FabSwingers.com forum: Terrible loss

By *hattyman80 OP Man
over a year ago

stockport

I lost my friend 3 days ago. He died in his sleep aged 32. We were friends 29 years. He was a brother more than a friend.

I've been trying to wrap my head around it. We don't know what caused it as yet but it wouldn't matter anyway. I'm trying tone strong for our group of friends and his wife and kids but it's difficult.

If anyone can give me advice on just how to keep going and be strong for people please feel free to leave it here.

I am not suicidal by any means but I have a massive grief which I'm struggling with. I know this isn't the place really to air this but this site has helped me in the past deal with issues so once again my faith goes back to you.

And if you have loved ones please tell them everyday you love them and never take them for granted.

Hope everyone has a good NYE.

Xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm so very sorry for your loss, rest in peace xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *odareyouMan
over a year ago

not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds)

Sorry to hear about your friend...

There's various emotional stages you'll go through, anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance

different people cope in different ways. When I lost my father I became very insular and I immersed myself in work. It takes time

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ambslass48Woman
over a year ago

Peterborough

"I'm so very sorry for your loss, rest in peace xxx"

So sorry for your loss I lost my hubby suddenly 2 years ago. Pm me if you want a chat

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman
over a year ago

evesham

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Losing anyone at anytime is sad but someone so young at a time when we are supposed to be happy and celebrating is hard.

It's good that you are reaching out for support and I know that people on here can be great buy if there is ever a time when you need someone to just listen there are organisations out there like the samaritans that can provide that in a safe, non judgeméntal, confidential environment either on the phone, by email or face to face.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you dont have to be strong, its perfectly normal and essential to grieve , bottling it up and being strong for others is what most of us do but those emotions will out at some point, this must be a terrible shock to all of you - just stay close together and hold each other physically and mentally and remember others grieve in different ways so forgive anybody any odd behaviour xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *issHottieBottieWoman
over a year ago

Kent

Similar happened to me in march last year my friend who was 35 died suddenly in his sleep. I've known him since I was 11. It's hard to lose anyone but especially those so young.

Just don't bottle your grief up and feel like you have to be strong for everyone else, obviously help his wife etc if you can but you need to grieve too and holding it in won't help.

Sorry for your loss xx hugs xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hattyman80 OP Man
over a year ago

stockport

"I'm so very sorry for your loss, rest in peace xxx

So sorry for your loss I lost my hubby suddenly 2 years ago. Pm me if you want a chat"

Thank you

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One hour at a time, one day at a time x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can't be strong for everyone bud without making time to grieve yourself, I tried that once and nearly cracked with the strain and it was a massive relief to unburden that grief, maybe a work friend of yours that didn't know the boy who died ,or someone not as close to him as you obviously were would be a good person to talk to, so sorry for your loss but hopes this helps, often not easy trying to put down what you want to say on paper

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *adyGardenWoman
over a year ago

LONDON (se)

[Removed by poster at 31/12/14 07:04:16]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *adyGardenWoman
over a year ago

LONDON (se)

I lost my best friend when I was 17. I still think of her often and wonder how she would be as an adult. I will never let go of the memory of her and I still feel sad about her early and sudden departure. Focus on the good, forget the bad and remember the love. That way he will forever live in your heart

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *mallteaserWoman
over a year ago

Central

I lost a sister only 18 months ago in a car accident, so kinda understand, if you with too chat feel free too pm me xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

plus dont try and make sense of it - some things will never seem right x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *mallteaserWoman
over a year ago

Central

"plus dont try and make sense of it - some things will never seem right x"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *aughty PedroMan
over a year ago

London

All the above is very good advise

There will be hard days ahead

talking about it helps

if you want to cry cry

there is no shame in it

talking about it helps

It will get better in time

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ike4362ukMan
over a year ago

Cheshunt

While it's good that you've raised the issue, are there people around you, that are outside the immediate families, that you can open up to? It's clear that you are having to be supportive to your friends family, but you need to able to just talk and describe your feelings.

The Samaritans have an excellent phone service and they are skilled at dealing with these issues. Your GP would be able to refer you to counselling services. MIND is also another very useful service, one of their support groups in Oxford helped me deal with the depression following my marriage break-up.

Take care, look after yourself first so that you can then support others.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *empting Devil.Woman
over a year ago

Sheffield

You don't need to be strong. Share your feelings with those who loved him and gradually you will all learn how to live with it.

I'm so sorry, death is hard to deal with especially when it's someone who you feel has gone before they have had a chance to live.

Don't be afraid or embarrassed of how you are feeling, don't try to hide it or to squash it. Most people will understand and anyone who doesn't hasn't had a loss so doesn't get it.

The only things that you need to do is to make sure that the basics are happening, make sure you and the people around you are eating and drinking, make sure no-one is drinking too much alcohol, make sure any children are fed and clean and warm and know they can talk or ask anything. Check to see if any shopping needs doing, don't let them run out of food because they are so caught up and stunned by what's happened. Don't let anyone try to be strong and bottle it up, keep talking even if it's just to express confusion and anger.

There are certain things that will have to be dealt with. I imagine the coroner will be involved, the death will have to be registered and funeral directors dealt with. Offer to help with these things, don't let his wife do it alone. Because it was so unexpected it could take longer than usual before the funeral can be held, this will make things harder. But you will encounter some people who deal with this kind of thing in their work all the time don't be shy about asking for help and consider their suggestions and recommendations.

It's a horrible time, even more so at this time of year when so many people are blithely partying around you. Don't be embarrassed to vent/rant/offload on here the forums are surprisingly supportive and caring and are filled with a wide variety of people with a huge variety of life experiences.

Big hugs.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *onbons_xxMan
over a year ago

Bolton

Really sorry to read about your loss. I think you will be on an emotional roller coaster and trying to make sense of it all, or being strong for others may not help. Be there for others, absolutely, whether that's just being in the same room, chatting, distracting or whatever but don't try and bottle it up.

You may find talking about it difficult. Maybe writing about it could be an outlet.

Best wishes.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 31/12/14 07:31:26]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hortieWoman
over a year ago

Northampton

"One hour at a time, one day at a time x "

Its a slow process.. not something you will 'ever get over', but it is something you learn to cope with.

My hubby died of a heart attack on top of me when he was 40 years old.

The first few weeks and months are the hardest. Just keep doing what you're doing... you're still alive.

Be there for his friends and family when the funeral comes. Enjoy the good times in your life, for your friend as well as yourself.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's hard to lose anyone, especially when it's sudden and unexpected. There are definite stages you go through. Let yourself go with each stage. I understand you wanting to be strong for others, but sometimes a damn good cry really helps. I think the worst time is now, when you are waiting for the funeral to say your goodbyes. He was lucky to have such a good friend, as you were too. My thoughts are with you all at this sad time. He will always be with you, in your memories. Xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm sorry for your loss. Lots of good advice on this thread so I wont add to it. Be strong and take care x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So sorry to hear of your loss,My husband died nearly 7 years ago, my youngest was 5 and my eldest 15,I went through so much and kept trying to hold it together for them but you really need to let it out you cant stay strong all the time that wont do you any good ,go have a good cry you need it. It will take time but you will get there .big hugs xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Chattyman, I'm so so sorry to hear about your loss!, I'm not going to say that I understand because we all feel differently when we loose a loved one, I mean I coped well when I lost my beloved grandparents but sobbed uncontrollably when the family dog of 14 years passed away.

My advice is to take it one day at a time, you have a massive hill to climb, and you can't do it at once, so a little at a time,first you need to start coming to terms with what's happened. Then you need to concentrate yourself on the arrangements. When the funeral comes you will find that is the top of the mountain, it gets easier after the funeral, and the funeral will be the hardest couple of hours of all.

Surround yourself with things that remind you of him, remember your allowed to grieve.

Anything I can do just pm me, even if it's just someone to talk to, good luck, stay strong and lots of love!!

Aiden

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry to hear of your loss. You need to grieve, you don't need to be strong for other people. You had a nasty car crash before Christmas followed by this and the 2 together will give you a massive awareness of your own mortality - it will take time to accept and deal with that.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Death is just part of life. It's incredibly difficult to deal with. Your 2015 will improve.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ourbonKissMan
over a year ago

a land up north..... of leicester

I feel for you pal, the only advice I can offer is that you were friends for so long that You must have many good memories of him. So try and keep these at the forefront of your and your friends minds

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iewMan
Forum Mod
over a year ago

Angus & Findhorn

How sad... Look after yourself

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Really, really sorry to hear about this mate - I hope you pull through OK

I've never experienced this precise situation so can't speak from personal experience but I've been through other very difficult situations...take time to grieve - don't feel you have to bottle it up. Take yourself off and have a damn good cry if you need to.

When something bad happens, it can be a natural reaction to keep looking back...to keep thinking about what's happened, trying to figure out the whys and wherefores. But there comes a point when you have to try and let it go and look forward if you can - think how you can help his family in the future. It's difficult to plan a future that doesn't involve someone you've been so close to, but trying to help other people can sometimes be a very good way of coping with things yourself.

All the best mate...you take care

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is a strange emotion. Everyone deals with it in different ways. Don't shut yourself off from those who care. Talk about him and your feelings. Don't be scared to cry. Time will ease your Grief. I'm so sorry for all those above, who have lost someone close. Kind off puts moaning about the inlaws, and "state of this house" into perspective. Doesn't it!!! Xxx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sometimes it helps to talk to someone who is not connected to you ~ if you google Cruse, they are a bereavement organisation that can offer support via the phone or one to one.

and here is as good as place as any to get advice, a variety of people some of which will have experienced the same as you.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Further to my last post,

I've just realised your in Halesowen if you want a beer and someone to talk to, drop me a.message

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Grieve in a way you want to - follow your instincts when you need / want to cry.

But never forget the pleasure you have had together, and be grateful you had somebody so close to you in your life for 29 years. When I've lost good people, when it gets hard, I've thought about the things that used to make me laugh, smile, even daft arguments that later on became funny. It's important to keep the good stuff close, when you can.

And talk about it, time is a great healer too. All the best and I hope you are supported by those close to you as well.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *penminded732Man
over a year ago

inverness

"I lost my friend 3 days ago. He died in his sleep aged 32. We were friends 29 years. He was a brother more than a friend.

If anyone can give me advice on just how to keep going and be strong for people please feel free to leave it here.

And if you have loved ones please tell them everyday you love them and never take them for granted.

Hope everyone has a good NYE.

Xxx

Sorry to hear about your loss. Hope you can find some support from the genuine and kind users on this site. Your post is very poignant by identifying the fact that we often take our loved ones for granted.

All the best in the future. Take care mate.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hattyman80 OP Man
over a year ago

stockport

[Removed by poster at 31/12/14 10:44:12]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hattyman80 OP Man
over a year ago

stockport

"Further to my last post,

I've just realised your in Halesowen if you want a beer and someone to talk to, drop me a.message "

Thanks buddy it's appreciated

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe adult cot Death .... You will not know why until they do a p/m at hospital and with them all on holiday will be a backlog of things so could take time .. If you find your not coping and in need of help you call Samaritans as there 24/7 and there for all things .. will really help as you can off load and chat to them about how you feel. ((((BIG HUGS )))))

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *otsoSnowWhiteWoman
over a year ago

My Ice Castle! South Wales

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my best friend when I was 17 at this time of year,unfortunately she was murdered. The pain was so immense I still struggle with it today 18 yrs on but it lessens and each day gets easier. My heart goes out to you and his family. Xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

I'm sorry to hear of this. The only thing to do is to keep on plugging away at life.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *annGentMan
over a year ago

With a cracking _iew

So sorry to hear what has happened.

There's a lot of positive advice been said already.

The Funeral Directors will help with all of the immediate practicalities that have to be sorted.

I see funerals as a time to celebrate that persons life ...

Life will seem very difficult, but keep putting one foot in front of the other, and in time you will come to handle your feelings and emotions a little better, but you will never forget him ...

In my eyes, you've taking a massive step by telling your friends here.

Keep talking, those who understand will chat back ...

Man hug !

Been in not a dissimilar place ...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thinking of you.

It takes a long time to get your head around a loss so take it slowly. I lost my ex mother in law 2 years ago on dec 29th and it's always hard at this time of year xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uke olovingmanMan
over a year ago

Gravesend

Really sorry to hear about your friend ... Big man hugs from me

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iuliettaWoman
over a year ago

DEVIZES

Sorry to hear about your friend, everyone feels differently after a bereavement, when my husband died 8 months ago, I was stunned at who stepped up and who just ignored me for months afterwards

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread

Terrible loss - Struggling to cope