FabSwingers.com forum: Do you let your past define you?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

We all have a past, and will have a mixture of good and bad experiences from it. Some people I know, non Fab, seem to let their past over shadow the here and now. It's a constant subject of conversation. I have this theory that holding onto pain and bitterness from the past - wears you out and achieves nothing.

Years ago, I have been guilty of letting the past affect me, when I first left my marriage. Then I realised it was pointless. My philosophy now, is the past has been and gone, especially the bad parts. You can use the good parts to buoy you up during bad times and you will have learnt something about yourself from the bad things you've experienced too. It's the present that is here for the taking.

So are you still letting the past overshadow your life or a live for today and sod the past kind of person?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Totally being honest

yes i used to think, what if and would it happen again blah blah blah

then a personal health battle made me see clearly and now the past is the past, no need to be bitter x

life is for living not the past leave it where it belongs x

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

No I don't.... I look back on the days gone by with a smile, a lesson learnt and a celebration of great times....

I walk to the future with an even bigger smile....

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By *ourbonKissMan
over a year ago

a land up north..... of leicester

I'm a live for today kind of guy but I also think it's important that you learn from both the bad and good experiences in life. After all you never stop growing as a person

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I live for today

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

No, I never have held on to the past or let it affect me now, I'd be more dollally than I am now if I did.

I stick it in a box, put it to the back of my mind. In fact I remove myself so much h from the past its like it happened to a different person.

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By *obka3Couple
over a year ago

bournemouth

The future made you what you are today, what you do today makes you what you will be tomorrow, as someone I know always says its the things you dont do that you regret, at least you can look back and laugh or cry and then decide how to move on, never let the past spoil your future however bad its been

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I think it's rare to never have a moment when the bad things in our past affect us in some way.

I am who I am because of everything, good and bad, that went before. I am also who I am because of the dreams and ambitions I have for my future.

I agree that holding onto the bitterness leaves us bitter. I've done the work I can to cleanse my bitterness.

I'm still going to get passionate and active to address social injustice where I see it. My experiences help shape that passion and desire to see change.

I am less likely to get hung up about being rejected for a sexual relationship as I have come to realise that I am not just not "the one" for them at that time.

It's all the past but my responses are different.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Totally being honest

yes i used to think, what if and would it happen again blah blah blah

then a personal health battle made me see clearly and now the past is the past, no need to be bitter x

life is for living not the past leave it where it belongs x "

I totally get that. When you have faced a battle with your health, you do _iew life very differently. x

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I think it's rare to never have a moment when the bad things in our past affect us in some way.

I am who I am because of everything, good and bad, that went before. I am also who I am because of the dreams and ambitions I have for my future.

I agree that holding onto the bitterness leaves us bitter. I've done the work I can to cleanse my bitterness.

I'm still going to get passionate and active to address social injustice where I see it. My experiences help shape that passion and desire to see change.

I am less likely to get hung up about being rejected for a sexual relationship as I have come to realise that I am not just not "the one" for them at that time.

It's all the past but my responses are different.

Prefectly put Lickety. I get passionate about things I care about. I used to see it as a weakness, but my sister told me recently, that that is one of the things she loves most about me.

I think your point about cleansing bitterness from your past is a good one.

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By *te tMan
over a year ago

Merseyside

You cant change the past, you can though change the future by changing the present!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Totally being honest

yes i used to think, what if and would it happen again blah blah blah

then a personal health battle made me see clearly and now the past is the past, no need to be bitter x

life is for living not the past leave it where it belongs x

I totally get that. When you have faced a battle with your health, you do _iew life very differently. x"

god yes and you know what 1st stage of Cancer is a bastard but i thank it for making me see my life and the problem with it

and now im happier than ever

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"No I don't.... I look back on the days gone by with a smile, a lesson learnt and a celebration of great times....

I walk to the future with an even bigger smile...."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My first hubby was violent but I got away with 3 wonderful children , my second hubby had a massive stroke and now needs 24 hour nursing care , we had a wonderful 20 years together , I regret nothing and whatever life throws at you , you are not a victim unless you choose to be .

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"No, I never have held on to the past or let it affect me now, I'd be more dollally than I am now if I did.

I stick it in a box, put it to the back of my mind. In fact I remove myself so much h from the past its like it happened to a different person.

Being able to compartmentalise is a great skill. I've got better at it, with age. I know what you mean about thinking it happened to someone else.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bournekiss your so right

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"My first hubby was violent but I got away with 3 wonderful children , my second hubby had a massive stroke and now needs 24 hour nursing care , we had a wonderful 20 years together , I regret nothing and whatever life throws at you , you are not a victim unless you choose to be ."

Perfectly put. x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been seeing a counsellor since Christmas time and a separate hypnotist to try and help me stop things from the last affecting my behaviour but it's pretty pointless. I have a condition called hyperthymesia which means I can remember every single day of my life since my memories began. Every hood thing and every bad thing, I have severe abandonment issues due to having a mum that didn't really give a shit and palmed me off on different family members all my childhood. Father had an affair and left my mum when I was young, my grandfather had an affair and left my nan. My mum then got with someone else when I was 8 and my sister was born when I was 11 and from that age I was pushed out and went to live with my grandfather till I was 17 then lived with my ex and his parents till I was 25.

I try so hard not to live in the past but my mind only has to hear a song from the past or a film and from that memory 1000's of other memories just come to my head and I can't control them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have a few skeletons in the closet that pop out when least wanted, letting go of them would be a blessing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've been seeing a counsellor since Christmas time and a separate hypnotist to try and help me stop things from the last affecting my behaviour but it's pretty pointless. I have a condition called hyperthymesia which means I can remember every single day of my life since my memories began. Every hood thing and every bad thing, I have severe abandonment issues due to having a mum that didn't really give a shit and palmed me off on different family members all my childhood. Father had an affair and left my mum when I was young, my grandfather had an affair and left my nan. My mum then got with someone else when I was 8 and my sister was born when I was 11 and from that age I was pushed out and went to live with my grandfather till I was 17 then lived with my ex and his parents till I was 25.

I try so hard not to live in the past but my mind only has to hear a song from the past or a film and from that memory 1000's of other memories just come to my head and I can't control them. "

This sounds much more like a hindrance than a help. It would be great to remember the good stuff but some things are better forgotten about especially the painful stuff from our past. I do find this fascinating though. How do you cope with it if you don't mind me asking ? I've never known anyone with this condition before.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

To an extent our early life will define certain reactions and attitudes in ways that we have no control over unless we are extremely self aware. Some experiences can be so traumatic that it must take monumental effort and strength of will to prevent them from defining your future.

All I can say is that the things in my past that I'm aware of having a negative influence on me I try not to be defined by but there must be things I'm not aware of that do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I try not to. My past is pretty clear to all who see me I can't really hide it. But that's not who I am any more.

As I see it he got his wish and he passed from this world. This is my body now and I intend to enjoy it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I try so hard not to live in the past but my mind only has to hear a song from the past or a film and from that memory 1000's of other memories just come to my head and I can't control them.

Never knew I had it until they did some random tests in January. They said the way I could recall specific events so vividly prompted them to investigate it further. I knew I've always had a really good memory even from school I could read something once or hear something once and then that's it it's in my head forever. Never revised for a single test or exam and always knew I would pass and I always did. My memory pisses me off if I'm honest. Sometimes it would be good to be able to forget thins.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I try so hard not to live in the past but my mind only has to hear a song from the past or a film and from that memory 1000's of other memories just come to my head and I can't control them.

I bet. Fascinating really. X

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By *erdita Von TeaseWoman
over a year ago

nottingham

In all honesty I spent all of last year living in the past. I split up with a partner with who I had been very happy and in love with 3 months away from our wedding when I found out he'd been having a three year affair which really devestated me, then I was diagnosed with a heart condition which meant losing my licence and my job and then lost a very close friend in a horrible car accident along with her two young children. I spent a year letting myself slide into darker and darker times until one day I thought I can either carry on this way or try and pick myself up for me and my daughter. Some days still feel like shite and hurt but I try not to think about them and have recently decided to take a leap and start a whole new life miles away up the country as a think a whole new fresh start wil be good for me. So no more living in the past, it's going to be embracing the future and living for today

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By *irceWoman
over a year ago

Gloucester

In a utopia then yes i would strive forward but in this realm being happy all the time would take a mind format..

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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

In all honesty yes, the past made me who I am today and decisions I make are, whether I know it or not based on my past experiences. Do I worry about it no

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"In a utopia then yes i would strive forward but in this realm being happy all the time would take a mind format.."

That's what LSD is for :p

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By *irceWoman
over a year ago

Gloucester

"In a utopia then yes i would strive forward but in this realm being happy all the time would take a mind format..

That's what LSD is for :p"

Roll on mushroom season.. woohoo

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By *uby0000Woman
over a year ago

hertfordshire

im very ashamed of my past and find its others that wont let me forget

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My experiences have made me into the strong, resiliant and independant woman I am now. For that I'm grateful, because I need to be those things more than ever at this point in time.

I don't ever look back. It's done. It can't be changed. But I can control how I deal with it now.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

The past has influence more at an unconscious level. Where Im aware of negative stuff influencing, I take conscious control and determine what I want now and pursue that.

I dont dwell on the past, Ive made my new life as I want it to be, and am happy with it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Absolutely, and I wouldn't have it any other way!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I try not to sometimes its hard though

Sometimes things from your past can't be forgotten and although I try not to let them shape my life I'm afraid they do

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple
over a year ago

Leicestershire

I live for the future but take the lessons from the past with me...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The past may make me what I am today....but it doesn't define or decide what I do now, or in the future.

It may be a building block or a foundation....but the path I follow from here on in is down to me.....

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By *ere-for-my-convenienceWoman
over a year ago

West Midlands

I used to

Long spells of Severe ill health made me realise it was pointless so I live my life in the moment nowadays

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes I do. Due to being in a coma due to a bike accident I decided from that point to seize the day and live for the now and enjoy life. I don't let things worry me now as I realise there are more important things to be doing, so in a way I've let it define me I guess.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Oh no x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I listen to the lines of this Avett Brothers song it resonates with me.

" I want to have friends , that I can trust. That love me for the man I've become not the man that I was "

My past life is like a dream to me know. I can't believe how I was. But as I've grown and matured I think I've used my experiences to be a better person.

I certainly don't dwell on the past, but I sometimes shudder when I think what I used to get up to.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Lol of course it does it's yesterday that makes us tomorrow and we cant rewrite our history.

Just carry on and try to make today a good day that is all you can do and look forward not back.

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By *L RogueMan
over a year ago

London

Me then and me now are one and the same. I have simply evolved due to experience and circumstances beyond my control.

I'm a firm believer in the saying "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." Bad experiences in the past can kill your passion and courage which affects how you deal with things in the future...if you let them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

John Nash one of the greatest minds of a generation!

His past defined him for the better not for the worst.

A great man rip

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Lol of course it does it's yesterday that makes us tomorrow and we cant rewrite our history.

Just carry on and try to make today a good day that is all you can do and look forward not back."

But tomorrow today will be yesterday :p

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Me then and me now are one and the same. I have simply evolved due to experience and circumstances beyond my control.

Muscular dystrophy?

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By *L RogueMan
over a year ago

London

"Me then and me now are one and the same. I have simply evolved due to experience and circumstances beyond my control.

Muscular dystrophy? "

I was talking mentally and emotionally, you nutter.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I've just heard a great line on the R4 drama: I will not be another woman dragging the corpse of a dead relationship around with me.

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