FabSwingers.com forum: Jokes

By *alford19872 OP Man
over a year ago

salford

Who's got the best joke hit me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Topical and appropriate for this forum (but lifted straight off Sickipedia)

I call my dick the Smiler - because nobody wants to ride it

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

A guy walks into a bar and says "Do you serve people with Dreadlocks?" .......

I think you can guess the Rasta

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A guy walks into a bar and says "Do you serve people with Dreadlocks?" .......

I think you can guess the Rasta

"
.

I don't get it

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

"A guy walks into a bar and says "Do you serve people with Dreadlocks?" .......

I think you can guess the Rasta

I don't get it

I think it's a typo?

C...

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By *rank EinsteinMan
over a year ago

Burton upon stather

Guess the rasta.

Guess the rest.

Dreadlocks, Jamaican accent.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The ice cream van blocked the road with 3 cones lol

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By *rank EinsteinMan
over a year ago

Burton upon stather

I know a lass called mandy with no arms, quite tragic :-S

Joke time

Knock knock

Whose there?

Not mandy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I know a lass called mandy with no arms, quite tragic :-S

Joke time

Knock knock

Whose there?

Not mandy

That's very hurtful to Mandy making fun of the fact she has no arms.

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

Why couldn't it be Mandy?

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

"A guy walks into a bar and says "Do you serve people with Dreadlocks?" .......

I think you can guess the Rasta

Rastathatjoke....

I don't get it

Ok, a Rastafarian usually wears Dreadlocks in in his hair......

I made it up and will get ma coat

I'm here for one joke only

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By *uttyjonnMan
over a year ago

SEA

"Why couldn't it be Mandy?"

coz she aint handy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two Cannibals eating a Clown, One turns to the other n says...Does this taste funny to you

Gimp

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two snowmen chatting, one asks the other "can you smell carrots?"

Taxi.....

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By *alford19872 OP Man
over a year ago

salford

I use to be able to tap dance till I fell down the sink

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

"Why couldn't it be Mandy?

coz she aint handy "
still doesn't explain why she can't be at the door

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 fish in a tank! Ones driving the others operating the gun!

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By *appyguy17Man
over a year ago

walthamstow

Went into Waterstone's...saw a sign which read.."a third of all titles"

I said "i'll have the Lion and the Witch"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Decided it was time to treat the wife, so I gave her a bath in creosote

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why couldn't it be Mandy?

coz she aint handy still doesn't explain why she can't be at the door "

its a knock knock joke...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you make a rhinoceros float?

One rhinoceros and two scoops of ice cream.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An Englishman Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar, barmaid asks "Is this some kind of joke?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A bloke goes into a pub with a Giraffe. After a few pints, the Giraffe passes out on the floor, so the bloke gets up to leave.

The barman says 'Oi, you can't leave that lying there'

And the bloke says 'it's not a Lion mate. It's a Giraffe'

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By *rank EinsteinMan
over a year ago

Burton upon stather

"Why couldn't it be Mandy?

coz she aint handy still doesn't explain why she can't be at the door "

She can't knock on the door with no arms

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats the difference between a car and a giraffe...

Ones got hydrolics the others got high bollox

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By *eembabyWoman
over a year ago

Brum

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

I found a joke so awful the other day that I daren't repeat it for fear of being deleted. I was very, very funny.

However...

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

"'Ere," say one to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Three men at the top of a slide. Told that whatever they shout as they slide down they'll land in at the bottom.

The first man slides down and shouts "Money". He lands in a huge pile of notes.

The second man slides down and shouts "women". He lands surrounded by beautiful women.

The third man, being a typical man, has been waiting so long he forgets what he's supposed to do and simply shouts "weeeeeeeee".

Gets me every time

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why couldn't it be Mandy?

coz she aint handy still doesn't explain why she can't be at the door

She can't knock on the door with no arms

She could knock with her head.

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Greenland.

Ffs - it's a large rock covered in ice. Where's the green bits?

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

A woman goes into a bar .. Says to the barman can I have an innuendo please. So he gave her one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A little Native American boy asks his dad " hey dad how do we get our names?" His dad replies "when your born we look out the teepee first thing we see we name you after it!, why you asking two dogs fucking?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I know a lass called mandy with no arms, quite tragic :-S

Joke time

Knock knock

Whose there?

Not mandy

That's very hurtful to Mandy making fun of the fact she has no arms."

I think Mandy should punch him in the ...oh, wait a minute....

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

what do you do if a bird poos on your head ?

Pack her in

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

A Women is taken into hospital with severe pains in her vagina

After a close examination the doctor finds 7 miniature plastic horses inside her

Her condition is described as stable

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Doctor sometimes i feel like a marquee and sometimes like a wigwam ....l can't sleep or enjoy sex ....

Well Mrs smith your problem is you're two tents

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

My girlfriend nearly won the cock sucking competition at our local swingers club

But she choked in the final

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By *rank EinsteinMan
over a year ago

Burton upon stather

Two sausages in a pan, one says

"fucking hot in ere ain't it?"

The other one says

"fucking ell! A talking sausage"

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"I like my men like pork pies -

Brains, bollocks, lips and bottoms"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar. The barman said "is this some sort of joke?"

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

"An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar. The barman said "is this some sort of joke?""

*As gravel-voice northern comic*

"There's this Englishman, a Jew and a Pakistani wot go in to a bar...

"What a wonderful example of a well integrated community"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What does an Essex bird use for protection during sex ?

A bus stop

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By *olgateMan
over a year ago

on the road to nowhere in particular

"An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar. The barman said "is this some sort of joke?"

*As gravel-voice northern comic*

"There's this Englishman, a Jew and a Pakistani wot go in to a bar...

"What a wonderful example of a well integrated community""
to be fully integrated wouldn't it also contain several woman and a polish builder?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Old one for you, you'll see why in a second.

We were invited to a Fancy Dress party and the wife couldn't decide what to go as. So she went naked apart from a pair of gloves and a pair of socks.

On arrival, the host enquired as to whether she'd come as Lady Godiva.

"NO!! she said, "I've come as the five of spades."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an out-of-work Jester?

Nobody's fool.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Who's the coolest person in a hospital?

The ultra sound guy.

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place

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By *icky999Man
over a year ago

warrington

Old one for you, you'll see why in a second.

We were invited to a Fancy Dress party and the wife couldn't decide what to go as. So she went naked apart from a pair of gloves and a pair of socks.

On arrival, the host enquired as to whether she'd come as Lady Godiva.

"NO!! she said, "I've come as the five of spades." "

?? for the stupid amogst us?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Three men at the top of a slide. Told that whatever they shout as they slide down they'll land in at the bottom.

The first man slides down and shouts "Money". He lands in a huge pile of notes.

The second man slides down and shouts "women". He lands surrounded by beautiful women.

The third man, being a typical man, has been waiting so long he forgets what he's supposed to do and simply shouts "weeeeeeeee".

Gets me every time

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

I sleep like a baby. Every morning I wake up screaming around 2 o’clock.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only his boxers.

The host asks what his costume is.

The man says he's a premature ejaculation, he's just come in his pants........

Taxi.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Who's got the best joke hit me "

The truest things are said in jest!! Fact!

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By *indy SometimesTV/TS
over a year ago

BoxHill

Went to the Zoo the other day, it only had one animal.

It was a Shitzu!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two fish swimming in a reservoir, one crashes into a wall and his mate says

"Damn!"

"Dam????"

Cheque please!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife...

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By *exywheelsCouple
over a year ago

inverness

My wife and I were going to a fancy dress ball, and decided to go as Adam & Eve. I wrote to a theatrical costumier and asked to hire the requisite costumes. When they arrived, I found that the fig leaf was far too small, and therefore too revealing, so I returned it, explaining that it didn't cover my requirements.

They sent me another one, which I tried, and unfortunately, this also was too small. Once again, I returned it, stating that still, it did not cover my requirements.

I received a letter from the company saying that the fig leaf which I had just returned was the largest that they did, and suggested that I put my requirements in my ear, and go as a petrol pump!

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By *exywheelsCouple
over a year ago

inverness

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband - for example:

The wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the sheets she sees four legs instead of two. She quietly reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the sheet as hard as she can for as long as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband sitting there, reading a magazine.

"Hi, Sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say Hello?"

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw.

How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?

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By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

I tried Drag Racing yesterday.... it's not easy to run in 6 inch heels though.

Cal

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands.

She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.'

I said, 'Are you kidding? I've still got my gloves on!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to a fortune teller who advertised "the answer to any 2 questions, £50"

I said "£50 for two questions, that's expensive isn't it?"

She said "yes it is, what's your second question"?

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By *etsdance1987Man
over a year ago

Runcorn

Mickey Mouse is in court trying to get a divorce from Minnie Mouse.

The judge says "Mickey you can't divorce Minnie just because she has big teeth"

Mickey says "I didn't say she had big teeth, I said she was fucking Goofy"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What d'ya call a woman that sets fire to her bills?

bernadette

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By *azNdavCouple
over a year ago

barnsley

My wife left me after spending our entire life savings on a penis enlargement.

She couldn't take it any longer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up a birds arse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe it was my own fault for getting so hammered last night, but as i lay in bed i could see six feet sticking out the end of the quilt.

I mentionned this to the wife but she laughed and said "don't be so fucking stupid (really), you're pissed, go count em."

So i did and as i got back in bed i said to her, "oh yeah, you're right (as usual) there's only four and aren't mine ever so dirty."

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By *azNdavCouple
over a year ago

barnsley

I've got a mate who's in love with two schoolbags.

He's bisatchel.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Followed a magic tractor earlier before it turned into a field

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By *lanwoodMan
over a year ago

Alton

Two goldfish swimming in a bowl, what's the name of the one in front?

Bob.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 UKIP MP's sat in a pub having a drink ...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the skeleton burp?

He didn't have the guts to fart.

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By *azNdavCouple
over a year ago

barnsley

"Followed a magic tractor earlier before it turned into a field

I used to like tractors once.

But now I'm an ex-tractor fan

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can't marmalade your cock up a birds arse"

I'm stealing that one.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why did the skeleton burp?

He didn't have the guts to fart."

The same skeleton went into a pub.

"I'll have a pint of larger and a mop, please"

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

Did you hear the one about the Nazi, the Jews and the Second World War?

Well it wasn't very funny...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Why did the skeleton burp?

He didn't have the guts to fart.

The same skeleton went into a pub.

"I'll have a pint of larger and a mop, please""

And that one......

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By *iamondjoeMan
over a year ago

Glastonbury

What bees make milk?

Boo-bees!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? A wooly jumper!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to see my doctor today. He told me to stop masturbating.

I asked him why.

And he said 'because I'm trying to examine you'

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By *rank EinsteinMan
over a year ago

Burton upon stather

Victoria Beckham goes to see David play football, at the end of the match they chat and she leaves alone as he's off for a drink with the lads.

She gets into the waiting limo and says home please, driver says I know a shortcut through a farmers track? She says Ok and off they go.

Going down the track and suddenly there's a large thump and the limo stops dead, driver opens the limo hatch and says he's just hitting a cow that walked out in front of the limo and asks what he should do.

Victoria says there's a farmhouse up there it's probably their cow you better go tell them.

Off the driver goes to the farmhouse and comes back an hour later, cigar in one hand, wine bottle in the other and clothes/hair untidy

Victoria says what happened to you?

Driver says I told them what happened and the farmer gave me one of his finest cigars, his wife obese of their finest bottles of wine and their 21 year old daughter shagged me senseless.

Victoria says well what did you tell them?

Driver says I told them I'm Victoria Beckhams limo driver and I've just killed the cow.....

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Thanks Cheddars

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