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How to wipe ones bum

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

So I noticed something funny on a bag of andrex toilet roll that made me chuckle

There are bum wiping instructions on the back.

Apparently in a recent survey they found people were wiping incorrectly...

What do you make of this?

"toilet humour welcomed in this thread"

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By *errygTV/TS
over a year ago

denton

im surprised the elf n safety have not published a guide how to wipe your arse

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By *icky999Man
over a year ago

warrington

its a load of old crap

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By *errygTV/TS
over a year ago

denton

there will be old crap there if you don't follow the instructions

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pull off about 8 to 10 squares. Hold each end. Then start flossing. How difficult can it be x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Everyone knows you wipe back to front

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Pull off about 8 to 10 squares. Hold each end. Then start flossing. How difficult can it be x"

I add a little hip movement and make speaking sounds for more effective wipage

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Pull off about 8 to 10 squares. Hold each end. Then start flossing. How difficult can it be x

I add a little hip movement and make speaking sounds for more effective wipage"

Oh of course. That's obvious so what do the instructions say? X

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By *ickawitchCouple
over a year ago

Away with the fairies (Liverpool to you)

My way seems to be use as much of the toilet roll as you can and don't forget to block the toilet thoroughly with your copious amounts of soggy tissue

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Moist toilet tissue...it's the future!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Pull off about 8 to 10 squares. Hold each end. Then start flossing. How difficult can it be x

I add a little hip movement and make speaking sounds for more effective wipage

Oh of course. That's obvious so what do the instructions say? X"

Use 3-4 sheets per wipe

Wipe from front to back

Use 1-2 andrex washers to feel cleaner

Pat dry with toilet tissue

Always wash hands with soap

Just incase you did already

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just keep on wiping until you can't see any shite on the bog roll......for that squeaky clean feeling finish with a wet wipe

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No mention of cotton buds there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh shit! Ive been doing it wrong!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm still waiting to find out exactly what the "Three Sea Shells" actually are???

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Pull off about 8 to 10 squares. Hold each end. Then start flossing. How difficult can it be x"

This made me laugh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Always use a bidet when I see one. Perfect for storing beers when on holiday abroad!

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By *ngel n tedCouple
over a year ago

maidstone

I thought the paper was just for show, we've been buying a new labrador puppy every 3 months

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By *avebi48Man
over a year ago

Lordswood


"I'm still waiting to find out exactly what the "Three Sea Shells" actually are??? "

for scraping off the hardened stuff from the previous time?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What a load of shit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I thought the paper was just for show, we've been buying a new labrador puppy every 3 months"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This threads gone down the pan...

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By *errygTV/TS
over a year ago

denton


"I thought the paper was just for show, we've been buying a new labrador puppy every 3 months"
should imagine a puppy would be nice n soft to wipe your arse, then the puppy licks itself clean

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Where has Lib! gone again? He does it differently, if memory serves me correctly.

Do you stand, bend or sit to wipe?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I'm still waiting to find out exactly what the "Three Sea Shells" actually are??? "

Ha... She doesn't know how to use the 3 sea shells

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'm still waiting to find out exactly what the "Three Sea Shells" actually are???

Ha... She doesn't know how to use the 3 sea shells"

Guess I'll just have to keep using the swear box paper!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Where has Lib! gone again? He does it differently, if memory serves me correctly."

He's gone unlos again, the floppy haired bastard.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All ways wipe front to back because if you are a woman germs can go from your back passage to your fanny ,toilet wet wipes are best ,then always wash hands ..

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

May father always says in the war they were given a regulation three sheets - two to wipe and one to polish!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Army wipe - 1 sheet.

Fold in half and again and again.

Tear off pointy bit.

Unfold.

Put finger through hole.

Place circle on end of finger.

Use finger to clean bum.

Wipe finger with paper as you take it off finger.

DO NOT pick nose...

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By *errygTV/TS
over a year ago

denton

I find the sun newspaper does the job just as good as andrex and more satisfying

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sheet 1 - wipe up

Sheet 2 - wipe down

Sheet 3 - polish

Job done

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Pull off about 8 to 10 squares. Hold each end. Then start flossing. How difficult can it be x

I add a little hip movement and make speaking sounds for more effective wipage

Oh of course. That's obvious so what do the instructions say? X

Use 3-4 sheets per wipe

Wipe from front to back

Use 1-2 andrex washers to feel cleaner

Pat dry with toilet tissue

Always wash hands with soap

Just incase you did already"

my Butler has it down to a tee

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By *ongtalljonMan
over a year ago

North Wales

When theres only one sheet left....

Tear out a small, round piece of paper from the centre of the sheet, making a hole just large enough to stick your finger through. Put the small piece to one side for a moment.

Stick your finger throught the hole, so that the sheet is level with your second knuckle.

Stick that finger up your bum hole an twist.

Remove finger from bum hole.

Bum is clean, but finger is dirty. To clean finger....

Now, using your other hand, grasp the sheet of paper from below, so that the paper wraps around and over your (shitty) finger. Grasping the paper tightly, pull it off your finger, thus cleaning the shit of your finger.

Now, remember the small piece of paper you put to one side?

Use that to clean underneath your finger nail..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i have just this minute finished my tea - thank god

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"When theres only one sheet left....

Tear out a small, round piece of paper from the centre of the sheet, making a hole just large enough to stick your finger through. Put the small piece to one side for a moment.

Stick your finger throught the hole, so that the sheet is level with your second knuckle.

Stick that finger up your bum hole an twist.

Remove finger from bum hole.

Bum is clean, but finger is dirty. To clean finger....

Now, using your other hand, grasp the sheet of paper from below, so that the paper wraps around and over your (shitty) finger. Grasping the paper tightly, pull it off your finger, thus cleaning the shit of your finger.

Now, remember the small piece of paper you put to one side?

Use that to clean underneath your finger nail..

"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'm still waiting to find out exactly what the "Three Sea Shells" actually are???

Ha... She doesn't know how to use the 3 sea shells"

Someone stick me back in the fridge!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'm still waiting to find out exactly what the "Three Sea Shells" actually are???

Ha... She doesn't know how to use the 3 sea shells

Someone stick me back in the fridge!! "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"i have just this minute finished my tea - thank god "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"When theres only one sheet left....

Tear out a small, round piece of paper from the centre of the sheet, making a hole just large enough to stick your finger through. Put the small piece to one side for a moment.

Stick your finger throught the hole, so that the sheet is level with your second knuckle.

Stick that finger up your bum hole an twist.

Remove finger from bum hole.

Bum is clean, but finger is dirty. To clean finger....

Now, using your other hand, grasp the sheet of paper from below, so that the paper wraps around and over your (shitty) finger. Grasping the paper tightly, pull it off your finger, thus cleaning the shit of your finger.

Now, remember the small piece of paper you put to one side?

Use that to clean underneath your finger nail..

"

See "Army Clean" above

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By *obbytupperMan
over a year ago

Menston near Ilkley


"Just keep on wiping until you can't see any shite on the bog roll......for that squeaky clean feeling finish with a wet wipe "

Do not in any circumstances throw a wet wipe down the bog. they collect and block the drain.

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By *ltravioletWoman
over a year ago

In amongst the Unicorns & fairy dust


"Just keep on wiping until you can't see any shite on the bog roll......for that squeaky clean feeling finish with a wet wipe

Do not in any circumstances throw a wet wipe down the bog. they collect and block the drain. "
i second that plus quilted paper too ! ( my ex is a plumber and the stories don't compare to the cost of unblocking your sewer pipes !!!! On your property not personage before someone gets dirty !!! F@(:/- it I 'll go back to my corner

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My Italian gal from Treviso when faced with toilets in Edinburgh declared with vengeance "savages".

The bidet is the way.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just keep on wiping until you can't see any shite on the bog roll......for that squeaky clean feeling finish with a wet wipe

Do not in any circumstances throw a wet wipe down the bog. they collect and block the drain. "

Wouldn't dream of it

After I use them I give them a rinse out then use them as coffee filters.....kopi luwak shit coffee ain't a patch on my shit coffee!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My Italian gal from Treviso when faced with toilets in Edinburgh declared with vengeance "savages".

The bidet is the way.

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By *uby0000Woman
over a year ago

hertfordshire

I just wipe my dirty finger on the wall!!! haha

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I just wipe my dirty finger on the wall!!! haha"

Saves on the need for paint.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just keep on wiping until you can't see any shite on the bog roll......for that squeaky clean feeling finish with a wet wipe

Do not in any circumstances throw a wet wipe down the bog. they collect and block the drain. i second that plus quilted paper too ! ( my ex is a plumber and the stories don't compare to the cost of unblocking your sewer pipes !!!! On your property not personage before someone gets dirty !!! F@(:/- it I 'll go back to my corner "

oh god - getting your own pipes inblocked - lets not go there

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By *icked weaselCouple
over a year ago

Near Edinburgh..

Do Not Use Scented Toilet-Paper at all..

Especially on your foo foo..

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By *artytwoCouple
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

I would like to know why some fucking animals seem to enjoy leaving streaks and floaters behind. I entered a motorway service 'trap' yesterday and reversed out sharpish due to an enormous yuletide log festering in the bowl. Why do people do this? even our cat covers up its own shit.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just keep on wiping until you can't see any shite on the bog roll......for that squeaky clean feeling finish with a wet wipe

Do not in any circumstances throw a wet wipe down the bog. they collect and block the drain.

Wouldn't dream of it

After I use them I give them a rinse out then use them as coffee filters.....kopi luwak shit coffee ain't a patch on my shit coffee! "

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

I thought that was why people got a rimming partner.

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By *ancadamMan
over a year ago

Stockport


"I thought the paper was just for show, we've been buying a new labrador puppy every 3 months"
just spat tea everywhere!!

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By *arry247Couple
over a year ago

Wakefield

Use the ecoligically friendly method, saves trees saves the planet.

Tools needed one mallet

Wipe bum with finger, hit finger with mallett ...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There is always the old Roman way, with a wet sponge on a stick. Just don't try to flush it.

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By *siris01Man
over a year ago

Luton

Muslims have solved this ..gotta hand it to them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cant remember how i do it, im usually three sheets to the wind.

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By *onyneMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

I have a friend who was in army cadets when he was young...He told me that he was trained to use one single sheet of loo roll...Instructions were as follows...

Take one sheet and tear a small square out [about an inch square] from the middle...

Push sheet inside with finger going through hole...pull everything out so you are 'clean'...

and then...the final act...use the small square you cut out to clean under you fingernail...

Not joking. That's what he said...Gruesome!

I would have snuck some wet wipes...even to the battle front!

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By *icple123Couple
over a year ago

st albans


"I would like to know why some fucking animals seem to enjoy leaving streaks and floaters behind. I entered a motorway service 'trap' yesterday and reversed out sharpish due to an enormous yuletide log festering in the bowl. Why do people do this? even our cat covers up its own shit."

This made me literally 'lol'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A place I used to work had contractors come in about every 8weeks for engineering maintenance. Every time they came in the toilet floor would end up flooded with piss, shit smeared toilet paper, shit smeared walls, bangers and mash left unflushed and toilet seats broken. Chimps would have kept the place cleaner. Why the fuck they did this, I will never know or understand. What the hell do there houses look like?

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