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How much to tell a new partner

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I am single but who knows luck may shine on me in the future. What I wanted to know is how much do you tell a new/prospective partner about your ex's, personally I would tell them everything as I'm not one for lying but wouldn't want to paint to bad a picture of them especially if we have children together and they may come into contact with them at some point or another.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd tell them what I wanted them to know, lots of things from my past will stay there and there are many things I don't talk about even with a new partner

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I'd tell them what I wanted them to know, lots of things from my past will stay there and there are many things I don't talk about even with a new partner "

And what if your new partner found out something you hadn't already disclosed? Would that not be seen as being dishonest?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've never really understood the whole ex-bashing thing.

Then again, I've never been in a bad relationship, just ones that have ended with a sigh and a hug as opposed to Battle Royale.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'd tell them what I wanted them to know, lots of things from my past will stay there and there are many things I don't talk about even with a new partner

And what if your new partner found out something you hadn't already disclosed? Would that not be seen as being dishonest?"

If they hadn't asked the question, it would not be dishonest

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think it's up to the person to make a judgement call based on the new relationship and what happened within the previous relationship that may have an impact on the new relationship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'd tell them what I wanted them to know, lots of things from my past will stay there and there are many things I don't talk about even with a new partner

And what if your new partner found out something you hadn't already disclosed? Would that not be seen as being dishonest?"

Things from my past are mine

To be honest if I decided to not disclose certain things and they found out from somebody else I feel that invades my privacy and I wouldn't be impressed at them snooping about

Anything I keep to myself there would be a very good reason for that and I feel it should be respected

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I think it's up to the person to make a judgement call based on the new relationship and what happened within the previous relationship that may have an impact on the new relationship."

Awwww think that's a good answer, trouble with me is I'm probably to honest for my own good lol

It would be nice to have a clean slate and leave everything in the past but I don't think its going to be that easy lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't really get ex-bashing either, especially where children are involved. Because either their personality changed overnight when you had kids (which can't be *that* widespread) or it demonstrates you had exceptionally poor judgement when it comes to who you impregnated/allowed to get you pregnant.

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By *RH and HRNCouple
over a year ago

Carmarthen

Friend of mine did the honest thing the other day and the lady in question, did not like the fact that he still sees me as a friend . . In fact she cancelled the first date . .

In my opinion, she clearly wasn't ready for the answer . . They shouldn't ask, if they aren't sure they can handle the question . . He's better off without her . .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My OH and I have talked about previous sexual relations, iv not felt the need to tell him I once used to meet on a swinging site.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I'd tell them what I wanted them to know, lots of things from my past will stay there and there are many things I don't talk about even with a new partner

And what if your new partner found out something you hadn't already disclosed? Would that not be seen as being dishonest?

Things from my past are mine

To be honest if I decided to not disclose certain things and they found out from somebody else I feel that invades my privacy and I wouldn't be impressed at them snooping about

Anything I keep to myself there would be a very good reason for that and I feel it should be respected "

That's a very fair answer trouble is women are very good at investigating a mans previous relationships as I have found out in the past.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I've never really understood the whole ex-bashing thing.

Then again, I've never been in a bad relationship, just ones that have ended with a sigh and a hug as opposed to Battle Royale."

Same here. I don't and won't slag off ex's. In most cases it is unjustified and it's a trait I dislike in others

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

I think dignity at all costs, mud throwing where there are children involved is shocking parenting, shocking.

I appreciate it can't be easy, but you both decided that you were ready for children and all the entails....

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

[Removed by poster at 06/12/15 09:59:33]

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

nd I would say the same if the OP was female

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'd tell them what I wanted them to know, lots of things from my past will stay there and there are many things I don't talk about even with a new partner

And what if your new partner found out something you hadn't already disclosed? Would that not be seen as being dishonest?

Things from my past are mine

To be honest if I decided to not disclose certain things and they found out from somebody else I feel that invades my privacy and I wouldn't be impressed at them snooping about

Anything I keep to myself there would be a very good reason for that and I feel it should be respected

That's a very fair answer trouble is women are very good at investigating a mans previous relationships as I have found out in the past."

Then you really don't need to be in a relationship with someone like that, i would say

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'd tell them what I wanted them to know, lots of things from my past will stay there and there are many things I don't talk about even with a new partner

And what if your new partner found out something you hadn't already disclosed? Would that not be seen as being dishonest?

Things from my past are mine

To be honest if I decided to not disclose certain things and they found out from somebody else I feel that invades my privacy and I wouldn't be impressed at them snooping about

Anything I keep to myself there would be a very good reason for that and I feel it should be respected "

This for me too.

I tell them nothing.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Friend of mine did the honest thing the other day and the lady in question, did not like the fact that he still sees me as a friend . . In fact she cancelled the first date . .

In my opinion, she clearly wasn't ready for the answer . . They shouldn't ask, if they aren't sure they can handle the question . . He's better off without her . . "

My ex and I have a very good friendship in fact we are Xmas shopping together on Monday, not sure how many new partners would accept that?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thank you for all your advice this is really helpful so far

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'd tell them what I wanted them to know, lots of things from my past will stay there and there are many things I don't talk about even with a new partner

And what if your new partner found out something you hadn't already disclosed? Would that not be seen as being dishonest?

Things from my past are mine

To be honest if I decided to not disclose certain things and they found out from somebody else I feel that invades my privacy and I wouldn't be impressed at them snooping about

Anything I keep to myself there would be a very good reason for that and I feel it should be respected

That's a very fair answer trouble is women are very good at investigating a mans previous relationships as I have found out in the past."

I can honestly say I'm not like that

I really really don't care or want to know about peoples past relationships, maybe that's why I wousldnt get why somebody would want to know about mine

Whats happened in the past has gone why bring it up

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I'd tell them what I wanted them to know, lots of things from my past will stay there and there are many things I don't talk about even with a new partner

And what if your new partner found out something you hadn't already disclosed? Would that not be seen as being dishonest?

Things from my past are mine

To be honest if I decided to not disclose certain things and they found out from somebody else I feel that invades my privacy and I wouldn't be impressed at them snooping about

Anything I keep to myself there would be a very good reason for that and I feel it should be respected

That's a very fair answer trouble is women are very good at investigating a mans previous relationships as I have found out in the past.

I can honestly say I'm not like that

I really really don't care or want to know about peoples past relationships, maybe that's why I wousldnt get why somebody would want to know about mine

Whats happened in the past has gone why bring it up "

I used to think like you but then got clobbered for it because according to my last partner not disclosing information is apparently lying if you can work that one out? Used to confuse the hell out of me as well.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've told the complete truth, the fact I'm still very good friends with my ex and all the problems etc but only because my new boyfriend is so bloody understanding and lovely, I don't think I could have been quite so open with everyone. I've also never bashed by ex, there is no reason too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

be upfront and honest its the only way to be we all have flaws pasts etc

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP, your past is nothing to do with anyone else. You are not obliged or duty bound to give a current partner any information about past relationships at all, and anyone who demands that you do has incredibly unhealthy notions of personal boundaries. Also, if anyone judged me for anything from my past I would have no choice but to end the relationship, as they clearly wouldn't be right for me.

And snooping is also a dumpable offence in my eyes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"OP, your past is nothing to do with anyone else. You are not obliged or duty bound to give a current partner any information about past relationships at all, and anyone who demands that you do has incredibly unhealthy notions of personal boundaries. Also, if anyone judged me for anything from my past I would have no choice but to end the relationship, as they clearly wouldn't be right for me.

And snooping is also a dumpable offence in my eyes."

I agree with this

What happened between me and my ex husband is our buisness and I don't feel anybody has the rights to snoop into my marriage not even a new partner

Being somebody's partner does not give you full rights over the person your with, a lot forget that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"be upfront and honest its the only way to be we all have flaws pasts etc "

I agree with this, but I wouldn't take kindly to demands from a current partner about details of past relationships. I'm a very open person but I share because I choose to, not because I'm coerced into it.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

I think a layering approach is better or works well for me. We don't meet a new friend or lover and expect 100% knowledge transfer of their lives, personality etc in the first minutes.

Progressively reveal more and increase intimacy in stages. Some things may be essential up front but most things are good to be left to organically be shared, typically each of you doing the same.

Too much, too soon can overwhelm others and leave the revealing person feeling too vulnerable. A bit like choosing a wedding dress before a first meeting, it's wise to see how things develop imo. A new partner may not earn your fuller trust, so restrained revelation can retain your self-confidence in your ability to judge others, perhaps after you've moved on to the next relationship.

And dating is generally better kept light, early on and you can enjoy yourselves as well as getting to know each other.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What has been lies in the past

Is love forever can it last

Yesterday can never return

Look to tomorrow life's sojourn

The most precious gift of life is time

Move from the shadows in the sun to shine

At your peril this gift you loose

If looking back you choose

Today is here so grasp it with glee

Tomorrows dawn we have yet to see

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An ex is just that an ex and part of your past. Not really any business of someone your starting to date and if anyone was snooping they obviously don't trust you. If there's no trust there's no point in going forward.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

I don't think I understand the question?

Why on earth would you start talking about exs with a potential partner or a new partner?

It is the number one put off for me someone talking about an ex when you first meet them.

As your relationship develops obviously you start talking about stuff of stuff comes up in conversation, but surely finding out about some ones past is an on going thing, you don't sit and tell someone your live story when you first meet. Is that being dishonest?

However, I do know many that sit and tell you their life story when you first meet let's say these have never become partners.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't answer any questions about my past with a new partner. If we became serious he would see my ex husband for himself

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't think I understand the question?

Why on earth would you start talking about exs with a potential partner or a new partner?

It is the number one put off for me someone talking about an ex when you first meet them.

As your relationship develops obviously you start talking about stuff of stuff comes up in conversation, but surely finding out about some ones past is an on going thing, you don't sit and tell someone your live story when you first meet. Is that being dishonest?

However, I do know many that sit and tell you their life story when you first meet let's say these have never become partners.

"

No some cases I agree with you but I think it all depends on stuff going on behind the scenes that could hinder a new relationship, for me it did work out and I'm glad I was so open and honest from the very start

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Has anyone ever told a new partner, every friendship they have ever had? No, me neither

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I keep my past in the past,if I thought a man was trying to find out about my past sex life he wouldn't be around long. I don't want a man who worries how many men I've slept with or one who gets off talking about my previous partners.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I am single but who knows luck may shine on me in the future. What I wanted to know is how much do you tell a new/prospective partner about your ex's, personally I would tell them everything as I'm not one for lying but wouldn't want to paint to bad a picture of them especially if we have children together and they may come into contact with them at some point or another."

I'm not sure what an ex has to do with a new partner? The ex had a relationship with you, not your new partner. I'd tell them to mind their own business

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By *i_guy4uMan
over a year ago

Newbridge


"lots of things from my past will stay there and there are many things I don't talk about even with a new partner "

Ooooooo......That makes me want to read your memoirs when they are published when you're rich and famous

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

There's not much jay doesn't know about me, but that's after 10 years, I can't even remember that much about all my exs.

He knows a lot of what happened in a couple but that was bits of information given over a period of time.

But its funny this was brought up as it is my number one turn off

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was completely honest from the start when I met Paul, I think it's important to not have secrets

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

I don't think there's a point where we sat down and told each other every detail of our past it all just came out in general conversation.I think if somebody withheld an entire section of their past I would wonder why though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 06/12/15 11:10:48]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't think there's a point where we sat down and told each other every detail of our past it all just came out in general conversation.I think if somebody withheld an entire section of their past I would wonder why though."

Maybe because it brings back bad memories for them

Maybe because they want the past to lay and don't want to rake it up again

There are many reasons people don't want to talk about their past and its not always for cynical reasons

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"I don't think there's a point where we sat down and told each other every detail of our past it all just came out in general conversation.I think if somebody withheld an entire section of their past I would wonder why though."
I agree with you there I would wonder why as well but I can't get my head around what they need to know about your exs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't think there's a point where we sat down and told each other every detail of our past it all just came out in general conversation.I think if somebody withheld an entire section of their past I would wonder why though.

Maybe because it brings back bad memories for them

Maybe because they want the past to lay and don't want to rake it up again

There are many reasons people don't want to talk about their last and its not always for cynical reasons "

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship in those circumstances either, because I'd think it a signifier that they had unresolved issues which might come out at a later date. If someone can't even have one conversation, however uncomfortable, about their past then I'd see that as demonstrating their lack of commitment to the new relationship with me. Not obviously right at the beginning though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If a new partner did find out about my marriage,through someone else,and wanted to talk about it,I would say it's over,I dealt with it,I moved on. I have had men say I am like I am because someone hurt me in the past. That could be true but it wouldn't affect a loving relationship I had now. It's made me sceptical and a bit wary; maybe even reluctant to have another relationship but it wouldn't affect a new relationship.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thank you for all your replies I suppose if it came out in conversation then yes you might natter about it, I will bear this in mind if and when a new partner comes along. I just don't want anyone to accuse me of hiding things from them as I have been before (see above) but then if you are with someone you are comfortable with and it is mutual then conversation flows and there's nothing to worry about.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"Thank you for all your replies I suppose if it came out in conversation then yes you might natter about it, I will bear this in mind if and when a new partner comes along. I just don't want anyone to accuse me of hiding things from them as I have been before (see above) but then if you are with someone you are comfortable with and it is mutual then conversation flows and there's nothing to worry about.

"
surely if someone is accusing you of things it shows there not for you?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Thank you for all your replies I suppose if it came out in conversation then yes you might natter about it, I will bear this in mind if and when a new partner comes along. I just don't want anyone to accuse me of hiding things from them as I have been before (see above) but then if you are with someone you are comfortable with and it is mutual then conversation flows and there's nothing to worry about.

surely if someone is accusing you of things it shows there not for you?"

Very true hun, maybe I didn't see the wood for the trees quick enough but I am more confident and savvy now, only reason I ask all these questions is the fact I am looking to start dating in the new year x

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire


"Thank you for all your replies I suppose if it came out in conversation then yes you might natter about it, I will bear this in mind if and when a new partner comes along. I just don't want anyone to accuse me of hiding things from them as I have been before (see above) but then if you are with someone you are comfortable with and it is mutual then conversation flows and there's nothing to worry about.

surely if someone is accusing you of things it shows there not for you?

Very true hun, maybe I didn't see the wood for the trees quick enough but I am more confident and savvy now, only reason I ask all these questions is the fact I am looking to start dating in the new year x"
my advice would be to go with the flow and enjoy it without getting to deep go quick. Dating should be fun

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Thank you for all your replies I suppose if it came out in conversation then yes you might natter about it, I will bear this in mind if and when a new partner comes along. I just don't want anyone to accuse me of hiding things from them as I have been before (see above) but then if you are with someone you are comfortable with and it is mutual then conversation flows and there's nothing to worry about.

surely if someone is accusing you of things it shows there not for you?

Very true hun, maybe I didn't see the wood for the trees quick enough but I am more confident and savvy now, only reason I ask all these questions is the fact I am looking to start dating in the new year xmy advice would be to go with the flow and enjoy it without getting to deep go quick. Dating should be fun

"

Ta xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We all have a past. I call that baggage. Depends where you leave it.

I so not dwell in it. It gets left there.

If I ever found a new partner I would simply be honest.

This is a nsa site not a dating site. Its a quick turn over for mutual sex. Nothing more.

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By *bsinthe_boyMan
over a year ago

Luton

I never understood bashing exes. Indeed one of my is by best friend, and I remain on good terms with all of them.

However I do live an unusually open lifestyle.

I would say balance what your new partner actually wishes to know with what your ex would wish you to say about them.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I never understood bashing exes. Indeed one of my is by best friend, and I remain on good terms with all of them.

However I do live an unusually open lifestyle.

I would say balance what your new partner actually wishes to know with what your ex would wish you to say about them. "

Yes I would agree with that as my ex and I are very good friends but I would hate for that to get in the way being with someone else.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"We all have a past. I call that baggage. Depends where you leave it.

I so not dwell in it. It gets left there.

If I ever found a new partner I would simply be honest.

This is a nsa site not a dating site. Its a quick turn over for mutual sex. Nothing more. "

Correct it isn't a dating site and if you read the thread you would see why I am asking.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"...

This is a nsa site not a dating site. Its a quick turn over for mutual sex. Nothing more. "

People use the site in many different ways. Some use it for nsa sex, some for dating, some for swinging, some for fantasies etc etc etc....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"We all have a past. I call that baggage. Depends where you leave it.

I so not dwell in it. It gets left there.

If I ever found a new partner I would simply be honest.

This is a nsa site not a dating site. Its a quick turn over for mutual sex. Nothing more. "

That's your opinion!

I think swinging has also a massive social aspect, where good friendships are forged and as seen relationships also.

Not everyone on here see's it as a quick turn over for sex.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London


"I am single but who knows luck may shine on me in the future. What I wanted to know is how much do you tell a new/prospective partner about your ex's, personally I would tell them everything as I'm not one for lying but wouldn't want to paint to bad a picture of them especially if we have children together and they may come into contact with them at some point or another."

Why would you paint a bad picture of your ex? My ex husband had two kids from a previous relationship. Not once did he bad mouth her, which I thought showed him in a good light. She and I respected each other.

When she was dying my daughters and their partners visited her in the hospice and attended her funeral. My stepson's still visit even though I divorced their dad.

As to what to tell new partners, whatever you feel comfortable with. I don't feel the need to share all my exploits with Ben or he with me.

We met on here so realise our pasts are colourful to say the least!

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