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Witty one liners.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Has anyone in the forums local to me noticed my little status update jokes? I found it's a good way to get myself to the top of the page and give people a little chuckle at the same time. It's got me a bit more interest lately too

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I like witty panty liners

the paint by numbers ones are hilarious

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

A nice twist on the look at me.

Go on then, give us something witty in one line.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't know any one liners

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I met Phil Specters brother Crispin at the weekend. He's in charge of quality control at Walkers.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I struggled to pick up a bottle of water today. It was an Evian.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"I met Phil Specters brother Crispin at the weekend. He's in charge of quality control at Walkers."

That's two sentences. Is it written on a really long line?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My grandad got his tongue shot off in the second world war. But he doesn't talk about it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I met Phil Specters brother Crispin at the weekend. He's in charge of quality control at Walkers.

That's two sentences. Is it written on a really long line? "

Bloodu hell! I want expecting hecklers.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP your status is funny though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Got a delivery of bubble wrap today at work .

My boss said "just pop it in the corner

4 hours I was there

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you have trouble sleeping, lay on the edge of the bed, you will soon drop off

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My current status is

BJs may make your day, but anal makes your hole weak.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Jesus. I've started something now. Feel free to chip in. I'll be borrowing them tomorrow

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Got a delivery of bubble wrap today at work .

My boss said "just pop it in the corner

4 hours I was there "

Sorry op this one beats yours lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Got a delivery of bubble wrap today at work .

My boss said "just pop it in the corner

4 hours I was there

Sorry op this one beats yours lol"

I have to agree. I did actually lol in real life.

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By *eliciousladyWoman
over a year ago

Sometimes U.K


"Got a delivery of bubble wrap today at work .

My boss said "just pop it in the corner

4 hours I was there

Sorry op this one beats yours lol

I have to agree. I did actually lol in real life. "

and I did

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By *uby0000Woman
over a year ago

hertfordshire

funny

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I once had an audition for the porn industry, but the competition was stiff.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I cannot wait until tomorrow!! I get more beautiful everyday

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I cannot wait until tomorrow!! I get more beautiful everyday"

Now that one I like

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By *hortieWoman
over a year ago

Northampton

Parachute for sale. Never opened. One small stain.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I got a letter from the Origami association today...i dont know what to make of it yet

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I didnt come here to be insulted,why where do you normally go.Thanks to Groucho Marx.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My granddad walked into the room with boot polish on his knob. Seems he misheard us when we said to turn his clock back.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Saw a man walking round and round the cemetery with a gravestone on his shoulder

Think he'd lost the plot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats the definition of blue tac? Smurf shit

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball."

Shouldn't that be, a man has more chance of finding a good ball, lol. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Doctor Doctor i feel like a roundabout..dont worry theres alot of that going around at the moment

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Shouldn't that be, a man has more chance of finding a good ball, lol. X "

Most men spend more time looking for a golf ball. lol. Apart from some I know.

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I remember my ex asking me what I was looking at on the PC

I said. Flights love

She gave me the best bj I've ever had.

Did not even know she liked darts

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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen


"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak."

I'm stealing that one for future status updates!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

We're on a roll now people. I love laughing me!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Got a delivery of bubble wrap today at work .

My boss said "just pop it in the corner

4 hours I was there

Sorry op this one beats yours lol

I have to agree. I did actually lol in real life.

and I did "

and me, and iv nicked it for facebook

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Got a delivery of bubble wrap today at work .

My boss said "just pop it in the corner

4 hours I was there

Sorry op this one beats yours lol

I have to agree. I did actually lol in real life.

and I did

and me, and iv nicked it for facebook "
I do have copyrights Yer know

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I've just nicked these two from a friend too shy to post:

Life is an STI.

Sex is like air - it's not important unless you're not getting any.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak."

I had that.

Only it should be: "Until you HEAR them speak"

Or it doesn't work.

You know sound/light speed travel.

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By *VfunGUY007Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

[Removed by poster at 27/04/15 21:41:27]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

: What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?

The more you play with them, the harder they get!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Whats the definition of blue tac? Smurf shit"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

I had that.

Only it should be: "Until you HEAR them speak"

Or it doesn't work.

You know sound/light speed travel.

"

You are so smart

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

I had that.

Only it should be: "Until you HEAR them speak"

Or it doesn't work.

You know sound/light speed travel.

You are so smart "

Oh hello..look who it is.

You can go away.

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By *eliciousladyWoman
over a year ago

Sometimes U.K


"I remember my ex asking me what I was looking at on the PC

I said. Flights love

She gave me the best bj I've ever had.

Did not even know she liked darts "

Erm..I don't get it

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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound


"I remember my ex asking me what I was looking at on the PC

I said. Flights love

She gave me the best bj I've ever had.

Did not even know she liked darts

Erm..I don't get it "

That's made me laugh. Sorry.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I remember my ex asking me what I was looking at on the PC

I said. Flights love

She gave me the best bj I've ever had.

Did not even know she liked darts

Erm..I don't get it "

Dart Flights

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By *loriajonCouple
over a year ago

near u

now that's funny, cos its true

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Got rid of the vacuum cleaner today, fed up with it collecting dust

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ive gone back to college to study sweets, its a refresher course

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What smells funny? Clown shit...

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By *hyblueEyesMan
over a year ago

Daventry

My sister accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

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By *ichaelangelaCouple
over a year ago

notts

be yourself,

everyone else is taken

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the healing elements?

Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

What's brown and sticky? A brown stick.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a girl with slates on her head?

Roof.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Here's one I posted on Saturday.

I won the euro millions last night. Told the girlfriend to pack her bags. She said 'Are we going on holiday?'. I said 'No, I'm kicking you out!'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you get when you cross a one liner and a rhetorical question?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My pet mouse Elvis died last night.......He was caught in a trap..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My pet mouse Elvis died last night.......He was caught in a trap.. "

love it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Has anyone in the forums local to me noticed my little status update jokes? I found it's a good way to get myself to the top of the page and give people a little chuckle at the same time. It's got me a bit more interest lately too "

Think it may be more than just the one-liners, my status regularly has them on but it doesn't get me any extra interest!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My Grandad was a soldier who specialised in arctic warfare.........He used to throw snowballs at the Germans....

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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

Mine is currently "Vin Diesel - American actor or cheap French wine from Aldi"

I rarely put statuses other than one/two liners up and get occasional messages if folk like them

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"What's brown and sticky? A brown stick."

Ha, I like those.....

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By *uby0000Woman
over a year ago

hertfordshire

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I liked the Smurf poo

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on a tendem. One stays to the other 'ooh, I've never cum this way before!'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine"

Hahahaha!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine

Hahahaha!! "

Im glad your laughing with me as im not fucking funny at all and just googled it .

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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

Saw a long line of teddy bears outside the vasectomy clinic.....I guess today's the day the teddy bears get their picks snipped...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Saw a long line of teddy bears outside the vasectomy clinic.....I guess today's the day the teddy bears get their picks snipped... "

Prick

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

The dyslexic devil worshipper..........sold his soul to Santa.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I don't mind people telling me they're gay, but I don't want it ramming down my throat.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't mind people telling me they're gay, but I don't want it ramming down my throat. "

whoop ha

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I don't think I could handle being rejected by men as well as women.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I was tending to the mother in laws grave today. She thinks I'm digging a pond.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to the Drs ' I said " Dr I think I'm a moth.

He said " you don't want to be here , you need to be at the psychiatrist down the road.

I said ' " I know I was on my way there and saw your light on

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A man was arrested today for stealing helium balloons. Police held him for a while then let him go.

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By *dam_TinaCouple
over a year ago

Hampshire


"My pet mouse Elvis died last night.......He was caught in a trap.. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine

Hahahaha!! "

Now that is a witty one-liner

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Current status is....

Ever had sex while camping? It’s fucking intents.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't mind people telling me they're gay, but I don't want it ramming down my throat. "

Less of the gay jokes. Cum on guys

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Watching a Squirrel trying to get at the bird feeder. He must have gone to the "school of hard nuts" as he managed to get past the defences.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Velcro ....... What a rip off !!!

Black Beauty....... Now that was a dark horse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I don't mind people telling me they're gay, but I don't want it ramming down my throat.

Less of the gay jokes. Cum on guys "

Point taken but your the one that cums on guys

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Velcro ....... What a rip off !!!

Black Beauty....... Now that was a dark horse "

Black beauty ... he was a dark horse.....is better

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Thanks everyone. Really enjoyed this thread

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts


"Has anyone in the forums local to me noticed my little status update jokes? I found it's a good way to get myself to the top of the page and give people a little chuckle at the same time. It's got me a bit more interest lately too

Think it may be more than just the one-liners, my status regularly has them on but it doesn't get me any extra interest!!"

I get a lot of messages about mine. However, I make mine up, rather than find them on the net, so it can be hit and miss.

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By *artytwoCouple
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

Apparently nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Collecting antiques won't make you gay but it will make you buy curios

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to be addicted to the hokey y but I've turned it around now, and THAT'S what it's all about....

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By *illymint45Man
over a year ago

Cheshire

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Watched a tv show on ship building the other night....it was riveting!!!

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By *illymint45Man
over a year ago

Cheshire

What's the difference between an egg and a walk?

You can beat an egg!!!

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By *illymint45Man
over a year ago

Cheshire

* want. Damn autocorrect

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By *illymint45Man
over a year ago

Cheshire

*wank. Double damn

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By *illymint45Man
over a year ago

Cheshire

What do you know my phone doesn't like having a wank

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I heard a song on the radio this morning about fajitas

Well it was actually more of a wrap

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By *ain n MableWoman
over a year ago

Milton Keynes


"Got a delivery of bubble wrap today at work .

My boss said "just pop it in the corner

4 hours I was there "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In Tesco today some random guy was throwing milk and cheese around. How dairy.

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By *rank EinsteinMan
over a year ago

Burton upon stather

Never hold in a fart. The gas travels up to your brain and that's where shitty idea's come from.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to my local pet shop to buy a spider ! They charge anywhere between £50 to £150 for one !!!

Surely you can get em cheaper off the web

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can I use your dictaphone? No, use your finger like anyone else.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Got a delivery of bubble wrap today at work .

My boss said "just pop it in the corner

4 hours I was there "

I think that's hilarious but I would

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Got a delivery of bubble wrap today at work .

My boss said "just pop it in the corner

4 hours I was there

I think that's hilarious but I would "
that's what they say when I get naked

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By *risky_MareWoman
over a year ago

...Up on the Downs


"Got a delivery of bubble wrap today at work .

My boss said "just pop it in the corner

4 hours I was there

I think that's hilarious but I would that's what they say when I get naked "

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By *ustcutieWoman
over a year ago

edinburgh

My boyfriend broke up with me after I stole his wheelchair..... But don't worry he'll come crawling back

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By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

QE2. That's one liner

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you know theyre making contact lenses out of viagra now? Supposed to make you look hard.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tim Vine on fab..... Well I very never....

Good thread btw

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife went on holiday to the West Indies....

/insert punch line

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Relationships are like a pack of cards. Hearts to love, diamond to marry, club to batter and a spade to bury

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Punched a guy in B&Q today, he came up and asked if I wanted decking....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Punched a guy in B&Q today, he came up and asked if I wanted decking....

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