FabSwingers.com forum: Bad News Dilema

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Had a phone call last night from a friend.A friend I grew up with has only been given 3 weeks to live (lung cancer)and he's only 49.thing is he's quite a heavy drinker and a few years back we , well he went off on one and told me and a few others that used to hang around that we were no friends of his and he stormed out the pub. That was the last time I ever heard from him.

Should I contact him or has too much water gone under the bridge. Mark posting by the way.Your _iews will be much appreciated.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Contact him if it will give you peace x

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By *trawberry-popWoman
over a year ago

South East Midlands NOT

Contact him if you want to. It might become a regret if you don't.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Had a phone call last night from a friend.A friend I grew up with has only been given 3 weeks to live (lung cancer)and he's only 49.thing is he's quite a heavy drinker and a few years back we , well he went off on one and told me and a few others that used to hang around that we were no friends of his and he stormed out the pub. That was the last time I ever heard from him.

Should I contact him or has too much water gone under the bridge. Mark posting by the way.Your _iews will be much appreciated."

A good friend will always forgive another good friend a d*unken outburst. These things can go on years over nothing, and both sides secretly hope the other side will make the first move.

Go see your friend.

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

I would .. What the Hell you say in a situation like this I don't know ... Hugs x olov

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

to be honest all the lads who hung around together were asking the same thing wether to get in touch or not.he's had invites to christenings, weddings, birthdays etc over the years and has never showed up and he's also returned a few invitations not known at this address

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Big hugs definitely get in touch xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Should I contact him or has too much water gone under the bridge. Mark posting by the way.Your _iews will be much appreciated.

A good friend will always forgive another good friend a d*unken outburst. These things can go on years over nothing, and both sides secretly hope the other side will make the first move.

Go see your friend."
Thank you for that

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry to hear your bad news, and I agree with the others, I would go and see them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If he didn't have 3 weeks to live would you go see him?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

No like ive said ,we have tried over the years by inviting him to gatherings,,but he just ignores us , but he only has a sister and she's in Canada.just playing on me he's alone with this dreadful cancer

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry to hear of your bad news. I agree go see him. If you don't you will have so many regrets later when it's too late

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Yeah, he's dying, forgive him and go see him, he needs all the comfort he can get right now.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

what if he just dosnt answer the door,he's refused to answer anyones phone calls so far

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

we all have forgiven him , its him who's keeping the fall out up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"we all have forgiven him , its him who's keeping the fall out up"

Maybe don't 'forgive' him, but go and say 'sorry' to him. I know from your side there is nothing to be sorry for, but sometimes people build things up in their head and saying sorry fixes it. You know the word 'sorry' means you're forgiving him, let him think it means sorry. Not sure if in text I'm making it clear what I mean so I'll just stop typing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"No like ive said ,we have tried over the years by inviting him to gatherings,,but he just ignores us , but he only has a sister and she's in Canada.just playing on me he's alone with this dreadful cancer"

Yes it's dreadful , but if he hasn't bothered attending the celebration of new life , why bother seeing him for his impending death ?

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By *udistnorthantsMan
over a year ago

Desborough

Contact him or pop round to see him.... if he doesnt answer that's his problem... at least you wont then have the regret of worrying about not making the effort when you had the chance

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Yes it's dreadful , but if he hasn't bothered attending the celebration of new life , why bother seeing him for his impending death ?"
I thought of that but then I thought, he's probably had this inside him for years, and only now just came to a head

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"what if he just dosnt answer the door,he's refused to answer anyones phone calls so far "

If you go and he won't answer you will know you did your best. He might not want to see you.

You must do what you feel is right for you and once you've decided don't regret it. That may sound harsh but i know what I'm talking about in this instance. Dying does not make someone something they weren't beforehand.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

To be asking the question says to me you feel there's unfinished business.

Go see him. Say sorry for whatever you fell out over even if it wasn't your fault. It sounds like he never got over it. Help him find peace while you still can.

I hope it works out. xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if he passed away and I hadn't been to see him

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By *uckandbunnyCouple
over a year ago

The Wild Wetness

Go see him.

Give him the choice.

If he chooses not to make contact then he had made his choice.

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

I'd go see him too. It maybe entirely selfish but I think I'd always feel bad if I didn't. Maybe he won't answer the door, maybe he'll say fuck you, maybe he'll be pleased to see you but whatever the outcome, I know I'd feel better for having tried. It's a tough one. I'm sorry you lost your friendship, that's hard in iteslf to deal with but don't deal with a 'what if' at a later stage when you can't do anything about it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

thanks everyone for all your _iews,im in Sweden for tonights Celtic game but im home tomorrow and i'll round up the lads and we'll go try and put things right.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

I'd contact him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"what if he just dosnt answer the door,he's refused to answer anyones phone calls so far

If you go and he won't answer you will know you did your best. He might not want to see you.

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By *ingle Beds LassWoman
over a year ago

Bedfordshire

"thanks everyone for all your _iews,im in Sweden for tonights Celtic game but im home tomorrow and i'll round up the lads and we'll go try and put things right."

Good choice. I wish you all well and I hope you get a positive response

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"thanks everyone for all your _iews,im in Sweden for tonights Celtic game but im home tomorrow and i'll round up the lads and we'll go try and put things right."

I think this is the right decision too. Good luck. Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whatever decision you make........ be kind to yourself and don't feel obliged to regret anything that doesn't end amicably....

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Your not a bad lot are you the forums a great place to be

xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Whatever decision you make........ be kind to yourself and don't feel obliged to regret anything that doesn't end amicably....

This. Respect your friend's wishes.

Good luck going round OP. x

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By *usterMan
over a year ago

worthing

I hope whatever you decide gives him a better/calmer death, and that it eases your way through life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Do it.

Sometimes you can't tell what people are going through, even if they are a good friend and his heavy drinking may have been a symptom of a deeper problem.

I think if there was ever a time he'd need some friends it's probably now.

Not harm in trying at least. You'll at least know you did what you could.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do it.

Sometimes you can't tell what people are going through, even if they are a good friend and his heavy drinking may have been a symptom of a deeper problem.

I think if there was ever a time he'd need some friends it's probably now.

Not harm in trying at least. You'll at least know you did what you could."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Could he have known of his illness then ?.Got it into his head it was easier to deal with alone. . And pushed everyone away.

As others have said . . Go see him ,or at least try too

Her xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

At a time like this I would do what feels right for you, he's dying and nothing will change that fact.

If you feel you don't want to see him then don't you are under no obligation to do so. If you feel you would regret that decision & you want to say goodbye then make contact.

Don't forget it's also his right to not want to see anyone as well.

Good luck x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's a shame your friend is dying at such a young age.

Sadly I'd say don't contact him. He's the one that ended the friendship and he's not been there for you, he's obviously no friend and doesn't deserve your attention.

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

I wouldn't get in contact

If it was me dying I'd think fuck off if people I'd fallen out with years ago came out of their woodwork to see me

I'd think it really goulish

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It's a shame your friend is dying at such a young age.

Sadly I'd say don't contact him. He's the one that ended the friendship and he's not been there for you, he's obviously no friend and doesn't deserve your attention."
I have felt this way more than Ive felt like going to see him to be honest, but I am going to try and make things right. weve got a lot of memories through our lives before the fall out and I do think he does have more underlying problems than the cancer that made him do what he did

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Contact him, rebuild the bridge. If he chooses not too, you have tried...

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

"I wouldn't get in contact

If it was me dying I'd think fuck off if people I'd fallen out with years ago came out of their woodwork to see me

I'd think it really goulish "

Yeah that crossed my mind to... that's sort of where I was going with the selfish angle but I think if I was faced with death then I'd also feel better righting the wrongs that had gone by, especially if they were my fault. Not that it really does matter cause I'd be dead.

Although there's one tosser in my life that I've left explicit instructions to chuck him the fuck out if he turns up at my funeral!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I wouldn't get in contact

If it was me dying I'd think fuck off if people I'd fallen out with years ago came out of their woodwork to see me

I'd think it really goulish

Although there's one tosser in my life that I've left explicit instructions to chuck him the fuck out if he turns up at my funeral!

"
cheers dirty girl that made me lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I wouldn't get in contact

If it was me dying I'd think fuck off if people I'd fallen out with years ago came out of their woodwork to see me

I'd think it really goulish "

Totally agree!!

But in this case it sounds like they have tried to contact him a lot of times... so worth one last try.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's a shame your friend is dying at such a young age.

Sadly I'd say don't contact him. He's the one that ended the friendship and he's not been there for you, he's obviously no friend and doesn't deserve your attention.I have felt this way more than Ive felt like going to see him to be honest, but I am going to try and make things right. weve got a lot of memories through our lives before the fall out and I do think he does have more underlying problems than the cancer that made him do what he did"

Now you're making excuses to explain his actions and put your mind at ease.

What if he's just an arsehole?

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Whatever you choose to do

Do it with him in mind and not because you might feel guilty if you don't go

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"what if he just dosnt answer the door,he's refused to answer anyones phone calls so far "

Go and see him. Don't regret not trying to be there for him for the rest of your life. You have three weeks to put the lost years behind you.

Write a letter. If he doesn't answer the door put it through the letter box.

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

"what if he just dosnt answer the door,he's refused to answer anyones phone calls so far

Go and see him. Don't regret not trying to be there for him for the rest of your life. You have three weeks to put the lost years behind you.

Write a letter. If he doesn't answer the door put it through the letter box.

I don't understand this thing about regret

Why should he feel regret if he doesn't go and see him?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What ever you choose to do, you'll have to live with the decision for a long time.

Personally, Id call him. Make your peace.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Bump..

Just a thankyou for all your thoughts on this thread,me and a few of the lads tried to call to see him today,only to be told by a neighbour that he is actually in hospital.We went to the hospital to see him and we got a "Well all you's can get fucked",so we left.Shame really but what else can we do.Don't think he's going to last the weekend never mind 3 weeks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You have done your best and that's all you can do. All very sad xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"You have done your best and that's all you can do. All very sad xx"
I tried

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

He is choosing how he wants to live, up to the end.

You made the effort and tgfat is laudable.

I have fallen out with old friends that I know will find the time to attend a funeral but weren't there when I needed an ear.

You made the attempt while he is still alive. Rest easy that you have tried over the years and now.

In the end we all die alone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 28/08/15 03:14:56]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Bump..

Did you see him? He knows you went. Don't think I'd want to sit and chat with people I'd fallen out with, if I only had a couple of days left. x (Hope that makes sense.)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Bump..

At least you have closure. Don't mourn him and don't waste any more of your time and emotions thinking about him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Bump..

At least you have closure. Don't mourn him and don't waste any more of your time and emotions thinking about him."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Contact him if it will give you peace x"

Yes it will be good for you both x

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

I think you did the right thing mark, but if it was me dying I wouldn't want to see people I hadn't been in touch with

Remember the fun times that you did have with him.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

Should I contact him or has too much water gone under the bridge. Mark posting by the way.Your _iews will be much appreciated."

If he didn't have three weeks to live, would you go and see him? If not, there's your answer.

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By *aneandpaulCouple
over a year ago

cleveleys

It,s a hard one think too much water gone under the bridge if you have not been friends for years why as he got in touch or does he fill guilty and wants to put things right before the end it,s a very hard one hope i am never in your shoes 50% says go but50% says remember the good time,s

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

It's a shame how this all turned out. You've done your best.

I think I'd get as many people to go to his funeral as possible just so you can listen to him spinning in his coffin.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"we all have forgiven him , its him who's keeping the fall out up"

Then leave him to it! You've tried, he's now on his last legs, probably doesn't want you to see how the cancer has ravaged him.

He alienated himself: he's allowed to do that. I'd leave him be.

Unfortunately it appears too late for least said soonest mended.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

Yes it's dreadful , but if he hasn't bothered attending the celebration of new life , why bother seeing him for his impending death ?"

This is my _iew too.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"what if he just dosnt answer the door,he's refused to answer anyones phone calls so far

If you go and he won't answer you will know you did your best. He might not want to see you.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"At a time like this I would do what feels right for you, he's dying and nothing will change that fact.

If you feel you don't want to see him then don't you are under no obligation to do so. If you feel you would regret that decision & you want to say goodbye then make contact.

Don't forget it's also his right to not want to see anyone as well.

Good luck x"

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"It's a shame your friend is dying at such a young age.

Sadly I'd say don't contact him. He's the one that ended the friendship and he's not been there for you, he's obviously no friend and doesn't deserve your attention."

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"I wouldn't get in contact

If it was me dying I'd think fuck off if people I'd fallen out with years ago came out of their woodwork to see me

I'd think it really goulish "

I'd be the same and certainly wouldn't answer the door.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"what if he just dosnt answer the door,he's refused to answer anyones phone calls so far

Go and see him. Don't regret not trying to be there for him for the rest of your life. You have three weeks to put the lost years behind you.

Write a letter. If he doesn't answer the door put it through the letter box.

I don't understand this thing about regret

Why should he feel regret if he doesn't go and see him?

I don't get it either. I waste not one nano second on anyone who doesn't care about me let alone regret.

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"Bump..

At least you have closure. Don't mourn him and don't waste any more of your time and emotions thinking about him."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Had a similar dilemma earlier this year with an old friend I had not seen for years. My decision was to write and say how sorry I was to hear her news but thst I would not intrude on her last few weeks with her family. Not sure it was the right decision as 'three weeks' turned into three months and I could have gone. It did feel a bit ghoulish tbh to seek her out because she was dying when we had not met for ten years. I guess we live by our decisions. This is s tough one and I hope it works out for you.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Bump..

Then I hope that all involved find peace. You have nothing to reproach yourself for.

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By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago

Hull

"Bump..

Tough as this sounds, but he has made the decision for you.

Despite the courageous efforts by you and your mates to see him, he doesn't feel the same way and has chosen his own decision, his own way of dealing with it.

Remember him in the happier times you had with him, don't dwell on "now" but if it helps, go to his funeral, to celebrate his life and give yourself closure. Then move on!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Bump..

Did you see him? He knows you went. Don't think I'd want to sit and chat with people I'd fallen out with, if I only had a couple of days left. x (Hope that makes sense.)"
yes we did see him fo all of 2 minutes,before we left.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 28/08/15 13:19:45]

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Hugs to you .. You did your best and with the best intentions

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By *isexmistressWoman
over a year ago

Prestwich

Id certainly see him but you need try work out what the `percieved` slight mightbe, or so it continues ..

Good luck

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By *isexmistressWoman
over a year ago

Prestwich

ps. and if you dont know WHY you fell out,then THATS what you need to ask him ...

Id probably try summat along the lines of ` there has been something bothering me for years now that i really hope you can help me with `

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Aww sad news

I'd have suggested, go see him and make peace, as you have already done this and he told you to go, best to forget it now, if you can.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He made the first move ? By calling you ?

So give him the benefit of the doubt and Pop round to see him if he answers the door I'm sure that you will have a good catch up and leave better for making piece with him !

If not as a good guy you'll probably end up with the wish I had thoughts ?

Got them for some friends I missed out on seeing before the end also with family ! It only takes a few minutes but could save any feelings of missing out ?

Which are sometimes hard to live with ??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If he doesn't want to see you then you might upset him. Can you ask a member of his family or close friend whether he would see you? Tell them you would like to see him if he is ok to see you. Saves upsetting him if he doesn't want to. That way, you've made the move and he knows you've tried but the call is ultimately his to make x

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"If he doesn't want to see you then you might upset him. Can you ask a member of his family or close friend whether he would see you? Tell them you would like to see him if he is ok to see you. Saves upsetting him if he doesn't want to. That way, you've made the move and he knows you've tried but the call is ultimately his to make x"

They went, he didn't want to see them, told them to fuck off!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A lot of people will be keeping their distance, so be braver and get in touch - it's almost certain to be appreciated. Don't make it about what's gone before though - make it about your friend!

Good luck!

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"A lot of people will be keeping their distance, so be braver and get in touch - it's almost certain to be appreciated. Don't make it about what's gone before though - make it about your friend!

Good luck!"

As above he went he was told to go forth and multiply.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes but if he doesn't want to see him and u risk upsetting him then isn't his comfort during his last days more important? Could u write a letter and pop it through the door saying you would really like to see him but leave it in his court?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Yes but if he doesn't want to see him and u risk upsetting him then isn't his comfort during his last days more important? Could u write a letter and pop it through the door saying you would really like to see him but leave it in his court?"

As above he went and was told to fuck off.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Contact him or pop round to see him.... if he doesnt answer that's his problem... at least you wont then have the regret of worrying about not making the effort when you had the chance"

Totally agree. Maybe leave a note if he doesn't answer to let him know you'require thinking of him. The choice is his then and you'be done all you can.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry to hear that the closure you were hoping for didn't happen OP.

You did what you thought was best, which is all anyone can do, so don't beat yourself up about it xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Update..my friend, well ex friend passed away tonight,thanks again for everyones _iews and input

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Hugs mate .. You did your best .. I wish I'd have a friend who cared the way you did

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Update..my friend, well ex friend passed away tonight,thanks again for everyones _iews and input

Condolences x

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

it's sad to hear that your friend passed away. I know you fell out but it was clear you still thought well of him to have gone through this dilema. At least you know that you tried tp make amends even if he was not in the right place to do so. if you hadn't of tried you would have never known what might have been possible.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And the moral of this one is clear to all .

All the posters who told the op to patch things up ( the vast majority I hasten to add ) once again got it totally wrong .

Its all very well trying to be the nice guy , but from the brief story given by tbe op it was clearly obvious he would be wasting his time .

Ah well , you live and learn I guess

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

"And the moral of this one is clear to all .

All the posters who told the op to patch things up ( the vast majority I hasten to add ) once again got it totally wrong .

Its all very well trying to be the nice guy , but from the brief story given by tbe op it was clearly obvious he would be wasting his time .

Ah well , you live and learn I guess "

they didnt get it wrong at all! there is no wrong in this type of thing, just what you want to do.

clearly the OP wanted to try and they did. now that the person has sadly passed away they will know that they tried to make amends, its just that they other party didnt feel the same way. they got an answer to their dilemma.

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By *ouple in LancashireCouple
over a year ago

in Lancashire

"And the moral of this one is clear to all .

All the posters who told the op to patch things up ( the vast majority I hasten to add ) once again got it totally wrong .

Its all very well trying to be the nice guy , but from the brief story given by tbe op it was clearly obvious he would be wasting his time .

Ah well , you live and learn I guess "

hindsight eh..

if folks had waited to see the outcome before they gave their advice /opinion then yes they would all be spot on but thats not how it works..

and the advice given was well meaning on the whole..

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By *irtyGirlWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

"And the moral of this one is clear to all .

All the posters who told the op to patch things up ( the vast majority I hasten to add ) once again got it totally wrong .

Its all very well trying to be the nice guy , but from the brief story given by tbe op it was clearly obvious he would be wasting his time .

Ah well , you live and learn I guess "

I'd stick by my advice... it may not have been the outcome hoped for but I don't think those who encouraged him to try and make amends were wrong. I'm pretty sure the thread was posted for opinions but the OP did what he'd have done regardless of what anyone else advised.

To the OP... I'm sorry that your friend passed and you weren't able to mend your friendship. I hope you're okay and don't consider trying a waste of your time. x

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

That is sad

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By *iss_tressWoman
over a year ago

London

"Update..my friend, well ex friend passed away tonight,thanks again for everyones _iews and input

You tried: I wouldn't have bothered, but it was important to you. Unfortunately you didn't get the outcome you wished which is sad x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"And the moral of this one is clear to all .

All the posters who told the op to patch things up ( the vast majority I hasten to add ) once again got it totally wrong .

Its all very well trying to be the nice guy , but from the brief story given by tbe op it was clearly obvious he would be wasting his time .

Ah well , you live and learn I guess

To the OP... I'm sorry that your friend passed and you weren't able to mend your friendship. I hope you're okay and don't consider trying a waste of your time. x"
Hi all again,im fine thank you, its sad that we couldn't patch things up with him,but that's what he wanted.It came about last night he does not have any life insurance,and now the lads are saying , shall we chip in and pay for his funeral and also who is going to his funeral.I have made the decision that that's it for me, I tried and he didn't want to know and wanted to be left to his own devices.So with a heavy heart that's what im going to do

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Hi all again,im fine thank you, its sad that we couldn't patch things up with him,but that's what he wanted.It came about last night he does not have any life insurance,and now the lads are saying , shall we chip in and pay for his funeral and also who is going to his funeral.I have made the decision that that's it for me, I tried and he didn't want to know and wanted to be left to his own devices.So with a heavy heart that's what im going to do

You tried, your conscience is clear. He let it get too deep under his skin and there's nothing you can do about it.

If it was me I wouldn't go to the funeral, but your shout on that one.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Im not going , sorry I probably wasn't very clear in my message,and thanks again

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"And the moral of this one is clear to all .

All the posters who told the op to patch things up ( the vast majority I hasten to add ) once again got it totally wrong .

Its all very well trying to be the nice guy , but from the brief story given by tbe op it was clearly obvious he would be wasting his time .

Ah well , you live and learn I guess

To the OP... I'm sorry that your friend passed and you weren't able to mend your friendship. I hope you're okay and don't consider trying a waste of your time. xHi all again,im fine thank you, its sad that we couldn't patch things up with him,but that's what he wanted.It came about last night he does not have any life insurance,and now the lads are saying , shall we chip in and pay for his funeral and also who is going to his funeral.I have made the decision that that's it for me, I tried and he didn't want to know and wanted to be left to his own devices.So with a heavy heart that's what im going to do

You've done what you could and what's right for you nobody can ask more of themself.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And the moral of this one is clear to all .

All the posters who told the op to patch things up ( the vast majority I hasten to add ) once again got it totally wrong .

Its all very well trying to be the nice guy , but from the brief story given by tbe op it was clearly obvious he would be wasting his time .

Ah well , you live and learn I guess "

You are to put it bluntly, wrong.

The advice given was correct, even with the hindsight of discovering that the guy didn't want to see them. The advice was not for the guy, it was for the OP. HE got the benefit of the visit, as now HE knows where he stood and won't be torturing himself for years over whether he should have gone or not.

Now HE knows the full situation and the weight is off from his soul and he can continue his own life with a clear conscience.

So, the advice was 100% correct.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

im sure he is looking at stuff past and present in a different light right now - it would be a nice thing to do to get in touch -

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

He's Dead

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

and now ive read all the thread - derrr

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"and now ive read all the thread - derrr "
No worries

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Should I contact him or has too much water gone under the bridge. Mark posting by the way.Your _iews will be much appreciated."
even if he doesn't appreciate you contacting him its the right thing to do to say hi if you liked him anyways

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

He has Died

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Hi, the thing to remember is that you went, you made the effort. Maybe the outcome was not what you would have liked but still a positive one as you can at least know that you did what you could and it was his refusal. Imagine now if you had not gone. You never would know if you should have gone. It would have bothered you.

I recently lost a friend last year, known for all my life (apart from two years as I was born in 72 and he moved into our road in 74). Considering that although I moved house I just moved next door out of mom n dads which actually was one door closer. His health deteriorated and a long story but I was the only one who bothered about him. No one ever visited him but we were on the phone most nights for an hour or so and on Saturday it was chippy night and I took got his for him. When he never answered the door I was concerned. A short while after I had to smash his back door and I found him dead. There was no will, nothing. No family cared (well they di afterwards knowing if no will they would get the lot). I traced his family grave and organised his funeral and a lot lot more. This was all done for the love of my friend as I knew with no will I would not benefit in any other way. A year on and we saw the house go up for sale at the auction, we are aware that the grave stone will go back and not one family member came forward to put his name on the stone. It has made me accept it a little more that I did what I could. His died with breathing problems and had oxygen but never used it despite me trying.

A long way of saying ..... You did what you could do. When trying to help someone or be there for someone, if they do not want it or turn you away you can walk away and say. I did my best.

We think you really did the right thing. You now that you did all you could do. Even when being told to fuck off you still did what was asked and left.

I am unaware if the funeral has taken place but...

If you do not go then it is your way of saying goodbye and because you chose to. So a good option.

If you do not go then you are doing what your friend appeared to want. So also a good idea.

My choice would be, wake up on the day of the funeral and go with your gut reaction. Go or don't go, there is no right answer from anyone.

It is exactly how you feel and as your friend will not know there is no right and wrong whatever your choice is.

Stay strong.

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