FabSwingers.com forum: Wittiness

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I love reading some of the witty post on the forums and having a giggle so please can we have a nice witty thread for me to giggle at, maybe some jokes too (I love them but can't tell them)

Over to you guys, please make me laugh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 30/07/15 15:19:56]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why was the elephant swimming naked?....

He forgot his trunk!

Told to me by my 3yr old...

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

"'Ere," on say t'other, " does this taste funny to you?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two monkeys in the bath, one monkey goes "ooh ooh aah ooh ooh aah" the other monkey says "well put some cold in then you daft ape"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When is a gnome not a gnome? When his head is up snow whites dress. .... then he's a gobbling.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What has 20 eyes and 3 teeth?

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By *ordonBennettMan
over a year ago

dover

To catch a bus.....

First you must think like a bus..

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

A vampire bat turns to his mate and says, 'gosh I'm hungry, go to have to get some blood'.

His mate replies, 'you can't, it's broad daylight, you'll never find any'.

The other said, ' I'm going to have to go' and flew off.

10 minutes later he's back, face covered in blood.

His mate asked, 'you got some then?'

The other just gesticulated for him to follow him to the mouth of the cave.

'See that oak tree?' he asked.

'No,' was the reply.

'Neither did I.'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What has 20 eyes and 3 teeth?"

The que for Jeremy kyle.

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By *hynewguy2012Man
over a year ago

dartford

The man who wrote the okey y song died last week.

It took them 3 hours to put him in his coffin.

They put his left leg in... Left leg out... In out in out and shake it all about

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's a lesbian dinosaur called?

Lickalottopuss

Taxi!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was at tesco yesterday and a woman dropped dead right in front of me....I felt really sorry for her, she had just bought a bag for life!!!

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"The man who wrote the okey y song died last week.

It took them 3 hours to put him in his coffin.

They put his left leg in... Left leg out... In out in out and shake it all about

I sleep like a baby...

I wake up screaming at 2:30 every morning

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

"What has 20 eyes and 3 teeth?

The que for Jeremy kyle."

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By *opinovMan
over a year ago

Point Nemo, Cumbria

Wittiness... called to give evidence at the trial of a clown.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I was at tesco yesterday and a woman dropped dead right in front of me....I felt really sorry for her, she had just bought a bag for life!!!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Why was the elephant swimming naked?....

He forgot his trunk!

Told to me by my 3yr old...

love it, you have a very clever 3yr old

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Got this on a WhatsApp message today and made me giggle :

-It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

-A human hair can hold 3kg in weight.

-The length of a penis is three times the length of a man's thumb.

-The femur is hard as concrete.

-A woman's heart beats faster than a man's heart.

-We use 300 muscles to keep balance when we stand.

Most women have read this entire text. Some men are still looking at their thumbs.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Anna realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Got this on a WhatsApp message today and made me giggle :

-It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

-A human hair can hold 3kg in weight.

-The length of a penis is three times the length of a man's thumb.

-The femur is hard as concrete.

-A woman's heart beats faster than a man's heart.

-We use 300 muscles to keep balance when we stand.

Most women have read this entire text. Some men are still looking at their thumbs.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me I'm going in

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sex with 3 people is called a threesome.

Sex with 2 people is called a twosome.

That explains why they call me handsome!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Got this on a WhatsApp message today and made me giggle :

-It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

-A human hair can hold 3kg in weight.

-The length of a penis is three times the length of a man's thumb.

-The femur is hard as concrete.

-A woman's heart beats faster than a man's heart.

-We use 300 muscles to keep balance when we stand.

Most women have read this entire text. Some men are still looking at their thumbs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Police came round to my house today, and told me that my dog was chasing someone on a bike.

I told them it cant be my dog, as my dog doesn't even have a bike.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Brasseye - Darcus Howe - Delcine - Zeitguest

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vou_Ani-lKE

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Got this on a WhatsApp message today and made me giggle :

-It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

-A human hair can hold 3kg in weight.

-The length of a penis is three times the length of a man's thumb.

-The femur is hard as concrete.

-A woman's heart beats faster than a man's heart.

-We use 300 muscles to keep balance when we stand.

Most women have read this entire text. Some men are still looking at their thumbs.

A man arrives 10 minutes late for work, and is confronted by his furious boss

'What time do you call THIS?!' he booms

'Sir I'm really sorry, I was up good and early, because I had to take my wife to work first. She was ready in five minutes, then we got stuck in traffic, followed by roadworks, then a meteor shower struck so we had to take a detour, then I was kidnapped by Aliens and had to fight my way free and use their teleporter to get back to Earth, I was running terribly late by the time I arrived that I sped over an opening bridge and JUST managed to leap it! That's why I'm 10 minutes late sir.'

'Ha, do you take me for a fool?' replies his boss

'No woman can get ready in five minutes!'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was once in a band, lovely little 2 piece duo called the symbollics, then sym left.........

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By *hynewguy2012Man
over a year ago

dartford

I asked a chinese girl for her number.

She said... Sex sex sex free sex tonight.

Wow i thought... Im in here.

Then her friend said

She means 666-3629

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Which dinosaur has the biggest vocabulary?

A Thesaurus.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a blind dinosaur,,,,,,, a Didyouthinkhesaurs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The man who wrote the okey y song died last week.

It took them 3 hours to put him in his coffin.

They put his left leg in... Left leg out... In out in out and shake it all about

I sleep like a baby...

I wake up screaming at 2:30 every morning"

And realise you have shat yourself?

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

This one was on TwitTwat and it made me laugh:

What do you call the security guards outside the Samsung shop?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Q. What was Forrest Gump's email password?

A. 1forrest1

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"This one was on TwitTwat and it made me laugh:

What do you call the security guards outside the Samsung shop?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

Lol

Have a break - have a kumquat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Shopworker feels horny and decides to have a wank there and then. Frapping away he hears the owner approaching, he panics and shoves his cock in the till.

"You look happy!" says the owner.

"Yeah," replies the worker, "I've just come into some money."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he acciedently bumbs into a woman besides him, and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite starled. The man turns to her and says, "ma'am if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me". She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, im in room 436.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Q. What was Forrest Gump's email password?

A. 1forrest1"

I might even remember that one.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What has 20 eyes and 3 teeth?

The que for Jeremy kyle."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why is there no pain killers in the jungle??? Because the parrots ate em all (paracetamol)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q. Three tampons are walking down the street. Which one talks to you ?

A. None of them because they are all stuck up cunts.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you make a bear cross?

Nail two together

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you make a witch itch ?

Take away the W

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By *lay4RealCouple
over a year ago

London

got this from whatsapp:

..A couple decided to commit suicide after going through a really hard time...So they decided to jump off a building. When they got to the top of building, they both counted 3..The woman jumped but the man stayed. He watched her fall for 3 seconds and saw her pull out a parachute. Who Betrayed Who..?

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By *nFairnessMan
over a year ago

The Four Corners

*cringes* i'm going to have to change my definition of wittiness i think.

OP you'll find wittiness only works in context.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"*cringes* i'm going to have to change my definition of wittiness i think.

OP you'll find wittiness only works in context. "

The Op did ask for jokes too in her opening post.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"got this from whatsapp:

I said witty

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"*cringes* i'm going to have to change my definition of wittiness i think.

OP you'll find wittiness only works in context.

The Op did ask for jokes too in her opening post.

I did

They've made me laugh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"*cringes* i'm going to have to change my definition of wittiness i think.

OP you'll find wittiness only works in context.

The Op did ask for jokes too in her opening post.

Assuming it was she and not he posting. X

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By *entaur_UKMan
over a year ago

Cannock

"Two cannibals are eating a clown.

"'Ere," one say t'other, " does this taste funny to you?""

Then one said...."Ere, ear?" To which the other one replied...."no I already had one, that one's yours".

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"*cringes* i'm going to have to change my definition of wittiness i think.

OP you'll find wittiness only works in context.

The Op did ask for jokes too in her opening post.

Assuming it was she and not he posting. X"

it always is, Mr doesn't use the forums often

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Two cannibals are eating a clown.

"'Ere," one say t'other, " does this taste funny to you?"

Then one said...."Ere, ear?" To which the other one replied...."no I already had one, that one's yours". "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to the National Air and Space Museum at the weekend. It was rubbish, there's nothing there!

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"Two cannibals are eating a clown.

"'Ere," one say t'other, " does this taste funny to you?"

Then one said...."Ere, ear?" To which the other one replied...."no I already had one, that one's yours".

Touché

*doffs bowler*

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

****NSFW***** BAD TASTE ALERT****

Whats the difference between period blood and sand?

I cant gargle sand.

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

I've got a joke so bad I can't even post it :o

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"****NSFW***** BAD TASTE ALERT****

Whats the difference between period blood and sand?

I cant gargle sand."

did you have to

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I've got a joke so bad I can't even post it :o"

Now I want to know what it is

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"I've got a joke so bad I can't even post it :o

Now I want to know what it is "

Someone will get offended

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've got a joke so bad I can't even post it :o

Now I want to know what it is

Someone will get offended"

Pm me the joke..my soh is pretty warped

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh....I thought the op had misspelt witness. ...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"****NSFW***** BAD TASTE ALERT****

Whats the difference between period blood and sand?

I cant gargle sand.

did you have to

Sorry it was the last joke I heard

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"****NSFW***** BAD TASTE ALERT****

Whats the difference between period blood and sand?

I cant gargle sand.

did you have to

Sorry it was the last joke I heard"

Where do you hear your jokes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"****NSFW***** BAD TASTE ALERT****

Whats the difference between period blood and sand?

I cant gargle sand.

did you have to

Sorry it was the last joke I heard

Where do you hear your jokes

Thats tame compared to the banter at work

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"****NSFW***** BAD TASTE ALERT****

Whats the difference between period blood and sand?

I cant gargle sand.

did you have to

Sorry it was the last joke I heard

Where do you hear your jokes

Thats tame compared to the banter at work

Ok I believe you, don't post anymore of those 1s

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"****NSFW***** BAD TASTE ALERT****

Whats the difference between period blood and sand?

I cant gargle sand.

did you have to

Sorry it was the last joke I heard

Where do you hear your jokes

Thats tame compared to the banter at work

Ok I believe you, don't post anymore of those 1s

It was once brought up in my friends annual review that in the works canteen he had managed to get buggery and disembowelment into the same sentence...

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

All my own work.

Why is it only OAPs and Pharoahs get taken in by Pyramid selling schemes?

Russian names. Ivan – a terrible name. Peter - a Great name. Rasputin – still a silly name that will get your kid beaten up in the playground, whichever way you look at it.

Pilates, training OAPs to be slow motion ninjas. Ideal if Steve Austin tries to mug them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was exercising my greyhound in the park and this guy comes over and says "he's fast have you ever considered racing him ?" I replied " fuck that never again I tried it once ended up in an oxygen tent then 3 days in hospital " x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"****NSFW***** BAD TASTE ALERT****

Whats the difference between period blood and sand?

I cant gargle sand.

did you have to

Sorry it was the last joke I heard

Where do you hear your jokes

Thats tame compared to the banter at work

Ok I believe you, don't post anymore of those 1s

It was once brought up in my friends annual review that in the works canteen he had managed to get buggery and disembowelment into the same sentence..."

I wouldn't want be a fly on the wall in that canteen then

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

There are two Lions stalking through the Savannah one day.

One Lion turns to the other and says "Hey, why the long face?"

The other Lion turns round and replies "My teeth are hurting but I'm too scared to go to the dentist."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"*cringes* i'm going to have to change my definition of wittiness i think.

OP you'll find wittiness only works in context.

The Op did ask for jokes too in her opening post.

Assuming it was she and not he posting. X

it always is, Mr doesn't use the forums often

Snap xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"*cringes* i'm going to have to change my definition of wittiness i think.

OP you'll find wittiness only works in context.

The Op did ask for jokes too in her opening post.

Assuming it was she and not he posting. X

it always is, Mr doesn't use the forums often

Snap xx"

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By *opinovMan
over a year ago

Point Nemo, Cumbria

I had a fairy tale wedding..

Grim.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ask me if I'm a lorry driver...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"There are two Lions stalking through the Savannah one day.

One Lion turns to the other and says "Hey, why the long face?"

The other Lion turns round and replies "My teeth are hurting but I'm too scared to go to the dentist."

Too soon

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman
over a year ago

King's Crustacean

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Ask me if I'm a lorry driver..."

Are you a lorry driver?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ask me if I'm a lorry driver...

Are you a lorry driver?"

No.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order.""

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Ask me if I'm a lorry driver...

Are you a lorry driver?

No."

ok I fell for that 1

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I thought this thread was about being witty.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are women better than men?

They can bury a stiff without a shovel, bleed for a week without dying and produce milk without eating grass.

And get a meet on Fab

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I thought this thread was about being witty.

And telling jokes, people like to tell jokes more obviously

Feel free to add some wit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

WOMAN'S DIARY - 27 June 2009 Saturday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been

shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him,

thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I

suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued

and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. All

through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and

didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I

just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He

hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half

shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of

silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around

him and told him that I loved him deeply, he just gave a sigh and a sad

sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,

to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit

cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's

found someone else.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MAN'S DIARY - Saturday 27 June

We lost the rugby. Gutted. Got laid though

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I was at tesco yesterday and a woman dropped dead right in front of me....I felt really sorry for her, she had just bought a bag for life!!!"

PMSL, i got this far down in the thread before I actually laughed out loud. Very funny te he, appeals to my sense of humour xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Got this on a WhatsApp message today and made me giggle :

-It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

-A human hair can hold 3kg in weight.

-The length of a penis is three times the length of a man's thumb.

-The femur is hard as concrete.

-A woman's heart beats faster than a man's heart.

-We use 300 muscles to keep balance when we stand.

Most women have read this entire text. Some men are still looking at their thumbs.

OMG is actually crying at this lol lol lol xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Ask me if I'm a lorry driver...

Are you a lorry driver?

No.

ok I fell for that 1"

Much better in person...need the quizzical look and dramatic pause before the deadpan delivery

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I thought this thread was about being witty.

And telling jokes, people like to tell jokes more obviously

Feel free to add some wit

I just feel a bit robbed is all.

Could a mod please rename this thread "silly jokes".

Thanks.

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By *eliciousladyWoman
over a year ago

Sometimes U.K

Computer: Enter new password

Me: 'Beef Stew'

Computer: Sorry, not stroganoff...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

does the funniest one get to shag your mouth?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Computer: Enter new password

Me: 'Beef Stew'

Computer: Sorry, not stroganoff...

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"does the funniest one get to shag your mouth?"

Ermmmm no

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I thought this thread was about being witty.

And telling jokes, people like to tell jokes more obviously

Feel free to add some wit

I just feel a bit robbed is all.

Could a mod please rename this thread "silly jokes".

Thanks."

Biatch!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order.""

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A mother was at a wedding with her daughter, when the little girl asked why is the bride dressed in white.

Not wishing to go into detail while the service was going on she just replied quickly.

Well this is the happiest day of her life so she wears white to show how happy she is.

The little girl listens thinks for a while then asks her mum ...........

So why is the Groom dressed in black

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"does the funniest one get to shag your mouth?

Ermmmm no

wasnt interested anyway...prefer your arse

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"does the funniest one get to shag your mouth?

Ermmmm no

wasnt interested anyway...prefer your arse

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