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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Anyone heard any good ones lately?

I'll go first to get the ball rolling.....

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My Girl Friend thinks I'm a Stalker!

well.......

She's not My Girl Friend yet

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

That could be improved.

My future girl friend thinks I'm a stalker. I know, because I could clearly hear her telling her mum from my hiding place under her bed.

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

Or alternatively, the only reason I know my other half thinks I'm a control freak is because I've tapped her phone....

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

Or maybe, I can't say my other half is a control freak; seriously I can't, they've told me not tell anyone.

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

Or perhaps, I followed someone for 3 miles with a bunch of flowers. The last time I get an impulse moment over a jogger.

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

My other half says I'm a stalker, but she is a deer

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts

Dracula wasn't worried about stalkers, but he did have a thing against stakers.

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By *horshiperMan
over a year ago

London


"My other half says I'm a stalker, but she is a deer "

You seem to have some experience in this area PSML

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By *inaTitzTV/TS
over a year ago

Titz Towers, North Notts


"My other half says I'm a stalker, but she is a deer

You seem to have some experience in this area PSML "

Yes, I once got ripped off buying 8 legs of Venison for £500. My old man said it was too deer.*

*I can't claim any credit for that joke, that is one I've heard before.

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By *he Master JMan
over a year ago

Southall


"That could be improved.

My future girl friend thinks I'm a stalker. I know, because I could clearly hear her telling her mum from my hiding place under her bed. "

Brilliant

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I played hard to get Yesterday......

I sat up and watched Babstation all Night and never rang up once

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By *ancscpl4funCouple
over a year ago

East Lancs

Decorator at the church got caught by the priest putting water in the emulsion he was using.

Was told to repaint and thin no more

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist." The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you? " She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash Iron, Fuck, Etc."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist." The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you? " She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash Iron, Fuck, Etc.""

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

Two fleas are talking about winter migration and

one's freezing its ass of.

FLEA1: "I spent the whole trip in a biker's

beard."

FLEA2: "That's not the way you do it, what you

do is get on a plane and climb up a stewardess's

skirt and sleep in her pussy, that's what I always

do."

The next year the fleas talk again. The first flea

is still freezing his ass off.

FLEA2: "What the fuck is wrong with you, didn't

you do what I told you?"

FLEA1: "Oh Yeah did just that, I climbed up a

stewardess's skirt and slept in her pussy and I

woke up in a biker's beard!"

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By *ottsguy44Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

Two mental patients were walking next to a swimming pool. One jumped into the pool and the other jumped in to save him. Their doctor saw the rescue and called the rescuer to his office. "Due to your actions, it appears your mental state is fine," the doctor said to the patient, "You can go home to your family, but before you do, you should know that the person you saved hung himself today." The patient replied, "He didn't hang himself; I hung him there to dry."

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By *ottsguy44Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

My wife and I really love bondage.

She loves it because she's a kinky bitch.

I love it because I get to gag her for a couple of hours!

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By *tmmCouple
over a year ago

harlow

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

My girlfriend wants us to make

love on a bed of roses.

I'm getting thorny just thinking

about it!!

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

As we stripped off jumping into the bed my girlfriend said to me, "Can you give me a minute?"

"Why? Want to freshen up?" I asked..."No," she replied. "Its just that last time you only gave me 30 seconds."

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By *av1970Man
over a year ago

Tattershall

Happy New Year....apologies I suffer from premature congratulation

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By *lutandhubbyCouple
over a year ago

west midlands

I was bragging to my boss last week, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of my boasting, the boss called my bluff, "OK, Dave , how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So we fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, my boss was still sceptical. After leaving Cruise's house, he tells me that he thinks me knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," I said.

"President Bush," my boss quickly retorted.

"Yes, we`re old mates, let's fly out to Washington," and off we went. At the White House, Bush spotted me and motioned me and the boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After we left the White House grounds he expressed his doubts to me, so again I implored him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," the boss replies.

"Sure!" I said. "I've known the Pope for years." So off we flew to Rome.

Me and the boss were assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when I said, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

Sure enough, half an hour later I emerged with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time I returned, I found that the boss had a heart attack and was surrounded by paramedics.

Making my way to the boss' side, I asked him, "What happened?"

My boss looked up and said, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I was bragging to my boss last week, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of my boasting, the boss called my bluff, "OK, Dave , how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So we fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, my boss was still sceptical. After leaving Cruise's house, he tells me that he thinks me knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," I said.

"President Bush," my boss quickly retorted.

"Yes, we`re old mates, let's fly out to Washington," and off we went. At the White House, Bush spotted me and motioned me and the boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After we left the White House grounds he expressed his doubts to me, so again I implored him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," the boss replies.

"Sure!" I said. "I've known the Pope for years." So off we flew to Rome.

Me and the boss were assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when I said, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

Sure enough, half an hour later I emerged with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time I returned, I found that the boss had a heart attack and was surrounded by paramedics.

Making my way to the boss' side, I asked him, "What happened?"

My boss looked up and said, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave? "

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By *he Master JMan
over a year ago

Southall


"I was bragging to my boss last week, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of my boasting, the boss called my bluff, "OK, Dave , how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So we fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, my boss was still sceptical. After leaving Cruise's house, he tells me that he thinks me knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," I said.

"President Bush," my boss quickly retorted.

"Yes, we`re old mates, let's fly out to Washington," and off we went. At the White House, Bush spotted me and motioned me and the boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After we left the White House grounds he expressed his doubts to me, so again I implored him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," the boss replies.

"Sure!" I said. "I've known the Pope for years." So off we flew to Rome.

Me and the boss were assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when I said, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

Sure enough, half an hour later I emerged with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time I returned, I found that the boss had a heart attack and was surrounded by paramedics.

Making my way to the boss' side, I asked him, "What happened?"

My boss looked up and said, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave? "

Bloody brilliant

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You want a joke. Have a look at my penis pics :0)

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By *ichaelangelaCouple
over a year ago

notts

man went to the docs, doc asked whats wrong??

man said "its my cock, its gone orange"

doc takes a look and says he's never seen anything like it,

"what do you do for work" the doc asks.

"unemployed" says the man.

"and what do you do with your time all day" the doc asks.

"not much" replys the man, just sit watching porn & eating bags of wotsits

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By *ottsguy44Man
over a year ago

nottinghamshire

2 WPCs are on patrol with an alsation and one of them says its getting really cold and I've left my knickers at the station, the other one says don't worry let the dog sniff your fanny and he'll run back to the station and get them. 2 hours later the dog comes back with 2 truncheons a broom handle and 4 of the desk sergeants fingers!

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By *mmabluTV/TS
over a year ago

upton wirral


"I was bragging to my boss last week, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of my boasting, the boss called my bluff, "OK, Dave , how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So we fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, my boss was still sceptical. After leaving Cruise's house, he tells me that he thinks me knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," I said.

"President Bush," my boss quickly retorted.

"Yes, we`re old mates, let's fly out to Washington," and off we went. At the White House, Bush spotted me and motioned me and the boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After we left the White House grounds he expressed his doubts to me, so again I implored him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," the boss replies.

"Sure!" I said. "I've known the Pope for years." So off we flew to Rome.

Me and the boss were assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when I said, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

Sure enough, half an hour later I emerged with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time I returned, I found that the boss had a heart attack and was surrounded by paramedics.

Making my way to the boss' side, I asked him, "What happened?"

My boss looked up and said, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave? "
can't stop laughing

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 08/12/14 23:36:53]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Red indian chief suffering from severe constipation send his brave to see witch doctor..

brave "doc doc big chief no shit"

Doc "take 1/2 pill and come back to see me.

brave goes bck next day..doc doc big chief no shit

Doc " take 1 pill and see me tomorrow

Brave return..doc doc big chief no shit

Doc " take the bottle and take 2 pills but be careful

Brave returns to chief and who decides to take the whole bottle.

brave return to doctor and sas ..doc doc big shit no chief

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