FabSwingers.com forum: Double standards

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

This is going to be a rant but it's a long time coming!

One of my close friends has just gotten out of a controlling relationship. Their ex basically attempted to cease all possible communication for my friend with the opposite sex. I also observed my friend being verbally humiliated, yet no one else - aside from other people who my friend is close to - is really offering my friend much sympathy even though they've effectively just left an abusive relationship.

Why? Because he's a man and some - not all - believe that it's impossible for a woman to abuse a man in any way. Well it bloody is.

That is all.

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

To quote Fabio.

"An arse is an arse regardless of gender."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"To quote Fabio.

"An arse is an arse regardless of gender."

I'll drink to that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That was strange reading that. I know full well it is possible for a woman to abuse a man and it happens more often than we think because men are more reluctant to 'admit' they have been abused. Yet still when I read your post I was assuming your friend who was being abused was female. Right up until the point you said no-one believed a man could be abused and the penny dropped. Guess that's always the general assumption and it's not right

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"That was strange reading that. I know full well it is possible for a woman to abuse a man and it happens more often than we think because men are more reluctant to 'admit' they have been abused. Yet still when I read your post I was assuming your friend who was being abused was female. Right up until the point you said no-one believed a man could be abused and the penny dropped. Guess that's always the general assumption and it's not right"

Awareness needs to rise in general

It's like, hearing that mentally ill men are less likely to seek help because they're afraid to be seen as "weak."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well done on your friend for getting out of the relationship

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Well done on your friend for getting out of the relationship

It's been a long time coming, he's relieved though, and I'm glad that I've finally got my friend back. There was a time a few months ago that I almost dropped him completely as I was that sick of having a friendship by someone else's rules, but he would have known I was always there for him. Which he knew anyway as I was the first person he came to.

I think the breaking point was when she smashed one of his guitars on the side of her house though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If she has been abusive in the past & there is a chance she could be again, advise him to get a non-molestation order out against her.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If she has been abusive in the past & there is a chance she could be again, advise him to get a non-molestation order out against her."

This is going to be a really stupid question, but is that still valid if physical abuse wasn't involved?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If she has been abusive in the past & there is a chance she could be again, advise him to get a non-molestation order out against her.

This is going to be a really stupid question, but is that still valid if physical abuse wasn't involved?"

It's not a stupid question at all. Threatening behaviour, sending abusive texts, emails etc can all be covered under the non-mol.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If she has been abusive in the past & there is a chance she could be again, advise him to get a non-molestation order out against her.

This is going to be a really stupid question, but is that still valid if physical abuse wasn't involved?

It's not a stupid question at all. Threatening behaviour, sending abusive texts, emails etc can all be covered under the non-mol. "

Brilliant, thanks

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By *ohnny4playMan
over a year ago

Kinross

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The question is now will she continue to abuse his name and try to humiliate him even more, now she has been scoured.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The question is now will she continue to abuse his name and try to humiliate him even more, now she has been scoured."

She can try! I'm actually quite a nice person IRL, but crossing my friends is not recommended and I know how to ruin her life so very easily if I wanted to.

But like I said, I'm a nice person.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The question is now will she continue to abuse his name and try to humiliate him even more, now she has been scoured.

She can try! I'm actually quite a nice person IRL, but crossing my friends is not recommended and I know how to ruin her life so very easily if I wanted to.

But like I said, I'm a nice person.

I think she may already have those bases covered and have her sob story ready, women like that usual do.

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By *onia1969Woman
over a year ago

Bridgwater

Sad thing is it does happen that men get abused by a woman..... There is help out there for the men as well as women.

I went through being abused by my ex he was mentally, physically. And verbally abusive towards me

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The question is now will she continue to abuse his name and try to humiliate him even more, now she has been scoured.

She can try! I'm actually quite a nice person IRL, but crossing my friends is not recommended and I know how to ruin her life so very easily if I wanted to.

But like I said, I'm a nice person.

I think she may already have those bases covered and have her sob story ready, women like that usual do."

I think so too. She's one of those sly sneaky little bitches who likes to dig into someone as deep as possible. She sent him a very snide message when I was with him a few days ago. I reminded him that someone can only make you feel insignificant if you give them permission.

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By *onia1969Woman
over a year ago

Bridgwater

If she is sending him messages or she stalking him in any way and he feels threatened especially if she is being abusive in anyway. He needs to inform the police. But he will have to keep all texts and keep a diary of dates, times, what she did or said if she turns up cos the police will need it

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"If she is sending him messages or she stalking him in any way and he feels threatened especially if she is being abusive in anyway. He needs to inform the police. But he will have to keep all texts and keep a diary of dates, times, what she did or said if she turns up cos the police will need it"

I'm keeping an eye on him

Only thing is he's staying with his parents & they live across the road from her. She's not being abusive right now, just a bitch.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The non-mol can make her keep away from where he lives if she keeps going round to where he lives too.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

my ex husbands cousin was in an abusive relationship his wife was much bigger and a lot older than him and used to hit him regular, when he had bruises and people would ask what he'd done they would laugh for some reason it's funny when a woman hits a man

I remember the one day him saying if it gets to much for him he just runs away and because she's so fat she can't catch him

I really used to feel for him because he had mental health problems so had the mentality of somebody a lot younger than his age, i always felt she picked him because of this knowing he would put up with her bullying

had that been the other way round and an older guy had married a younger women with mental health problems then abused her there would have been an uproar

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By *onia1969Woman
over a year ago

Bridgwater

I'm keeping an eye on him

Ok if she only across the road.... The police will only do something if she on the doorstep..... Even if she not being abusive then she still harrassing him to get to him. My ex was the same with me

Only thing is he's staying with his parents & they live across the road from her. She's not being abusive right now, just a bitch."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Truly an amazing topic. She utterly controls him yet he spends time with you and is a friend and confidante ? She smashed his guitar on the outside of her house? Perhaps she's pissed off with his feckless behaviour and maddening guitar riffs. Keep your guitars in your own house, much safer. And always walk away from dickheads. Still I'm emoting large quantities of sympathy for him. As one must.

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By *L RogueMan
over a year ago

London

"To quote Fabio.

"An arse is an arse regardless of gender."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

was reading through your OP and I too thought it was a woman you were talking about till the end. I 'm not surprised he has little or no support as his male friends would probably treat it as a running joke and female friends would probably tell him to man up.

Men aren't expected by society to have an emotional support network, but to stand tall and tough it out themselves.

I knew a guy in a relationship once where he suffered physical abuse from his OH for ages, he had the strength to floor her easily if he was that way inclined but said he'd never hit a woman in his life as it would be like hitting a kid.

He did find a way to stop her though. She once started lumping into him whilst her brother was there and he shot his arm out and closed his hand like a vice round her brother's neck. She carried on her assault but he told her that whilst she continued he wouldn't release his grip. Once her brother began making those garbled sounds and going pale she finally relented horrified, whereupon he released the choking man. He confided that he did feel sorry for her brother but that he'd reached breaking point and that it was something he simply had to do as the authorities would probably just laugh their heads off at his predicament, same with anyone else. She didn't abuse him physically again after that.

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By *onia1969Woman
over a year ago

Bridgwater

"was reading through your OP and I too thought it was a woman you were talking about till the end. I 'm not surprised he has little or no support as his male friends would probably treat it as a running joke and female friends would probably tell him to man up.

Men aren't expected by society to have an emotional support network, but to stand tall and tough it out themselves.

Now the authorities have to take men seriously and help them. There are safely e places for men to go to now (refuges). Yes men may feel embarrassed to report it as they feel they won't be believed that they are being abused by a female. But they shouldn't have to take the abuse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It winds me up on tv shows all the time, man pisses woman off so she slaps him around the face and that's supposed to be acceptable. I have even seen it in kids shows,;the girl gives the boy a slap or punch and that's 'funny' as it's a boy being hit by a girl so he must be a wimp. One of my friends had a girlfriend who used to slap, punch and kick him a lot, every time he didn't agree eith her or she thought he was looking at another woman. One day he snapped and to his shame he slapped her back. He had the whole town after him for being a 'womanbeater'. We know he should never have hit her back, but I can totally see how he snapped.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"It winds me up on tv shows all the time, man pisses woman off so she slaps him around the face and that's supposed to be acceptable. I have even seen it in kids shows,;the girl gives the boy a slap or punch and that's 'funny' as it's a boy being hit by a girl so he must be a wimp. One of my friends had a girlfriend who used to slap, punch and kick him a lot, every time he didn't agree eith her or she thought he was looking at another woman. One day he snapped and to his shame he slapped her back. He had the whole town after him for being a 'womanbeater'. We know he should never have hit her back, but I can totally see how he snapped. "

Ooooh

I don't blame him for snapping though.

Thankfully my friend is the most laid back person in the world.

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By *L RogueMan
over a year ago

London

"The question is now will she continue to abuse his name and try to humiliate him even more, now she has been scoured.

She can try! I'm actually quite a nice person IRL, but crossing my friends is not recommended and I know how to ruin her life so very easily if I wanted to.

But like I said, I'm a nice person.

I think she may already have those bases covered and have her sob story ready, women like that usual do."

That's one of the main reasons why guys suffer in silence. These women play the system because they know it works in their favour.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Conclusion, too many people unable to deal with their emotions. Get a grip. Kylestyle is fuelled by individuals failure to cope. The brother strangling post is fabulous. This thread Is sustenance to the dim witted. Take control. Quivering idiots have choices too.

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By *rinking-in-laCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

"Conclusion, too many people unable to deal with their emotions. Get a grip. Kylestyle is fuelled by individuals failure to cope. The brother strangling post is fabulous. This thread Is sustenance to the dim witted. Take control. Quivering idiots have choices too. "

Even for a troll you are vapid.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Even for a troll you are vapid."

I blank out trolls, especially when they are so weak as to hide behind a screen.

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By *rinking-in-laCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

Some times it is fun to throw them a biscuit so we can all watch them feel superior to us.

It is like stockholm syndrome but they are the ones in a cage.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I too was in an abusive relationship for six years.

So glad your friend finally found the way to end it. I know perfectly well how difficult it can be to get away.

There is very little help for men. The police guidelines, certainly used to, make it very hard to leave and take your children with you. Unlike women who may go to a refuge or even simply their mothers or a friend, I was told if I took the children they would find me to return them home. "Take her to court" I was told. If I had she would have vanished. I was in the navy. Nowhere to hide with kids.

I wish him the best for the future

No one, whatever their sex, should have to tolerate abuse.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nanny, I've hurt my thumb by sucking it too much. Please help.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Nanny, I've hurt my thumb by sucking it too much. Please help. "

Lol. Thanks for your well thought out, mature, input to a subject you clearly know nothing about.

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By *rinking-in-laCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

[Removed by poster at 21/07/15 15:35:43]

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By *rinking-in-laCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

"I too was in an abusive relationship for six years.

So glad your friend finally found the way to end it. I know perfectly well how difficult it can be to get away.

I wish him the best for the future

No one, whatever their sex, should have to tolerate abuse. "

Your last line is correct 100%. Everyone should be supported if they are abused no matter what their identity.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I too was in an abusive relationship for six years.

So glad your friend finally found the way to end it. I know perfectly well how difficult it can be to get away.

I wish him the best for the future

No one, whatever their sex, should have to tolerate abuse. "

Thank you

I'm glad that you also got out of your difficult relationship, and I hope you're much happier now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Nanny, I've hurt my thumb by sucking it too much. Please help.

Lol. Thanks for your well thought out, mature, input to a subject you clearly know nothing about. "

Don't rise to it. You're by far the better person xxxxxxxxxx

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By *rinking-in-laCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

"Nanny, I've hurt my thumb by sucking it too much. Please help.

Lol. Thanks for your well thought out, mature, input to a subject you clearly know nothing about. "

Don't worry about it. It validates their little existence.

If they want, a troll can arrange a meet with us all and say this stuff to our face.

Any takers?

I am happy to arrange a time and a location where we can all meet up and the troll above can come and be abusive in person.

Or would they rather hide behind their keyboard?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A friend of mine is has a on/off relationship that has been abusive.

It's hard to watch her keep going back thinking it'll be better "he's changed" is a phrase that make me cringe

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By *rinking-in-laCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

"A friend of mine is has a on/off relationship that has been abusive.

It's hard to watch her keep going back thinking it'll be better "he's changed" is a phrase that make me cringe "

I know what you mean. You can see reality ai clearly but they cannot. They are blind to it.

What can you do?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Even for a troll you are vapid."
Sad you criticise me. It hurts. I claim victim status. Your micro aggressions are deeply wounding. Where is my support network, when you abuse me so? I'd fight for your right to attack unpopular opinion ! Wouldn't be very good though. Herd mentality always leads in the wrong direction. I don't eat biscuits and I don't do manufactured angst or postures. You like it. You eat it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A friend of mine is has a on/off relationship that has been abusive.

It's hard to watch her keep going back thinking it'll be better "he's changed" is a phrase that make me cringe

I know what you mean. You can see reality ai clearly but they cannot. They are blind to it.

What can you do?"

I've tried to do loads, got a call once a while back saying Things has gotten physical....wouldn't give me her address so I could phone the police

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I too was in an abusive relationship for six years.

So glad your friend finally found the way to end it. I know perfectly well how difficult it can be to get away.

I wish him the best for the future

No one, whatever their sex, should have to tolerate abuse.

Thank you

I'm glad that you also got out of your difficult relationship, and I hope you're much happier now

I'm head over heels in love with an amazing woman who knows I'm bi an supports me fully.

My youngest child was four when I started the fight for custody.

I gave up my career and went self employed so I could work around my kids needs.

My youngest will be starting her third year of a law degree at a very good uni. She's on for a first.

It was a long time ago but I still remember my ex laughing at the judge when she was described as an abusive bully.

She doesn't laugh anymore having not had a relationship with her daughter for all these years. My daughter cut her off eventually because she didn't want to be abused down a phone line any more.

I have two stunning daughters who are proving to be very successful and two other step children who are equally as successful.

I'm a very lucky and happy person.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A friend of mine is has a on/off relationship that has been abusive.

It's hard to watch her keep going back thinking it'll be better "he's changed" is a phrase that make me cringe

I know what you mean. You can see reality ai clearly but they cannot. They are blind to it.

What can you do?

I've tried to do loads, got a call once a while back saying Things has gotten physical....wouldn't give me her address so I could phone the police

I know it's hard, but be the friend she talks to who doesn't offer advice. Be the one she feels she can vent to without judgement.

The more she hears her own voice describe what's happening the more she'll realise it's got to end. Let her ask you what she should do and simply say she knows what she needs to do and when she's ready you'll help her.

You can't pull people out of it. They have to leave on their own.

The only exception is if there are marks and you report it to the police. Nowadays they can prosecute without the victims help. Problem is the victim often still can't see the escape or believes it's their own fault.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"This is going to be a rant but it's a long time coming!

Why? Because he's a man and some - not all - believe that it's impossible for a woman to abuse a man in any way. Well it bloody is.

That is all.

Nothing wrong with that rant, it happens a lot more than many people are willing to admit, hope your friend is ok and is getting the help and support he needs, sounds like you are a good friend to him.

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By *otsoSnowWhiteWoman
over a year ago

My Ice Castle! South Wales

I know it's hard, but be the friend she talks to who doesn't offer advice. Be the one she feels she can vent to without judgement.

This piece of advice is in any friendship when you can see a relationship is wrong for that person. They have to do it on their own and doesn't always need advice just a sounding board. When you have advice rammed at you everytime you just want to vent you stop wanting to go to that person.

To everyone who has posted on here about being in an abusive relationship much hugs and kisses for getting out the other side and gaining your life back. Respect xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A friend of mine is has a on/off relationship that has been abusive.

It's hard to watch her keep going back thinking it'll be better "he's changed" is a phrase that make me cringe

I know what you mean. You can see reality ai clearly but they cannot. They are blind to it.

What can you do?

I've tried to do loads, got a call once a while back saying Things has gotten physical....wouldn't give me her address so I could phone the police

I know it's hard, but be the friend she talks to who doesn't offer advice. Be the one she feels she can vent to without judgement.

You can't pull people out of it. They have to leave on their own.

This.

Just be there. No matter what.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm keeping an eye on him

Only thing is he's staying with his parents & they live across the road from her. She's not being abusive right now, just a bitch."

OP if she was mentally abusive to him in the past, even if she's 'just being a bitch' now, it will still affect him. It might not seem much to an outsider but it might be getting in his head without you realising.

You're a good friend.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 21/07/15 23:24:04]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In vanilla relationships where the two people involved are exclusive to each other, a guy with a female friend can pose a threat to the female half especially if she has insecurities. Having a guy friend is like having a cock in a jar, you don't want it but it's a break in case of emergencies situation.

We don't know the absolute in's and outs of what happened and if he was very close to you then maybe that could have added to the ex girlfriends insecurities. Obviously don't condone abuse for anyone male or female and it's unhealthy for both parties involved. Glad he's out of it and hope she deals with her issues.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Awareness needs to rise in general

It's like, hearing that mentally ill men are less likely to seek help because they're afraid to be seen as "weak.""

There's also hardly any support groups for men regarding issues, abuse and mh.

And the police are absolutely awful if you ever have to deal with them as a male victim of domestic abuse/violence or that sort of thing

The instant assumption is you got hurt by her defending herself

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By *larayCouple
over a year ago

bolton

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

And after all that, he'd rather go round to her house, to socialise with someone who treats him like shit, rather than come and see a friend in need, I.e me. Is it just impossible to help some people?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"...

Is it just impossible to help some people?"

Do you mean yourself or him?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"...

Is it just impossible to help some people?

Do you mean yourself or him?"

Both?

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