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"The kids are the whole reason I even try to have anything to do with them anymore." So there's your answer. Do it. | |||
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"The kids are the whole reason I even try to have anything to do with them anymore." How old are the kids? Do they want to see your family? | |||
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"The kids are the whole reason I even try to have anything to do with them anymore." Drive there and as soon as "stuff" kicks off drive back again. | |||
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"This post is brought to you by anxiety about my dad visiting and the manipulation that comes with it. Short version to a long story. My parents and brother don't like the choices I have made in my life (and have nothing to do with swinging) and instead of being adults and realizing that in 35 years, I have never done anything just because they or society in general deem it appropriate...they have chosen to talk to me as little as possible and in quite a few cases spout lies to others. It has gotten so bad that instead of seeing my children through me, they were for quite a while, not even telling me when they were in town and seeing my kids through my exhusband (who they adore and have no idea what was really going on in our relationship and why the divorce actually happened). They have no desire to listen to what I have to say about it and wouldn't believe me if they would listen. My mother has even sent Christmas and Birthday gifts I have sent her back to me, unwrapped. The last time my parents were up, my grandma tried to get my boys for a sleepover without telling me my parents were up. I don't take well to dealing with this stuff, so I just go on with my life. I figure if they can't reach out to me...I am done reaching out to them. However, my dad is coming up this weekend. He wants to see the boys (and made it clear he didn't want to see Adam and his son). Fine. I have less of an issue with my dad than I do anyone else in my family. I want my boys to see their grandfather and Adam figures, if they don't accept him...he doesn't really want to be with them anyway. Problem is...he is saying how he has very little time up here and wants me to go to my brother's campsite and hang there. I'm not comfortable at all with this. My brother is the one who started most of this by spewing lies on facebook and then acting like a big baby and running to mommy when Adam retaliated in private message. My dad wants to pick me and the boys up to go out there. I am not comfortable with being "stuck" somewhere if my brother starts shit. I think I will tell him, I will go out...but I am driving myself and my kids. I am NOT looking forward to this little encounter. Anyone else deal with this nonsense? " In answer to your question no we don't deal with nonsense like this, we refuse to engage but our children are grown up so things are slightly different. However if you were to just say you aren't doing it and if your father wants to see the kids he'll have to come to you what would happen? | |||
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"Foxyowl I really feel for you and i have family issues as well, always been the black sheep, my mother moved and did not even tell me and she hates my kids who are not bad at all, never see family or friends now....humans can be evil grrrr. Also you have written a lot of personal issues down, be careful of manipulators xx " my sincere apologies for bringing this subject up but have read all posts and as a swingleton I really don't know where to turn J xx | |||
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"This post is brought to you by anxiety about my dad visiting and the manipulation that comes with it. Short version to a long story. My parents and brother don't like the choices I have made in my life (and have nothing to do with swinging) and instead of being adults and realizing that in 35 years, I have never done anything just because they or society in general deem it appropriate...they have chosen to talk to me as little as possible and in quite a few cases spout lies to others. It has gotten so bad that instead of seeing my children through me, they were for quite a while, not even telling me when they were in town and seeing my kids through my exhusband (who they adore and have no idea what was really going on in our relationship and why the divorce actually happened). They have no desire to listen to what I have to say about it and wouldn't believe me if they would listen. My mother has even sent Christmas and Birthday gifts I have sent her back to me, unwrapped. The last time my parents were up, my grandma tried to get my boys for a sleepover without telling me my parents were up. I don't take well to dealing with this stuff, so I just go on with my life. I figure if they can't reach out to me...I am done reaching out to them. However, my dad is coming up this weekend. He wants to see the boys (and made it clear he didn't want to see Adam and his son). Fine. I have less of an issue with my dad than I do anyone else in my family. I want my boys to see their grandfather and Adam figures, if they don't accept him...he doesn't really want to be with them anyway. Problem is...he is saying how he has very little time up here and wants me to go to my brother's campsite and hang there. I'm not comfortable at all with this. My brother is the one who started most of this by spewing lies on facebook and then acting like a big baby and running to mommy when Adam retaliated in private message. My dad wants to pick me and the boys up to go out there. I am not comfortable with being "stuck" somewhere if my brother starts shit. I think I will tell him, I will go out...but I am driving myself and my kids. I am NOT looking forward to this little encounter. Anyone else deal with this nonsense? " No, thank goodness - but my ex's family were quite good at the emotional blackmail and I simply will not collude with it anywhere. I personally would hold my ground, stay were I felt comfortable and safe and say 'No, you want to see them, you come to their home.' If you are firm he may just agree, if he really doesn't have enough time you have the option of driving yourself to your brothers so you can leave at any time. I certainly would not let him drive me under any circumstances. | |||
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"Foxyowl I really feel for you and i have family issues as well, always been the black sheep, my mother moved and did not even tell me and she hates my kids who are not bad at all, never see family or friends now....humans can be evil grrrr. Also you have written a lot of personal issues down, be careful of manipulators xx my sincere apologies for bringing this subject up but have read all posts and as a swingleton I really don't know where to turn J xx " You having similar problems with your family? I'd read up about narcissistic manipulation and abuse, then you know why these people scapegoat and treat other people like shit. Then once you've absorbed the truth in, decide what you want to do about it. I fucked my dad off years ago, didn't even know the whole story but never really liked him. Now i know why i'm glad i did it. There's a good support group an facebook called After Narcissistic Abuse - There is Light, Life & Love, they also do a blog with really good insight. And another good blog is PsychopathFree. | |||
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"Foxyowl I really feel for you and i have family issues as well, always been the black sheep, my mother moved and did not even tell me and she hates my kids who are not bad at all, never see family or friends now....humans can be evil grrrr. Also you have written a lot of personal issues down, be careful of manipulators xx my sincere apologies for bringing this subject up but have read all posts and as a swingleton I really don't know where to turn J xx You having similar problems with your family? I'd read up about narcissistic manipulation and abuse, then you know why these people scapegoat and treat other people like shit. Then once you've absorbed the truth in, decide what you want to do about it. I fucked my dad off years ago, didn't even know the whole story but never really liked him. Now i know why i'm glad i did it. There's a good support group an facebook called After Narcissistic Abuse - There is Light, Life & Love, they also do a blog with really good insight. And another good blog is PsychopathFree." Some very good articles on narcissistic entrapment there - I was married to a full blown but luckily passive aggressive narcissist, and I do seem to attract them.  | |||
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"Foxyowl I really feel for you and i have family issues as well, always been the black sheep, my mother moved and did not even tell me and she hates my kids who are not bad at all, never see family or friends now....humans can be evil grrrr. Also you have written a lot of personal issues down, be careful of manipulators xx my sincere apologies for bringing this subject up but have read all posts and as a swingleton I really don't know where to turn J xx You having similar problems with your family? I'd read up about narcissistic manipulation and abuse, then you know why these people scapegoat and treat other people like shit. Then once you've absorbed the truth in, decide what you want to do about it. I fucked my dad off years ago, didn't even know the whole story but never really liked him. Now i know why i'm glad i did it. There's a good support group an facebook called After Narcissistic Abuse - There is Light, Life & Love, they also do a blog with really good insight. And another good blog is PsychopathFree. Some very good articles on narcissistic entrapment there - I was married to a full blown but luckily passive aggressive narcissist, and I do seem to attract them. "Yeah, anyone can learn why they attract them on those sites too, and be able to do something about it.  | |||
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"Foxyowl I really feel for you and i have family issues as well, always been the black sheep, my mother moved and did not even tell me and she hates my kids who are not bad at all, never see family or friends now....humans can be evil grrrr. Also you have written a lot of personal issues down, be careful of manipulators xx my sincere apologies for bringing this subject up but have read all posts and as a swingleton I really don't know where to turn J xx You having similar problems with your family? I'd read up about narcissistic manipulation and abuse, then you know why these people scapegoat and treat other people like shit. Then once you've absorbed the truth in, decide what you want to do about it. I fucked my dad off years ago, didn't even know the whole story but never really liked him. Now i know why i'm glad i did it. There's a good support group an facebook called After Narcissistic Abuse - There is Light, Life & Love, they also do a blog with really good insight. And another good blog is PsychopathFree. Some very good articles on narcissistic entrapment there - I was married to a full blown but luckily passive aggressive narcissist, and I do seem to attract them.
Yeah, anyone can learn why they attract them on those sites too, and be able to do something about it. "Not sure about that - one article I read recently on the subject suggested it was the qualities of being sensitive and empathetic - but those are qualities in myself I admire most and have done my best to develop. | |||
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"Thanks all but unfortunately I cannot ask nor wil ever get an answer to anything I asked of my parents now ,,, they both died within 11 days of each other very early this year ,,,,. And for all my misgivings they were ,.,,,,. something together x " Awwww sweety so sorry ,horrible to lose parents young in life | |||
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"Foxyowl I really feel for you and i have family issues as well, always been the black sheep, my mother moved and did not even tell me and she hates my kids who are not bad at all, never see family or friends now....humans can be evil grrrr. Also you have written a lot of personal issues down, be careful of manipulators xx my sincere apologies for bringing this subject up but have read all posts and as a swingleton I really don't know where to turn J xx You having similar problems with your family? I'd read up about narcissistic manipulation and abuse, then you know why these people scapegoat and treat other people like shit. Then once you've absorbed the truth in, decide what you want to do about it. I fucked my dad off years ago, didn't even know the whole story but never really liked him. Now i know why i'm glad i did it. There's a good support group an facebook called After Narcissistic Abuse - There is Light, Life & Love, they also do a blog with really good insight. And another good blog is PsychopathFree. Some very good articles on narcissistic entrapment there - I was married to a full blown but luckily passive aggressive narcissist, and I do seem to attract them.
Yeah, anyone can learn why they attract them on those sites too, and be able to do something about it.
Not sure about that - one article I read recently on the subject suggested it was the qualities of being sensitive and empathetic - but those are qualities in myself I admire most and have done my best to develop. "Continue reading, that is exactly why they like you because you care about other people and look for the best in others, so maybe don't notice the shit parts of them. They also mirror you, they probe you for info and they use that info to become what you admire and want in someone else. They aren't stupid, far from it, but they know that pretending to be what you want is how you'll fall for them, once they've got you the game changes. And they'll make sure they know a lot about you, while withholding a lot of info about themselves. | |||
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"Foxyowl I really feel for you and i have family issues as well, always been the black sheep, my mother moved and did not even tell me and she hates my kids who are not bad at all, never see family or friends now....humans can be evil grrrr. Also you have written a lot of personal issues down, be careful of manipulators xx my sincere apologies for bringing this subject up but have read all posts and as a swingleton I really don't know where to turn J xx You having similar problems with your family? I'd read up about narcissistic manipulation and abuse, then you know why these people scapegoat and treat other people like shit. Then once you've absorbed the truth in, decide what you want to do about it. I fucked my dad off years ago, didn't even know the whole story but never really liked him. Now i know why i'm glad i did it. There's a good support group an facebook called After Narcissistic Abuse - There is Light, Life & Love, they also do a blog with really good insight. And another good blog is PsychopathFree. Some very good articles on narcissistic entrapment there - I was married to a full blown but luckily passive aggressive narcissist, and I do seem to attract them.
Yeah, anyone can learn why they attract them on those sites too, and be able to do something about it.
Not sure about that - one article I read recently on the subject suggested it was the qualities of being sensitive and empathetic - but those are qualities in myself I admire most and have done my best to develop.
Continue reading, that is exactly why they like you because you care about other people and look for the best in others, so maybe don't notice the shit parts of them. They also mirror you, they probe you for info and they use that info to become what you admire and want in someone else. They aren't stupid, far from it, but they know that pretending to be what you want is how you'll fall for them, once they've got you the game changes. And they'll make sure they know a lot about you, while withholding a lot of info about themselves."Oh absolutely, there's a massive amount of info on the web when you know where to look. I recommend a book called 'Stalking the Soul' too, that helped me understand a lot. | |||
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"Foxyowl I really feel for you and i have family issues as well, always been the black sheep, my mother moved and did not even tell me and she hates my kids who are not bad at all, never see family or friends now....humans can be evil grrrr. Also you have written a lot of personal issues down, be careful of manipulators xx my sincere apologies for bringing this subject up but have read all posts and as a swingleton I really don't know where to turn J xx You having similar problems with your family? I'd read up about narcissistic manipulation and abuse, then you know why these people scapegoat and treat other people like shit. Then once you've absorbed the truth in, decide what you want to do about it. I fucked my dad off years ago, didn't even know the whole story but never really liked him. Now i know why i'm glad i did it. There's a good support group an facebook called After Narcissistic Abuse - There is Light, Life & Love, they also do a blog with really good insight. And another good blog is PsychopathFree. Some very good articles on narcissistic entrapment there - I was married to a full blown but luckily passive aggressive narcissist, and I do seem to attract them.
Yeah, anyone can learn why they attract them on those sites too, and be able to do something about it.
Not sure about that - one article I read recently on the subject suggested it was the qualities of being sensitive and empathetic - but those are qualities in myself I admire most and have done my best to develop.
Continue reading, that is exactly why they like you because you care about other people and look for the best in others, so maybe don't notice the shit parts of them. They also mirror you, they probe you for info and they use that info to become what you admire and want in someone else. They aren't stupid, far from it, but they know that pretending to be what you want is how you'll fall for them, once they've got you the game changes. And they'll make sure they know a lot about you, while withholding a lot of info about themselves.
Oh absolutely, there's a massive amount of info on the web when you know where to look. I recommend a book called 'Stalking the Soul' too, that helped me understand a lot."I'm alright now, studied psychology for a few years previously so knew some stuff, just didn't understand how people could be nice all the time without actually feeling anything, kind of a scary thought really. There was also a couple of other things i didn't understand about what i did myself, but i found out it was down to postponed trauma. Might read it out of interest though if i ever am not on this site lol. | |||
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"NB My point being that the qualities I have which attract them are qualities I want to keep. Loyalty is another, I am phenomenally loyal. That worked to my detriment - I stayed in a bad marriage many more years that I should have, and yet I LIKE being an uber-loyal person. One just needs to find the right person to be loyal to. "I didn't mean change yourself, but you are vulnerable to these people because of it. You can change how other people interact with you, notice more subtle ways people use you and why you allow that. Now i know i haven't been allowed to learn proper boundaries when i was younger because they were often crossed or beaten out of me and am working on this. And i'm fine with this, i know 100% i didn't deserve any of it, some people just use your vulnerabilities against you and they are the ones with the problem, they're disordered. | |||
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"NB My point being that the qualities I have which attract them are qualities I want to keep. Loyalty is another, I am phenomenally loyal. That worked to my detriment - I stayed in a bad marriage many more years that I should have, and yet I LIKE being an uber-loyal person. One just needs to find the right person to be loyal to.
I didn't mean change yourself, but you are vulnerable to these people because of it. You can change how other people interact with you, notice more subtle ways people use you and why you allow that.
Now i know i haven't been allowed to learn proper boundaries when i was younger because they were often crossed or beaten out of me and am working on this. And i'm fine with this, i know 100% i didn't deserve any of it, some people just use your vulnerabilities against you and they are the ones with the problem, they're disordered."Absolutely. My boundaries are not that good either, but luckily my character and sense of self-worth were strong enough not to be anhialated by the experience, though it did nearly kill me physically. He was not overtly abusive in any way, and was trying very hard to be the 'good person' he pretended to be, so the aggression was all passive. He was more the delusional kind, he believed his own lies by the end and totally lost touch with reality I believe.Sad. | |||
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"Absolutely. My boundaries are not that good either, but luckily my character and sense of self-worth were strong enough not to be anhialated by the experience, though it did nearly kill me physically. He was not overtly abusive in any way, and was trying very hard to be the 'good person' he pretended to be, so the aggression was all passive. He was more the delusional kind, he believed his own lies by the end and totally lost touch with reality I believe.Sad." They all believe their own lies, that's why it's best to cut them dead completely. My first kids dad was blatant about his narcissm, but i was used to it so thought it was normal. Had a good, normal relationship after this and fucked my dad off then coz i realised i didn't need people like him and i needed normal people in my life. I got my self esteem back proper then. Only ended up with my last boyfriend because he was sneaky about it, he hid loads of stuff. Easily let him go once i realised he'd never actually cared about me, just himself, and lying didn't bother him. 2 months ago i was in pieces, still felt like i loved him and was in bits, i'm fine now lol. When we first got back in touch with each other i saw his 'crazy' behaviour and was worried about him, wondered what happened to him that made him change like that, but now i know i saw the real him. He got better again pretty quickly too. 
I'm very wary though now. Maybe all people find it hard to create boundaries? Idk. | |||
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"The kids are the whole reason I even try to have anything to do with them anymore." Are the kids old enough to ask for their opinions? I agree with if you go drive yourself, but if it's too much stress say no. If they want to see the kids go to yours. | |||
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