FabSwingers.com forum: A man walks into a bar......

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

The classic first line to a well known joke but how many variations are there of this joke ?? Lets see how far we can get .....

I'll start .....

A man walks into a bar and says " ouch "

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By *ipsTeaserCouple
over a year ago

here and there, thereabouts

A dyslexic man walks in to a bra ...

Two men walk in to a bar ... *thud* *thud*

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Woman walks into a bar and asks the waiter for a double entendre. So he gives her one.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A horse walks into a bar , the barman says " why the long face ?"

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By *plankyMan
over a year ago

Beeston

A girl walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.

So the barman gave her one.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Woman walks into a bar and asks the waiter for a double entendre. So he gives her one."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Horse walks into a bar.

Barman Says "why the long face"

War Horse walks into a bar.

Barman says "why the long movie"

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By *plankyMan
over a year ago

Beeston

bah! beaten to it by yellow helmet.

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By *ipsTeaserCouple
over a year ago

here and there, thereabouts

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

Is this open to self created jokes?

A man walks into a bra, curls up and goes to sleep. It was one of mine.

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By *unky monkeyMan
over a year ago

in the night garden

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

Apparently they had a really good night without any stereotyping.

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

A shit and a skull walk into a bar. The bar mans says 'Get out, your off your head and your mates steaming'

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

A white horse walks into a bar.

The barman says "we've got a whisky named after you!"

The horse says "What? Norman?"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Horse walks into a bar.

Barman Says "why the long face"

War Horse walks into a bar.

Barman says "why the long movie""

Lol i like that !

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

A ghost walks into a bar and orders a double double whisky. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve spirits".

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By *ipsTeaserCouple
over a year ago

here and there, thereabouts

A man walks in to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked “What’ll you have?”. The man replied “Surprise me.” He showed him a naked picture of his wife.

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By *ipsTeaserCouple
over a year ago

here and there, thereabouts

A little pig walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks direction to the lavatories. The barman tells him where the gents are and the pig hurries off to relieve himself. A second little pig then comes in, orders a drink and asks for the lavatories. Again the barman tells the pig where to go and the pig hurries away. A third little pig then appears and orders a drink. ‘I suppose you’ll want to know where the toilets are,’ says the barman. ‘No,’ replies the pig. ‘I’m the one that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.’

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I’ll have a whisky and ……… soda.’ The bartender says, ‘Why the big pause?’ ‘Dunno,’ says the bear. ‘I’ve always had them.’

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a man walks into a bar swearing. he stinks of shit.

barman asks him to calm down and tell him what's wrong. he says he slipped on some dog poo near the bar door and has poo all over his shoes and hurt his back. bar lady takes him to clean up and he's calm and orders a drink.

few minutes later another guy walks into the bar, also swearing and a little bit smelly...barman also tells him to calm down and asks him what's wrong. the guy tells him he's just slipped on some shit outside and huirt himself.

"i just did that" said the first guy, the 2nd guy punched him.

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By *o1mrtlcMan
over a year ago

cannock

"A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A man walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The bar man says "single?". The man says "no, i"m happily married, but curious"

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Two blondes walk into a bar...... You would of though one would of noticed

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Two blondes walk into a bar...... You would of though one would of noticed

Thought*

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Two blondes walk into a bar...... You would of though one would of noticed

Thought*"

this made me laugh more than the joke, don't know why lol.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A man walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The bar man says "single?". The man says "no, i"m happily married, but curious""

That won't go down well here.

Fnarr fnarr.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Man walks into a bar the barman says " ere arent you on that website Fab swingers "

"No you must be mistaken says the man i am however on Great roundabouts.com"

Ok ill get my coat lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a frog on his head,"what the frig is that" ,asks the bar man, "dunno ,started as a wart on my arse and just got bigger said the frog"

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By *izzy RascallMan
over a year ago

Cardiff

A midget walked into a bar.

No he didnt

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

The Lone Ranger & Tonto saddle up their horses outside a bar on a freezing cold night. As Tonto doesn't drink he stays outside while his buddy goes in for a drink. As it's cold Tonto starts jogging on the spot to try and keep warm. A bit later the sheriff pops his head in and says to The Lone Ranger, "Do you know you've left your injun running"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"The Lone Ranger & Tonto saddle up their horses outside a bar on a freezing cold night. As Tonto doesn't drink he stays outside while his buddy goes in for a drink. As it's cold Tonto starts jogging on the spot to try and keep warm. A bit later the sheriff pops his head in and says to The Lone Ranger, "Do you know you've left your injun running" "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Woman walks into a bar and asks the waiter for a double entendre. So he gives her one."

One of my faves

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering-wheel attached to the front of his trousers.

The barman says, "You know you got a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of your trousers?"

The pirate says, "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

3 pieces of string walk in to a bar. The first piece of string goes to the bar and says, "3 pints of lager please" The barman replies "sorry we don't serve string in here" The first piece of string goes back to the table empty handed and tells the other two they don't serve string. The second string says "let me try". Second string approaches the barman, "3 pints please mate". "Are you a piece of string?" asks the barman. "Yes" says the second string. He gets the same response as the first string and scuttles back to the table empty handed. The third string says "for fucks sake I'll get them" but the other strings tell him there is no way he will get served. "Watch this" says the third piece of string and he saunters up to the bar. "I'll have 3 pints of lager please" he says. A little frustrated now the barman say's "listen mate, like I told the other two, we don't serve string in here" to which the third string replies "3 pints of lager please sir". "Are you a fucking piece of string ? asks the barman. No I'm a frayed knot" replies the string.

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

A man walks into a bar and orders five shots of whiskey.

The barman pours them, and watches as the man downs each one in quick succession. As soon as the man has finishes the barman jokingly asks "what's the occasion?" To which the man replies "my first blowjob."

The barman immediately offers a congratulatory shot, and the man replies "if five shots didn't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt the sixth will help."

Badum Tisch!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."!

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By *ackspopCouple
over a year ago

Wymondham

Man walks into a bar and orders a beer. Barman serves him, and just as he's about to sit down, barman says "See him over there" (pointing at a massive polo mint sat in the corner with a huge scowl on it's face), "Keep away from him"

"Why?" asks the man.

"He's got a reputation for kicking off for no reason" says the barman. "Personally, we all think he's a bit menthol"

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

A man walks past a bar and sees a sign saying: Pies 50p, Handjobs £1.

So intrigued he walks in to find out more.

He walks up to the bar where a stunning blonde stood and he asks her: "do you give the Handjobs?"

She replies, "Yes, I do"

So the man says "go and wash your hands then because I want a pie."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A woman and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig."

The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."

He says, "I was talking to the duck."

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

"A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

First time I ever heard that one I could not stop laughting

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A horse walks into a bar , the barman says " why the long face ?"

"
A bear walks into a bar and just stands there quietly for a minute before ordering a shandy...barman serves him and asks ...why the big paws (pause)

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," said the bartender.

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By *ackspopCouple
over a year ago

Wymondham

Same man walks into same bar and orders a beer. (You'd have thought he'd have learned by now). Barman serves him, and just as he's about to sit down, barman says "See him over there" (pointing at a section of what looks like a bike lane angrily nursing a pint of Stella).

"Yeah" says the man, expecting another shit punch line..

"Well" says the barman, "I'd advise you to keep well clear of him. Looks like a bit of a cyclepath to me"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a beer, and another, and another, etc., until finally the bartender asked him to leave. He walks out the side door, and a few seconds later, he walks in the front door, sits down, orders a drink, and the bartender asks him to leave. He gets up, walks out the side door, and comes back in the front door and is asked to leave. This happens about eight more times, and on the ninth, the man exclaims," How many bars do you work in, man?!?!?!?!

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Duck walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer.

Barman shocked to see a talking duck but serves him anyway. This happens each day for a week or so.... The barman says "excuse me for appearing rude but I have not seen you around here before"

Duck says "I am working at the building site across the road.......

A week later the circus comes to town and all the barman can think of is a talking duck would be fantastic in the circus. Finally the duck comes in... The barman says, I have just the job for you... Duck asks what?

Barman says the circus is in town, you would easily get a job there.

Duck looks dazed and confused.... and queries the Barman's comments one by one...

Circus?......

Animals?......

Big top tent?.....

Barman says yes that is right....

Duck replies "What the hell would they want with a plasterer".

Sorry for that one.... Stupid I know...

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By *verysmileMan
over a year ago

Canterbury

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy playing the piano. This guy was about 1 foot tall. Never having seen such a small guy, he asks the landlord where the guy had come from.

" Well it's like this", said the barman. " I was clearing out the celaar when I came across a very old bottle. It didn't look too bad so I cleaned it up and then I saw something moving inside, so I took the top off and there was a flash and a puff of smoke."

"Go on" I said.

"Well, a genie appeared and told me that as I has released him, I could have 1 wish, but I think he was a little deaf as I didn't ask for a 12 inch pianist!!!!!"

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By *onnie and JohnCouple
over a year ago

andover

A vampire walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the bartender, "A cup of boiling water, please." The bartender, confused and scared, walks up with the water and says, "I thought vampires drank blood..." The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "Yes, it's tea time."

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Duck walks into a bar and says "Is there a karaoke on tonight".

Barman says "no but check out Xtasia on the 24th".

Ok not a joke I know and in respect to the OP...

Duck walks into a bar and says. "Give me a drink I am Phukt"

Barman says "A week after the karaoke you will be".....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Rabbit walks into a bar orders a pint and a cheese toasty which he eats, he then orders a ham toasty which he eats, he then orders a bacon toasty which he eats but this time he is violently sick over the table and floor.

The barman asks the Rabbit if he is ok? To which the Rabbit replies " yes was just a case of mixin me toasties"

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By *bony in IvoryCouple
over a year ago

Black&White Utopia

A pork chop goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Duck walks into a bar and says "Is there a karaoke on tonight".

Barman says "no but check out Xtasia on the 24th".

Ok not a joke I know and in respect to the OP...

Duck walks into a bar and says. "Give me a drink I am Phukt"

Barman says "A week after the karaoke you will be".....

Lol nice one

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Bloke walks into a bar and orders a pie.

Barman give him a pie and the guy walks out leaving it on the counter.

They found out he was from Nuneaton.

---

Bloke walked into a bar and ordered a beer, and drank it without paying.

They found out he came from Halesowen

---

I'll get my coat... TAXI

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Piece of rope walks into a bar... Pint please.... Barman says, do you have ID, rope says "I'm afraid not"

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Sorry about the last joke... Still waiting for taxi. Never realized I knew so many clean jokes.

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By *onnie and JohnCouple
over a year ago

andover

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer...and a mop.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man walks into a bar and orders 6 double whiskeys.

Bar man pours said drinks, lines them up on the bar and the man necks all of them one after the other.

"That was quick" says the barman.

"You'd drink that fast if you had what I've got" says the man.

Barman says "what have you got then?"

"£1.26" replies the man.

Thanks very much, I'm here all week.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy and his wife are sitting in a bar and the guy points to a smartly dressed fella in the corner and says to his wife " you see that bloke there he"s a bit of a casanova, he was telling me he has fucked every woman in our street apart from one. His wife replied yes i bet its that snobby bitch at number 38"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man walks into a bar with a bit of Tarmac. Barman asks "what can I get you?" man replies "I'll have a pint please, and one for the road"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man walks into the bar and orders 6 double whiskeys. Drinks five of them and gets up to leave. Barman asks "arent you going to habe the sixth one?" The guy replies "no, the doctor told me I should only have the odd drink"

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By *avindaWoman
over a year ago

North Wales

[Removed by poster at 06/01/15 11:13:37]

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By *bi HaiveMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Cheeseville, Somerset

A suited and booted Englishman walks into a pub in deepest, darkest Wales and orders a cocktail. The barman looks at the man and says, "You're not from round here are you?"

"No" replies the man, "I'm from England." The barman looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in England?"

"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The barman looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount and stuff animals."

The barman stands back and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK, lads! He's one of us!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a d*unk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the d*unk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the d*unk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the d*unk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're d*unk!"

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

"Man walks into a bar and orders 6 double whiskeys.

Bar man pours said drinks, lines them up on the bar and the man necks all of them one after the other.

"That was quick" says the barman.

"You'd drink that fast if you had what I've got" says the man.

Barman says "what have you got then?"

"£1.26" replies the man.

Thanks very much, I'm here all week.

Ok now that is funny..... I like that one.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Man walks into a bar with

on his T shirt, barman says what the hell is that ??

Bloke replies oh thats Phukt up

Buh bum tschhh.. lol sorry had to be done

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

[Removed by poster at 06/01/15 11:27:41]

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

[Removed by poster at 06/01/15 11:27:35]

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

[Removed by poster at 06/01/15 11:27:34]

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Last three were not funny LOL

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two pieces of Tarmac having a quiet drink in a bar when a red piece of Tarmac runs in and proceeds to wreck the place and abuse staff and customers. One piece of Tarmac says 'what's wrong with him?' The other replies 'take no notice. He's a cyclepath!'

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By *verysmileMan
over a year ago

Canterbury

[Removed by poster at 06/01/15 11:43:55]

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By *verysmileMan
over a year ago

Canterbury

A man walks into a bar and immediately sees a pig with two front legs, but instead of back legs, there are two casters so that it can wheel itself around. The man asks the landlord about it who says "Well, three weeks ago, there was a major coach accident when the bridge over the river collapsed. That pig dived straight into the water and saved not one, not two but all 40 people on board. It was incredible".

"But that doesn't explain why he only has two legs"

"Well, with such an incredible beast, it would be a shame to eat him all at once".

Boom Boom

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

A man walks into a pub - he's lucky to find one, they're closing at 50 a week.*

*copyright to Bernard Righton

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

An irishman walks into a bar.......It could happen

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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago

hiding from cock pics.

A man walks into a bar, drinks 10 pints and is sick all over a dog.

"I don't remember eating that" he mumbles...

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By *isandreTV/TS
over a year ago

Durham

A jar of hand cream walks into a bar.

'Aloe Vera' says the barman.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 horses walk in a bar. Order a d*unk at the bar and sit down.

One horse says to the other how many grand nationals have you actually won? Other horse says about 4, after a heated discussion and fire fueled argument a dog walks over and says will you 2 just shut the fuck.

First horse looks at the second and says fuck me mate look a talking dog

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By *verysmileMan
over a year ago

Canterbury

Alternatively, a man walks into a bar and asks for something different to drink. The landlord says, "Well we do have 'Rat' which is best d*unk in one hit. I promise you that if you do not like it, you do not have to pay for it"

The man thinks about this for a minute as 'rat' is such a weird name for a drink. Maybe it was one of those real beers.

"OK, I'll have a pint of Rat then".

At this point, the landlord brings a live rat from behind the beer pumps, smashes it's head on the bar, stuffs it into a beer mug and gives it to the astonished man.

"Go on, drink it in one".

After a second, the man realises that he should accept the challenge and gulps the furry, blood soaked mess down in one.

"Blimey," he said "that's the best pint that I have ever tasted. I would like another but I am driving so how about a half for the road"

At this point, the landlord picks up a rat from behind the bar, holding it by the tail in his left hand, he picks up a meat cleaver with his right and brings the blade down expertly across the middle of the unfortunate rodent, ending with a flourish by dropping the tail end into a small glass.

The man was horrified.

"What's the matter?" said the landlord.

""You can's expect me to drink that" said the man "It's got no head!!!!!!"

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By *o1mrtlcMan
over a year ago

cannock

A man walks into a bar and sees a crowd of people around a table so he goes over to have a look and sees a chicken tap dancing on top of a biscuit tin wow thinks the man that's amazing if I had that chicken I could make a lot of money so he goes over to the owner and asks him if he can buy him and the guy says no then he says I'll give you 50 pounds the owner still says no the man said I'll give you 100 pounds but the owner still says no ok said the man this is my last offer I'll give you 500 pounds the owner then says ok you have got a deal so the man takes his tap dancing chicken home on the way home the chicken is still tap dancing and he doesn't stop all night he is still tap dancing the man cannot get to sleep because of the chicken dancing so the next day he goes to the pub where he brought the chicken and sees the man he brought it from and asks him how do you stop the chicken from tap dancing the man started to laugh and said thats easy just take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow out the candles

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Oh dear - I am back...

A man goes into a pub with a giraffe.

The giraffe gets d*unk and falls over on the floor.

The man starts to walk out.

The barman says, you are not leaving that lying on the floor are you.

Man said it is not a lion it is a giraffe....

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By *isandreTV/TS
over a year ago

Durham

A busker walks into a bar full of cows and asks the barman if he can play a few songs and pass his hat around the audience for a collection.

'Sure,' says the barman, 'as long as you don't start milking them'.

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By *isandreTV/TS
over a year ago

Durham

A scatophile walks into a bar.

'Is that stool taken?' he asks.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A d*unk walks into a pub and points in the vault and says"you lot in there are a load of w.....rs,"then he points in the snug and says"and you lot in there are a load of c...s".This big Irishman stood up and said"im no c...",and the d*unk said"well get in there with the w.....rs" Thats all folks.

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By *isandreTV/TS
over a year ago

Durham

A Climate Change denier walks into a bar and then walks out again when the barman tells him there's no ice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A white horse walks into a bar.

The barman says "we've got a whisky named after you!"

The horse says "What? Norman?"

Aw beat me to it, lol

Cowboy walks into a bar. Orders a shot of Whiskey and downs it. Then he gets up, walks outside to his horse, lifts its tail and kisses it right on the arse.

When he walks back in, the bartender can't help but ask 'Why did you just go outside and kiss your horses backside'

The cowboy replies 'I have chapped lips'

The bartender, now more than a little curious asks 'Really, and does that help?'

to which the cowboy replies, 'Nope, but it stops me licking them'

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By *oldenknobMan
over a year ago

glasgow

5 things not to say when u enter a gay bar .toss u for the next one . Can I bum a fag . Can u push my stool in .u up for another round . Is it urs or mines

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two men walk into a bar.... You would have thought one of them would have seen it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

There is a video on YouTube called the duck song. It's basically this but grapes and not bread. My nephew used to love it and make me listen to it over and over

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man shimmy's into a bar,,,,, its called the pink flamingo...

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

They say a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. Tina says on fab most people are happy with two in the bush. 69

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By *onyneMan
over a year ago

Newcastle

A man walks into a bar in Rome and asks to have 'what the Pope drinks'...The barman says he like Creme De Menthe...

'Okay then, I'll have a pint of that'...

He drinks the pint of Creme de menthe and orders another...

After drinking the second pint he tries to get up, but falls face first to the floor totally pissed...

As he gets up he says - 'No wonder you carry the fucker around on a chair!'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

Haha will be using this one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"They say a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. Tina says on fab most people are happy with two in the bush. 69

Or they say abird in the hand shits on your sleeve!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Awesome this is still going lo and some great jokes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man walks into a bar.....

Should have had hi-viz tape and a risk assessment done!

Man calls claims r scum n gets three grand

Probably very close to reality

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

"They say a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. Tina says on fab most people are happy with two in the bush. 69

Or they say abird in the hand shits on your sleeve!!!"

There are specialist sites for that sort of shit

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By *ce WingerMan
over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of bitter and a packet of plain crisps. "We don't have any plain crisps" replies the barman. So the man says "That's ok, I'll have helicopter flavour then"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Excuse me, this coffee tastes like mud.”

Waiter- “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

"Awesome this is still going lo and some great jokes

Yeah I just popped back to look. I risk getting barred from the thread if I give any more jokes....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Denzyl says "Barman a pint of beer please"

Barman says "You're d*unk and throws him out.

2 minutes later Denzyl walks in back door and says "Barman a pint of beer please"

Barman says "You're d*unk and throws him out.

2 minutes later Denzyl walks in side door and says "Barman a pint of beer please"

Barman says "You're d*unk and throws him out.

2 minutes later Denzyl walks in the other side door and says "Barman a pint of beer please"

Barman says "I told you you're d*unk now get out!"

Denzyl says "Hey barman! How many f**king pubs do you work in?"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

An englishman, irshman and scottish man walk into a bar the barman says 2 Is this some sort of joke ? "

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

A risk I take getting barred.

I appear to be doing a lot of duck jokes so the one that everyone probably knows.

Duck goes into a bar and says a pint of beer please.

Barman says do you want me to put it on your bill.

Ducks says no a glass will be fine.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Duck goes into pharmacy, says to person behind counter:

Can I have a condom please

Person says is that cash or card

Duck says neither put it on my bill

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a hotdog walks into a bar and asks for a pint of lager and the barman says sorry we don't serve food in here

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Do women not walk into bars...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Same man walks into same bar and orders a beer. (You'd have thought he'd have learned by now). Barman serves him, and just as he's about to sit down, barman says "See him over there" (pointing at a section of what looks like a bike lane angrily nursing a pint of Stella).

"Yeah" says the man, expecting another shit punch line..

"Well" says the barman, "I'd advise you to keep well clear of him. Looks like a bit of a cyclepath to me""

2 pieces of Tarmac walk into a bar and order drinks. They start discussing who the hardest of them is. The first piece says" I'm the hardest! Everyday I have hundreds of cars bikes and vans drive over me and I don't complain!" The second piece says " nah I'm harder! Everyday I have thousands of cars bikes vans and lorries drive over me!" Just at this point a red piece of Tarmac walks into the bar. The other two dive under the table and emerge only when the red Tarmac has left. The batman says " what's the matter with you two? I thought you were hard?!" They reply " are you fucking mad? That guys a cycle path!!!!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Guy walks into a bar and orders a pint....when he's finished he takes out a piece of paper from his wallet, looks at it, puts it back and orders another pint, again, once finished he takes out the paper, looks at it and puts it back before ordering a third pint whereupon the barman asks 'excuse me....I can't help but notice you looking at that piece of paper after each drink, do you mind if i ask why?'

To which the guy replies 'no problem, it's actually a photo of my my wife, and once it starts looking good, I know it's time to go home'

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, a woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No … not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.

Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

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By *olly RogererMan
over a year ago

Braintree

I went to a bar today. It said "food and drink at popular prices" so i ordered a pint and a cheese sarny..

£9.80 please said the barman

£9.80!!!! I shouted...the sign outside says food at popular prices???

"I fucking like them" he said

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By *olly RogererMan
over a year ago

Braintree

So i went to the next bard and ordered a pint and a cheese sarny.

50p please said the barman

50p?? Wow i said. Couldnt do us a nice juicey T bone steak with chips, beans and an egg sunnyside up could you?

Of course he said...but that comes to money!

How much i said

£1.49

puzzled i asked him who the owner was

"Oh its a guy called willright"

And wheres willright i asked

"Upstairs with my missus"

And whats he doing upstairs with your missus i asked

"Same as im doing down here with his business"

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By *afadaoMan
over a year ago

Staines

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, we have a drink named after you!"

The Screwdriver says, "You have a drink named Brian?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man's car breaks down on his way into town so he gets out, opens the bonnet and starts poking around. A woman leans out of a window opposite and shouts "Do you want a screwdriver?"

And the man replies "No thanks love my car broke down and I need to fix it ..."

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By *asmanian TigerMan
over a year ago

lala land

A man walks in to a bank and shouts!!

Air in the hands mother stickers!! This is a fuck up!!

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Polar bear driving through the desert has car problems. Pulls in at a garage, guy says give me half hour and I should know what's wrong. There is a bar you can pop into while you wait (original joke had no bar but I will comply to the thread even though it is a polar bear and not a man - not completely a non conformist)... Any hoo. The polar bear walks into the bar but just that point the polar bear hears the sound of an ice cream van pull up outside (the ice cream van in the original joke was actually the bar be we added the bar in). Anyway being a polar bar hot in the desert (obviously lost) an ice cream appears a great idea. Eats a few ice creams and makes quite a mess. Ice cream everywhere all over his face. He pops back to the mechanic and says, "any idea what the problem is" .... Mechanic says " looks like you've blown a seal". Polar bear says "naaaaa it's just ice cream"

....

Ok I will get my coat again. Taxi...

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By *itSamCouple
over a year ago

Birmingham

Mans car breaks down out outside a pub with a bang. He gets out and looks under the bonnet to see engine damaged. An old tramp with a whiskey bottle wrapped in brown paper walk by. He says. Scuzzsh me. Wot sheems to be the problem.

Man says "piston broke"

The tramp says "shame here mate... Shame here"

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