. In this modern day friendships come in all styles. I have friends all over the world from my travels. May have only known them a few days in person then stayed in touch online but if they were to pass away I would be really sad and do what I could to show my respects. I think families and friends appreciate seeing how loved a person was.

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By *izzyRascalWoman
over a year ago

North Hants

And I must add I'm sorry for your loss

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Funerals are public.

Go, if you think you will regret not going.

Alternatively, wait til.its over on the day and look at the floral tributes privately.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

How did you find out he had passed away, if someone from his vanila world contacted you then they obviously knew about you.

But if you want to go!I'd go, younclass him as a friend and noone is going to know where you've met him or who you are apart from another person paying their respects.

Sorry for your loss

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Go if you are able. Show his remaining family that he had friends and pay your own respects. But whatever you decide don't beat yourself up.

Hope it all goes well.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd say go. Sorry to hear the sad news xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"How did you find out he had passed away, if someone from his vanila world contacted you then they obviously knew about you.

But if you want to go!I'd go, younclass him as a friend and noone is going to know where you've met him or who you are apart from another person paying their respects.

Sorry for your loss

His sister put a picture up on fb with a goodbye msg to him so all of his friends found out the same way on there.

What's just made it worse tonight for me I was playing on tinder and up he popped. Those silly things huh.

Really gutted as he was such a nice fella

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Unless his family express there wishes otherwise I would say go if that's what you want to do, I wouldn't see it as intrusive.

Sorry for your loss x

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By *j48Man
over a year ago

Wigan

Aww - sorry to hear of your loss

I'd go to the funeral if I were you. Nobody there will be approaching you and asking daft questions like who are you? How do you know him?

I feel you'll regret not going if you don't

Good luck with whatever you decide is right for you

Paul xx

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

It is very said to lose a friend and one thing to help is to pay your respects at the funeral.

As others have said, you should go and the number of people who turn up goes a long way to making the family feel a tiny bit better.

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By *uessWhosBackAgainMan
over a year ago

London

"How did you find out he had passed away, if someone from his vanila world contacted you then they obviously knew about you.

But if you want to go!I'd go, younclass him as a friend and noone is going to know where you've met him or who you are apart from another person paying their respects.

Sorry for your loss

His sister put a picture up on fb with a goodbye msg to him so all of his friends found out the same way on there.

What's just made it worse tonight for me I was playing on tinder and up he popped. Those silly things huh.

Really gutted as he was such a nice fella"

Why don't you just send the sister a message and ask about funeral arrangements explain you was a friend and wish to pay your respects and if it's family only or close friends of the family she will let you know and if you don't get a reply then take the hint.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ya see...not many Irish people would understand this, you obviously knew him fairly well and my sentiment would be that any support to his loved ones is appreciated, you don't have to go into any detail about your friendship, simply show support by not only going to the funeral but to his sister and family and say your very sorry for their loss, then repeat that sentiment at the funeral....when you loose someone close the more people that express their support for you the better...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I've spoken to his sister today, sent a little msg asking would it be ok as I'm not family yet want to pay my respects.

She was lovely, and I'm going, she knew who I was as asked him when I made a comment on a post of his on fb a while ago which she though was funny.

It seems it was only his family knew and not until quite recently, he didn't want friends to treat him differently knowing he was going to die soon so didn't tell us.

Thanks all for the advice glad I listened

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By *j48Man
over a year ago

Wigan

Aww - I liked reading that xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So glad you're going. I think it's seen as a nice thing if there are lots of people at a funeral, kind of shows how well loved that person was. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A friend passed away today

he was just 40.

I met him on a dating site about 4 years ago we went on a few dates but it was clear it was going to be more of a friendship.

We stayed in contact over the book of face and spoke via there most weeks.

He said last year he had cancer. He was treated chemo and radiotherapy after surgery and the prognosis was ok for him.

Everyone seems to be in shock as it wasn't expected or it was and he didn't tell any of his friends. His parents both passed away in recent years so he only had a sister.

I may well have a different view of funerals to others so forgive me for a different perspective.

I believe that they are there to help those left behind and not for a sense of duty or respect.

If it will help you or make you feel better, then do please attend.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"So glad you're going. I think it's seen as a nice thing if there are lots of people at a funeral, kind of shows how well loved that person was. X"

Thanks X

His sister has assured me I won't look out of place and his mate has contacted me to meet him there to sit with etc as his sister obviously told him.

I'm not going to get flowers I was told to pay my respect in a way which he would appreciate so when flowers are placed at the crem I'm putting a can of beer down!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well done you...its not easy...but nothing that's worthwhile ever is!!

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

"So glad you're going. I think it's seen as a nice thing if there are lots of people at a funeral, kind of shows how well loved that person was. X

Thanks X

His sister has assured me I won't look out of place and his mate has contacted me to meet him there to sit with etc as his sister obviously told him.

I'm not going to get flowers I was told to pay my respect in a way which he would appreciate so when flowers are placed at the crem I'm putting a can of beer down!

That's nice to hear as always a shock when someone is so young, been through it myself recently but not in the same circumstances x

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

That's great news in very sad circumstances

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By *ohnaronMan
over a year ago

london

"How did you find out he had passed away, if someone from his vanila world contacted you then they obviously knew about you.

But if you want to go!I'd go, younclass him as a friend and noone is going to know where you've met him or who you are apart from another person paying their respects.

Sorry for your loss

His sister put a picture up on fb with a goodbye msg to him so all of his friends found out the same way on there.

What's just made it worse tonight for me I was playing on tinder and up he popped. Those silly things huh.

Really gutted as he was such a nice fella

Sorry for your loss. This is also what I would do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you were friends and funerals arent by invitation - i think anybody can attend anybodies - you go and say good bye if you want to i suspect you wont offend anybody xxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You may need some closure so,go.The funeral will probably be too busy for anyone to notice you. Hover in the background.

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By *inzi LTV/TS
over a year ago

The Garden of Eden in Beautiful North Wales

He's still a friend and always will be. If you would like to pay you last respects, I'm sure he would like that.

It will be your last meeting with him, you must go for both of you.

You can stand away from the crowd, that doesn't matter but you must say 'Goodbye ' one last time to your friend.

P.S. I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 06/01/16 23:38:47]

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By *oyce69Man
over a year ago

Driffield

I had the same sad news this evening and I will be going to pay my respects to a lovely lady.

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