FabSwingers.com forum: great comedy quotes

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Just been watching Only fools & Horses, where Rodney says hes' gone into the holiday trade with Micky Pearce, And Grandad says "With £200 what you got a Wendy House"

Classic

What one liners or Quotes do you love from the world of Comedy

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By *ushandkittyCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

my current favourites are "you can't solve everything with violence.........it's not the muppets!" and "looks like someone left the gate open at the cunt farm!"

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

'There's nobody here but us chickens'

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By *igeiaWoman
over a year ago

Bristol

Monty, you terrible cunt!

And Trigger made a face...

There's no real evidence for it, but it is scientific fact.

What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" please try to understand before one of us dies", Basil Fawlty to Manuel.

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By *ushandkittyCouple
over a year ago

Gloucester

"" please try to understand before one of us dies", Basil Fawlty to Manuel.

There is too much butter on those trays.

No. No, no, Uno, dos, tres

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whenever a male stripper takes their clothes off, they’ve still got, like, a fireman’s hat on, or a tool belt on, or a policeman’s gun on a holster, right? Because even when a man’s naked, a woman wants to know that he has a job!

I just love Jim

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"When I said I wanted to be a comedian they laughed .... They're not laughing now!" -- Bob Monkhouse

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

'Here they are Ant & Dec, can't speak a word of the queens but they can knock the shit out of a chicken chop suey quicker than you can say triad"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"" please try to understand before one of us dies", Basil Fawlty to Manuel.

There is too much butter on those trays.

No. No, no, Uno, dos, tres

" I could spend the rest of my life having this conversation".

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By *errynjuneCouple
over a year ago

Barnsley

"Oi Fakir off!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" I was seventeen miles from Greybridge, before I was caught by the School Leopard", anybody?

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By *uitar_antiheroMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

"If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer" - Ace Ventura

"I can handle it, handle is my middle name. Actually, it's the middle part of my first name" - Chander Bing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

""Oi Fakir off!""

Is that from Carry on up the Khyber?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Gentlemen.you can't fight in here.this is the war room."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

See the little goblin See his little feet See his nosey wosey Isn’t the goblin sweet? Mr Blackadder

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By *ippcoupe2Couple
over a year ago

cahir/cashel

'He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!' (in Monty Python's Life Of Brian)

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By *errynjuneCouple
over a year ago

Barnsley

""Oi Fakir off!"

Is that from Carry on up the Khyber?

Lol they were always trying to push the limits and see what they could sneak past the censor.

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By *verysmileMan
over a year ago

Canterbury

I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's not a purse, it's a satchel. Indiana Jones has one. - The hangover

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By *igeiaWoman
over a year ago

Bristol

"" I was seventeen miles from Greybridge, before I was caught by the School Leopard", anybody?

Ripping Yarns. Ace.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

infamy infamy they've all got it in for me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

in life some of us get to be the pigeon, some of get to be the statue, am afraid your the statue today... ricky gervaise the office

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

she's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a mans tonsils.

in fact, any lord flasheart quote.

WOOF!

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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

"infamy infamy they've all got it in for me"
kenneth williams carry on screaming

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Smeeee heeeeee

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By *utty_JiggleCouple
over a year ago

Black Country

"Smeeee heeeeee

Kyrten, Red dwarf by any chance?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Triggers Broom

Trigger claims that he's had his road sweeper's broom for 20 years. But then he adds that the broom has had 17 new heads and 14 new handles.

"How can it be the same bloody broom then?" asks Sid the café owner. Trigger produces a picture of him and his broom and asks: "what more proof do you need?"

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

Rik... "Vivian, I didn't know your mum was a bartender lady?"

Vivian... "Last time I saw her she was a shoplifter"

C...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just about anything in 'Spaced'...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"'There's nobody here but us chickens'

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By *ELLONS AND CREAMWoman
over a year ago

stourbridge area

Four candles .....

Two ronnies .....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Four candles .....

Two ronnies ....."

Damn you I was just going to say that!! Classic

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By *errynjuneCouple
over a year ago

Barnsley

Mr flibble says "game over boys"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"infamy infamy they've all got it in for mekenneth williams carry on screaming "

Think it was frankie Howerd , in up Pompeii

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tis but a scratch

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By *uyfromchiMan
over a year ago

CHICHESTER

"I was once weak man"

Once a weak is enough for any man

Carry on

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

"infamy infamy they've all got it in for mekenneth williams carry on screaming

Think it was frankie Howerd , in up Pompeii "
it was Kenneth Williams in carry on Cleo

C...

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By *r and mrs sanddancerCouple
over a year ago

BOLDON COLLIERY

"infamy infamy they've all got it in for mekenneth williams carry on screaming

Think it was frankie Howerd , in up Pompeii it was Kenneth Williams in carry on Cleo

C..."

Just beat me to it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"infamy infamy they've all got it in for mekenneth williams carry on screaming

Think it was frankie Howerd , in up Pompeii it was Kenneth Williams in carry on Cleo

C...

Just beat me to it

it was keneth williams in carry on cleo

played the roman zeasar

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By *ampWithABrainWoman
over a year ago

Glasgow

"I'm not so good with the advice...can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

"No you didn't get me! You get me you kill me!!" Both chandler friends

I also loved carol when pregnant with Ben at birthing class "I'm not doing THAT" I was pregnant too and could so relate

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A classic try and beat this?

U CAN'T!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dmhF1rqaZk

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only fools classic

Trigger and his broom

With 17 new handles and 14 new heads lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do expect to see ( out the window of the hotel) The Hanging Gardens of Babylon?

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By *effrey45Man
over a year ago

Lytham

"" I was seventeen miles from Greybridge, before I was caught by the School Leopard", anybody?

Ripping yarns, Michael pailing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Your name will also go on the list! What is it? " ..................

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

“I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr. Poopy Pants?”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

""Your name will also go on the list! What is it? " .................."
dads army

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't tell them Pike!

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By *isdirtygirlCouple
over a year ago

somewhere out there

"'He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!' (in Monty Python's Life Of Brian)"

Love that film! DG

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"" I was seventeen miles from Greybridge, before I was caught by the School Leopard", anybody?

Ripping Yarns. Ace."

Nice one, never understood why it didn't do very well.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" That's sweating lunatic. Iggy Pop", Alan Partridge after playing his song on air, lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Smeeee heeeeee

Kyrten, Red dwarf by any chance?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why don't you name him Rodney after dave

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why don't you name him Rodney after dave "

Good old Trig.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" I'm leg disabled", Roy - IT crowd.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Welease Wodewick!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This Mr Stay Puft is ok. He's a sailor. He's in New York. If we get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble." - Ghostbusters

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"'There's nobody here but us chickens'

That's a blast from the past, with the secutity guards

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"'There's nobody here but us chickens'

That's a blast from the past, with the secutity guards

That quote was in an episode of Doctor Who as well in The Empty Child.

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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

What are the chances of you winning the lottery?

50/50

How do you work that out?

I either win it or I don't.

Plebs (got to love the logic of the stupid).

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why don't you name him Rodney after dave

Good old Trig.

In the Nags Head and Mike asked what Del is going to call his baby. Trigger replied

"if its a girl they are going to call it after Rachel but if its a boy they will call him Rodney after Dave" - absolute classic.

Another is when Del n Rodney became millionaires and Rodney bought Del a Rolls Royce. Back in Nags Head Rodney offered to buy everyone a drink and some sandwiches when Del intervenes and say " no Rodders I will buy the sandwiches after all you bought the Rolls" classic play on words. O'Sullivan was gifted!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well, I gather he was as d*unk as a lord, so after a discreet interval, they’ll probably make him one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This is an EX parrot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why don't you name him Rodney after dave

Good old Trig.

In the Nags Head and Mike asked what Del is going to call his baby. Trigger replied

"if its a girl they are going to call it after Rachel but if its a boy they will call him Rodney after Dave" - absolute classic.

I remember it well, do you remember when he said he'd had the same broom since he started, in that time it's had 14 new heads, and seventeen new handles? lol, Trig was a classic .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bastard!!! All right, own up up who took it? It's not like they grow on trees or anything like that.

Calm down Rick, what've you lost?

I had half an apple in that fridge.

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By *ifornowCouple
over a year ago

Skegness

What a fucking liberty !

Nan in the Catherine Tate show.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What about when their all sat round the table in the Nags Head and Rodney mentions things you dont see anymore.Trigger pipes up "Gandhi".They all look up and he says "yeah he only made one film and you never heard of him again".absolute classic British comedy at its best.

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By *p4funCouple
over a year ago

Plymouth

"She likes the taste of a man's tonsils haaa !" " Flash by name flash by nature woof !!" Lol still cry with laughter now ! RIP Rik X

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By *opping_candyWoman
over a year ago

West Yorkshire

"Just about anything in 'Spaced'..."

LOVE Spaced

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ohhh Neil...Neil,

Orange peel!

If only I could see you again!!

Hello Rick!

Aaaaaaghhhhh!

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By *otlovefun42Couple
over a year ago

Costa Blanca Spain...

"infamy infamy they've all got it in for mekenneth williams carry on screaming "

Kenneth Williams yes. But if I remember correctly it was Carry on Cleo. Williams as Julius Caesar.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

'Twins' Danny DeVito and Arnie....Danny DeVito 'mess with me, mess with my family' (on Arnie throwing the bad guys into elevator). Only fools & horses, Rodney 'knowing my luck, I'll come back as me' (re-incarnation). Lots more out there but at the moment, they're the ones that spring to mind

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Gotta be thin blue lines, "I don't want any cock ups. your cock up, my arse!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You don't HAVE to follow anyone!

Your all different!

YES! WERE ALL DIFFERENT!!!....I'm not!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Alexei Sayle as a train driver being held up by Mexican bandits.

"...there's your Bourbons, your Garibaldi's and your Peak Frean Trotsky assortment. It's amazing when you think how many biscuits are named after Italian revolutionaries..."

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By *layfull pairingCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

Surely u cant be serious .....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" I can smell her chips.." anyone know that one from Ade Edmonson?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Alexei Sayle as a train driver being held up by Mexican bandits.

"...there's your Bourbons, your Garibaldi's and your Peak Frean Trotsky assortment. It's amazing when you think how many biscuits are named after Italian revolutionaries...""

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"" I can smell her chips.." anyone know that one from Ade Edmonson?

Sounds like something from bottom to me. Ooer Mrs!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"" I can smell her chips.." anyone know that one from Ade Edmonson?

Sounds like something from bottom to me. Ooer Mrs!"

' Gregory, diary of a nutcase', it was a Comic Strip film based on 'Silence of the lambs', " I can smell your chips",

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"" I can smell her chips.." anyone know that one from Ade Edmonson?

Sounds like something from bottom to me. Ooer Mrs!

' Gregory, diary of a nutcase', it was a Comic Strip film based on 'Silence of the lambs', " I can smell your chips",

I haven't seen that one. The last one I saw was the four guys on a plane that crashes in the desert. Can't remember the name of it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"" I can smell her chips.." anyone know that one from Ade Edmonson?

Sounds like something from bottom to me. Ooer Mrs!

' Gregory, diary of a nutcase', it was a Comic Strip film based on 'Silence of the lambs', " I can smell your chips",

I haven't seen that one. The last one I saw was the four guys on a plane that crashes in the desert. Can't remember the name of it."

I think it was called ' Four men in a plane', lol, check out Gregory if you can.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"" I can smell her chips.." anyone know that one from Ade Edmonson?

Sounds like something from bottom to me. Ooer Mrs!

' Gregory, diary of a nutcase', it was a Comic Strip film based on 'Silence of the lambs', " I can smell your chips",

I haven't seen that one. The last one I saw was the four guys on a plane that crashes in the desert. Can't remember the name of it.

I think it was called ' Four men in a plane', lol, check out Gregory if you can.

Always happy to see Edmonson playing a nutter. It's his forte. Did you know Edina Monsoon was a play on his name,?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"" I can smell her chips.." anyone know that one from Ade Edmonson?

Sounds like something from bottom to me. Ooer Mrs!

' Gregory, diary of a nutcase', it was a Comic Strip film based on 'Silence of the lambs', " I can smell your chips",

I haven't seen that one. The last one I saw was the four guys on a plane that crashes in the desert. Can't remember the name of it.

I think it was called ' Four men in a plane', lol, check out Gregory if you can.

Always happy to see Edmonson playing a nutter. It's his forte. Did you know Edina Monsoon was a play on his name,?"

I didn't know that, bless 'em both.

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By *ackspopCouple
over a year ago

Wymondham

"All right... all right... but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order... what have the Romans done for us?"

Monty Python's The Life of Brian

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

""All right... all right... but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order... what have the Romans done for us?"

Monty Python's The Life of Brian"

" brought peace"

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By *ackspopCouple
over a year ago

Wymondham

Or anything by Peter Capaldi as Malcolm Tucker:

"No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He's as useless as a marzipan dildo."

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By *ackspopCouple
over a year ago

Wymondham

Monty Python's The Life of Brian

" brought peace"

"Oh,shut up"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Monty Python's The Life of Brian

" brought peace"

"Oh,shut up""

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have principles.....and if you don't like them I have others

Groucho Marx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have principles.....and if you don't like them I have others

Groucho Marx"

He came out with some great ones, " I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member",

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have principles.....and if you don't like them I have others

Groucho Marx

He came out with some great ones, " I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member",

Either this man's dead, or my watch has stopped.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This man needs to get to a hospital!.

A hospital! What is it?

It's a big building with lots of doctors and nurses but that's not important right now, what is important is that he gets medical treatment.

Surely you can't be serious?

Yes I am, and don't call me Shirley

Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have principles.....and if you don't like them I have others

Groucho Marx

He came out with some great ones, " I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member",

Either this man's dead, or my watch has stopped."

pmsl

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This one was my favourite from Monty Python's Life of Brian

"Are you the Judean People's Front?"

"Fuck off!"

lmao

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not intended as a comedy qozte but I will never forget that scene in Game of thrones when the slaver says "OK the dwarf lives, until we can find a cock merchant"

Cried with laughter for a good half hour

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"infamy infamy they've all got it in for me"

One of my favourites. Im crap at remember ing funny quotes though

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This man needs to get to a hospital!.

A hospital! What is it?

It's a big building with lots of doctors and nurses but that's not important right now, what is important is that he gets medical treatment.

Surely you can't be serious?

Yes I am, and don't call me Shirley

Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

Airplane and apologies if someone already said this. I didnt scan all the way down. such a funny film

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have principles.....and if you don't like them I have others

Groucho Marx"

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening,and this wasn't it.

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By *lligator3Man
over a year ago

Dundee

I'm here to kick ass and drink milk....

And guess what?!...I've just finished my milk!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cringey but bloody brilliant lines from Rita Sue and Bob Too:

Rita's Asian Boyfriend

"I can't help being a paki"

Rita's Racist Dad

"Yes you fucking can!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I have principles.....and if you don't like them I have others

Groucho Marx

He came out with some great ones, " I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member",

Either this man's dead, or my watch has stopped.

pmsl

"
or another Groucho classic."i didnt come here to be insulted"."why where do you normally go"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Homer: I am so smart. I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T

i had a dream that i was awake and i woke up to find myself asleep ? stan laurel

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nice beaver!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Nice beaver!!!!"

" I had it stuffed recently".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Doctor asking DelBoy if he has problems passing water... "I had a dizzy spell driving over Tower Bridge once"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why am I talking to you, you're Neanderthal!

As Moses said to his people, let's get the flock out of here.

It takes two to lie, 1 to lie, 1 to listen.

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By *hattyman80Man
over a year ago

stockport

I love lamp!! - anchorman

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

""Your name will also go on the list! What is it? " .................."

Dads army...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" perfume ponce!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

" You know, you're gonna look kinda funny trying to eat corn on the cob with no FUCKING TEETH!!"

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By *azNdavCouple
over a year ago

barnsley

Look just because they call me Mr jolly doesn't mean I have to be jolly all the fucking time.

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By *hanetMale41Man
over a year ago

ramsgate

In Only Fools n Horses, Del n Rodney are in a club trying to impress a couple of females, Del makes out Rodney is semi pro tennis player.

Girl: so Rodney, which do you prefer, Grass or Astro turf

Rodney, eerr i dunno, i've never tried smoking Astro turf

Pmsl

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By *inky-MinxWoman
over a year ago

Grantham

I'm rubbish at this sort of thing, never remember movie lines

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By *angersgaloreCouple
over a year ago

Northamptonshire/Warwickshire border

He's so far back in the closet he's in fucking Narnia!

Gimme Gimme Gimme

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By *ucyfur77Woman
over a year ago

Pleasuretown

Anything from The IT Crowd or Withnail and I

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By *isexmistressWoman
over a year ago

Prestwich

`We are gonna need a bigger boat`

and

`thats the problem with this place Mr.Mackay..its full of thieves`

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

listen sunshine. i am playing all of the rights notes, but not necessarily in the right order.

c'mon fletcher, tell me where you put the soil from the tunnel.- well mr mckay, we dug another tunnel and put it in there.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you see dougal. small, far away. small, far away.

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By *lligator3Man
over a year ago

Dundee

Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?

He's Caucasian....

...Caucasian?

..Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.

...Thats an awfully big moustache.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sybil: If I find out the money on that horse was yours, you know what I'll do Basil.

Basil: You'll have to sow 'em back on first!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mickey flannigans....casual cunting! = genius

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By *errygTV/TS
over a year ago

denton

blackadder goes forth firing squad, joke we aim to please, requests yes inbetween the words aim and fire leave a gap of say 40 years

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By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

Does your dog bite?

no my dog does not bite

(Goes to stroke the dog which tries to bite him)

You said your dog did not bite!!

that is not my dog

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By *andybeachWoman
over a year ago

In the middle

"Mickey flannigans....casual cunting! = genius "

I wasn't going out out, I was just going out, now get this I'm out out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only fools and horses when trigger says : this brush has had 17 new heads and 14 new handles

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Does your dog bite?

no my dog does not bite

(Goes to stroke the dog which tries to bite him)

You said your dog did not bite!!

that is not my dog

My favourite Pink Panther film,lol

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By *onny MCMan
over a year ago

Crawley

Favourite Groucho quote is still his response to "What do you think you're doing?" "Madam I'm defending your honour - which frankly is more than you ever did"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Not a quote as such But the Fanny Scmeller question on the chase with Bradley Walsh was piss yourself funny

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By *et a roomCouple
over a year ago

Leeds

"What do expect to see ( out the window of the hotel) The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fuzzy wuzzy was a woman?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have had a wonderful evening , sadly it wasn't this one

.... Groucho Marx

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By *arold_n_maudeCouple
over a year ago

preston

Lose.....your......furniture

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By *hil and AnnieMan
over a year ago

Stafford

I fart in your general direction

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't tell em your name, Pike!

Brilliant!

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