FabSwingers.com forum: Domestic Abuse Awareness

By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Next week is Domestic Abuse Awareness week.

However, today there are vigils taking place across the country to save refuges. If you are able to give some time at 6pm to stand up to save these places of safety for women and their children (in the main, there are a few for men too) please do.

Woman's Hour had a moving interview with one woman living in a refuge. They also had an interview last week about the creation of refuges by Erin Pizzey. Well worth a listen.

If you've ever needed a place of safety you know how vital refuges are.

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By *uttyjonnMan
over a year ago

SEA

When this topic comes up in this forum I am amazed by the number of woman (I realise its a two way street) who have been subjected to this kind of abuse

I have never heard of Erin Pizzey but have just read her bio and she sounds inspirational - It sounds like she has had an eventful life - thanks for the post

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"When this topic comes up in this forum I am amazed by the number of woman (I realise its a two way street) who have been subjected to this kind of abuse

I have never heard of Erin Pizzey but have just read her bio and she sounds inspirational - It sounds like she has had an eventful life - thanks for the post "

She is inspirational.

Refuges are not easy places and you really don't want anyone living in one for more than 6 months but the housing shortage means some have to stay longer. The cuts leading to the loss of refuge spaces mean that many have nowhere to go and remain in abusive situations.

Two women a week die as a result of domestic abuse.

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By *issHottieBottieWoman
over a year ago

Kent

"When this topic comes up in this forum I am amazed by the number of woman (I realise its a two way street) who have been subjected to this kind of abuse

I have never heard of Erin Pizzey but have just read her bio and she sounds inspirational - It sounds like she has had an eventful life - thanks for the post

She is inspirational.

Two women a week die as a result of domestic abuse.

I was lucky (if you call it that) to get out before mine got really bad but I put up with a lot and took an emotional battering over 3 years. It took me having my son and realising that I didn't want that crap around him to do something about it. It was terrifying. I truly feel for anyone that has been abused mentally or physically. It's a rough situation and not easy to get out of even though people say just leave etc. x

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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in North Norfolk

How does one go about finding out if there's a vigil locally?

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By *leepyangelCouple
over a year ago

over the hill and far away

My ex husband tried to kill me. I was too ashamed to admit to anyone that I was suffering domestic violence.

I just didn't know where else to turn so I struggled for years.

It was finally up to the police to end the marriage on my behalf.

I am lucky to say I survived. Some are less fortunate.

My advice to others in this situation is to get out before you are carried out in a wooden box

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Next week is Domestic Abuse Awareness week.

Woman's Hour had a moving interview with one woman living in a refuge. They also had an interview last week about the creation of refuges by Erin Pizzey. Well worth a listen.

If you've ever needed a place of safety you know how vital refuges are.

Yes I have, I yes I do. I have great admiration, for all who give their time tirelessly x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How does one go about finding out if there's a vigil locally?"

This ... Is something I would go out of my way to attend.

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By *erseyridersCouple
over a year ago

wallasey

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I am sorry I wasn't able to get back on the forum and let you all know how to get involved in the vigils.

I'm just back from the one at Downing Street (well, across the road as they don't let you protest outside Downing Street any more).

Hopefully, it will be featured on the BBC News at 10.

Monday is White Ribbon Day. Look out for events locally and have a look at the Women's Aid website for information about things going on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You are an inspiration Lickety and thanks for bringing this to my attention. Massive respect to all escaping abusive relationships and damn right these places are needed in our society

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

They are desperately needed. Without them I don't think I would be alive today. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm lucky that I've never suffered domestic abuse from a spouse or partner but instead witnessed my step father being violent towards my mother. Made me grow up knowing that no man would ever violently lay his hands on me. Also taught me to never put a man before my child as twice my step father battered me when I was 15. Once in front of my own mother and she didn't even stop him, the second time in front of 3 of my friends, he broke 3 ribs, my nose and I had to have a metal plate in my jaw, after that I went to live with my grandmother. If any guy ever put his hands on me or even looked at my child the wrong way it would be the last thing he ever did.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whoever maliciously hits a women with venom and anger coupled with violence is a pathetic excuse for a man.

Hit me asshole. I. Dare. You.

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By *its_n_piecesCouple
over a year ago

is there a website that details what, why, where etc?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Domestic abuse takes many forms. My ex partner used to try and control what I wore, ate, who I saw etc etc. His family used to say he'd met his match in me as id never stand for it. I used to point out id been around for nearly 40 years and running my own home completely alone for a dozen years. When he left his final threat was he'd make me wish id never been fucking born. He and his gf are currently harrassing me (police involved) and hes taking me to court for full custody of the daughter he hasnt seen (or asked after) in months. The paperwork submitted contains the most heinous of lies about me that involved social services. I have no way of redressing these lies, I have to stomach them. Guess what? There aint a man alive who will ever beat me so if thats the best shot (im completely exonerated btw) then, even if you do ever batter me (as I sincerely believe he will one day) then you still lost.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"is there a website that details what, why, where etc?"

The vigil and the petition bit is over but you can still press for your MP to put pressure on Cameron to stop the cuts to refuges.

More information will be available locally about services and support during next week.

I will post some of the statistics tomorrow. Grim reading.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Having been a victim of domestuc abuse myself I am in full support of any measures that increase awarness of the problem, however, I still feel that the whole publicity of the problem is rather one sided in that it fails to recognise that men can be victims too.

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By *itzWoman
over a year ago

south wales

"Having been a victim of domestuc abuse myself I am in full support of any measures that increase awarness of the problem, however, I still feel that the whole publicity of the problem is rather one sided in that it fails to recognise that men can be victims too."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

surprising what goes on behind closed doors - through our friends and neighbours eyes and even family we were successful happy little average family - how wrong - and its like so many things more common than we think

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i agree all the advertising pounts to women, social stigma is different when its a man, i also think their should be hubs and safe places for men and children suffering a violent partner ... And before anyone says it yes i have been a victim of it my partner beat me religiously for 2 years at 17 until i fell pregnant and i left him when he said hed beat the fucker out of me.

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By *ucsparkMan
over a year ago

dudley

I am always amazed at the number involved, it really makes me want to weep.

My mother has always had the don't strike first rule & has always told all our partners if they hit or abuse us it's her they deal with.

Years back I did some free work in a refuge and it was heart breaking seeing the poor souls in there. We ended up going back a few times to sort other stuff out and brought their christmas tree and some kiddy presents, looking back still was not enough

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A subject that is now being brought up to the younger generations and about time.

Took me 18 years to escape my abusive partner (more emotional which was worse as I thought I was mad). Worse thing was he made himself out to be the victim!

Now more than happy with my new life

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Domestic abuse takes many forms. My ex partner used to try and control what I wore, ate, who I saw etc etc. His family used to say he'd met his match in me as id never stand for it. I used to point out id been around for nearly 40 years and running my own home completely alone for a dozen years. When he left his final threat was he'd make me wish id never been fucking born. He and his gf are currently harrassing me (police involved) and hes taking me to court for full custody of the daughter he hasnt seen (or asked after) in months. The paperwork submitted contains the most heinous of lies about me that involved social services. I have no way of redressing these lies, I have to stomach them. Guess what? There aint a man alive who will ever beat me so if thats the best shot (im completely exonerated btw) then, even if you do ever batter me (as I sincerely believe he will one day) then you still lost."

Try to think of it as what goes round comes round - karma usually bites people on the ass! Stay strong - that's the best revenge you can have x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its on the increase at the moment and I think that has something to do with the state of the economy. Here in Gloucestershire they've seen a spike in incidents and are trying to address that. I know I've said this before on the forums but the abused partner will leave an average of 7 times before they leave for good. It's not just the victim , it's the affect on their children too.

Finally , mental abuse is being taken as seriously as physical abuse. I was a victim of mental abuse, at the time you don't realise that you are gradually having your self esteem eroded and being isolated from all those you love. Thank goodness a health visitor helped me see the light, I walked out ten years ago and started again.

It's a situation even the strongest man or woman can find themselves in. Refuges do a fantastic job of putting shattered lives back together , so need to be kept! I'll definitely be supporting keeping them.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Its on the increase at the moment and I think that has something to do with the state of the economy. Here in Gloucestershire they've seen a spike in incidents and are trying to address that. I know I've said this before on the forums but the abused partner will leave an average of 7 times before they leave for good. It's not just the victim , it's the affect on their children too.

I don't know where you are in Gloucestershire but South Gloucestershire is currently consulting on cutting ALL funding to refuges as domestic abuse prevention work.

This is something everyone can do - check what your local authority is planning to cut and respond to the consultation.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"A subject that is now being brought up to the younger generations and about time.

Took me 18 years to escape my abusive partner (more emotional which was worse as I thought I was mad). Worse thing was he made himself out to be the victim!

Now more than happy with my new life

There is a campaign to change the law to recognise psychological abuse.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A subject that is now being brought up to the younger generations and about time.

Took me 18 years to escape my abusive partner (more emotional which was worse as I thought I was mad). Worse thing was he made himself out to be the victim!

Now more than happy with my new life

There is a campaign to change the law to recognise psychological abuse.

Good - young people need to be more aware of the signs, I work in education and at our school there are posters up all about physical / emotional abuse, I just hope they get read.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Try to think of it as what goes round comes round - karma usually bites people on the ass! Stay strong - that's the best revenge you can have x"

thank you, I will. Aint a man alive could ever break me. Ive been raped, beaten up by a "boyfrienf" and on and on. I take crap from nobody and firmly believe in karma. That said, take me on with regard to the most amazing person in the stratosphere and this mama will go global on your ass

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Try to think of it as what goes round comes round - karma usually bites people on the ass! Stay strong - that's the best revenge you can have x

Total respect to you lovely lady x

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By *ipswingCouple
over a year ago

portrush

was brought up to believe that a man who hits a woman is not a man... end off ..

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

These are the Save Our Services campaign messages:

Between 2010 and 2014 (July) the number of specialist refuge services decreased from 187 to 155.

• In England, according to Council of Europe recommendations, there is a shortfall of 1,727 refuge bedspaces (32%).

• In one day in 2013, 155 women and their 103 children were turned away from refuge because they could not be accommodated.

• 48% of 167 domestic violence services in England said that they were running services without funding. Six refuge services were being run without dedicated funding and using up their reserves to keep their services going.

• Between April and July 2014, ten specialist domestic violence services across England lost funding for services they were providing. All but one of these nine services lost their services to a non-specialist service provider.

Less than half of all incidents of domestic violence are reported to the police, but they still receive one domestic violence call every minute in the UK.

The estimated total cost of domestic violence to society in monetary terms is £23 billion per annum. This figure includes an estimated £3.1 billion as the cost to the state and £1.3 billion as the cost to employers and human suffering cost of £17 billion.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

xxxx

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

I whould just like to add that same sex DV is on the rise..It is found that weapon escalation is a lot quicker in gay male relationships and it's also the most under reported of domestic violence

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I whould just like to add that same sex DV is on the rise..It is found that weapon escalation is a lot quicker in gay male relationships and it's also the most under reported of domestic violence

Sadly it is. There is also a rise in child to parent abuse.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's in the news... Melanie Sykes' ex has accused her of Domestic Violence.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"It's in the news... Melanie Sykes' ex has accused her of Domestic Violence. "

Wasn't the accusation made last year? It saddens me that anyone, male or female faces domestic abuse.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's in the news... Melanie Sykes' ex has accused her of Domestic Violence.

Wasn't the accusation made last year? It saddens me that anyone, male or female faces domestic abuse.

Yes but she's in 'I'm a celebrity' jungle thing, so it's making the news again.

I don't know the details of the case but I hope it gets people talking about male victims of dv as they are often forgotten.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wouldn't it be more prudent to move the week to end of January? Only I know the shit hits the fan in the patch when the credit card bills come in from Christmas. Just a thought

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By *its_n_piecesCouple
over a year ago

"It's in the news... Melanie Sykes' ex has accused her of Domestic Violence.

Wasn't the accusation made last year? It saddens me that anyone, male or female faces domestic abuse.

Yes but she's in 'I'm a celebrity' jungle thing, so it's making the news again.

I don't know the details of the case but I hope it gets people talking about male victims of dv as they are often forgotten. "

latest figures from esteem ...

There are 72 bed spaces in refuges in the UK for men. 44 of these spaces can be used by women 18 of these spaces are exclusively for gay men that leaves 10 dedicated male refuge beds in the UK for men. There are 7,500 spaces dedicated to female victims.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Wouldn't it be more prudent to move the week to end of January? Only I know the shit hits the fan in the patch when the credit card bills come in from Christmas. Just a thought

The idea of the awareness is to get people to not behave in such destructive ways.

Christmas, New Year and after football matches are particular trigger points for male on female domestic abuse.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"It's in the news... Melanie Sykes' ex has accused her of Domestic Violence.

Wasn't the accusation made last year? It saddens me that anyone, male or female faces domestic abuse.

Yes but she's in 'I'm a celebrity' jungle thing, so it's making the news again.

I don't know the details of the case but I hope it gets people talking about male victims of dv as they are often forgotten.

latest figures from esteem ...

And the dedicated female spaces are all full and being cut.

It's not an either or argument it's an argument for adequate provision across the board.

I am not denying males as being victims and survivors too but I really find it very divisive when the argument is placed in terms of women get everything. They don't but it is a much more mature sector that has been developed by women for women. Services for men are playing catch up.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Wouldn't it be more prudent to move the week to end of January? Only I know the shit hits the fan in the patch when the credit card bills come in from Christmas. Just a thought

The idea of the awareness is to get people to not behave in such destructive ways.

Christmas, New Year and after football matches are particular trigger points for male on female domestic abuse.

Pay day's a big one here. Usually when I'm on Orderly Major as well

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"was brought up to believe that a man who hits a woman is not a man... end off .. "

Quite right too, without going into too much detail I deal with these scumbag cowards on a daily basis, it's amazing how much it goes on and how many women just live with it for a variety of reasons, fear, financial necessity, kids etc etc. I really despise men that abuse women in all forms, not just violence. On the plus side domestic abuse is at the top of the agenda nowadays and most if not all forces operate a zero tolerance even when the victim refuses to make a complaint. Refuges offer a safe haven for victims and do a fantastic job.

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By *hole Lotta RosieWoman
over a year ago

Deviant City

I couldn't even get into a refuge as they had been taken up by asylum seekers. I had nothing but the clothes I was wearing. Had to kip on a friends floor with my 6 year old son. Never want to experience that ever again, but I was safe and alive.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A subject that is now being brought up to the younger generations and about time.

Took me 18 years to escape my abusive partner (more emotional which was worse as I thought I was mad). Worse thing was he made himself out to be the victim!

Now more than happy with my new life

There is a campaign to change the law to recognise psychological abuse.

"The Home Secretary is considering new powers which will put psychological abuse on a par with physical violence in the home, it was reported today.

Partners who use controlling behaviour, as well as violence, to subject their partners to a life of misery could be convicted of 'coercive control'."

Also in the news....

Don't know how they will prove it though.

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By *its_n_piecesCouple
over a year ago

"It's in the news... Melanie Sykes' ex has accused her of Domestic Violence.

Wasn't the accusation made last year? It saddens me that anyone, male or female faces domestic abuse.

Yes but she's in 'I'm a celebrity' jungle thing, so it's making the news again.

I don't know the details of the case but I hope it gets people talking about male victims of dv as they are often forgotten.

latest figures from esteem ...

And the dedicated female spaces are all full and being cut.

It's not an either or argument it's an argument for adequate provision across the board.

it isn't my intentention to be devisive by posting the information... i was attempting to further the awareness of the general situation regarding the support for victims of dv, in this case for male victims and their children. i myself used to work in a refuge for female victims of dv in north wales. as you say all 7,500 dedicated places for women are full and funding is being cut. all 10 dedicated places for men are also full and funding is being cut. unless there is awareness of the whole situation there will be fewer places for any victims of dv regardless of gender or sexual orientation. i support this thread in it's entirety.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

"It's in the news... Melanie Sykes' ex has accused her of Domestic Violence.

Wasn't the accusation made last year? It saddens me that anyone, male or female faces domestic abuse.

Yes but she's in 'I'm a celebrity' jungle thing, so it's making the news again.

I don't know the details of the case but I hope it gets people talking about male victims of dv as they are often forgotten.

latest figures from esteem ...

And the dedicated female spaces are all full and being cut.

It's not an either or argument it's an argument for adequate provision across the board.

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By *or Fox SakeCouple
over a year ago

Thornaby

Domestic abuse of men is far more widespread than "advertised". It needs to be brought into the light.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"A subject that is now being brought up to the younger generations and about time.

Took me 18 years to escape my abusive partner (more emotional which was worse as I thought I was mad). Worse thing was he made himself out to be the victim!

Now more than happy with my new life

There is a campaign to change the law to recognise psychological abuse.

"The Home Secretary is considering new powers which will put psychological abuse on a par with physical violence in the home, it was reported today.

Partners who use controlling behaviour, as well as violence, to subject their partners to a life of misery could be convicted of 'coercive control'."

Also in the news....

Don't know how they will prove it though.

It has taken years to get consideration of psychological abuse anywhere near this far up the agenda.

The issue of proof is the next bit of the battle.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"It's in the news... Melanie Sykes' ex has accused her of Domestic Violence.

Wasn't the accusation made last year? It saddens me that anyone, male or female faces domestic abuse.

Yes but she's in 'I'm a celebrity' jungle thing, so it's making the news again.

I don't know the details of the case but I hope it gets people talking about male victims of dv as they are often forgotten.

latest figures from esteem ...

And the dedicated female spaces are all full and being cut.

It's not an either or argument it's an argument for adequate provision across the board.

Thank you.

I do urge people to check what cuts their local authority is planning and protest if they are planning to cut DV funding.

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By *anchestercubMan
over a year ago

manchester & NI

I ran training for the public and third sectors years ago concerning how to identify domestic violence but when the backup support isn't there it's very demoralising.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I ran training for the public and third sectors years ago concerning how to identify domestic violence but when the backup support isn't there it's very demoralising. "

It is.

RSPCA workers are also being trained to recognise domestic abuse as often animals are harmed too. Many stay because they can't find refuges that will take pets.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There is a common link between domestic violence and child abuse ... Children who are exposed to violence are 15 times more likely to be physically and/or sexually abused.

Infants and children being exposed to violence in the home experience so much emotional stress that it harms the development of their brain and impairs cognitive and sensory growth.

Primary aged children - 40% have lower reading abilities than children from non violent homes.

Domestic violence is wrong whatever gender or person - we need to stop it and definitely need to provide safe havens for anyone experiencing it.

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By *anchestercubMan
over a year ago

manchester & NI

"I ran training for the public and third sectors years ago concerning how to identify domestic violence but when the backup support isn't there it's very demoralising.

It is.

RSPCA workers are also being trained to recognise domestic abuse as often animals are harmed too. Many stay because they can't find refuges that will take pets.

That's something I wouldn't have even thought about at the time.

Then the police were trying to really get Asian women's and LGBT community groups involved (as they hadn't been). A lot of Asian women's groups came to the training but the LGBT groups didn't show up at all, despite saying they would. It was really disappointing.

Sort of highlights how everyone needs to be on top of their game to get the best effective results.

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

"It's in the news... Melanie Sykes' ex has accused her of Domestic Violence.

Wasn't the accusation made last year? It saddens me that anyone, male or female faces domestic abuse.

Yes but she's in 'I'm a celebrity' jungle thing, so it's making the news again.

I don't know the details of the case but I hope it gets people talking about male victims of dv as they are often forgotten.

latest figures from esteem ...

And the dedicated female spaces are all full and being cut.

It's not an either or argument it's an argument for adequate provision across the board.

Thank you.

I do urge people to check what cuts their local authority is planning and protest if they are planning to cut DV funding.

Some local authorites hands are tied in terms of funding....I want to throw something into the mix at the cost of those falsely claiming DV to play the system. It's a lot of wasted money but its a taboo thing to discuss but the plain fact is that people do lie to play the system and DV is the one that is used often and they know that most local authorities have to air on the side of caution. I've caught out a lot of people that stated they have experienced DV when they haven't.

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By *anchestercubMan
over a year ago

manchester & NI

What do they get out of playing the system?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Are there refuges for men yet?

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Are there refuges for men yet? "

Not really. It's bit of work that needs to be done.

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

"What do they get out of playing the system? "

A new home manly. They might be getting evicted for rent arrears put in a homeless application stating DV. The local authority can't take in consideration the rent arrears. Some is because they are overcrowded by one bedroom there are lots of reasons to play the system.

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

"Are there refuges for men yet? "

There are 2 in the country for men

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Some might do indeed but getting housing is not easy for anyone and you would and should need more than the accusation before you are considered for social housing.

Many local authorities refuse to take anyone from outside their area onto the list and a lot more are now taking the line that you have to be resident for 2 to 10 years before you can be housed. If you are in a refuge you can't stay there for 10 years.

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By *anchestercubMan
over a year ago

manchester & NI

"What do they get out of playing the system?

Thanks.

I assumed women would go to a shelter or hospice where they'd be assessed and counselled, then further services would follow.

But if there's a direct route to services then I can imagine it does get abused. What disrespect to victims.

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

Some might do indeed but getting housing is not easy for anyone and you would and should need more than the accusation before you are considered for social housing.

Sometimes accusation is all you need as local authorities have to air on the side of caution and if you are fleeing violence you can approach any local authority for housing assistance. You don't need a local connection if you are fleeing violence. Local authorities can't refuse to take a homeless ap as that is deemed as gatekeeping which is illegal.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Some might do indeed but getting housing is not easy for anyone and you would and should need more than the accusation before you are considered for social housing.

And yet I know at least three authorities that are doing exactly that. They won't consider an application unless it comes from a refuge or DV organisation. If they get a direct approach they refer to a DV organisation.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My local housibg association needs evidence of dv before you can access housing... Although the council have good sources locally. not much for men.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My local housibg association needs evidence of dv before you can access housing... Although the council have good sources locally. not much for men. "

[off topic] what an eyeful....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Are there refuges for men yet?

There are 2 in the country for men "

System still keeping guys in their relationships then. Really hoped it might have improved by now.

Having been in a seriously abusive relationship for years I find it sad to realise things haven't changed in the last 15 years.

On countless occasions when the police attended our home, I asked them what I could do to get away.

They told me my only options were to stay and just keep taking it. Or leave alone, leaving my little girls undefended while I risked losing them in a court.

They told me if I took them to safety they would find me, return them home and it would go against me in court.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Are there refuges for men yet?

There are 2 in the country for men

System still keeping guys in their relationships then. Really hoped it might have improved by now.

Having been in a seriously abusive relationship for years I find it sad to realise things haven't changed in the last 15 years.

On countless occasions when the police attended our home, I asked them what I could do to get away.

They told me my only options were to stay and just keep taking it. Or leave alone, leaving my little girls undefended while I risked losing them in a court.

They told me if I took them to safety they would find me, return them home and it would go against me in court. "

That is terrible for you and your daughters.

The refuges for women came about because women got together and created them. A lot of the services have come from women coming together and making them happen.

I wonder why men haven't been making the same thing happen? I will have a look into this and see where there is any movement.

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By *anchestercubMan
over a year ago

manchester & NI

It's going to be interesting to see how the new psychological abuse framework is put into place.

I'm still not sure how it will be evidenced when allegations are made.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I see on the news today a new law to be bought in, no one can emotionally abuse, or control a partner.

How do you prove a control freak.

Her

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Every victim of DV feels alone and trapped. Women have been working together to improve their lives for many years.

Men haven't. Hence why, in my opinion, female victims have an out while men do not.

I could never see why refuges had to be for women only.

I would have been happy to pay for my own accommodation if I could have taken my girls with me. There was certainly enough evidence.

If I'd stayed in the home and started court proceedings, she'd promised she would have vanished with them while I was at work.

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By *ust MonicaWoman
over a year ago

CAMBRIDGESHIRE

"Are there refuges for men yet?

There are 2 in the country for men

System still keeping guys in their relationships then. Really hoped it might have improved by now.

Having been in a seriously abusive relationship for years I find it sad to realise things haven't changed in the last 15 years.

On countless occasions when the police attended our home, I asked them what I could do to get away.

They told me my only options were to stay and just keep taking it. Or leave alone, leaving my little girls undefended while I risked losing them in a court.

They told me if I took them to safety they would find me, return them home and it would go against me in court.

That is terrible for you and your daughters.

The refuges for women came about because women got together and created them. A lot of the services have come from women coming together and making them happen.

I wonder why men haven't been making the same thing happen? I will have a look into this and see where there is any movement.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Every victim of DV feels alone and trapped. Women have been working together to improve their lives for many years.

Men haven't. Hence why, in my opinion, female victims have an out while men do not.

I could never see why refuges had to be for women only.

I would have been happy to pay for my own accommodation if I could have taken my girls with me. There was certainly enough evidence.

If I'd stayed in the home and started court proceedings, she'd promised she would have vanished with them while I was at work. "

Refuges started with Erin Pizzey creating one, squatting other properties and turning them into refuges. That led to women's organisations creating a network of refuges across the country. Because the ethos was women only work, to provide a safe space away from men, they didn't create refuges for men.

Refuges are still created by charitable organisations but the funding is difficult. If the women cannot pay the rent the whole refuge is in danger. What I don't know is why men's organisations have not decided to create refuges.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Every victim of DV feels alone and trapped. Women have been working together to improve their lives for many years.

Men haven't. Hence why, in my opinion, female victims have an out while men do not.

I could never see why refuges had to be for women only.

I would have been happy to pay for my own accommodation if I could have taken my girls with me. There was certainly enough evidence.

If I'd stayed in the home and started court proceedings, she'd promised she would have vanished with them while I was at work.

This is bringing back some horrendous memories and I can feel the back of my eyes burning.

Men have been victims of our own inability to ask for help. To admit we need it and to work together to defend ourselves.

It wasn't easy admitting a woman 8" shorter than I was psychologically destroying me and physically abusing me.

I thought I was protecting my daughters from her. I was wrong there too.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Every victim of DV feels alone and trapped. Women have been working together to improve their lives for many years.

Men haven't. Hence why, in my opinion, female victims have an out while men do not.

I could never see why refuges had to be for women only.

I would have been happy to pay for my own accommodation if I could have taken my girls with me. There was certainly enough evidence.

If I'd stayed in the home and started court proceedings, she'd promised she would have vanished with them while I was at work.

This is bringing back some horrendous memories and I can feel the back of my eyes burning.

Men have been victims of our own inability to ask for help. To admit we need it and to work together to defend ourselves.

It wasn't easy admitting a woman 8" shorter than I was psychologically destroying me and physically abusing me.

I thought I was protecting my daughters from her. I was wrong there too.

I am sorry for your distress and the pain you have been through at the hands of someone who was supposed to love you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Every victim of DV feels alone and trapped. Women have been working together to improve their lives for many years.

Men haven't. Hence why, in my opinion, female victims have an out while men do not.

I could never see why refuges had to be for women only.

I would have been happy to pay for my own accommodation if I could have taken my girls with me. There was certainly enough evidence.

If I'd stayed in the home and started court proceedings, she'd promised she would have vanished with them while I was at work.

This is bringing back some horrendous memories and I can feel the back of my eyes burning.

Men have been victims of our own inability to ask for help. To admit we need it and to work together to defend ourselves.

It wasn't easy admitting a woman 8" shorter than I was psychologically destroying me and physically abusing me.

I thought I was protecting my daughters from her. I was wrong there too.

I am sorry for your distress and the pain you have been through at the hands of someone who was supposed to love you.

Thank you. It's no different for any victim of DV.

On a lighter note. I did find a way out. I won custody and got my home back. It was stripped bare but that meant we could play off ground tig on roller blades

My youngest is in her second year studying law now. My eldest has a great job and a degree under her belt too.

I'm married now to an amazing woman and together we have brought up both mine and her two children.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

It wasn't easy admitting a woman 8" shorter than I was psychologically destroying me and physically abusing me.

I thought I was protecting my daughters from her. I was wrong there too.

I am sorry for your distress and the pain you have been through at the hands of someone who was supposed to love you.

Thank you. It's no different for any victim of DV.

On a lighter note. I did find a way out. I won custody and got my home back. It was stripped bare but that meant we could play off ground tig on roller blades

My youngest is in her second year studying law now. My eldest has a great job and a degree under her belt too.

I'm married now to an amazing woman and together we have brought up both mine and her two children. "

That's a wonderful story of not just surviving but thriving. Well done to you.

I will wear my white ribbon with you in my thoughts tomorrow.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A white ribbon is to signify support for those suffering abuse?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Next week is Domestic Abuse Awareness week.

Woman's Hour had a moving interview with one woman living in a refuge. They also had an interview last week about the creation of refuges by Erin Pizzey. Well worth a listen.

If you've ever needed a place of safety you know how vital refuges are.

My mum was a victim of domestic abuse. We spent a year in a refuge, there was me my sister and mum sharing a tiny little room. This was the seventies so things have dramatically improved.

I truly believe though that my mum being the strong brave woman she was to stand up to a abuser and take us to the place of safety saved all our lives.

There isn't much I remember about growing up but I do remember the refuge and finally feeling safe. My mum also learned how to smile again.

Having learnt what it is like to live with domestic abuse, I haven't thank god been a victim my self as a adult

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

"A white ribbon is to signify support for those suffering abuse?"
Not sure, but this is copied from the white ribbon campaign website....Wearing a white ribbon is a personal pledge never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I spent a gruling 21 years yes years taking emotional..verbal..physical..and rest abuse and finally in June took the biggest step of my life after him beating me sensless in front of my daughter..I went to an domestic violence group who got me a solicitor ..The solicitor called me the very next day to stand before her and she granted me 2 non notice orders so he could never come near me or my house again ..

guess what he tried to say he didn't do it lol

best thing iv ever done and il stand for anyone to stop this xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A white ribbon is to signify support for those suffering abuse?Not sure, but this is copied from the white ribbon campaign website....Wearing a white ribbon is a personal pledge never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women."

Well I shall wear one tomorrow and personally pledge never to commit, condone or remain silent about violence against anyone.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"A white ribbon is to signify support for those suffering abuse?"

The White Ribbon Campaign was started by men to raise awareness of domestic abuse. It's a global campaign. It has extended to cover all forms of violence, including from women to men. The Ribbon is about awareness (just as the red ribbon is for HIV/Aids) and I wear it to honour survivors.

Some areas also do Bloomin' Strong during this week where flowers are given to who have survived domestic abuse to remind them that they are beautiful and strong.

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By *its_n_piecesCouple
over a year ago

"Every victim of DV feels alone and trapped. Women have been working together to improve their lives for many years.

Men haven't. Hence why, in my opinion, female victims have an out while men do not.

I could never see why refuges had to be for women only.

I would have been happy to pay for my own accommodation if I could have taken my girls with me. There was certainly enough evidence.

If I'd stayed in the home and started court proceedings, she'd promised she would have vanished with them while I was at work.

untill the mens rights movement is taken seriously then there can be no impetus in achieving enough funding to keep a refuge open for any sustained period of time. it was the same situation for erin pizzey 40 years ago and it is the same now .... nothing has changed. until wider society excepts that men can also be victims too then there is little chance of securing funding from private sources. it will always be more "right-on" for philanthropists to give charitable donations to womens causes rather than mens. however i think we are on the edge of a dramatic sea change with increasing media coverage of the situation gathering frequency and momentum.

here's an quote from an interview that erin prizzy gave in December 2012:

"Erin: of the first hundred women who came into my refuge, sixty percent were as violent as the men they left. Or, they were violent and the men weren’t.

Dean: They were violent and the men weren’t?

Erin: Yeah! And that’s why I tried to open a house for men almost immediately after I opened the refuge for women and my problem was – and this was a great shock to me – I was given a house at a Peppercorn Rent by the Council; and then I asked men who had actually given money for my refuge for women and children (they were millionaires) to give me some money for the men’s house, and none of them would give a penny!"

erin continues to attempt to raise awarenes and funding for mens refuges but is still achieving little success.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My sister is a strong and confident woman.

She left her first husband 12 years ago. He never actually touched her....but after all this time she is still scared of him

Thankfully she got out in time and is now married to a lovely man who adores her and treats her like a princess

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

"A white ribbon is to signify support for those suffering abuse?

Some areas also do Bloomin' Strong during this week where flowers are given to who have survived domestic abuse to remind them that they are beautiful and strong.

"
It isn't a campaign aimed at men then?

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"I spent a gruling 21 years yes years taking emotional..verbal..physical..and rest abuse and finally in June took the biggest step of my life after him beating me sensless in front of my daughter..I went to an domestic violence group who got me a solicitor ..The solicitor called me the very next day to stand before her and she granted me 2 non notice orders so he could never come near me or my house again ..

guess what he tried to say he didn't do it lol

best thing iv ever done and il stand for anyone to stop this xxx"

I hope life gets better and better for you.

It is frightening that most abuse is conducted with a child in the next or same room.

"How do you say to your child in the night?

Nothing's all black, but then nothing's all white

How do you say it will all be all right

When you know that it might not be true?

What do you do?

Careful the things you say

Children will listen

Careful the things you do

Children will see and learn

Children may not obey, but children will listen

Children will look to you for which way to turn

To learn what to be

Careful before you say "Listen to me"

Children will listen

Careful the wish you make

Wishes are children

Careful the path they take

Wishes come true, not free

Careful the spell you cast

Not just on children

Sometimes a spell may last

Past what you can see

And turn against you

Careful the tale you tell

That is the spell

Children will listen

How do you say to a child who's in flight

"Don't slip away and I won't hold so tight"

What can you say that no matter how slight

Won't be misunderstood.

What do you leave to your child when you're dead?

Only whatever you put in it's head

Things that you're mother and father had said

Which were left to them too

Careful the things you say

Children will listen

Careful you do them too

Children will see

And learn

Guide them, but step away

Children will glisten

Tamper with what is true

And children will turn

If just to be free

Careful before you say

"Listen to me"

These lyrics always come to mind and then I think about them not as just listening but witnessing.

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By *its_n_piecesCouple
over a year ago

can we as a couple take this opotunity to offer solidarity to everyone on this thread who has suffered domestic violence.

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

Some might do indeed but getting housing is not easy for anyone and you would and should need more than the accusation before you are considered for social housing.

Then they are acting unlawfully a local authority cannot refuse to take a homeless application. However there are lots of LA's gatekeeping but that is a whole different topic

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"A white ribbon is to signify support for those suffering abuse?

Some areas also do Bloomin' Strong during this week where flowers are given to who have survived domestic abuse to remind them that they are beautiful and strong.

It isn't a campaign aimed at men then? "

That's how it started but women wear the ribbon now too. Tomorrow is White Ribbon Day. The primary focus is still for men to make the pledge and to become aware of what is going on but with the recognition of more violence from women to men the white ribbon has been adopted, in the UK at least, to cover all domestic and sexual violence.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Point to note to anyone who is or suspects they know a victim of abuse. The decision to end it is the hardest part. Once you've decided you're going to stop being the victim and you walk out, or tell someone, or go to a solicitor, or to a refuge, or whatever your first move may be. From then on it will never be as hard as you imagined.

Every step you take is another step away.

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

I've been in a number of abusive relationships. Im lucky I'm still here as one wanted me dead...luckily I ran and never looked back

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Point to note to anyone who is or suspects they know a victim of abuse. The decision to end it is the hardest part. Once you've decided you're going to stop being the victim and you walk out, or tell someone, or go to a solicitor, or to a refuge, or whatever your first move may be. From then on it will never be as hard as you imagined.

Every step you take is another step away. "

It is also similar to drugs/alcohol abuse in that until YOU make the decision the interventions don't stick. I don't know the figure for men but women take an average of 7 attempts at leaving before they leave for good.

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

"A white ribbon is to signify support for those suffering abuse?

Some areas also do Bloomin' Strong during this week where flowers are given to who have survived domestic abuse to remind them that they are beautiful and strong.

It isn't a campaign aimed at men then?

"
But it was Womankind who launched the first white ribbon day, and although the basic philosophy of the white ribbon campaign is concerned with ALL violence, it is a campaign aimed at helping women, regardless of what you say it means to you. or how its dressed up.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"A white ribbon is to signify support for those suffering abuse?

Some areas also do Bloomin' Strong during this week where flowers are given to who have survived domestic abuse to remind them that they are beautiful and strong.

It isn't a campaign aimed at men then?

But it was Womankind who launched the first white ribbon day, and although the basic philosophy of the white ribbon campaign is concerned with ALL violence, it is a campaign aimed at helping women, regardless of what you say it means to you. or how its dressed up."

I thought WRC was started in Canada by men in the 90s.

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

I think men have been forgotten when it comes to DV. I've seen some horrofic cases of female on male DV

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A white ribbon is to signify support for those suffering abuse?

Some areas also do Bloomin' Strong during this week where flowers are given to who have survived domestic abuse to remind them that they are beautiful and strong.

It isn't a campaign aimed at men then?

I think it's time we stopped differentiating between the sex of victims.

A knife still has the same effect on you no matter what sex you are.

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

Womankind launched the first white ribbon campaign in the UK in 1998.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Womankind launched the first white ribbon campaign in the UK in 1998."

I know but it started before that in Canada. Womankind did the work of bringing the campaign to the UK and helping the campaign spread across the world through their international work.

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

"Womankind launched the first white ribbon campaign in the UK in 1998.

I know but it started before that in Canada. Womankind did the work of bringing the campaign to the UK and helping the campaign spread across the world through their international work.

"
1991 if I recall.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Womankind launched the first white ribbon campaign in the UK in 1998.

I know but it started before that in Canada. Womankind did the work of bringing the campaign to the UK and helping the campaign spread across the world through their international work.

1991 if I recall."

I'll bow to your knowledge on that. I became aware of White Ribbon early this century when working alongside Womankind on a campaign in this country.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A white ribbon is to signify support for those suffering abuse?

Some areas also do Bloomin' Strong during this week where flowers are given to who have survived domestic abuse to remind them that they are beautiful and strong.

It isn't a campaign aimed at men then?

I think it's time we stopped differentiating between the sex of victims.

A knife still has the same effect on you no matter what sex you are. "

so true x

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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

No person should have to live in a situation where they are subjected to violence.

What is blatantly obvious from this thread is more needs to be done.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"No person should have to live in a situation where they are subjected to violence.

What is blatantly obvious from this thread is more needs to be done."

Hear hear.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"No person should have to live in a situation where they are subjected to violence.

What is blatantly obvious from this thread is more needs to be done.

Hear hear.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think the thread has made me realise that I concentrated on my own situation and then on working to bring my children up, trying to minimise the damage done to my girls.

My wife and her children are also survivors.

I was annoyed that there was nothing out there to assist me as a man.

However, having survived, I have done nothing to redress that.

For that I am truly ashamed. I intend to do something about that now.

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By *its_n_piecesCouple
over a year ago

there are several white ribbon websites on the world wide web ..... i quote "white ribbon org is owned by erin pizzy, hosted by A Voice For Men, and is not affiliated with any other white ribbon organization" .....the focal point of the cause of this site is to "end violence against everyone" ..... their mandate is and i quote again "we are concerned by the current fad to define the problem of domestic violence in terms of gender. the scientific evidence, presented to you on this site by the worlds leading experts in domestic violence, shows with complete clarity, violence in the home is not a gendered problem. it is a learned behavior by both sexes in dysfunctional, violent families that is also complicated by alcohol and substance abuse, poverty, lack of education, and a variety of other factors with no relationship at all to gender."

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By *eryBigGirlWoman
over a year ago

East Yorkshire

"There is a common link between domestic violence and child abuse ... Children who are exposed to violence are 15 times more likely to be physically and/or sexually abused.

Infants and children being exposed to violence in the home experience so much emotional stress that it harms the development of their brain and impairs cognitive and sensory growth.

Primary aged children - 40% have lower reading abilities than children from non violent homes.

Domestic violence is wrong whatever gender or person - we need to stop it and definitely need to provide safe havens for anyone experiencing it.

This for me is an area that needs highlighting more and the effects of a child not actually witnessing but simply living in a DV household is massive. Thankfully this is now acknowledged as a form of abuse when it comes to thresholds for protection of children. In my experience I've never come across a case yet were DV isn't a part of everyday life of the children I work with

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

guess what he tried to say he didn't do it lol

best thing iv ever done and il stand for anyone to stop this xxx

I hope life gets better and better for you.

It is frightening that most abuse is conducted with a child in the next or same room.

"How do you say to your child in the night?

Nothing's all black, but then nothing's all white

How do you say it will all be all right

When you know that it might not be true?

What do you do?

Careful the things you say

Children will listen

Careful the things you do

Children will see and learn

Children may not obey, but children will listen

Children will look to you for which way to turn

To learn what to be

Careful before you say "Listen to me"

Children will listen

Careful the wish you make

Wishes are children

Careful the path they take

Wishes come true, not free

Careful the spell you cast

Not just on children

Sometimes a spell may last

Past what you can see

And turn against you

Careful the tale you tell

That is the spell

Children will listen

How do you say to a child who's in flight

"Don't slip away and I won't hold so tight"

What can you say that no matter how slight

Won't be misunderstood.

What do you leave to your child when you're dead?

Only whatever you put in it's head

Things that you're mother and father had said

Which were left to them too

Careful the things you say

Children will listen

Careful you do them too

Children will see

And learn

Guide them, but step away

Children will glisten

Tamper with what is true

And children will turn

If just to be free

Careful before you say

"Listen to me"

These lyrics always come to mind and then I think about them not as just listening but witnessing."

Children should never ever see or listen to what is happening badly around then ..

so I owe my children the world for letting them. .I do feel so bad but I'm out of the now and will make it up to them tenfold xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My husband was/is a victim of DV from his first wife, she physically and emotionally abused him, he had no idea how to get away from the situation, it seemed impossible to him especially as they have a child.

The child also witnessed some DV.

Even now over 5 years after he left his ex he is still traumatised by it and struggles to communicate with his ex regarding their child, he is over 6ft tall but is still frightned of that evil woman !!!!

I wish he would go for some councelling but he doesnt even talk to me about it much !

There does need to be more help for men.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman
over a year ago

little house on the praire

As a child I was a victim of seeing serious domestic abuse for 14 years then I went on to go into the same sort of relationship apparently although its wrong its a comfort zone. Being a child witnessing it fucked my head up far worse than me being in a domestic abusive relationship

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By *isscheekychopsWoman
over a year ago

The land of grey peas and bacon

"My husband was/is a victim of DV from his first wife, she physically and emotionally abused him, he had no idea how to get away from the situation, it seemed impossible to him especially as they have a child.

The child also witnessed some DV.

I wish he would go for some councelling but he doesnt even talk to me about it much !

There does need to be more help for men."

Try mankind they are brilliant x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's in the news... Melanie Sykes' ex has accused her of Domestic Violence.

Wasn't the accusation made last year? It saddens me that anyone, male or female faces domestic abuse.

Yes but she's in 'I'm a celebrity' jungle thing, so it's making the news again.

I don't know the details of the case but I hope it gets people talking about male victims of dv as they are often forgotten.

latest figures from esteem ...

And the dedicated female spaces are all full and being cut.

It's not an either or argument it's an argument for adequate provision across the board.

Thank you.

I do urge people to check what cuts their local authority is planning and protest if they are planning to cut DV funding.

And this!! Is unthinkable!! This is a subject close to my heart! False claims of domestic violence... If they only knew its despicable! My son stands accused of this! Now I for one know he's no angel. But raise a hand to a woman! Definitely not I've witnessed, their violent squabbles, I've stood between them whilst she's reigned blows on him.... And I've held her wrists to protect him.... She's violent and very twisted... Very clever too.

I finally left my husband of twenty years... And spent a night in liverpool lime street station with two young teens in tow..After being encouraged by my beautiful daughters.. And spending 3 nights in the hospital courtesy of him... This I'm guessing is common... Which is very sad... The flip of the coin... My partner now... Was abused and beaten for a few years by his... Isn't she lovely partner... He was eventually stabbed, which culminated in her being sectioned... Unfortunately in this day and age.. It's not 'cool' for a man to admit to being abused! Far too many suffer in silence... It's a bloody shame and breaks my heart!!! As does false claims!!! Twats... Perhaps they should be forced to walk a mile in an abused haven't got a clue which way to turn, I'm all alone persons shoes!! It's defiantly made me a stronger person... I'm proud of whom I've become... Although sometimes I do think it may have made me over tough!

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By *its_n_piecesCouple
over a year ago

The child also witnessed some DV.

I wish he would go for some councelling but he doesnt even talk to me about it much !

There does need to be more help for men.

Try mankind they are brilliant x "

also try Esteem .... and DV men

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"As a child I was a victim of seeing serious domestic abuse for 14 years then I went on to go into the same sort of relationship apparently although its wrong its a comfort zone. Being a child witnessing it fucked my head up far worse than me being in a domestic abusive relationship"

I had the same too

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By *horshiperMan
over a year ago

London

I had the same too

I hope those dark days are behind you and you have nothing but happiness in your life

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The child also witnessed some DV.

I wish he would go for some councelling but he doesnt even talk to me about it much !

There does need to be more help for men.

Try mankind they are brilliant x "

Thank you, i will contact them x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The child also witnessed some DV.

I wish he would go for some councelling but he doesnt even talk to me about it much !

There does need to be more help for men.

Try mankind they are brilliant x

also try Esteem .... and DV men"

Thank you, i will contact them aswell x

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Really good news to report today that government has pledged £10m to support refuges.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I havnt had much luck on those website sugested, one is for sexual abuse which isnt appropriate, one i cant find and the other is very limited

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Really good news to report today that government has pledged £10m to support refuges."

Finally xxxx

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By *its_n_piecesCouple
over a year ago

sorry try esteemmen .....also DVmen, under help for men,then under counselling

hope this helps

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Really good news to report today that government has pledged £10m to support refuges."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Children should never ever see or listen to what is happening badly around then ..

so I owe my children the world for letting them. .I do feel so bad but I'm out of the now and will make it up to them tenfold xxx"

You shouldn't feel bad, you were the victim in this too. Abusers are clever and know that many victims will suffer in silence to protect their children and suffer the violence to them rather than it happen to the child. I'm glad you are out of that situation now.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

Men's Aid is calling for more refuges to be built for men, particularly in London.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Men's Aid is calling for more refuges to be built for men, particularly in London.

The need is definitely there, so it's a good idea.

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Men's Aid is calling for more refuges to be built for men, particularly in London.

The need is definitely there, so it's a good idea. "

BBC London is featuring their campaign this evening.

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By *ipsTeaserCouple
over a year ago

here and there, thereabouts

I was a victim of mental abuse for some years.years on I can finally acknowledge being a victim sexual abuse too.

The first five or so years were somewhat 'normal' and by the time it began to change I was convinced that I loved him and accepted the many indignances as par for the course.

It happens so gradually you don't realise that the person you used to be bares no resemblance to the person you are. You don't realise you've been isolated because you are with someone you love and trust and it happens so slowly you don't see the distance opening up.

It's taken me a long time; at the time I got out I knew what had happened to me and concentrated on doing what we necessary to move forward but did not disclose to any friends or family the true nature of the relationship. I think I felt a degree of shame. I think I detached myself in order to deal, and now even years on I finally feel in a strong enoughand in a secure enough place to discuss it in a wider forum.

Seeing emotional abuse being put in the spotlight recently jolted me and stirred old emotions- iam a victim and I knew that but that's something that's hit home again and made me requestion myself- how did I become that person; the one who stayed? I remind myself I was also the one that got out, and am more me now than I was in the decade I was with him, and that my life now is full of joy and blessings.

I would urge anyone who has friends and family voicing concerns , or if you yourself in those strange odd moments of clarity the flit before you sink under their persuasions again to go and speak to an impartial professional service or charity- they will have no other ulterior motive other than to help you find the strength you need.

Tig

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

I was a victim of mental abuse for some years.years on I can finally acknowledge being a victim sexual abuse too.

The first five or so years were somewhat 'normal' and by the time it began to change I was convinced that I loved him and accepted the many indignances as par for the course.

Tig "

You are a survivor. Thank you for sharing your story.

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By *ipsTeaserCouple
over a year ago

here and there, thereabouts

Thank you.

Still getting used to being 'classified' a victim and a survivor.

That post is only the second time I have ever shared my story with anyone other than my partner.

Finding the right words at times was difficult but it somehow feels almost freeing and almost like a purge if that makes sense- I cant think of the word I mean!

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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

"Thank you.

Still getting used to being 'classified' a victim and a survivor.

That post is only the second time I have ever shared my story with anyone other than my partner.

Finding the right words at times was difficult but it somehow feels almost freeing and almost like a purge if that makes sense- I cant think of the word I mean!"

Purge and freeing are your words and perfectly good words.

Catharsis means purification/cleansing.

When the words are ready they set themselves free.

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By *dsindyTV/TS
over a year ago

East Lancashire

It's been an eye opener has this topic.

I suffered the child's eye view of domestic violence with my dad on my mum....not a pretty sight and extremely upsetting for a young child. It took a brave move on my part to drag away my mum and get her out. That was 30 years ago and I swore I would do my best to never be like him.

Have I been successful? Well, time will tell...but I have never, EVER, abused ANYONE, either physical or emotional. Am no saint, have said hurtful things in the heat of the moment, and have had hurtful things said to me, but everytime that happens I think back to my parents; take a deep breath, go for a walk to calm down and give everyone their own space.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was a victim of mental abuse for some years.years on I can finally acknowledge being a victim sexual abuse too.

The first five or so years were somewhat 'normal' and by the time it began to change I was convinced that I loved him and accepted the many indignances as par for the course.

Tig "

Thank you for finding the strength to post.

the scary thing for me is realising just how many of us have found ourselves trapped in situations such as yours.

It's very difficult to analyse how we 'let it happen' and when we break free it's hard not to over compensate and harder not to put barriers up in new relationships.

Talking through whatever forum we can seems to be the best way. To me anyway.

The more I talk about my own experiences and hear of others, the less I feel the damage it did to me.

Thank you

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By *ipsTeaserCouple
over a year ago

here and there, thereabouts

I was a victim of mental abuse for some years.years on I can finally acknowledge being a victim sexual abuse too.

The first five or so years were somewhat 'normal' and by the time it began to change I was convinced that I loved him and accepted the many indignances as par for the course.

Tig

Thank you for finding the strength to post.

the scary thing for me is realising just how many of us have found ourselves trapped in situations such as yours.

It's very difficult to analyse how we 'let it happen' and when we break free it's hard not to over compensate and harder not to put barriers up in new relationships.

Talking through whatever forum we can seems to be the best way. To me anyway.

The more I talk about my own experiences and hear of others, the less I feel the damage it did to me.

Thank you

Thank you for your kind words.

Iam feeling more and more I'd like to work or volunteer or contribute to a charity to help increase awareness, and help others.

Putting up barriers would always have been the easy option for me but I was determined he wasn't having that power over me even when I'd walked away.

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By *ipsTeaserCouple
over a year ago

here and there, thereabouts

"Thank you.

Still getting used to being 'classified' a victim and a survivor.

That post is only the second time I have ever shared my story with anyone other than my partner.

Finding the right words at times was difficult but it somehow feels almost freeing and almost like a purge if that makes sense- I cant think of the word I mean!

Purge and freeing are your words and perfectly good words.

Catharsis means purification/cleansing.

When the words are ready they set themselves free.

Thank you for your kind words. I may not know you but it seem like you understand the things that aren't so easy to put into words without me trying to explain them.

Thank you also for giving me this platform to make the step of discussing it openly.

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