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Here's a joke for you all

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My party trick is to whip a tablecloth off a table full of expensive stuff.Although i didn't go down too well in the operating theatre.

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By *b430Man
over a year ago

Tayside

Do you happen to have another one?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't encourage .....

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By *b430Man
over a year ago

Tayside


"Don't encourage ..... "

Am sorry! I was just disapointed after reading the title, opening up the thread and well you know!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ok I will get the ball rolling......

A man on the beach was tanned all over except his penis, so he buried himself in the sand with just his willy sticking out to catch the sun.

Two old ladies walked past. One said, 'there's no justice in this world. When I was 16 I was scared of em. When I was 18, I was curious about them. At 20 I enjoyed them. At 30 I asked for them. 40 I paid for them. 50 I prayed for them. At 60 I forgot about em. Now I am 70, the fookin dam things are growing wild!'

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By *iggles and BeardyCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

Q: What goes, blond, brunet, blond, brunet, blond.

A: A blond doing a cartwheal...

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By *ixson-BallsMan
over a year ago

Blackpool

cue tumble rolling past

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"cue tumble rolling past "

that's made a late appearance!

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By *ixson-BallsMan
over a year ago

Blackpool


"cue tumble rolling past

that's made a late appearance!"

surprised it wasn't on earlier...must have only been a zephyr blowing!

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By *imnher2Woman
over a year ago

watford

Q.. what do u call a chinese woman who can lick her own fanny ???

A.. wonlong tong!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"cue tumble rolling past

that's made a late appearance!

surprised it wasn't on earlier...must have only been a zephyr blowing!"

looks like it may require an encore

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"cue tumble rolling past

that's made a late appearance!

surprised it wasn't on earlier...must have only been a zephyr blowing!"

looks like it may require an encore

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"cue tumble rolling past

that's made a late appearance!

surprised it wasn't on earlier...must have only been a zephyr blowing!"

looks like it may require an encore

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By *ertngladCouple
over a year ago

thornton -cleveleys

On holiday in Spain recently I saw a sign that said "English speaking doctor". I thought what a good idea, why don't we have them in this country?

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By *ertcamembertMan
over a year ago

Reading area


"Ok I will get the ball rolling......

A man on the beach was tanned all over except his penis, so he buried himself in the sand with just his willy sticking out to catch the sun.

Two old ladies walked past. One said, 'there's no justice in this world. When I was 16 I was scared of em. When I was 18, I was curious about them. At 20 I enjoyed them. At 30 I asked for them. 40 I paid for them. 50 I prayed for them. At 60 I forgot about em. Now I am 70, the fookin dam things are growing wild!' "
Not bad Jerri

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By *ertngladCouple
over a year ago

thornton -cleveleys

I paid three grand for my wife to have a boob job, she was happy. I paid four grand for her to have a nose job, she was delighted. I treated myself to a £30 hand job, and she goes frigging apeshit!!!

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By *ertngladCouple
over a year ago

thornton -cleveleys

Engineers in Japan have made a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can capture the image of a woman with her mouth shut. Sorry ladies.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ok I will get the ball rolling......

A man on the beach was tanned all over except his penis, so he buried himself in the sand with just his willy sticking out to catch the sun.

Two old ladies walked past. One said, 'there's no justice in this world. When I was 16 I was scared of em. When I was 18, I was curious about them. At 20 I enjoyed them. At 30 I asked for them. 40 I paid for them. 50 I prayed for them. At 60 I forgot about em. Now I am 70, the fookin dam things are growing wild!' Not bad Jerri "

Well, I thank you sir, lol. It did wake the thread up again anyway

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Not bad everyone here's another for you all

who would be the most annoying passenger to have in your car?Stephen hawking, because you wouldn't know if it was him talking or the sat nav.

I do appologise for the bad jokes just trying to break the ice

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mary is a school teacher and every week teaches her young students a new word, on Friday she tests them on it

Friday comes around so she asks “Our word of the week is “Fascinate- hands up who can use that word in a sentence”

Molly’s hand immediately goes up “Miss Miss”

“Me ma took me to da Zoo and I saw all the animals it was fasinatin” – very good Molly,Mary replied but the word is fascinate.

Kate put her hand up “Miss Miss”

“Me da took me shopping, I saw lovely frocks and all it was fasinatin” – very good Kate, Mary replied but the word is fascinate.

Mary then spies Johnny’s hand and ponders oh no!

“Miss Miss” my Aunty has a cardigan that has 10 buttons holes in it but her tits are that big she can only fasten eight”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to visit the set of Dragon's Den but got asked to leave....

Apparently, asking Deborah Meaden to "fuck off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My Mrs really doesn't have much of a sense of humour

She didn't find it anywhere near as funny as I did when I swapped one of her tampons for a party popper

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By *razydriver8Couple
over a year ago

plymouth

[Removed by poster at 17/08/10 14:55:38]

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By *razydriver8Couple
over a year ago

plymouth

The Italian Job

In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.

Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.

When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.

At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts ..

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"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!""

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By *yuiop08Man
over a year ago

Salford

How many Man United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three, one to change the bulb, one to hold the ladder and one to drive them all back to Surrey

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I paid three grand for my wife to have a boob job, she was happy. I paid four grand for her to have a nose job, she was delighted. I treated myself to a £30 hand job, and she goes frigging apeshit!!! "

nice 1 lol

me & the wife argued all the time about our holidays.

I wanted to go to Ibiza & she wanted to come too!!!

Divorce sorted that one out too!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

BBC News: 'Drink-driving' Swann blames cat.'

They're just making these up now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My party trick is to whip a tablecloth off a table full of expensive stuff.Although i didn't go down too well in the operating theatre. "

sikipedia is great for sick jokes i love it!! x

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By *averiMan
over a year ago

Swindon to bristol


"The Italian Job

In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.

Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.

When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.

At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts ..

.

.

.

.

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"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!""

"

Excellant!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

at least it would be if Mr Mojo Risin' hadn't died two years before Lewinsky was born

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"My party trick is to whip a tablecloth off a table full of expensive stuff.Although i didn't go down too well in the operating theatre.

sikipedia is great for sick jokes i love it!! x"

Haha me too keeps me amused anyway

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My party trick is to whip a tablecloth off a table full of expensive stuff.Although i didn't go down too well in the operating theatre.

sikipedia is great for sick jokes i love it!! x

Haha me too keeps me amused anyway "

i spend waay too much time on it lol!! some of them are just downright sick but funny! x

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By *uss PussWoman
over a year ago

east cheshire

ok....my contribution....

A woman who was pregnant with triplets was shot three times in a bank robbery.

They rushed her to hospital and the triplets were fine except they were unable to remove the bullets...one lodged in each child. The doctors said they were in no harm and the bullets would come out in time.

She went on to have three healthy happy boys.

About 16 years later No.1 son walked into the sitting room white as a sheet. His mother said "Son what is wrong you look like you have had a terrible fright" The son replied "Mum I just had a wee and passed a bullet!!" The Mum said "Dont worry son I have been expecting this, all is well"

A few days later No.2 son walked into the sitting room white as a sheet. His mother said "Son what is wrong you look like you have had a terrible fright" The son replied "Mum I just had a wee and passed a bullet!!" The Mum said "Dont worry son I have been expecting this, all is well"

A few days later No.3 son walked into the sitting room white as a sheet. His mother said "Son what is wrong you look like you have had a terrible fright" The son replied........

"Mum I just had a wank and shot the cat!!!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"My party trick is to whip a tablecloth off a table full of expensive stuff.Although i didn't go down too well in the operating theatre.

sikipedia is great for sick jokes i love it!! x

Haha me too keeps me amused anyway

i spend waay too much time on it lol!! some of them are just downright sick but funny! x"

Yea some are very disturbing but every now and again there is a gem

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By *razydriver8Couple
over a year ago

plymouth


"at least it would be if Mr Mojo Risin' hadn't died two years before Lewinsky was born "

poetic licence .

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By *razydriver8Couple
over a year ago

plymouth

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.

"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it's startin' to twitch."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A farmer in devon has successfully grown a field of vibrators, unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Some good ones but some old ones as well not a bad try though dirtygirl hsha

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By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

Two fish in a tank, and one turns to the other and says.....

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. you drive it and I'll fire the gun!!

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By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

I'm just back from the hospital, and my wife is still taking the piss out of my stupidity!!

I bought one of those new "stick" type deoderants, and cos I hadnt used one before I read the instructions, which said "take off top and push up bottom".

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... took them two hours to pry it out of my arse, but my farts smell lovely!!!

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By *thwalescplCouple
over a year ago

brecon

My wife is regreting buying me Viagra, although it all started so well.

I read the instructions, and it said "take before food", which I did.

We were eating, and I started to notice the effects.

My cock started to harden, and I started to feel really horny.

In the end I could hold back no longer, and grabbed my wife, swept the table clear of crockery, food and cutlery, before throwing the wife on top of it and making wild passionate love to her right there.

We got a lifetime ban from that particualr restuarant chain!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just got a brilliant joke - for all those in marketing..........

Imagine if all retailers started making their own condoms & kept their own name.

Tesco Condoms, Every Little helps.

Nike Condoms, Just Do It.

Peugeot Condoms, The Ride Of Your Life.

KFC Condoms, Finger Licking Good.

Duracell Condoms, Just Keep Going & Going & Going.

Pringles Condoms, Once You Pop You Can't Stop.

Burger King Condoms, Home Of The Whopper.

Andrex Condoms, Soft Strong & Very Long.

Mcdonald's Condoms, I'm Loving it.

Polo Condoms, The One With The Hole.. OH FUCK!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

American express condom........Don't leave home without it

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

IIRC Durex got into sports sponsorship, F1, with the slogan "Crowd stopper"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

IIRC Durex got into sports sponsorship, F1, with the slogan "Crowd stopper""

I think the Pringles 'sour cream & onion' would stop anytrhing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There was a pickle, a penis and cucumber discussing how badly they get treated. The pickle said "i get drowned in acid and then sliced" The cucumber replied " I get cut up too and then dipped in all kind's of stuff" The penis then replies, "i get suffocated in a bag and knocked around until i throw up over myself"

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

Three babies in buggies parked outside Boots, get talking as you do.

1st Baby : "I hate Cow & Gate baby food, makes me fart all day"

2nd Baby : "I hate Gerber baby food, it makes me puke"

3rd Baby : "Hear you two, i have to share a tit with a guy who smokes Marlboro's"

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By *ushroom7Man
over a year ago

Bradford

As a male, i'm embarrassed to say that the only time i can multi-task is when i have wet dreams.

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By *lassic1Man
over a year ago

bellshill

All time classic must be Johnny !!

He sits above the village and looks down on all the houses,,,,he says I built them all .....but they dont call me me johnny the house builder.!!

He looks at all the boats in the harbour...he says I built them all but they dont call me Johnny the boat builder !!

You shag one sheep !!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Dumb Exam AnswersQ - use the word information in a sentenceA - Geese sometimes fly information Q- What is a turbine ?A - Something an Arab wears on his head Q- Who invented the round table ?A - Sir CumferenceQ - Who was the Black Prince ?A- Will Smith Q- When Did Julius Caeser Die ?A- A few days before his funeral

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

bingo i agree with you xx

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