FabSwingers.com forum: Worst joke you've heard...

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Just for giggles!

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field!

Go go go!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Irish farmer won a Nobel prize for being outstanding in his own field

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a guy that wears paper trousers ...........

Russell

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats green and empty?

Orvilles' arse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A squirrel is living in a pine tree. One day he feels it shaking, looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree.

The squirrel asks: “What are you doing climbing my tree?”

“Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears,” says the elephant.

“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears.”

“Well I brought my own pears.”

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By *bovethekneeCouple
over a year ago

Hampshire / Herefordshire

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a baby seal walks into a club

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

What's black and white and sits on a wall??

Humpty baseball boot!

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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

Whats green and has wheels...?

Grass....I lied about the wheels.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the fish say when he banged his head?

Dam.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mcfc wining the league

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?

One will make your day

The other will make your hole weak

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What does a buck toothed cow say?

MOOOF!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 elephants walking along a nudest beach and they see a guy sunbathing

One turns to the other and says "how the fuck does he feed himself with that"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a dinasaur with one eye. ?

A Doyouthinkhesawus

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The brain is the most important organ in the body, but then again look who is making me think that

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Brilliant! More!!!

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By *eliciousladyWoman
over a year ago

Sometimes U.K

What do ghosts eat for dinner?

•

Spookgetti

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call a dinasaur with one eye. ?

A Doyouthinkhesawus "

What do you call a dinosaur with no legs?

A mega-sore-arse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do women have legs?

Have you seen the mess a snail makes!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a male bird with no legs?

An oooomegoolie bird

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Where does Virgin wool come from......ugly sheep ..

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

One about robots.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a fly with no wings.

A walk

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By *illymint45Man
over a year ago

Cheshire

Three teddy bears in an airing cupboard which ones in the army?

The one sat on the Tank!

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By *opping_candyWoman
over a year ago

West Yorkshire

Love these

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By *illymint45Man
over a year ago

Cheshire

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call it what you want it won't come to you!

Call it woodbine and take it for a drag!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sharks will only attack you if you are wet

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the legless woman who went parachuting?

Came down to earth with a fud.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do deep sea divers fall backwards into the sea.

Because if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?

Coo eight.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 cows in a field. One says . " Are you worried about that mad cows disease ?

The second one said. " Nah it won't effect me I'm a horse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a Russian with three balls?

Whoja nickaknackeroff.

What do you call a Russian with one ball?

Ivor bollokoff

Did you hear about the gay gardener?

Found sleeping with peat up his arse!

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By *empting Devil.Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

One snowman says to another snowman "can you smell carrots?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Seen any evidence of kinky sexual behaviour in animals?

I saw a sheep pole dancing in a kebab shop the other day.

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By *hatterfabWoman
over a year ago

Wakefield

Why are turds tapered?.... so your bum doesn't bang with a clang

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's orange and sounds like a parrot

A carrot.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's black and white and sits on a wall??

Humpty baseball boot!

This one wins my vote for worst joke

Two tigers escaped from London zoo and were walking down Oxford Street when one turned to the other and said "it's not very busy for a Saturday afternoon, is it?".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Where do you go to meet a Spanish prostitute?

The Costa del Hole.

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By *ogue78Man
over a year ago

edinburgh

interesting fact :

the clitoris is like a very small penis, and is structurally the same.

this is according to my new Thai bride

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"2 cows in a field. One says . " Are you worried about that mad cows disease ?

The second one said. " Nah it won't effect me I'm a horse "

Hahaha!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a lot-o puss

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy asks a trainer in the gym

I want to impress that minter over there, which machine can i use?

Trainer says The same machine that impresses every woman use the ATM manchine!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why don't bald men carry keys ?

Because they've got no locks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you keep a woman moaning after sex?

Wipe your dick clean on the pillow cases...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What cheese isn't yours

Nacho cheese!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was going to write a book about split personalities was in 2 minds about it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man is walking to Athens when he is beset by a murderous group of outlaws. Captured, he is taken to the groups leader, who tells him "We have captured you, but in doing so you killed three of my men. Normally we would only have taken your possessions and let you go, but for this you should die. However, I admire a Man with courage, and you show no fear, so if you perform these two tasks for me, I will let you go".

The Outlaw Leader tells the man of a fearsome lion who lives in a cave not far from them, whom because of toothache has recently began attacking his group. To the Man, the Outlaw says " I see no reason for the beast to die unnecessarily, so if you can remove the tooth thats causing this, you have partly earned your freedom".

"Your second task, is that near here is a village, and in that village is my sister a woman so ugly that no man will sleep with her. If you do, you may go with my blessing".

So the man goes to the cave, followed by the outlaws, and enters it boldly. Within minutes the sound of a fierce contests drifts to the spectators, only to die suddenly with a fierce shriek, and the Leader turns to his second and says "He is done for, let us leave".

No sooner had he uttered this then the Man comes out of the cave, adjusting his tunic.

"Right" he says, "now where is the ugly woman with the toothache"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Teenage girl goes to docs with what looks like bit of grass on face doc says try cream it will fix it.

Week later she is back not only grass but now somrthing looking like a branch docs ouzzled gives stronger cream

Week later she is back grass branch and now looks like water too.

Doc apologises and says should have realised before its a beauty spot ??

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By *B9 QueenWoman
over a year ago

Over the rainbow, under the bridge

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

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By *ave1977Man
over a year ago

Mid Cheshire

[Removed by poster at 20/05/15 23:02:27]

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By *educedWoman
over a year ago

Birmingham

I hate those Russian nesting dolls. They are so full of themselves!

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By *educedWoman
over a year ago

Birmingham

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

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By *hropscouple27Couple
over a year ago

Sth Staffs

What is ET short for?

Because he has little legs.

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By *lik and PaulCouple
over a year ago

Flagrante

Two parrots sitting on a perch...one says to the other "can you smell fish"?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sharks will only attack you if you are wet

That also applies to Loan Sharks.

No laffin matter though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ed Balls

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

What do you call a sleeping cow.....bull dozer

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Three kids are late at school for afternoon register.

Says to first boy, what's your excuse?

I went up Daisy Hill, Miss

Ok, says to second boy, what's your excuse?

I too went up Daisy Hill, Miss.

Says to the third kid, a girl, I suppose you too went up Daisy Hill?

No Miss, i am Daisy Hill.

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By *tmmCouple
over a year ago

harlow

What's long, green, sticky and smells like pork?

Kermit the frogs fingers

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By *lappyMan
over a year ago

Manchester

I was a photographer for page 3 but I've recently been promoted ......

I'm now doing page 4

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Are you from Russia?

Cause imma be Russian this dick up your ass

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By *ong-legged-divaTV/TS
over a year ago

Fleetwood

You're all wrong!

German sausage jokes, now they're the wurst!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The worst one I heard I cudnt even mention it on here without the fear of being crucified by the brits

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By *educedWoman
over a year ago

Birmingham

My fear of moving stairs is escalating!

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By *ave1977Man
over a year ago

Mid Cheshire

Hands up if you're scared of Armed Robbers ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a burned intelligence agent who has found religion?

Bourne again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nice one pmsl

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A pork pie walks into a bar and says to the barman "pint please"...the barman says "sorry mate, we don't serve food in here"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot

A carrot. "

This wins for me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to think sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me until I fell into a printing press..

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By *ethepeopleMan
over a year ago

Near you

Two sausages in a pan ! One says it's hot in here the other looks at him and says " my god a talking sausage "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One my dad used to torture me with!

How many elephants can you fit in a mini?

4! 2 in the front 2 in the back!

How many giraffes can you fit in a mini?

None because the elephants are still in there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My sons favourite

What wobbles in the sky? A jelly copter

My nephews favourite!

Why do gorillas have big fingers?

Because they have big nostrils!

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

A student walks into a pub with a toad on his head.

The barman says: "How did you come by that?"

The toad says: "It started off as a boil on my arse."

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

"A pork pie walks into a bar and says to the barman "pint please"...the barman says "sorry mate, we don't serve food in here""

A ghost goes into a bar and the barman says: "Ah we've got no licence to serve spirits here"

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
over a year ago

Sussex

Why do elephants have Big Ears?

'coz Noddy won't pay the ransom.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do elephants paint there toe nails red?

So they can hide up cherry trees...

Have you ever seen a elephant up a cherry tree ?

Exactly.

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By *uriousminds2008Couple
over a year ago

London

What does a gay horse eat?

Haaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy

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By *atcherofmyballsMan
over a year ago

hereford

"One my dad used to torture me with!

How many elephants can you fit in a mini?

4! 2 in the front 2 in the back!

How many giraffes can you fit in a mini?

None because the elephants are still in there"

How do you know there are elephants in your fridge?

Theres a mini parked outside

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two eggs in a saucepan, one says I've got a crack, the other replies hold on I'm not hard

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My sister's got hay fever, and now she has diabetes. So i've tried to cheer her up - you know... flowers, chocolates...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Two eggs in a saucepan, one says I've got a crack, the other replies hold on I'm not hard"

That's a good one lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"The brain is the most important organ in the body, but then again look who is making me think that"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Where is felixtow?............... On the end of his foot

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By *uby0000Woman
over a year ago

hertfordshire

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

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By *uby0000Woman
over a year ago

hertfordshire

bloke telling his mate he had found a woman tied to the railway track he untied her and they had sex

did she give you a blowjob? nah I couldn't find her head

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By *ollipop77Couple
over a year ago

Sunny Manchester

Why did the bike lye down??

It was two tyred!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are pirates scary?

Because they Arrrrggghhh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two monkeys in a bath one says " ooh ooh aah ahh aah ooo"the other says "well put some cold water in then!"

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!

A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then poo he disappeared without a tres!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sausage and an egg in a frying pan. The sausage says "Christ it's hot in here." The egg replies "fuck me, a talking sausage!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The polling count.... Thats a difficult job especially if you've got hay fever

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".

to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"

"Did you get a blow job?"

"Naw, I couldnt find her head"

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By *haunMan
over a year ago

Halton

Two from me.

They are shit, but I have remembered them for years...

What's got two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a dog.

And why do women have legs?

So they don't leave snail trails when they move.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

my uncle had a paper shop

it blew away

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By *uby0000Woman
over a year ago

hertfordshire

vampires packed lunch is a used sanitary towel

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By *icked weaselCouple
over a year ago

Near Edinburgh..

Hot-Dog Seller At the Twin-Towers

Asking who the fuck had ordered the Two Jumbos..

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