FabSwingers.com forum: UB40

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

There was I sitting in my armchair, happily typing some bollocks on one of these threads yesterday morning when out of the corner of my eye I saw something move.

WTF!

I looked up to see what it was and there, sitting in the middle of our dining room was a fookin huge RAT!

A loud yelp of surprise scared the little shit so much it darted back to wherever it had come from.

"Little fucker!" thought I.

All the doors to the dining room were closed except the one to the cloakroom, it had to have come from there. I pulled everything out, but it had well and truly scarpered. Bugger.

I told Siren about our little visitor so she could be on look out for it, and sure enough, later that day it appeared again but instead of darting back the way it came it shot off into the kitchen. Siren being the smart cookie she is thought it would a great idea to shut the kitchen door, thereby 'containing' it.

She told me what she'd done and we both gingerly opened the kitchen door to try and swat it with a fookin great big mallet.

No rat!

There was nowhere for it to go ffs! But it had gone.

Dammit!

We contacted the Rat Catcher at the council and they agreed to come out today. When he arrived he put down some poison, regaled us with lots of info on rats (wierdo) and said he'd be back next week to see if the poison had worked cos he had another RC (that's Rat Call - they even have a fookin name for it) across the road.

Now we all have problems with pesky vermin from time to time but did Siren really need to compound the issue by singing what she thought was an appropriate song for our current situation.

Yup, you guessed it.

I now have an endless loop of "Der's a rat in me kitchen, what I'm a gonna do?" playing in my head and it's driving me more insane than the fecking rodent that caused it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

change it for rat trap by the boomtown rats

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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago

Livingston

ALL TOGETHER NOW.....

(Chorus)

There`s a rat in me kitchen what am I gonna do?

There`s a rat in me kitchen what am I gonna go?

I`m gonna fix that rat thats what I`m gonna do,

I`m gonna fix that rat.

When you open your mouth you don`t talk, you shout

And you give every body the blame,

But when they catch you up,

They will shut you up

And you got no one to blame

(Chorus)

There`s a rat in me kitchen ........

When you out on the street,

You practice lies and deceipt

And you scandalize my name

But when I catch you up

I`m gonna pull you up

I`m gonna check-out inside your brain

(Chorus)

There`s a rat in me kitchen .......

when yo deh pon the scene,

You make everyone scream

Because they know your so unjust

But when they catch you up

They will kick you up

Because you someone they just can't trust

(Chorus)

There`s a rat in me kitchen .......

You invade my space

Make me feel disgraced

And you just don`t give a damn

If I had my way

If I had my say

I`d like to see you hang

(Chorus)

There`s a rat in me kitchen .....

(Repeat chorus and fade)

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

If id have seen a rat in my house i would either be dead from shock or left the country. No way on gods earth could i stay in a house with a rat.

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

A rat

Eeewwwwww horrid things!

I found on in the garden once,It must have been half dead as it did'nt move or run away so I asked Rob to finish it off with a shovel,he felt bad as he said it was looking at him......I told him if it made him feel better I would put a little rat blinfold on it and see if it had any last requests

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"A rat

Eeewwwwww horrid things!

That's our next step - send in Siren... aka Bonecrusher ... she has no problem bludgeoning sick little fish to death with a brick so a rat should be child's play for her!

And yes, I do sleep with one eye open!

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By *ollie_JCouple
over a year ago

London

We take it you are not accommodating at the moment then..

Or is it a secret play tool to use in nmmets

Mr Gere? We have something just in for your appearance

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

Ive gone all goosy now thinking there may be a rat outside my house

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By *uton_coupleCouple
over a year ago

luton

best way to get rid of rats is like they did in the french connection film

dowse the house down in petrol and burn the buggers out

youll never have probs again after that

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6RviTt6WR8

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

i can send my cats round if you want - they are expert rat catchers

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By *ollie_JCouple
over a year ago

London

Wearing a rugby shirt please

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"We take it you are not accommodating at the moment then..

Or is it a secret play tool to use in nmmets

Mr Gere? We have something just in for your appearance"

Siren just had to explain that to me. I didn't know old Richy had a penchance for furry little rodents up his chocolate starfish!

How the fook do you shove a hampster up yer back door without breaking the poor little mite's back?

Does it go in tail first so it can crawl out, cos we all know that hampsters are fookin shit at reversing.

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By *ollie_JCouple
over a year ago

London

I think a tube may be involved with a hold on the tail

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By (user no longer on site)
Forum Mod
over a year ago

"We take it you are not accommodating at the moment then..

Or is it a secret play tool to use in nmmets

Mr Gere? We have something just in for your appearance

Siren just had to explain that to me. I didn't know old Richy had a penchance for furry little rodents up his chocolate starfish!

How the fook do you shove a hampster up yer back door without breaking the poor little mite's back?

Does it go in tail first so it can crawl out, cos we all know that hampsters are fookin shit at reversing.

You have to put a tube up there first and then the rat/gerbil/hamster goes up the tube...........so I read

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"i can send my cats round if you want - they are expert rat catchers

Where's Stu and Penny the Psychopathic Pussy when ya really need them eh?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not an issue for me, as my cat is a good mouser!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Not an issue for me, as my cat is a good mouser!

But it's a rat! A fookin huge one!

It took the poison we put out for it and after it had chomped it's way through half a gallon of the stuff it moaned it was the wrong feckin flavour and can it have Essence of Turd next time!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

horrid things ! luckily dont get many around here we get wee mice but the dog deals with them or next doors cant when it can be bothered gettin off its fat arse!!

i always thought u were a bit tight wishy but gettin the kid a rat to play with is shocking!!! x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Not an issue for me, as my cat is a good mouser!

But it's a rat! A fookin huge one!

My dog will take care of it!

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

"Not an issue for me, as my cat is a good mouser!

But it's a rat! A fookin huge one!

My dog will take care of it!

yeah thats what you need - a jack russell, they are awesome ratters

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Apparently what you do is get hold of a 45 gallon drum and put sweetcorn in with a bit of wood towards the top letting rats in but not out stay with me here then once the food has gone the rats turn on themselves eating each other til there is 1 left who now has a bit of taste for rat then you kick the drum over and let him out he goe around killing and eating other rats in the area xxx Lois xxx old farmers tale

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By *ig badMan
over a year ago

Up North :-)

I can't help but think this rat wouldn't have been there if it hadn't been for Tory cuts in pest control.

Wishy....Under labour you would have bee

3n fine

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I can't help but think this rat wouldn't have been there if it hadn't been for Tory cuts in pest control.

Wishy....Under labour you would have bee

3n fine

Funny you should raise that issue Bad. I called out 'Gordy' and the feckin rat actually came out of wherever it's been keeping it's head down.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"i always thought u were a bit tight wishy but gettin the kid a rat to play with is shocking!!! x

He hasn't seen it yet, but when he does I know exactly what he'll say...

..."Ubble, Ubble" .. cos that's the only feckin thing he CAN say.

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By *ig badMan
over a year ago

Up North :-)

"I can't help but think this rat wouldn't have been there if it hadn't been for Tory cuts in pest control.

Wishy....Under labour you would have bee

3n fine

Funny you should raise that issue Bad. I called out 'Gordy' and the feckin rat actually came out of wherever it's been keeping it's head down.

If it gives the rat catcher a good kicking call it Prescott

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My dog will take care of it!

yeah thats what you need - a jack russell, they are awesome ratters"

Mine is a Border Terrier, nearly as good a ratter as JRs!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"i always thought u were a bit tight wishy but gettin the kid a rat to play with is shocking!!! x

He hasn't seen it yet, but when he does I know exactly what he'll say...

..."Ubble, Ubble" .. cos that's the only feckin thing he CAN say.

Do they charge you for comming out now ?

I heard the "antman" charges .

kin cheek when the way they collect rubbish or not as the case may be...is causing the feckin problem in the first place

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Do they charge you for comming out now ?

I heard the "antman" charges .

kin cheek when the way they collect rubbish or not as the case may be...is causing the feckin problem in the first place

Nope, not here they don't. They would have if it had been a mouse but when I said "its not a mouse cos it's nearly 8" long," the smartarse on the other end replied, "I smell a rat then."

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By *ig badMan
over a year ago

Up North :-)

Hey wishy was it one of our super rats you have got? Well in Yorkshire we always go that bit bigger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0mgwBK0cSY

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Hey wishy was it one of our super rats you have got? Well in Yorkshire we always go that bit bigger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0mgwBK0cSY"

Ah, that explains it - our one must their fookin dad!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Say cheese lol xx

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By *ensualfire88Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

"We contacted the Rat Catcher at the council and they agreed to come out today. When he arrived he put down some poison, regaled us with lots of info on rats (wierdo) and said he'd be back next week to see if the poison had worked cos he had another RC (that's Rat Call - they even have a fookin name for it) across the road."

You'd have been well pissed off if head turned up and knew feck all about rats.

Sounds like a pretty efficient service to me.

"I smell a rat" - I'm thinking of applying for the job JUST so i can say that to people!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Update:

======

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up.

My sense were jingling, the hairs on the nape of my neck already alert.

The Walls!! They're in the Walls!!

The little sod was scurrying down the walls on his way to the kitchen. I could hear him, scratching as he went, as the sound moved across the ceiling cavity like fingernails down a blackboard. Away and beyond - the kitchen door. The Dreaded Kitchen Door.

We don't go in there anymore.

The clatter of utensils hitting the floor.

I'd left some strategically placed that would alert me if anything living that wasn't human was in the kitchen, foraging.

The clatter.

I froze. Looked up. The Kitchen Door beckoned.

I had to look.

Nothing.

I need a cigarette to calm my shattered nerves.

~ Funny how they never have this sorta shit on Eastenders.

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By *eordiesCouple
over a year ago

newcastle

Don't wish to be bearer of bad news but if you've seen one rat there are others around, very social creatures rats.

Think rats have been getting bigger the last few years. When I was a lad, they had a body about 3" long and tail to match, but other week at some industrial premises in Gateshead saw one with a body at least 8" long and tail to match.

Hope you get rid of it quick Wishy !!!

John & Shel

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Update:

======

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up.

My sense were jingling, the hairs on the nape of my neck already alert.

The Walls!! They're in the Walls!!

We don't go in there anymore.

The clatter of utensils hitting the floor.

I'd left some strategically placed that would alert me if anything living that wasn't human was in the kitchen, foraging.

The clatter.

I froze. Looked up. The Kitchen Door beckoned.

I had to look.

Nothing.

I need a cigarette to calm my shattered nerves.

~ Funny how they never have this sorta shit on Eastenders.

Is it bigger than mouse shit ?

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By *umpkinMan
over a year ago

near the sounds of the wimborne quarter jack!

I`ve no idea if this works, so don`t give me sh*t if it doesn`t.

Mix a little Plaster Of Paris in with some porrige oats but keep it dry. Leave a dish of water nearby so when the rat drinks after eating the porrige/POP mix, it sets the POP off.

As for the droppings, yes, they are giant versions of mouse droppings!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Update:

======

Peaceful night. No wierd sounds coming from the walls. Maybe he's fucked off, or maybe he's noshed all the poison that was piut down and he's gone to the Big Cheese in the sky.

Regardless, I'm taking no chances so I've bought a trap from B&Q and loaded it with some parmesan. The only sound I wanna hear now is a loud SNAP!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Update:

======

Regardless, I'm taking no chances so I've bought a trap from B&Q and loaded it with some parmesan. The only sound I wanna hear now is a loud SNAP!

NOooooooooooooo

Years ago when living in Edinburgh I was getting ready for work (silly o'clock) I caught a movement out the corner of me eye looked and saw a mouse (wasnt cute like the ones I kept as a teenager nor was it as small) trying to get in me kitchen bin.

I thought I was seeing things because of lack of sleep - but no I came home from work Steven had sealed all the doors with duct tape cos the council guy wasnt going to get to us til the next day.

Same thing as your rat problem Wishy poison put down and small cardboard traps - the fecking thing made a nest in them

Steven went down his mums and got their mousetraps put sugar on them behind the sofa - I heard the SNAP when I was in me bed

Worst sound I have ever heard and it seemed the loudest as well (prob wasnt but sounded like it at the time) I made him get up at stupid o'clock and get rid incase my oldest daughter saw it in the morning

Steven then tore the flat apart to find the tiniest hole that the damn thing was getting in thru and after that no more mice.

The reason the area suddenly got infested with mice?? Edinburgh council was reopening the canal and the mice needed to go somewhere since the habitat was filled with water and tesco trollies!!!! Or so said the mouseman who came to our flat.

Sooooo glad it did the trick and since we now live in a top floor flat the only thing I have to worry about is spiders - which I hate more than mice and rats

Shona

x x x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not sure whether I should tell this story or not

I was told never to use poison in a house because the rats/mice crawl into the walls of the house, die and then decompose and stink to high heaven.

How I know this is true....a few years ago I was renovating a house, it was a bit smelly and after ripping up all the carpets, taking out all the fittings and removing everything looking for what was causing the smell I took up some floorboard and yep you guessed it....decomposing rat corpses!

I definitely recommended traps over poison

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By *uton_coupleCouple
over a year ago

luton

8pm tuesday , channel 5

god help us

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

There must be an increase in rats in the UK as I've never seen a whole stand dedicated to killing them in B&Q before. Just when I needed a rat trap, I turn a corner in the Garden section and there it was, big bloody stand full of rat & mice traps.

Ain't heard no "SNAP! - FUCK! MY FOOT!" from the kitchen yet though.

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UB40 - feckin gits!