FabSwingers.com forum: 'Split up' parent advice

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I need a bit of advice really as this whole dating thing is still new to me and need some 'netural' advice if possible?

Basically I'm very lucky I get to see my kids every day since myself and their father split up (at the moment I am living back with them but due to move out in the new year) and in a new relationship (been split over a year now) and I don't see the new boyfriend very often, just every other weekend, as he lives a bit of a distance away

Basically I want to go Friday night and come back the Sunday, I would drop my kids off at youth club at 7.30pm then go then, which means we have dinner all together etc before I go.

Am I being unreasonable to want/ask for four nights away per month to be with the new man in my life given how much time I do spend with them (Monday to Thursday evenings with the youngest and Monday and Wednesday evenings with the two eldest and every other weekend if they aren't busy), when I move out I will still spend my evenings with them, just not sleep at their house.

Thanks in advance for you comments xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't think it's unreasonable. You might be a parent but you're still allowed to enjoy a personal life.

Has anyone implied that it's unreasonable?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Would you children be old enough to give you their thoughts on it?

I suspect it is they who are the most important and who should be listened to.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Would you children be old enough to give you their thoughts on it?

I suspect it is they who are the most important and who should be listened to."

And this

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just because you're a parent doesn't mean your not entitled to your own.personal time. You do what YOU feel is right. Xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't think it's unreasonable. You might be a parent but you're still allowed to enjoy a personal life.

Has anyone implied that it's unreasonable?"

Basically I have come home after a lovely weekend (I went from Saturday to Monday) and granted my communication is rubbish but as I said this is still new to me and still 'learning' about calling at certain times etc, I know I should have to learn being a parent but that kind of thins doesn't come naturally)

My ex husband seems to think our middle son isn't coping well and I need 'to grow up' etc but it isn't like I up and leave I do prepare them first.

I have said I will call at certain times and what time I shall be leaving and what time I will be back but this still doesn't seem good enough for him

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds reasonable enough. Would your ex have the opportunity to do the same on alternate weekends?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For a couple who have broken up its an awful lot of time for you all to be together. So yes, you need to take time out, and so does your ex partner. You both have to find yourselves as individuals.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Sounds reasonable enough. Would your ex have the opportunity to do the same on alternate weekends?"

He can go and do whatever he wants those weekends, I would never stop him if he wanted to go off but his issue is he can't leave me with the kids because I don't cope well with them (when they were little hence why he was the stay at home dad but not now they are older!)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How old are your children?

You say their dad can go off and do whatever he wants at weekends,so who would be spending time with the children at weekends?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 21/12/15 21:06:40]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"How old are your children?

You say their dad can go off and do whatever he wants at weekends,so who would be spending time with the children at weekends? "

They are 15, 13 and 10. The weekends I am there he can go off, not the weekends I am away obviously lol xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I just re read your post,you'll have every other weekend away. Seems reasonable to me,they have you for two weekends a month. As they get older they may want to spend less time with you anyway.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It sounds like you need to work a little harder on your communication!

Its not unreasonable to want time for yourself as long as its not detrimental to your relationship with your children x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How old are your children?

You say their dad can go off and do whatever he wants at weekends,so who would be spending time with the children at weekends?

They are 15, 13 and 10. The weekends I am there he can go off, not the weekends I am away obviously lol xx

I mis read your op lol sorry. At those ages I hardly saw my children at weekends,they stayed out a lot,but I wasn't split up from my husband,with a new partner. Some children handle breakups well,some don't but you have to move on x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ancs MinxWoman
over a year ago

Burnley

Is he saying that you are not to be trusted with them without him being around?...I am a little unsure as to why your spending so much time with an ex and still living together.........or why he feels you cannot cope......if I have read the post correctly....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't think it's unreasonable. You might be a parent but you're still allowed to enjoy a personal life.

Has anyone implied that it's unreasonable?

My ex husband seems to think our middle son isn't coping well and I need 'to grow up' etc but it isn't like I up and leave I do prepare them first.

I have said I will call at certain times and what time I shall be leaving and what time I will be back but this still doesn't seem good enough for him "

It sounds perfectly reasonable. Most separated couples don't spend any time together and the children see them separately, which gives both parents alone time to pursue whatever they wish to pursue.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't think it's unreasonable. You might be a parent but you're still allowed to enjoy a personal life.

Has anyone implied that it's unreasonable?

My ex husband seems to think our middle son isn't coping well and I need 'to grow up' etc but it isn't like I up and leave I do prepare them first.

I have said I will call at certain times and what time I shall be leaving and what time I will be back but this still doesn't seem good enough for him "

Talk to your son?

It may be your ex is using this as a form of control?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I just re read your post,you'll have every other weekend away. Seems reasonable to me,they have you for two weekends a month. As they get older they may want to spend less time with you anyway."

That's the thing, the two eldest goes out with their friends, one stays the weekend sometimes with his friend now so it's only the youngest that is around and to be honest it's quite nice he has that time with his dad doing 'dad' things that they can't do when I'm here, like films I hate etc!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ancs MinxWoman
over a year ago

Burnley

"I don't think it's unreasonable. You might be a parent but you're still allowed to enjoy a personal life.

Has anyone implied that it's unreasonable?

My ex husband seems to think our middle son isn't coping well and I need 'to grow up' etc but it isn't like I up and leave I do prepare them first.

I have said I will call at certain times and what time I shall be leaving and what time I will be back but this still doesn't seem good enough for him

Talk to your son?

It may be your ex is using this as a form of control?"

I wouldnt say that, as it appears she is the one who moved back in with them........

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't think it's unreasonable. You might be a parent but you're still allowed to enjoy a personal life.

Has anyone implied that it's unreasonable?

My ex husband seems to think our middle son isn't coping well and I need 'to grow up' etc but it isn't like I up and leave I do prepare them first.

I have said I will call at certain times and what time I shall be leaving and what time I will be back but this still doesn't seem good enough for him

Talk to your son?

It may be your ex is using this as a form of control?"

I was thinking this, he has says a few things this evening that seems to be quite negative towards me and what 'people have been saying' I do get the feeling I'm quite controlled even now

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't think it's unreasonable. You might be a parent but you're still allowed to enjoy a personal life.

Has anyone implied that it's unreasonable?

My ex husband seems to think our middle son isn't coping well and I need 'to grow up' etc but it isn't like I up and leave I do prepare them first.

I have said I will call at certain times and what time I shall be leaving and what time I will be back but this still doesn't seem good enough for him

Talk to your son?

It may be your ex is using this as a form of control?

I wouldnt say that, as it appears she is the one who moved back in with them........"

I had to move back due to financial reasons (Christmas etc)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I know it is likely to be circumstance that dictates it, but the whole set up seems unconventional and, dare I say, confusing to the kids.

They musn't know if they are coming or going.

Personally, I'd have put them first from the start and held off on the new boyfriend until you were setlled, they were settled and your family unit was on an even keel.

I am not saying you're a bad Mum, I am not saying you shouldn't have some 'me' time.

I don't know the ins and outs and all I have to go off is your OP so forgive me if you think I am being unfairly critical.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I just re read your post,you'll have every other weekend away. Seems reasonable to me,they have you for two weekends a month. As they get older they may want to spend less time with you anyway.

They have to eventually come to terms with you having a new man in your life. Their dad will have a new woman too they will have to get on with. It's hard for children when parents split up,you can only talk to them and help them through it

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I know it is likely to be circumstance that dictates it, but the whole set up seems unconventional and, dare I say, confusing to the kids.

They musn't know if they are coming or going.

Personally, I'd have put them first from the start and held off on the new boyfriend until you were setlled, they were settled and your family unit was on an even keel.

I am not saying you're a bad Mum, I am not saying you shouldn't have some 'me' time.

I don't know the ins and outs and all I have to go off is your OP so forgive me if you think I am being unfairly critical."

Thank you for your input, unfortunately there are different reasons for me living back with them (money being the biggest) and the kids are very aware of the situation and don't seem confused at all as we have never been conventional at all!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I just re read your post,you'll have every other weekend away. Seems reasonable to me,they have you for two weekends a month. As they get older they may want to spend less time with you anyway.

Thank you xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't think it's unreasonable. You might be a parent but you're still allowed to enjoy a personal life.

Has anyone implied that it's unreasonable?

My ex husband seems to think our middle son isn't coping well and I need 'to grow up' etc but it isn't like I up and leave I do prepare them first.

I have said I will call at certain times and what time I shall be leaving and what time I will be back but this still doesn't seem good enough for him "

If your forgettimg to call when you said you will, which is total taruma to a child. Set the alarm on your phone for a few minutes before the due time. The yiu wont forget.

Also yes you are entitled to free time and a life.

Good luck and have fun.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *issHottieBottieWoman
over a year ago

Kent

Once you are in your own place and things have settled down it will be easier I think. I expect its a bit strange for the kids to have mum and dad under the same roof but not together and then mum is off visiting her new fella and dad is still there etc.

It's only a couple of weeks till new year then you need to sit and discuss having your kids alternate weekends and what set days during the week or whatever. Then your free time is yours to do as you wish and it's none of his business unless it's affecting the kids. I would also sit with the children individually and have a chat with them about it xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icked weaselCouple
over a year ago

Near Edinburgh..

You Do What you Think is Best for you and your kids..

Only You Know What is Best..

Don't Use the Internet to Find Excuses

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ary_ArgyllMan
over a year ago

Argyll

Kids usually survive breakups pretty well unless one parent starts using them as a weapon against the other - you really need to avoid that so try and negotiate your issues with your ex partner first, assuming he will respond rationally - then tell the kids jointly that you both love them but this is how it is.

You also are entitled to some 'you' time - everyone is. Sometimes it is a hard lesson for teenagers to learn because they see themselves as the centre of the universe - check out some of the articles on the teenage brain if you need convincing.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't think it's unreasonable. You might be a parent but you're still allowed to enjoy a personal life.

Has anyone implied that it's unreasonable?

My ex husband seems to think our middle son isn't coping well and I need 'to grow up' etc but it isn't like I up and leave I do prepare them first.

I have said I will call at certain times and what time I shall be leaving and what time I will be back but this still doesn't seem good enough for him

If your forgettimg to call when you said you will, which is total taruma to a child. Set the alarm on your phone for a few minutes before the due time. The yiu wont forget.

Also yes you are entitled to free time and a life.

Good luck and have fun."

I said I will set an alarm to call them and get a clock for the bfs room

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ancs MinxWoman
over a year ago

Burnley

"I don't think it's unreasonable. You might be a parent but you're still allowed to enjoy a personal life.

Has anyone implied that it's unreasonable?

My ex husband seems to think our middle son isn't coping well and I need 'to grow up' etc but it isn't like I up and leave I do prepare them first.

I have said I will call at certain times and what time I shall be leaving and what time I will be back but this still doesn't seem good enough for him

Talk to your son?

It may be your ex is using this as a form of control?

I wouldnt say that, as it appears she is the one who moved back in with them........

I had to move back due to financial reasons (Christmas etc)"

No wonder the kids maybe confused, people cannot keep coming and going back and forth......stability is what is needed and from what I have read and the statement that you were not coping well with them........I would have settled and sorted my children out first before even thinking about dating a bloke......you children should come first and having a settled home life should be your main priority.........maybe a chat to them and ask what they want would be a first step.........from reading it appears he is your crutch!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

Can't the new boyfriend come to you, stay somewhere close and you see the kids at times throughout the weekend

Is he on here? Can he read this and be part of your decision making?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hiya Geeky, I think everyone deserves to have time to themselves. I too am a single mum. I only have one to deal with though. I agree with what everyone else is saying. Communication is Def key. The kids are all old enough to understand what is going on. As long as you explain to them you need mum time every now and then they'll be fine. The only thing is you don't know what your ex is telling them when you're not there!!! All you can do is keep giving them plenty of reassurance. I'm glad you've found someone new. We all deserve happiness. I'm still waiting for mine!!! Then again I'm only ever child free every other weekend, so not much chance of meeting anyone. Goodbye to you hun. Xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It doesn't sound like an unreasonable thing but from what you have said i think maybe you need to get settled into a proper routine with the kids before contemplating a new relationship. Yes you do need a life etc but more importantly your kids need stability and 2 parents that are able to communicate and do what's best for them.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My kids spend every other weekend with their dad, so no I don't think its unreasonable to expect to be able to have time to myself. However, I live an hour away from there so I do have that distance and my kids accept and understand what is going on.

My advice, talk to your kids, see what their feelings are about you going away for weekends and go from there, it may well be reassurance your son wants, that you are going to be back, that you love him etc. But it is not selfish to have a life if your own

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can't say but all the advice sounds good. I have no experience of this. What I would say is there's an issue if he doesn't think he too can have time away.

Why does he believe he can't leave them with you? Not expecting you to answer that just something that may be at the root of the issue for your ex. What your asking isn't unreasonable. But for whatever reason it sounds as is he is resenting you having freedom because he can't have his? I don't know how true that is but just how it's coming across from what I've read xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

I've not read any replies. We alternate having the boys on Friday & Saturday nights so we can both arrange our social/fab meets round this. He is also due (after 4 years) to start having them 1 whole weekend per month. So he'll have them 5 nights per month. And he has them every Weds from after school until 7.30/8pm.

We are both flexible with our arrangements but I have said no swapping nights for fab meets under any circumstances as the boys come 1st.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You're not just a mum, You're your own person too. However as everyone has said communication is key. But may be best until you get a place of your own or get your fella to come and visit in a hotel near you so you get best of both worlds.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ancs MinxWoman
over a year ago

Burnley

"You're not just a mum, You're your own person too. However as everyone has said communication is key. But may be best until you get a place of your own or get your fella to come and visit in a hotel near you so you get best of both worlds. "

Totally agree......the op needs to be able to stand on her own two feet and then be able to provide a roof over their heads where they feel safe and comfy......and show the ex hubby that she can do this and more so prove to the children that they are the top of the list.....then the bf can stay at yours at the weekends when they are with their father............its then a win win situation for all concerned...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I don't think it's unreasonable. You might be a parent but you're still allowed to enjoy a personal life.

Has anyone implied that it's unreasonable?

My ex husband seems to think our middle son isn't coping well and I need 'to grow up' etc but it isn't like I up and leave I do prepare them first.

I have said I will call at certain times and what time I shall be leaving and what time I will be back but this still doesn't seem good enough for him "

Do you tell your kids that you will call them at a certain time but then not call them?

What do you mean you don't up and leave, you 'prepare them first'?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I don't think it's unreasonable. You might be a parent but you're still allowed to enjoy a personal life.

Has anyone implied that it's unreasonable?

My ex husband seems to think our middle son isn't coping well and I need 'to grow up' etc but it isn't like I up and leave I do prepare them first.

I have said I will call at certain times and what time I shall be leaving and what time I will be back but this still doesn't seem good enough for him

Do you tell your kids that you will call them at a certain time but then not call them?

What do you mean you don't up and leave, you 'prepare them first'?"

I don't tell them when I call, so I haven't let them down really but I don't think to call like most parents, so I do feel guilty for that.

I prepare them by saying what time I am going to leave and stuff, not just stand there with a bag and go; I would never do that.

We've had a huge row tonight (away from the kids obviously) and the aired seems to have cleared. I am going to sit down with the kids tomorrow and ask them how they are feeling and everything else and include them in what is happening; I don't always think about 'important' stuff.

Thank you for all your advice it had been a great help, jeez I'm gonna miss you all so much!! Xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Good news about the cleared air.

Hope you all manage to sort something out. Talking to the kids will help. x

Maybe you can stick around for the forums..?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sounds reasonable enough. Would your ex have the opportunity to do the same on alternate weekends?

What do you mean by dont cope well with them?

I get everyone saying you're entitled to your free time which is true.

But it sounds very much like every other weekend you go away and leave the kids behind with dad.

But the dad cant go away or have his free time as the children cant be left alone with you?

I can see how that might start to cause friction over time as from his perspective he's doing all the work while youre swaning off every other weekend.

Can you not take the kids with you when you go so he has his time too?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Sounds reasonable enough. Would your ex have the opportunity to do the same on alternate weekends?

What do you mean by dont cope well with them?

I get everyone saying you're entitled to your free time which is true.

But it sounds very much like every other weekend you go away and leave the kids behind with dad.

But the dad cant go away or have his free time as the children cant be left alone with you?

I can see how that might start to cause friction over time as from his perspective he's doing all the work while youre swaning off every other weekend.

Can you not take the kids with you when you go so he has his time too?"

When the kids were younger, I admit openly that I didn't really have that 'mothering instinct' it's only now they are older it has kicked in, sine my kids were born ive always been the worker of the family, so naturally they grew closer to their dad, which when we split up it seemed like the natural thing for the kids to stay with him but I see them more now than I ever seemed to when I lived there (I moved out for 9 months but due to finances etc I had to move back in over the Christmas period)

I've only 'swanned' off twice, taking the kids with me isn't an option as the bf lives in a room and they haven't met him yet.

I'm hoping in the new year that I will go to him one weekend and he will come to me once I've moved the other weekend xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread