FabSwingers.com forum: Long term friendships breaking up...

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

So I have a bit of a problem with my long term best friend... we've been friends for fourteen years now & she's the mum of my nine month old god daughter, but things are getting strained between us.

She's more conservative than me and in all honesty I think she's a bit jealous that I have more freedom where sex & relationships are concerned - like, when I first joined Fab in May she stopped talking to me for five weeks as she didn't agree what I was doing, and I've kept the fact that I'm seeing someone a secret from her, as she doesn't agree with me seeing him and she gets pious whenever I even mention him.

Added to that, the latest issue is the fact that she told me to stop being depressed a few nights ago, which hurt even more as she knows that I have a hard time with my mental health. Sometimes it feels like I'm staying in her life for my god daughter's sake.

Any advice, ideas?

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

Maybe a friend who is genuinely caring and worried that a young lady with mental health issues may be exploited on a website like this,

Just maybe

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hope your okay sending you a hug x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

She's stuck at home with a baby and more than a bit jealous of your freedom.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Both your lifestyle and mental health are things a lot of people have little to know understanding of.

You are godmother to her child so I would guess that you have had a close and strong friendship until now?

It would be a shame to loose such a friend over their lack of understanding.

With regards to mental health, perhaps you could direct her to some reading either on line or leaflets often available at your gp surgery, the understanding of your lifestyle choice could be a little harder to gain.

Perhaps she is concerned but not communicating properly? Maybe a girly night in, couple of bottles of plonk and open discussion might help?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So I have a bit of a problem with my long term best friend... we've been friends for fourteen years now & she's the mum of my nine month old god daughter, but things are getting strained between us.

Any advice, ideas?

Why doesn't she agree with you seeing him?

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By *awandOrderCouple
over a year ago

SW London

"She's stuck at home with a baby and more than a bit jealous of your freedom."

I was never jealous of freedom when stuck at home with a baby - why would it be such an awful thing?

I think try to reconnect with your friend as she sounds genuinely worried and if she has been there for you in the past, she will be again ...

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

Crumpet Castle

We've only got your side of things so can't comment.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In all honesty, if it's a friend you have been good friends with for so long, I think it's worth examining why she has concerns about things you're doing, rather than just dismissing her because she's more conservative or you think she's jealous. Those things may well be the case, but it would be awful to throw away a long standing friendship just over a lack of understanding of each other's position.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"She's stuck at home with a baby and more than a bit jealous of your freedom.

I was never jealous of freedom when stuck at home with a baby - why would it be such an awful thing?

I think try to reconnect with your friend as she sounds genuinely worried and if she has been there for you in the past, she will be again ..."

Plenty of new mothers suffer from depression themselves...just because your own personal experience was all sunshine and roses doesn't mean everyone else is so fortunate

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some relationships have a life span that becomes apparent when one part of it goes through changes and the other feels left out or left behind.

It happened to me with a friend. When we no longer saw each other any more, I realised how much freer I felt and just how she expected my life to revolve around her and her needs. She turned out to be rather toxic and I was pleased to be free of her attempts to oppress and ultimately belittle me...she's never forgiven me... I hardly ever give her a thought...

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Without hearing your friends side of things I can't comment on events but I will say that fourteen years is a long time think carefully before you walk away from that friendship unless you have very good reason.

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By *radleyandRavenCouple
over a year ago

Herts

"She's stuck at home with a baby and more than a bit jealous of your freedom."

What makes you automatically jump to that conclusion?

Some people simply aren't into nights out or NSA sex...

Perhaps she lacks understanding and is worried what kind of role model the O.P will be to her daughter?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So I have a bit of a problem with my long term best friend... we've been friends for fourteen years now & she's the mum of my nine month old god daughter, but things are getting strained between us.

Any advice, ideas?

"
try and turn it around go down the positive route ,reverse psychology ,make her feel good about herself and maybe she will reciprocate x

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By *annooWoman
over a year ago

Hastings

I think you should try to connect with her

But I also think that she needs to understand in terms of men and the path u choose they are your mistakes (or otherwise) to make

And as far as ur mental health is concerns (I also suffer) she may need someone or something else to give her knowledge in this area as we both know mental health isn't something u personally have control over. She may have jst been using it to try to snap u out of something she saw as an issue and yes it hurt bit technically it had the effect she was after because u heard it and it hurt if that makes sence maybe she has tried to day stuff before but didn't feel Hurd. I by no means sticking up foe her but as previous people said we don't know her side but from the info u have written this is my take on it

On a more positive note foe every bad day there is a good one and I do hope that on that from things become better for u

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So I have a bit of a problem with my long term best friend... we've been friends for fourteen years now & she's the mum of my nine month old god daughter, but things are getting strained between us.

Any advice, ideas?

Maybe she stopped talking to you to try and make you realise you coming on fab wouldn't be good for you (with your mental problems)

I don't understand why you wouldn't tell your best friend of 14 years you are in a relationship.

telling you to stop being depressed, maybe that was a bit harsh, but maybe she thinks you being on her and other things in your life is not helping your depression and she has said that out of frustration.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"She's stuck at home with a baby and more than a bit jealous of your freedom.

What makes you automatically jump to that conclusion?

Some people simply aren't into nights out or NSA sex...

Perhaps she lacks understanding and is worried what kind of role model the O.P will be to her daughter?"

It was a suggestion, not a conclusion. It's entirely possible that the OP's friend is struggling herself and looking at the OP's freedom with an attitude of "what's she got to be depressed about" - hence the attack. The OP is looking at it from her own perspective, I'm suggesting she look from another angle - it may not be about her at all, but her friend needing help.

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By *urvymamaWoman
over a year ago

Doncaster

With my "friends" it's the other way round they've lost touch because apparently I'm no fun anymore all I do is stay at home with the kids, I struggle for childcare so it's not that I don't want to go out with them I just can't a lot of the time since 4 kids ages 3 and under can't exactly look after themselves, it's downside of being the only mum amongst them and a single mum at that, they don't realise the sacrifices you make to be a parent and when you try to explain that your just being jealous of their freedom etc

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Relationships change and they need work, care and attention.

Both of your lives have changed- her's with a child and yours with a sex site. Maybe the differences are insurmountable or maybe you forge a new relationship around the things you still have in common and hold dear. It can only work if you both want it to.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

Do you make time for your friend? When my best friend was the first to have children she had three under five and impossible to go out, but being able to go out on a night isn't the be all of a friendship, I always went round my friends one evening a week and we did stuff during the day. Maybe she thinks your neglecting the friendship

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

No comments on the specifics, but people change and so do friendships. In the past I've had friends who are hard work and whom I found seeing far from a jolly affair. I moved on. It's possible I've had people lose touch with me for the same reasons. It's life.

Leave any drastic decision until after you've seen what she'd got you for Crimbo, though

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By *rbusyhandsMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

I recently ended a 10 year friendship with a lady whom I actually more often than not miss.

I wrote everything down in lists, pros and cons and had other friends play devils advocate and play me to be the bad guy but every scenario pointed that the friendship just wasn't great.

So I let things slide a little; contacting her less and being less forgiving in mistakes she made although I was still always friendly and supportive to her, finally rather than talk to me about anything she just went quiet and i've not heard from her since.

Maybe not the best way of doing things but as the old saying goes "if you lend a friend £20 and never see them again then its £20 well spent"

Ie don't let bad friends pull you down make new one's...

And if she wants to talk and become friends again then all she has to do is make an effort

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"No comments on the specifics, but people change and so do friendships. In the past I've had friends who are hard work and whom I found seeing far from a jolly affair. I moved on. It's possible I've had people lose touch with me for the same reasons. It's life.

Leave any drastic decision until after you've seen what she'd got you for Crimbo, though

*nods head sagely*

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

People do change some time.for the better or the worst. Its possible that she is jealous of you or does not understand the scene. She probably thinks it's really seedy etc. Maybe you just need a chat with her and explain that you are happy. Its also possible that your friend just has your best interests at heart....sending a virtual hug.

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Leave any drastic decision until after you've seen what she'd got you for Crimbo, though

*nods head sagely* "

*agrees while a large sad tear escapes*

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By *radleyandRavenCouple
over a year ago

Herts

"I recently ended a 10 year friendship with a lady whom I actually more often than not miss.

I wrote everything down in lists, pros and cons and had other friends play devils advocate and play me to be the bad guy but every scenario pointed that the friendship just wasn't great.

Maybe not the best way of doing things but as the old saying goes "if you lend a friend £20 and never see them again then its £20 well spent"

Ie don't let bad friends pull you down make new one's...

And if she wants to talk and become friends again then all she has to do is make an effort "

Ditto, I've recently cut loose a friend of about 14 years because both of our lives have changed and she seems to expect that everything should revolve around her with 0% effort on her part.

She has always been a massive hypocrite but it's become unbearable in the last couple of years and we just ended up at loggerheads all the time with seemingly no compatibility anymore

She went quiet on me after having a go at me for something SHE does all the time.

I haven't lost any sleep over it so I guess that's where my opinion stands on the "friendship".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sounds like she's touched a bit of a nerve. She knows you, we don't maybe that's why she has concerns re Fabs & your mental health.

friendships don't always last the course of time, some drift apart naturally others finish as a result of fall out.

I would sit down with her and talk honestly about how you're feeling & her concerns.

You may both decide your friendship is no more or worth saving.

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By *empting Devil.Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

I walked away from an incredibly close friendship recently because it had devolved into this person constantly criticising me and getting me to do things but no actual friend things. I did all the running about but got pulled to pieces verbally in front of others for everything I did.

It had survived nearly 20 years and all sorts of hardships and ill health but familiarity seems to breed contempt and any attempt I made to point out my feelings was further ammunition for criticism.

I walked away. According to others who saw it (I blocked this person and others) there was a flurry of vile abuse on fb. I have never had a pang of nostalgia or regret which to me is proof that I did the right thing.

If attempts to talk about it calmly with no shouting or 'whos right' in it doesn't work then perhaps it's time to think about moving on. It's incredibly sad when this happens but not all friendships are forever.

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