FabSwingers.com forum: Debt moral dilemma

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Picture the scenario, a family member is in debt, has already been through and iva (nearing its end) but is struggling and has asked for a loan to clear pay day lenders.

Do you give it (knowing deep down it is a gift, not a loan, and that it probably won't be enough to solve the problems)?

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

yes, once

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By *obbytupperMan
over a year ago

Menston near Ilkley

Surely if the person is in an I.V.A. then the payday lenders should not have given them credit in the first place?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've done it once and once only,

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By *elloWoman
over a year ago

alpha centauri

I've stopped 'loaning' friends money when they are in trouble because what I can give and never get back is not enough to get them out of the predicament so I'm now just giving them food parcels so at least I know the children are eating. (plus it always annoyed me that they'd plead poverty not pay me back but still have money for fans)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tell your friend to go to Step change. They are amazing at reducing outgoings so your friend might not need a loan after all

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Surely if the person is in an I.V.A. then the payday lenders should not have given them credit in the first place?"

You can still get credit while in an iva, but only the likes of payday lenders.

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

"Tell your friend to go to Step change. They are amazing at reducing outgoings so your friend might not need a loan after all "

good advice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have and will do again for my kids or immediate family but other than that nope. You got in the mess, you get out of it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Tell your friend to go to Step change. They are amazing at reducing outgoings so your friend might not need a loan after all "

good advice, thank you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We used to laugh at the Wonga loans advert,I mean, what sort of an idiot would take out a loan on +7000% Apr?.

Oh!,one of our sons would.

He is at last getting his life back and less and less asks for help, I rant and rage but end up helping, he's our son, foolish or not.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It really depends on the situation. But if that person took out the loan for a good reason, then I would give the money. Yes. And I wouldn't call it a loan, either. I would do it for family and for close friends.

It really, really depends on the situation, but sometimes people just need help, and if they mean something to me, and I am in a position to offer that help, I would.

-Courtney

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It really depends on the situation. But if that person took out the loan for a good reason, then I would give the money. Yes. And I wouldn't call it a loan, either. I would do it for family and for close friends.

It really, really depends on the situation, but sometimes people just need help, and if they mean something to me, and I am in a position to offer that help, I would.

-Courtney"

Exactly, to me it depends how they got into debt. If it was through illness or misfortune then I'd give them the money and I don't need it back. If they were just having too much of a good time then sorry but no.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I met my husband he was in a bad financial state, living on credit cards just to eat each day. His ex wife left him in a very bad way, she had debt when they met he took out loans and credit to help sort it out. She continued to get credit. We paid off over £40,000 and she had £9,000 of her own to deal with. She is still in debt (more than the £9,000) and is constantly borrowing from her family. Yet she can still afford designer baby gear for her 2 youngest children, take aways, fags and day trips out. But her eldest child seems to miss out (this is the child she has with my hubby). Until she hits rock bottom and has the children taken away, losses her home and the baliefs have taken her stuff she will continue on the path she is on.

So no I wouldn't lend anyone money.

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By *ex_OnTheBeachCouple
over a year ago

kent ( by the seaside )

I lend to my children and close family, but that's all, sounds like your friend needs some debt advice to help control the situation.

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By *D40Couple
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

If i myself had a pot to piss in & could help i would.

However until the day 2/3 off my incomings dont have to be spent living in a modest 2 bed house its not a quandry i face.

I would say that i would only give help once & with the cash gift would be a hefty lecture on money management....

Mrs _d40

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No....i wouldn't..... What's to stop them building up more debt

What pisses me off about people who cry poverty is that more often than not, they smoke, d*unk, use recreational drugs....but then expect you to bail them out.

My ex sister in law was/is like this, wouldn't see her without food and gas and electric so id buy those items so kids were warm and fed but after watching her moan she's got no nappies but light up a fag....i flipped

Been on the bones of my arse... Lived within my means

Just what you do

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Head is saying no, but heart is saying yes.

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Is this a metaphor for Greece, perchance?

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

I would suggest that that exhaust all other avenues of support such as debt advice and that step change and if the payments are reduced and they stick to the payments then maybe help....in order to help people sometimes you have to allow them to help themselves

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

the only people I would give money to are my kids

I'm sorry but nobody else is my problem

I'm not particularly close to my family though, if I was maybe I'd feel different

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've given both my sister and brother a 'loan' in the past that I know I'll never get back (and don't actually want back). I'd rather they had the money than I blow it on sex, drugs and rock n roll

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By *harpDressed ManMan
over a year ago

Here occasionally, but mostly somewhere else

OP said it was "family " and obviously the closeness (blood or emotional) matters, as does the amount in relation to OP'S own means.

Consider committing to buying all their food for x weeks - you control via online ordering, and can ensure they eat healthily and cheaply. Obviously you need them to commit to making the most of that opportunity, but you'll need that if you're lending/giving anyway.

Good luck OP, not a nice situation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Picture the scenario, a family member is in debt, has already been through and iva (nearing its end) but is struggling and has asked for a loan to clear pay day lenders.

Do you give it (knowing deep down it is a gift, not a loan, and that it probably won't be enough to solve the problems)?"

Not much point as only the creditors will gain. If you trust your friend and accept that it will not be repaid, then give them cash. You are not going to see it again, though.

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By *om and JennieCouple
over a year ago

Chams or Socials

No. But my family know not to ask - I'm on the other side & take Court & enforcement action for debt recovery (but I am a nice person really!!)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In the past yes. However since my last ex persuaded me to loan her a few grand to clear her debts (caused by her own negligence) while she merrily screwed around, then fucking off refusing to pay a penny back - no I won't any more.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes i have a sister who ive bailed out for years. Dont feel like i have a choice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Right now I have more debt than I ever imagined, but I dare not tell anyone I know in case I become that person. I can pay off my debt though, if no other surprises come my way in the next 4-5 months

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Head is saying no, but heart is saying yes."

Which do you think will help her/him more in the long run?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Head is saying no, but heart is saying yes.

Which do you think will help her/him more in the long run?"

I'm trying to get the full picture so I can work that out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yes i have a sister who ive bailed out for years. Dont feel like i have a choice "

Why not?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Close friend yes and probably would take the hit if it's a reasonable amount. But would not happen again. I would signpost them to advice first.

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind!

I asked my mum for money many moons ago, and guess what? She refused! Why? Because I smoke! And guess what? Could I fault her? Not in the slightest!

Also as a learning curve, I helped an ex out when I was early twenties, and he was in his thirties as he had an ex wife and loans to fulfil, and guess what I did? Took out a loan to cover his! Stupid, stupid, stupid me! As yes we split and I had to continue paying, so I would never do anything for anyone that I couldn't afford to lose.

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

I tend to see this kind of personal loan as one that I "write off" the moment I agree to it. If I can afford to lose the money then I would help.

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By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago

Hull

The message is simple, don't give anything!

I got myself into debt a while back after several periods of unemployment, and existing credit cards, loans etc which I had accrued. Stupid, I know, but you always think, "it will get easier".

At least I realised in time that I was in up to my neck, not like some people who just plod on hoping against hope and bury their heads in the sand.

I got help, and went onto a Debt Management Plan. It has been tough, but at least, it allowed creditors to know what trouble I was in and that they would be paid in time, but not now.

I have a monthly budget which I stick to rigidly, don't have holidays away abroad now, don't have any lavish lifestyle as I used to, but the strange thing is, I don't miss having all the worldly goods etc.

I was reckless with my money, the banking system and my own bank allowed me to do so in my younger years, but my mortgage is safe, I don't have a credit card any more, my credit rating is crap, but in 3 years, I will owe nothing, it will be ok again and the records straightened out.

The message is simple; the help is there but you have to recognise you need help. Don't rely on friends, family etc, as it never ends and they too have to be cruel to be kind and not put their hands in their pockets all the time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Head is saying no, but heart is saying yes.

Which do you think will help her/him more in the long run?

I'm trying to get the full picture so I can work that out."

OK.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So if they in a iva the creditors are kot legally entitled to chase for the balance there for the probably dont want the money for that

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By *uby0000Woman
over a year ago

hertfordshire

we will finish our IVA in November its been a tough five years but worth it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Picture the scenario, a family member is in debt, has already been through and iva (nearing its end) but is struggling and has asked for a loan to clear pay day lenders.

Do you give it (knowing deep down it is a gift, not a loan, and that it probably won't be enough to solve the problems)?"

I wouldn't tell them to use step change but I also wouldn't lend them money dependin on the circumstances there are other methods to get rid of some debts

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By *uby0000Woman
over a year ago

hertfordshire

[Removed by poster at 02/09/15 23:37:30]

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

I'd help only if I believed that what I did was the right solution for them. Papering over the cracks isn't a final lasting solution.

And either have a fixed achievable repayment or make a gift.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

The reasons for debt can be complex. Sometimes being cruel to be kind can work but for others it might push them over the edge.

I have given money but I have also given time and helped someone find the support and counselling they needed. I have also firmly said no.

It all depends just how much I care about that other person.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Said yes. Hopefully it solves the problem. Although I doubt it.

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