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Chilli eating contest...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio

City Park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili…

Judge # 1—A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2—Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3—(Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili…

Judge # 1—Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2—Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3—Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what

I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili…

Judge # 1—Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2—A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3—Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer..

Chili # 4 Dave’s Black Magic…

Judge # 1—Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2—Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3—I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,

was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting

to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover…

Judge # 1—Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2—Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3—My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and

I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her

chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by

pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my

lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety…

Judge # 1—Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2—The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3—My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will

eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except

that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili…

Judge # 1—A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2—Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried

about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3—You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.

At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided

to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway.

If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili..

Judge # 1—The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2—This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have

reacted to really hot chili?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i sitting here crying and laughing so much my hubby had to come upstairs to see if i was ok.that was the best i ever read. where do u get them keep it up thanks for the laugh.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

no worries, its normally easier to read than that though lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

totally ace, i have been to texas, and yes, i laughed so hard i had a tena moment

totally ace xxxx

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