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Ex advice please!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Ok I split with my hubby after 15 years of marriage for various reasons late last year, we've remained the best of friends (we've known each other since we were 11 years old)

He is in love with his best friend, he and her have slept together a few times but due to her situation they can't be together, they both love each other and want to be together but can't.

We see each other every day and we've become fuck buddies; our relationship is better now with no strings and stuff (apart from the kids) and the sex is better than ever.

I do love my life now and the ex knows everything I get up to and gets off on it, however i don't find this normal, I find myself not admitting I've gone on meets and stuff even though he says it's fine but it comes with a list as long as your arm what I can and can't do (even though we are not together he worries for my safety)

My question is this; can you be friends with your ex to the extent we are?

Thanks in advance! X

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Sounds like you are?

Depends on how much emotion you want to invest in it, and he sounds emotionally elsewhere...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why ask a question you've just answered?

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Sounds like you've got it covered. As long as you're communicating and happy, do what suits you. You're not married any more, you can please yourself.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Hehe thank you, he de friended me on Facebook today for an off the cuff comment, I found myself liberated for a while then became sad, but now I don't know what to think.

I've no emotion when it comes to feelings for him, sometimes I wish he wouldn't message the way he does, but then he does that with all his friends. I should be thankful I've got a best friend who cares. Thanks guys x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There are a lot of blurred boundaries there and it sounds like you're not really comfortable with that. Nobody else can tell you if it can work or not as we don't know you, your ex, or your relationship together. You need to figure out What your boundaries are and talk to him about it.

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

I would say no but then I'm not friends with my ex's as I tend to cut all ties once a relationship is over, however there are some who are great friends with their ex's. However I would question why are you allowing him to control you with the lists of what you can and can't do.

I would be wary of the current situation and would probably protect yourself from any unnecessary hurt. Me personally I would probably knock the shagging thing on the head and cont with being platonic friends however that's just my opioion and I maybe wrong in my suggestion.

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By *ikki ShooterTV/TS
over a year ago

Epsom

Why the hell not. Sometimes we throw up concerns just to feel normal (whatever that is). Are you happy as you are?

Yes! Then live for the moment, we get one shot at life and after a string of mistakes Ive got the hang of that and dont intend to let life kick me further.

Live life how you want, normal is just a word.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I would say no but then I'm not friends with my ex's as I tend to cut all ties once a relationship is over, however there are some who are great friends with their ex's. However I would question why are you allowing him to control you with the lists of what you can and can't do.

I would be wary of the current situation and would probably protect yourself from any unnecessary hurt. Me personally I would probably knock the shagging thing on the head and cont with being platonic friends however that's just my opioion and I maybe wrong in my suggestion. "

I'm seriously considering knocking the sex on the head; it's great but I think it's another emotion that is still 'there' and although we both know it's a fuck; when I find myself alone at my house overnight, he always wants to come over not imagining for one moment I don't want him or need him as I have a list of men that would come over in a heart beat for a fuck and no dramas at the end of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

I do love my life now and the ex knows everything I get up to and gets off on it, however i don't find this normal, I find myself not admitting I've gone on meets and stuff even though he says it's fine but it comes with a list as long as your arm what I can and can't do (even though we are not together he worries for my safety)

"

That paragraoh contains a mass of contradictions

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon


"I would say no but then I'm not friends with my ex's as I tend to cut all ties once a relationship is over, however there are some who are great friends with their ex's. However I would question why are you allowing him to control you with the lists of what you can and can't do.

I would be wary of the current situation and would probably protect yourself from any unnecessary hurt. Me personally I would probably knock the shagging thing on the head and cont with being platonic friends however that's just my opioion and I maybe wrong in my suggestion.

I'm seriously considering knocking the sex on the head; it's great but I think it's another emotion that is still 'there' and although we both know it's a fuck; when I find myself alone at my house overnight, he always wants to come over not imagining for one moment I don't want him or need him as I have a list of men that would come over in a heart beat for a fuck and no dramas at the end of it. "

I would say he doesn't want you but he doesn't want no fucker else to have you by making it complicated for you to meet others...good luck in what you decide but sometimes it's easier to walk away than to try and deal with the drama.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Also if he is your best fiend and you are having sex with him, it prom[ts 2 questions. Why are you not a couple anymore? and Are either of you actually getting any closure and moving on from the split?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex and I split after 13 years together and we're brilliant friends, but we've had to stop talking about sex and fabbing as it crossed boundaries and felt too 'relationshipy'.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"

I do love my life now and the ex knows everything I get up to and gets off on it, however i don't find this normal, I find myself not admitting I've gone on meets and stuff even though he says it's fine but it comes with a list as long as your arm what I can and can't do (even though we are not together he worries for my safety)

That paragraoh contains a mass of contradictions"

I'm a walking contradiction!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Also if he is your best fiend and you are having sex with him, it prom[ts 2 questions. Why are you not a couple anymore? and Are either of you actually getting any closure and moving on from the split?"

He fell in love with someone else and things happened years ago that we never fully recovered from (me and an affair) x

And no I don't think we are getting closure from the actual relationship by continuing to have sex

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By *-ManMan
over a year ago

Kark

I'd say no, if it's over the only say he should have is with regards to the kids, everything else is non of his business

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"Ok I split with my hubby after 15 years of marriage for various reasons late last year, we've remained the best of friends (we've known each other since we were 11 years old)

He is in love with his best friend, he and her have slept together a few times but due to her situation they can't be together, they both love each other and want to be together but can't.

We see each other every day and we've become fuck buddies; our relationship is better now with no strings and stuff (apart from the kids) and the sex is better than ever.

I do love my life now and the ex knows everything I get up to and gets off on it, however i don't find this normal, I find myself not admitting I've gone on meets and stuff even though he says it's fine but it comes with a list as long as your arm what I can and can't do (even though we are not together he worries for my safety)

My question is this; can you be friends with your ex to the extent we are?

Thanks in advance! X"

You are friends with your ex to the extent you are so yes, you can. Whether its a good idea or not it you can decide.

Two things struck me, he's in love with someone but they don't have sex very often because presumably they don't see each other often but that's ok because he can get sex with you. Secondly he's fine with you meeting other people for sex but that comes with a long list of rules.

You aren't his ex except paper you are both still very much involved emotionally and sexually carry on if you want to but be prepared to become his ex completely if his other love becomes free.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Except on paper that should say

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Does the woman he's with know you sleep together.

To me, its a lazy habit having sex with your ex.

How will you move on?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Does the woman he's with know you sleep together.

To me, its a lazy habit having sex with your ex.

How will you move on?"

Yes she does, for the record he kinda with her but not, they do everything but sex at the moment on occasions they get it together and admit their feelings then she goes back to her boyfriend for convince sake.

I want him to be with her (btw she is my best friend too, like I said long story!)

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By *uckandbunnyCouple
over a year ago

The Wild Wetness

Too complicated, sounds like everyone needs to move on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I would say no but then I'm not friends with my ex's as I tend to cut all ties once a relationship is over, however there are some who are great friends with their ex's. However I would question why are you allowing him to control you with the lists of what you can and can't do.

I would be wary of the current situation and would probably protect yourself from any unnecessary hurt. Me personally I would probably knock the shagging thing on the head and cont with being platonic friends however that's just my opioion and I maybe wrong in my suggestion. "

I'm with cheeky on this. It's emotionally very difficult with an ex. Especially one you have been with for so many years.

I too don't like the control. It's being prettied up by claiming it's for your safety and showing concern, ie feelings for you.

But it's still control to me.

My worry for you, is that you will tie yourself in knots to make this work, because it's so easy and nice having him in your life this way.

But ultimately it may damage you emotionally.

Do you have close friends you can confide in, who know you both.

Would they give you sound advice?

Take care sweetie xxx

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By *luezuluMan
over a year ago

Suffolk


"Does the woman he's with know you sleep together.

To me, its a lazy habit having sex with your ex.

How will you move on?

Yes she does, for the record he kinda with her but not, they do everything but sex at the moment on occasions they get it together and admit their feelings then she goes back to her boyfriend for convince sake.

I want him to be with her (btw she is my best friend too, like I said long story!) "

Very long story, sounds like an epic!!!

Just be careful it doesn't all end in tears. But I do wish you luck. when me and my ex finally split up after I spent 3 years trying to save the marriage. I hated the sight of her, but time is a great healer, but as for sleeping with her, no sorry that's a no no, I prefer to keep it friends.

Like I said. Good luck with it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sounds like you need a bit of time apart to reestablish some boundaries. You are not his wife any more yet you let him control your actions. He needs to let go of that and he probably won't if you keep sleeping with him.

I would tell him that you need some time apart sexually. No problem if you can remain good friends given the kids but sleeping together sound like it is getting far too complicated. See how you feel a couple of months down the line. Initially it will be hard but if you feel better after some time apart you have your answer. If you still want to sleep with him have the talk as a pair of grown ups and set out your boundaries.

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside

sounds like poly relationships, but with some blurred boundaries.. i suggest reading up on some of that subject and then deciding as a sovereign being in your own right what you want..i dont think as hes an ex, youve got enough strategies in place, because of familiarity

no reason to give it up, it just needs tweaking, and for you to form your own identity within it as a feee single woman..then it will either shift or you will move on more easily..

much love, take care sx

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

When I split with my ex husband I wouldn't say we where the best of friends but I carried on having sex with him for two years, it was just sex, neither wanted to get back together but the sex was good so I wasn't going to cut my nose of to spite my face

In the end it just dwingled out think it was when he met his next wife

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ok I split with my hubby after 15 years of marriage for various reasons late last year, we've remained the best of friends (we've known each other since we were 11 years old)

He is in love with his best friend, he and her have slept together a few times but due to her situation they can't be together, they both love each other and want to be together but can't.

We see each other every day and we've become fuck buddies; our relationship is better now with no strings and stuff (apart from the kids) and the sex is better than ever.

I do love my life now and the ex knows everything I get up to and gets off on it, however i don't find this normal, I find myself not admitting I've gone on meets and stuff even though he says it's fine but it comes with a list as long as your arm what I can and can't do (even though we are not together he worries for my safety)

My question is this; can you be friends with your ex to the extent we are?

Thanks in advance! X"

Yes but stop lying to yourself that's the problem!

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