FabSwingers.com forum: Domestic Violence

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

hello there everyone, need some advice as something happened at work today and i didnt know what to do or what i should do.

if you think that a guy has bullied and beaten up his girlfriend, what should you do? stay out of it? report it to the police? not get involved?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i think you need to elaborate more. Did this happen at work, is he or she a friend of yours, does he do it often? if you see it happening, you can call the police, you could threaten him but that would mean she would get a beating, id like to say do nothing but i know its difficult, been there, watched my step dad beat the crap out of my mum so not good

was too scared to do anything.

Like i said, elaborate more

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

didnt really want too go in to all the details but i will as i dont think people should get away with something like that...

basically i work part-time in a pharmacy and i was working today, this girl probably in her late twenties came in an hour before closing time - she had already come in earlier on during the day and bought a few things - and she started saying that she hadn't been given the correct change, that she had given a £50 pound note and she was short of money so i hadn't given her the correct change and she wanted me to check the till and wanted her money back coz her 'boyfriend was going mental at her'. so anyway i told her that she should have checked her change before she left and that i couldn't check the till until i cashed up at the end of the day. and she didn't want to wait that long so i said the only thing i could do right now is check the cctv footage. after doing that it came out that i had given her the correct change as it was clearly shown on the camera. after that she broke down and started crying, saying her boyfriend was mad because she was £10 short. i couldn't be of much help after that and she left. half an hour later she came back in with her boyfriend coz he also wanted to see the video. at this point i noticed that she was in a state and had bruises on her face and arms. i think its obvious what must have happened.

just dont know what to do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

im gona play devils advocate here. you say its obvious what happend but you rele dont know. if you are so concerned then by all means phone the police however you did not witness any crime. all the police would be able to do is check on her well being.

the police turn up at the door asking questions................. say this is abit of a psycho inside, is it going to make things worse??????

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

And not wanting to sound harsh and judge someone who may ? be having boyfriend grief, but may it not have been a scam in order to obtain some money ?

Stranger things have happened.

If it is true and she is being beaten.. maybe you could have a quiet word with a copper but nine times out of ten.they will say that unless SHE reports it.

They can do nothing .

Hope all turns out ok though.

Its nice to think there are concerned citizens about there

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By *pecial bbCouple
over a year ago

london

firstly its nice to know that their are people that care out there.

its a toughy - but you havent physically witnessed anything therefore the police will probably not be interested. Domestics are taken more seriously by police now but the situation isnt a witnessed one.

If the police were to track her down and go around it could cause him to kick off again which wouldnt be good.

I would wait to see if she came in again, ask if all was ok. Take her to one side. Say something along the lines of 'hope you dont mind me mentioning but' and then say i had seen the bruises. Let her know there are agencies that could help her and sow the seed in her mind that she can get support to get out of the situation if she needed them. Women have to be incredibly strong to escape these relationships, they are humiliated and terrified by the situation and man so tread carefully.

Once again well done you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

nobody should be hit or abused if someone hits you its because they dont like you!or are not strong enough or adult enough to handle there own emotions but you wont be thanked for interfearing even though its morally right to do so perhaps next time you see her try an have a chat in private as for the money bit it sounds like a scam sounds weird to loose one note out of several

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Right my opinion is you can only help someone who wants help, in many cases you can get the police invilved but the women wont press charges so bugger all comes of it, except you'll probably make things worse for her

I wouldnt call the police

Personally i would take the woman to one side and ask her if she wants help before i took it upon myself to do it and probably ger her another beating in the act

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think you're concern is fantastic and I applaud you for it.

1. Don't do anything apart from the learning you are already taking on board.

2. First I thought she was pulling for extra change but then I thought it was odd that she came in with her boyfriend to double check. Maybe they needed to appear genuine as she will use the store again. They could be 'not totally stable' and not even realise their actions are strange.

Could still be a scam and she just wanted the tenner without her b/f knowing.

I know it's difficult for men who have been raised to be decent and/protectors of women not to be fooled by tears. Other women who have the same outlook as me will tell you that genuine tears from a woman suffering hardship are totally different than those from a conniving waster who uses it as a tactic against men.

Anyway ..... being a tenner down is NOT hardship. Life gets a lot fookin tougher.

This ole lady thinks you have a bit of experience to muster

get a bit of a harder shell. Don't sweat what you can't fix.

If you knew her well as a neighbour or freind then yeah ....alert the police they would eventually send a woman p.c around to ask her if there were any probs.....and guess what.......if she says no ......they leave it there. So don't sweat about some one elses life.

BTW .... I have two very dark deep purple bruises on the inside of my left arm. They hurt..and look reallllllllly bad.

I'll leave it to people to imagine how they got there

xx Gran xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

yeah i must admit when i read it i thought it sounded like a con to get money

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"And not wanting to sound harsh and judge someone who may ? be having boyfriend grief, but may it not have been a scam in order to obtain some money ?

Stranger things have happened.

If it is true and she is being beaten.. maybe you could have a quiet word with a copper but nine times out of ten.they will say that unless SHE reports it.

They can do nothing .

Hope all turns out ok though.

Its nice to think there are concerned citizens about there

Hmmm, I must be getting cynical in my old age as my first thought was "scam" too.

Agree with the rest of your post too!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If it was a scam or if he is beating her regularly - or both - it's probably a good bet that they are known to the police already. Report the incident so there is a log of it happening, show the police the CCTV footage and let them deal with it, that's their job after all. If she gets another clout from the lout then more fool her for not dumping the wanker. Sound harsh? You betcha. A bully can only operate if there is a victim to operate on and if someone writes the word 'doormat' on their forehead then they shouldn't be surprised if someone wipes their feet on them.

Report it and forget it. That's what I'd do.

If it was someone I knew well, I'd tell him to leave her alone and if he does it again he'll feel what it's like from someone who can fight back - me!

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

[Removed by poster at 18/09/10 07:59:13]

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By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

seek guidance from your manager and/or HR department.

hope it all works out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's worth remembering that as an employee you have a duty to your employer to report the incident to him/her at the very least.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would report the incident to my manager for certain.

As for the lady in question, if she appears again and in a state of distress, all I would do is to let her know I am there to help if she needs it.

Good luck!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

thanx to everyone for the advice

i have spoken and discussed the incident with my manager and at the moment i am just going to leave it at that.

The couple are regular customers at the store so no doubt i will see them again. and when the opportunity arises i will have a quick word with her aside letting her know that help is out there anytime she needs it. the rest would be down to her.

and if they were trying to scam, it didn't work and wouldn't have.

thanx again for the help

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By *histler21Man
over a year ago

Ipswich

Report it. I can't abide domestic violence. So much so, that I have problems 'play' spanking even when begged to do so.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

BTW, bear in mind that in real life, bruises do not appear right away, unlike in films etc...!

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By *ensualfire88Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Hard as it is to stand by and do nothing, i think situations like this are akin to watching someone you know taking drugs or something...

...there's loads of help out there, and the authorities (including the Police) are much better at dealing with it than they used to be.

But the person being abused needs to ask for that help. They are the only person who can get the ball rolling.

And they are usually the last one to do so.

There is nothing worse than watching someone who can be helped pushing help away. I've seen it, and it sucks.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"BTW, bear in mind that in real life, bruises do not appear right away, unlike in films etc...!

Depends on the severity, I bruise really easily and they show up quickly.

Also, sounds like you have done the right thing reporting it to your manager so the other staff may be made aware in case it reoccurs.

Its nice to know there are folks like you out there, but its a fine line between being a concerned citizen and being taken for a ride.

Somebody famous,(I think it might have been Churchill) once said," Evil flourishes when good men do nothing"

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By *aughty_kittyWoman
over a year ago

finger licking good

i just gave my boyfriend a dead leg cos he would not give me the remote and i got brused knuckles already lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The only person who can report this is the woman herself! Keep out of it as doing anything could make situation worse!

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By *i 1 Get 1 FreeCouple (MM)
over a year ago

birmingham

"Keep out of it as doing anything could make situation worse!"

Walking round wearing blinkers could also make the situation worse.

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By *umourCouple
over a year ago

Rushden

[Removed by poster at 18/09/10 20:18:05]

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By *umourCouple
over a year ago

Rushden

"Keep out of it as doing anything could make situation worse!

Walking round wearing blinkers could also make the situation worse. "

People "minding their own business" is why we have the society we all complain about but never do anything to change! Perhaps it's not our business!

"Yes darling, I can see that guy assualting that girl, but it's just not my business!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Keep out of it as doing anything could make situation worse!

Walking round wearing blinkers could also make the situation worse. "

it is a hard one but i do agree that if you take it upon yourself to call the police the you could make matters worse

The chances are if the police was called the women wouldnt press charges because very few women do, mainly out of fear, what you have to remember is after you have jumped in and called the police, the police have been round to see them, everyones gone home its her whos then got to live in the after math of it, shes still got to live with him, its ok saying she can leave but we live in the real world not an ideal world and leaving isnt always that easy

And to be quite blunt only people who have never been in that situation think it is

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By *i 1 Get 1 FreeCouple (MM)
over a year ago

birmingham

"Keep out of it as doing anything could make situation worse!

Walking round wearing blinkers could also make the situation worse.

it is a hard one but i do agree that if you take it upon yourself to call the police the you could make matters worse

Offering support and encouraging the abused to seek advice from agencies like “Refuge” would probably be the best place to start.

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By *ensualfire88Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

"Keep out of it as doing anything could make situation worse!

Walking round wearing blinkers could also make the situation worse.

it is a hard one but i do agree that if you take it upon yourself to call the police the you could make matters worse

Offering support and encouraging the abused to seek advice from agencies like “Refuge” would probably be the best place to start."

Agree.

There's a lot of support and help available now, particularly for abused women.

But, to re-iterate my previous point, they have to put their hand up and and ask for it.

It's a heartbreaker, but intervening could well make things worse for someone being abused.

And i speak as someone who is prone to "jumping in".

(i would also just like to say that i'm impressed with the Fabsters on this thread - when someone posts something "real" there are more good people with sensible perspectives than you might think there would be)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Keep out of it as doing anything could make situation worse!

Walking round wearing blinkers could also make the situation worse.

it is a hard one but i do agree that if you take it upon yourself to call the police the you could make matters worse

Offering support and encouraging the abused to seek advice from agencies like “Refuge” would probably be the best place to start."

yes i 100% agree, as i said in a earlier post, if i thought someone was suffering this i would take them to one side and offer to help them in whatever way i could, however i would not just call the police because you have no idea of what the outcome of that will be, and you know with the best intention you could get them a thump for it, getting someone out of that situation is the main thing, not sending the police round to antagonize the abuser

I dont think its ever a good idea to take matters into your own hand, help people yes but not take over

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Report it. I can't abide domestic violence. So much so, that I have problems 'play' spanking even when begged to do so."

Hmmm dunno bout that. I have three floggers with my nickname on them and they're great fun with a willing recipient. Add to them a: cat o nine, a schoolmaster's cane, pin wheel (for making the holes in leather, but rather sensuous when rolled over the skin), various nipple clamps, handcuffs, ankle spreaders, ... um... better stop there I think before Siren reads this and wonders what she's married!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

years ago i knew a friend who was suffering domestic violence, and believe it or not many still love their partner even though they take beatings from them........ and most will side with the bully if you attempt to take sides until they themsleves have had enough of it..... i almost lost my friend over such a situation... it wasnt until years later she told me i had been right all along to report him.... so be very careful, things wont always turn out as you thikn and know they should xxxx

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By *ensualfire88Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

"years ago i knew a friend who was suffering domestic violence, and believe it or not many still love their partner even though they take beatings from them........ and most will side with the bully if you attempt to take sides until they themsleves have had enough of it..... i almost lost my friend over such a situation... it wasnt until years later she told me i had been right all along to report him.... so be very careful, things wont always turn out as you thikn and know they should xxxx

Yep.

I've been the spectator in that one.

Sucks.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've only known one woman personally who 'suffered' from domestic violence. She used to glorify in showing her bruises to everyone, say how she was gonna leave his ass, and then go back for some more. I'd had enough one evening and told the silly bint to either fuck off or fuck off. She fucked off.

Some people don't want to be helped and revel in their 'victim' status.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It takes the average woman 6 serious attempts to leave a violent relationship before she finally does.

Each week 2 women die in the UK as a result of domestic violence.

The stats for men as at the receiving end of abuse is unreliable as vastly under-reported for obvious reasons.

The figures speak for themselves and while it may appear that some remain in "victim mode" , "dont want to be helped" the issues are far more complex and perhaps we should not pass general judgements?

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Some official estimates report that DV to men is around 40% of the total. Of course the Police rarely want to know.

I'll let you know more when the swelling has gone down and i can see properly.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some official estimates report that DV to men is around 40% of the total. Of course the Police rarely want to know.

I'll let you know more when the swelling has gone down and i can see properly."

We were not talking about THAT kind of swelling Mushy...;-)

Serious note though, I believe it is around 40 percent and also DV includes not just being beating up, it includes a whole range of power and control issues, bullying, name calling, stopping partner from doing things they want to do etc. Sadly it really goes on also in so called "nice" families, in ALL ages, backgrounds - where you would not suspect when you see the people concerned outside their homes.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'll let you know more when the swelling has gone down and i can see properly."

Arnica and/ or witch hazle...

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

I'll let you know more when the swelling has gone down and i can see properly.

Arnica and/ or witch hazle...

Hazel, the ex.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Keep out of it as doing anything could make situation worse!

Walking round wearing blinkers could also make the situation worse. "

That's a wierd pic, what is it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"didnt really want too go in to all the details but i will as i dont think people should get away with something like that...

just dont know what to do."

Ring the police but on the 0845 no not the 999 one. Explain all the details and leave it in their hands. They will take action if they thin kit is required.

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