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a duck walks into a bar.....

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By *eavenNhell OP   Couple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"

Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too" Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub... What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"

says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

There is a long, pregnant silence, during which the duck just stares at the shelves behind the barman.

"What's the matter?" says the barman.

The duck says "Just trying to work out what they would want with a plasterer!!..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thank you, I needed that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I do love your jokes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What key opens any lock???

A pikey

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lol

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"

Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too" Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub... What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous,"

says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

There is a long, pregnant silence, during which the duck just stares at the shelves behind the barman.

"What's the matter?" says the barman.

The duck says "Just trying to work out what they would want with a plasterer!!.."
a duck walks into a bar OUCH it was an iron bar

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After a fairly upsetting weekend that was just what I needed, thanks!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Class!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Daisy and Gladys the cows met in a paddock one morning.

Gladys " ooh Daisy, you look rough this morning "

Daisy " oh Gladys,I feel awful,I went partying at the Herefords last night and you know what they are like? "

Gladys " ooh, yes, I do "

Daisy "well, as we left we got invited to the Guernsey's and I stupidly went and we partied until early this morning and I missed morning milking and ooooh! I have a awful hangunder! "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cheers for that mate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Made me proper lol!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A megasorearse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A megasorearse "

Is that the joke the kid told in Jurassic Park.

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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

A limbo dancer walks into a bar.....

He was f*cking useless.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

"

Duck Tape of course...

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else


"How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

Duck Tape of course... "

Fair enough.

What use is a plastering duck though? It would have a range of about two feet...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

Duck Tape of course...

Fair enough.

What use is a plastering duck though? It would have a range of about two feet..."

He does the bottom I do the top, saves chronic back pain stooping down... split the money 70/30

xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did he pay for his beer and sandwich or just put it on his bill

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

Duck Tape of course...

Fair enough.

What use is a plastering duck though? It would have a range of about two feet..."

better than those plastering geese. theyre bloody awful.

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else


"How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

Duck Tape of course...

Fair enough.

What use is a plastering duck though? It would have a range of about two feet...

He does the bottom I do the top, saves chronic back pain stooping down... split the money 70/30

xx "

Which begs the question...

Where does a duck put his cash? He doesn't have pockets...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

Duck Tape of course...

Fair enough.

What use is a plastering duck though? It would have a range of about two feet...

He does the bottom I do the top, saves chronic back pain stooping down... split the money 70/30

xx

Which begs the question...

Where does a duck put his cash? He doesn't have pockets..."

In his bill fold!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

Duck Tape of course...

Fair enough.

What use is a plastering duck though? It would have a range of about two feet...

He does the bottom I do the top, saves chronic back pain stooping down... split the money 70/30

xx

Which begs the question...

Where does a duck put his cash? He doesn't have pockets..."

Paid straight into his account... it's a down payment

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else


"How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

Duck Tape of course...

Fair enough.

What use is a plastering duck though? It would have a range of about two feet...

He does the bottom I do the top, saves chronic back pain stooping down... split the money 70/30

xx

Which begs the question...

Where does a duck put his cash? He doesn't have pockets...

Paid straight into his account... it's a down payment "

How could a duck possibly get a bank account???

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By *ohnaronMan
over a year ago

london


"How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

Duck Tape of course...

Fair enough.

What use is a plastering duck though? It would have a range of about two feet...

He does the bottom I do the top, saves chronic back pain stooping down... split the money 70/30

xx

Which begs the question...

Where does a duck put his cash? He doesn't have pockets...

Paid straight into his account... it's a down payment

How could a duck possibly get a bank account??? "

Easy at my bank. They are all ducking stupid.

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By *ewantfun14Couple
over a year ago

Norfolk

You're all quackers !!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

Duck Tape of course...

Fair enough.

What use is a plastering duck though? It would have a range of about two feet...

He does the bottom I do the top, saves chronic back pain stooping down... split the money 70/30

xx

Which begs the question...

Where does a duck put his cash? He doesn't have pockets...

Paid straight into his account... it's a down payment

How could a duck possibly get a bank account??? "

Dunno but he said he got it on the Web

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else


"How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

Duck Tape of course...

Fair enough.

What use is a plastering duck though? It would have a range of about two feet...

He does the bottom I do the top, saves chronic back pain stooping down... split the money 70/30

xx

Which begs the question...

Where does a duck put his cash? He doesn't have pockets...

Paid straight into his account... it's a down payment

How could a duck possibly get a bank account???

Dunno but he said he got it on the Web "

Fair enough. It all seems entirely plausible now that it's been explained.

Did he get a job at the circus or not?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

Duck Tape of course...

Fair enough.

What use is a plastering duck though? It would have a range of about two feet...

He does the bottom I do the top, saves chronic back pain stooping down... split the money 70/30

xx

Which begs the question...

Where does a duck put his cash? He doesn't have pockets...

In his bill fold! "

I thought it was his duck-filled- fatty- purse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

Duck Tape of course...

Fair enough.

What use is a plastering duck though? It would have a range of about two feet...

He does the bottom I do the top, saves chronic back pain stooping down... split the money 70/30

xx

Which begs the question...

Where does a duck put his cash? He doesn't have pockets...

Paid straight into his account... it's a down payment

How could a duck possibly get a bank account???

Dunno but he said he got it on the Web

Fair enough. It all seems entirely plausible now that it's been explained.

Did he get a job at the circus or not? "

Nah he hates clowns and caravans...

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By *arry247Couple
over a year ago

Wakefield


"How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

"

In its stomach where do you hold food & drink?

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else


"How does the duck hold a pint?

Or a sandwich?

In its stomach where do you hold food & drink?"

We're starting again????

OK, I don't believe that a duck's stomach has capacity of one pint, let alone a pie and a sandwich.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In a way, I'm related to a duck !!! My ass is water tight, and i'm quackers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Duck walks into a pub

"Got any bread?"

"No" says the Barman

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No" says the barman for the third time

"Got any bread?"

"Look if you ask me if ice got any bread again I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar"

"Got any nails?"

"No"

"Got any bread?......"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Duck walks into a pub

"Got any bread?"

"No" says the Barman

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No" says the barman for the third time

"Got any bread?"

"Look if you ask me if ice got any bread again I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar"

"Got any nails?"

"No"

"Got any bread?......""

LOL tells this joke (her only 1) to me on a regular basis... it's what made me look at the thread... I'm more amused at her finding it funny still... xx

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