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Long term mourning...

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Deep subject for a late night but I'm feeling horrendous.

Long story short, my mum's best friend committed suicide six years ago this month. I don't think I ever gained any real closure over it as I couldn't bring myself to go to her funeral - if you want to think bad of me for that, fine. It's something I regret every day - and I think of her every day and I think it's still not really sunk in.

I don't talk about this as a rule so I'd rather people keep their bitchy comments to a minimum please.

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By *horltzMan
over a year ago

heysham

You do what feels right at the time , can't go back , but I'm sure she would understand , don't beat yourself up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I feel for you totally, its 2 years next month since my mother died and I,ve never been able to put a lid on that particular box, I think of her every single day, one of the reasons the box is still open to me is all her money was systematically stolen from her over some years, its an ongoing Police enquiry which I guess is keeping the box open to me, but I desperately need to close it xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm not trying to sound like an ass, but funerals serve a purpose for the living, not the dead. If it wasn't serving that purpose for you, then there was no need to go. You shouldn't feel badly about that.

When my father died I went to the funeral for my family. My father would have thought it was a waste of time and money. And I would rather have been anywhere else.

What's done is done. Pick up, and move on.

-Courtney

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

There's many friends funerals I haven't attended for my own reasons, sometimes I just felt I didn't need to be there.

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By *ighland_RoseCouple
over a year ago

Brigadoon

You don't have to go to a funeral to mourn the loss, and it would not necessarily have given you closure. Death is so final and hard to accept for some people. My mum died when I was 20, that's nearly 30 years ago, and it still doesn't feel real at times. It used to hit me hard when I'd go to her home she shared with her partner, to visit him, as I had to accept she wasn't there. Unless I was there I felt like she was still alive but I just hadn't seen her recently. I stopped going to visit him because it hurt too much, I'm ashamed of that.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

I tried to send you a message about this but I can't as I'm out of your age range.

Your mum's friend would have understood and wouldn't have wanted you to go to the funeral if it wasn't the right thing for you at the time.

Grief is a strange thing. I started grieving in earnest a few months ago for someone who died two years before. My grieving was delayed for various reasons. It's really kicking my arse and I'm pretty much falling apart at the moment.

I hope you feel better soon. Maybe consider getting some grief counselling?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We all mourn in our own way

It's personal to you and sometimes we never get over it

To loose somebody you love or care deeply about is not something that has no rule book to show you how to cope

Maybe speaking to someone may help, does not after be a professional person there are group where everybody has been through the same so they understand how you feel

I lost my son when he was 20 months old, you dont ever get over it but you learn to cope with your feelings, there was a group near me, nobody was medically trained it was basically a woman who had lost a child herself and had nobody she felt she could talk to so she set up this group for others in the same situation and every week it was held and people would just go round and tell others their feelings and what helped them that week

It really helped knowing I wasn't alone and others were in the same boat as me, also helped listening to how they coped

It's not a cure there's no cure for grief but it can help you cope

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mum died in 1988 and i've still not got over it... everyone deals with grief in different way! I hope things improve for you in time..

Regards

G

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By *opinovMan
over a year ago

Point Nemo, Cumbria

I think there are certain people in our lives whose loss hits us so hard that it's not so much a matter of getting over it as much as learning to live with it... so, when we feel a little low, it can get the better of us. I suppose we can find a tiny bit of consolation from the fact that we are humane and compassionate, since we still feel their loss.

I'd say your sadness is a sign of this goodness within.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

OP, sorry to hear you are feeling horrendous.

Can you work out why you feel guilty for not going to the funeral? Maybe if you sort that out you can begin to work through your grief.

Life can be hard sometimes. Everyone dies but some deaths are harder to deal with than others.

I hope you feel better soon.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"OP, sorry to hear you are feeling horrendous.

Can you work out why you feel guilty for not going to the funeral? Maybe if you sort that out you can begin to work through your grief.

Life can be hard sometimes. Everyone dies but some deaths are harder to deal with than others.

I hope you feel better soon.

"

I tried messaging you but I'm out of your age range. I feel guilty as she was my mum's best friend - a second mum to me too, really - and I feel guilty for being unable to support my mum at that point in time.

I feel guilty to my mum's friend too. I went to live with her after I had to leave home. One of the things she asked is why I couldn't come to her to tell her - I'll call her by her name, Karen - what had happened to me. After Karen died I felt horrible for questioning why SHE couldn't come to someone to talk about HER problems.

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By *ighland_RoseCouple
over a year ago

Brigadoon

I think the grief you feel is complicated by the fact she killed herself so there are a whole lot of other emotions involved. I knew someone who killed herself, ironically also called Karen. I still think of her often, even though we weren't close. I feel bad that she was hurting inside so much that she took her own life despite what it would do to her family.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I think the grief you feel is complicated by the fact she killed herself so there are a whole lot of other emotions involved. I knew someone who killed herself, ironically also called Karen. I still think of her often, even though we weren't close. I feel bad that she was hurting inside so much that she took her own life despite what it would do to her family."

Yeah, I think so too. Funnily enough, even though I have bad depression issues sometimes, the knowledge of how it feels when someone that you love feels like that's the only way out will stop me ever acting on thoughts of hurting myself.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

OP all you can do is your best.

I thought I was rubbish support for my parents when my brother was killed but they've since said just how much I helped. The perception and feelings of others may be very different from how you perceive yourself.

Having been through suicidal phases, sometimes it's not possible to talk about it. People don't think rationally during those times and they can't see things that seem clear or sensible to others. She may have felt like a burden to you all and didn't want to burden you further. You wouldn't have seen it as a burden, I'm sure, but in an altered state of mind it can be impossible to comprehend that.

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By *ighland_RoseCouple
over a year ago

Brigadoon


"I think the grief you feel is complicated by the fact she killed herself so there are a whole lot of other emotions involved. I knew someone who killed herself, ironically also called Karen. I still think of her often, even though we weren't close. I feel bad that she was hurting inside so much that she took her own life despite what it would do to her family.

Yeah, I think so too. Funnily enough, even though I have bad depression issues sometimes, the knowledge of how it feels when someone that you love feels like that's the only way out will stop me ever acting on thoughts of hurting myself."

A friend of mine shocked me with her anger at Karen's suicide, calling her selfish. I have more empathy for her. I believe she couldn't live with the pain of her life and probably felt her family was better off without her. It's just so utterly sad.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Sorry to hear how you're feeling tonight - that's not good. We all grieve differently, even though there seems common patterns.

My dad died suddenly two years ago and it's still really tough, so I feel some of that pain.

But I guess there are two things -

The loss and grief, and

Your beliefs about missing the funeral.

Sounds like support with both of them could help you. As others say, funerals are socially organised rituals that may help some of us. But the last thing that someone who is hurting often needs is to be at one - nor getting hurt afterwards because they didn't go. I've missed funerals too and can find them too much.

I'm really tired after a very long day, so not expressing myself too well. But wanted to share my care for you.

Perhaps part of the issue is that you're largely keeping this bottled up inside and alone. Again, there's no one right way but maybe you need some balance and sharing tenderness?

I hope that opening up just now takes you one step closer to feeling more at peace over your loss. I'm happy to talk anytime - my door and heart are always open.

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk


"I think the grief you feel is complicated by the fact she killed herself so there are a whole lot of other emotions involved. I knew someone who killed herself, ironically also called Karen. I still think of her often, even though we weren't close. I feel bad that she was hurting inside so much that she took her own life despite what it would do to her family."

Speaking as someone who has been suicidal before, I didn't see it as wanting to do it despite what it would do to my family.

My thinking was totally messed up and I believed absolutely that it would be the best thing for my family. I even believed they would realise that and feel relief.

At other times I felt angry with them for being so selfish as to want me to continue on in such pain.

It's a very strange way to feel and to think and the view of reality is extremely warped. At least that's how it was during my experiences.

Looking back now it doesn't seem real. It feels like watching someone else through some kind of lens. It's so alien I can't relate it to having been me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mate hung himself new years day 2009 and I didnt go to his funeral, I was so angry with him. Wish I had now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Losing my dad at 12 yrs old and not talking about it has had a huge impact on my life.. he's been gone now 39 years and the pain n tears is untrue . Still today its raw to point my kids don't even mention it . My wife had told me only last week to go get councilling .. if say to any one who loses a loved one to open up and talk about and cry as much as you want. Do no hold back like I did xx

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